paperback on purpose

craig ferguson's autobiography 'american on purpose: the improbable adventures of an unlikely patriot ' has recently come out on paperback! the book itself has been out for almost a year now, but the meaty goodness is still just as fresh! craig talks about growing up in scotland and the crazy journey he took to get him where he is today. its a really great read- and very funny! if you havent bought a copy of his book yet, well, then get going! you can find it on amazon here.


+ 'i'm in trouble today', craig ferguson admits, 'about a year ago, or more, or less, sometime in the past i had a book come out, its called 'american on purpose', it was my autobiography. i havent read it yet. its the story of my life and my fabulous adventures and my great showbissness pals. anyway, it did really well, it was the number one book in the history of books. people were writing to me and saying this book is more popular than.. oh well, there are other books more popular, obviously. its the most popular showbiz biography about an ex-drunk late night tv show host in america there has ever been! but here's the thing, the paperback of it comes out tomorrow, right? it comes out in hardback first so you can walk around the library looking smart. anyway, the paperback comes out tommorrow and the publishers are like 'craig, you havent done any shameless promotion of the book on your show. when the book came out originally you promoted it and promoted it, but now the paperback is coming out and you havent even mentioned it on the show!' well, i have now!'
+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition
- russell crowe
= wilco


+ 'today the big movie opening is iron man 2, i'm very excited about it', shares craig ferguson, 'i'm very excited about it. for those of you who dont know who iron man is, iron man is a super hero who doesnt have any powers. he just has an invincible suit made of iron. i have a suit that makes me feel invincible: it is my birthday suit. it even has a helmet... iron man is actually tony stark. he is a dashing playboy, he's protected by a thick outer shell. kind of like george hamilton. you think about it really, and iron man is just a guy with a pacemaker and iron pants. now, far be it from me to poke holes in the otherwise air tight logic of comic books, but arent there quite simple ways to stop a guy in a suit made of iron? its like 'how can we ever defeat iron man?' 'well, we could use a magnet'. 'what do you mean?' 'well, we will get a magnet and put him on the fridge next to...' now, in iron man 2 scarlett johansson plays the russian spy, cause if you are looking for someone who can sneek around without drawing attention to themselves, you are definitely going to pick scarlett johansson. heres a spoiler alert: she is quite a beautiful person. the bad guy in iron man 2 is played by mickie roarke. who is a fantastic actor and looks quite scary. he is a villian named whiplash, who doesnt sound that scary to me. i dont know what a guy named whiplash would do. maybe he like drive people around and then hits the breaks really hard? 'oh, whiplash got me iron man!' whiplash can only be defeated by one thing: the personal injury lawyer!'
+ steven wright stops by to help out with the emails and tweets.
- seth mcfarlane
> matt baetz


+ 'well, its election day in britain', craig ferguson states, 'since i left britain i dont really follow british politics, i am an american now, so i follow american politics. thats why i am a member of *whatever party you support*. i am excited about the british election, im as excited as you are. i'll bet you are as excited about this as mel gibson is about hanukkah. the people of great britain are very anxious about this election. the polls just closed a few hours ago, and it looks like they have a new prime minister, david cameron of the conservative party. the conservative party are like the republicans, except with bad teeth. the current prime minister is gordan brown, he is the labor party, which is kind of like the democrats, but with bad teeth. they are more bleeding gums than bleeding hearts. the wild card in this election is nick cleg, hes a liberal democrats, they are the new guys, sort of like the green party. but a lot of people like nick cleg because he's young, cute, and has all his teeth. british people have never seen anything like this before! 'blimey! whats that in his mouth! his mouth is a row of white shields- its like he's from the future!'
- mark harmon
- sophia bush
= local natives


