+ craig ferguson just got a new haircut and he loves it. 'look at me scratching my new haircut! you know the great thing about getting your hair cut nice and short is that when you go to scratch your hair, you fingers dont go deep into hair. hey, i've been trying to start this rumor about dr. phil. its not true, but lets just say it, right? from now on lets just everybody say this: he's not really bald. he's not really bald, he's not. and when he says 'i am' you just go 'no, dr. phil, we know you are not really bald, you just shave your head to impress oprah'. this guy aint buying it, hairy dr. phil. anyway, happy cinco de mayo, everybody. its a proud day for mexican americans. see, thats one of the great things about living in this country, with its diverse population, every ethnic group has its own holiday. youve got your cinco de mayo for mexican americans, italian americans get columbus day, polish americans have got polaski day. which is not to be confused with polanski day. polanski day is very different, it falls on the 13th, but then you drug it and act like its the 18th. so thats what you do there. i've got a feeling i just got into more trouble than with the cussing. i keep expecting to get into trouble, and i dont get into trouble here at cbs. and this only tells me one thing: they are not fucking watching the show. clearly! which gives me a strange sense of liberation! cause when ever i bump into a cbs executive they are like 'who are you?' i'm like 'im the guy after david letterman'. and they are like 'oh yeah, the show's doing great!', i'm like 'really? what bit do you like?' 'that bit where you talk to that actress', 'really, thats your favorite bit? what about the robot skeleton?' 'oh, you!'.'
- scarlett johansson