3-30-11

+ 'its a great day if you like the fossil fuels', craig ferguson shares, ''mexican food for lunch craig?' no thats not what i mean. tonight a new show premiered on a tv show thats not cbs, so i wont be watching... what channel? i dont know. its a reality show about miners, its called 'coal'. america needs coal miners, more than 50% of the power in america comes from coal. coal powered electric plants, it powers freight trains, regis philbin is powered by coal. its true, one of the most dangerous jobs in america: shoveling coal into regis' boilers. thats code. anyway, i'm excited about his coal show, if you ask me its well past time we appreciated america's coal miners. without them american snowmen would not have eyes, or the little buttons down the front. anyway, the guys on the coal show are pretty tough, they make the ice road truckers look like the cast from glee. i could never be a coal miner, i'm to pretty! plus, i would giggle every time the boss said 'ok boys, time to go down the shaft!'. reality shows about jobs are very popular now, coal miners, stock brokers, crab fisherman, theres more jobs on tv than there are in real life! will anyone want to see a coal miner show though? i want to see it but i dont know if anyone else will want to see it, a show about someone working in almost total darkness for low wages. remind you of anybody? when i see shows about dangerous jobs it makes me think i should stop complaining about my job. then i think complaining about my job sort of is my job! just kind of like 'aw, this is rubbish'. the only difference is that i mean it when i complain about this job, but its the only thing i am qualified to do. oh my, thats actually true!'

- matthew mcconaughey

- amy smart

new wave tweets

another entry into the tweets and emails jingle list, craig ferguson created a new song to start off his segment. this one is a pretty strange tune, it feels almost like a david bowie type song, but craig did one of those already! in the song he talks about how he is neither male nor female and it ends with him opening his zipper to reveal a chimp! yikes!

3-29-11

+ 'i confess i'm not really feeling myself today', craig ferguson admits, 'i'm a big jumpy and scratchy. i went to the doctor and he did some tests. it didnt take long to get my results. he told me i have an acute case of royal wedding fever! its exactly one month from now when brittan's prince william and his lovely fiancee keke wigglesworth get married. over the weekend prince william had his stag night in a secret mansion. a stag night is the british version of a bachelor party. you know, a bachelor party has many different names: stag night, boys night out, weenie roast, brodeo, exhibit A for the prosecution... i heard that william's bachelor party got pretty crazy, at one point he knocked back a glass of chery and didnt stick out his pinky! apparently a stripper at the party sat on willam's lap and said 'ive been a very bad girl', and he sent her to the tower of london and had her beheaded! it must be awkward for prince william to get a lap dance from a stripper because british money that he slips into the stripper's g-string has a picture of his grandmother on it! thats got to be a little awkward! that cant be, you know, 'good for the wood'!'

* larry king

* sanjay gupta

3-28-11

+ 'its a great day for us here because the great bob geldof is here tonight', craig ferguson shares, 'now this is a man who created band aid. not the adhesive bandage, although that joke is as old as band aid isnt it? no, weve tried to get the guy who developed the adhesive bandage here for sweeps, you know. i would not be surprised if i looked on the guest list one day and the guy and it said who invented the bandage was here... anyways, bob geldof is here, hes a singer of course, a political activist, and a sir. sir bob geldof. he was granted honorary knighthood by queen elizabeth. i dont know what that means, and i am unlikely to find out what thats like, i would think. what happens is the queen touches you with that big royal thing she carries around. 'oh, there you go, you are now very special'. what is that big royal thing she caries around? thats right, prince charles. 'die already, mother!' that was my knighthood leaving... there are very few musicians who have been given the title of sir. sir bob geldof, and the greatest of course is probably sir mix-a-lot. a knighthood is a position of great honor and class and dignity. like sir elton john. anyway, sir bob geldof was in a band called the boomtown rats. i saw the boomtown rats in glasgow apollo in 1977 and i was drunk. i was six years old as well... they started around the same time as another dublin band called U2. U2 were very different back in the 70's. the edge wasnt exactly himself yet, he was just a rounded corner, a flat surface.'

