+ 'its a great day for the day of alaska', craig ferguson states, 'congratulations alaskonians... its alaska day today! its a big holiday up there, it was on this day in 1867 that the united states bought alaska from the russians. and in about six months from now we will sell it to china... by sheer coincidence, sarah palin's daughter bristol turns 21 today, so happy birthday, bristol! i hope she is careful, now that she's 21 she can drink, and drinking alcohol can sometimes lead to sleeping with people you shouldnt be sleeping with. nah, that would never happen! i'm going to do something very unusual for a late night douche bag, i'm going to defend sarah palin. just a little! a lot of people think that she said 'i can see russia from my house', but she never said that, that was a sketch from saturday night life, that was tina fey, for some reason people thought that it was true. you should never believe stuff you see on tv, trust me... for years i thought dr. phil was a real doctor! and i let him check my prostate!'
10-18-11
+ 'its a great day for the day of alaska', craig ferguson states, 'congratulations alaskonians... its alaska day today! its a big holiday up there, it was on this day in 1867 that the united states bought alaska from the russians. and in about six months from now we will sell it to china... by sheer coincidence, sarah palin's daughter bristol turns 21 today, so happy birthday, bristol! i hope she is careful, now that she's 21 she can drink, and drinking alcohol can sometimes lead to sleeping with people you shouldnt be sleeping with. nah, that would never happen! i'm going to do something very unusual for a late night douche bag, i'm going to defend sarah palin. just a little! a lot of people think that she said 'i can see russia from my house', but she never said that, that was a sketch from saturday night life, that was tina fey, for some reason people thought that it was true. you should never believe stuff you see on tv, trust me... for years i thought dr. phil was a real doctor! and i let him check my prostate!'
10-17-11
+ 'you know, the art world has gone crazy', craig ferguson shares, 'there's a new book out tomorrow about vincent van gogh. for more than 100 years everyone thought van gogh had committed suicide by shooting himself in the chest, but this book says it was murder! anyway, the book turns the conventional wisdom about van gogh on its ear. ha ha! see what i did! the authors of this new book, what they are saying, they really did their homework, they say that handguns were very rare in the south of france where van gogh lived. and they ask the fair question of who would give a handgun who was so insane he cut off his own ear? anyway, apparently van gogh cut off his own ear, wrapped it in newspaper, and sent it to his favorite prostitute. the authors believed that this is a strong indication that van gogh was the worst tipper ever! the book says that van gogh might have been accidentally shot by a local teenager. there's eye witness accounts that people saw them drinking together. unfortunately the eye witnesses were all french, and they were mimes!'
10-14-11
+ 'the big movie out today that i'm very excited about is a remake of footloose', craig ferguson states sarcastically, 'yeah, cause it was so fucking awesome the first time around! we're all familiar with the plot of footloose, of course. the elders of a small town ban dancing, then the youth rise up and kill them and clog dance on their heads! the original footloose starred kevin bacon, but kevin bacon refused a supporting role in the remake, he says the part wasnt fully fleshed out, and you want your bacon fleshed out, of course. i think kevin turned it down because he's getting older. when he does that dance with his loose foot, maybe today his foot might actually come off! you know, everytime i do that footloose dance it just looks like i've just got restless leg syndrome. they are really giving this film a big marketing push, its true, they are selling clothing inspired by the film. they've got high heeled red boots and nail polish, and dont worry, they've got something for the ladies too!
10-13-11
+ 'its a great day for america's little person sex pot kim kardashian', craig ferguson shares, 'she's tiny, she's portable, she's sexy! her tv wedding special had ten and a half million viewers. ten and a half million! to give you an idea how much that is, take the viewership of this show and add ten and a half million! i dont care though because i'm taller. to be fair, the ten and a half million viewers, most of them were family. but now kim and her husband can look forward to the pitter patter of tiny feet as ryan seacrest runs up to congratulate them! take that, you successful bastards!'
