michael caine in a spaceship

on the special episode of 'the late late show with craig ferguson' dedicated to 'big bang theory', craig and the stars of big bang theory had a ton of fun doing a sketch about space travel. the premise was that michael caine had been cryogenicly frozen until the year 3000 and was awoken on a space ship. craig ferguson did his usual hilarious michael caine impression and the other guys played it straight. it was pretty good, though it lasted about a minute too long...

big craig theory

during the special episode devoted to the cast of 'big bang theory', craig ferguson started off the show with a skit on the set of big bang theory! he was in the living room with all the four guys from the show, all in character, as they grilled him in an interview to see if he gets to be their new friend. it was a really funny big where sheldon asks craig a bunch of questions to see if he is nerdy enough to be accepted, questions ranged from star wars knowledge to listing all the stretchy superheroes! craig doesnt end up fairing so well and is asked to leave. he leaves saying 'see you guys in a few minutes on the show'.
one of the funniest back and forths with the guys was this:
leonard asks 'so craig, what do you do for a living?'
craig replies 'i host the late late show with craig ferguson.'
'i see. and what time is that on?'
'12:37 am'
sheldon then asks 'given that am stands for anti meridian, wouldnt it more logically be called 'the early early show with craig ferguson'?'
'i dont know' craig answers
'the answer is yes. minus eight points'
'i didnt know there was going be a test!' craig exclaims
leonard chimes in 'then you're really not going to like the physical...'


+ the show starts off with craig ferguson on the set of 'big bang theory' trying to become friends with the guys.
+ 'tonight is big bang theory night!' criag ferguson exclaims, 'we've got everybody, weve got jim parsons is here, johnny galicki is here, simon helber is here, kunal nayyar is here. kaley couco wont be joining us today, i'm sorry. she broke her leg. anyway, if youve spent the past few years in a cave and dont know the big bang theory, let me explain it to you. not the show, the theory. the theory is very simple really, about 14 million years ago there was a bang. and it was really big. basically the idea behind it is that we are living in an explosion. we are in a constantly expanding universe, its like we are living in a giant explosion. its as if the entire universe were contained in larry king's pants. the big bang theory of the universe is very controversial when it came out. albert einstein didnt believe it at first. he said the universe has been the same size forever. he eventually saw the error of his ways and called it 'the biggest blunder of his life'. i'm like 'really?' thats the biggest blunder? you disagreed with a couple scientists for a while? you never drunk dialed an ex girlfriend? 'hey, this is albert, how you doing? this is a booty call, can i come over and split your atom?' anyway, the guys from the big bang theory are here today!'
+ jim parsons stops by to help answer the tweets and emails
+ michael caine in space. the idea is expanded on and michael caine is on a space ship with simon helberg and kunal nayyar from 'big bang theory'.


+ 'its a great day for us here at cbs', craig ferguson admits, 'last night the premiere of hawaii 5-0, it was huge! the rating came in today and 13.8 million people watched it. to get an idea of how many people that is, take the number of people who watch this show, add 13.8 million, and right there! now here is what happens with rating information: the networks have teams of guy in suits, they are sort of like magical nerds. their job is to take the numbers and make them sound good no matter what they are. the magical nerds then break down the ratings into demographics, they are like this: hawaii 5-0 did well with men aged 18-24 and women aged 24-49, but it did poorly with babies 0-1 and geezers 118-128. it really gets that specific, really. i mean, this show apparently does really great with certain demographics, people in federal prisons love this show, its true, the prisoners feel a sense of kinship with me in this tiny little dark cell with a skinny gay dude hitting on me most of the time, geoff peterson! we dont do well with other demographics like, um, pirates. we dont do well with pirates. 'i go to bed early and i dont have a d.v.arrrr'.'


+ 'its not such a great day for christine o'donnell', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, thats the lady thats running for the senate in delaware. shes against gay rights, masturbation, and everything else i hold dear. now the republicans are turning on her a little bit, some of them are withdrawing their support after she admitted she had dabbled in witchcraft. i'm thinking thats taken out of context. i dont think she's really a witch, i dont think thats what happened. she's against masturbation, right? and she got caught straddling a broomstick, like that. while she was on the broomstick they said 'i thought you were against masturbation?' 'yeah, i'm a witch!' now sarah palin tweeted a warning to christine o'donnell, she said that the national media is seeking your destruction. that is ridiculous. if the media wanted to destroy her, they would just douse her with water! 'i'm melting!' i mean this in all seriousness, i like this woman. i like her a lot. you are not the boss of me, dont give those judgey stares! i think she's good looking, i think she's hilarious... i havent had this much fun since chaney was in office! i was getting bored, i'm like 'yeah, finally!' she doesnt just do the witchy stuff, this weekend she said hollywood needs to reevaluate what they are doing because movies these days are all filled with gay sex and extra marital affairs. have fun in congress!'


