1-29-10

+ 'there a big movie opening today that i'm very excited about', craig ferguson says, 'cause kristen bell is in it, and we love kristen bell on this show. its called 'when in rome', its a romantic comedy about a woman who goes to rome and... i dont know, solves crimes or something... the phrase the movie name comes from, 'when in rome' is short hand for 'when in rome, do as the romans do'. but i dont know if that means ancient romans or contemporary romans, cause they are very different. contemporary romans live in rome, they wear suits, they say 'whats a come and a go?' and 'tootsie fruitsie icea cream'. ancient romans wore sheets and went to orgies...'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: zanahoria- carrot!
- jon heder
> dana eagle
= corinne bailey rea

1-28-10

+ rosie o'donnell lipsyncs 'addicted to love', while craig and his regulars are dressed in black dresses and red lipstick!
+ 'its a very sad day today for american literature', craig ferguson shares, 'the legendary author j.d. salinger died today at the age of 91. well, he was 91, it terribly sad, but he was 91. he was best known for 'the catcher in the rye'.' at which point a member of the audience claps. 'he cant hear you. look, even when he was alive, i happened to know that he never watched this show... catcher in the rye was the first part of salinger's famous trilogy: 'catcher in the rye', 'shortstop in the rye', and 'catcher in the rye 3: rye harder'. no, no. there is no sequel to 'catcher in the rye'! it sold 65 million copies, but salinger did not want to exploit it for profit, and i respect his refusal to let his work get over commercialized. it reminds me of my autobiography 'american on purpose', which is available at bookstores nation wide... or my other book, 'between the bridge and the river' available at fine bookstores. i wont have that one over commercialized either...'
- rosie o'donnell
= wilco

1-27-10

+ craig mixes it up a bit and starts off with the guests instead of the monologue.

- eddie izzard

+ 'what we would like to celebrate tonight is the birthday of one of the greatest musicians to ever live. wolfgang amadeus mozart. its his birthday today. no please, do not applaud, he cannot hear you, he's dead. 'mozart's dead?!?' yes, but if he were alive today he would be saying 'get me out of ze coffin- i'm alive!' mozart is, of course, from austria and his birthday is a big deal over there. they are always trumpeting the fact that mozart is from there. i think that they try to do is take your mind off of any other very famous austrians... he wrote over 600 pieces of classical music, best know for his master work 'rock me, amadeus'. somepeople prefer bethoven over mozart, i like all the greats, mozart, bethoven, lady gaga...'.

-> myron mixon

1-26-10

+ 'today governor schwarzenegger proposed that we open prisons in mexico', craig ferguson informs, 'its to house the overflow of california inmates. i know! its better than his last idea though, to sent a robot from the future to grope them. 'vy not? it vill verk!' sending prisoners to another country is not a new idea though, australia was a founded by criminals who were deported from england. they werent necessarily bad people. in victorian england you could be thrown in prison for just annoying an aristocrat. 'i say, how can i possibly count my money? that peasant's stomach is growling. all right, off you go!'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: cuchara- spoon!

- 50 cent

- adrianne palicki

1-25-10

+ craig ferguson mixes things up a bit and starts off with the 'what did we learn on the show tonight, craig?' bit.

+ 'the people up in canada are very nice', craig ferguson shares, 'but the animals in canada are bastards. now here's something you probably wont hear on the discovery channel, but polar bears are douche bags. its true! in northern canada the polar bears are jerks, the polar bears, this is true, is one of the few animals that will hunt you down for fun! i saw one following me the whole time i was in canada, sitting a few rows behind me on the airplane trying to look incognito in a hat and a magazine. i dont know what he was reading, i think it was 'bear's life'. once they start following you, you cant get rid of them!'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: oso- bear!

