moulin rouge dancers

'you know how when we were in paris a couple weeks ago, or a month ago, or two days ago, or depending if this is a rerun it could have been last year', craig ferguson begins, 'when we were in paris with the show, we were kind of like on vacation. you meet people, you bump into people and you say 'hey, if you are ever in l.a., come and look us up' because they arent going to look you up. well, when we were there, and when i say 'we', i mean me on my own wearing a raincoat. we went to the very famous moulin rouge, the place in france where the naked ladies dance! we said to the dancers while we were there we said that anytime they are in los angeles they could come on by. and the did.'

the dancers do a whole production of their show, but this time with no nudity...

9-14-11

+ 'its a great day for america, but not such a great day for scarlett johansson', criag ferguson shares, 'really? i dont know, if i woke up and was scarlett johansson i would be like 'yeah!!!'. scarlett johansson's phone was hacked and nude pictures of scarlett were leaked on the internet today. so, i'd like to take a moment to bid goodnight to any 18-34 year old males who havent heard about this. why 18 to 34 year olds? so guys who are 35 are like 'scarlett johansson? thats kids stuff, i'm not interested. i'm 35 now, i'm not interested in scarlett johansson...' also today, the show entertainment tonight premiered on this day in 1981. so in the show's honor we would like to look back at all the important stories it featured.' awkward silence... 'thats all of em!'

- danny devito

- olivia munn

unknown musician on craig

criag ferguson often invites people from the audience to come up and chat with him during the first segment of the show before the monologue, usually it is attractive young ladies. well, this time he brought up two french girls and talked with them for a bit. he found out over the course of the conversation that one of the girls is a singer/songwriter: 'so, what are you doing in l.a. ladies?' craig asks.

'i'm a singer and songwriter' marine, the dark haired girl states.

'are you any good? do you want to be on the show? did you bring a guitar with you?' craig inquires.

'no i dont' she replies.

'well, thats going to get in the way then. you should be on this show! do you have a visa?'

'i dont, can i borrow yours? you have a visa to perform?''yes'

'yes'

'we should have her perform on the show! we'll get you on the show and you can sing! can you sing one of your own songs? that will be cheaper for us!' craig exclaims.

'i will, yes'

'oh, we will do it then! this will be great, then people will say 'this is where marine started, she started on that very show!' thats great!' craig gushes and asks the other girl 'do you sing too?'

'no, i dance.' the blond girl replies.

'you dance?!?' craig questions, looks to the camera, 'hey you, watch a couple commercials, daddy's busy...'

at the end of the show craig shares 'so here's the thing, at the start of the show we met two lovely french girls. one of them is the singer 'rookie'. she is going to sing us one of her songs. you agree now, in front of the entire country, that you are not going to charge us for this?'

'no' she states, and goes on to perform a song she wrote and plays the guitar.

check her out on twitter here!

9-13-11

+ 'its a great day for us in television today', craig ferguson shares, 'when i say 'us in television' i mean other people. i'm not really in television, i'm just a creepy guy in a basement. its a great day for the world of daytime tv because anderson cooper's new show started today. this guy is on CNN, on 60 minutes, he's now on daytime tv- this guy is everywhere! he's like a male ryan seacrest! listen, if you had to pick a CNN reporter to host a daytime show, anderson cooper is the perfect choice. nobody wants to hear wolf blitzer talk about how to spice up your sex life- nobody except me! call me wolf, i'll give you a situation... in the ads all over town they are trying to lure us in with his beautiful dreamy blue eyes, but he is a serious journalist. he's been to places torn apart by violence: the middle east, bosnia, 'the view'- he's been all around! now, some people are saying that anderson could be the new oprah, and then these people are struck by lightning! dont you mess with my oprah! i think anderson will do great on daytime tv, good luck anderson! he's been there before, he's substituted for regis over 40 times. i've been on regis a few times as well. and i did his show!'

- lauren graham

= rookie

9-09-11

+ 'you know what i'm excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'the new movie contagion. its about a terrible virus, millions are affected, their eyes rolling back in their head, its like a milder version of bieber fever. but i'm excited about this movie because its directed by steven soderburg, he's the guy who made ocean's eleven, which is a great movie. he's also the guy who made ocean's twelve, so it evens out... but, contagion has a lot of stars in it, matt damon's in it, marion cotillard, jude law, gwyneth paltrow, mirna lloyd, fatty arbuckle, everybody is in this movie! this movie has more diseased celebrities than a pool party at the playboy mansion. you know, i've been to that mansion, i've seen that grotto- oh my lord! i thought it was a large turine of soup! you know what makes this movie different? they kill off a lot of stars. now, thats not a spoiler alert because its in the trailers and commercials. in the first ten minutes of contagion gwyneth paltrow dies, but i think thats just a way of getting people to go and see it.'

