8-13-08

+ 'its day three of my olympic boycott and its going very well,' says craig ferguson, 'i have, ive boycotted it, im having no part in the chinese government! i havent watched a minute of it. except for the three hours i watched last night, and every night since it started... i ahve to keep my eye on the enemy: damn you michael phelps, you have breast stroked your way into my heart!'

'last night was woments gymnastics and china took the gold. the american gymnasts are complaining that the chinese girls arent old enough, they are saying that some of the chinese gymnasts might be as young as 10 years old. im thinking: im sorry, if the excuse theyre using is 'they used a ten year old girl', then maybe your 'sport' might not be a sport! you would never hear that excuse in a real sport! its not like in the NFL youd hear a coach say 'i want you guys to go out there and play like ten year old girls!' that doesnt happen in real sports!'

- julie chen. craig does his weekly check in with the residents of the big brother house.

> hugh moore

< ron irizarry. he won a contest to write a theme song for the movie 'henry poole is here'.

8-12-08

+ despite craig fergusons olympics boycott, all he does it talk about it! tonight he discusses swimming. 'swimmers shave their entire body to swim faster,' he shares, 'during practices some swimmers wear stockings, they say its to help build endurance because it increases the drag. well, yeah! put on a little sun dress and some high heels too and it will really increase the drag!'

+ olympics highlights with john tesh

- kiefer sutherland

- kate mara

big guests

i must say, i have been a bit surprised by craig fergusons guest list lately. it seems that he might be getting more credibility because his guests have certainly started getting more A list then usual. the big stars usually go to dave or jay, but it seems recently that they have been appearing on craig too! will ferrel, jack black, robert downey jr. these are bigger names that craig is used to.

im not sure what this upgrade could be attributed to. perhaps its due to the increase in ratings. for the past few months craig has been routinely beating conan (which makes me happy). although, i bet its something easier to explain. its probably due to the fact that the olympics have taken jay and conan off the air for these two weeks.

hmm. ill just say its due to the fact that craig is the best, and all the stars are starting to realize it...

8-11-08

+ 'heres something you might not know about the olympics,' craig ferguson tells us, 'i hate them. dont get me wrong, i love sports. i like real sports like baseball, football, soccer, even rugby... well, thats not a real sport, thats just violence with a ball. the olympics has a lot of stuff going on that has nothing to do with sports, if you ask me. running around with a streamer is not a sport, its a parade!'

+ dan mcvicar, an actor from the soap opera 'the bold and the beautiful' stops by to give craig some melodramatic troubles.

- robert downey jr.

- amy smart

8-08-08

+ marijuana seems to be the topic of the night. craig ferguson shares a story of a time, in his twenties, when he and a friend enjoyed an 'herbal cigarette' and got really hungry and poured a whole huge box of bran flakes into a big bowl and just dug in. while shoveling in the cereal his friend freaks out and runs out of the room. craig looks down and finds what his friend saw: a dead wasp in the bowl! he said that he has never been more scared in his life- and ran out of the room screaming too!

+ tim meadows reports from china

= toby keith. talks and sings

- colin hanks

8-07-08

+ ah, finally things are back to normal. craig ferguson talks about going to the eye doctor because he needed new glasses. he tells us that the experience was awful and complains about the really crappy service, 'im not going to say what company it is, but it rhymes with nenscrafters...'

- jack black

- tom arnold

= conor oberst and the mystic valley band

8-06-08

another lost episode due to the power outage, fortunately though, it is the last one missed.

and i would guess that it was one of the funniest things ever to appear on television. and i missed it. oh, cruel world...

by the looks of it, even craig ferguson is sad that i missed the show. careful craig, i dont want you to drowned.

8-05-08

another episode missed due to lack of power, thanks power company...

this one featured paula patton and regis philbin. it was almost certainly funny, but i am not able to give you many more details. my guess would be that at some point in the monologue he made fun of donald trump, paul mccartney, or kenny rogers. just a guess...

8-04-08

unfortunately, due to the effects of 'stormwatch: powerless! '08', i was unable to watch this episode.

it featured cheryl hines and harry shearer, and im sure it was hilarious, but alas, i shall never know...

8-01-08

+ 'mummy 3: tomb of the dragon emperor' came out today, and craig ferguson talks about his love for egyptian history.