+ craig ferguson just got a new haircut and he loves it. 'look at me scratching my new haircut! you know the great thing about getting your hair cut nice and short is that when you go to scratch your hair, you fingers dont go deep into hair. hey, i've been trying to start this rumor about dr. phil. its not true, but lets just say it, right? from now on lets just everybody say this: he's not really bald. he's not really bald, he's not. and when he says 'i am' you just go 'no, dr. phil, we know you are not really bald, you just shave your head to impress oprah'. this guy aint buying it, hairy dr. phil. anyway, happy cinco de mayo, everybody. its a proud day for mexican americans. see, thats one of the great things about living in this country, with its diverse population, every ethnic group has its own holiday. youve got your cinco de mayo for mexican americans, italian americans get columbus day, polish americans have got polaski day. which is not to be confused with polanski day. polanski day is very different, it falls on the 13th, but then you drug it and act like its the 18th. so thats what you do there. i've got a feeling i just got into more trouble than with the cussing. i keep expecting to get into trouble, and i dont get into trouble here at cbs. and this only tells me one thing: they are not fucking watching the show. clearly! which gives me a strange sense of liberation! cause when ever i bump into a cbs executive they are like 'who are you?' i'm like 'im the guy after david letterman'. and they are like 'oh yeah, the show's doing great!', i'm like 'really? what bit do you like?' 'that bit where you talk to that actress', 'really, thats your favorite bit? what about the robot skeleton?' 'oh, you!'.'
- scarlett johansson


+ 'its may the fourth today, so fans of the movie star wars have declared today star wars day', craig ferguson informs, 'now they do that because its may the fourth, so they can say 'may the fourth be with you'. its a real thing! its a day of observance based on a pun, its like spanksgiving. its a lame idea, but its caught on, star wars today is the number one most popular topic on the twitter, the whole internet is cockahoop with star wars today. anyway, its amazing that a movie from 1977 is still so popular today. when star wars came out everyone raved about the special effects, but thats not the reason its endured so long. its endured because of the characters. they have become iconic, darth vader, obi wan kanobi, that big hairy thing- harrison ford. and the force itself was kind of a character, its an all powerful presence that dominates the entire galaxy. now a days we call it oprah. the movie has been so influential that i'm surprised that the fashion never really caught on. you never really see anyone wearing their hair like lea with the buns on the side. one positive influence these movies had, they had technology. the star wars depicts a world where human and robot interaction is normal, unlike this show. right, geoff?' 'let it go craig' says geoff peterson. anyway, i remember when luke skywalker and ben kanobi go into that bar, and back in 1977 people made a big fuss over that bar scene, cause of all the weird creatures and i never understood why. i was used to bars in scotland. no, i was 15 so i had been going for years. at the star wars bar everyone is drinking and fighting. i'm thinking whats the big deal? no one was vomiting or snorting lines off the tables or having sex against the jukebox. the bars in scotland made the bar in star wars look like chuck e cheese!'
- andy garcia
- donald glover


+ 'over the weekend there were huge marches to protest arizona's new immigration law', craig ferguson shares, 'things got out of control here in l.a., up on hollywood blvd people were frisked and given body cavity searches. things got worse when the police showed up! if you dont know about this, arizona's new law says that the police have to ask anyone for immigration papers if 'reasonable suspicion' can be found that they are in the country illegally. 'reasonable suspicion'. what is 'reasonable suspicion'? one arizona law maker said, and i'm not kiddng, illegal immigrants are easy to spot because of their clothes. really? i know it was obvious with me when i got off the place because i was wearing speedoes, of course. i came in from europe wearing my speedoes and my waxed moustache. so as i got off the plane wearing my speedoes a cop had 'reasonable suspicion' i was from somewhere else. he said 'papers', and i thought it was a game so i said 'scissors'. and i got arrested. best damn night of my life. call me, officer delicious!'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- morgan freeman
- kate mara


+ 'the big movie opening today is 'a nightmare on elm street'.' craig ferguson shares, 'the old nightmare on elm street is considered a classic. it was a big slasher movie. to be honest i'm not much of a fan of slasher movies, i like horror movies, but not so much slashers. theres a difference. see, horror movies are about suspense. they make me scream like a little girl, pee my pants, jump up into the arms of the gentleman sitting next to me. the slasher movies are just blood flowing and things squirting and body parts flying. its like a party at elton johns house. nightmare on elm street will make a ton of money cause elm street is the most common street name in america and when the first movie came out people were actually scared to live on streets called elm street. 'aw, honey, i'm so glad we didnt buy that house on elm street, i feel much safer here on stabby lane'. anyway, the bad guy in the nightmare movies isn't stabby lane, its freddy kruger. he kills people in their dreams, which is never really that scary to me because i know that isnt possible. its impossible to be killed in your dreams, but it is possible to have your dreams killed. it happens to me here every night...'
+ style tips with tim gunn- 80's edition
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
+ email time with lauren graham
- peter sagal


