craig ferguson has a new segment on the show, this one has craig dressed up like sean connery sharing his christmas memories. the memories themselves always seem to involve drinking and having sex with a man or family member. or both. its not the funniest bit ever on the show, but its somehow just comforting to have craig doing his sean connery impression again, huh? now thats a warm christmas memory!
a sean connery christmas memory
craig ferguson has a new segment on the show, this one has craig dressed up like sean connery sharing his christmas memories. the memories themselves always seem to involve drinking and having sex with a man or family member. or both. its not the funniest bit ever on the show, but its somehow just comforting to have craig doing his sean connery impression again, huh? now thats a warm christmas memory!
11-30-09
+ 'last friday was the busiest shopping day of the year', criag fergson shares, 'economists are saying that holiday sales are already below expectations, they are saying, but they havent yet counted the diamond ring tiger woods is going to have to buy his wife. he is in a lot of trouble, tiger. look, if your name is tiger, sooner or later you are going to get in trouble. you are not just going to play golf your whole life... anyway, heres the tiger woods situation: 2:00am friday, tiger's suv crashes into a fire hydrant and a tree. the police arrive, tiger is unconscious, his face is smashed up, and his wife is holding a golf club. now, people are speculating, the bloggers are going crazy, like 'shes holding a golf club, she hit him!' now wait, it doesnt mean that she hit him. think about it, in tiger woods' house golf clubs are everywhere, they do everything with a golf club. they cook with the golf clubs, they brush their hair with the golf clubs, 'honey, can you pass the meatballs?' with a golf club! and, if it was a domestic dispute, and he sees his wife coming up with a golf club, he'd probably be thinking 'oh, thats a terrible backswing, look how her elbow is sticking out!'.'+ a sean connery holiday memory
11-25-09
+ 'a lot of people go home to see the family at thanksgiving', craig ferguson tells, 'heres a tip. if you want to save the air fare, this is what i do: you have to pick a fight with the family right before thanksgiving, then you don't have to make the trip. which reminds me, i'd like to say hi to my fat uncle gordan and my stupid aunt moira. cant wait to see you guys at thanksgiving, you jerks!'- robin wright
-> wolfgang puck
11-24-09
+ 'do i look tired to you?' craig ferguson asks, 'i tell ya, i feel tired. i had such a long weekend, the weekend was so long, even though yesterday was monday and today's tuesday, cause i think i've seen the twilight movie like fifty times! nope. still havent seen it. cant do it. cant do it. trying to connect with popular culture, but just cant give a rats ass about it. trying to. now, i know that a lot of you are like 'well craig, it doesnt matter, this is america, you dont have to be into twilight.' i know you dont have to, but i have to, its my job. you know, i have to go 'hey, our next guest is from the twilight movie, hey!' ugh. and then on the tv they have 'the vampire diaries'. now, what kind of fucking vampire keeps a diary?!? 'dear diary, does dracula like me, or like me?' what happened? i know i've been complaining about this too long now, i've been complaining about the trendiness of vampires. you know it started with harry potter. i'll tell you why. hang on, i'll tell you why. soon.' craig tries to think on his feet, 'its because he's english. and thats a safe bet for me. and i'm scottish. so, if in doubt about who to blame, blame the english. thats what i always do. oh, look at the time, i've been talked way too long. well, i better stop and get to the commericals. commercials. you know who i blame for the commercials? harry potter.'11-23-09
+ 'have you seen how much money that 'new moon' movie made?' craig ferguson asks, 'oh my lord! it made so much money, they havent finished counting it yet, its got to be nearly a gazzillion dollars. mostly from me, i've seen it 20 times! i'm just kidding, i'm not going to go see it. i'm not going to go see it! i'm not going to see a movie called 'new moon' that doesnt have a bare ass in it, what's the point?' new moon is, of course, the second in the twilight series. twilight fever is everywhere. in books, magazine covers, posters all over the place, everywhere i look i see thin pale skinned men with fangs and hair gel. then i leave my house and it gets worse. the first twilight is about sensitive vampires who talk about their feelings. what could be better than that? 'i feel vulnerable', but in this one its got sensitive werewolves who talk about their feelings as well. have you seen the new werewolf in the movie? thats not wolfy, thats more like a gay bear.'# carl edwards, race car driver
11-20-09
