9-26-12

+ 'wait till you hear, you are going to be so jelous', craig ferguson teases, 'we here in california are getting driverless cars.  they are the cars that run completely on sensors and gigabites and ipods and stuff.  they do it.  california governor jerry brown signed legislation today to make it happen.  soon we will be able to buy a car that will drive itself.  wow!  what next?  bread that toasts itself, gum that chews itself, nfl games that referee themselves?  i dont know if driverless cars will affect us here in l.a., its not really a car town...  no, the driverless car should be available in about ten years.  i'm thinking 'wow, by then i'll be almost 40... just in time for my first midlife crisis.  i can buy a big convertible that drives itself and i'll sit in the back and do something private.  like cry.  whilst masturbating   in the olden days people had to pull a crank to start their cars, now with cars that drive themselves, you can pull your crank!'
- jim parsons
= dispatch

10-12-11

+ 'all across the country, of course, the big news is the occupy wall street thing', craig ferguson states, 'the protests are still going on, they started off strong, and now they are huge! which just goes to show you, you give something tiny a little attention, a little love, and it will grow and it will grow... 'craig, are you using this culturally significant social movement to make a lame penis joke?' yes i am. its in my blood, its what i do! as far as i can tell though, the protesters are against government corruption, corporate corruption, and rich people. so i'm like 'alright, sounds good to me'. rich people are bastards, its true. rich people arent watching this, they've got cable! they are though, they put their names on buildings, they gobble up our national supply of caviar, they buy up tropical islands and hunt poor people for sport! they do! 'now i hunt the greatest game of all: man!'. last week the police were using pepper spray on protesters. thats frightening! what if they are spraying the protesters with condiments so the rich people can eat them! in new york the protesters are getting pretty rowdy. this morning they gathered together, they overturned donald trump's hair and set it on fire. i dont advocate criminal activity usually, but this time i'll make an exception.'

- jim parsons

= cake

2-02-11

+ 'its groundhog's day today', craig ferguon states, 'its on this day that the people of pennsylvania force a groundhog out of its lair and then if the groundhog bursts into flames, it means global warming is closer than we think. no, if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter. if he doesnt, everyone can put on their bikinis and show off there boobies. you too ladies. i love that movie 'groundhog's day' though. its one of those movies thats so entertaining you dont realize that it claims a deep spiritual message, like 'its a wonderful life', or 'busty cops 3'. busty cops 1 and 2 are so superficial. what i'm saying is the movie groundhog's day is a great metaphor because bill murrey is forced to live the same crappy day over and over and over again. he has to live the same day over and over again until he changes his self destructive habits. its not very hard for me to relate to that...'

- jim parsons

9-22-10

+ the show starts off with craig ferguson on the set of 'big bang theory' trying to become friends with the guys.

+ 'tonight is big bang theory night!' criag ferguson exclaims, 'we've got everybody, weve got jim parsons is here, johnny galicki is here, simon helber is here, kunal nayyar is here. kaley couco wont be joining us today, i'm sorry. she broke her leg. anyway, if youve spent the past few years in a cave and dont know the big bang theory, let me explain it to you. not the show, the theory. the theory is very simple really, about 14 million years ago there was a bang. and it was really big. basically the idea behind it is that we are living in an explosion. we are in a constantly expanding universe, its like we are living in a giant explosion. its as if the entire universe were contained in larry king's pants. the big bang theory of the universe is very controversial when it came out. albert einstein didnt believe it at first. he said the universe has been the same size forever. he eventually saw the error of his ways and called it 'the biggest blunder of his life'. i'm like 'really?' thats the biggest blunder? you disagreed with a couple scientists for a while? you never drunk dialed an ex girlfriend? 'hey, this is albert, how you doing? this is a booty call, can i come over and split your atom?' anyway, the guys from the big bang theory are here today!'

+ jim parsons stops by to help answer the tweets and emails

+ michael caine in space. the idea is expanded on and michael caine is on a space ship with simon helberg and kunal nayyar from 'big bang theory'.