- carl reiner

- alicia witt

+ at the end of the show craig welcomes us all and says 'stay tuned for the rest of the show!' weird...

jersey shore: the movie

craig ferguson shows a funny spoof of 'jersey shore', claiming that they are releasing a 'jersey shore' movie! the preview says the film is rated I for idiotic, and features 'extreme mookishness, pickles, nudity, and ham'. there are even a few famous people stepping in to make fun of the people on the real show- mila kunis as snooki, tom lennon as 'the situation', nick lachey as ronnie, and even video game great mario, makes an appearance! very funny!

1-22-10

+ tonight is mythbusters night! 'mythbusters is about more than just busting myths', craig ferguson reminds us, 'its also about blowing stuff up! the mythbusters take popular myths and prove whether they are real or not. most modern myths are started by movies, actually. by hollywood movies. for instance, one episode of mythbusters they proved that shooting a car's gas tank does not make it explode. ah ha! makes you wonder what other lies are in the movie tango and cash!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: flatulencia- flatulence!
# tory belleci
# grant imahara
# kari byron
= hot rats

1-21-10

+ craig starts off with a sketch of 'jersey shore: the movie"- very funny!
+ 'its a great day for american television', craig ferguson exclaims, 'tonight is the season finale of the award winning pbs documentary series 'jersey shore'. its not on pbs, its on mtv. wasnt it great, though? i didnt watch it, i cant afford cable. jersey shore is huge, its the most popular tv show in mtv history, even more popular than bevis and butthead. now, if you havent seen jersey shore, its basically 'the real world', but with italian americans who spend a lot of time in tanning booths, putting on hair gel. one of the guys says 'being italian is all about family, friends, tanning, and gel.' i dont think all italians americans would agree with that. the characters of jersey shore call each other guidos and guidettes. one guy says 'my abs are so ripped up they are called the situation'? he gave his abs a nickname because his abs are so awesome they are a situation? i think the situation he needs it to get himself to a damn dictionary!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: basura- garbage!
- adam goldberg
- abbie cornish

1-20-10

+ 'i was talking to the audience before hand, because i was talking about canadians', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm going to see some canadians this weekend and i'm very excited. i enjoy the company of canadians, which is lucky cause they live right on the border. so anyway, i was explaining to some members of the audience that canadians are shy, and i said 'you know, like an octopus'. appearently people dont know that octopuses are shy. but they are. you know why? ever seen one at a party? no. i rest my case. i know what you are thinking, but they do get invited. 'we will have to invite your sister, and your sisters husband even though he's a jerk. what about that lovely octopus we met when we were on holiday' 'should we?' 'yeh, lets invite him!' the mail goes through, invitation arrives somewhat soggy at the octopuses cave, the octopus opens the envelope- with ease!- and the octopus goes 'oh, how lovely to hear from those lovely people i met on holiday last year. oh, they've invited me to a party! no... i'm shy. like canadians'.'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: travesti- transvestite!
- keri russell
> jake johannsen

1-19-10

+ craig ferguson plays some outtakes of morgan freeman's recording the opening for cbs news. very funny!
+ 'have you seen the avatar movie? it looks like its going to pass by titanic as the most successful movie of all time. and i'm like 'uh oh!' cause i still havent seen it! i know what your thinking 'but craig, thats a massive pop culture phenomenon you've completely ignored!' damn right there is! right there i ignored it, i zig when you zag, bitches! i just called you bitches, i'm so sorry... one of the reasons avatar has made so much money is because 3D tickets are more expensive. i think the studios should think about a sliding scale for movie tickets. for a good movie, like avatar, thats ok, i dont mind paying a bit extra. for an ok movie, charge a little bit less, and for a terrible movie, the studio pays you. i think it will work! the theater has a shady guy outside asking 'have you heard about the morgans?' (hands over a couple bucks) 'how about now? you hear about them now?'!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: bigote- mustache!
- alan alda
- anna kendrick

