7-13-09

+ 'people are freaked by bruno and the gay stereotypes' craig ferguson shares, 'most audience members are smart enough to know that not all gay people act like bruno, unfortunately there are some people who don't realize this, and these people are called 'morons'. morons use a funny movie like bruno to reinforce their ignorant ideas, and they always ruin it for the rest of us. 'i dont want those gays in my neighborhood checking out my ass.' no one's checking out your ass, not until you loose fifty pounds and get a belt that matches those shoes, mister! what i'm saying is of course bruno is a ridiculous gay stereotype. its like the stereotype that all scottish people wear kilts, eat haggis, and are careful with their money. its nonsense. as you see i am not wearing a kilt. its cause i spilled haggis on it, and the dry cleaners want six whole dollars! there's another stereotype that we have a special relationship with sheep. i dont have anything to do with sheep- i've had my heart broken too many times...'
- selma blair
- connie schultz

7-10-09

+ craig ferguson must be getting pretty frustrated about the late night wars, because tonight he went into a sarcastic sing-song rant on why his show is maybe not doing quite as well as the rest: ' welcome back to the biggest show in late night! doo dee dee- quiet band! oh, lights! graphics graphics graphics! 'A' list guests stopping by for a chat! promotion from the network, advertising in newspapers! oh wait, thats everybody else. welcome back to the one you have to find for yourself. but i'm glad you made it here, we are a small select group of people. we will call ourselves 'people who like cats.'
- ray romano
- michael buble talks and sings. he sure was funny too!

7-09-09

+ 'its day three of the running of the bulls in pamplona spain', craig ferguson shares, 'you know i went there in the 1990's once, i believe... no, i did, in 1990 i went to the running of the bulls, but day three i was sleeping in a dumpster and had my ass gored twice! and i hadn't yet run with the bulls... 'wait a minute crag, are you implying that you were a blackout drunk with promiscuous sex going on everywhere in the 80's and 90's?' i'm not implying, i'm categorically stating it! ah, good times...'
- jeff goldblum
- dr. lisa masterson
> avi liberman

7-08-09

+ 'the los angeles city council has declared war on marijuana dispensaries' craig ferguson informs, 'now if you dont know what a marijuana dispensary is and i'm guessing noe of this audience has any doubt what it is. 'dude, yeah, its a store where you can legally get marijuana!' yes. its supposed to be for medical reasons, for glaucoma, tunnel vision usually. strangely, half of los angeles is suffering form the scourge of tunnel vision! 'oh, the tunnel vision is so bad- and this combined with my restless leg syndrome! i'm in hell!' it's an epidemic here, glaucoma, it's worse than botox and lying about your age! i'm 31, by the way.'
- julie chen
- micheal ian black

7-07-09

+ craig ferguson shares his memories of michael jackson: 'i actually saw michael jackson perform live in concert. it was a spectacular show. i wasn't a huge fan of michael jackson, but i went because it was michael jackson- thats how big a star he was. when someone said michael jackson is on, you went! at the end of the concert i was like 'wow! that is amazing!' at the end of his concert he flew off in a jet pack! it was awesome! there were two hours of singing and dancing and crotch grabbing- and that was just me in the audience, nevermind what michael was doing on stage! it was amazing, it was an amazing concert, i was like 'wow!' it was in london at wembley stadium, the old one. it used to hold 70,000 people- can you imagine: 70,000 english people singing along with micheal jackson? 'billy jean is not my lova, oy govna!' it is though, the end of an era, michael jackson was the biggest star in the world for years- for years! these days the biggest celebrity changes every ten minutes, thanks to youtube. first it was susan boyle, then its a cat playing the piano, then its a fat guy getting hit in the nuts or something. which i admit is always funny, but michael jackson was a hit for years. he was a music icon, he was. he changed pop culture forever. he was like frank sinatra, elvis, or the beatles. i remember when sinatra died many people would say 'he was the soundtrack to my life' most of those people were in the mafia, but it's true... the music of a true icon lives forever. in the 80's, what i'm saying is that michael jackson was the soundtrack to many people's lives. not mine, in the 80's my soundtrack was just 'glug glug', maybe a little 'sniff sniff'... i'm not proud of it, i'm just telling ya what happened. anyway, what i'm saying is this: i'm not going to pretend like everyone else in the media that i didnt make jokes about michael jackson, i did. michael jackson was an icon, and i am an iconoclast and its my job. when i make fun of celebrities it's nothing personal. i would like to say tonight to the millions of people all over the world, to his fans, to the friends, and of course to the family of michael jackson, our sympathies are with you.'
+ ask aquaman
- evan rachel wood
- christopher gorham

the great puppet challenge!

on monday night craig ferguson created a new contest on his show: the great puppet challenge! often over the past several months on his show, craig has been using puppets in his introductions to the show. he started out with a monkey puppet, and has since included many many more. some times he uses one, other times (usually when craig does a musical number at the top of the show) he uses six or more at a time! now he has decided to find out which one is the audience favorite, which is the best puppet! here is you chance, go here to vote on which of craig's puppets is the greatest puppet in 'the great puppet challenge!'