+ skit of craig meeting with cbs scheduler who wants him to host 'americas got herpes'

- rainn wilson. hes trying to get a new term for butt to catch on: thigh caps. i like it.

> cory kahaney

= the hold steady

goodnight email

craig ferguson has another new email song. this time it is done in the style of a childrens lullaby, with craigs head on all the little children singing. the best part is that craigs face is also the man in the moon!

7-31-08

+ craig ferguson declared that he wants a farm. he says he will start with a cow, then get pigs. 'i love pigs, they are very smart animals, not smart enough to know not to be delicious, but theyre very smart. you know what i wouldnt have on my farm though is sheep, because there is s scottish sheep stereotype. it is filthy, hurtful, and it is a stereotype and i dont want to perpetuate it. plus i dont trust myself around sheep... those gorgeous wooly bitches...'

+ murder she wrote '08 skit with mary steenbergen

- will ferrell. this must have been filmed back in the middle of july because hes sporting his mustache again.

# jean-michel cousteau

7-30-08

+ there was a big earthquake yesterday, craig ferguson shares, 'its actually quite nice the day after something like that, people come together after a natural disaster like an earthquake, or a fire, or an eddie murphy movie. people are much nicer to each other, come on, we can get through this...'

'when ever there is an earthquake there is always someone who says 'my cat knew!'. oh, come on! if pets could tell the future, my dog would still have testicles!'

- julie chen craig talks to the big brother house members

- michelle yeoh

* tom sullivan

- ls3. craig says that there was an audition going on next to his office earlier that day for an mtv thing and he heard these three guys singing. he was quite impressed and asked them to be on his show, no auditions necessary! they have a very good three part harmony.

7-29-08

+ today there was an earthquake in los angeles, craig ferguson informs us.

it seems that edgar mitchell, the 6th man to walk on the moon, says that aliens have been visiting earth and working with the government since the 50s. craig wonders if we should believe him just because hes been to the moon.

+ an emailer asks craig if he could interview an invisible man, craig says lets give it a try, and proceeds to interview an invisible sean connery.

- jet li

= belinda carlisle talks, and sings

7-28-08

+ today marks the beginning of 'shark week', craig ferguson early shares.

this past weekend craig played a lot of shows in las vegas, so he tells a bit about his time there. 'for a long time vegas was known for the crimes that took place there: racketeering, prostitution, carrot top...'

''las vegas' is spanish for 'the meadows'. why would they call it that? ill tell you why: because it sounds better than 'the inhospitable desert thats hotter than satans ass', thats why!'

+ eric idle, with bagpippers

+ nancy travis

7-25-08

+ craig ferguson reminds us that the x-files movie is coming out today. he talks about david duchovny, remembering that he was craigs first guest on when he took over the show. 'he smells like ranch dressing...'

+sean connery skit with aisha tyler where he holds auditions for a new bond girl.

- xzibit

= griffin house

7-24-08

+ today is national tequila day, craig ferguson tells us, 'that means tomorrow is national wake up in a dumpster day!' craig then begins discussing what is going on with the presidential candidates, 'obama was in germany and 100,000 people showed up. there was so much shouting and screaming that france surrendered just in case...'

- amanda peet

* lance morrow

7-23-08

+ there is a new season of 'mindfreak' on, craig fergsuon informs us. 'that chris angel sure wears a lot of make up, huh?' graig admits that he used to wear make up too, to look like a punk rocker back in the day, 'i try to wear it now, and i just look like an ugly woman.' he asks 'why does chris angel wear it? because it makes him mysterious... just think about it, whats the most mysterious animal? a panda. trust me...'

+ fake arnie interview

- wayne newton

- les stroud host of shark week

= curt smith former singer of the 80s band 'tears for fears', hes actually pretty good!

email indian style

a new email time jingle showed up this week, this time in the style of indian music. it even featured craig ferguson as the indian god with 8 arms. craig laughed at it and claimed hes going all 'boolywood' on us...

7-22-08

+ there is a new show on lifetime called 'how to look good naked', and craig ferguson has a ball cracking jokes about it.

+ an email asks 'have you ever been arrested, and what for?' craig responds 'come on, you know ive been arrested. a lot. when i was younger i was arrested, and you know what the charge was? drunk and incapable. what the hell is that?!? thats not a charge, thats an insult!'

