+ 'a couple of very big movies opening today', craig ferguson informs, 'the action movie 'red' with bruce willis, morgan freeman, and helen mirren. and 'jackass 3D' with johnny knoxville and that midget thats always running around in his underpants. whats the name of that midget in the underpants again? thats right, tom cruise. hey craig, knock it off! now tom cruise will never be on this show! anyway, jackass 3D and red are very different movies, of course. one has a bunch of dangerous stunts done by people who aught to know better, and the other one is jackass 3D. you know what i'd like to see? helen mirren in a jackass movie! that would be awesome! 'this one is called 'shopping cart down a hill'! please affix an alligator to my nipple'. apparently in jackass 3D the guys play tether ball with a beehive, which is awesome, unless you are the bee. then thats not a hilarious stunt, thats like a home invasion. that would be like turning my ferret hut into a whack-a-mole!'
+ craig ferguson does a great monologue tonight, but the highlight was the conversation he had with geoff peterson, his robot skeleton sidekick, at the end: 'its kind of ending up on commercial break time' craig says.
'breaky poo?' geoff asks.
craig asks 'breaky poo?'
'in your pants!' geoff retorts.
'hey! hey!' an exasperated craig exclaims, 'see, when i first got the skeleton out to be my sidekick i thought it would be awesome. but now he's better than me. now i'm like, thats not so great. then i think, yeah, it is kind of good, cause soon i'll be replaced by a robot and i can do what i really want to do: bedazzle!'
+ geoff peterson covers the red carpet for the movie 'red'. he gets to talk to morgan freeman, richard dreyfus, 'weird al' yankovic, bruce willis, sylvester stallone, and even gets slapped on the face from john malkovich (as per craig's request)!
- drew carrey he even somehow cons craig into donating $10,000!
well, what do you know? looks like craig ferguson and the late late show finally got a band! now they will be just like the rest of the late night shows! well, not exactly... craig's band is a bit different, its just two guys standing over by geoff peterson, the robot skeleton sidekick. one of the guys plays the accordian and the other plays the harmonica. strange, huh? as i watched i wondered if this was just a one time only deal, or if this was going to last. craig addressed that question during his 'what have we learned on the show tonight, craig?' segment when he said: 'you know folks, things on the show tonight, some things went good, and other things we all know didnt go so good. but i, i think back to the first night a young skeleton took the reigns of the podium there, and his first night was pretty awkward too. now look at him- still shit. but we are committed, and remember that if something doesnt really work on the show, that means its going to be around for quite a while...'
+ 'its a great day for our friends down in chile', craig ferguson shares, 'the 33 miners from chile are back with their families. well done, chile! if you are wondering were chile is, its the long thin country in south america, its the supermodel of south american countries. the chilean miners were trapped in a gold and copper mine for two months and one of them brought up souvenir rocks as presents for the rescuers, and the rescuers were like 'thats great thanks, but wasnt there any gold ones?' the miners were 2000 feet below the earth, thats pretty far down. how far down was it, craig? they were so far down the saw the devil preparing for justin bieber! anyway, it took a few weeks to establish communication with the miners. when the miners were first contacted they asked for just one thing, the first thing they asked for was toothbrushes. thats true! but unfortunately the first team on the scene was british. they were like 'toothbrushes? oh no! they've gone insane!' the mine though, must have been pretty crowded with 33 guys down there. basically it was one big room with a few tunnels running off of it, so the guys would use the tunnels to go to exercise or use the bathroom or to practice being interviewed by oprah. you know its coming! 'youre getting a free trip to australia!' 'thanks oprah, but we've already been down under'.'
+ 'its a bit of a nervous day for me today actually', craig ferguson admits, 'as soon as the show is over i'm getting on a plane and going to san francisco. i'm hosting an award show. now, i've hosted award shows before, but this, this is the big one. this is the granddaddy of them all, this is the direct marketing association awards! yes, i have no idea what is, but it proves one thing: i will do anything for a dollar! i am a whore! anyway, so i did some research to understand the nature of direct marketing but after reading two sentences on wikipedia i got bored. i'll just show up and look pretty. i know a little about direct marketing, i know without it i would have no idea that there were 137 chinese restaurants in my neighborhood. the direct marketing award show will probably take forever because before you open an envelope with the winners name you have to open eight other envelopes with advertising on them. direct marketings do a lot more than mailing, of course, now a days they use text messages to excite people with their wares, kind of like brett favre...'