= bob geldof

= far east movement

who does the voice of geoff peterson?

have you ever wondered who does the voice for geoff peterson? well, the actor behind the voice is none other than josh robert thompson. thompson has been a regular and appeared on the show before in front of the camera as an arnold schwarzenegger impersonator. he has also done some different voices for the show, most notably morgan freeman for some of craig's silly segments. when asked about how he came up with the voice for geoff peterson, thompson has said 'its one part snagglepuss, one part vincent price, and two parts george takei'.

and now you know!

3-16-11

+ 'its st. patricks day!' craig ferguson announces, 'if you are up this late and you are the kind of person who celebrates st. patricks day, go ahead! 'thanks craig, we were waiting on your permission'. as we all know, of course, st. patricks day is named after st. patrick. according to the legend he drove the snakes out of ireland, which made him a hero to everyone in ireland, except for the one irish guy who made his living as a snake charmer. thats right, the irish snake charmer shamis mcvenom. 'damn you, st partrick, ye ruined me business. i was doin great and then i'm blowing my little tootie and nothin's coming out of the basket!' anyway, anthropologists are now saying that driving the snakes out of ireland is probably a metaphor of driving the pagan ideology. personally, i think pagan ideology is a metaphor for penises! 'craig, what are you basing that on?' it begins with a p! people all over america are going to be celebrating st. patricks day, each city does it a little differently. in new york they have the green fireworks, in boston they light up the skyline with the green lights, and here in l.a. they have the green cocaine. los angelas celebrates holidays with lots of different ethnic groups, we've got everything here: cinco de mio, we've got the chinese new year, we have all kardashian eve. on st. particks day in chicago they dye the chicago river green. the chicago river is green on one other day of the year, the day oprah washes her money. one st. patricks day tradition i hate is that you are supposed to pinch anyone not wearing green. you've got to be careful with that, i tried that once and cbs made me watch the sexual harassment video again. admittedly, when i did it it wasnt st. patricks day and i was nude. but still, cant andy rooney take a joke?'

- seth rogan

- brie larson

3-15-11

+ 'its a great day, not just for america, but for the entire world because a world institution celebrates his birthday today', craig ferguson shares, 'you know who i'm talking about, today, the 15th of march, fabio's birthday! happy birthday fabio! anyway, fabio's birthday wish is, of course, is a restraining order against me. now, today, not only is it fabio's birthday, but it also the 'ides' of march. this is when julius ceasar was told 'beware the ides of march' and ceasar was killed in italy on the ides of march, and fabio was born on the ides of march. could it be? no. reincarnation isnt possible. i look forward to your letters, your hindu letters. reincarnation doesnt work! its a made up concept like happiness or the female orgasm. sure, its a nice idea, we would all like to see one... i'm just kidding, ive seen one. anyways, the ides of march is just a fancy way of saying the 15th of march. in the roman calender the ides meant the 15th some months, and the 13th other months. the roman calender was very complicated, thats why i prefer my calender: the 1988 calender. i use the same calender every year, i miss a lot of appointments and people get angry, but at least i have a routine!'
-> martha stewart

geoff on the soup!

craig and joel mchale are always showing up on each other's tv shows! joel is a regular guest on 'the late late show with craig ferguson', and craig has even stopped by joel's show 'the soup' on E! the two of them are really funny on their own, but when they get together all bets are off! this past week on 'the soup' jeoff peterson even stooped by to pester our other favorite host! joel seemed to just get annoyed as geoff pulled out his usual catch phrases: 'balls', 'in your pants', and the like! joel was pleasantly annoyed as geoff popped up a couple other times during the course of the show. its strange to see geoff peterson showing up in other places, thats for sure...

