+ 'its a great day for our friends over in the uk', craig ferguson shares, 'cause everyone over there is talking about prince williams engagement, hes marrying his long time girlfriend kate middleton. the looks great, she's actually normal looking! according to british law, when she gets married, shes third in line to be queen. so, move over elton john. the royal family is elated, william reportedly sat down with prince charles and said 'dad, i've got great news!' 'what? grandma's dead?' poor prince charles, he's afraid he will never be king. he spends more time hugging the thrown than a bolemic supermodel. after he heard the news, prince charles pulled his son aside and said 'son, marriage is a lot of hard work. i know because someone once told me what hard work was, and it sounded a bit like marriage'. now, i make fun of prince charles, but thats not fair. he's done a decent job of raising those sons, william and harry, they both went into the military. harry risked his life in afganistan, william is a rescue helicopter pilot for the r.a.f. just last month he had his first rescue mission: he swooped down and saved someone from eating british food 'dont do it, blood pudding is actually made of blood!' 'what? i cant hear you over the helicopter!'. if your british, you might as well be excited about the royal wedding, cause you are paying for it... some british people think that your favorite royal says a lot about who you are. for instance, if your favorite royal is queen elizabeth you are distinguished and respectful, if your favorite royal is prince harry you are impish and irreverent. if your favorite royal is prince charles, then you are prince charles.'11-17-10
+ 'its a great day for our friends over in the uk', craig ferguson shares, 'cause everyone over there is talking about prince williams engagement, hes marrying his long time girlfriend kate middleton. the looks great, she's actually normal looking! according to british law, when she gets married, shes third in line to be queen. so, move over elton john. the royal family is elated, william reportedly sat down with prince charles and said 'dad, i've got great news!' 'what? grandma's dead?' poor prince charles, he's afraid he will never be king. he spends more time hugging the thrown than a bolemic supermodel. after he heard the news, prince charles pulled his son aside and said 'son, marriage is a lot of hard work. i know because someone once told me what hard work was, and it sounded a bit like marriage'. now, i make fun of prince charles, but thats not fair. he's done a decent job of raising those sons, william and harry, they both went into the military. harry risked his life in afganistan, william is a rescue helicopter pilot for the r.a.f. just last month he had his first rescue mission: he swooped down and saved someone from eating british food 'dont do it, blood pudding is actually made of blood!' 'what? i cant hear you over the helicopter!'. if your british, you might as well be excited about the royal wedding, cause you are paying for it... some british people think that your favorite royal says a lot about who you are. for instance, if your favorite royal is queen elizabeth you are distinguished and respectful, if your favorite royal is prince harry you are impish and irreverent. if your favorite royal is prince charles, then you are prince charles.'craig ferguson's doctor who intro
what a shame! craig ferguson and his crew had prepared an introduction for the dr. who themed episode, but found out after they had filmed it that they had not secured the rights to the dr. who theme music! 'so tonight because its a dr. who special, we had this idea to do with the dr. who theme music' craig shares, 'i had written some words over top of it, and we all did a dance number and we rehearsed it, the last two days we rehearsed it, rehearsed it like crazy! the puppets were in it, we were like 'ooh!' and there was a whole big thing, cause i know you enjoy the puppet intros, and i do to. and look, these guys dont dress like this all the time! so anyway, five minutes before we start tonight, i'm not kidding, five minutes, the producers, and i use that term loosely, they came to me and said 'craig, we havent got legal clearance to use the song. i said 'you fucking assholes! what the fuck?!?' but luckily i didnt let it get me angry or affect me in any way...'later in the show as he is talking to chris hardwicke, craig says 'it would be a shame if someone were to leak the intro online...' and wouldnt you know it, someone did! check out the hilarious intro with craig, his dancers, geoff, secretariat, and even with dr. who himself: matt smith! you can find it on chris' website here. check it out, its really funny!
11-16-10
the dr. who themed episode! + criag ferguson apologizes for not being able to perform the theme song from dr. who because they didnt get clearance for the music rights to it. he was quite pissed about the whole thing!