- alfred molina

- brie larson

9-08-11

+ 'its a very iconic day in television history', craig ferguson shares, 'its on this day in 1966 that star trek first premiered. 45 years ago today americans gathered around the tv and asked 'is that guy wearing a toupee?' tonight, of course, opening night for NFL. i got together with all my buddies, turned on the big screen, settled down for the annual right of fall. thats right, its the start of fashion week today! 'are you ready for some fashion?!' its fashion week, it starts today and new york is cockahoop. if you dont know about fashion week, its like shark week but for gay dudes. not just gay dudes, but for anyone who likes clothes. its where all the top designers go to new york city to unveil their latest collections. clearly i am very into fashion. this look is called 'creepy uncle'. i dont dress like this all the time, when i go home i wear a hat... i hate shopping for clothes, they always look better on the mannequin. actually, those mannequins look pretty hot without their clothes. am i right, people who have sex with dolls? anyway, everything i learned about fashion, which is what i'm talking about, i learned from project runway. although i have to admit, they lost points with me, project runway, because they had kim kardashian on as a guest judge. what?!? she dresses like a vegas hooker! wait, thats mean, i apologize, i'm sorry vegas hookers... the very first fashion week ever was held in new york during world war 2. the designers wanted a showcase for their fashions because they thought they were getting less attention because of the war. see, now who says the fashion industry is self centered and shallow?'

- tim meadows

- bill bailey

9-07-11

+ 'its a joyful day for me in l.a. and for all of us who are parents', craig ferguson shares, 'because the kids go back to school today! ha ha! yes! off you go! see you later kiddies! or for the children of l.a., 'adios, los ninos!' 'craig, are you implying...' yes, i am implying! anyway, this week, all around the country, millions of kids are back to the three 'r's, readin', writin', and ritalin! my kids actually love going to school, well not the youngest one, he's only eight months old. he's not at school yet, he works as a chimney sweep. yes, thats right, my eight month old son is a dickensian chimney sweep in los angeles of all places! its adorable, his first words were 'ello govna!' anyway, its back to school time, time to break out the ol' slate and ink well and leather book strap. this is how long ago its been since i was at school, i'm not kidding, i remember calculators came out while i was at school and the school had to decide if it was ok to use in class. i learned some very important skills on that calculator, like how to turn it upside down and spell 'boobs'. thats how i ended up here! before the calculator we used the standard mathematical tool in scotland, where i grew up, the potato.'

- james marsden

-> wolfgang puck

9-06-11

+ 'welcome to hollywood california, welcome to the late late show, i am your host, tv's craig ferguson', craig states as the applause quickly dies down, 'thats good, lets get straight to the awkward pause, shall we? 'craig, you dont normally do the awkward pause that early in the show?' i know, thats what makes it awkward. it is a great day for a beautiful actress and a friend of the show, the lovely mila kunis. she was voted 'sexiest woman of the summer' in a poll by moviephone. 'if you know the name of the woman you would like to masturbate to, press one! press it again! faster!' the oscar news is out, right here in hollywood its been announced, eddie murphy is going to host next years academy awards. fantastic news, i say. the oscar producers say it was a tough call picking a host, it came down to eddie murphy and anyone not called james franco... i'm still angry about that, by the way. if you dont have to be there, then why the hell do i have to watch?!?'

- lisa kudrow

# richard engel

9-05-11

+ 'happy labor day, everybody!', craig ferguson exclaims, 'the president was in detroit today, he gave a speech about employment. he wanted everyone to know he was is very concerned about jobs. especially his own, i would think! you know labor day was started in the 1880's by president grover cleveland. he was a democrat and was booted out of office after one term, but then he was reelected after four years. whats my point? there's hope president obama, you are a young man. 'craig, who's side are you on?' oh, everyone's... anyway, this is our day to salute the millions of americans who punch the clock five days a week and then go to work. its not easy times for the american worker: the wages are stagnant, job growth is near zero, and worst of all, we are going into an election cycle so you know its going to be chock-a-block with politicians pretending to give a rats ass about anybody having a job or not. 'oh craig, are you implying that politicians are sleazy lying bastards?' yes! 'craig, wait a minute, you mean the politicians on the other side, dont you?' sure, whatever you have to tell yourself. 'who's side are you on?' fucking nobody's!'