10-12-11
+ 'all across the country, of course, the big news is the occupy wall street thing', craig ferguson states, 'the protests are still going on, they started off strong, and now they are huge! which just goes to show you, you give something tiny a little attention, a little love, and it will grow and it will grow... 'craig, are you using this culturally significant social movement to make a lame penis joke?' yes i am. its in my blood, its what i do! as far as i can tell though, the protesters are against government corruption, corporate corruption, and rich people. so i'm like 'alright, sounds good to me'. rich people are bastards, its true. rich people arent watching this, they've got cable! they are though, they put their names on buildings, they gobble up our national supply of caviar, they buy up tropical islands and hunt poor people for sport! they do! 'now i hunt the greatest game of all: man!'. last week the police were using pepper spray on protesters. thats frightening! what if they are spraying the protesters with condiments so the rich people can eat them! in new york the protesters are getting pretty rowdy. this morning they gathered together, they overturned donald trump's hair and set it on fire. i dont advocate criminal activity usually, but this time i'll make an exception.'= cake
geoff's new girlfriend
it seems that geoff peterson has found a new lady friend! earlier this week craig ferguson invited a young woman from the audience to come up and chat with him during the show intro: 'so, are you a dancer?' craig asks.
'i'm an actor' alex replies.
'just getting started? are you in any of the acting classes? when you are in the acting classes are there cute boys that you get to make out with and stuff?' craig questions.
'yup' alex responds.
'i went to them too. look, you know, its good that you are getting out and making friends. but you've got to be careful, there are a lot of ruthless rotten types in this town and if you are not careful you could wind up hosting a crappy late night talk show, and i worry about you. do you have an agent?' asks craig.
'no, i dont'
'well, thats good! wait a minute... did you just sit in lesbian row so you could get on the show?' craig wonders.
'sorta kinda'
'i see, so you are using this show to forward your career. you know, why not? good luck to you, i say.' as the show progressed, alex stood up by geoff peterson for the tweets and emails segment, and alex's mom even came and sat with craig during the closing segment of the show. the next night we find out that she and geoff must have hit it off because craig introduces her as geoff's new girlfriend! she seems to like 'em skinny, gay, and dead! good luck to the two of them!
*UPDATE* unfortunately for geoff, they broke up soon after alex's appearance. but, alex seemed to like being on craig's show so much that she applied for an internship at CBS! alex came to the show again and craig announced that fact on air! he also tried to hook alex up with bridger, the former intern who now works on the show as a production assistant. i'll keep you updated any any alex/bridger news!
10-11-11
+ 'not a great day in london', craig shares, 'you know why? big ben, you know, the big ben clock tower, london's famous landmark, the big ben clock tower, its in trouble. surveyors are saying that its leaning to one side and if nothing is done its going to topple over. now, the london skyline is dominated by that tower. just like paris has the eiffel tower, chicago has the sears tower, los angeles has smog and endless douche bags. but technically 'big ben' is the name of the bell inside the tower but a lot of people just call the whole building big ben, which is ok. there's more to that magnificent structure than that big dong. i know how it feels... anyway, the bell inside the tower isnt the original, it was replaced soon after the tower's construction. the original bell was declaired, and i quote, 'porous, unsound, and defective'. so they made it a member of the royal family. personally i dont mind if big ben is leaning, as long as its not a threat to pippa middleton, she's too precious! some people say the shifting of big ben is due to the construction of london's subway, but i think its obvious who's really responsible: lord voldemort! 'i cant believe you said his name!' 'shut up, ron!' how creepy is it that i know all that shit?'
10-10-11
+ 'it is a great day if you've got a beard', craig ferguson shares, 'but its always a great day if you've got a beard! the police have arrested two men who have been breaking into the houses of amish men and shaving off their beard! now, as you know, the amish reject most forms of technology. they are like old people, but on purpose. which is kind of a dumb thing to say because you dont become old by accident. anyway, the debeardings were committed by other members of the amish community. fox has already announced a new reality show called 'when amish attack'. the beard attacks have rocked the amish community. towns like intercourse, pennsylvania. all summer nobody could get through intercourse without hearing about it. in the town square conversations were going on all day because some people like to talk in the middle of intercourse. by the way, if you are in pennsylvania and you want to skip intercourse, why not travel on route 69. its the scenic route, you know, so make sure you take the time to stop and smell the roses... you know, it takes you all the way to jackson hole!'+ betty white comes on to announce she is running for president with the slogan 'white power'. um, she might want to rethink that one...