+ 'it is a great day for us at this show, and a great day for me personally', craig ferguson shares, 'because matt smith is here, the star of the dr. who show. this show, dr. who, has been close to my heart since i was a young girl. now, if youve never seen the dr. who show, its on bbc america. i like bbc america, its not as good as cbs of course. now, for those of you who have never seen dr. who, first of all wha?!? secondly, its about a time lord, alien, a doctor if you will, that travels through time in a phone booth. an idea that was flat out stolen by bill and ted. excellent adventure, my ass! by the way, 'excellent adventure my ass' is the name of a movie i've had an idea to write. i'll try to get keanu reeves, but i dont think he will do it... anyway, matt smith plays the dr. now i like the dr., cause hes not like a regular superhero, hes like a different superhero. he doesnt fly, he doesnt have laser beam eyes, he doesnt have six pack abs, he has intellect. he has intellect, an attainable power for all. he achieves things with just his mind. and a phone booth that travels through time, and the power to regenerate his body from one form into another, and a magical screwdriver. but apart from that, hes just like us. now the doctor has been played by 11 different people, kind of like cher. technically cher is one person, but is made up from parts of 11 different people. thats why dr who has been on tv for so long, you see, cause when the main actor quits they replace him with another one and they say he regenerated. see? at least they explained it, when dick york turned into dick sargent on bewitched they didnt even bother to explain it! by the way, dick sargent was my rank in the west hollywood volunteer army... they didnt ask, and i didnt tell.'
+ chris hardwick, a HUGE doctor who fan, stops by to help with the tweets and emails!
- matt smith his first american interview ever!
11-15-10
+ craig ferguson shows off a dalek, one of the bad guys from dr. who, in anticipation of the dr. who themed episode on tomorrow.+ its a great day for our president obama', craig ferguson states, 'a few hours from now his new book hits the stores, he wrote a childrens book. good for him, i say. its called 'of thee i sing'. he actually wrote the book a couple of years ago. i dont think the book publishers are that smart though, they had this book a couple of years ago, and they are thinking 'obama is so popular, if we wait two years into his presidency he will be even more popular!' oops. all the royalties of obama's book will go an organization that needs the money: the obama reelection campaign. i look forward to your letters... no, the royalties are actually going to a scholarship fund. a lot of people think that writing a childrens book will be easy, but its not. you need to write things down and draw pictures! you need to have a moral, or a lesson at the end, like green eggs and ham. the moral was you can eat spoiled meat if you want. anyway, dr. suess was one of the greatest children's book writers of all time. though he was great, but to be fair, it is easier to write a story that rhymes if you just make up words in the middle of it. if you want to impress me, dr. suess, you should try to rhyme a difficult word like nantucket! dr. suess wasnt a real doctor, just like dr. phil. it would be really annoying though if your real doctor could only speak in rhymes: 'to read your file i need my spectacles, now pull down your pants and show me your testicles'.'
11-12-10
+ 'theres a new movie out today that i'm very excited about', craig ferguson admits, 'its called 'unstoppable'. its about a train thats... unstoppable. cause when i first heard about a movie called unstoppable, i thought its about me with a bedazzler. you've got to think though, that a solution for a runaway train seems pretty simple. 'aw, the trains out of control!' well, we'll stay out off the tracks then. just stay off the tracks, lower the gates, then we will wait till the train runs out of gas. but that would be the end of the movie though, wouldnt it? its like that movie return of the king. 'the kings back. right.' you know in old movies they used to use a shot of a train going through a tunnel as code for sex. for a long time i thoughts thats how you made a baby. and thats the story of how my penis was run over by a train. anyway, the movie unstoppable stars denzel washington and chris pine. now, i like chris pine, he was captain kirk in the new star trek movie. he piloted the spaceship enterprise, and now he's driving the train in this movie. now obviously this guy is good at operating heavy machinery in a movie. and right now the producers of a movie called 'crazy fork lift' are going 'weve found our man!'.'+ billy gardell stops by to help out with the twitters and emails.