- julie chen

# annie duke professional poker player

careful, icarus

craig ferguson and geoff peterson have recently become obsessed with the line 'careful, icarus'. but why? craig explains 'see what happened is geoff was tweeting, he was on the tweety and was tweety tweet tweet about how awesome he is and how great a job he does, and then someone tweeted him back and said 'careful, icarus' and he got all mad! you got all mad didnt you?'

'i got worked up, man!' geoff responds.

the two of them spend the rest of the episode warning each other to be 'careful, icarus'! this was some of the funniest banter between craig and geoff in a long time- hilarious!

one example: 'its labor day weekend! hurray! i'm excited, i get three days away from here! oh, thats right, two days cause i dont get monday off because i'm an immigrant!'

'careful, icarus' geoff taunts.

'that was my name and they made me change it when i came through ellis island! i came through and they said 'name' and i said 'icarus', they said 'no no, that will never work in late night'.

'its the late late show with icarus!' geoff retorts.

9-02-11

+ 'its labor day weekend of course, very exciting', craig ferguson states, 'the summer is not actually officially over, but as far as hollywood is concerned, its the end of the summer. there's no more summer movies, thats it. the only movies opening today are the low budget horror movies. i had a bad experience the last time i saw a horror movie, i peed myself. i dont mean in the movie, i mean right now just as i remembered it! no, the movies opening today are 'apollo 18', which is about scary stuff on the moon, and 'shark night 3D'. i have no idea what its about, its probably about sharks. at night. cause sharks are not scary enough during the day, apparently. 'come on, lets swim over there near these sharks' 'are you mad? they are sharks!' 'yeah, but there's still plenty of daylight left. we'll swim over near the sharks, then we will go back to the beach and then we'll go up to dracula's castle. it'll be fine, its daytime!' 'why do i hang out with you, you're a lunatic' 'yeah, but its daytime!'.'

- lindsay sloane

- peter krause

9-01-11

+ 'its very exciting if you love the broadway shows', craig ferguson states, 'but this season on broadway is great, they've got a musical version of bonnie and clyde coming up which will go along with the musical version of spider-man, which is actually doing well! anyway, we've got our own broadway here on the west coast, right now in the middle of the desert, burning man is going on. if you dont know what burning man is, its hard to explain. its very hard for people to explain what burning man is, usually because the people trying to explain burning man are very high! its where 50,000 people get together to make music and make art and express themselves. and by 'express themselves' i mean get naked. although, guys, if you are going to burning man, be honest with yourselves, its not about looking at art and running around, its about trying to see naked women in the desert. and then you go and its just dudes! i might go, actually...'

- kathy griffin

* lynette rice writer for entertainment weekly

= lenka

8-31-11

+ 'its not a great day for one american today', craig ferguson states, 'one man in ohio was arrested after he was caught having sex with an inflatable raft! first of all i'm like 'thats illegal? land of the free my ass!' i didnt know it was illegal to have sex with a raft! whats the statute of limitations on something like that?... he got caught because he was in a store! he got caught in the store having sex with a raft which was for sale! it wasnt even his raft! he got caught cause the owner of the store said 'stop!', actually he probably said 'finish up and then just pay me for the raft'. the saddest part is though after the man was arrested he admitted that the whole time he was thinking about the skinny little canoe across the isle. in other news, something weird happened in vancouver, which is in canada. the police found a human foot washed ashore. just a foot, nobody attached to it, just a foot. the vancouver police said its the most horrifying thing they had ever seen at the beach. then the people in ohio said 'you didnt see the guy humping the raft!'.'

- leslie bibb

> louie anderson

8-30-11

+ 'the new cast of dancing with the stars has been revealed!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'and yes, the rumors are true, i was indeed approached to be a contestant, but it fell apart because they used a word i had never heard of before: rehearsal. i'm like 'no! you mean i go there and do it but thats not actually the show, thats just a practice show?!? no!' but they have got big names this season, they've got that guy from that thing, the annoying chick who gets on everybody's nerves, and they've got a kardashian of course. its a male kardashian but its not kloe! i'm like 'wha?!?' i didnt even know there was one! its like the marx brothers, its the zeppo kardashian!'