- johnny galicki

6-10-10

+ 'researchers still dont know the purpose of sleep', craig ferguson says, 'its one of life's great mysteries. like why do men have nipples? i know why... i have to admit i dont get much sleep lately. not with the new twilight movie coming out. i'm like 'will bella choose edward or jacob? i dont know what i just said... i never really appreciated sleep until i had a little one in the house- boy that midget keeps me up at night! no, i'm talking about when you have a baby in the house. sleep researchers say that when you have a baby you loose 700 hours of sleep in the first year. but its worth it when they get big enough to do the yard work. which is usually about six months... according to research, older people need less sleep. i dont know why. i think its because you dont need a lot of energy to play bingo. do you know that americans spend 600 million dollars a year on sleep aids. and by that i mean pills. i am a little nervous taking pills, and coming from me, thats a big thing to say! i dont take pills, except for the pills that are advertised on cbs- they are awesome! and in no way habit forming... the sleep aid i use most is usually something along the lines of self massage. cbs doesnt advertise any products for that, unless you count the sham-wow, of course. i tried counting sheep at night but that doesnt work- i get too turned on! their little hooves, their come hither fleece, the way the taunt me whispering in my ear saying 'craig, youve been very baaaad'. back in my drinking days it was easy to get to sleep, you knock back a couple bottles of vodka and right to sleep. i never had a problem with the bed wetting because, for the most part, i enjoyed it. wake up to a little pond. the vodka really did the trick for me, i'd sleep like a log. sometimes id wake up in one of those too...'

+ jim parsons stops by to help with tweets and emails

-> wolfgang puck craig even wears safty goggles?

12-11-09

+ 'do you know the hell of presenting a television show every night where you just talk?', craig ferguson asks, 'i'll tell you, you never know what offensive crap you are going to say next. this is why, what happens is this: the people like me, who are basically just wiseasses and just talk for a living, we would start doing these shows. we would just come out and say anything. soon we were saying things and people would go 'hey, you cant say that!' and they would be right. we were just talking. now what we do is we have scripts. we look at these scripts and ponder over them and lawyers come in and go 'yes, i think that would be acceptable for small americans' or you know, what ever it is, the group of people who would be offended by your 'comedy'. but heres the problem: i think i goes to far sometimes. cause what happens is, i had an idea for something to do on the show and one of the lawyers said 'i think this is in poor taste'. and i said 'yes, thats kind of what we do'. he said 'yeah, but i think its in poor taste'. i said 'you dont have taste, your a lawyer!' i said 'i dont care, is it legal?' see what happens is, everybody is an expert in comedy. if it doesnt make you laugh, its not funny. in drama you can get around it, cause if somebody says they liked it, you can say 'oh, you liked it did you?' 'what, you didnt like it?' 'no, i didnt like it.' then you can say 'oh, you probably didn't get it'. comedy is the opposite, 'oh, thats the kind of thing that makes you laugh? i only laugh at intelligent things.' now, i have something to tell you: if you only laugh at really intelligent things, its slim pickins here.'
- jim parsons
= they might be giants

best guests

as with anyone, craig ferguson has his favorites. as a tv show host he has many, many guests on his show, but there are always those special few who he has a closer bond with. and every time they are on it is television gold! in my opinion, there are three guests in particular who craig seems to enjoy above all others. when they are on you can just tell he is having a blast- and so is the guest! below is a list of (in my opinion) who are his top three guests:

ewan mcgregor- i've seen him as a guest twice now, and each time has been outrageously funny! they obviously have a long history together and are close friends. when ever ewan is on, its absolutely apparent that they are having a blast. they both become like giddy school boys messing around! both times ewan has been on he has done a guest spot on the skit 'espn uk', wearing a wig and a mustache which never stays put. these sketches have become the funniest moments ever on craigs show.

jim parsons- jim comes on fairly regularly due to being on 'the big bang theory', another cbs show. jim and craig are great fun to watch together because jim is a very intellectual person who tries to be funny, and craig, also an intellectual person, plays off that by being even more ridiculous and silly. jim plays it straight and pretends to not get craig, and craig plays it funny pretending not to understand jim- the classic laurel and hardy formula!

billy connelly- obviously another friend of craigs, the two of them have a great chemistry and rapport. i cant quite figure out if its a father/son relationship, or an older brother/younger brother sort of thing, but either way, the two of them riff off each other to great effect!

am i missing anyone? who do you think is the best when they are along side craig?