+ 'it is columbus day! happy columbus day, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'it is the day of the year we pay tribute to central ohio's most exciting city. i'm sorry akron, another day for you, but today: columbus day! now, school children know about christopher columbus from the rhyme: 'in fourteen hundred ninety two columbus sailed the ocean blue'. the rest goes 'he proved the earth was not flat, he wore puffy trousers that made his ass look fat'! that is true! anyway, in columbus' time a lot of people thought the earth was flat. these people were called idiots. see, most people already knew then. columbus is credited though with discovering america, but there were many people already here before him, native americans, vikings, kardashians, balwins, andy rooney was here too. i understand the temptation to say i discovered something when there were others there before you, cause i say i 'discovered' drugs and alcohol at a young age. i didnt really 'discover' them, there were others before me there, brave men and women who vomited in the alley ways and passed out in the dumpsters before i was born. all i'm saying is that its a little odd to claim you discovered an entire country if theres already people living there. its like breaking into someones house and saying 'hey, look what i discovered! i claim this big screen tv for the queen of spain!'.'
recently craig ferguson has shared one of his secret passions: ferrets! which i'm sure is completely true, it even says so on wikipedia, and you know you can trust anything thats on wikipedia... and to prove that love he shows off this amazing picture of his family of ferrets. also, love the peace sign earring...
be sure to check out the rest of 'the scottish king' website! we've got over 500 episode summaries, email and twitter jingles, segments, and other fun stuff!
be sure to check out the rest of 'the scottish king' website! we've got over 500 episode summaries, email and twitter jingles, segments, and other fun stuff!
+ 'the waldorf historia, the big fancy hotel in new york is the latest place to be infested by bed bugs', craig ferguson shares, 'they've got the bed bugs there. and when the waldorf historia gets bed bugs they are fancy. they drink your blood, but they lift up all their pinkies. also bed bugs found this week in several government buildings in washington dc. i'm like, i cant believe they have to deal with those dirty blood sucking pests, those poor bed bugs! see what i did there? i turned it around! you were like 'craig, what are you... oh, you!'.'
+ dear aquaman
+ 'the big news everyone is talking about, it is the forth day of nobel prize week', craig ferguson shares, 'today they gave out the nobel prize for literature, which is very exciting. it guarentees monster sales. sorry, i'm thinking about oprah, the nobel doesnt mean a thing. i was hoping to get a nobel to go to me for my book of limerics this year: 'nantucket and other places you can suck it'. but instead the nobel went to the author mario vargas llosa. congratulations mario, thats super. thats super mario... anyway, mario is from peru where he is a beloved national figure, so in peru they celebrated with a big parade around lake titicaca, you can get there by motorboat, if you fall out you can just do the breast stroke... where is the nobel prize for innuendo? how about that? anyway, i'm not sure how you can judge literature, its very subjective. for every person who likes earnest hemmingway, there is someone who thinks that hes just a boring old drunk. i look forward to your letters, your well written drunken letters that contain no adjectives. hemmingway won the nobel prize for literature in 1954, and in 1953 winston churchill won it, so after those two collected their prize, sweden was completely out of booze! 'we vill have to import more booze- call mel gibson!' 'what are you talking about? its 1954, mel gibson is just a baby in australia!' 'yes, he's just a baby, but he's a drunken antisemitic baby!'. like many people, i thought cormac macarthy was going to win, anyway he didnt win. he's a american author who writes gritty american novels, but he didnt win. as a matter of fact, in the past 20 years only one american has won the nobel prize for literature, tony morrisson. who i think was in 'the doors'... there is definately an anti american bias, but it will change next year because snookie's book is coming out.'
> louis anderson this guy is surprisingly funny!