3-14-11

+ 'this is actually a very special show because we've got a great guest', criag ferguson shares, 'not that we dont normally... anyway, we've got a great guest. lewis black is on the show tonight. lewis you probably know from his stuff on comedy central, you know the 'arghghgh!' stuff. dont tell him i did that... but you probably dont know that lewis is also a celebrated playwright. 'in between songs' he wrote, 'one small hitch', 'streetcar named desire'. thats right, lewis black launched the career of marlon brando. look it up on wikipedia. also on wikipedia you will find that i play the harp and i have three nipples. that actually wrong, i have five. two of which are mine. look, all i'm saying is that wikipedia is not a source, ok journalists? what am i talking about? oh, lewis black and the playwright thing, hey. when i was a young man i wanted to be a playwright. i got the whole playwright uniform, like shakespeare had. i had the big puffy pants, the collar that looks like the thing that dogs have to wear when they have an operation. which didnt help, my plays were terrible. but that collar kept me from licking myself... for a while. but love will find a way, which was the name of one of my plays, it was about a guy who licked himself. i am still fascinated by the theater. when i was a younger man i was an actor, well, i hung about with actors. i did a play in new york city it was in a dingy theater, there was no money, the producers said i would get to play pretend with attractive young women. i'm like 'i'm in!' then it turned out to be dudes pretending to be attractive young women. i should have known better when they said they were 'updating' shakespeare with a production of 'the merchant of penis'. and that their last production was 'romeo and romeo'. its a very short play but it has a great sword fight...'
* lewis black
= stackridge

3-11-11

+ 'theres a couple big movies opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'the alien invasion movie 'battle: l.a.', and the fairy tale 'red riding hood'. its very tough for me to choose between these two movies cause the straight male part of me wants to see battle: l.a., but the other 95% wants to see red riding hood. battle: l.a. is not that realistic though because in the movie america goes all out to save the city of l.a., but i think if aliens really did attack l.a. i think the rest of america would be like 'eh, take it'. even people in l.a. would be like 'fine, take it. its crap. we know its crap- look at it, its garbage!' i'm not surprised that theres a movie about little red ridding hood, though. hollywood studios love a story like that, you know, centuries old so it has a rich history about it, but more importantly, its in public domain so they dont have to pay for it. its the same reason cbs wanted the theme song for this show to be 'mary had a little lamb'. 'craigy had a late late show, late late show, late late show, craigy had a late late show, late late show, late late show, and it was really cheap!' anyway, the movie red ridding hood is from the director of the twilight movie. now, i just saw the twilight movie. i figured i probably should watch this since i had been making fun of it on the show, and i though 'awe, come on and watch this'. and i was surprised that i was right- it is garbage! i mean, i'm sorry! i dont mean to rain on anybody's parade. i've seen some bad movie, i've been in some bad movies- i've been in some bad vampire movies! but this thing is a whole dimension of suck! i mean all this build up and tension and then... nothing happens! its like porn without any of the porny parts! its like if the plumber in the porn actually came to fix the sink and got paid with actual money! its like if the pizza actually got delivered!'

+ dear aquaman

- amanda peet

> phil hanley

3-10-11

+ 'its a great day for billionaires', craig ferguson shares, 'well, its always a great day if you are a billionaire, i would imagine. 'i've got so much money! i'm a billion-fucking-aire!' thats what id say anyway. today forbes magazine came out with their annual list of the worlds richest people. now, theres a spoiler alert coming: i'm not on it. now, the worlds richest person is not bill gates! when bill gates heard the news he froze up, just like windows vista. bill gates is number two on the list. he would be number one if he didnt waste all that money by giving it away to charity. i'm kidding, i'm kidding. i give a lot of money to charity, thats the name of my favorite stripper. the number one richest person in the world is in fact a gentleman named carlos slim. he is a mexican business magnate. he owns telecommunication companies worth 74 billion dollars, which in pesos is like a krintillion or something. yeah, krintillion. google it! anyway, i love the name carlos slim. he's like a james bond villian. like a guy who lives on a converted oil rig and takes a helicopter to go to the bathroom. anyway, the forbes list of billionaires is interesting because a lot of people on the list have made their money from internet companies. i should have put money on the internet, instead i invested all my cash on vhs tapes. its the dumbest thing i did last year.'

