+ 'the movie opening today i'm very excited about', craig ferguson shares, 'its called elysium, its a science fiction movie with matt damon.  i'm sure that its good because matt damon usually does great movies!  he was in that liberace movie on hbo.  i haven't finished watching it.  i've seen in 47 times, but i have not finished watching it...  anyway, the title is taken from 'elysium fields' of course, its what the ancient greeks called the afterlife.  elysium was said to be filled with heroic men in togas.  the epic poet homer wrote about the elysium fields in his epic 'the odyssey'.  there have been many references to elysium in contemporary culture.  in doctor who, for example, davros, the inventor of the deleks, died at the gates of elysium.  this was during the first year of the time war when his command ship was destroyed by the nightmare child, but everyone knows that!
* keith olbermann
esther povitsky


+ 'its a big anniversary today', craig ferguson shares, 'fifty years ago today was the great train robbery.  robbers got away with 53 million dollars in cash from a postal train in britain.  the robbers became folk heroes over there.  the reason this is of interest to me is because my father worked at the post office in glasgow at that time and was supposed to be sorting mail on that train the very night it was robbed, but he had 'the flu' and he called in 'sick'.  coincidence?  i'm not sure, all i know is that right after the great train robbery we ate well around my house!  yes, that's the night we got a brand new potato!  it really happened though, the train was going from glasgow to london.  the scottish bank lost millions!  the scottish people were spewing venom, accusing the english of betraying them, then the robbery happened and it got worse!  now, pulling off a robbery like that was very complicated, more than 30 criminals were involved, and they split up according to their skills.  you know, there's the safe cracker, the muscle, the look out, the guy who distracts guards with his cleavage...  then there was the guy who insisted that he was retired but he couldn't resist the money and adrenaline of one last job, and he was known as jay leno!  three of the great train robbers have never been caught.  i love a good heist movie.  you know whats a good one?  oceans eleven.  that's where they robbed the casino.  then there was oceans twelve, where they robbed the people who went to go see the movie!'
- james marsden
- meghan markle


+ 'it is a great day to quit smoking', craig ferguson insists, 'any day is a good day to quit, blah blah, cbs cares.  a new study says that ex smokers make more money than smokers.  i actually used to smoke, i used to be a smoker, i really enjoyed it.  nothing relaxed me more than a winston in my mouth... then i had a cigarette.  i understand why people smoke, i understand why you do it, because it feels awesome.  addictive poisons are funny like that.  i smoked for years.  a lot of ex smokers say 'i'd never take up smoking again', but i'm not one of them.  i would start smoking again in a heartbeat.  the only thing stopping me is the painful early death.  if we ever find out there is a meteor headed to earth i'll be the first one down at the store buying a carton of cigarettes, a six pack of lube, and a crate of turnips...  well, you know i guess!  the big trend these days is the e-cigarette, you know, they are supposed to be as nicotiney as regular cigarettes, but then again, so is strapping your nipples to a car battery.  saying you are safer than cigarettes is like saying you are taller than tom cruise.  its like saying your movie made more money than the lone ranger.  its like saying you fathered less children than arnold schwarzenegger.  its like saying you are a better husband than o.j. simpson!'
- jeff goldblum talks and plays some jazz


+ 'its a great day for our friends in jamaica', criag ferguson, 'if you know anything about me, you know this is the day i look forward to all year: jamaican independence day!  happy independence day, jamaica!  today in jamaica everyone spend the day smokin' and drinkin', having a great time, then they remembered its independence day!  jamaica, of course, is associated with raggae music.  i have mixed feelings about regee, its pleasant enough, but it all kind of sounds the same, like coldplay.  coldplay could make a great reggae album if they traded in gwenyth paltrow for weed.  you know, come on, i make a fair point.  people think that everyone in jamaica smokes weed, and that's not true.  some people eat it!  if you are unfamiliar with the island of jamaica, its an island nation in the caribbean.  jamaica isn't far away from florida, so if you go to jamaca on a quite night, you can hear old people in boca raton laughing at cbs sitcoms!'
- diane kruger
- tony hale