+ 'its nobel prize week', craig ferguson shares, 'we are very excited. weve been celebrating all week with... um... and in stokholm they are giving out the nobel prizes all week, and today is the hump day of nobel prize week. friday they are going to give out the nobel peace prize, but today they are going to give out the prize for chemistry. the nobel prize is named after a chemist, of course, its named after alfred prize. no, its alfred nobel. he was a chemist, he was a swedish chemist who invented dynamite. it seems strange to give a peace prize named after a guy who invented dynamite. its like giving the masturbation award to that woman who is running for the senate in delaware... i know what you are thinking, 'craig, there is no award for masturbation'. you are right, masturbation is its own reward. every year after the peace prize is awarded there is a special concert held in norway. usually its hosted by a dignitary or diplomat, but in 2008 it was hosted by scarlett johannson and michael caine. i know! and they both gave speeches about world peace, scarlett johannson said 'i pray for peace between nations', and michael caine said 'i wouldnt mind a piece of scarlet johannson, ding dong oh la la!'.'
craig ferguson is back at it again! the return of the singing intro finds craig singing the modern english song 'ill stop the world and met with you'. in it craig is sporting a navy captain's jacket and a crazy blonde 'flock of seagulls' wig! wavey the crocadillio and cyd the rabbit help out, along with guntar on the guitar and random black guy on the tambourine. and just to keep things strange, adam (dressed as an astronaut) and jamie from mythbusters are there to help out as well! what chaotic, silly fun!
+ 'i cant believe i'm sick this week', craig ferguson exclaims, 'of all the weeks to be sick, why this one? this is the week i look forward to all year. this week is more exciting than shark week, or fashion week, or mystery meatball week at the cbs cafeteria. this week is, of course, nobel prize week! the nobel prize, of course, is the most prestigous award in the world, its even bigger then the golden globe. ugh. every day this week a different nobel prize is handed out by a mysterious shadowy group known as scandinavians. yesterday these 'scandinavians' gave out the nobel prize for medicine, today its the prize for physics, tomorrow they give out comedy/variety. i'll tell you right now its going to the daily show, it always goes to the fucking daily show! anyway, the nobel peace prize isnt announced till friday. lets be honest, thats the big one, the peace prize. its kind of like the oscar for best picture. today's award, the nobel prize for physics, its kind of like the oscar for best sound mixing, your parents might be proud, but everyone else is kind of like 'meh'. they have been giving out the nobel prize for medicine for 110 years, and during all that time no one has ever come up with something to do with the common cold, which in my present condition, is something thats important to me. i know what you are thinking, your thinking 'craig, what about 1996 when they gave the award to rolf zinkernagel for his insights into how the immune system attacks viruses' and i say no no, it was peter c. doherty who did all the work while zinkernagel sat on his fat ass. you heard me linkernagal, you lazy bastard! right now rolf zinkernagel is thinking 'what the fuck? i'm a scientist, man'. yeah, well, you'll never know when its coming, zinkernagel...'
+ chris hardwicke stops by to help answer the tweets and emails. they talk about dr. who. what a surprise...
+ 'its a great day for america, but not such a great day for me', craig ferguson admits, 'i've got a bad head cold, its one of those that makes every other word sound like 'glahglk'! people are like 'i cant understand your accent', and tonight, neither can i! i dont know if i've got the cold or the flu, either way i'm lucky because all the gook is up in my head. the trouble is in the attic, not the basement is what i'm saying. my head feels like its going to blow up and cover everyone with confetti. i know what you are thinking 'craig, why didnt you stay home and give us a break' no! i didnt stay home because i am loyal to my viewer! and i need the money. everything sucks when youve got this flu head cold thing. driving to work sucks, singing show tunes sucks 'theres hpno business like phnowbusiness' i know i'm whining, but i feel like my face is melting. i feel like joan rivers out in the sun. yesterday i posted on the tweety, on the twitter, i posted that i was getting the flu. people have been tweeting their home remedies, the herbal ointments and breathing techniques. one guy sent me a diagram for his cure, it was fantastic, it involved using jumper cables to hook my nuts up to a car battery. so, where ever you are j. fallon, thank you! i used your cure, although i am still congested, i feel happy so i dont care! a lot of people say i should each chicken soup. ive had so much chicken soup my ass is clucking! it seems like a lot of people base their advice, their remedy advice, on old sayings like starve a fever, feed a cold, bitch slap the measles, hump the mumps... do you know that researchers say the number one place you pick up infections is door knobs, even if you wash your hands you can pick up germs from a door knob. thats why i always lick them clean before i use a door knob.'