- julie chen craig even had a live feed to the 'big brother' house and got to chat with them life for a couple of minutes.

- adam scott

= ricky skaggs and kentucky thunder

7-21-08

+ with obama on his middle east trip, mccain is complaining about the media only covering him, craig ferguson tells us, 'ive got a solution to all this mud slinging that makes everyone happy: president batman!'

+ craig mentions that he just got back from the 'just for laughs' comedy festival over the weekend. he has gone since the late 80s and talked about how he always hated the older comics thinking 'no one over 30 can be funny', and how they were all bitter and hated the younger comics. this year he started to realize 'im now one of the old guys i used to hate at these things! i was so annoyed with the young comics, i felt like john mccain at a hanna montanna concert.'

- aisha tyler

- jarod miller host of 'greatest american dog'

= keaton simons

7-18-08

+ with the new batman movie coming out, craig ferguson is quite excited, mostly due to the great cast. 'its got michael caine, who i always love. its got morgan freeman, and hes great. he makes every movie he is in worth watching. he narrated that 'march of the penguins' movie. that movie made a ton of money, because penguins are interesting? i think not. no one gives a rats ass about penguins. penguins? theyre like cold pigeons.'

+ fake michael caine interview

- mary steenburgen

# chris angel puts eye makeup on craig

7-17-08

+ the gong show is back, craig ferguson tells us. 'by the way, never trust a rock band that has a gong behind the drum kit, because it means your in for a very bad drum solo. i always wondered, if you are a gong player do you have to carry it around in a big gong case? like, people on the train asking 'so, what instrument do you play?' oh, guess. the giant pancake...'

+ ask aquaman skit

- ron perlman

> rita rudner

7-16-08

+ craig ferguson walks on the stage, sits at his desk, and addresses the audience in a very serious manner: 'my fellow americans, our long national nightmare is over. i shaved off my mustache. dont you ooh me, you bastards. ive never been so hated in my life! ive been divorced twice and i've never met the kind of bitterness ive got for trying to grow a mustache!'

+ 'larry king of the jungle' skit

- ben kingsley

# popovich comedy pet theater

changes

just a quick observation: craig fergusons sound effect machine is gone! ever since craig has first been on the air he has had a little machine next to his desk that he would often press buttons on, which made different sound effects. most often he would use this during a return back from a commercial, saying 'welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys' and then play a monkey sound, or he would say we were naughty and use the whip cracking sound. usually he would use several back to back. another important function was that he used to press a button that would play a mooing sound at the end of his show and say 'well, thats the cow of time, looks like its time to go. good night everybody!' but now with the recent change to craig ending with a show summary he hasnt been doing the cow of time for a while now. he must have figured that it was an opportunity to loose some of the clutter. ill miss some of the sound gags, but its also good that craig is always changing things ups and trying to stay fresh.

7-15-08

+ what will we learn on the show tonight, craig? craig ferguson informs us that 'we will learn what people think of the mustache, including my mother. and prince charles will be stopping by, ive got a sneaking suspicion that hes growing a mustache too!

+ craig runs up the the camera and quietly whispers 'i hate the mustache! but i feel ive committed to it. i dont know what to do. if i shave it off im weak, if i keep it i itch all night long, plus i look like im trying to sell you a car. i dont know what to do...'

'the rather late programme with prince charles' skit

- julie andrews

# raymond crowe puppeteer

vegas email

in honor of 'vegas week' this week, craig ferguson unveiled a new vegas email jingle. there already was an email time jingle with a vegas theme, but that one was done in the style of frank sinatra. this one is more of a vegas showgirls style jingle. even the silly paper cutout of craig singing has a mustache!

7-14-08

+ what will we learn on the show tonight craig? during this first segment before the theme song craig sits there with his hand covering his face. 'tonight we will learn what is under my hand. its dirty, its hairy, and it smells delicious...'

+ this week is vegas week! 'its a great day for america everybody, because i have grown a mustache! i shall name him rudy. oh, im seeing it on the monitors for the first time. i think i look like a sleazy actor- what am i saying? i AM a sleazy actor!'