+ 'its friday and that means there are some big movies coming out', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the movie that really intrigues me this weekend is 'easy a'. its a comedy about a high school girl who gets branded as 'easy' by her classmates. its based on nathanial hawthorne's 1850 novel 'the scarlet letter', because nothing says box office magic like a hundred and sixty year old novel by an angry new england moralist! well, if you watch the commercials for the movie you wont see anything about it being based on a massive work of american literature. the kids dont want to learn anything in movies! except maybe that vampires have feelings too... i mean, i dont know how long that shit is going to go on. when will it end? i mean, i dont want to get on your case, young folks of america, but couldnt we have a bit of rebellion or something? please! anyway, when they update the old movies, old movies like this from books, old things, stories... you know what i mean: when they have to update it. it was set in 1850 but things are different now, they have to account for technology. it doesnt have the same weight, its like if they updated romeo and juliet, romeo has to tweet his love for juliet 'omg, parents think you are a whore lmao!'. thats what i mean. now, i know what you are thinking: 'why do the studios make movies out of the old books, craig?', i hear you say quietly. i'll tell you why: old novels like the scarlet letter are in public domain, there is no copywright, they are free, they can use the story free. they are as free as the cds in starbucks. they are free, right?'


+ before the show, craig ferguson gives some acting advice to his new fellow cbs star william shatner!
+ 'its a great day for mexico because today is mexican independence day! or as its known in arizona, thursday. i know what you are thinking, 'isnt mexican Independence day on cinco de mayo?' wrong! or as they say in mexico: wrongo! have i pissed off just about everyone today? i have havent i? anyway, cinco de mayo celebrates a mexican victory in a mexican battle that happened fifty years after the mexican independence. today is mexicos bicentennial. 200 years old. you still look good mexico, your maracas are still perky! i'm 48 and mine are starting to sag! anyway, look, congratulations mexico, two centuries free of spanish domination. now some people think spanish rule couldnt have been that bad because spanish people talk with lisps. its true, in mexican spanish you pronounce the 's', but in catilian spanish they pronounce the 's' with a lisp. 'thurender or fath the conthiquenthes!' people in l.a. were flying mexican flags all over today. the mexican flag is almost identical to the italian flag, both go red, white, green. the way you can tell a difference is the mexican flag has a coat of arms on it, and the italian flag just has hands going 'whas a come and a go!'.'
+ william shatner (things got really weird, as you can tell from the photo...)


+ 'if i have an extra spring in my step today its because i'm excited', craig ferguson admits, 'very excited. and i'm on cocaine. no. its alright though, its someone elses cocaine. no, i'm not, i'm just excited. i'm genuinely excited, because i've been waiting for this all year, people magazine released its best dressed list and i'm on it!' craig then shows a picture of a beautiful woman with craig's head posted on. 'i know on the picture my head looks a little too big for my body, but thats because i have the bolemia. thats what we believe out here in l.a., small head, big body, and the smell of vomit. we're a little dark tonight, isnt this? ah, what can you do? people magazine also put out their worst dressed list. i'm surprised i wasnt really on that, cause i thought the used car salesman look is in this year... i dont pick these suits out, they are left over from bob barker, i've told you that. and when i got them the pockets were filled with moth balls. at least i hope they were both balls, bob barker is really into neutering dogs, so...'


