+ 'its friday the 13th. oooh!', says craig ferguson, 'a couple big movies opening today, eat pray love is one. it stars julia roberts. its a chick flick in which julia plays a modern woman on a journey of self discovery. i can relate to that, i went on a journey of self discovery once, i was about 13 years old... i was up in my bedroom... what i discovered changed my life forever! i'm talking about masturbation is what i'm saying. i'm not sure i could handle eat pray love, its too scary. i'm not kidding, even on friday the 13th, cause its a movie about eating starring julia roberts. now, julia roberts is a lovely woman, a great actress, but she has over 900 teeth! its true! when you feed her you have to keep your hand open- just ask her personal chef nubby!'
+ 'today is a great day if you like music', craig ferguson shares, 'and who doesnt like music? well, al quida of course. 'i declare jihad on all forms of decadent western music, except of course for justin bieber'. i'll tell you why i got on to this: today is a very important day in a musical sense cause it was in this day in 1887 that thomas edison invented the phonograph, or record player. record players is how people used to listen to music back when music wasnt all sucky! i know what you are thinking, 'oh here we go, another middle aged white guy yammering on about how everything was better in the old days'. well, you are right, everything was better in the old days, you bastards. the music was better, the air was cleaner, i didnt have to use my feet to pick up my balls! when i take a shower its like playing hacky sack in the rain! thats right, applaud the advancing reaper, why dont you! anyway, edison came up with the idea of the recorded sound and giving it to the masses, and everyone should be happy for that, except of course for mel gibson. when edison invented the record player, this is true, he was partially deaf. which is amazing if you think of it. that would be like a super model inventing bacon! that would be like dick chaney inventing a cuddly toy, it would be like matthew mcconahoney inventing a line of shirts, or like micheal vick opening a doggy day care center! ok, thats enough...'
+ 'its a great day if you like the wrestling', craig ferguson shares, 'its hulk hogan's birthday today, happy birthday hulk hogan. he's 57 years old today, he's getting up there but he was wrestling last year! he put on an amazing performance, people said they havent seen an old guy pin someone like that since larry king's honeymoon. i think hulk hogan should keep wrestling, he's still huge! but he weighs 25o pounds, hulk hogan, now remember 60 pounds of that are moustache, but still! to pull off a moustache like that you have to be a professional wrestler, or the leader of a gay motorcycle gang. i look forward to your letters, and the terrible beatings. hulk hogans real name is terry bolea. its not even a really tough guy name. its one of those names where you cant really tell if its a man or woman, like alex, or pat, or ryan seacrest. thanks to hulk hogan wrestling really took off, he was one of the innovators. there are a bunch of wrestlers who went on to second careers also: dwayne 'the rock' johnson became a movie star, jesse ventura was elected governor of minnesota, that was great, except for minnesota... i'm glad here in california we would never elect a muscle bound freak as a governor. that would never happen out here!'
+ betty white stops by to share some fire safty tips
+ 'it was on this day in 1948 the very first episode of candid camera aired', craig ferguson informs us, 'now if you dont know candid camera, it was the first hidden camera tv show. it was the punk'd of its day. it was created by a guy named allen funt, he was the ashton kucher of his day. you know whats weird? when allen funt created candid camera he was dating demi moore! anyway, candid camera started on ABC in 1948, then within a year it moved to NBC and then to CBS. back then tv shows switched networks all the time, today of course that would never work. call me, any other network... anyway, candid camera was really just like punk'd, except the pranks werent done on celebrities, it was done on regular people, and it was done back when people were still black and white. so a guy would realize he was being filmed by a camera hidden inside a giant gramophone thing, and he'd say 'say mac, whats the big idea?' and allen funt would come out and go 'smile! you are on candid camera!' then the guy would be like 'why you chuckle head, i aughta...' and then they would make out. i made up that last part, they didnt make out. allen funt also did some candid camera spin-offs. he did a version for HBO called candid candid camera and it had naked ladies in it. ooh! that got your apathy going, didnt it everybody! then he did a version called candide camera where he pranked a copy of voltaire's 1759 satirical novela. you're welcome five people in the world who got that...'