- wanda sykes

- kevin mckidd

3-09-11

+ 'its a great day for america because its a great day for the american space program', criag ferguson states, 'earlier today the space shuttle discovery made its last ever landing. people near cape canaveral in florida heard a sonic boom followed by thousands of old people going 'what the hell?' thats what i'm going to be like when i get old, i'm going to be one of them really dirty old people that says really dirty things to the ladies at the supermarket and they go 'he's adorable, isnt he?' i think i'm kind of like that now... anyway, i'm talking about the space shuttle. you know what i think is so amazing is just how precise nasa is. after a two week space mission that covered 150 million miles, todays landing was merely 17 seconds behind schedule. do you here that, continental airlines? they went to space and got back 17 seconds late, you cant even get to fucking burbank! cbs cares.'

= trace adkins

- windell middlebrooks

3-08-11

+ 'today is, of course, international womans day', craig ferguson informs, 'so congratulations women, about damn time! happy international woman. for international womans day one of the guests today is a woman from another country! your welcome, international women. for me, every day is international womans day. today is the hundredth international womans day, its celebrated all over the world. men are encouraged today to honor the women in their life, so men, make sure you hug your mom, or your wife, or your girlfriend. or all three. if you cant do that, then just give your secretary a patt on the ass and say 'good job, toots'. you know that in some countries womens day is an official holiday and all the men give women flowers, which is adorable. but in america, in an ironic twist of fate, womens day is the same day as another holiday: marti gras. where men give women beads in the respectful and post feminist desire to see their naked boobies.'

- topher grace

- catherine deneuve

3-07-11

+ 'i saw this headline in a scottish newspaper today', craig ferguson shares, 'thats right, leno, you are not the only one who reads the newspapers, and i get mine from scotland where the news is only two centruries old and bleek and damp- all the newspapers are in black and white, just like the rainbows! it said 'royal zoological society of scotland denies 'concealing' beavers'. wha? now i can only say this once because the cbs censor is actually here tonight: come on scotland, show us your beavers! when i was in scotland i didnt see a beaver the entire time i was there! thats why i immigrated!'

- aaron eckhart

> paula poundstone

3-04-11

+ 'an interesting movie comes out today', craig ferguson shares, 'it stars matt damon, its called the adjustment bureau. their slogan is 'your future has been adjusted'. i saw that poster a couple weeks ago, i was driving my new born baby back from the hospital when i saw it. 'your future has been adjusted', i'm like 'yeah!' 'waa! waa!' i'm like 'honey, shut up. you just had a baby!' thats right, i was rude to my wife- a round of applause for me! anyway, the adjustment bureau, they are marketing the movie as a 'romantic science fiction', sort of like when the matrix met sally. i think the adjustment bureau sounds dirty, it makes me think of that thing that guys do when they are sitting on the couch and their sack is stuck against their leg. its a lame title, but the movie should be good, its based on a short story by phillip k. dick. if you know anything about me, you know i love dick, i cant get enough. yup, phillip k. dick was an amazing science fiction writer is pure dick because it grows and it grows and it has an amazing climax!'

> kathy griffin

* wendy booker a world traveler with MS, craig gave her the kangaroo testicles he received from carrie fisher so that wendy can bring them with her to the north pole- so they can meet santa!