+ 'its a great day, but also a sad day', criag ferguson laments, 'oprah winfrey announced that she's quiting the show in 2011. now you know why the mayans ended their calender in 2012, thats it! oprah's announcement today was very emotional, lots of tears, handkerchiefs, weeping. i tried to control myself, but i couldnt! once oprah leaves, the most powerful woman on tv is of course ryan seacrest, so everything will change! oprah has been doing her show for 24 years. 24 years! i cant imagine doing this show 24 years, i cant even imagine getting past the next commerical break! also, did you hear? even more bad news, did you hear about dr. phil's show? unfortunately he is going to keep going.'11-19-09
+ craig ferguson gets an email from nina in manalus, new york. it says 'hi craig, my boyfriend just got a tatoo on his lower back, where it is referred to as a 'tramp stamp' for girls. is this normal for a guy?' 'i dont know. it depends what the tattoo is of, but even then, im not sure. i've got three tattoos, and i'm going to get more, i've decided that three tattoos isn't enough, i need at least 28. i've not got any tattoos where i cant see them because, and this is no disrespect to tattoo artists all across america, or across the world, but i don't trust you. so it has to be in a part of the body i can see', craig then looks over his shoulder, 'i can, but i have to go in a different direction. thanks coundalini yoga. i dont wish to blow my own trumpet, but i could if i wanted too...'- sandra bullock
- ben foster
11-18-09
+ 'it's mickey mouse's birthday today', criag ferguson shares, 'so the mighty disney corporation declared today as 'micky mouse day'. mickey mouse is 81 years old today, 81. he's now officially the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on donald trump's head. now, mickey mouse isn't the only disney character who's growing old, all of them are. all the seven dwarfs now are grumpy, all of them. pinochio needs a blue pill now to get his nose up!'- david duchovny he even gets to chat with wavy the crocodile
> lewis black
11-17-09
+ 'president obama's 9 day trip to asia is in full swing,' craig ferguson reports, 'he's visiting south korea, japan, china. the presidential trips like this require a lot of planning, the state department briefs the president, the air force clears the air space, the secret service leaves out dog food for joe biden. right now president obama is meeting with top chinese officials, and the american/chinese relationship has changed in the past couple years. we used to be the world's only super power, we would be standing head and shoulders above the other nations. we were like alec baldwin towering over all the other baldwins. oh steven and all the other baldwins, like corky, jermaine... thats actually quite accurate, isnt it, huh?'- woody harrelson
* joe theismann
11-16-09
+ 'unlike most americans, i didnt go see 2012 this weekend', craig admits, 'it made a lot of money this weekend- the mayans warned us. a lot of people right now are wishing the mayans had warned them about the movie. oh, i shouldnt say that, there are some people who love watching the human suffering- those people are called divorce lawyers! usually the big disaster movies come out in the summer. i think with global warming it means that we are going to have to see movies like this all year round. and the movie is so successful, they are already, probably, i guess (i'm making it up). no its true- they are working on a sequel. when the world ends again! it will be called 2013: the legend of curly's gold! you're welcome people who enjoy topical movie references!'11-13-09
+ 'its a big weekend for the movies, its the end of the world! hurrah!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'the movie 2012 comes out today. and like a lot of movies, it teaches us a valuable life lesson: and the life lesson is that we are all going to die. goodnight everybody. the movie 2012 is based on the mayan belief that the world will end in 2012. now keep in mind that the mayans believed the oceans would run dry, a jaguar would eat the sun, and jon and kate would last forever. so consider the source. anyway, the mayan calender ends in 2012. for the mayans it actually ended much ealier, the entire civilization was wiped out much earlier, the entire civilization was wiped out by the spanish. didn't really predict that, did you mayans.'+ dear aquaman, featuring tim gunn
= harry connick jr. he and craig almost lock lips!
* peter segal
ratings win!
11-12-09
+ 'yesterday at an art auction, an andy warhol piece, which is called '200 1 dollar bills', sold for 43 million dollars', craig ferguon exclaims, 'whoa?!? who has that kind of money these days? i dont mean the 43 million dollars, i mean the 200 1 dollar bills! i would love to go to a big art auction, but i'd be afraid that i'd scratch my nose or pull my ear or something and i'd bid for some crappy thing i dont want. thats how i got this job!'+ the rather late programme with prince charles
= trace adkins talks but doesnt sing, much to his surprise!