+ 'it was on this day in 1173 that construction began on the leaning tower of piza', craig ferguson informs, 'it was named after the town in which it was built, of course, the town of leaning in italy. it was never supposed to be called 'the leaning tower', i mean, its not the italian architects go 'hey, lets-a build a tower that-a leans over! it'll be-a crazy!' thats right, italian architects at that time liked to talk like super mario... the tower leans like that because its built on a crappy foundation. no, its true. then the soil was even crappier. its stupid, almost as stupid as building a giant city on a major earthquake fault! anyway, in honor of the leaning tower of piza, tonight is our salute to bad architecture. the leaning tower of piza actually started leaning during its construction. they were on the third floor when somebody was like 'hey, how-a come my tutsie fruitsie ice-a cream is a drippin on-a the floor? its a rolling downa the floor!' then they were shocked when they discovered that the tower wasnt straight. just like i was when i heard about ricky martin'.
+ 'it seems like theres a big gay thing going on', craig ferguson notices, 'theres the gay republicans gathering, prop 8 getting overturned, and then today the movie 'step up 3D' is coming out. its a great day for gay america, i'll tell ya! all you need now is a sale on bed skirts at pottery barn and you'd be in heaven! i'm very excited though for the new step up movie, its the third in the trilogy. first there was 'step up', then its sequel 'step up 2: tokyo drift', now its this one, 'step up: 2 feet 2 furious'... anyway, step up 3 picks up right where step up 2 left off, with me coming out of the theater wearing spandex and a sweat soaked head band! now i'm not even sure what the plot is on these movies, but im sure its a good bet that there will be some moves busted, and some hippin and hoppin, and some popin' and lockin'. poppin' and lockin' and poopin'. by the way, if you are ever in germany and need a law firm, call poppin' lockin' and poopin'. the movie is in 3D, which is awesome, having a dance movie in 3D, there will be jazz hands coming right at ya!'
+ 'its been more than 24 hours since the courts struck down california's ban on gay marriage', craig ferguson shares, 'but celebrations in san fransico have been postponed till friday. i'm like 'wha?!?' well, theres a rerun of glee on tonight, so...' (there was a ton more funny, but unfortunately my computer had some connection issues and i lost the transcript and already deleted the episode. sorry.)
- paris hilton wow, its nice to see she has dropped the 'clueless ditzy girl' image! she was quite engaging during this interview!
+ 'its a great day for the supporters of gay marriage', craig ferguson shares, 'a federal judge has struck down has struck down california's gay marriage ban. in west hollywood gay men were dancing in the streets, waiving their rainbow flags, playing loud techno music. then they heard about the ruling and they went crazy! they are very excited here in west hollywood, i bet the ruling isnt the only thing getting turned over, you know what i mean! legally it went like this: the federal court overturned state proposition 8, which had banned gay marriage after the lower court ruled... oh just kiss me!'
+ tatiana and valentina, who french women from the audience, help with the emails and tweets.
one topic that craig ferguson loves to talk about regularly on his show is his love of the discovery channel's shark week. well, this year they invited craig to come down and host a special for them during shark week! for some foolish reason, craig took them up on that offer! the special that he hosted is called 'shark bites: adventures in shark week' and it recently premiered on the discovery channel. during the special craig spends some time getting ready to go under and swim with the sharks. as he shares his fears and excitement, he shares some horror stories of those who have gone down before him and havent fared so well. when craig finally goes down he gets to swim with some of the smaller sharks in the caribbean, and even goes down to feed the bull sharks! yikes! it was a pretty cool special and we get craig's humorous take on all the exciting aspects of being among these awesome beasts. they have the whole thing online, so check out the special yourself on the discovery website here!
