+ 'in scotland this weekend they celebrate burns night', craig ferguson shares, 'it's a huge event over there, its like st. patricks day and super bowl sunday all wrapped into one- there's a lot a drinking is what i'm trying to say. hurrah for alcoholism, you sick bastards... it's a day to celebrate the poet robert burns, who is considered scotland's favorite son. this sunday they celebrate his 250th birthday. he's a national icon, and its no wonder, cause during his lifetime he was an out of control drunk with a string of illegitimate children!'
+ 'inside the world of acting', with sir cornwell barnes


+ 'today was the first day for hillary clinton as secretary of state', craig ferguson tells us, 'she's now in charge of all foreign affairs. bill clinton will still handle all domestic affairs... she's going to be out of the country a lot!'
'john mccain is on larry king live tonight, they talked about the biggest threat facing them both today, which is teenagers on their lawn.'
+ larry king of the jungle


+ every night craig ferguson starts with a short two minute bit where he tries to get everyone to stay tuned for the show, usually he doesn't have much to say and often resorts to using puppets (which is usually very funny!). but today he's got something different: 'i know what you're thinking, 'he's got nothing to say', well you're wrong!' craig informs us, 'cause you know what i just heard? in washington dc president obama is retaking the oath of office. did you see it yesterday? there was a bit of a flub. there's an argument over if its obama's fault, or john g roberts jr's fault. oh, you'd know thats his name if you'd recently taken the citizen test! i had never heard of him before that, and lets be honest, neither had you. anyway, so he gets to take the oath of office again! i don't know if that's fair, i don't get to do this show again if it's crap, and lets be honest, it often is. maybe that's why they don't let me do it again, cause it'll just be crap again. so i will promise you this, loyal viewer. mrs. henderson in cincinnati, margaret, if i may call you that. could you imagine if you are someone called margaret henderson sitting in cincinnati going 'what the hell is this?!? how did he know about me?' oh, i know about you margaret- put on your house coat woman!'
+ talk with former president bush and vice president chaney
- trace adkins talks and sings, and he's actually pretty funny too!

the soup

on the E! channel there is a show called 'the soup' hosted by joel mchale where he makes fun of the weeks television shows. joel has been on craig ferguson's show quite often. the last time joel was on craig asked him when he would get to be on 'the soup' and joel said whenever he wanted. being true to his word, craig was on 'the soup' on january 30!
joel mchale starts by saying 'on this week's episode of '24'...' and craig steps into camera and says 'woah woah woah! you can't just tell us whats happening on '24'!' joel responds 'hey! it's the star of the conveniently named 'late late show with craig ferguson', craig ferguson! i have to tell everyone what happened on '24', how else am i going to kill a minute of tv time? it's not like you can just ramble on for a solid minute and make everything entertaining and then just say 'it's reality show clip time' and hope it all makes sense!' craig replies 'you're saying something about my show, aren't you? you're saying that what i do on my show is go on and i ramble on and what i say doesn't make sense and i hope its entertaining! your saying that about my show, but let me tell you something, mister. but i dont go out there and tell them what's happening on '24', you don't want to tell them whats happening cause they might want to watch it again. and your going to ruin it cause 'ooh, look at me, i'm joel mchale with my skinny tie, and ooh, look how tall i am, i'm 25 foot tall! well you know what, pal? fuck you! and fuck your show! oh, it's reality show clip time!' the whole time craig kept busting up laughing and couldn't keep the smile off his face. he came back a couple minutes later to mock the show 'the city' from mtv.


+ today is inauguration day, and craig ferguson is excited. 'two million people were there in washington dc to see it happen, there, in the cold. now, i think obama owes a debt of gratitude to bush for that. the only reason the crowd was that big was because they were unemployed and they have the time. it was very emotional, some people in the crowd cried, the liberals i'm talking about mostly, haven't cried this much since... well, quite recently, i suppose. they cry all the time, they've got feelings 'boo hoo, i spilled my latte in my prius, boo hoo, now how will i get npr?'
+ u2 backstage at the inauguration
- joel mchale
= the submarines


+ 'it's martin luther king jr. day today', craig ferguson mentions, 'and isn't it fitting that, on his last day in office, president bush takes a holiday? it seems like the whole country's got inauguration fever, or at least 52% of the country, the other 48% seem to be immune... all the hotels in washington dc are overbooked, a lot of v.i.p.'s have got nowhere to stay. things are so bad, 'how bad are they craig?', i'll tell you how bad they are- things are so bad that bill and hillary have to share a room!'
+ michael caine in space
- jeffery dean morgan man, this guy is funny!