> nick griffin pretty funny
11-11-09
+ 'there is some very important news tonight, very important news! i cant be mucking around with jokes- theres news!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'finally, after a long year of campaigning, the winners were announced today for the toy hall of fame. its a real place! its in rochester new york, it was built 11 years ago, this is true, to recognized toys that have changed our lives. this is a real place, the 2009 inductees, i'm not kidding you, there's three: the big wheel, the game boy, and the ball. wait, wait, the ball?!? they have a toy hall of fame for 11 years, and the ball just made it?!? shouldnt the ball just be at the beginning? the ball should be right at the beginning with the stick. and boogers.'+ fake george bush shows up to chat and help out with the e-mails
- kenneth branagh
11-10-09
+ 'it is today, sesame street is 40 years old', craig ferguson informs us, 'happy birthday! its officially now middle aged. cookie monster is going to have switch to a low carb diet. you thought oscar was grouchy before, wait till he gets that prostate exam!'- adam arkin
* nina garcia
11-09-09
+ 'its a great day for germany,' craig ferguson reminds us, '20 years ago the berlin wall came down. i remember where i was: i was passed out in a dumpster. i actually dont remember where i was, but its a good bet, it came down twenty years ago, and i've been sober 17 years, i was probably sleeping in a dumpster... anyway, berlin twenty years ago, it was kind of the capital of cold war europe, the wall divided the city between east and west, between capitalist and communists. it was a symbol of oppression, like the statue of liberty is a symbol of freedom, or the hollywood sign is a symbol of resentment. anyway, the germans celebrated the only way they knew how, with a massive david hasselhoff concert. that's true!'+ fake interview with governor schwarzenegger
- carla gugino
* dennis lehane
11-06-09
+ 'the holiday season is officially upon us', craig ferguson announces, 'because the movie 'a christmas carol' opens today. yes, that's right, christmas movies are being released earlier and earlier every year. now, i'm thinking al gore will blame global warming, but i'm not sure. the new movie is the animated version of jim carrey. does jim carrey really need to be animated? he's pretty cartoony already. i'm sure he will tone it down a bit for the movie. any time jim carrey doesnt make his ass talk in a movie, you know thats the one he wants an oscar for. i want to see his ass win an oscar, it would be a fantastic acceptance speech!'- ewan mcgregor! another one of craig's best guests! two in one week- what a treat!
* anthony zuiker
= regina spektor
11-05-09
+ 'money's tight all over', craig ferguson shares, 'in fact, nicholas cage had to sell his bavarian castle. boo fucking hoo. turns out, nicholas cage is broke, he went from staring in blockbusters, to looking for a job at blockbuster. i'm actually concerned for nicholas cage, the market is quite soft right now for 500 year old bavarian castles... he also has to sell his haunted mansion in in new orleans. i heard that and i though nicholas cage has a haunted mansion? that is actually cool, he really is ghost rider! i've said it before, 'ghost rider' is the greatest movie ever made! if you dont like ghost rider, go and join your friends in tora bora, you al qaeda bastards! a movie about a skeleton who rides a motor cycle with his head on fire? come on! and they are making a sequel, but the producers are saying it wont be anything like the first one. well, you listen to me hollywood producers, you better not make it anything like that 'twilight' thing, with the sensitive vampires talking about their feelings, i dont want any of that! the ghost rider story doesnt need tinkering, i dont want a sequel where he's riding a sequel where he drives an old cadillac ghost riding ms. daisy or anything like that. just make the same movie again with different words- thats what i want!'- denis leary
- jena malone
11-04-09
+ 'a few days ago, the largest cruise ship ever built set sail for the first time', craig ferguson shares, 'now, if you're like me, first of all, see a doctor and drink a lot of orange juice (there was a tip in there stoners...), you have been breathlessly following this ship's voyage. what happened is the ship left finland a few days a go, and soon will arrive in miami. its called 'oasis of the seas', its huge! its huge, this thing! its got a park on it, golf courses, its got a shopping mall. all the things you can do on land, with the added excitement of possibly sinking! the ship is five times as big as the titanic, so what could possibly go wrong? i'm sure everything is fine, they would never hit an ice burg, with global warning, there's no ice burgs left. anyway, the company that made the ship say that its environmentally friendly. its a completely green vessel. that means it doesnt dump anything in the ocean, all the waste created on the ship gets reused. in other words, dont order the lemonade... or the chocolate cake...'+ dear aquaman featuring tim gunn
- mo'nique
* stephen fry
11-03-09
+ 'its a great day for our japanese friends', craig ferguson shares, 'its a big holiday in japan, japanese culture day. big day for me, i celebrate it every year. i do, november the third every year i put on a kimono and giggle like a school girl 'tee hee hee'. actually i do that nearly every day. i think my fascination with japanese culture began by going to japanese restaurants. you know when you go to a japanese restaruant and they shout at you when you walk in 'hersumase!' it means 'welcome', and i think is the shouting really necessary? i dont shout at people when i welcome them into my home, unless they are old and hard of hearing, 'good to see you again regis!'. i will admit, i used to think the whole japanese dinning thing was a joke, it was a put on. they're like 'lets see if we can get these people to eat raw fish with steaks, and then get them to drink hot wine, and then we will get them to sit on the floor without shoes on!'.'+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book. gerard butler
- valerie bertinelli
* dave barry
11-02-09
+ 'happy day light savings time, everybody' craig ferguson celebrates, 'as you can see its getting much darker at night now, much earlier at night. even though its live and its half past time in your region. this weekend everyone gained an hour, but it evens out, so your throwing an hour away. i'm not kidding, its going to suck more than usual tonight, but if you want to stay with it, i will too...'- billy connelly the return of one of craig's top three guests!!!
new york times book review
with craig ferguson's new autobiography, 'american on purpose', out now, there have been many book reviews written. here is an excerpt from the book review in the new york times:The fact that Ferguson has the Scottish version of chutzpah shouldn’t come as a surprise to regular viewers of his TV program, “The Late Late Show,” on CBS. Since his debut as host in 2005, he has evolved into something of an anti-Leno, trading the rapid-fire delivery of canned topical jokes cooked up in a writers’ room for something more idiosyncratic and risky: a loopy, seemingly ad-libbed monologue in which he talks with, not at, the audience.check out the complete review here.