1-18-10

+ 'a lot of people in l.a. are very upset about what happened yesterday', craig ferguson shares, 'the golden globe awards got rained on. do you watch the golden globe awards? no, i dont either. anyway, the golden globes, if you dont know, is an awards show that i will never be at. its also an awards show thats put on by the hollywood foreign press association, basically its 100 people who work for a prestigious news organizations like the amsterdam penny saver, or the beriln newsenpoopen. they have this big award show, usually they put big tents over the red carpet, but yesterday they decided to save money and not put up tents- and it was not pretty! the celebrities make up was all washed off, revealing their true age, many of them. turns out dakota fanning is 45- shes just a cute little person! i suspected it when i saw her in that funny car. some celebs actually melted in the rain. the cast of desperate housewives had to hide under kim kardashians ass. it was terrible!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: hamburguesa- hamburger!
- marion cotillard
= steve jones from the sex pistols talk and sing

1-15-10

+ 'there's a new movie opening today that looks pretty good', craig ferguson shares, 'its called 'the spy next door', it stars jackie chan. you dont really need to know what a movies about if jackie chan is in it, if jackie chan is in a movie its probably got fighting in it. you wont see jackie chan wasting time in a stuffy english drama. the spy next door is an action comedy. belly laughs mixed with extreme violence- thats entertainment right there. usually destruction doesnt mix well with violence, just look at nbc's late night lineup. anyway, in the movie jackie chan babysits his girlfriends children, teaching them important lessons: stay in school, eat your vegetables, the best way to kill a man is with a full diaper. its not that difficult. the toughest part is filling the diaper...'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: hongo- mushroom!

- tom lennon

- shiri appleby

= luke bryan

1-14-10

+ 'i'm talking about fashion tonight', craig ferguson discusses, 'because tonight marks the return of one of my favorite shows on tv, project runway. its back in its original home, new york city. last season it was in l.a., and frankly a show about fashion does not work in l.a. people in l.a. dont want to fashionable, they want to look like they just got home from the gym. they wear work out clothes, they listen to the jonas brothers on thier ipods... maybe thats just me. what can i tell you, i love spandex. i do, i feels so good on me. spandex makes me feel young! it pushes it all back to where it used to be! why dont they make spankz for me?!? anyway, i'm glad that project runway is back in new york city because new york city is the capital of american fashion. when you take a new york fixture and you put it in l.a. if flounders. it would be like taking andy warhol from the new york art scene and putting him on the beach. putting a fashion show in l.a. is ridiculous, its like putting jay leno in primetime- it just doesnt work! you know what l.a. fashion is? its boobies. theres nothing wrong with that, i enjoy them immensely. new york fashion is about no boobies. see, new york fashion models cant have boobies, it would throw them off when they do that walk, you cant have everything moving around! new york fashion is all about shoulders and necks and turning these young women into giraffes.'

- julie andrews

- amber valletta

= vampire weekend

+ craig's spanish word of the day: cacahuete- peanut!

1-13-10

+ 'i feel vulnerable this evening', craig ferguson confesses, 'its all this late night stuff, its working away at me. its like i had onions. havent i ever told you about that? onions dont agree with me at all. and i'm not talking about in an existentialist way, its not like i go into the kitchen and say 'hmm, is there a god?' and the onions are like 'dont be absurd'. its not like that. they dont argue with me in that regard, they just dont agree with me. when i eat onions they cause me to feel upset down below. and this whole late night thing is doing the same thing. everyone is all fighting, i hate it when mom and dad are fighting and i dont know what to do. and then i got all frightened cause i was watching dave earlier on, and he just introduced me now, cause we're live, and he said 'i think its craig ferguson next' and i'm like 'what do you know?!? dave, i've always been loyal to you!' anyway, not to worry. i mean, i loose this job i can always get something better. lets be honest. there are fast food chains that are dying for a young wipper snapper like me. i know how this is going to end up, with me selling used cars on regional television. 'come down to our store where we are having a massive sale on cars that advertise on cbs!'. awe man, it makes me feel bad, i wish i was in a more stable profession... actually, i just lied to you- i'm loving this shit!'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: tortuga- turtle!