3-03-11

+ 'i saw something very interesting today on the internet', craig ferguson admits, 'on msnbc's website it said that some luxury hotels are renting rooms by the hour. isnt that interesting? finally a place to go in the middle of the afternoon for a little 'room service'! and by room service i mean knockin' the boots, pullin' the jaffe, you know, poachin' the eggs, bobbing the saget. i think you know what i'm saying! 'craig, are you talking about sex?' yes i am! according to the article, swanky hotels in new york and l.a. have started renting out rooms for a few hours during the day. the hotels say it isnt just for couples, its for tired shoppers who just want to get off their feet for a couple hours. tired shoppers, eh? sure, and vasiline is for dry hands... i think this is for couples, this thing, and not for couples that are living with each other. this isnt for couples who are like 'we live in the same house, but lets go to a hotel for the afternoon', this is for affairs! its so you dont have to go out and rendezvous with french people, and do your thing in a sleazy motel. its so you dont have to go to a sleazy motel, or a car, or a dumpster behind the supermarket. well, not everyone likes to have their ass covered in used coffee grounds. besides me, of course. call me, juan valdez.'

- neil patrick harris winner of the golden harmonica!

= tomorrows bad seed

3-02-11

+ 'its a great day for the great state of texas', craig ferguson shares, 'its texas independence day! happy birthday texas! on this day 175 years ago texas said 'adios, mexico!' and became its own damn country. it did! for nine years texas was a country and then joined the united states nine years later. it also happens to be the birthday of sam heuston, who was the first president of the nation of texas. texas independence day is actually one of the two official state holidays, the other is chuck norris' birthday. you know, ive got to say 'walker, texas ranger' never made any sense to me, in a state where everyone has a gun, he is a cop armed only with karate. 'drop your shotgun, or i'll chop this wooden plank in half! and then you will never be able to finish your cabinet!' i've been to texas a bunch of times, i love it. friendly people, tons of history, great big 10 gallon hats. or as they call them in europe, 37 liter hats. the food is great there. any state where barbeque actually counts as a food group is awesome. tex mex food combines the power of barbeque with the glory of mexican food that creates a kind of superfood that cant be stopped. it is, if you can imagine, a level of fartiness hither to unknown in the universe. we should be able to harvest the fartiness. we should harness the fartiness and that would stop our dependence on forign oil! so long, saudi arabia, we've got texas fartiness to keep us going! that actually might not be a bad idea, right there...'

- hugh laurie who shares this interesting fact: 'there is nothing like winning a rowing race: you are facing backwards so you are looking at the people you are beating!' also, winning the golden mouth organ!

- ariel tweto from 'flying wild alaska'

3-01-11

+ 'look, theres a lot going on today', craig ferguson states, 'a lot of things going on in the world, unrest in the middle east and north africa, theres strife with the public workers, fincancial crisis in washington, but nevermind because its national pig day! yes its true, it is! its a real day, its the day we celebrate an animal thats intelegent, adorable, and most of all, delicious! i look forward to your letters, your letters from vegitarians. i look forward to your smug joyless tofu stained letter written in beet juice. anyway, tonights show is going to be pork-tacular, we're going the whole hog, we're going to be getting piggy with it, it will be unbesqueelable! look, pig related humor caused me some inner termoil. i've been doing this show for six years now and only one joke i regret telling was about a pig. specifically george clooney's pig. he had a pet pig who passed away and he was very sad. and because i am some vulgar late night douche i made a joke about it and i wish i hadnt done it. i'm ashamed and i will never repeat the joke. which went like this: what happened is he had this pig and it died and he had it for 18 years and i said 'well of course, after a touching memorial service, everyone will be going back to clooney's house for bacon sandwiches'. i'm not proud, it was a rotten thing to say. i like pigs. some people put their money in a piggy bank, not me. i would always be tempted to break it, thats why i keep my money in a real pig cause you wouldnt be tempted to go in after it. its like 'i dont have enough money for... well, theres money in the pig. eh, doesnt matter, i'll let it go'.'