6-23-09

+ a lot of people confuse american idol with america's got talent. they are not the same thing, they are very different. america's got talent isn't just people singing, they've got dancing, they got magicians, they got guys who juggle balls. although to be fair, i think american idol had some guys who juggle balls this season too... anyway, i'm looking at the america's got talent show today, and here's the amazing thing: the winner gets a show in las vegas and a million dollars! you might think 'man, now thats a prize!' right? then you find out the money gets payed out over 40 years. thats true! that means that the winner gets a show in vegas and 25 grand a year. now, according to estimates, 25 grand is a poverty level wage, but its poverty for 40 years- guaranteed! so, even if you win, you loose.

+ craig talks with governor arnold schwarzenegger

- jim parsons a light is out over his head, so he sits in the farther of the two chairs- hilarity ensues!

3-12-09

+ 'do i look grumpy to you tonight?' craig ferguson asks, ' probably because its a full moon. is it a full moon tonight, or was that last night? i dont know, lets look out the window and see...' craig goes to the background image of the skyline, 'oh, i forgot, its a child's drawing of a town. sorry for being cranky, i'm sort of like a bad tempered werewolf. that's probably where the legends of werewolves come from, you know, when there's a full moon, i get cranky. if you will, its my time of the month. hey, if you can get a chance to get angry once a month so can i! you want equality? you got it- here it is! thats right! ...i look forward to your emails.'
+ the rather late programme with prince charles
- jim parsons
= sara bareilles

11-14-08

+ shocked, craig ferguson talks about how a movie studio recently 'announced movie plans for 'monopoly'. its official: hollywood is out of ideas. agents all over town are calling their clients 'can you play a wheelbarrow? what about a hat?'.'

'the new bond comes out today. now, of course sean connery is the best bond, but theres been arguing over who the second best bond is. we already know who the best is, arguing over the second best is like arguing who's the second best member of 'tom petty and the heartbreakers'! whats the point?!?'

- jim parsons from big bang theory.

= ray davies

11-13-08

+ remember that person who got a sex change, but then got pregnant? well, craig ferguson shares that 'tonight barbara walters has an interview with the man who got pregnant. its called 'what is a man? what is a woman?' now, i thought i knew! a man has a peepee, a woman has a shoe collection. they both love them, admire them for hours, lie about their size...'

+ dear aquaman

+ sketch of the new bond film with sean connery as bond again, with jim parsons playing the evil bad guy- very funny!

- andy richter (craig and andy were in 'larry the wonder dog' together. both of them thought it sucked! i saw it and i must say they are not wrong...)

= cold war kids

+ at the beginning of the show one of the workers of the show, megan o'toole, cut her long hair from locks of love, the cancer charity.

10-01-08

+ pirates took over a ship in somalia, craig ferguson tells us. the funny thing is that its filled with russian tanks! 'the pirates are holding them for ransom,' craig shares, 'first they asked for 45 million dollars, then 20 million, now 5. i think they have my agent negotiating for them, using the same technique he used to get me this job...'

'a lot of people think captain crunch is a pirate, but he's not. he is a legitimate navel officer who makes delicious breakfast cereal- take that frankenberry, you lazy pink bitch!'

+ 'white trash style tips' with tim gunn

craig has a strange dream about the vice presidential debate.

- jennifer love hewitt

- jim parsons. the funny nerd from 'big bang theory'