10-07-11
+ at the top of the show we see craig ferguson standing with his buddy chris hardwick. 'you probably know why i called you here, chris hardwick.''i wish i did, for once' chris replies.
'well, heres the reason why: tonights first guest jason schwartzman was on the way in from new york city but apparently his plane was delayed. so for the purposes of this evening, and perhaps later on when we go for dinner, you will have to be jason schwartzman tonight.'
'oh, really?!'
'yes, this is your big acting opportunity, you get to show the world what a great actor you are.' craig states.
'oh', chris says trying to get into character, 'i am fantastic on 'bored to death'! i sure loved being in 'the royal tenenbaums', bill murray and i had fun traipsing around on 'rushmore'!'
'the thing is though, he might make it, so in which case if he does get here, you can hang out by the robot.'
'so uh, i'm your door prize? is that what i'm doing today?' chris questions
'is that the kind of acting you are going to do? because jason schwartzman is much better than that...' craig states.
'no no no, that was something he said on a thing once'
'really?' craig asks.
'no, i made that up.' chris admits.
'some times i wonder why we're friends, and then you kiss me and i remember...' turns out, jason does make it in time. so instead chris helps out with tweets and emails instead.
10-06-11
+ 'listen, if you've tuned in tonight to hear me talk about the nobel prize', criag begins, 'you are out of luck. i've talked about the nobel prize all week, and i'm not going to talk about it tonight. i'm kidding, its day four of the nobel prize week- its the nobel prize for literature! literature is books, you know those things that you download and then ignore because you are playing angry birds! the nobel prize for literature went to the author who has enriched all our lives- i'm talking of course about snookie. to be fair, i havent read snookie's book, maybe she's a young poofy haired hemingway, she's already got the drinking part down, she's already on her way! no, the guy who won today was a swedish poet. now, if you know anything about me, you know i love swedish poetry. some people like crack, but for me its swedish poetry! when ever the crack pipe gets handed to my, i say no thanks. 'let that pipe move along' i always say! 'i'm sorry barman, nothing in your entire establishment interests me, do you have any swedish poetry?' 'i'm sorry i cant look at your breasts, attractive stranger, unless they are covered in swedish poetry!'.'
win the big cash prize!
at the end of each interview craig ferguson always likes to offer a choice for the guests. it started off with an awkward pause, then expanded to include the option of playing the mouth organ (and a chance to win the golden mouth organ!). there have been a some other options that never seemed to pan out, like 'touch my glittery ball'. but now there is a new one: win the big cash prize! if a guest chooses this option, they can win fifty dollars, all in singles, by answering one question correctly. the question always starts the same way: 'iceland is a country in the north atlantic. its capitol is reykjavik...' and then craig asks the question. what do iceland and reykjavik have to do with the question? nothing at all! but it sure does mix up the guests! questions have ranged from topics such as blinking, the french language, and regis philbin's height. fortunately, the guests can ask for a little help and craig will whisper the right answer to them, but not all the guests take advantage of it. usually the guests dont even believe the money is real! to which craig replies 'it is fifty 1 dollar bills, accepted at all strip clubs in these united states!'