7-06-09

+ 'last week i was on a USO tour in europe' craig ferguson shares, 'USO, its a great organization, God bless em. what USO does is send celebrities to perform for the troops. when they run out of celebrities, they send me! 'don't our troops suffer enough?' 'no, send ferguson!' anyway, the first stop was kosovo. its very close to serbia. its so close in fact, that the serbians think its theirs, thats kind of where the problems begin... anyway, i'm sure parts of the former yogoslovia are very beautiful, but where we were, camp bondsteel, may not be the one they want to promote in the future. the first thing you notice when you drive in from the airport to the base, theres this law in kosovo that you don't have to pay taxes on a building if its not finished- so none of the buildings are finished, none of them! everything is under construction all the time- its like cher for miles! and the USO, a very dignified and great organization, they have a very tough rule: you cannot make fun fo the local environment. and i'm thinking 'well, this is unfair!' i mean, i am a professional comedian, not a very good one but a professional, i am driving through half built villages filled with vampire counts, where the whole town shares one bushy eyebrow, and i can't make fun of them?!? thats like inviting clinton to hooters and telling him 'only touch the food, bill!'.'
- eric idle

4th of july special

this year craig ferguson again hosted the 'boston pops fireworks spectacular' on CBS. 'happy 4th of july! this is my third year hosting this incredible party! a lot has changed for me personally over the years. the first year i was here i wasn't even an american citizen, the second year i became a citizen, and now i'm just an average american dude kicking back and having a bbq, lighting off fireworks with a million of my closest friends!'
through out the telecast craig would come on and introduce everything that was going on, from performances by neil diamond, to the amazing fireworks in boston!

a lady of insignificance

a skit parodying stuffy british dramas, here craig ferguson plays 'a lady of insignificance', a woman who is trying to find love. it is presented as a preview for a movie, showing who is in it and the cast includes all kinds of different craig impressions: sean connery, michael caine, angela lansbury, and many more! what, no aguaman?!?

6-26-09

+ craig ferguson often misspronounces words, but goes with it. he has a great skill of turning his mistakes into humor. today there were a couple examples: 'the gentelman who directed transformers is michael bay. he makes all the movies about explosions and testerone. testerone? 'dont you mean testosterone?' 'no, no i dont' 'whats testerone then?' 'well, its like testosterone, only its european!'. oh, it's friday, what do you want? i've had a long week! anyway, michael bay makes all the mu... musicals? yeah, musicals. he makes musicals!' then craig breaks into a showtune song 'transformers! hey hey hey!' 'look, i know it's crap, but i'm trying! actually, i'm lying to ya- i'm not even trying that hard... michael bay makes all the movies with explosions and testosterone is what i'm trying to say. oh, i wanted to talka bout it, but we've run out of time!'

+ 'a lady of insignificance' skit

+ dear aquaman

- lisa kudrow

> james frey

= chairlift they are pretty good!

6-25-09

+ 'its national catfish day!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'it was actually started in 1987, catfish day, by president regan, so thank you mr. president! you took the time out of single-handedly defeating communism to give us catfish day. probably not what you are best remembered for, but you did do it. catfish go their name cause they look a bit like cats. i'm running low on crap about catfish day... no, they're called catfish cause they've got the wiskers, and they look a bit like cats. now, cats the animals, not the broadway show 'cats', but they can do jazz fins!'

+ dear aquaman

- larry david he seemed obviously amused with craig!

-> wolfgang puck

6-24-09

+ 'all im saying', craig ferguson explains, 'is that its a sad state of affairs when a politician who's always banging on about family values gets caught banging on. this would be like if al gore was caught using four s.u.v.s bringing his lunch to work. over the past couple of years theres been a whole lof of scandals involving governors. first there was the governor of new jersey with his secret gay sex life, which is like 'oh, that makes him quite interesting!'. then there was governor spitzer who was like 'i hate hookers, except for the ones i hire'. blagojavich taking bribes and wearing a beaver on his head. you know it's pretty messed up when the most normal governor of the last decade has been jesse 'the body' ventura!'

- mary steenburgen

= bettye lavette

> todd sawyer

star trek

when the new star trek movie came out, craig ferguson had a skit showing what william shatner tried to do to get in the film. it shows shatner, played terribly by craig, trying to get on the set of the movie. the whole thing fell apart pretty quickly as craig kept breaking character and admitting how terrible his impression of shatner was!