+ 'today i'm very excited bacause today is a holiday in scotland: saint andrews day', craig ferguson informs, 'i'm scottish and i was hoping that cbs would give me the day off. but, of course, the didnt because they are bastards! so i'm thinking i should try a new tactic: tell the people at cbs that my show is filth and they shouldnt watch it! spoiler alert- everyone already knows that! i cant believe cbs is making me work on saint andrews day, thats like making george washington work on the 4th of july, itsl like making collin farrel work on st. patricks day, its like making the octomom work on mothers day, its like making donald trump work on april fools day, its like donald trump's hair work on groundhogs day, its like making larry king work on fathers day, its like making woody allen work on 'take your daughter to work' day! anyway, saint andrew's day, st. andrew is the patron saint of scotland, also the patron saint of russia. now russia and scotland are very different, of course, one is a cold place with a bloody history of drunk people and... actually, they are very similar! anyway, st. andrews is one of many holidays celebrated in scotland, you guys dont know about them, there's st. andrews day, there's susan boyle eve, haggis-akka, shamesgiving. i know what you are thinking, 'craig, why is st. andrew the patron saint of scotland?' well, legend says, and i'm making this up remember, legend says that st. andrew was the saint who gave god the idea for sean connery!'
- tim meadows
- mayim bialik