+ 'there was a big announcement today from apple', craig ferguson states, 'i dont know if you know apple computer, they are a tiny little mom and pop company, you know.  they announced today a brand spanking new ipad is coming out in a few weeks.  and i'm like 'finally!  another high tech doodad that i dont need and dont want but i'll get anyway!'  actually, i wont get it, i cant get one, they are bringing out a new one of these every two weeks it seems.  they brought out the new ipad today in san francisco. see, if i were in san francisco i wouldnt be able to quite playing with it... or the new ipad!  i'm excited about the new ipad is what i'm saying, but then i'm excited about anything that isnt the republican primaries.  i've had enough!  i'm so excited about the new ipad i peed my ipants.  and some other computer companies tried to outdo apple today, for instance, dell just announced their newest device: a computer that turns on sometimes!  whenever a new gizmo like the ipad comes out there are always some people who have to have it before everyone else.  i understand that, i've always had to be ahead of the curve.  back in the 90's i was the first of my crew to have the rachel hairdo!  the ipad does sound pretty cool though, it'll have a high def video camera, its got faster internet, little scissors comes out the side, its got a corkscrew, its got a plastic toothpick, its got one of those things for taking stones out of a horses hooves, its got a horses hoof, its got a rear facing camera for taking pictures of your ass, and also has something called a personal hot spot.  i dont know what that is, but i like the sound of it...'
- susan sarandon
rondell sheridan

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