10-24-12

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson exclaims, 'i know what you are thinking 'craig, you are a human being of sorts, it cant be a great day for you every day'.  its not a great day for me.  i'm very upset.  so i think 'oh, today is my favorite day, the day that star magazine comes out'  so i rushed off to the newsstand and picked up the latest issue.  i'm going through it, i'm looking at the celebrities, and then i come to a page and i find this: i am having a feud with katie curic and i didnt even know about it!  it says 'abandoned by craig'  and there's katie looking all beautiful and lovely, which she is, and theres me looking like a bastard.  i'm like 'no katie, your loveliness will not be accepted by me because i'm a bastard!'  here's what it says: katie curic's daytime talk show is quickly making her the queen of the airwaves and has her fellow television host seeing green.  apparently i am very jealous of katie's ratings.  we are on at different times of day!  she's on during the day and i'm on in the middle of the fucking night!!!  oh, and here's a quote from a friend of mine: 'he's totally bitter and annoyed by her success'.  you know the weirdest thing about gossip?  katie's been trying to approach me, apparently.  i'm like 'where?'  it says craig's friends think that he and katie either dated at some point- i wish! or she has spurned his advances.  this is true. and then there's the quote 'there is no other explanation for his sour grapes'.  'craig is not interested in repairing their friendship  from 'a source'.  this is how insidious gossip is: i'm reading this and i'm like 'well, there's no smoke without fire'.  yes there is smoke without fire!  look, let me get this straight katie, i am interested in repairing our friendship!  except i never knew about this- now i dont know what to believe!  whats going on?!?'
- susan sarandon
* david benioff

10-23-12

+ 'today apple has unveiled another gadget', craig ferguson informs, 'its the ipad mini, which is like an ipod touch but smaller, or like an ipad but smaller.  the point is its awesome and amazing- you are a loser if you dont have one!  the ipad mini is only eight inches long.  i'm like 'apple, dont go around telling people that eight inches is a mini!'  it may be a mini to me, but i'm thinking of the self esteem of my brothers!  why not call the old one the ipad maxi.  oh wait...  dont you get the sense that apple are just taking the same material and putting it out in different shapes?  its like a clown with balloon animals- i feel like i'm getting played here!'
+ a special message from former president bill clinton
* dr. phil mcgraw
- hana mae lee

10-22-12

+ 'its not such a good day for lance armstrong', craig ferguson shares, 'stripped of all seven tour de france titles.  i thought maybe they would let him keep one.  awe, come on, let him keep just one!  anyway, everyone in this room should be proud.  congratulations, we have now all won as many tour de frances as lance armstrong...  you know the officials are saying that new tests show that a vile of lance armstrong's blood was more tainted than his bycicle seat.  anyway, armstrong today said that he doesnt have the energy to fight this decision but his lawyers said that will probably change after he's had a few more steroids!'
- bryan cranston
* dr. lisa masterson

10-19-12

+ 'i'm a little riled up', criag ferguson admits, 'i got a lot of flack.  you know what happened last night?  last night when i came out i was coming out to do the traditional late night monologue and i got a little bored, so i stopped and went to my desk.  and there have been meetings!  people are up set!  there have been tweets and email coming in all day long!  people are going nuts about this.  and i'm like 'why? its all right, just be chillin!'  do you know what?  i'm a little bored of doing the monologue again tonight.  i'll go over and do it again!'  craig then goes to his desk and runs right into the tweets and emails segment.  he's goin' crazy!
- chelsea handler
> nina conti
= allen stone

10-18-12

+ 'its day three of the rotterdam investigations into the hundred million dollar art heist ' craig ferguson states, 'its the big story that no one else on television is covering.  'why are you covering it, craig?'  because its free! authorities are saying it was a smash and grab robbery rather than the work of professionals.  so basically it was the opposite of that heist movie 'entrapment'.  you know, the one where sean connery trains catherine zeta jones and she maneuvers through the lasers and connery is like 'almosht, but you triped the shylent alarm in my troushers.  i mean of courshe my erecshon.  come over here and disharm it.'  anyway, the big art heist has forced me to take extra precautions with my art collection.  i now have an armed guard watching my posters of cats dressed like victorian english ladies.  i wouldnt want anyone stealing my 'downton tabbies'!'
- kelsey grammer
- casey wilson
> ben hague