+ 'the big movie this weekend is the social network', craig ferguson shares, 'and everyone says its really good. you know who's in it? that great actress, she's lovely, whats her name again? oh, justin timberlake. the facebook used to be exclusive to people in college, but a couple years ago they opened it up so anyone could do it. its like late night shows. and it was used by democrates for the election, and i'm sure they will use it in 2012 too, you know, to look for jobs. its weird to me that people put private information online. people share their locations, their dinner plans, their bathroom habits. its taken all the fun out of stalking. you know, we used to make our own stalking entertainment, you had to follow people, wear a hat...'
+ dear aquaman
+ 'today is a big day in america because today is flintstones day!' craig ferguson shares, 'yes! 50 years old today, the flintstones. congratulations and happy birthday. the flintstones are a close knit family of prehistoric cartoons. just like the jersey shore. the flintstones used the first eco friendly car- powered by feet. anyway, it was 50 years ago today that the flintstones premiered on tv, its a long time. you can tell fred is getting older, the worst part now is that on the flintstones for a prostate exam a doctor uses a triceratops. whenever i think of the flintstones i think of the theme song. in the last line of that song they sing 'we'll have a gay old time'. thats back when gay meant having fun. as apposed to now when it means really having fun! anyway, the flintstones was a groundbreaking show. why? it gave us flintstones vitamins. nothing screams good health like a tablet in the shape of an overweight caveman! the real reason the show was groundbreaking is because of fred and wilma. this is true, fred and wilma were the first couple shown in bed together in prime time tv. its true, before the flintstones, men and women on tv slept in separate beds. they would do that closed mouth kissing thing they used to show, then they would go to the bedroom, take their clothes off and sit in their underwear on separate beds. 'i'm really going to read to you tonight, margret!'.'
+ 'its not such a great day for christine odonnell', craig ferguson admits, 'she's the woman who's running for senate in deleware, the one who has dabbled in witchcraft and doesnt believe in masturbation. oh yeah, nothing like a little crazy to spice up an otherwise boring election season. you know, if you are in the kind of job i'm in, this woman comes along and you are like 'oh thank you!' cause to be honest, i'm not really in to politics unless a candidate like this comes around. christine is busy making campain appearances, and today she is in hot water. she was caught lying about her educational background. she may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed 'massaging'. what happened, until last week it said in her online profile that she attended oxford university, which is of course one of the most prestigious colleges on earth. steven hawking teaches at oxford, its where rhodes scholars go. now, oxford was founded back in the year 1096 by a group of extremely smart oxen. the truth is, she didnt go to oxford university. which is a shame, because oxford rugby team are called the fighting masturbaters. thats their nickname because they always choke. no, thats not true. she didnt go to oxford, it turns out she took a class from the pheonix institute who happened to be renting a classroom at oxford. thats not the same, its like saying that you are a tv star when really you are just on cbs in the middle of the damn night!'
+ 'you know what happened in florida?' craig ferguson asks, 'a three year old boy showed up at preschool with 20 ounces of pot! i know! the florida school board was outraged, but the boy's teacher was like 'hey, it beat the hell out of an apple'. do you remember christin odonnell, the deleware woman who is running for the senate, she believes that masturbation should be outlawed, it turns out that she also doesnt believe in evolution. she asked the question, and i quote, 'why arent monkeys still evolving into humans?' it doesnt happen that fast. its not like nascar. its a little slower. and also monkeys are not turning into humans because they are too busy masturbating! do you know in kansas a delivery truck carrying ten thousand snack cakes was stolen. police are looking for that three year old boy from florida... hey hey! that was a joke right there!'
- david boreanaz (yes, they did actually kiss...)