- chi mcbride

# ariel tweto

8-29-11

+ 'here on the west coast we are still cleaning up after last night's music video awards', craig ferguson jests, 'at least i'm cleaning up- i experienced major flooding in my pants! did you watch the mtv video music awards? i watched every minute of it! i love seeing all the happenin' bands, you know, like the spin doctors and the wang chungs and the kingston trios. they are all still happening, right? i only watched some of it, only about 3o seconds. i tried to watch it all, but i couldnt- real housewives of new jersey was on! can you believe jaqueline and ashley are fighting again?!? now, vma may stand for video music awards, but i felt it was more like vulgar mouthed adolescence! am i right elderly people? see, after watching vma's for a while i felt like a creepy dude who wont stop hanging around with young people. whats the name for someone like that? oh, thats right- kurt loder! how old am i? i'll tell ya: the first time i watched the best new artist was beethoven, kanye west interrupted a dinosaur! cher had most of her original parts! the host was a middle aged larry king! thats how long ago it was! even at my age though i recognize a lot of today's music because its on in the background while i try on shoes at hot topic...'

- william shatner

- bianca kajlich

8-26-11

+ 'its another friday, another big movie opening today', craig ferguson states, 'the movie today is dont be afraid of the dark. i went to see it this afternoon. i went to the ticket booth and said 'dont be afraid of the dark' and the guy said 'hey, i cant be, i work in a movie theater!' ha ha! and we laughed and laughed and laughed. and then i kissed him. i'm kidding, i didnt see the movie- but i kissed the dude! you know if dont be afraid of the dark is successful there will be more movies with similar titles: 'dont swim on a full stomach', 'dont touch yourself or you'll go blind'. dont be afraid of the dark is one of those horror movies, it looks too scary. now, let me clarify: scary as in creepy, not scary as in 'i let my coupon to 9west expire!' when i watch the horror movies i always close my eyes during the scary parts. i do the same during sex. i'm not that scared of sex, just when the bill arrives... and there's always a bill. dont be afraid of the dark is the only movie named after something my parents used to tell me. and it will remain the only one until there is a movie called 'shut up, you fat wee bastard!' this movie stars katie holmes and guy pierce. by the way, guy pierce is also the name of a shop where i got my nipple pierced. its filled with terrifying little creatures. katie holmes is perfect for this movie then!'

- shirley manson

8-25-11

+ 'our thoughts, of course, are with everyone on the east coast', craig ferguson shares, 'who are preparing for hurricane irene. in washington dc thousands have been left without power, they are called democrats! ha ha ha! no no, they are battening down the hatches in new york. the experts are saying that this could be the biggest disaster in new york since spider-man the musical! no, this hurricane is not a joke, its already a category 3. its been called irene. now, back in the 50's and 60's all the hurricanes had female names, but not today. they alternate today between a man then a woman, then a man, then a woman. remind you of anyone? if you dont know anything about hurricanes, they start out as tropical depressions, its a meteorological term for a bunch of clouds that got together and were like 'i dont care...' then they start spinning around engorging themselves on moist tropical air, and before you know it the local weatherman has a huge boner yelling 'everybody kiss their ass goodbye!' thats the technical description of a hurricane. weather like this is a change from where i grew up. weather in scotland is crap, but its gentle crap. you dont have mega storms. its just constantly moist. by the way, constantly moist is the new name of my pink floyd cover band!'

- kal penn

- alice eve

8-24-11

+ 'bit of a scary week so far', craig ferguson admits, 'what with one thing and another... well, there was the earthquake and the hurricane irene coming in on the east coast. thats what happens when you cancel oprah! thats why i love good old california, just sunshine and good old anthrax. if you saw the show last night, first of all, i'm sorry because it was this show and you saw it. last night i was talking about someone sent me an envelope with white powder. now, it turns out it was just corn starch, which is kind of a mixed blessing. on one hand i have an enemy out there somewhere, on the other hand, my soups will now be thicker and richer! you know what i was amazed about was the media coverage. the media when crazy with this thing, didnt they? i saw it out there that it said 'craig is very concerned for his staff', it said that in the hollywood reporter. that i was very concerned for my staff. thats not entirely what i said, i said 'i'm very concerned for my staff, and by staff i mean penis'. thats what i said! but they showed this picture of me being very serious, and didnt include the part about my penis. nobody's interested in real news anymore. or my penis!'