- carla gugino

- tom lennon

dr. who convention with chris & bridger

after coming on the show numerous times talking about dr who with craig ferguson, chris hardwicke went to a dr. who convention with criag's assistant bridger. they attended gallifrey one and they brought a camera crew so they could record the whole thing! chris, who is a huge dr. who nerd, showed bridger, who knew nothing of dr. who, what the whole thing is about. along the way they talked with a bunch of people dressed up as different characters from the show, from a weeping angel to guys dressed as different doctors. after chris sends bridger into the tardis, bridger comes out dressed as the doctor and claims 'dr who is the best think ever!' ah, another convert!

2-28-11

+ after the audience applauds, craig ferguson replies 'i'm just glad the fucking oscars are over too! hurray! finally! oh, another 364 days of peace! do you know whats awesome about show business? when ever you say anything bad about the oscars people go 'oh, are you bitter?' no i'm not bitter, i just like to watch stuff on television! at least this show is crap for less money! oscars really sucked didnt they? i know i always say i dont give a rats ass about the oscars, but this year there was something about that statuesque gold man that just pulled me in. i am of course referring to mathew mcconahoney. he is very tan! i like matthew mconahoney, i think he's cool. you know he got dressed in the car on the way there. cause you can see theres like beads still sneaking out, bits on sand on him and everything. he was on the beach and his wife is like 'come on, we've got to go to the oscars!' hes like 'i feel ya baby, just one more wave'. this was supposed to be the young and hip oscar show, and i couldnt believe how relaxed and slow it was and everyone looks really old. then i realized i was watching '60 minutes'. andy rooney was giving his oscar picks 'i think these talkies are a fad'. now the oscar hosts today are getting a lot of flack, anne hathaway and james franco. i dont think its fair though, i dont think its there fault, right? james franco and anne hathaway are not comedians, they are actors. blaming them for being bad is like blaming actors for a bad movie. once they accept the job its not their fault after that, its whoever highered them. they did everything last night a professional actor should do: they hit their marks, they read their lines, they went backstage and adopted a couple foregn kids. they did what they needed to do. what i'm saying is that if you thought the oscars were boring dont blame the host, blame the guy who hired them. you know, it was probably the same guy who thought 'you know what would be a good idea? lets bring out billy crystal for three minutes in the middle of the show'. you bring out billy crystal in the middle of the oscars, thats like bringing out michael jordan in the middle of a kids basketball game. 'go on, michael, show the kids how its done! ha ha ha, thats how its done! now, back to you suckers!'. it would be like of they brought out a real host in the middle of this crap.'

+ chris hardwicke stops by to help with the emails and tweets, and also to let us know how things went at the dr. who convention!

# isaac mizrahi

* patton oswalt

craig on sheen

wondering what craig ferguson will say about the meltdown of charlie sheen? turns out, hes not going to say anything. at the beginning of monday's show he started off with this though: "in the 18th century there was a mental hospital in london. its been there a very long time, it started as a priory in the 12th century i think. anyway, its called bedlem. what happened was in the 18th century is that people would go along and pay a penny to look through the peep holes of the cells and look a the lunatics and would laugh at them. they thought that laughing at the lunatics was fun and were willing to pay a penny for it. i think people look at that now and they think 'gosh, people were heartless and cruel back then', i dont think they were heartless and cruel, they just didnt know, they didnt know that mental illness isnt funny. so i'm looking at the charlie sheen thing unfolding and i'm thinking 'awe, man!' you see, heres what i'm thinking, i'm thinking ive done jokes about this on the show, i'll freely admit, i'm a desperate man in a tight spot and ill do whatever i can to get through an hour of bad tv every night. but i'm watching it now and i'm thinking 'nope, no. i'm stopping'. i'm starting to admit that i'm paying my penny and peeking through the hole, and i'm not comfortable with it anymore. if you are joining us tonight to see a lot of charlie sheen jokes, i'm not going to be doing any. i'm not comfortable with it. by the way, this should be a message to anybody: when a late night host goes 'actually, you know what, whooo, lets not'. then you know that maybe its time to do something about it and get some help. thats not my business, what i'm saying is this: i'm not going to do it tonight.'