+ 'i've got nothing', craig ferguson admits, 'no really, i've got nothing. not much happened today, i didnt do much. which for most people its not really a problem, but if youve got a job like mine its a serious issue! 'what happened today?' not much. 'anything going on?' no. 'anything make you angry?' eh, i suppose. im just having one of those days. you know what i think it is? you know men have biorhythms that are very similar to a woman's cycle, except we are not allowed to have them. no its true, there is a scientific thing made up by me. scientists make crap up as well, i'll just make stuff up too. then you say 'ah, but you have to prove it!' you prove it first, scientists! they are like 'the theory of evolution. there you are'. i'm like 'uh, have you proved it?' 'no, its a theory'. well, here's my theory of the male menstrual cycle, hows that? 'craig, you cant prove it', well, neither can you! anyway the male menstrual cycle, which doesnt make any sense of course, i understand that. but look, its television, it doesnt have to make sense, it just has to fill time between the commercials, thats all it has to do. 'oh craig, it should make sense. what about great tv shows like huckleberry hound?' does that make sense? he's a dog that talks and he's slightly depressed. does that make sense?!? if a dog could talk he would be cockahoop! you know what a dog would say if it could talk? 'i can lick my own balls! isnt that amazing!' so you guessed i'm not lying about having nothing. i've got nothing! luckily though, during the commercial break i'm going to do something very interesting and then i will talk about it.'
+ 'although its monday, it is day two of shark week!' craig ferguson exclaims. 'if you dont like shark week, go and join your friends in the caves of tora bora. i think you know what i'm saying! this year i'm actually appearing in shark week on the discovery channel. i'm not a shark, i'm one of the non-shark features, like water or bait actually. i think they asked me to be on shark week because i'm always talking about it. so from now on, im going to talk about something called 'booby week'! plus, you never know your luck. and just like shark week, i'm going to arrive by motor boat.... 'we're going to need a bigger boat'. anyways, as part of shark week i went down to the bahamas to go scuba diving with the sharks. well, the sharks didnt go scuba diving, that would have been weird. a shark doesnt need a wet suit. i could have been killed, is what i'm saying! thats why cbs payed for my ticket! i swam with the hammerheads and the caribbean reef sharks, the first time i came face to face with a reef shark i was terrified. lets just say that i wouldnt want to be the one to wear my wet suit after me. i peed myself. well, when the shark looks straight at you it sends shivers up and down your spine because sharks have both upper and lower eyelids, yet they cannot blink. they are like meg ryan! my instructor told me that the best way to stop a shark attack is to poke him in the eye. its very comforting to know the difference between life and death is a move perfected by the three stooges.'
+ craig ferguson always goes a bit off the cuff with his monologues, but this time he was hardly able to stay on topic at all! at the end of his time he realizes that 'i hardly got to say anything about what i wanted to talk about tonight! i mean, if i had known what i wanted to talk about i would have been outraged. anyway, that cats and dogs movie is coming out and i think the poster is funny and basically that is what i was trying to say, but i got waylayed by an interrupting applauding sea lion and a gay skeleton!'
+ 'tonight is the premier of the second season of jersey shore', craig ferguson informs, 'there is no escaping this jersey shore thing, you can even buy bobble heads of the jersey shore cast. they are cheap plastic and mostly useless, and so is the cast. now, if you are not familiar with the jersey shore you're probably wondering what are these dynamic young people doing that is so interesting that it captures the nations attention? well, ill tell you what they do: nothing. seriously. they live rent free and spent their time drinking and tanning and punching each other in the face. wait, i've already made it sound more interesting than it actually is! to be fair, i dont want to be too hard on these brain dead herpies incubators, but it cant be easy having cameras follow you around 24-7. im glad there werent cameras everywhere when i was in my twenties, i would have been arrested. well, arrested more. i would be filmed being arrested. my hope is that the jersey shore kids get a bit classier after spending some time in miami this season, like that other famous miami resident: scarface! 'say hello to my little snooki!' you know, the thing about jersey shore, is that it may have already have hit its peak. the cast is famous now and now they are self aware. psychologists call this the 'hawthorne effect', once a subject is aware of being observed the behavior inherently changes. so the cast members will now have their agents and managers going around and when they get into fights they will be 'im going to have my people punch your people in the face!' its lost all its... whatever it had when i wasnt watching it last season. im a bit out of touch, i havent watched any of this. i dont watch the show. shouldnt i be watching the show? then i think 'why?'. well then you can talk about it. 'oh, i dont need to know' i'm on tv i dont need to know what i'm talking about!'