+ 'its a big day in politics, of course', craig ferguson explains, 'the primary elections in seven states, people are going to the polls and casting their votes and everyone is talking about the same thing, this: scientists find that bats have regional accents. never mind the polls! who gives a rats ass about that stuff! democracy? bah! bats have accents! i've always wondered. today australian scientists have announced that they finally answered the age old question 'do bats have accents?' yes they do, of course. bats are small mammals, basically they are just big eared flying squirrels, but they are not as cute as squirrels and they dont hide their nuts for the winter. i hide my nuts in wooley speedoes. by the way, wooley speedoes is a new nascar driver... its a hell of a year though for australian scientists. last week they discovered tractor beams, and now they found out bats have accents. is there anything australian scientists cant do? 'right now we are trying to train dingos to protect babies! its not going that well right now...'.'
- kristen bell wearing a moustache! and even sticks around to help out with the emails

cooking with sean connery

looks like they found another funny way to take advantage of craig ferguson's great sean connery accent- this time its on a cooking show!
'if you are going to make a delicious zucchini bread, the first thing you are going to need is a ripe zucchini' sean connery says. his lovely assistant hands him the zucchini. 'i asked for a zucchini, not the vibrator'.
'that is the zucchini' she says.
'oh. we probably shouldnt use this one...'


+ 'its a great day for me because i just got back from san francisco' craig ferguson shares, 'i was in san francisco this weekend and i spend the weekend doing all the things san francisco is known for... well, not all of them! i went on the cable cars, i ate in terrific restaurants, i sucked in the crisp scent of alcatraz. call me, al catraz. know i know why they call him the rock! i barely escaped him. i was in san francisco because i was doing stand up comedy, cause i need a second job- this is cbs... on saturday i hung out with adam savage from mythbusters, he lives up there. he knows all about the mean streets of san francisco, the long windy streets paved with tofu and rice a roni. priuses as far as the eye can see! adam took me to a restaurant called 'foreign cinema' which is fantastic! they play movies while you eat. its like a combination of restaurant and drive in movie. it was like i was watching tv at home, except you cant take your pants off. i found out the hard way. i was like 'come on, its san francisco!' and they are like 'it is san francisco, but people are eating, fatty. if you want to take your pants off you can do some squats first, mister!'.'
+ cooking with sean connery
+ dear aquaman, featuring tim gunn


+ 'what i'm looking forward to this week is sunday', craig ferguson shares, 'because sunday is grandparents day. i'm very excited about this, its the day we celebrate the old folks. or as cbs calls it, sweeps. i know i'm a few days early, but lets hear it for grandparents! i said, LETS HEAR IT FOR GRANDPARENTS! everyone please call your grandparents this weekend, so they cant complain that their grandkids dont call. that can be a problem. but there is usually blame on both sides, a lot of grandkids call their grandparents but the grandparents answer the blender! 'hello? what? stop yelling, robot man!' grandparents day actually became officially recognized in the 70's. now, it would be easy to dismiss grandparents day as one of those fake holidays like second cousins day, or landscape professionals day, or valentines day. thats right, i said it- valentines day is a scam! cupid doesnt care about you, hes a little diaper wearing bitch! there i said it! anyway, it would be easy to dismiss grandparents day, but that would be wrong. grandparents are america's most precious natural resource. well, gold, gold is probably. and then oil. and then forests. large areas of agricultural farmland. grandparents are important is what i'm saying, they are in the top 50 most important things. i do, i love the elderly, especially when they kickbox on youtube!'
+ donald glover stops by to help with tweets and emails.


+ 'its a great day for scientists', craig ferguson shares, 'i know i give scientists a rough time on this show, i've said from time to time that they are under sexed mouse torturers who dont know nothing. but every once in a while scientists invent something cool, and its happened today. look at this: scientists have invented a tractor beam! i should probably explain for those of you who are not geeks, a tractor beam is a staple of science fiction shows; star wars, star trek, anything with stars. its basically a beam of light that can move stuff around or draw it toward you. for example, if i saw a plate of donuts over here, and i had a tractor beam, i could use a tractor beam to pull it into my mouth. thats right, my needs are simple. whenever there is an earth shattering technical breakthrough i go 'hmm, how can i use this to pull things into my mouth?' and then i think about using it for food... i'm very excited about this, the tractor beam is only able to move microscopic particles for now, and it can only move them a few feet, but its only a matter of time before we can use this for practicle purposes like porn! anyway, everyone should be excited about this new tractor beam, except maybe farmers. 'they are putting some good tractors out of work!' i understand that some technology makes people angry. i am a bit of a luddite as well. luddites were textile workers in 19th century england who protested against the industrial revolution because they thought new technology would put them out of work and destroy their way of life, so they went around smashing mechanical weaving looms. imagine what they would say today if they could see the bedazzler! 'why, this bedazzler is satan's work!' the only place you can really learn about the luddites now is on the wikipedia. kind of ironic, isnt it?'