10-17-12

+ 'of course everyone is still talking about last night's presidential debate',  craig ferguson states, 'i'm not though, you know how i feel about it: the same way as you, viewer.  by this time of night everyone on tv has said everything there is to say, there's no political commentary here.  if you are tuning in to the show for political commentary, you dont deserve any.  you deserve an immigrant  a gay robot, and a horse, and thats what you are going to get!  thats right, tonight you are getting lucky!  watching this show for political commentary would be like watching nightline for the fart jokes, or watching bravo to learn about sports.  it would be like going to amanda bynes for driving lessons, its like going to larry king for marital advice.  all i'm saying is that coming here for political commentary isnt a good idea.  and to be honest, i didnt even watch the debates.  i dont want 'information' getting in the way of my strategy, and thats to vote for the candidate with the prettiest eyes!'
+ a special message from former president bill clinton
# carson kressley
# kay adams
+ what did we learn on the show tonight, prince charles and steve jones from the sex pistols?

10-16-12

+ 'the big story out of europe today', craig ferguson leads, 'was the art heist out of roterdam.  the theft took place at an art museum, it was a very big heist.  experts say that its the biggest heist since someone took obama's balls during the first debate.  the dutch police arent sure if the thieves were professionals because they got away with paintings by matisse and monet, but they didnt take anything by salvador dali.  right now the police are searching for the paintings all over the netherlands, inside homes, on top of buildings, tucked between dykes...  anyway, i was sad to hear that the paintings are still missing, the museum will be empty.  how will i pass the time when i visit the netherlands?!?  youre right, drugs and hookers...  in a way though, youve got to hand it to these thieves.  its not easy sneaking up and stealing stuff in the netherlands, usually your wooden shoes give you away!'
- lauren graham
* james patterson
= michael kiwanuka

10-15-12

+ 'it was a big weekend for felix baumgartner, the austrian daredevil who broke the world record for skydiving', craig ferguson shares, 'he jumped off a balloon 24 miles high and then fell to the earth so fast he broke the sound barrier.  thats fast!  how fast is that?  faster than president obama's poll numbers after the debate, fell faster than bill clinton's pants at a strip club, fell faster than madonna's boobies when she takes off her top!  i've got another one: faster than my balls- i'm old!  the footage of his jump is amazing, really.  at one point he starts spinning uncontrollably- like me during the 1980's but with less vomit!  i saw him wearing the elaborate space suit with all the cushions and the padding and i thought 'you see arnold schwarzenegger, some austrians do use protection!'  here's what i think is amazing: baumgartner landed completely upright on his feet- thats impressive, i can barely do that when i get out of bed!'
- jeff goldblum
- sarah paulson

10-05-12

+ 'its friday of course, everybody', craig ferguson states, 'and a big weekend at the box office.  taken 2 is opening this weekend and i am so excited!  i loved the first one, liam neeson has this great line in the first movie.  he's talking to the bad guys and he goes 'i have a very unique set of skills.  i will find you, and i will kill you.'  its a good thing he played a killer trained by the cia.  the movie wouldnt have been any good if he said 'i have a unique set of skills.  i will find you, and i will repair your washing mashine'.  i love that movie!  my favorite line in the movie is he is trying to convince his ex-wive's new husband stuart to help find his daughter.  this stuart jerk isnt helping. and he says, i'll paraphrase it, but he says 'now is not the time for penis measuring, stuart'.  now, this to me, raises a very important question:  is there every an appropriate time where you go 'you know, now would be a good time for a penis measuring contest'.'
* dr. sanjay gupta
- ginnifer goodwin

10-04-12

+ 'tonight's season premiere of 'jersey shore' was bitter sweet', criag ferguson explains, 'cause its the last one.  mtv says they are ending the show to give the cast members a rest, which is code for 'we are getting our asses kicked by honey boo boo.  let this be a lesson to you, hit tv shows, there is always a younger crappier show ready to take your place.  i'm going to miss the jersey shore kids, what are their names again?  there's ronnie, sammy, vinnie, dickie, sparky, sneezy, dopey, pee pee, tito, and regis.  they all looked so young and cuddly in season one, but you have to admit they are starting to show their age.  it hasnt always been easy going for the jersey shore, some italian american groups were protesting it.  they were saying that the show reinforces negative cultural stereotypes about itailan americans.  their exact words were 'mama mia!  these-a jersey shores are a spicy meatballs!'  anyway, nothing against these jersey shore kids, but i cant believe that show lasted as long as they did.  six seasons, thats longer than the wire was on tv.  thats twice as long as the original star trek.  six seasons, thats six seasons longer than anything on the new nbc schedule- thats terrible! then again, this show is in year eight? nine?  the critics of this show said that we would run out of steam after the first year.  they were absolutely right, of course...'
- roseanne barr
- keke parlmer