10-30-09
+ 'halloween is this weekend', craig ferguson reminds us, 'halloween though isn't just for kids. popular costumes that are selling like hotcakes this year are the jon and kate costumes. i cant wait until next halloween when no one remembers who the hell they are. i dont know what a jon and kate costume is. kate would be easy, you get a mullet wig and put it on backwards. but how do you dress like jon? i think you wear an ed hardy tee shirt and wear a sign that says 'jerk'. although, if you are wearing the ed hardy tee shirt you dont really need the sign. twilight costumes are quite popular too. when i was a teenager, this is true, when i was a kid one holloween i dressed up as dracula. but we didnt have any hair cream in our house, cause we were poor. hair cream is not beloved by scottish protestents. 'you cant be spending money to buy things to make yourself more attractive! hair cream, is it? next you'll be wearing trousers!' its true... we didnt have any hair cream, so i used butter to slick my hair back. so i go to the party and the butter is all melting. i was a teenager and i was excited, but i looked more like 'i cant believe its not dracula'. the butter is all dripping down my face, i'm wearing all the eye make up and stuff, because i'm a teenager and its melting into my acne. i went to the party as a vampire, but came back as a giant zit!'- lauren graham
- jessalyn gilsig
= the fruit bats
10-29-09
+ 'today is a very important day', craig ferguson announces, 'it was on this day in 1923, that the republic of turkey was founded, its a big day over there. why am i talking about it? i'll tell you why: bit of a slow news day... i'll tell you why i like turkey, because its the only nation named after an animal. turkey was founded from the remnants of the ottoman empire. the ottoman empire was unstable, it collapsed when people put their feet up on the cushion. i've been to turkey, do you know how i got there? took the gravy boat. i went to the grand bazaar in istanbul and i bought a carpet. turkey is known for their thick plush carpets, unlike brazil...'# newt gingrich
10-28-09
+ 'they are giving out swine flu vaccines now', craig ferguson shares, 'i want this vaccination, though. you know the word vaccine comes from the latin 'vacas', which means cow. so what happened in the 18th centery, an english doctor discovered that if you give people the cow pox virus, it would protect them from the more dangerous virus of small pox. thats why its called vaccination, from vacas, or cow. anyway, all over the country there is a shortage of this vaccine. i want to know why. if there is enough of the virus to cause the epidemic of the swine flu, then there should be enough to make the vaccine- its the same stuff! i smell a conspiracy! a virus is an organic naturally occurring substance, how hard can it be to grow? in places where they do have the vaccine, people are willing to fight for it. oh, this always happens before christmas, last year it was a tickle-me-elmo, before that it was the buzz lightyear thing, this year its the swine flu vaccine...'# madelein albright
= rodrigo y gabriela great guitarists!
10-27-09
+ 'it's a great day for the u.s. navy', craig ferguson announces, 'because it's navy day. navy day started in 1922 to celebrate the brave men and women of the u.s. navy. now, the u.s. navy, was founded by john paul jones- who was a scotsman! he went to sea at 13 years old, he deserted the british merchant marine because he was discussed by slavery, and he founded the american navy. anyway, what i'm saying is that its navy day. i always fancied going to sea, being a sailor, but i'm not so sure i could take the lifestyle. you know, 'rum, buggery, and the lash'. well, i'm fine with a bit of rum and buggery, but i'm not into the lash. i prefer cuddling.'+ dear aquaman, featuring tim gunn
- alicia silverstone near the end of the interview the lights went out! craig does a great job of covering and turning it into more of a radio show...