11-11-10
+ 'its a great day for all 4500 passengers of the carnival cruise ship', craig ferguson informs, 'its finally home today. they were stranded in the pacific ocean since monday. it was only supposed to be a three hour tour. the passengers thought they were going on a luxury cruise to the mexican riviera. a few hours into the voyage the power went out, they were left with no electricity, no food, no working bathrooms. it was like spending a week with randy quaid. anyway the cruise ship was towed back in to san diego today. and then the passengers, they gave them a full refund and a free ticket for another cruise! thats like getting food poisoning at a restaurant and then having the waiter ask if you want a doggie bag! when the power went out all the food on the ship spoiled and then the navy had to send in food. it was flown in by the crew of the uss ronald regan, and then later the crew of the uss bill clinton flew in jello shots and cigars. 'you dont have to smoke em'. ive always wanted to be a captain on one of these cruises, id wear my little captains had and talk like a pirate 'its happy hour right now at the barrr'. the only downside of being the captain of a ship is that you are expected to go down with it if it sinks. unless your the captain of a gay cruise, then sinking isnt a requirement for going down...'11-10-10
+ craig ferguson pitches a new comic book superhero to stan lee: invisible clothes man! for some reason stan doesnt go for it. + 'its a great day if you like andy warhol', craig ferguson shares, 'yesterday andy warhol's painting of a coke bottle sold for a record 34 million dollars. it only says 'coca-co', and for an extra 10 million they give you the 'la'. actually, its supposed to be like that, thats what makes it art. otherwise it would just be a commercial. not that theres anything wrong with commercials, i love commercials, they are my bread and butter. or, whos sponsoring tonight? not bread and butter, my guess is they are my car and boner pills... people say they buy art like this because its a great conversation piece. but i'm thinking what kind of conversation is inspired by a seven foot painting of a coke bottle? 'well, thats a big coke bottle there' 'yup' 'so, do you have a painting of a glass with some ice?'. you know, andy warhol painted soup cans that sold for millions. which i bet must piss of the guy who actually painted the cans!'
+ intern rehearsal theater
11-09-10
+ 'president obama is in indonisia today and meeting with the current president there', craig ferguson shares, 'president obama lived in indonisia as a kid, and its always weird going back to your childhood haunts. it would be like me going back to scotland to see the dumpsters i slept in and the jail cells i woke up in. but theres also bad memories, so i dont know if i would. i like it when politicians visit the places they spent their youth, cause we learn something about them. during the bush administration, dick chaney would often go back to the death star. you know when president obama lived in indonisia he was known as berry. thats what everyone called him: barry. thats adorable! its not unusual to have a different name as a kid, when i was growing up people called me tubby. and when i say people, i mean my family. barry doesnt sound much like a president though, barry sounds like a guy who gets drunk at a party and throws up in an aquarium. 'barry threw up in the aquarium and the fish ate it!' 'well, thats barry!' 'thats barry' was filmed in front of a live studio audience... anyway, i read this today: when obama was living in indonisia he had a gay nanny. it what you call, i suppose, a ganny. this is true, the gay nanny joined a transvestite dance group. you cant make this up, its true! the gay nanny joined a transvestite dance group called 'the fantastic dolls'. i dont think they needed to be called 'fantastic', i think its implied! the fantastic dolls were just like the pussycat dolls only without the... well, nevermind what they were without. do you know that when the news came out that obama had a gay nanny that became a transvestite, glen beck stopped crying for a minute.'criag's assistant bridger
criag ferguson introduces the newest assistant on his show, bridger wineger! craig starts off the show by interrogating him: 'its bridger, everybody! ever worked on any other late night shows before?' he replies 'yeah, i worked for the letterman show'. 'oh, david letterman? at 11:30 on cbs? so lets see, you are a red haired gentleman. that would be fare to say, wouldnt it? you used to be on at 11:30, but now you have changed your time slot. let me put it to you, bridger, if thats really your name! that your idea was to actually be on tbs with your new show, but somehow you slipped in here with all our glamour! dude, you have to know that working for dave to working here is not a step up... well, we wont to make you welcome, so everyone who watching this show would like to welcome you. is this your first day?" craig asks. 'its my second week' bridger responds. 'i dont pay a lot of attention around here. but i ran into you today, didnt i? i said 'your new kid, arent you?' i asked if you wanted to be on tv and you said that you already have been on dave. bridger, imagine yourself in a 19th century private school in britain. i will be performing the role of school bully. you will play the cute young boy that everyone identifies with but they secretly like me because i'm the sexy one... its not going to be like that, dont worry. but i do warn you, occasionally we do musical numbers and the cutest member of staff has to dress up in the leather outfit. did they mention that in the interview?'follow bridger's twitter account here!