10-05-11
+ 'its day three of nobel prize week', craig ferguson exclaims, 'today is the nobel prize for chemistry! i love nobel prize week, i love the build up to friday when all the winners get a shot at the showcase showdown! thats how they do it, one lucky contestant will win a trip to hawaii and a hug from skinny drew carey. i've hugged drew carey when he was fat and now i've hugged him now that he's skinny. i preferred fat, i've got to be honest. anyway, the nobel prize for chemistry was won today by an isreali scientist, daniel sheckman, for his work on quasi crystals. they are like regular crystals, but not as meth-y. actually, they are not not like regular crystals at all! quasi crystals are different from other crystals because their molecular pattern never ever repeats themselves. just like us here, we never ever repeat ourselves. isnt that right, picture of paul mccartney? the guy who won the nobel prize has an awesome story, its a very good story. he was working on this stuff but had to quit from the research group because the people he was working with on the quasi crystals they thought that this was absurd. so he had to leave and now he has achieved great success on his own. in layman's terms, its like if the research group was destiny's child and he was beyonce!'+ michael caine in space
10-04-11
+ 'there's big news in the geeky world', craig ferguson shares, 'its nobel prize week! i know what you are thinking, i know your thinking 'craig, are you going to do a whole week of nobel prize monologues like you did last year?' and to these people i say 'youve been watching this show way too much, and that will learn you for not paying your cable bill!'.' (if you are nerdy enough to actually remember craig's monologues from last year, you can relive them here, here, and here!) 'plus, its already tuesday and i didnt even mention the nobel prize yesterday, so ha ha. today was the nobel prize for physics! now, do you know who won? thats right, you guessed it, mike and molly's melissa maccarthy! it really is her year! no, she didnt win the nobel prize for physics. i'm kind of obsessed with physics, i have one of those little toys where you pull out one ball and it smashes against the other one and they keep going back and forth. i have one with me at all times! whats it called again? oh yes, its my scrotum.'
10-03-11
+ 'do you know what is happening?' craig ferguson asked, 'its the third week of the 'occupy wall street' protests in new york and today the protests shut down an entire manhattan street. and then the cops asked michael moore to move. i know what you are thinking 'wait a minute craig, he lost some weight' yeah, but he put it back on again. and thats just when duche bags like me swoop! you get no congratulations for losing the weight, and then we just wait like vultures... anyway, the protests on wall street is actually a pretty diverse group of people. you've got liberals and conservatives, libertarians and socialists, team edward and team jacob. everybody is there! now some people have criticized the protesters for a lack of focus and they might have a point. today the crowd was chanting 'what do we want?' 'we're not sure' 'when do we want it?' 'well, depends...'.'+ we also learned that michelle obama really loves to watch the show. or maybe not.
9-30-11
+ 'the real news this week', craig ferguson states, 'scientists are in the news! 'who are they?' eh, just guys. scientists think they have discovered particles they think go faster than light. i know what you are thinking 'oh come on, not another late night guy banging on about particle physics, leno did this last week!' anyway, this discovery took place at the world famous cern laboratory in switzerland. now scientists made this discovery inside a device known as a 'super collider'. a super collider is different than a regular collider because it wears tights and a cape. i dont know if something can go faster than the speed of light, but this research team said they have tripple checked the data, and swiss scientists have a reputation for being thorough. remember, the swiss scientists created the swiss army knife. the speed of light is, of course, is 186,000 miles per second. its hard to visualize it, so an easier way to think about it is to think of the entire universe is like a mile of highway, then light is traveling at the speed of mel gibson after three margaritas! if this discovery holds it is amazing, if there is actually something that goes faster than the speed of light- this changes everything! for a start, it means that einstein's theory of relativity is wrong. of course albert einstein is no longer with us, but if he were alive today he would be saying 'my god, the detroit lions are 3-0? this cannot be!' i know! for most of the last century the basis of all high level physics has been einstein's theory of relativity: e=mc2. which is like the nerd equivalent of witnessing a naked lesbian pillow fight- this is a big deal!