+ 'it actually is a great day because it is one of my favorite days of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'if you know anything about me, you will know that this is a day i wait for all year. this is international dance day! this is a real day, its sponsored by the united nations because this is one of the two things that unite the international community. dancing- international dancing, and the international house of pancakes! in the last couple of years there has been a resurgence of the dance movie. i have an idea for a dance movie, its called 'hobo feet'. no, i came up with this idea cause i was in bed lying next to my wife. we sleep in the same bed, we've only been married a couple years so we still sleep in the same bed. she moved and her toe nail scratched my leg, and i was like 'ugh, youve got hobo feet!' and then i thought 'thats a great idea for a dance movie: hobo feet!' a dancer, right, he's a young dancer and he gets drafted into the vietnam war and he comes back and he's seen too much, he cant dance anymore. and he becomes a hobo, and he has feet! he has hobo feet and he lives in a dumpster and he says stuff that they say in a dance movie like 'i didnt give up on my dreams, my dreams gave up on me'. everyone else is like 'what the hell?' and then some young hot dancers are dancing in a parking lot and one of them goes 'wait a minute- your hobo feet!' and he's like 'nah, i aint hobo feet no more. i used to be, but i gave up on my dreams'. and then they all, you know, dance. the ending needs some work, but i think that would be awesome!'
- tom selleck
< lance burton (introduced by neil patrick harris!)


+ during the monologue they show a picture of craig ferguson for a comedy bit they prepared. after they show it craig says 'i like that photograph of me though, i should have that on a t-shirt. people sometimes come up to me, this is true, and they've got a photograph of me that they have very nicely put on a t-shirt, and they give it to me. i'm like 'you want me to wear a t-shirt with a picture of me on it?' couldn't i just walk up to people and say 'hello, i'm a douche'. i mean i appreciate the effort and everything, but why the fuck would i wear a t-shirt with me on it?'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- drew carey
= jason aldean


+ 'its earth day today', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the movie avatar comes out on dvd today. fantastic! now, dvd's usually come out on tuesdays, but james cameron wanted it to be released on earth day because nothing says save the planet like millions of plastic dvd cases everywhere... anyway, its earth day- congratulations earth, we made it through another one. this is the 40th earth day, which is bad news for you if you are earth. it all goes downhill for you in your 40's. trust me- once you get into your 40's your equater expands, your south pole starts to melt... soon you look as bad as uranus!'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- jeffery dean morgan
- busy philipps

craig's loose tie

an email comes in that asks 'craig, whats up with your tie lately, why have you decided to leave it loosely tied?' craig ferguson replies 'in case i have to leave here quickly. no, you know what? i figured that the tie could represent, you know, through sartorial form, the shody nature of how the rest of cbs feels about this fucking show. thats why i wear it like this. its a protest, mister! its protest. it says 'when you give me the equipment i will tie my tie! and until you do, my neck will be available for viewing! oh, we are out of time? funny how your clock still works...'


+ 'its very sad news if you are a fan of the star trek films', shares craig ferguson, 'and who isnt? i love the star trek. i call it 'the' star trek. you know why? because... um... i can? anyway, its a very sad day if you love the star trek because leonard nemoy, who plays spock, announced today that he is retiring from acting. but there is even worse news: william shatner isnt! actually, i dont know if that's true. i think william shatner retired from acting right about when he was on the twilight zone!'
+ they cant get the audio equipment to work, so there is no music or jingles!
- brooke shields
- george wallace
= corinne bailey rae