+ 'i can tell by the look on your faces, completely random selection of the public', craig ferguson states, 'and you at home, i can see you- oh yes i can!  i know you are thinking 'craig, i wish you would tell us the latest news from hollywood!'  alright, i will.  the big news in hollywood is the movie i saw five times over the weekend: smurfs 2!  what a great movie!  its rare that a sequel surpassed the original, like the second godfather movie is better the first, star wars, the second is better, or the oj simpson trial...  i liked the ending better on the second one!  anyway, if you know anything at all about me, you know i love the smurfs.  i'm like a smurfaholic.  if you dont like the smurfs then join al quida!  the smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves.  kind of like justin bieber but without the 'everybody loves' part.  i used to love that little canadian songster, but he's turning out to be a world class prick, huh?  who knew?  anyway, i cant decide on my favorite smurf.  i love papa smurf, of course, but who is that one who is always yelling at everyone with his long winded stories?  regis smurf, that's right.  there's tito smurf, germaine smurf, you've got your kardashian smurf.  the smurfs are named after their personalities.  the one who plays pranks is jokey smurf, the one who's always falling down is clumsy smurf, and the one who's always complaining is french smurf.  if you don't know about the smurfs, here's the basics:  they are little blue people who live in mushroom shaped houses and they fight crime or something.  i don't really give a rats ass about this.  the village is 100 male smurfs and one girl smurf.  is it any wonder these dudes are blue?'
- minnie driver talks and sings
> baron vaughn


+ 'i'll tell ya, i'm very excited', craig ferguson admits, 'its a big weekend if you like the sharks, and who doesn't?  sunday of this weekend is the start of shark week!  come sunday night i'll be glued to my tv set asking how do these magnificent creatures open their mouths so side around all that meat?  then ill turn off the porn and start watching shark week...  shark week isn't on cbs, its on cable.  the lawyers told me i cant say which channel its on or i'd be fired, so its on discovery channel.  this is the 26th year of shark week, it started off as a gimmick in the 80's that has turned into a cultural phenomenon that scares the crap out of everyone- its like david hasselhoff!  shark week is so awesome i'm surprised other networks don't have shark related programming, you know, like 'sharks and recreation', 'here comes chummy boo boo', 'fins of anarchy', 'how i ate your mother', 'hawaii five-oh crap its a shark!', 'the tonight show with jaws leno'!  did you see that tv movie 'sharknado'?  it was amazing, the plot of that movie was that a tornado went over the water and spewed sharks over l.a., which was terrifying.  but i'm thinking why was it only sharks?  why didn't it get all the fish that were there?  i guess 'fishquake' doesn't have the same ring about it'.
- josh wolf
- georgia king


+ 'its a great day for mtv', craig ferguson shares, 'the channel that brought us beavis & butthead, snookie & j-wow, its 32 years old today!  mtv started in 1981, things were different in 1981.  justin bieber wasn't even born yet, you could leave your mop buckets out in the open without worrying about someone peeing in them!  people say mtv doesn't play music anymore, these people are called 'old'.  just because mtv has the word music in it doesn't mean they have to play music.  the name of a channel is irrelevant these days, this became clear after the learning channel gave us 'here come's honey boo boo'.  mtv is for people younger than 25.  the only old person who is allowed to be on mtv is kurt loder.  speaking of music videos, have you seen justin timberlake's new music video?  its got naked girls in it.  i remember back in the day when record companies would spend millions of dollars on music videos that were artistic and told a story, now a days they just put topless girls in a room and let them dance around.  what i'm trying to say is that things are getting better!'
- anthony edwards
> hugh moore


+ 'you know what its a great day for?' craig ferguson asks, 'fashion!  who doesn't like fashion?  vanity fair's best dressed list came out today, and guess who's number 22?  that's right, justin timberlake.  i guess that's fair, justin timberlake cares a lot about fashion, he even has a song called 'suit and tie'.  if i had a song about fashion it would be called 'crocs and socks' or something like that!  i'm kind of bummed that i didn't make this year's best dressed list cause i make a lot of sacrifices to look good out here.  i steal all my suits from bob barker's old dressing room!  they look good, but they smell like plinko and dog nuts.  'spay and neuter your pets!'  when i'm not on tv i like to keep things casual, i like to wear regular guy like, you know, a crop top and juicy sweat pants.  i don't usually like it when people make lists, especially 'best dressed' lists, they are number one on my top 10 list of lists i hate!  i hate lists so much i don't even make a grocery list, i just go to the store and improvise!  and by 'improvise', i mean i load a cart up with ice cream and preparation h...'
- jane leeves
- ahna o'reilly
= backstreet boys