9-29-11
+ 'its a big day for me', craig ferguson shares, 'as you can probably tell. its national coffee day, i've had a lot of- a lot of coffee today. it is, its national coffee day so hazaah for watery stimulants. i freely admit that i am addicted to coffee. if i dont have coffee i am a cranky miserable bastard. after i've had a cup of coffee i am a speedy cranky miserable bastard. i used to get my coffee every day at the same place, the starbucks up on melrose. i stopped because they wouldnt let people use the bathroom. i said 'wha?!?' i wanted to use the bathroom one day, i'm a human. they said 'no, we dont let you, its locked'. coffee is a diuretic! what the hell is this?!? they said 'well, we cant open the bathroom because prostitutes were conducting their business inside the bathroom'. i'm like 'what? do you want them conducting their business outside the bathroom?!?' well why not, we are already getting screwed by the 10 dollar cup of coffee, so why not? i stopped going in protest to them, and i got my daily coffee somewhere else. i taught them a lesson by going to the starbucks next door. anyway, starbucks logo of course is a mermaid with no clothes on- its very racy! you can see the nipples and the genitals and everything! i mean, you have to draw them on... id rather see the mermaid on the cup than those inspirational quotes. remember they used to put the inspirational quote on the cup? oh piss off! 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind' yeah, whatever ghandi! put some pants on! the worst was when they had quotes from regular customers. if i wanted to read inane drivel i would follow a kardashian on twitter!'
9-28-11
+'its still not a great day here at CBS', craig ferguson admits, 'everyone here is still a little bit sad and we are still reeling from yesterdays news about andy rooney retiring. when i first heard about this i thought 'here we go, another sexting scandal!' turns out he's leaving '60 minutes' to pursue his true calling: mixed martial arts. i'm really kind of sad about andy being gone. larry king retired, then regis retired, and now andy rooney retiring. i'm one of the last grumpy old dudes on tv! sunday will be andy rooney's final appearance on 60 minutes. after that his eyebrows will be shipped to the smithsonian where they will delight tourists and children for generations to come. 'in olden days, kids, these things roamed the prairies in great herds, the whole country was dark with them- then the white man came.' there's big news around here anyway, cbs is throwing a 'going away' dinner for andy at three o'clock in the afternoon! they want me to dress like a stripper and pop out of the cake but i wont do it! lets just say that you dont want to be covered in icing when morley saffer is around... he's got a sweet tooth and quick hands! andy rooney started working at cbs back in 1949! now tv was a lot different back then, for one thing you had to watch shows actually on television- not on your phone, on television! and there was no remote so you actually had to walk all the way up there and change the channel. the good news is you only had to do it twice and thats everything. 'three whole channels and there's still nothing to watch in tv!' but back then there were no reality shows, no late night talk shows, no kardashian shows. in other words, it was the golden age! channels were different back then too, there was the history channel back then, but it was just simply called 'now'.'- rashida jones
* jonathan ames
9-27-11
+ 'its not a great day in brazil', craig ferguson shares, 'you know brazil? the south american country famous for the nuts and the waxing, and the waxing nuts. right now in northeast brazil they might have to shut down the breaches because of piranhas! yikes! you dont want to get in the water with one of those! i feel the same about larry king. i never go in the hot tub with larry king, although he does make his own bubbles. they smell like brisket. over the weekend 100 people in brazil were attacked by piranhas! to give you an idea of just how aggressive these piranhas have become, the people that were attacked were in their hotels! you know, the piranha fish are always popular in the bond movies as well. the villain always says 'please excuse the bubbliness of my jacuzzi mr. bond, its just my deadly piranhas. why dont you take a bath, mr. bond! ha ha!'.'- mary lynn rajskub
* jackie collins
= trombone shorty
9-26-11
+ 'good news from the world of food', criag ferguson states, 'there's a new show premiering on another network. its a food show and its called 'the chew'. its like 'the view' because they both have 'eww' in it! now in a lot of cities, 'the chew' is replacing the canceled soap opera 'all my children'. or is it?!? duh dum! if this show does well it will inspire other food themed tv shows on network tv. 'c.s. pie', 'desperate house pies', 'how pie met your mother', 'american pie-dle'. yeah, their all kind of crap, huh? the food shows are all the rage, though. they made some chefs famous, there are no more plain old chefs anymore, now they are all iron chefs and celebrity chefs. its like porn stars, they are all porn 'stars' now, there's no porn actors anymore, they are all 'stars'. what ever happened to the plain old porn actor, the regular working stiff, what happened to him? here in l.a. you can tell when a celebrity chef made my meal because you can taste the botox in it. to be honest, i dont want to know who made my food, i like the whole thing to be anonymous. i look at the menu, i make my order, someone cleans the table and i leave a tip- just like sex! thats the way i like it!'- jonah hill
= chris young
craig on nerdist!