- chris isaak (talks and sings)

- debbie reynolds

a little preview

recently craig ferguson has added a new segment to his show. a couple months ago craig began to summarize the show after the last commercial break, asking what we had learned that night. mostly is was an excuse to revisit the jokes from the earlier.

this week though, craig has added a quick segment aired before the show officially begins. its called 'what will we learn on the show tonight, craig?' it serves the same basic purpose as the post show summary, but now it is attempting to entice the viewers with what silly jokes are to come. a very good idea. that way when he gets the the jokes he mentioned earlier we can laugh a little more now knowing that we are in on the silly joke.

6-27-08

+ today craig ferguson is celebrating because its mdagascars Independence day. he talks about the island and some information about it. 'there are many strange animals there, hissing cockroaches, lemurs, and an interior decorator who isnt gay.'

+ tim meadows report

- holly hunter man, the way she talks really annoys me...

6-26-08

+ three weeks ago craig ferguson gave up coffee. he shares that is was tough at first with the headaches, but now its great. 'although im going to need something to get cranky for the rants on this show now, cause im very upbeat. maybe i should get married again.' which is immediately followed by his uproarious laughter.

+ murder she wrote skit. i must say, they are getting better...

- james mcavoy

> bengt washburn

6-25-08

+ according to a new report, craig ferguson tells us, 'many in the netherlands think the world will end in 2012 because that is when the mayan calender ends.' craig goes on to mention that that is ridiculous, but then show a death clock graphic just in case. only 1639 days left!

- sigourney weaver

* stanley bing

= three 6 mafia

6-24-08

+ craig ferguson mentions that there is a new family feud show on now. he remembered watching it growing up and it being the first time he had ever seen scottish people on tv, 'well, except for scotty on star trek...'

+ henry winkler comes on to share his tips for making the most of a vacation.

- chris o'donnell

* laurence block

= phantom planet

6-23-08

+ wimbledon is on this weekend, and craig ferguson does not spare us his opinion. 'i dont like tennis, its not a sport, its gay waving with equipment!'

+ an emailer has a good question: why do they sing 'take me out to the ballgame' when they are already there?

oh, and craig gets a new feather!

- david hasselhoff craig tries on his glasses

- miriam shor

= amos lee

6-20-08

+ 'the love guru' comes out today, craig ferguson says, 'and critics scammed it saying you need more than an accent and crappy wigs to make comedy. and i say no! that is not true!...'

+jk rowling show skit and outtakes, which were hilarious

- jeffrey tambor

= fratellis

6-19-08

+ the top ten new species list for 2008 has just been reveled, craig ferguson tells us. the rhino horn beetle was on the list. craig tells us 'people thought that a real rhino horn is thought of as an aphrodisiac. when europeans first discovered potatoes they thought raw potatoes were an aphrodisiac too. actually raw potatoes is a very serious syndrome you get from wearing damp trunks for too long...'

- billy bob thornton

> lewis black

= boxmasters (billy bob thornton is the lead singer)

larry king of the jungle

this is a segment that places larry king swinging on a vine dispensing wisdom. the latest in a line of strange juxtapositions of famous people and places, such as michael caine in space, and sean connery in a study telling stories of what happened on this day in his life. very random, but really quite funny!

6-18-08

+ on nbc there is a new celebrity circus show, craig ferguson mentions. 'i went to the circus as a child. they always had elephants in a circle and hawaii five-0 theme song. because when i think of elephants, i think of hawaii.'

another thing craig always wondered about the circus: 'lion tamers. they defend themselves with chairs. since when did the king of the jungle become afraid of chairs?!?'

- don cheadle

- olivia thirlby

6-17-08

+ the mars lander that they sent up has found a white powder on the surface of mars, craig ferguson comments, 'scientists are baffled, lindsey lohan hasnt been anywhere around mars!'

+ craig writes a letter 'dear nasa, ive heard you found white powder. its not mine. but if you need someone to, you know, check it out, give me a call...'

- virginia madsen

= john hiatt

* darin strauss

6-16-08

+ 'i am exhausted!' craig ferguson informs us. this past weekend he had been traveling all over doing stand-up gigs. he went to detroit, ontario, and edmonton. 'i must apologize for all the bad things ive said about canada, they treated me wonderfully this weekend. their actually very nice, just like real people...'