+ 'the president is trying to back the republicans into a corner by paying for tax cuts on the small businesses by putting tax hikes on big businesses', craig ferguson comments about the new tax plan, 'its like that old trick where you take two balls and you throw one in the air to distract your opponent, then throw the other one at his chest. that right, i can explain abstract fiscal policy using analogies about balls! youre welcome. tomorrow night we will discuss trickle down economics... anyway, i'm not a political expert, but i think going after the rich is a good idea in an election year. or any other year for that matter, because lets face it, rich people are bastards. even rich people would agree with that, they are like 'its true, now hand me another golden sausage'. actually, so far rich people have been very quiet about the possibility of getting taxes raised against them. but that doesnt mean they wont get mad about it, it just means they dont know about it yet. it takes a while for bad news to get to a rich person. first their accountant has to tell the butler who has to tell the manservant, who wouldnt dare interrupt the game of crochet! its actually not true, rich people arent like that anymore, rich people could be ordinary folks just like you and me. yes, its true. what about that guy in the jersey shore, the situation? he just bought a hundred thousand dollar bentley! actually, i think he paid an extra ten grand to give it a spray tan. the new taxes are going to put rich people in a tough spot- paris hilton may have to carry her own cocaine! trump may have to fire the guy who changes that thing on his head! warren buffet may have to move in with his cousin jimmy buffet! anyway, i've said this before, i dont look forward to paying my taxes, but i recognize that as a citizen its something we all have to do. i try not to lie on my tax form. too much... ill let you in on a little lie i've been using on the tax returns for years: you know on the little box that says 'occupation'? i put down entertainer!'
* james lipton showing off his potty mouth!


+ 'its a great day for america today, and i will tell you why', craig ferguson shares, 'because barbara walters went back on the view today. congratulations, barbara! she had a heart surgery, it was completely successful. the doctors say she will make a full recovery as long as she avoids stress, loud noises and arguments... did you know that lady gaga is on the cover of a magazine wearing a bikini made of raw meat? thats the noise i made when i heard about it, i went 'aghaa'. id be grossed out if that were on my skin. and the meats kind of weird too! the magazine is very controversial. animal rights activists are furious at lady gaga for using meat like that. but larry king is like 'be on my show- i love brisket!'.'


+ 'i'm glad the summer is over', craig ferguson admits, 'it was hot. it was too hot. it was the hottest summer on record in 34 states. here in l.a. people were getting boob jobs just for the shade! of course, for most people labor day means firing up the grill, but i had to work today like most immigrants. you know, just for once i would like to spend labor day biting into a juicy wiener. then i would go to a barbecue... school kids are on holiday today. i'm like 'you just had the whole summer off and now you get a three day weekend?' they get as much vacation as the fucking president gets! anyway, labor day was created by grover cleaveland, he started it in 1894. he wanted to give american workers a day off after a long hot summer. he announced it on larry king live at the time. but its changed over the years. today we celebrate the american worker by sitting on a beach chair that was made in china. ooh, commentary! yes... heres one thing i never understood about labor day: how did celebrating labor organization become associated with fashion tips? its all about fashion on labor day. dont wear white after labor day, dont wear black with brown after labor day, dont wear assless chaps to the super market. maybe thats just me... dont wear a bacon thong to the dog park, dont wear a sombrero in arizona.'


+'its a big weekend at the movies this weekend, i'm very excited', craig ferguson tells, 'because today the first bon a fide oscar contender hits the theater: robert rodriguez movie 'machete'. robert rodriguez never disappoints me, this one is great, its got violence nudity and don johnson. come on! violence! nudity! don johnson! come on! take that, al quida! its awesome. so i will be going to the movies this weekend to see the romantic comedy 'going the distance'. because i'm married. after i've seen going the distance, i will roam the isles of pottery barn browsing for throw pillows wondering if they have a candle that can restore my dignity. 'excuse me, do you have anything that smells like dude?', 'sorry, try bed, balls, and beyond'. i havent seen going the distance, i'm sure its awesome. im sure there is a scene in there where someone runs through the airport with flowers. its very tricky these days because of air port security. 'i have to catch the love of my life before she waits in line for the fat guy to frisk her'. now, going the distance is probably good because its got drew barrymore in it, and i like drew barrymore. do you craig? yes i do. as a talk show host i admire drew barrymore because when she was on david letterman she jumped on his desk and flashed her boobies. thank you! a guest participating in the show! the possibility of being flashed by a guest is what keeps me doing this show every night...'