9-23-11
+ 'a lot of big movies opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'my friend gerry's movie 'machine gun preacher' is opening today, you know, prayer and bullets- thats what you want! also the movie 'moneyball' which i thought i would love moneyball because this movie clearly combines two great passions in my life, and then i realized it was about baseball and i'm like meh. then i found out its about the math behind baseball- bleh! and then i found out brad pitt's in it and i though 'well...' there's other movies out too, there's 'abduction' with taylor lautner, and then there's another movie out called 'dolphin tale' which is about dolphins. i'm not sure which i like more, a movie with taylor lautner or a movie about dolphins? a movie about a glistening creature i dream about swimming with, or a movie about dolphins?'- gerard butler
- kat dennings
9-22-11
+ 'earlier tonight there was the premier of the new charlie's angels', craig ferguson shares, 'its a new version of the old 70's show, which i think is a good idea. i think they should do more, do more shows from the 70's. what about hawaii five-0, i think that would be a good idea. wait, thats on cbs isnt it? i aught to pay more attention to the cbs schedule. do we still have 'dr. quinn, medicine woman'? anyway, today is a special day for charlie's angels, not only is the new show premiering, but it was 35 years ago today that the original show premiered! i remember it like it was yesterday. i was 14 years old, doing things that a 14 year old boy does: masturbating, huffing paint... sometimes at the same time! still to this day i can only get aroused when i smell eggshell white. i'm fine with the new version of charlie's angels, i think its perfectly acceptable to recycle old crap from tv... i do it every night! anyway, the new charlie's angels have a few changes from the original, i think the new ones are sexy vampires or something. anyways, these ladies know how to kick ass. they are like the desperate housewives with guns and less botox. less botox for now- wait till season three!'- chris hardwick stops in to help out with the tweets and emails.
- billy gardell
9-21-11
+ 'you see the x-factor earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'its the x-factor, the new singing competition show with simon cowell and paula abdul. who says theres no original ideas in television? i havent seen it, but i've got it on the tivo so down tell me what paula abdul says. seriously, dont tell me because i woulnt be able to understand it. now the expression 'the x factor' refers to the unexplainable quality that makes someone special. the french would call it, for example, 'gene se qua'. the germans call it 'der poopin sphincter'. x factor the show is basically the karioke version of singing a popular song in front of judges. its completely different from american idol because... people thought american idol wouldnt survive without simon cowell, but it seems to be doing ok without him. not everyone is a fan of the x-factor show. this is true: elton john said that he would rather have his penis bitten off by a german shepherd than watch the x-factor. i'm not making that up, he actually said that! and i'm thinking 'elton, you dont have to choose one or the other, you can do both!' i've got a german shepherd that will do it and a jack russell that will nibble your balls at the same time!'- james spader
- juno temple
9-20-11
+ 'its a big day in new york city', craig ferguson shares, 'its a big day because its the first day of the new session of the united nations. now, for diplomats this is like the first day of school. all the big countries pick on the little countries, australia stuffs new zealand into a locker and stuff. 'get into there you little kiwi bastard!' 'how can you tell i'm a kiwi, our accent is so similar!' tomorrow at the u.n. though, the president of brazil will be the first woman in history to give the key note address. to mark the occasion, every world leader gets a free brazilian wax! too bad gaddafi isnt still in power, he could use one! you know muammar gaddafi today he broadcast an audio message saying that he's still in power, he's just going underground, its just a temporary setback. i'm like 'yeah sure', just like my local blockbuster video is 'temporarily' closing its doors. they are not coming back, dont bother returning your video! president obama addresses the general assembly tomorrow, he's expected to urge the delegates to fight global warming, reduce poverty, and find out what the hell is happening over at netflix. your welcome five guys who know what the fuck i'm talking about...'beatles tweet
criag ferguson finally introduces a new email and twitter jingle- this one is in the style of 60's pop, borrowing heavily from the beatles look and sound. its in black and white and features craig as all four of the moptoped musicians! the big haired singer on guitar, a backup singer on the bass, a pipe smoking keyboardist, and the drummer with a massive handle bar mustache- all played by craig! after the song craig comments 'i look forward to your tweets and emails that say 'no one in the beatles smoked a pipe!' thats right because it wasnt the beatles was it?!?'