- richard lewis

conan leaves the tonight show

with all this craziness going on with the late night problems at nbc between jay and conan, its important to keep one thing clear. it doesnt matter if you are on team jay, or team conan, because the best late night show is 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!!!
just remember: i'm with craig!

1-12-10

+ 'i have some news', craig ferguson admits, 'i would like to announce that i am retiring. i just have to say that i refuse to go on after jay leno. like everyone else... of course the big news in tv today is conan o'brian, in a written statement, that he will not do the tonight show after jay leno, which means he quit. i think. but he also said that he wants the tonight show the best it can be, which means he didnt quit. i think. i have no idea, but i'm sure the lawyers will figure it out. because thats the best way for two parties who cant agree on anything to work things out- get some lawyers in there! get it all worked out, it worked for my first two marriages- it worked for the lawyers anyway...' 'we've got to take a break. i'm frightened to take a commerical break cause i dont know if my job will be here when i get back. i suppose i better than. look, if i take a break and you come back and its jay leno, you'll know what happened.'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: sobaco- armpit!
- carey mulligan
> paula poundstone

craig's spanish word of the day

at the beginning of the year craig ferguson made a new years resolution: he will learn the spanish language! now, i have my doubts about it, but he promised that by the end of the year he will be doing a whole show in spanish! good luck...
one of the segments that he has done since then is the 'craig's spanish word of the day' where one spanish word is defined. after its definition is given, craig tries to use it in a sentence, often to hilarious effect!
good luck reaching your goal, craig, you will need it!

1-11-10

+ 'now if you havent heard the news about the late night war thing, then congratulations, you have a life.' craig ferguson says, 'apparently jay leno is going back to 11:30. its not a smooth transition though, a lot of feeling are getting hurt. now, i like jay and conan, i honestly feel for them both. you know the world is on its ass when dave and i are the stable ones! it was really awkward this weekend at the late night club house. you know we all live together in a big house? its like jersey shore. i share a room with jimmy fallon. he's farty, but its ok cause he's on the bottom bunk. david letterman is the king of the household, he has his own room. no one knows what goes on in there except his lawyers and the fbi... its my last show everybody! the nbc wing is very confusing: jay leno used to have his own room, but now he shares with conan. carson daly doesnt get his own room, he just sits in the corner going 'trl, trl, trl...'. now, i know most people dont care about late night tv, and i dont blame them. before i got this job i didnt give a rats ass about late night tv. even now i dont give a rats ass! i think thats perfectly evident by the quality of this show! the media has been going nuts on this thing though. what i'm saying i think is, its a bunch of middle aged white guys fighting over who gets x number of millions of dollars, who gives a fuck?'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: albondiga- meatball

- mila kunis

= nellie mckay

1-08-10

+ craig ferguson starts off the show with a funny bit with jason segel and his pee pee.

+ 'there's two big birthdays in the world of music today', craig ferguson shares, 'david bowie is 63 today, ziggy stardust still looks good, i hope i look that good when im 63. i'll probably look like a stained old sofa when i'm 63. its also the kings birthday, elvis presley, he would have been 75 today. elvis and david bowie are very different though, one of them was a music legend who was wacked out on drugs and wore sparkly jumpsuits... actually, they are pretty similar if you think about it. anyway, david bowie has always been surrounded by rumors that he was gay, now the gay rumors started with a misunderstanding because he did an interview with a british journalist who got the impression he was gay. i dont know why, it might have been the part of the interview when david bowie said 'i'm gay'. then a few years later david bowie's ex wife said she caught him in bed with mick jager, which i dont believe, i dont see mick jager as someone who swings both ways... i miss the day when rock stars were known for decadent sexual behavior, now if you want to see that sort of thing, you have to watch golf. rock and roll used to be unpredictable and rebellious, now most rock stars are just corporate monkeys dancing for pennies thrown by the man. and thats my thing, so knock it off, you bastards!'

