+ 'its a great day for all 4500 passengers of the carnival cruise ship', craig ferguson informs, 'its finally home today. they were stranded in the pacific ocean since monday. it was only supposed to be a three hour tour. the passengers thought they were going on a luxury cruise to the mexican riviera. a few hours into the voyage the power went out, they were left with no electricity, no food, no working bathrooms. it was like spending a week with randy quaid. anyway the cruise ship was towed back in to san diego today. and then the passengers, they gave them a full refund and a free ticket for another cruise! thats like getting food poisoning at a restaurant and then having the waiter ask if you want a doggie bag! when the power went out all the food on the ship spoiled and then the navy had to send in food. it was flown in by the crew of the uss ronald regan, and then later the crew of the uss bill clinton flew in jello shots and cigars. 'you dont have to smoke em'. ive always wanted to be a captain on one of these cruises, id wear my little captains had and talk like a pirate 'its happy hour right now at the barrr'. the only downside of being the captain of a ship is that you are expected to go down with it if it sinks. unless your the captain of a gay cruise, then sinking isnt a requirement for going down...'

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