+ 'the oldest person in america just passed away. mary josephine ray' craig ferguson says, which the crowd 'aww's to, 'well, she was 114, so... she died peacefully in her home state of new hampshire. anyway, we've got a new oldest person in america. coming in at 113 years old: larry king. its not true, age means nothing to larry king, he made a deal with satan to live forever! now, in mary josephine ray's lifetime she saw many great inventions: the airplane, the automobile, the snuggy, the shamwow. 114 isnt as old as it used to be, its the new 104. dont people always say that, 30 is the new 20? well, people who are getting older always say that. 30 is the new 20, 50 is the new 40. its crap! i'm 47 and it aint the new anything! the only thing new is the aching of my back and the sagging of my testicles! abraham lincoln said 'in the end, its not the years in your life that count, its the life in your years'. and right after that he said 'hey, who wants to go see a play?' too soon?'+ craig's spanish word of the day: pistola- gun!
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