+ 'over in london the olympic torch is burning 24 hours a day, just like my genitals', craig ferguson jokes, 'dont worry, i'll press on...  did you see the opening ceremony tonight?  wasnt it fabulous?  i liked it when, um, something.  i dont know.  the opening ceremony kicks off the olympics with flair and it sets up the audience with expectations of a terriffic time.  its like what we do here, except the opposite.  i see its working this evening very well, too.  like everything else in britan, the opening ceremony tonight was judged by simon cowell.  'those fireworks were rubbish!  that torch isnt nearly as flaming as seacrest!'  anyway, here's what i think, the opening ceremonies are supposed to show the best of britain, right?  why didnt they just show an episode of downton abbey?  i'll be honest, i didnt watch the opening ceremony tonight cause i tivo'ed them.  dont tell me what happened, i'll get around to watching them... never.  well, my tivo is backlogged with episodes of house hunters international.'
- vince vaughn


+ vince vaughn stops by to watch craig do the pre monologue segment.
+ 'it is a big day on my calender, i know the audience members are all very excited about this as well', craig ferguson shares, 'it is the birthday, or course, of carl jung, the swiss psychoanalyst!  i celebrated jung's birthday today by integrating my conscious with my unconscious while still maintaining their respective autonomies.  how about you?  i know what you are thinking, you are thinking 'oh here we go again, another late night host with a crowd pleasing monologue about the the founding of psychology!'  carl jung is a legend in the world of psychology, his famous theories include the collective unconscious, the process of individuation, and his most famous: beer before liquor never sicker!  personally, i think therapy is fantastic. it combines two of my favorite things: talking about myself and lying down!'.
- emile hirsch
- ariel tweto


+ 'scientists in chile, this is true', criag ferguson states, 'have designed a molecule that wipes out cavities.  it destroys bacteria that causes cavities.  scientists are saying that they can put this molecule in toothpaste or even in food and then you will never lose a tooth unless you play hockey or crystal meth.  anyway, scientists have been working on this molecule for seven years and they've just started testing it on humans.  i love when scientists start testing things on humans, you think 'well what could possibly go wrong?'  well, i tell you what could go wrong: it could give rise to people with super human sized teeth, like julia roberts!  the new molecule could be on the market in the next couple years.  there are other ways to fight cavities, like eating healthy.  ha ha ha!  yeah right!  you know who needs those molecules?   britain!  they are not used to seeing healthy teeth.  i went back recently, this is true, and people thought i had plastic surgery done on my teeth!  people were like 'oh, look at you with your fancy capped teeth!'  they arent capped teeth, they are just brushed!  'oh, brushing your teeth, ya hollywood bastard?'  here in america people spend thousands and thousands of dollars to keep their teeth straight.  but i like to think that someday we will live in a world where we will accept gay teeth...'
- matthew mcconaughey
+ michael showalter reads from his new book mr. funny pants.

craig on who

the latest issue of entertainment weekly has a cover story about 'the cult of doctor who', which craig ferguson happens to be a big fan of.  in fact, matt smith, the current doctor who, had his first american television interview on the late late show with craig ferguson!  the article is about how doctor who has changed over the past few years from a small british tv show into a smash that continues to win over many american viewers.  in the article they talk with craig about his obvious love of the doctor:
'craig ferguson insists his who references on the late late show reflect less a desire to publicize the icon from the old country than an attempt to keep his own show fresh.  "i have to do a show that's interesting to me, because you'd lose your mind otherwise," says the scot, whose who viewing dates back to the late 60's.  "my show is about whatever the fuck i want to do.  if i want to dance around singing doctor who tunes, i'm going to do it!"'.
check out more about one of craig's favorite shows, and the rest of entertainment weekly's coverage, over at their website!


+ 'everyone is making sure they go home early', craig ferguson shares, 'because tonight is a very important night, nobody wanted to miss this, in the world of television: tonight was the finale of hgtv's design star!  have you seen the show?  its great!  interior designers fight to the death like gladiators.  its either to the death, or until they design a fabulous breakfast nook.  their motto is 'guts, glory, and glam!'  which is also the name of my testicles...  like anything else, interior design is subjective.  what you like i may hate, what i like you may hate.  the only difference is you would be wrong!  i decorated a room in my apartment from scratch, its amazing what you can do with imagination.  and 32 life size justin bieber posters!  anyway, the competition on design star can get pretty intense, every week they kick somebody out, but i guess they do that on all reality shows.  jeff probst on survivor says 'the tribe has spoken'.  i dont know what they say on design star, its probably something like 'get the feng shui out of here!'.'
- minnie driver
- colin mochrie