- regis philbin

> marina franklin

8-23-11

+ 'its a frightening day here at the studio!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'the reason we started late today is that something happened here in the studio today. it started like any other day: i come into the studio, i have my nap, i fire someone, i get a massage from the person i fired, i rehire them... but today, this is why we are late, this really happened today, today someone sent here an envelop containing white powder! i said 'oh!'. i told them that i would test it for them if they want... i have a special test that i conducted from 1979 through 1992... but the police were like 'no no' they did a test and its not dangerous, so relax everyone, calm your real authentic panic. you have no excuse to leave, its perfectly safe to be here. it was a very scary situation, i mean really frightening! my first concern of course was for my staff. and by staff i mean penis. 'craig, how can you make penis jokes at a time like this?!?' i am a professional comedian, its what i do! this was a frightening thing today. in the old days if someone had sent me white powder i would have been like 'yeah!' i would snorted it, gone crazy, and ended up at a party in elton john's house or rehab or both. but now a days white powder in the mail is bad. i called cbs security and say 'hey' and they said 'we're busy.' i said 'i am a personal friend of drew carrey' and they sent someone over right away! it was going crazy around the studio, there were helicopters buzzing around everywhere, people are rushing around. this is the most attention this show has gotten since... well, this is the most attention the show has ever gotten!'

- lewis black

= amos lee

8-22-11

+ 'tonight all eyes are on the big global news story everyone is talking about', craig ferguson shares, 'historic changes rocking one of the most ruthless and hated families on earth. thats right, kim kardashian got married! no, i'm talking about libya, the rebel army is taking down the evil regime. its kind of like star wars except without the gay robot. no one knows right now where the low budget bond villain muammar gaddafi is, but he has promised to die defending himself. that is a guy who once he gets a bad idea he sticks with it! rumors are that gaddafi is trying to escape tripoli wearing a wig! some people think gaddafi will end up going into exile somewhere harmless where we can keep an eye on him. i say 'dancing with the stars'. my guess is gaddafi will get arrested and have to face trial at the hague, which is in the netherlands, and i dont think the dutch prosecutors will go easy on him. 'i have been smoking hashish all day and i still dont understand why you are wearing those curtains for an outfit'. however this ends, my hats off to the people of libya for over throwing a brutal despot, and to nato deserves credit as well, it was french fighter pilots who strafed his compound. it seems like only a couple weeks since french fighter pilots were strafing my compound... with gaddafi out of the way it wont be long before we have peace and stability in the middle east forever- ha ha ha! seriously, i think i speak for everyone around the world when i say we are hoping for an end to the bloodshed, a peaceful transition to democracy, and cheaper gas! you know, last night one of gaddafi's sons was captured live on tv. i think those gaddafi kids are going to have a rough time of it, because a revolution is not a great time to be the child of a dictator. or as they are known, dictator tots! see what i did there? its like tater tots, but with a dick in front of it!'

poor geoff peterson broke his arm during the monologue.

- hugh laurie

- saffron burrows

craig's new hair

going for that greasy look, craig ferguson has decided to make a little change to his appearance! last time he mixed it up with a mustache, and we all remember how that ended up...

' i was really nervous about appearing tonight because of my new haircut', criag admits, 'look, i've decided to go completely greasy. its very greasy, isnt it? but you know what, it looks less grey though i think. i wonder if it works in other areas of my body... i've got plenty of grease, come on over later and we will try it out...'

we'll see how long this one lasts...

8-05-11

the final installment of craig in paris week!

+ craig ferguson performs at the moulin rouge with all the dancers! geoff peterson watches, but is not amused.

+ sean connery's parisian memories

+ michael caine in space in paris

+ craig shares why he is in france: it all goes back to the guy who copied his show last year: arthur. he was on 'the late late show' a few months ago and invited craig to come on his show sometime- so he did! craig goes to arthur's show as a guest- and hilarity ensues!

+ craig and kristen bell go to check out the shoes at christian louboutin and actually talk to christian himself about shoes and why women are so fascinated by them. very interesting...