11-08-10
+ 'its a big night for tv tonight', craig ferguson shares, 'earlier tonight president bush sat down for an hour long interview with matt louwer, and i watched the whole thing because we are live, and it was awesome! i liked it when matt louwer asked him about that thing and then bush gave him that answer and matt used his listening face, then i liked it when bush turned the tables and he started asking matt questions like 'is that stuff on your head really hair or is it metal filings? why arent there term limits on willard scott? where did you put the rest of al roker?' he could have asked them that! anyway, bush, george w. bush was on promoting his new memoir. memoir is a fancy french word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me'. in the future, of course, people wont write memoirs. cause we've got the twitter now, so they write as it happens. but its mundane stuff like 'had a sandwich. met bob saget. slightly disappointed. i thought bob was gay, he didnt seem to be gay, but he did buy the sandwich'. anyway, bush's memoir is a 512 pages long. thats a lot, but to be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles. in the middle there is an iraq maze thats almost impossible to get out of...'11-04-10
+ during the tweets and email answering segment, craig ferguson shares. he receives a twitter from amanda in kansas city. she says 'dear craig, do you ever get nervous before a show?' criag replies 'no. sometimes i get nervous during a show, but...' another email from ann in anchorage alaska asks 'dear craig, on a first date, whats the safest thing to order? should i be concerned with the price?' craig responds 'no. order the most expensive thing you can think of. you should order a car. then you would know if he's genuinely interested'- dick van dyke
11-03-10
+ 'finally the 2010 elections are over.' craig ferguson shares, 'finally we can get started on the campaign for 2012! hurray! after the elections last night fox news was like 'its a big upset!' and msnbc was like 'there were no surprises', and the E channel was like 'we need more kardashians!', the bravo channel was like 'your not wearing that, mister', and cbs was like 'finally nothing new about charlie sheen!' i watched the election coverage last night on cnn and i was very distracted, theres a lot of guys hunched over a bunch of laptops, a lot of noise going on, they were constantly being interrupted by the loud graphics and computer updates and the text messages from brett favre. 'wow, theres a big swing to the right in minnesota'. well not that big, but its cold in minnesota. you know who did very well yesterday was the tea party! wow! they say that the tea party is sending a message, but i'm not sure what that message is. i think the message is 'were the tea party, we hate... coffee'. you know, i just think they need to pick a tougher name, thats what i'm saying. tea party doesnt sound that intimidating, it sounds like something i do every sunday with my ferrets.'+ lewis black stops by to help with emails and tweets
= dr. dog
11-01-10
+ 'of course, here in america, its election eve', craig ferguson states, 'tis the night before election and all through the house people are shouting crap at each other! anyways, its the night before the big midterm elections and the republicans are saying 'its time for a change', and democrats are saying 'stay the course', and charlie sheen is saying 'wheres my pants? i had a watch.' anyway, what i'm saying is that a candidates personality is not more important than their beliefs. when i vote for a politician i dont care about their personality, i just want the job done. its just like hiring a plumber. you dont hire a plumber for the conversation, you just want them to fix the sink and show you his ass crack. actually, let me tell you, sometimes i dont even want the sink fixed!'10-29-10
+ 'it is friday, and its a big weekend coming up, its halloween on sunday', craig reminds, 'halloween on sunday is kind of nice, i can spend the whole weekend fine tuning my costume. i'm going to be the most bedazzling ghost ever! actually, i'm too lazy to make a real costume, i'll just take off everything except my socks and i'll just go as charlie sheen. thats what i'll do! i'll run around in my socks and say 'boo!' i'm honestly looking forward to sunday night, you know, hearing all the screaming and seeing the monsters and nightmarish imagery, then i'll turn off the campaign adds and wait for the trick-or-treaters! everyone likes halloween here, in west hollywood its a big deal. there is a huge parade in west hollywood this weekend, the come from all over the world to see it. 'hey you guys really know how to celebrate, this is the best halloween ever!' and people are like 'its halloween? we do this everyday. is this a parade? i thought i was in line for starbucks'. i love the west hollywood halloween parade, you know, the dressing up and wearing leather and assless chaps and stuff. it doesnt celebrate the grizzly part of halloween, i hate that. you know, people make their front lawn into a graveyard with zombies writhing on the ground. ugh. if i wanted to see a scary creature writhing on the ground, i'd throw david haselhoff a hamberger.'- jason segel he even helps out with the tweets
craig's monster mash
in celebration of halloween, craig ferguson organized and performed another one of his hilarious sing-alongs to open up the show! this time the song they performed was 'monster mash'. craig was dressed as an evil scientist ans the dancers and puppets played along. they even got geoff peterson in on the action- fitting considering he's a skeleton! it was very funny, as always.