+ 'i have to be very careful tonight', craig ferguson informs,' guess what happened to me today?  i was brushing my teeth this morning. 'but craig, you are european!'  yes, but i'm an american now.  i was brushing my teeth this morning and one of my crowns just boop- fell out!  i was like 'oh!'  it just fell right out!  i had to go to the dentist and they put it in.  guess what happened when i went to the dentist?  the guy said 'ah, its cool'.  when i went to pay he waved me off saying 'oh, its fine'.  what part of beverly hills is this?  the guy said 'it only took five minutes, get out of here'.  ok!  i have to be careful though, cause it has to be redone.  its just glued temporarily, it has to be redone.  my tooth might fall out on the show tonight.  that woke you up, didn't it?  now you'll stay watching!  you'll see that, the ratings will go crazy!  people are going to watch shows to see if teeth fall out!  'two and a half teeth', 'how i met your dentist'- its teeth watch 2013!  anyway, its a great day for america, everybody!  its not such a great day for that little canadian girl, that rabble rouser, justin bieber.  he's in terrible trouble!  his tour bus was stopped at the canadian border by the patrol agents and they found marijuana!  the agents said justin bieber was a disgrace to canada and should never come back.  then they found the marijuana!  look at that- first joke out of the way and the teeth are still there!'
- henry winkler
- valerie azlynn


+ 'now, if you know anything about me', craig ferguson informs, 'you know that i love reading about and learning about fashion!  i was reading an article about it and apparently the 90's are back!  according to this article, one of the hottest items on ebay is acid washed jeans.  i tried making acid wash jeans by washing them in LSD.  it didn't do anything for my jeans, but my washing machine saw god!  90's fashions aren't coming back because they are good, they are coming back because people are nostalgic.  nostalgia is defined as sentimentality for the past.  people have always been nostalgic, i wonder if even cave men were like 'ah, remember the mammoth stampede?'  of course, as you remember, marcel proust said 'remembrance of things past is not necessarily remembrance of things as they actually were'.  i think we look back at the past with fondness because we were younger, you know, life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh carrion.  a lot of people in their 30's  get nostalgic for their teen years and then they get jobs on tv, then they become bitter and jaded and prematurely old, and then they turn their nostalgia into good television.  in the 1990's we had 'that 70's show', twenty years, right?  then in the 1970's we had 'happy days' and that was set in the 50's, twenty years.  and then in the 1950's in television they had shows set in the 30's.  they had... 'here come's hitler boo boo'?  'how i met your hindenburg', 'live with regis and herbert hoover',  'real housewives of the great depression', 'larry king tonight'.  see what i did there?'
= courtney love
jeff kurr


+ 'the big movie opening today that i'm very excited about is wolverine', craig ferguson shares, 'hugh jackman is a man with sharp nails who'll tear any man apart who crosses his path.  i'm not sure what he does in the movie, but i'm a big fan!  i love the x-men movies, i can name all the x-men: there's wolverine, professor xavier, cyclops, storm, rogue, sugar bear, pumpkin, chickity, moma june, and honey boo boo!  you know what i like about wolverine as a super hero?  his character is canadian!  in the comics he's a canadian citizen who works for the canadian government.  i love the thought of a canadian superhero!  they could have called him captain hawky or something.  or maybe syrup boy!  the lone bieber!  mr. soft spoken!  celine dion!  anyway, in the now movie, wolverine goes to japan.  although in japan they don't call him wolverine, they call him 'big fuzzy man ha ha'.  now, people think a wolverine is a big tough animal, but its not.  a wolverine is a cross between a wolf and a tangerine!  a wolverine actually resembles a little bear, its also referred to as skunk bear.  that wouldn't make a cool superhero, would it?  'stop villain, or ill... make a smell'.  its true though, wolverines, that's what they do, they make a stench from their anal glands to mark their territory, that's what they do.  you can make your own larry king joke here...'
- lisa kudrow
= michael mcdonald


+ 'its not such a great day here in l.a.', criag ferguson admits, 'according to the authorities we are on plague watch!  the department of health in los angeles confirmed there has been at least one case of bubonic plague here in l.a.!  the first victim has been identified: a squirrel!  the plague infected squirrel was found in the angeles national forest.  i hope the plague doesn't spread out.  if it wipes out squirrels all around the country, what's honey boo boo going to have for dinner?!?  they say people going camping in l.a. are in most danger.  you should be ok if you don't touch the dead animals.  i'm like, that's the only reason i go camping!  also, camping in l.a.?  are you serious?  anyway, i have been camping in l.a., it was terrifying!  i woke up outside my tent and saw a hairy creature rooting through the garbage.  it took all my courage just to whisper 'khloe kardashian, is that you?'.'
- bill hader
- shohreh aghdashloo