10-26-09
+ 'have you seen 'paranormal activity'?' craig ferguson asks, 'its the number one movie in the country. that means its great. this is the logic: more people saw 'paul blart: mall cop' than saw 'the shawshank redemption'. therefore 'paul blart: mall cop' is a better movie than 'the shawshank redemption'. do you see? thats right, more people saw it, that means its better. dont you understand capitalism?!? i havent seen 'paranormal activity', it sounds scary. its about a couple, they get a camcorder and they put it by the bed to record the things that go bump in the night, and also to see if anything happens with ghosts while they are asleep... the word paranormal means anything that defies scientific explanation. such as how does trump keep that thing on his head? how does a baldwin walk on its hind legs? people are making a big deal about 'paranormal activity' cause it cost 15,000 dollars to make. when i heard that, i was jealous! if we had that kind of money i'd buy suits, we would get a light or two in here, i would buy the audience tickets to a decent show, the price is right maybe. what i'm saying is that 'paranormal activity' will make a huge profit, but that doesnt mean its quality. no one will say 'that movie was garbage, but it only cost 15,000, so i'll see it three times'. i think some people are going to see this movie because it was make out of the studio system, you know, no special effects, no stars, its the little movie that could, its an underdog story. if you like this show, clearly you like an underdog story...'+ interview with america's number one halloween expert henry winkler
party at elton john's house
its been previewed all week, with clips enticing us of what was to come. and friday we got to see it. unfortunately, craig ferguson was right when he said earlier in the week that it wouldnt live up to the hype. the main reason it was lame: the guy who played craig (craig played elton john) was crap. this isnt anything new, this guy has been doing stupid impressions of craig on bits for the show for a long time- please craig, i implore you: get rid of him! he brings everything he does down a notch. he is not funny, in fact he is an annoyance and i get angry every time i see him. he sucks!!!other than that, though, the sketch featured salmon rushdie (not entirely sure why...) and a lot of orgy jokes. craig's turn as elton john was pretty funny though.
10-16-09
+ 'there's a movie coming out today called stepfather', craig ferguson informs us, 'i'm thinking, oh good, this is a nice movie about a loving dad, a step father. it's not- its a horror movie! its a horror movie about a step father does things like cooks dinner, makes the kids do their homework. all right, every now and then he chases them with an axe... but i'm thinking, dont step parents have a hard enough time getting along with the kids, and now hollywood is trying to sell the idea that stepfathers are twisted nut jobs? usually step fathers are fine, they arent creepy. well, unless your step father is woody allen... all i'm saying is that step fathers get a bad rap, so do step children. like the term 'red headed stepchild'. it doesnt mean they are a freak! a couple months ago there was a movie called 'orphan' and it was about an evil adopted child. its a rough time for family members that arent blood related. you know what movie i want to see? i want to see a movie called 'pervy grandpa'! 'who needs a spanking?' even cartoons are tough time on relatives. you know who i blame: fairy tales. exactly. 'what is a fairy tale, craig?' i hear you ask. it is simply a parable. 'what is a parable?' i hear you ask. a parable is an enigmatic allegory. i hope thats cleared it up for you. and what child doesnt love an enigmatic allegory?'+ party at elton john's house skit
= toby keith
- michelle monaghan
10-15-09
+ 'i'll tell you who its not a great day for today', craig ferguson mournfully shares, 'its not a great day for the old folks. today the social security administration announced that there will be no cost of living increase for senior citizens. this is the first time its happened since 1975. and i for one, am reaching a point in my life where i'm interested in this kind of thing... i am, i'm feeling things that are happening in my body! are you there God, its me, craig! i'm often thinking about senior citizen things, i'm noticing more early bird specials where ever i go, i find myself watching reruns of matlock all the time! i'm strangely attracted to angela lansbury... legally there are three stages of aging. at 50 you can join the aarp, at 65 you start getting social security checks, and at 75 you are legally allowed to slap a waitress on the ass and call her 'toots'. i am 47 years old, in three years i can be in the aarp! me! me!!! 8 years from now i am eligible for senior discount at ihop. i can hear what you are saying 'craig, would you really suffer the indignity to get a dollar off pancakes?' your damn right i would! actually, i'm thinking of getting a fake id for ihop discounts before my 8 years are up!'+ another preview for the friday sketch of 'party at elton john's house' it better be good (even though craig plainly states that its going to suck)
- forrest whitaker
* adam savage, jamie hyneman (the guys from mythbusters)
10-14-09
+ 'its not a great day here in l.a.' craig ferguson laments, 'literally, the city has been brought to its knees by a natural disaster. its scarier than an earthquake, worse than fires, crazier than mel gibson on a road trip, thats right: light rain in las angeles! a light smattering of rain. you can always tell when its raining in l.a., people loose their minds! rain in l.a. is like a tornado anywhere else. those of you in the audience should be aware, there is a leaky roof here, i'm not kidding. but this audience is from l.a., so in the event of a leak and the place floods, you can use your breast implants as a floatation device.'+ preview for 'a party at elton john's house' skit coming on friday
+ paula poundstone stops by to do the emails with craig.