+ 'its a great day for a guy in fresno, california', craig ferguson shares, 'why? i'll tell you why: cause he gets to live in fresno! the shangri-la of central california... but this guy in fresno found very valuable stuff at a garage sale. this is a true story, the guy found these photographic negatives wrapped in an old newspaper and bought them for 45 bucks. it turns out they are pictures by ansil adams and they are worth 200 million dollars! well that got your attention! with that kind of money you could buy a lot of crap at garage sales! if you dont know ansil adams, he is famous for his black and white photographs of the american west. the photographs found in the garage sale were of yosemite and san fransisco. you never know what you are going to find at a garage sale, actually thats where cbs found me. i enjoy going to garage sales, looking for old furniture, peeking inside a strangers drawers, rummaging through their junk... i love the feel of a dusty old box. classy show tonight, isnt it? if i was at a garage sale and i found something valuable wrapped in newspaper, i wouldnt be that smart. i dont have the eye for it. i'd be like 'oh, how much do you want for that lovely old weird looking thing over there?' 'how dare you, thats not a weird looking thing, thats my wife! twenty bucks.' 'can i pop her in the trunk?' 'that will be forty bucks!' you know what i think is awkward is when i see people drive buy a garage sale and they kind of slow down, they look at the stuff, and then they dont stop, and they keep going. its like they are saying 'everything you have accumulated in your life is not even worth me getting out of my car'. people sometimes sell things that have been in the family for years, i'd love to sell some things that have been handed down in my family, but theres not a huge market for bitterness and disappointment and womanly hips.'
+ 'tonight we have on the show morgan freeman', craig ferguson informs us, 'he's here to promote his new show on the science channel. anyway, when i heard morgan freeman was doing a show called 'through the wormhole' i thought morgan freeman is making a show about worms. but he'll make them interesting, like he did with penguins. 'get busy livin, or get busy... squirmin'. well of course, wormholes have nothing to do with worms, a wormhole is basically a shortcut between space and time. its a way to get from one section of the universe to another quickly. as i get older i wish there was a wormhole between the kitchen and the bathroom! wormholes are just a theoretical construct, there is no proof that they really exist. its like bp's safety plan. but since wormholes cant be proven, some scientists say that they cant exist. which proves one thing: scientists dont know what the fuck they are talking about. let me give you an example, some scientists, most conventional science, the conventional wisdom in physics and astrophysics right now, in all science, is that we will never be able to travel faster than light. they say it will take too long to get to the nearest star in our solar system, the closest star is proximus senturi, which is a dwarf star, but i think it likes to be called a little person star... i look forward to your letters... it is 4.2 million light years away and going there at sunlight speed would take too long. now i'm going to say something controversial here now: i say that some day we will be able to travel faster then light. i dont know when we will be able to do this, probably not in my lifetime, i'm nearly 30 already. what i'm saying is that all scientists say this through out history. they said 'oh, we will never be able to travel faster then sound', then chuck yeager is like 'boo yaa!'. scientists said that sexy was gone forever, then justin timberlake brought it back... alright, i dont know if that one has been entirely proven...'
geoff peterson, craig ferguson's sidekick on 'the late late show' went to comic con this year! he went along with his creator, grant imahara of the mythbusters. craig asked geoff how it was going at comic con on the show: 'you are quiet tonight, geoff' craig states, 'hi' responds geoff, 'well, hi to you. glad you could make it. you having a nice time at comic con?' craig asks, 'oh no' geoff replies. 'whats wrong? i thought you loved comic con, whats going on?' craig asks with sympathy, 'ooh la la, splash!' remarks geoff 'at comic con?!?' craig asks bewildered, 'goodnight, craig'.