+ cher homme d'aqua

+ the final installment of dinner with kristen bell and jean reno

+ the week in paris ends with a song and a dance from the professional dance troupe at the moulin rouge. wow, what a week!

8-04-11

craig ferguson in paris week continues!

+ craig takes a tour of shakespeare and co. english bookstore. we even get to meet the shop dog collette!

+ sean connery's parisian memories

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson shares, 'and another great day here in france. i am in the legendary palace of versailles, built by louis the 14th who was called 'the sun king' because he loved sun chips. i read it on wikipedia. this is why i love america, because now a days you dont have to be royalty to enjoy a delicious savory snack. now the room everyone talks about is the hall of mirrors, 357 mirrors. its dazzling! its like someone skinned a disco ball and laid it flat! i could never live here, its hard enough leaving my house with one mirror, i'm like 'does this make my ass look fat', could you imagine living here? there are so many statues around the palace that, in order to not sound like an idiot, you just make stuff up about the statue and people believe it.' craig then goes around the palace and makes up some great crazy stories about the different statues he sees! he also goes to the public bedroom of the queen. craig and kristen bell act out what might happen in in the queen's bedroom- kristen as the queen and craig as draco malffoy, the queens secret lover!

+ on the bus

+ tweets and emails on the bridge

+ dinner with kristen bell and jean reno

8-03-11

craig ferguson's visit to paris continues!

+ 'hey, its a great day for america everybody', craig ferguson shares, 'its another great day here in paris. i am here at the famous art museum the louvre. the proper french pronunciation is 'loovra', kind of like the way you say brett favre. and just like brett favre's iphone, the louvre is packed with famous penises. the louvre has more than four thousand pieces of art that show parts of the naked body. one art expert recently concluded that the louvre has more depictions of bare breasts than any other museum in the world, except perhaps the clinton library.'

+ cher homme d'aqua

craig shares a cool story about a bridge in paris called pont des arts. it seems that people have been visiting this bridge for years and leaving behind padlocks as a symbol of love on the fence of the bridge. the place is now plastered with thousands of locks! craig even found a lock that had been placed there many years ago by his boss and his wife. how romantic, huh?

+ michael caine in space in paris

criag sits in front of the tuileries garden and chats with jean-michel cousteau. they even rent a couple motor boats and tool around in the fountain!

on the bus

+ craig goes into cantin affireur, a french cheese shop, and tries some of the different cheeses- even the stinky ones!

+ sean connery's parisian memories

dinner with kristen bell and jean reno

8-02-11

craig ferguson continues his week in paris!

+ wavey, the crocadillio, introduces the episode with rants about biting ladies legs and catching birds...

+ 'i'm here standing in front of the cathedral of notre dame here in france', craig ferguson shares, 'the full name of the notre dame is 'notre dame de paris', which means 'our lady of paris'. a title i would like to have myself some day! this, notre dame, is the finest example of goth architecture in france. french goths come here and then go shop at 'le hot topic'. construction began on the cathedral in 1163, and it was completed in 1645. notre dame is famous for its gargoyles. a gargoyle is a grotesque figure that scares away evil spirits, we have the same thing in america, we call it randy quaid. many people dont know that gargoyles are a relatively modern invention. they were installed in the 19th century. they werent put in to scare away evil spirits, they were put in to scare away mimes!'

on the bus

+ sean connery's perisian memories

emails and tweets at shakespeare and co. english bookstore

tour d'argent- criag goes to visit a really old wine cellar at night wearing a dracula cape for some reason.

+ cher homme d'aqua- dear aquaman in french

craig shops through the streets of paris with kristen bell and eddie izzard.

michael caine in space in paris

raphael, a street magician, shows craig a neat trick!

+ craig and kristen sit down and have dinner with jean reno and discuss the differences between the french and americans.

8-01-11

welcome to france! this week craig ferguson takes 'the late late show' to paris!

+ the show starts off with a song and dance number, they lip-sync a pretty crazy french song (a fun song called 'i am the king of the divan' by plastic bertrand)

+ for the show's theme song, criag sings it out in a park in paris with a couple frenchmen accompanied on a piano and a stand up bass. cool!

+ 'thanks a lot everybody, thanks a lot completely fake audience that isnt there, just like when we do the show in california', craig ferguson states as he stands in front of the eiffel tower, 'welcome to paris france! i am your host, tv's craig ferguson! its a great day for america everybody, its a great day for us because we made it here to paris with the tiny amount of money we had. we spent it on coach airfares and one creusant. we dont have a studio and we dont have any lighting, but that never stopped us in america and thats not going to stop us here!'