10-03-12

+ 'everyone, of course, is talking about the presidential debate earlier on tonight', craig ferguson states, 'i watched it and wow, my goodness.  i watched it in denver tonight, and wasnt it great?  i liked the part where romney was like 'yeah, tax cuts!'  and obama was like 'boo rich people' and clinton was like 'which one of you needs a wingman for after the debate?'.  personally i think this debate was an instant classic.  people are already calling it 'the full throttle in colorado', 'the talkie in the rockies', the 'ooh, that stings in colorado springs'.  the host of the debate is jim leher, that dude from pbs.  for some reason they chose this dude over elmo.  personally i think they would have been better with elmo.  'elmo wants to know when we will bomb canada'.  anyway, some people always complain that the debate moderators are always asking 'gotcha' questions, but i dont think they are gotcha enough.  i think the candidate should be more surprised   you should lull the candidate into a false sense of security and then pounce.  like you say 'mr. romney, you say you support tax cuts for the middle class, but... team edward or team jacob?  answer the question!'  like that!'
+ a special message from former president bill clinton.
- keanu reeves
* dan riskin

10-02-12

+ 'its a great day if you like the twilight movies', craig ferguson states, 'oh, i do!  who doesnt like twilight?  even al quida loves twilight.  'team edward or team jacob?  i dont know!'  anyway, they released a new poster of the next twilight movie.  it looks like they are running a race or something.  i'll bet bella wins because she cheats...  hey!  that was a real joke there!'
- mindy kaling
> carrot top

10-01-12

+ 'arnold schwarzenegger is doing publicity because his book 'total recall' is coming out today', craig ferguson shares, 'i've read it already, of course, and arnold's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife.  that is why it is a million pages long.  i cant believe he managed to keep so many secrets, people believed his lies, even though, lets be fair, he is the worst actor of his generation!  but i dont like to think of arnold as just a terrible actor, he was also a terrible governor, and he was the creator of a terrible restaurant chain!  do you remember planet hollywood?  you get the movie themed meals, it was 'silence of the lamb chops', 'the good, the bad, and the baked potato', 'edward sausage hands'.  anyway, it doesnt matter what you think of arnold schwarzenegger, you have to admit he has lived a fascinating life: bodybuilder, actor, politician.  he has done so many things its easier to list the things he hasnt done: wear a condom!'
+ an excerpt from arnold schwarzenegger.  a brief sketch where an arnold impersonator reads fake excerpts from his autobiography.
- ethan hawk
> lynyrd skynyrd

9-28-12

+ 'here in l.a. everyone is in panic mode', craig ferguson shares, 'were are all kind of 'ahhh!'  because its carmageddon 2 this weekend!  yeah, no one gives a rats ass.  for those of you who dont live in l.a., first of all, congratulations, and secondly, let me explain to you what carmageddon is.  its what the local media is calling this weekend because one of our main freeways is being shut down for a few days.  yes- carmageddon!  the result of this phenomenon is really bad traffic.  we are all being advised to stay home, not to drive.  the entire population of l.a. is being treated like amanda bynes.  i have to drive this weekend!  if i cant drive i have to walk to my weekend job, and i hate that.  i'm not going to walk five miles in stripper heals!  the goldfish will die!  the freeway thats closing here in l.a. is the 405.  its the main freeway of the city.  its getting some work done.  sooner or later everyone on l.a. takes some time off to 'get some work done'...'
- michael c hall
- martha plimpton

a bill clinton message

it looks like craig ferguson has added a new impression to his repertoire: bill clinton.  craig regularly plays sean connery, michael caine, and prince charles, but he recently began adding an impression of clinton in his new segment called 'a special message from former president bill clinton' where craig, with a beauty on each arm, makes some political statements that are heavy on the double (or not so double) entendres.  wearing a grey wig, craig as clinton states 'in our current partisan atmosphere, i think we can all agree on one thing:  brunettes can be every bit as hot as blondes.  but its the red heads that take it all the way up to defcon freaky!'