- kristen bell
- robert carlyle
10-13-09
+ 'theres a lot of important news going on right now', craig ferguson shares, 'theres some very big news, i'm going to talk about it tonight, i dont like to talk about things this serious, but i'm going to have to talk about it tonight: we are in the middle of a pumpkin shortage. and apparently halloween fun is threatened! i think that might be exaggerating a bit, i mean halloween wont be cancelled just because theres a pumpkin shortage, that would be like cancelling 'jon and kate' because they were short one douche bag. nobody has cancelled this show because of a lack of entertainment value. according to the article, the pumpkin growing season was especially rainy, and thats why theres so few pumpkins, and the pumpkins that survive are going to be smaller than usual. its just a matter of time before the pumpkin shortage will be a political issue. the democrats will blame the global warming for the pumpkin shortage, the republicans will blame michael moore for eating all the pumpkins. i'm going to go with the republicans on this one...'+ larry king of the jungle
- tim robbins
- adam goldberg
= dierks bentley
10-12-09
+ 'its a great day for our neighbors to the north', craig ferguson shares, 'up in canada its canadian thanksgiving, so happy thanksgiving, our canadian friends! thats why i'm being positive! canadians are positive and upbeat, they are perky and they enjoy knit wear! thats why i'm doing it. their thanksgiving is just like our thanksgiving, but they eat the traditional canadian meal of hockey pucks stuffed with back bacon...'+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book. kristen bell
- david boreanaz
* mitch albom
10-09-09
+ 'today is not just a normal friday', craig ferguson reminds us, 'its leif ericson day! now, not everybody loves leif ericson day, 'who craig?', well let me tell you! the italians dont. see, leif ericson is considered by historians to be the first european to land in north america, but italians are like 'what about christopher columbus?' leif ericson arrived in north america 500 years before columbus, but he was a viking, and vikings get a bad rap. cause columbus got a whole city named after him in ohio, but what did leif ericson get? he got leif gerrett named after him, leaf blowers... all right all right, i'll try to stop punning on leif. ill leif it alone. oh, thats a re-leif. anyway, historians argue over who discovered america, was it leif ericson or colombus? personally, i think its very hard to discover something if there are people already living there...'+ dear aquaman with tim gunn
- gerard butler
= phoenix
10-08-09
+ 'i am angry at news organizations', craig ferguson informs us, 'they print garbage and pass it off as the truth. what happens is one newspaper prints it, and then the others pick it up, and everyone believes it. the news channels are just as bad. like on cnn, right, they read out what people are saying on twitter. how is that news? thats like going to the street corner and talking to the guy who's barking at the sky. thats not news! i thought cnn stood for cable news network, not crazy nightly nuts! now, i dont want to sound like grandpa, like 'why dont they make good shows like matlock anymore?' like when walter cronkite read the news you knew it was the news. mainly because he ended the broadcast saying 'and thats the way it is'. and then if you said 'no, i actually heard something...' 'no, thats the way it is.' i guess i only trust news from wrinkly old guys, i guess thats why the most trusted name is larry king.'+ dear aquaman with tim gunn
- jean reno
- sophia bush
10-06-09
+ 'did you see kiss on letterman?' craig ferguson asks, 'i mean the band kiss, not the other thing. kiss was on letterman, i just watched it cause we're live! i'm live, the audience i'm not so sure about... no they are here, they're just not in a good mood. kiss have got a new album out, it the first in 19 years. i once saw kiss in concert. it was just before my 30th birthday, i was just about 2 months sober. i know, it wasnt a smart thing to do... i went to see kiss and right before the show there was a giant sphinx head and i thought 'oh, this is going to be good', and the giant sphinx head was right there, the lights go dark, and the music started to rumble, and then lazer beams shot out of the sphinx's eyes, and i'm like 'oh yes!', then smoke starts coming out of the sphinx nostrils, and the mouth opens up and inside was kiss and i thought 'oh man, being sober sucks!'.'+ dear aquaman with tim gunn
- julia louis-dreyfus
= avett brothers
10-05-09
+ with the big scandal with david letterman, craig ferguson weighs in: 'well, i guess by now you've all figured out how i got the job... oh, man. i mean, just for a second, put yourself in my position. i'm sure you already know, david letterman, the king of late night television, unless you believe the nbc press release, the king of late night television, got himself into a little bit of a situation which he's dealing with, is my boss. and my job is to take the number one news story of the day and have a bit of fun with it... now imagine that your boss is caught with his... no, that's a bad example. your boss in a situation where he is caught in an embarrassing situation, and your job is to be funny about this while keeping your own job. so, this is my last show... but i will say this, if we are now holding late night talk show hosts to the same moral accountability that we hold politicians and clergymen, then i'm out. i'm gone. because i dont think ive kept it a secret from you that i have a few incidents from my past. but i made the smart move and wrote them down in a book. its called 'american on purpose' available in all fine bookstores near you. i feel very bad about this, because i like a bit of danger in my entertainers. i like my musicians to be drug fueled. because if you want entertainers to be squeaky clean, then what are you going to be watching? jonas brothers. exactly. now, it's not for me to comment- actually it is for me to comment! argh! let me just say this: i have enjoyed working here. and i'm going to do my darned to keep working here. but if i inadvertently say something that gets me fired... then i hope its funny!!!'+ tim meadows talks about the olympic decision to go to rio
craig on dave
on september 24th craig ferguson made an appearance on 'the late show with david letterman' in support of his new book 'american on purpose'. it's always fun to watch craig when he's on other people's shows, he's a lot more reserved and he really behaves himself. he's not nearly as strange as he is on his own show, he probably feels like people might actually be watching him...watch the whole episode here.