- jason segel he and craig have so much fun, he ends up staying for the whole show!

1-07-10

+ "the consumer electronics show is this weekend', craig ferguson informs us, 'when it comes to electronics, i'm something of a luddite. do you know what luddites are? luddites are british people in the early 19th century who protested against the industrial revolution, they felt technology was ruining their lives. they were textile workers, so they thought the weaving loom was the work of the devil. they were like 'we dont like the weaving loom, its the work of the devil! we like things the way they are, you know, expensive old fashioned way of making pants, the black death, taxation without repesentation- thats one of our favorites.' they thought the weaving loom was satan's work. because everybody knows, satan loves quality trousers.'
> steven wright
- michelle monaghan

1-06-10

+ 'now, yesterday i spent the whole monologue talking about crabs', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the kind that live in the sea because there was a new species of crab discovered. anyway, today there is even more exciting news from the sea that i want to talk about. i guess that makes this 'sea week' on the show. keep in mind, sea week might not go past tonight though... earlier today there was trouble on the high seas. now, what was the trouble? i hear you ask. was it sharks? was it pirates? no, whale hunters. they rammed their ship right into some anti whaling protesters. actually, i support all those environmental groups like green peace, but nothing makes those guys angrier than whaling. except maybe if you take their weed. i'm glad people are out there fighting for animal rights. they disrupt the whaling, they fight the elephant poachers, they fight for the right for dogs to play poker. now, the protesters had to be evacuated to another boat called, and i'm not kidding, the 'bob barker'. they were thinking about updating the boat and calling it the 'drew carrey', but they would need a bigger boat. take that, old friend! apparently what happened is that bob barker donated money to this protesting group and they named the boat after him. i think that's why they named the boat after him, that what they say, but i think they named it after him is because it's old and leaky. i'm kidding, i love bob barker. last time i had him on he tried to have me spade and neutered. the whaling boat is from japan, they hunt more whales than anyone else. shouldnt they be hunting godzilla? a whale isn't going to destroy tokyo, godzilla is!'
- ray romano
= herb alpert

marshmallow gun

recently craig ferguson got a new toy! during one of the segments of 'the late late show with craig ferguson' he pulled out a little marshmallow gun! its a little gun made of pvc pipes that he put little marshmallows in, pointed it at the audience, then blew through the hole- out pops a marshmallow! as he was first playing with it he jokingly asked the director why he had it: 'is this so i am more appealing to a younger demographic?!?' yup, it sure is! if he plays with this all the time, it reminds me of rosie o'donnell and her koosh balls! oh, maybe there's an endorsement deal in the works here!!!

1-05-10

+ 'today is a great day if you are a fan of crabs', craig ferguson announces, 'its true, and who isnt a fan of crabs? if you have tuned in tonight to hear the latest crab news, then tonights your lucky night! because scientists have discovered a brand new species of crab, its called the strawberry crab. why? i'll tell you why: because it looks like a strawberry. isnt that adorable? and its tasty i imagine as well. i'd rather have a case of strawberries than a case of crabs. but you can get either at a road side stand for ten bucks. i learned that the hard way. anyway, the scientists found the crab of the coast of taiwan, i think they heard it call or something 'come to me, i look like a delicious fruit!' same thing i call every night 'come to me, i look like a delicious fruit!' but the strawberry crab may be cute, but he's still a crab. and i dont like crabs. i'll tell you why: i dont like anything that walks sideways. i dont like crabs, ancient egyptians, and lawyers. alright, thats a bit harsh, i didnt mean to offend the ancient egyptians.

+ craig got a marshmallow gun to shoot at the audience.

+ craig calls kathy griffin to see how her CNN new years eve gig went.

