+ 'if you are wondering why we are on a little later than usual', craig asks, 'its because the masters is on. i wait all year with bated breath for the masters to be on. 'did you just say you masturbate all year?' yes i do, i get those sequins in my hand and go nuts! thats right, i masturbate to golf. oh, geeze. classy show tonight, isnt it? well, we're on late and the kids are already asleep. the masters has been on cbs since 1956, its a cbs staple, it will always be on cbs. its a cbs staple like andy rooney, katie curic... she's gone. you are dead to me, katie! they call the masters the super bowl of golf but its a little different than the real super bowl. you wont see anyone at a golf tournament shirtless with paintings yelling 'you suck! you suck!', not since i was banned from pga events. now, golf of course was invented in scotland in 1523. it was invented by a scotsman called john golf. he came up with an idea of hitting the head of an englishman with a long curved stick for five hours. people were like 'what are you doing?!?' 'golf.' course they dont use englishmen's heads for golf in scotland anymore, the stopped that practice a long time ago- last september.'

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