+ michael caine in space- in paris

- kristen bell craig's favorite guest came along with for the trip! hopefully she and geoff peterson can get along...

+ on the bus- a short segment where craig, geoff, and kristen all wander through the city on the second level of a french double decker bus.

+ craig reads tweets and emails with sylvia whitman, the owner of shakespeare and co. english bookstore in paris.

7-29-11

+ 'big movie out today that i'm very excited about: cowboys and aliens', craig ferguson states, 'its about cowboys and aliens! if cowboys and aliens is successful, they will start mixing westerns with other genres: cowboys and sharks, cowboys and vampires with sexy abs, cowboys and tyler perry in a fat suit. i'm excited cause i love cowboy movies and i love alien movies and the last time i combined two things i loved like this was when i curled up with a six pack of eclairs and watched glee! the title of the movie is vague though, cowboys and aliens. are we talking violent aliens like 'independence day' aliens, or friendly aliens like in 'et'. are we talking violent cowboys like in 'unforgiven', or friendly cowboys like in 'brokeback mountain'? please be the second one! now, the movie stars daniel craig, he fights aliens with a high tech bracelet and he doesnt know how he got it. he just wakes up one morning with a bracelet on his wrist. its like a wild west version of linday lohan! the movie takes place in arizona, which is weird, who would have thought that arizona would have a problem with aliens?

- tim gunn

- matt smith

gp and the fergs

Episode summaries:

coming up, its an all new episode of 'gp and the fergs', the fergs is making time with the drug lord's woman, and gp has to cut him loose!
coming up after the break, and all new 'gp and the fergs', together they are going to make you sweat, one way and then the other!

craig on 'today'

criag ferguson stops by the 'today show' to talk with hoda and kathie lee about his recent time in paris. they show a few clips of craig and kristen bell walking the streets and visiting a shoe store. craig talks with the ladies about shoes and sexuality, underwear, the drew carey show, his new baby, and how he met his wife. also, he talks about a possible game show thats in the works! criag is brimming over with his usual funny self! check out the video here!

7-28-11

+ 'tonight is a great day for me', craig ferguson shares, 'because it is the season premier of project runway! i love that show! the poster for the latest season has heidi klum naked with a scissors. you should never use a scissors while you are in the nude, thats very dangerous. i actually had a horrible accident once from doing that. i wont go into the details, but lets just say, i cut off my penis. thankfully it grew back because i am a starfish... that happens if a starfish cuts off his penis on accident, which is pretty difficult because its very difficult to use a scissors if you are a starfish! 'if only i could cut this fabric i could go the the ball, instead i will just sit here on this rock'. listen, i probably shouldnt admit this, but i only watch three shows: project runway, mythbusters, and a hidden camera i have set up in a friends bedroom. thats right bob saget, i see what you did there! i tivo it as well. its rated m for 'mmm!'. i watched the first 8 seasons of project runway, so i kind of feel like everyone on that show is a member of my family- because they are all bitchy and never call me! i mean that in a loving way, of course...'

- lisa kudrow

# ben mezrich

7-27-11

+ 'its a big night, of course, for american soccer', craig ferguson states, 'what's that? its like regular soccer, but nobody watches... earlier tonight the mls all stars took on manchester united. now we are live of course, so congratulations...winners! no, congratulations winners and the dude who got kicked in the balls- you know its going to happen, its the only reason you watch! manchester united probably won, lets be honest, because its soccer and its manchester united. manchester united are like the yankees of soccer, only different in that only half of manchester united have slept with madonna. soccer has actually become quite popular here in america. a couple of weeks ago the womens soccer world cup finals set rating records a-fire. unfortunately at the time we lost to japan, our women played well but couldnt finish because they got too excited in the box... i've had that problem myself... do you know that more american kids play soccer than any other sport combined? now, that is not true, but wouldnt it be interesting... then we might actually be able to win! i'm glad major league soccer is catching on, i'm not so sure about the team names though, i've got to be honest. kansas city wiz? dallas burn? those are real names! wiz and burn? those are also names for chlmydia!'