- patricia heaton

= yonder mountain string band

1-04-10

+ 'we are back! today is the start of our sixth season,' craig ferguson exclaims, 'five years yesterday we were on the air. thats 4.9 years longer than anyone thought we were gunna last. thats absolutely true. i havent received any anniversary gifts yet, traditionally, on the sixth anniversary you are supposed to give wood. i have been waiting 5 years to do that joke! anyway, this year i promise you clever jokes, whity insights, topical humor. but only if you are watching HBO, cause here at CBS, same old crap.'

+ as a part of the new years, craig makes a resolution that he is going to try and learn spanish! he says that by the end of the year he will do a show entirely in spanish. i dont think he really thought this one out very well...

- rosie perez

= switchfoot

12-23-09

+ 'at my house, christmas is at a fever pitch', craig ferguson shares, 'my son is 8 and a half, so there is a lot of jumping up and down, looking for presents, crawling up the chimney- and my son is pretty excited too. he's at the age where he's starting to suspect that santa clause might not be what he appears, and i understand that. when i was his age i was suspicious too, i remember i used to leave refreshments for santa: cookies and whiskey. thats refreshments where i come from. we used to have that at half time at soccer games at school. 'alright children, come over for your cookies and whiskey!' 'ok, thank you!' anyway, we would leave cookies and whiskey out for santa. then the next morning i noticed my dad's breath smelled like whiskey and cookies. then i realized the awful truth: my dad had been making out with santa!'

+ an interview with tim meadows from the mall of america

- paris hilton

-> jose andres

12-22-09

+ 'its a great day for me because i just finished my christmas shopping', craig ferguson shares, 'i always finish my christmas shopping before christmas. i got up early to get to the mall, hours before dawn, it was brutal. me, arnold schwarzenegger, and sinbad all fighting for the same toy, we are all rolling around on the ground wrestling and pinching each other. then the stores open and we have to go get some things... you know what i do these days? a lot of people do this, they shop online. they say its quicker than shoping at the mall, but its not for me, because at the mall i cant be distracted by porn.'
+ a sean connery christmas memory
- kathy griffin
= harry connick jr.

12-21-09

+ 'i had a very busy weekend' craig ferguson tells, 'yes i did, i was out this weekend and i bought a christmas tree for my house. well, you know, for everyone in my house, not just for my house, its not like 'there you go, house, merry christmas'. now, when i was single i just had a drawing of a tree taped to the fridge, that and mistletoe underwear. but now that i'm married, i have a big domesticated christmas with the christmas tree. we went to the parking lot tree sales. here in l.a. you can buy trees in the same parking lots that sold pumpkins last month. so in december they sell christmas trees, in november they sell pumpkins, and in the summer they sell crack! thats true! anyway, i put the tree up in the living room and my dog peed on it. now, i know what you are thinking, but he did not learn that from me!'

+ a sean connery holiday memory

+ betty white as a salvation army bell ringer

= renee fleming

> jim mcdonald

12-18-09

+ 'its a great weekend in hollywood, i'm very excited' craig ferguson admits, 'theres a big movie that opens today, i'm very excited about it, its one of the most anticipated movies of the year. expect long lines at the movie theaters all weekend. its avatar. you know, the science fiction one, with the planet with the blue people. they look like cats! that means it will be successful. people love cats! i dont know why. the play 'cats' ran on broadway for over 100 years. if the people who made avatar are smart, there will be scene in the film where a cat bursts into song with all the other cats who all sing along in cockney accents 'oh, i'm a big blue cat, me name is socks! and i left a present in me litter box!' ah, cockney singing cats, there isnt anything funnier than that! anyway, the avatar movie cost 300 million dollars to make. which doesnt mean its good, i havent seen it so i dont know. but you dont need 300 million dollars to make a good movie, all you need is a good script, good actors, and boobies. now that i think about it, you dont really need actors or a script...'

- dame judi dench

- michelle rodriguez