10-02-09
+ 'there's a movie opening today that i really want to see,' craig ferguson admits, 'its called zombieland. theres no confusion in the title, you know what your getting with zombieland, its about a land full of zombies! i love zombies, cause if theres any monster that could riverdance, it would be zombies! that's what i'm hoping for, riverdancing zombies- i can see it on broadway now! horror movies are supposed to be allegories for what humans wrestle with. like dracula is a metaphor for sex, you know, the penetrating fangs, they crave the flesh, all that. but you'd think all the maidens in transylvania would think to shut their windows at night, but they are all kind of like 'oh, this breeze feels so good on my boobies, oh, i cant get to sleep without sticking my lady's business out of the window. oh, the transylvania night air, makes me glad i'm visiting from england. i always come here for my vacation...' the vampire thing is a metaphor for sex, dr. jekel and mister hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism, he drinks a potion and becomes a monster. i know exactly how he feels... i dont know what the zombie is an allegory for- maybe stoners, thats what it is. 'must eat brains... or twinkies.'.'- tim gunn
- colbie smulders
= lynyrd skynyrd
10-01-09
+ 'when i was a kid growing up,' craig ferguson remembers, 'even just the word china represented something exotic and mysterious to me. when i was a kid, my dad would make something he called 'chinese eggs', which was a huge treat, he would only make it when my mother wasnt around and he had to cook. it was a boiled egg with toast cut into little squares, and mashed up in a cup. and i would say to my mom 'mom, dad made us something special, you dont know what it is, its called chinese eggs!'. she said 'its just boiled egg, your fathers a drunk.'.'- patricia arquette
-dominic cooper
9-30-09
+ 'do you know what's happened?' craig ferguson asks, 'this is big news, my favorite show 'jon and kate plus eight' has been cancelled. but its coming back as 'kate plus eight' cause jon's been cancelled is what i'm saying. to be honest, i've never seen 'jon and kate'. see, all i know about jon and kate is from magazine covers or from joel mchale's show 'the soup'. and all i know about kate is this: she's got eight kids, and she's got some sort of weird reverse mullet haircut thats the wrong way around, its like party in the front and bussiness in the back. thats what i know about jon: he is a horses ass. how do i know that? because he wears the ed hardy t-shirts.'+ oom-ra and craig communicate via whistle tubes
- jenna elfman
> dom irrera
9-29-09
+ 'i was on the view', craig ferguson admits, 'and i showed my tattoo because barbara walters wanted to see it. and if barbara walters wants to see something, you take your pants off and show her! and then i showed her a tattoo. she said 'oh, i like that', she was nice about it and everything was fine. and later on i met some people and this lady comes up to me and says 'i don't like your tattoo'. thats ok, because it's not for you, its for me. then she said 'oh, tattoos arent rebelious, everyone's got a tattoo right now. everyone has one'. i said 'do you have one?' 'no', 'that's why i have one'. 'they're not rebelious', 'i know, but you don't have one. i have one. which makes me cool'.'- james spader
> cathy ladman
9-28-09
+ craig ferguson shares some osborne news: 'at age 60, ozzy osborne finally got his driver's license. so congratulations there to mel gibson who is no longer the most dangerous celebrity on the road. what i cant believe though is that ozzy osborne is only 60 years old! i mean, come on, he's always 'argh..' wow, only 60?!? i think it makes you look old if you eat bats, clearly. bats are the bacon of rock and roll.'- chris o'donnell
> paula poundstone
9-25-09
+ 'its been crazy this week', craig ferguson tells us, 'you know what's happened? r. kelley released a new song, right, and its called 'number 1'. is that really the best title of a song if you are the guy who got arrested for going wee wee on someone?!? now, i offer that up as a discussion, i'm not saying thats a joke, its just a discussion. maybe in your book club you could discuss that. i'm like oprah, only poor.'+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book: marg helgenberger
- ted danson
* christopher miller and phil lord, directors of 'cloudy with a chance of meatballs'
9-24-09
+ 'tonight is the season premier of the mentalist', craig ferguson reminds us, 'it was on earlier on cbs. 'what's that show about?' i hear you mentally thinking. its about a detective who's powers of observation are so great that people think he's psychic. dont confuse it for the show 'psych', which is on another network, thats about a cop who's powers of observation are so great that people think he's psychic. but its nothing like the mentalist at all. psych show, the mentalist show, they are as different as 'wife swap' and 'trading spouses'. the mentalist is a fantastic show though, it really is. i've never seen it. the mentalist is so observant he can tell what people are thinking, he's like a woman in a mans body. i know exactly how he feels... now, listen, if you don't want anybody reading your mind, just do what i do: wear a tinfoil hat!' craig really cracks himself up with that one! 'ha ha! i love that idea! wear a tinfoil hat, they wont have to read your mind, they will just see that you are crazy. oh, what am i saying? you are watching this show, you are probably already wearing a tinfoil hat!'+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book: reba