+ craig ferguson shares 'i read somewhere that women like scary movies so they can jump in their boyfriend's arms, which is a waste of money. if you really want to be scared, ladies, you should date a violent unpredictable drunk. yah, if you want to be scared... if you want a chick flick, date a gay guy. there you are, cause there are only two types of men out there, apearently: gay or violently unpredictable drunks. or, in very rare cases like myself, a dangerous hybrid of the two...'
+ michael caine in space

michael caine in space

one of my favorite bits, in this short recurring segment craig ferguson dresses up like michael caine in an astronaut suit and gives short little stories about being michael caine. usually it has something to do with 'shagging birds' or some wild party from the 60's. the best part is just hearing craig's spot-on impression of michael caine!


+ 'did you see that airplane landing in new york?!?' craig ferguson asks amazed, 'it's a great day for the people on that flight! wow! as far as we know all aboard are safe. it appears what happened is both engines went out when the plane hit a flock of geese', the crowd laughs, 'sure, you're laughing cause you're sitting here, you wouldn't be if you were sitting on the damn plane! the captain, sully sullenburger, he executed a water landing with no power. that's insanely difficult what he did, that is an amazing bit of flying. the only thing they lost was their luggage, and that was going to happen anyway...'
+ michael caine in space


+ its an important milestone today and craig ferguson explains it to us: 'its a great day here at cbs, one of our own, broadcasting legend andy rooney, turns 90 years old today. congrats andy. if cbs is lucky, we will enjoy your trademark complaining for years to come. i don't understand why andy is so angry, he only works three minutes a week! the last andy rooney i saw, this is absolutely true, he was complaining that he had too much stuff in his kitchen drawers. what the hell is that? prime time cbs: a 90 year old guy complaining about his utensils 'don't you hate it when you have too many spatulas?'.'
+ a talk with a dick chaney impersonator


+ craig ferguson reminds us that 'obama starts work in one week, and president bush is giving his farewell address tomorrow night, it's going to air on three major networks, and nbc as well... obama starts next week and iranian protesters took to the streets today and they were burning posters of obama. i was thinking 'aw, come on! he's not even in office yet! i don't even think these guys are angry, i think they just like fire. i think it's just winter in iran, they're cold! 'oh come on, no one will know...'.'
+ dear aquaman


+ 'the detroit auto show is this week', craig ferguson informs us, 'the american automakers are showing off their cars, unfortunately the companies didn't get as much in the bail out as they thought they would get, so a ticket to the show costs 1.3 billion dollars, but its worth it! i like how at the auto show you look at all the cars and there's always a hot girl next to it showing it off. any car looks better if theres a hot girl on the hood! i don't know why they are there, is it so you know where the car is? 'hmm, i kind of don't recognize cars when i see them... oh look! a hot girl- oh a car is underneath her!' i feel bad for those models as well, cause it's the same question all day 'do you come with the car?' 'do you come with the car?' 'do you come with the car?', and the answer is always the same: 'no craig, i do not. put your pants back on and get out of here!'.'
- john corbett talks and sings
- tracie toms


+ always the perveyer of new movies, craig ferguson informs us that there are two new ones coming out. 'the first one is called 'bride wars', it's like 'star wars' for the ladies. its about two young ladies on their wedding day. it stars kate hudson and anne hathaway, because who knows more about healthy relationships than kate hudson and anne hathaway?
the other movie is 'unborn', about a girl with an evil twin. i think its based on the life of the olson twins. one of them is good, the other is evil. what are their names again? thats right, mary kate and osama...'
+ tim meadows reports from the golden globes
> paula poundstone performs and talks


+ with the consumer electronics show going on this week, craig ferguson has some things to share about it. 'lexus announced they have a talking car coming out. i don't need a fancy talking car, all i need is a smooth ride, comfortable seats, and a cup holder. it's all about the cup holder for me, i used to have an english car, but i had to get rid of it because it only had a cup holder for tea. and the GPS was very snooty, it was an english GPS. it would talk like 'what's a scottish guy like you doing in a fancy car like this? you can't afford this!'.'
+ rather late programme with prince charles


'led zeppelin announced they're making a new record!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i know! that's awesome! one catch, they're making it without robert plant. jimmy page said they are auditioning new singers. you can't do that!- zeppelin without plant, that's like the blowfish without hootie, like simon and garfunkel without garfunkel... actually, thats a really bad example.'
- william shatner he reinacts a strange real-life seal rape scene.
+dear aquaman


+ 'it's armageddon week on the history channel', craig furguson shares, 'and i'm very excited. all this week it's specials about the end of the world. you know, a cheery start to the new year. they've got all the signs, they're studying them, and all the signs are there: they've got the four horsemen, plague of frogs, me getting married.... last night i watched a special on nostradamus, he predicted armageddon, he wrote 'there will be a great war in europe'. thats really going out on a limb, isn't it? europe is a densely populated continent full of countries that hate each other, and have for thousands of years. that's like predicting a politician will have a sex scandal, or oprah will go on a diet. many people say, of course, the best way to predict the future is to study the past- don't tell that to my new wife!'
+ dear aquaman
- marisa tomei