10-28-10
+ 'with all the bruhaha about charlie sheen its almost possible to forget that halloween weekend is upon us', craig ferguson reminds, 'it starts at midnight thursday night because thats when the movie saw 3D opened. i've never seen any of these saw movies, or i should say i never saw saw. you know when the first one came out there were a bunch of those abbott and costello type things: 'i just saw saw' 'saw what?' 'saw saw' 'what'd you see?' 'i saw saw' 'shut up you fat drunk!' anyway, there have been seven of those movies. i remember when the first one came out back in 2004. oh, time flies when you are cutting your own foot off. i wont be seeing saw 3D, slasher movies are not my cup of tea, not in 3D anyway. if i wanted to see body parts come flying toward me, i'd rent a hotel room with charlie sheen. i want to talk about these saw movies though, horrible things happen to people in these movies, their limbs get twisted, their bodies get cut up, they get blasted in the face with toxic gasses. actually, thats the jackass movies. saw 3D is coming out just after jackass 3D. i'm sick of the 3D, those glasses are disgusting. you never know how many people have had them on their faces before you. they're just like the kardashians.'- michael caine sporting a great looking beard!
secretariat
ever since the disney movie came out, secretariat has become a running gag on 'the late late show with craig ferguson'. often times on the show there will be a doorbell that rings during the email and twitter segment, and recently that doorbell has meant the arrival of secretariat! not the horse itself, mind you, but two guys dressed up as a horse! when he comes in craig jumps out of his seat and dances along with the special secretariat music! some episodes we wont see the horse at all, but other times he comes out 3 or 4 times! i'm sure craig's enjoyment of it will wane, but for now- enjoy the dance!
10-27-10
+ 'everyone is still talking about america's sweetheart charlie sheen', craig ferguson states, 'there's new details surfaced. charlie was found naked in a trashed hotel room. according to authorities it was a party that got out of control. his feet were all cut up and there was a hooker locked in the closet. now, i dont know what happened, but one thing is clear: that was an awesome party! my hats off to you, mr. sheen! my clients dont usually have a closet for me to hide in. how does that actually work? like how do you go to sleep that night 'ah, ive got to get some sleep, what a wild party that was! now, did i cut my feet? did i put the hooker in the closet? i better double check...'.'10-26-10
+ in the opening bit danny devito tries to convince craig ferguson to help him sell horse meat from the trunk of his car...+ 'theres a new book in stores today', craig shares, 'if you are too young to know what a book is, its like a long papery blog. the book is called 'life', its the autobiography of keith richards. now, if you are too young to know keith richerds, think of a jonas brother with more life experience, heroin, and talent. now, i downloaded it to my kindle, and now my kindle needs to go to rehab, where it awaits the arrival of charlie sheen. i havent read keiths book, but i'm very curious about it. aparently he says he has a secret longing to be a librarian. i think he just got confused and misspelled lesbian. people think that keith is drugged out, but he's not. keith quit cocaine in 2006 after he fell out of a tree. i can sympathize, i quit acid in the 11980's after being attacked by an imaginary duck. now, i cant condone cocaine, unless you are using it to stay up late to watch this show. actually, that would be a depressing waiste of cocaine. cbs cares. the book was culled from keith richards private letters and diaries. its hard to imagine keith richards keeping a diary: 'dear diary, does mick jagger like me? or like me like me?'.'
10-25-10
+ 'it was a very big weekend at the box office', craig ferguson shares, 'paranormal activity 2 comes out and critics say its the scariest thing you will see all year, unless you get a text from brett favre... paranormal activity in your pants! there is more bad news for brett favre, he's got a swollen ankle from the game last night and it turns out that its broken. the doctors wanted to take x-rays, but bretts wife wont allow any pictures below the waist, so... i will warn you though, if you want to know more about this story, be careful if you google the words 'brett favre' and 'swollen'.
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