+ fake hillary clinton interview

- alfred molina

* salmon rushdie

6-13-08

+ 'ohh, its friday the 13th!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'its ok, im not superstitious, im just stitious...'

craig mentions that 'the incredible hulk' is coming out today, and explains 'what happens is that he swells up when hes angry. i can do that too, well not all of me...'

+ betty white comes on as an oil company representative. when asked why she was doing that she says 'it seems that consumers find my voice comforting when getting the shaft.'

+ murder she wrote skit

- elizabeth perkins

= augustana

6-12-08

+ craig ferguson shows us a picture of a unicorn that was found in italy 'turns out that unicorns are real!' he tells us. 'scientists say its just a deer with weird mutated genes, but i dont believe them.'

+ bush visiting the queen skit

- jenna fischer hot!

-> wolfgang puck

6-11-08

+ with the new james bond coming out, they have released the first preview for it. craig ferguson talks a bit about the new movie. he talks about the reports of so many injuries happening on set. it seems that daniel craig recently cut off the top of his finger. hes fine was was back to work the same day, but craig had an idea: 'they should replace the tip of his finger with some james bondy type gadget! they should replace it with a laser! its not big enough for a killer laser, maybe just one to point around and annoy people at the theater...'

- stockard channing. lots of talk about her narrating the show 'meerkat manor'

- bill engvall

email sock hop

craig ferguson introduced another email time jingle, this time it was in the style of 50's sock hop music. it was all in black and white and featured girls with poodle skirts and an ice cream guy, all with craigs face on them! creepy...

6-10-08

+ 'its a good day for america, everybody' is how craig ferguson always starts his show, but today he continued with 'but not such a good day to be a tomato...' the tomato scare has just started, and craig talks about this during his monologue. he refers to the old song about pronouncing the word tomato, 'you say tomato, i tomahto'. 'i used to stay tomahto, but now im an american. who says potahto? terrorists, that who!' craig comes to the realization of what this tomato shortage means: 'no tomatoes means no ketchup- mustard, this is your big chance!'

+ an email asks if craig has ever done voice work for cartoons, and he talks a bit about voicing a villain for the buzz lightyear cartoon.

- carl reiner

- rachel dratch

celebrating the 4th

this year craig ferguson hosted the '4th of july bosten pops fireworks spectacular' on cbs. it was really cool to see him celebrating the 4th of july. i think the reason he hosted this year is because of his new citizenship.

he did a great job, mostly he just welcomed us and introduced different songs played by the boston pops, and announce the beginning of the fireworks display. its obvious that his intros were scripted, and that made it fun when he so obviously disregarded them! hes always been great at improv, so why not let him use that skill, huh?

6-09-08

+ a new survey shows that radio listening is down, craig ferguson tells us. 'its mostly due to teenagers not listening. all the worlds problems can be blamed on them: radio listening down... global warming...' and then craig realizes that hes starting to sound like andy rooney 'oh those kids...'

+ tim meadow reports

- betty white

- evan handler

= mgmt

6-06-08

+ kung fu panda comes out today and craig ferguson talks a bit about it: 'i dont buy it. pandas dont need kung fu, they are bears, they already have fighting skills. they are vicious and always getting in fights, thats why theyve got the black eyes...' craig admits that that is the lamest joke they have ever done, well, actually the fifth lamest joke. then one of the interns comes in with his list of five lamest jokes, and he goes over them to make sure it fits there. it does...

'my dad taught me many things, such as: dont trust a man with a beard, you dont know what hes hiding...'

+ panda mating skit, then fake craig is at the desk and real craig comes out dressed up as guest sean connery. then, a prince charles skit

- poppy montgomery

> drake witham

6-05-08

+ craig ferguson talks about how there is a new show on cbs called 'swingtown', and hes shocked that they can get away with so much on that show. 'im four hours later, and i cant even say the name of an animal that rhymes with 'cleaver'!'

+ ask aquaman skit

- jeff foxworthy. wow, hes a lot funnier in interviews than he is doing his stand-up!

- chelsea handler

6-04-08

+ 'we now have our presidential candidates', craig ferguson shared, 'hillary just kept going on and on. you know who she reminds me of? the knight in that monty python movie! you cut off an arm, 'oh, its just a scratch, im fine', hes just a head 'come back here, ill bite you, you coward...''

+ arnie skit

- jane kaczmarek

- greg proops