9-19-11
+ 'happy birthday to my buddy jimmy fallon', craig ferguson states, 'its hard to believe but he turns 55 years old today! ha ha! thats right fallon, the late night wars are back on! i'm kidding, happy birthday jimmy. its a big night of television tonight as well with 'two and a half men' with ashton kutcher, 'dancing with the stars' with chaz bono. i always get these two confused, ashton kutcher and chaz bono. one of them is married to cher, right? its a joke, i love cher, she's a national treasure. if you think two and half men and dancing with the stars is enough tv for one night, you are wrong, mister. cause there was also the premier of 'how i met your mother', or as arnold schwarzenegger calls it 'i nailed to maid'! also, the season premier of 'hawaii five-0' was on CBS, it was up against a show called 'the playboy club' on a different network. a network that is not my employer, so you can guess which show i'm going to be talking about- thats right, the playboy club! good old NBC has the playboy club. if you dont know, they were hugely popular years ago. not the playboy club, NBC.'
9-16-11
+ 'its a great day to be in germany', craig ferguson shares, 'because today is the first day of octoberfest. so its september 16th is the first day of 'octoberfest'. nothing says 'problem drinking' like starting the octoberfest in the middle of september! its like if you are someone who loves octoberfest you are like 'i'm not waiting for october- i'm having octoberfest right now! labor day- octoberfest right now!' the festival is over three weeks long and some people go every day. every day! these people are called 'alcoholics'. during octoberfest the germans go wild and crazy, and by wild and crazy i mean one guy named fritz goes 'i am mildly amused, or this beer is making me feel rather pleasant'. octoberfest is in munich, thats kind of the epicenter. and its in the german state of bavaria in southern germany. i've been there and it was a surprise to me- its lovely. bavarian people are very nice and happy go lucky. thats kind of weird because nazism started in bavaria. they were like 'no, its not like that anymore. come on, you want to play hackie sack?' they have very strict rules in munich, for instance they only serve beer that was brewed inside the city limits. which, you know, thats pretty german, isnt it? have a purity test for the beer? 'is this beer completely german?' bavarian beer is strong though, its got about twice the alcohol content of american beers. the germans go crazy for anything with a high alcohol content. thats why they go crazy for david hasselhoff.'
9-15-11
+ 'its a great day if you like the strange records', craig ferguson states, 'the new guinness book of world records is out today. i always wanted to get in it. some people have more than one title in the guinness book of records. for example, the man who holds the record for the worlds longest fingernails also holds the record for worlds most cautious masturbator. i actually have a friend in the guinness book of records, my friend regis philban. he holds the record for the person who has been on tv the longest! 15,662 hours! i cant imagine doing that many hours of television. but some nights here... holding on to a guinness record is difficult though, the average record only stands for about 13 months. its just the nature of the game. if you are the guy who can squirt milk 10 feet out of your eyes you know there's always someone younger and squirtier coming up after you. did you know that the guinness book of records was founded in ireland, it really was, in 1950. it was originally a way to set trivia based arguments in irish bars. you know, any irish bar i've ever been it though you cant go 'alright, calm down everyone, lets check the book to find out, hold your horses!'. before the book all they had to settle the arguments was the irish tradition of a broken bottle to the face!'+ today geoff became a man...
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