9-22-09

+ the intro segment starts with craig ferguson turning around with a marker under his nose, looking shocked like we caught him doing something bad, 'sorry, sorry, i was just... i was just seeing what i would look like in a yellow moustache. i wasnt really sniffing a pen, those days are behind me. no, i thought would i do that for a joke? will i sniff a pen in the beginning as a joke? then i thought i cant, cause then people will be outraged and like 'oh', the pen sniffers of america will be like 'how dare you mock us', then there will be other people saying 'pen sniffing is a serious problem'. and it might be, it might be, i don't know. there might be a whole area, dr drew's dealing with people who are like 'i started off on ball points then went crazy, i thought it was harmless, just a pencil every now and then...'. let me tell you something: pencils are the near beer of pens. that doesnt even make any sense, that. you that i dont drink anymore, i know. no, i dont, i havent drank in a long time. and this is how i am without drinking- can you imagine? oh no no, you wouldnt be applauding, you'd be running. i dont drink anymore and people say 'oh, you can have a near beer.' i'm like 'no'. if i have a near beer, i'm near beer. and if i'm near beer, i'm close to tequila. and if i'm close to tequila, i'm adjacent to cocaine. and if i'm adjacent to cocaine, i'm in jail. see? you see how it goes? thats the natural flow of things.'
+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book
= reba
- dave annable