+ 'it is a great day for our friend over in britan.  they are called 'the british'. craig ferguson states, 'they won the tour de france!  the tour de france was won by bradley wiggins.  he is the first english man to triumph in france since henry the fifth opened a can of whoop ass and agincourt.  you are welcome five people...  in london today thousands of people drank and rioted, and then they heard about the tour de france!  i'd like to learn more about bicycling, i guess you'd say i'm 'bi-curious'.  come on, thats a great joke!  anyway, i am interested in any exercise that involves a lot of sitting down.  although, the real reason i dont do a lot of cycling is because it makes my junk numb.  however, i do know that when biking, your first task is safety.  you shouldnt take any chances, that why i wear a helmet up top and downstairs!  a lot of these professional bikers have a lot of problems with chaffing, you know, down below.  they use something called 'butt butter'.  thats what they call it.  butt butter, it prevents irritation down there, but man, does it taste awful on toast!'
- george hamilton
- julie gonzalo


+ 'hi everybody, good evening.' craig ferguson addresses from his desk.  'obviously the events of today would make it very difficult to broadcast a show tonight which began with the phrase 'its a great day for america'.  i dont know if you know this, our late night show, and in fact all late night shows are prerecorded. as chance would have it, the show you are about to see, tonights show, was recorded last night, before the terrible events in colorado.  and the monologue in that show was kind of about batman and the movie.  i felt that it was inappropriate to show that monologue tonight.  the rest of the show was fine and it was just our show, and i didnt want to pull the whole show off the air because i thought that would be unfair to our guests, and i didnt want to make a whole show about the events of colorado.  i'm sure there's been a lot of media coverage and there will be a lot more and i didnt want to add my rage and despair to everyone elses.  my job, i think here, is to give you a laugh or something interesting at the end of the day, maybe something to entertain you and is a bit silly.  there are times when that is very difficult to do.  i'm not going to try to make sense of it, i'm not going to try to blame anyone for what happened there.  how do you make sense of anything like that?  the difficulty in the job that i have sometimes if you have a show everyday, is to be topical but at the same time i try for the most part to ignore stories which are grizzly.  its not really my job, its being covered everywhere else.  but here tonight i cant ignore this one, but neither can i talk about it in front of an audience and the skeleton robot and all that.  that doesnt make sense either.  tonights show is what we try to do here, its a bit of fun, something easy before you go to sleep.  if you are watching in aurora, if you are in any way connected to this awful business: i'm sorry.  i'm sorry that that happened.  its just awful.  my thoughts and simpathies to al the people who were there.  i just remember that we are all diminished by this.'
- jason biggs
+ celebrity book readings.  jeff garlin reads from his book 'curbing it'.
- jordana brewster
brian scolaro


+ 'not a great day for a friend of this show, a great comedian and actor, fred willard', craig ferguson regrets to inform, 'he was arrested last night.  72 years old, fred is.  he was arrested last night in a porno theater with his trousers down.  i'm not the only creepy old man out there now!  i was shocked when i heard this, i was like 'there are still porn theaters?!? thats adorable!'  i wonder if they show retro porn, you know, like with extra hair!  well, is sounds like the dark knight isnt the only thing rising in the theaters, if you know what i mean...  i have to say, i am a huge fan of fred willard, i like fred personally as a man, and i think at 72 years old he is still watching porn and making the effort to get in his car and drive to the theater...  he was arrested in an adult theater giving himself an act of self massage perhaps.  and i'm like isnt that what you are supposed to do in an adult theater?  like, is there anyone from downton abbey going 'what are you doing?  i came here for the enjoyable popcorn and the gene se qua of the atmosphere.'  its a porn theater!  whats next? he'll get arrested for eating in a restaurant?  dont worry fred, i recently got busted for doing the same thing at a recent showing of magic mike.  we love you fred, no judgement here.  a little bit of mirth, some rib tickling, but no judgement here.'
- kenneth branagh
ted alexandro