+ 'its a great day on sesame street today', craig ferguson tells, 'the iconic childrens show started its 41st season. its offically 41 years old today, congratulations, sesame street. the cookie monster is going to have to switch to the low carb diet, today he sang 'c is for colonoscopy'. sesame street started back in 1969. it was very different back then, grover smoked weed, burt was a hari krisha, big bird went around cracking hippie skulls. my favorite character is oscar the grouch. he's a grouch, but lovable. i relate to oscar, he lives in a trash can, and i spent the 1980's in a dumpster. but whenever i see oscar i worry that the garbage man will accidentally empty him into the truck and crush him to death. i have the same worry about randy quaid. anyway, this show i think is a little bit like sesame street, we both appeal to 7 year olds, we both have puppets. sesame street though, is brought to you by letters of the alphabet, and this show is brought to you by the sham-wow and boner pills.'
craig ferguson's skeleton robot sidekick geoff peterson landed a great gig: interviewing celebrities on the red carpet! he went out and talked to all the famous people at the 'you again' premiere, including kristen bell, sigorney weaver, jamie lee curtis, victor garber, tommy davidson, almost made out with cloris leachman, and talked to betty white! it was a constant barrage of 'in your pants jokes' and having the celebrities sign his funny bone. many of the celebrities looked quite clueless about what exactly was going on, except for 'late late show' regular kristen bell who once again warned geoff that she is after his job!
+ 'i'm very excited cause its friday, and the big movie out, i've been waiting for it all year', craig ferguson shares, 'legend of the guardians is out. you know, the big owly movie, the owls of gahooliehoolieo or something. oh boy, thats a bit of a mouthful for the title. they should just call it 'owls in 3D, bitch!'. these arent your fathers weak ass 2 dimensional owls, they are 3D owls! it will seem like owls are diving right at your face! if i wanted that i would just glue a mouse to my forehead. actually, i might do that, i've got a slow weekend ahead. the movie is based on a series of kids books about owls. a real kids book by a real writer, not a celebrity who slaps their name on a book. like madonna wrote a book called 'mr. peabody's apples', kathy lee gifford i think wrote a kids book called 'party animals', even jay leno wrote a kids book. what was it called again? oh, i think it was 'goodnight conan'. now i dont know why it took hollywood this long to make a movie about owls because owls are awesome. they are! they are very interesting creatures, they've got tiny bodies and giant heads and they vomit out little furry pellets. they are exactly like the cast of desperate housewives. you can tell owl species apart by its hoots actually. a barn owl goes 'hooo' just like that, and a pottery barn owl goes 'hoo hoo moved the scented candles?' ive been thinking about owls lately, i have. next summer the winnie the pooh movie comes out and in it i do the voice of owl! it will be awesome. i was very excited to get the part, the minute i got the part i started gluing feathers onto my body and then i learned i was only doing the voice. but i kept on gluing because i look good in feathers. i'm glad i didnt get cast as pooh...'
+ geoff peterson shows off his interviewing skills by going to the red carpet of 'you again' and interviewing the celebrities
+ 'a las vegas landmark, more beloved than cher, is closing down', craig ferguson shares, 'the liberace museum is closing after 31 years. i notice that the audience is like 'huh?' and thats probably why its closing down! its closing down because of poor attendance. in this tough economy so many great museums are closing down, the mel gibson museum of tolerance, the arizona museum of mexican history... thats all i got. i actually love the liberace museum, so screw you guys! i've been there a few times. its closing on october the 17th, so make your travel plans accordingly. i loved liberace, he was all about glitz and glammer and putting on a good show- he was the polar opposite of me! now if you dont know liberace he was a world renowned pianist. he did more than just play the piano, he was an entertainer, a recording artist, a tv star. he was the steven tyler of his day, except he was more macho. he was the lady gaga of his day. its sad to hear about the liberace museum is closed. when ever i go to vegas i go there to hear his music, reflect on his life, get ideas for outfits! everything liberace owned was covered in sequins and rhinestones and glisteny things. there were a lot of rumors about liberace though, one of them is that he had his right hand surgically removed and replaced with a bedazzler. i dont think that one was true... when liberace was alive there were rumors that he might be gay. i dont know if it was true, but he might have been gay. you know in the 1950's a newspaper in england implied that liberace was gay and he sued them. and he won! that newspaper must have had the worst lawyers ever!'
+ paparazzi betty white stops by inform craig of the new photographer laws.
- jon hamm