+ 'its a great day if you like paying your taxes', craig ferguson says, 'hey, it is your patriotic duty. a painful annoying patriotic duty, but its something every good american should do. who doesnt pay taxes? al quida, thats who! 'no taxes for us bitch, we are like that naked guy from survivor, we just don't care!' if nobody payed their taxes, america would be flat broke! alright, we would be more flat broke. you know what i read today? that this year the u.s. will spend a trillion dollars more than we take in. look, i'm not an economist, but that doesnt make sense! how can you spend more than you take in? experts say that 32% of our taxes go in defense, and the rest goes to buying hookers for the secret service. my major problem at tax time is how to fill out the little box on the form that says 'occupation'. i cant put down 'entertainer', cause clearly thats a lie. and the box isnt big enough to put 'self hating clown'. for a while i put down 'broadcaster' cause that makes me sound important or something. so now i just put down 'lover of ferrets'. i figure that will make any IRS auditors question 'do i really want to go rummaging around a place with all those ferrets? nay, he's fine...' i feel for the people who work at the IRS, reading tax returns must get really boring. so this year i spiced things up a bit for them, i wrote gag names on my returns. one of my dependents is named barnaby mcdildopudding! yeah, i'll let you know how that turns out... i'll be in jail.'
- kevin kline
- alice eve