+ 'the big story today, and what everyone is watching today', craig ferguson shares, 'is the hurricane that is threatening the southeast, or the east coast. everyone is looking at that. it could be very nasty. there is no such thing as a good hurricane, of course, a hurricane is like a divorce. you dont get a good one. its not like 'oh this hurricane will be fine!' divorce and a hurricane are the same, they both leave you miserable and with a lot less stuff. according to cnn, hurricane earl is bigger than the entire state of california. i'm like wha? cnn said a lot of other stuff about the hurricane but i didnt hear it, i was lost in the eyes of anderson cooper. he caused a high pressure situation in my pants...'
+ chris hardwick stops by to help with twitter and email!


+ 'its a great day if you are a foodie', craig ferguson shares, 'you know, as apposed to people who dont like food... its a great day if you like food, and you are in serbia. that narrows it down a little bit, i guess. but, in serbia, this is a true thing- i'm not making this up just so i can say this- they are having the world testicle cooking championship. that is absolutely true! you can look it up on the computer! (he's right, you can find it here) and when you find it on the computer, you will know its true. it is, at the world testicle cooking championship you can eat things like osterage balls, kangaroo balls, really! goat balls, and me stuck here! not for the first time have i thought 'oh, if only i could be in serbia!' the world testicle cooking championship is a real thing, and its easy to find. once you get to serbia its right next to the worlds angriest zoo. anyway, the winning receipe was announced earlier tonight: nard boiled eggs. with a side of scrotatoes. all right, thats enough. i'll let the ball thing drop. its not just about eating testicles, theyve got other stuff going on too. they've got the sack races, theyve got a big gala ball. this is a big event, people go nuts over this thing!'


+ in the opening bit james lipton interviews craig ferguson on his amazing acting techniques used in a 'murder, she wrote 2010' clip with alfred molina. very funny!
+ 'there is some stuff going on thats not so good for new york city. the authorities of new york say there is an infestation of disgusting and impossible to kill pests. thats right, the jersey shore kids are in town! no, its things that are even more frightening than snookie after three vodka martinis. i'm talking about bed bugs, they are all over new york and its a big problem! do you know that bed bugs can live for a year without feeding- they are kind of like supermodels. last month the cbs building in new york was infested with bed bugs. the exterminators figured out where they were, they were in andy rooney's eyebrows. the majority of modern bed bugs are found in mattresses, which makes me wonder why dont they make mattresses that are resistant to bed bugs? then again, i'm still like why dont they make a mattress out of donuts? that would be awesome, if you are hungry in the middle of the night, you could just roll over! i'd go through a mattress a week. bed bugs arent new, they have actually plagued mankind for centuries, in olden times bed bugs were known as 'wall lice', 'red coats', and 'crimson ramblers'. by the way, crimson ramblers is the name of a marxist folk group i once belonged to...'

twitter attack!

watch out- its a new twitter and email song! this time they didnt go for any particular music style, in stead they went with a theme: its godzilla attacking! this song includes many clips of japanese people screaming and running, and also a bunch of giant creatures wreaking havoc on the buildings around them.


+ 'today is a great day for america, but not such a great day for paris hilton' craig ferguson reminds us, 'yes, over the weekend she was arrested for cocaine possession. i'm like 'oh, paris paris paris, come on!' now, in her defence, and i am going to come to her defense, it was in las vegas. oh, come on, its in vegas! in vegas cocaine is served at the breakfast buffet! 'you want bacon? you want to light a tube? what do you want?' police found cocaine in her purse. they became suspicious when that little dog she keeps in there was seen with a rolled up dollar bill. 'thats my stash, bitch!' paris says someone else left their cocaine in her purse. now, isnt this the same thing she said when she was busted with pot? it was a friend's pot in her purse. in legal circles this is called 'the lindsay lohan' defense. lindsay said someone left cocaine in her pants! thats true! it turned out well for her... i'm going to start using that defense- when a joke bombs on this show, i'm going to say its someone elses joke. i'm going to say a friend left it in my mouth. if i had a nickle for every time i said that...'