+ 'thats right, its 420 everybody!' craig ferguson reminds us, 'its a big holiday for the people who smoke marijuana, because the rest of the time they work very hard! here in l.a. there was a huge stoner parade. thousands of marijuana enthusiasts, they marched down sunset boulivard, they took a left at ben and jerry's and they never came out. its not all good news for the pot smokers though, a new phone survey shows that the majority of americans are not in favor of legalizing pot. but you cant trust the phone results, i dont think, most stoners are too paranoid to use the phone.'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- emily mortimer
= miranda lambert
> randy kagan

gardening tips with willie nelson

willie nelson gives some gardening tips to the audience. a new bit that features willie and craig giving some good advice to make your garden grow. advice like this: 'a compost pit is a great way to provide your garden with nutrition. you fill it with food scraps, grass clippings, and manure, and you let it sit there a while. you know its ready when it starts to smell like craig ferguson', willie nelson states.
craig walks in 'hey hey, i heard that!'
willie sniffs, 'yup, thats it, thats the good stuff!'


+ 'it is a great day for me personally', craig ferguson shares, ''why' i hear you ask, cause i get my newspaper this morning. you know the newspaper? its a big papery thing. before computers were invented, everyone was crazy about them. i look in the news paper today and i see that i am in the number one and the number two movie in america! kick-ass is the number 1 movie in america and i do a little cameo in that, and how to train your dragon is number two movie in america, and i do a little voicing in that. now the last time the newspaper said i was involved in a number one and a number two it was an ugly incident in a german bondage club...'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- brendan fraser
- amanda righetti
> brian scott mcfadden


+ 'its a big day for us at this show', craig ferguson shares, 'willie nelson is here tonight, everybody! willie nelson is an artist, an activist, he's a true outlaw. he's been called an outlaw for decades. not just for his attitude, but for his music you see. back in the 1970's country music on the radio was lifeless, bland and corporate. not like now... but then some guys came along: willie nelson, waylon jennings, and some others in the spirit of original hank williams. but basically, an outlaw is someone who doesnt conform, a rebel. and there arent many in music these days, but i can think of three: nick, kevin, and joe. the jonas brothers, yes. why not? they wear purity rings, they dont conform to the rock star lifestyle. what i'm saying is they dont conform to the rock star lifestyle, so why cant they be considered outlaws? its very simple, because their music is crap. its not fair that i make fun of the jonas brothers, thats not fair. i'm sure its very stressful being on top of the disney music chain, there's always somebody younger and more adorable ready to take your place. someone with bigger eyes and a cuter face, someone who's even more adorable than you! it will happen to you too, justin bieber!'
= willie nelson talks and sings
- ellie kemper

style tips with tim gunn 80's edition

tim gunn critiques someone's clothing, this time its models dressed like the 80's. 'for me, the fashion plague of the 80's was the preppy look. oceans of bland pleat fronted khakis. silly little golf shirts with alligators chomping their way toward your nipples. they put the bored in boarding school. this country club hate crime wouldnt be complete without a sweater draped around the shoulders, kind of like a gay cape. thats a joke of course, because the term 'gay cape' is redundant.'


+ 'its kind of a strange day', craig ferguson shares, 'did you hear about the people in the midwest, they are all cockahoop about this strange light in the sky. last night thousands of people saw a fire ball streak across the sky for about 15 minutes. this fascinates me, not because i think its a ufo, i'm just fascinated by lights in general because we dont have any in the studio...'
+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition
- kristie alley
= sade


+ 'its a big day: its national pecan day!' shares craig ferguson, 'its fitting that april the 14th is national pecan day, cause today we recognize nuts. and tomorrow we pay our taxes to support them! ah ha ha! that was an actual joke! take that critics who say late night is afraid to get political. well, we've peaked now, thats it, we've had a joke. anyway, scientists say that eating pecans everyday may reduce your cholesterol. just in case they are right, i wrap all my pecans in a strip of bacon. dont want the balance to be thrown off... anyway, if national pecan day hasnt taken off, i think its because they dont have a mascot. like peanuts, they've got mr. peanut. so i think pecans should have a mascot- sean pecan-erry!
- andie macdowell
# dario franchitti
= dawes