- jason schwartzman
- angela kinsey
9-23-09
+ 'it's a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson again declares, 'its also a great day of ireland! today is the 250th anniversary of guinness beer. i may have crossed paths with guinness in my life... 'what made guinness famous made a looser out of me!' irish people took to the streets today, drinking and throwing up on each other, and you should have seen them when they found out about the anniversary! 'craig, you're reinforcing national stereotypes' yes, i am.'+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book
- jennifer love hewett
* ken tucker
= arctic monkeys
9-22-09
+ the intro segment starts with craig ferguson turning around with a marker under his nose, looking shocked like we caught him doing something bad, 'sorry, sorry, i was just... i was just seeing what i would look like in a yellow moustache. i wasnt really sniffing a pen, those days are behind me. no, i thought would i do that for a joke? will i sniff a pen in the beginning as a joke? then i thought i cant, cause then people will be outraged and like 'oh', the pen sniffers of america will be like 'how dare you mock us', then there will be other people saying 'pen sniffing is a serious problem'. and it might be, it might be, i don't know. there might be a whole area, dr drew's dealing with people who are like 'i started off on ball points then went crazy, i thought it was harmless, just a pencil every now and then...'. let me tell you something: pencils are the near beer of pens. that doesnt even make any sense, that. you that i dont drink anymore, i know. no, i dont, i havent drank in a long time. and this is how i am without drinking- can you imagine? oh no no, you wouldnt be applauding, you'd be running. i dont drink anymore and people say 'oh, you can have a near beer.' i'm like 'no'. if i have a near beer, i'm near beer. and if i'm near beer, i'm close to tequila. and if i'm close to tequila, i'm adjacent to cocaine. and if i'm adjacent to cocaine, i'm in jail. see? you see how it goes? thats the natural flow of things.'+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book
= reba
- dave annable
9-21-09
+ craig ferguson starts the show's intro segment with the crocodile hand puppet named wavey. wavey begins by saying 'hey everybody! what a do? i've come to tell you something that's kind of embarrassing for the scottish conan guy. we've been looking at the market research for the show. hey everybody. the most popular part of this show, i'm not kidding you, is me! wavey! yeah! ha ha! yeah! and they said it couldnt be done by a cold blooded killer!' then craig comes in with a sad face, 'its true... people love puppets though, puppets and animation. thats what they want. they don't want some fat old douche in the middle of the night.'+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book
9-11-09
+ 'there is a movie opening today called 'whiteout'', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm very excited about it, finally a movie about liquid paper! 'in a world where people make mistakes, there is a fluid that covers them up...' do people still use white out? nobody writes on paper anymore, people write on the computer. i still use white out though, i go through five computer screens a week! ha ha. don't laugh, i know is isnt funny before i said it, but i said it anyway, and you know why? because i'm optimistic, thats why. you know who invented whiteout? the mother of mike nesmith, who was the guitar player in the monkeys. thats why mike never participated in any of the monkeys reunion shows. he's like 'screw you guys, im heir to the whiteout fortune, i dont need you!' but of course, the glory days of correctional fluid are over now, the money will be drying up. next year he'll be putting on the monkey suit and the little wooley hat singing 'cheer up sleepy jean!'...'+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's new book
+ the rather late programme with prince charles
- drew carey
- mindy kaling
ew book interview
with the release of craig ferguson's new book 'american on purpose', he has been making the rounds to support it. one place he has shown up in is the pages of entertainment weekly. he stopped by and gave a brief interview about what people can expect in the pages of his book. here is an excerpt from that interview:Craig Ferguson is exposing himself. He's rolled up his cuffs to examine a sore spot on his leg where he fell off a horse. ''It was a f---ing Clydesdale as well,'' he says, then adds, ''When you fall off a horse, you should get back on it, but I didn't.'' Which is weird, because the actor, comedian, and Late Late Show host always gets back on the horse. Not always for the better. The first time he drank, he got wildly sick and punched a policeman — so he kept drinking and became a spectacular alcoholic. And when he was chased off stage for his misanthropic comedy character Bing Hitler? He kept doing the character and kept getting chased off stages. American on Purpose, Ferguson's raw, funny new memoir, is full of stories like these, and he rarely fares well in his own telling. ''That's the idea, isn't it?'' he asks. ''It's an autobiography — it might as well be honest.''
find the rest of the interview here.
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