+ 'its a great day for america if you like mashed potatoes', craig ferguson informs, 'well, who doesnt like mashed potatoes?  no one.  even al quida loves potatoes, they are like 'death to america, except idaho!  your tasty spuds melt my cold disdain for your western decadence!'  today a seven-11 store in singapore introduced a new food dispenser, an instant mashed potato dispenser.  i'm very excited about this!  i've been waiting for this my whole life!  you see, when i was a kid grown up in scotland, there were very popular commercials for an instant mashed potato product called smash.  its true, it was a powder that you added water to and you got mashed potatoes.  i thought it was the future!  the commercial was creepy robots who mocked humans for all the work they did to make mashed potatoes instead of just adding water.  and we have the actual commercial!  [craig then shows this commercial].  for mash get smash!  thats when jingles were jingles!  we've got our mashed potato machine now, so take that robots that used to scare the crap out of me!'
- ray romano
= trampled by turtles


+ 'its not such a great day over in england', craig ferguson explains, 'they are going nuts over in london!  or as they say over in england 'things are higledy bigledy over here!  everyone is going bonkers!'  londoners are finding out that its not so easy to prepare for the olympics, the city is gridlocked.  i used to live in london and the city is always gridlocked.  eight million people live in london, and they are expecting four more for the olympics.  four more million, not just four more people!  four people are coming to the olympics?  'oh, blimey!  its a disaster! only four people showed up!'  twelve million people are expected in london.  to give you an idea of how many people that is, take the number of people who watch this show and add 12 million!  the games havent even started yet and the traffic is terrible.  people say they havent seen this many rearenders since elton john's last party.'
- cedric the entertainer
- ari graynor


+ 'its a great day for the people of manhatten', criag ferguson states, 'manahatten today has been named new york's sexiest borough.  named by who?!?  anyway, theres two reasons: a. of all the bouroughs, manhatten has the hightest percentage of people who have downloaded '50 shades of grey'.  everybody's crazy about this book right now, its a very popular work of erotica.  its very important that you call it erotica, if women like it its called erotica, if men like it its called porn.  women like to read their porn, men like to see it.  the only time porn and erotica can be the same thing at the same time is when a man gets caught watching porn- no! its erotica!  the 50 shades of grey book is very racey, its about what the folks call bdsm.  it stands for bondage, discipline, scrotum and meatballs, i think.  you know, all that bondage stuff with the whips and the chains and the spankings, the purple nerpals, the reverse teletubies...  he fifty shades books are written by a british woman named e.l. james and right now she makes over a million dollars a week on these books.  so her safe word is 'ka-ching'!  she used to work as a tv executive, so she has a lot of experience in humiliating other people!'
- julie chen
- chris messina


+ 'its friday! a bunch of movies coming out this weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'the movie ted, its about the teddy bear that learned how to cuss, also magic mike, about a bunch of male strippers.  i dont need to see that, i lived that!  i danced under the name floaty powers.  i remember a bear named ted that enjoyed my work, actually.  also tyler perry's madea's witness protection opens and we have tyler perry on the show tonight!  tyler perry plays three roles in the movie, which is impressive and also economically very clever.  a lot of people say 'that tyler perry, he's a bit of a business man', you bet he is!  'lets see, who's in this movie?  me, i could do that too!  and i could give myself a salery for that one too!'  i think its impressive, most nights i can barely muster the energy to play with myself here.  ooh!  i mean play myself!'
- tyler perry


+ 'its a great day for president obama', craig ferguson states, 'his health care was upheld by the supreme court.  the president apparently had three speeches prepared this morning:  one if the law was overturned, one if it was upheld, and one if joe biden chewed up the other two.  the president is very cocky now, he released a statement today saying 'you know who this health care doesnt affect?  osama bin laden!'  and then he added 'yeah, i was born in kenya, so what?'.  the media went nuts this morning, all the different media outlets of course have their own point of view: msnbc went 'yeah!', at fox news all the conservatives were like 'grrrr', and bravo was like 'one more day till magic mike opens!'  you know that some people watching cnn were so shocked that they started rioting!  just kidding, no one watches cnn.  you know, one thing is for sure, now that health care is assured, i'm going to be frying everything i eat!  thats me, fried food and cigarettes!  i'm going to deep fry cigarettes and get all the goodness!'
- denis leary
= brandi carlile


uh oh!  looks like the lights are out again!
'i know what you are thinking: 'oh craig, it looks like an episode of twilight on your show tonight!' the lighting is sort of working but not working at the show tonight', craig ferguson explains, 'some electricity is getting in and other electricity is not getting in.  what happened was that there was we have got the power but it fused in our can. whatever that is.  i'm not kidding, there's like a dozen electricians working backstage.  we should bring out the electricians.  come on out!  rest assured that these gentlemen will do their best to fix our can and we will continue to do the show the best we can.  also, this answers another question: is cbs unionized?'
- lisa kudrow
# harvey weinstein