- mary mccormack

* david feherty

7-26-11

+ 'its a great day for the human race, i have to say', craig ferguson shares, 'or is it? according to these learned men, who for the purpose of this show, we will call 'scientists'. human DNA has revealed that we are a lot closer to neanderthal than we thought. humans and neanderthals didnt just coexist, apparently they used to... um, knock stones. 'paint each other's caves', if you know what i'm sayin', 'spear the mammoth', if the cave was a rockin, dont come a knockin! a recent headline reads 'humans had sex with neanderthals, says DNA'. who said science cant be fun? science never use the term 'caveman', they use neanderthal because primitive man did not always live in caves, they lived in other places too. we wasted a lot of time looking for them in caves when all along they lived in million dollar compounds in pakistan! anyway, scientists now have evidence that humans and neanderthals mated. personally i'm not surprised we have caveman DNA, i can certainly see my caveman roots. i'm very rugged and outdoorsy, some days i will walk out of the house without putting on any moisturizer!'

- william h. macy

- karen gillan

7-25-11

+ 'its not such a great day in washington d.c.', craig ferguson states, 'everybody's terrified about this debt ceiling, cause if we dont raise it it could cause financial chaos, which would be horrifying! a lot of people dont understand what the debt ceiling situation is. i'm going to try and explain the debt ceiling in terms that we can all understand: its this ceiling for our debt. i hope that helped. its actually very simple, the government spends more money every year and every time the congress votes for a bigger budget they are required to have a separate vote to raise the debt ceiling to pay for that budget. now, when the president and the congress are members of the same party, raising the debt ceiling: not a big deal. its like asking your buddy 'can i borrow twenty bucks for lunch?' but if they are on opposite parties, its like asking your wife for money to go to the strip club! see? now, weirdly enough, the last time this happened was during the clinton administration! 'i swear hillary, each lap dance costs three billion!' you know what really worries people who know stuff about stuff? we owe a record amount of money to china. and the chinese are starting to drop little hints that they might want it back! they have! last night i got chinese and the fortune cookie said 'where's our money, bitch!'.'

- don rickles

7-22-11

+ 'do you know what i'm very excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'the new movie thats opening today: captain america! when i heard they were making a movie about an american hero who looks great in red, white, and blue, i said 'about damn time- i love richard simmons!' anyway, its not richard simmons, its about captain america. he's a superhero, and i'm like 'finally! this summer a movie about superheroes!' no, i said a couple weeks ago that i was sick of superhero movies. i was at the time, but now i'm hungry for more. that happens sometimes, like last year i said i was sick of the platinum blonde look, and then the other day i figured what the hell and got it done again... down stairs i'm billy idol! too much? anyway, captain america is about a wimpy guy who gets transformed, he's injected by an experimental serum, and then enhanced by chemicals to become awesome! the moral of the story, kids, is that drugs work! my body was also transformed by chemical experimentation... this is how it worked out.'

- john goodman wins the golden mouth organ!

- jayma mays though not particularly skilled, craig was smitten by her and gives her a golden mouth organ as well!

7-21-11

+ 'today the big news, of course, is that in san diego its the first day of comic con!' craig ferguson states, 'its the biggest science fiction and comic book convention in the world. anyway, i cant believe that comic con is going on and i'm stuck here. geoff went last year and nobody recognized him, they thought he was keira knightley. for some reason comic con attracts a lot of fat dudes in underpants- and i cant believe i'm stuck here! i'm not sure i would fair well at comic con, i'm not sure if an old fellow like me would fit in with the young folks, or i'd fit into my wonder woman outfit either. people wear crazy outfits there, its like ren faire but with acne! its not just guys, women like this stuff too, or at least they say they do. i think its just an excuse to dress up like sexy princess leia. so what you should do is get yourself to comic con if you want to see fat guys in underpants trying to pick up princess leia. you'll hear a lot of 'hey baby, you want to take out my lightsaber? not my penis, i mean my actual lightsaber!' comic con is going on for the next four days, geeks from across america are descending on san diego like herds of bespecticled wildebeests. if you need your computer fixed this weekend, you are screwed.'

- bryan cranston

= amos lee

7-20-11

+ 'its a great day for science', craig ferguson shares, 'its a great day and a sad day. in just a few hours the space shuttle atlantis is scheduled to touch down in florida, the last shuttle landing ever. first harry potter, and now the space shuttle, all the things that i grew up with, all the touchstones of my youth are coming to an end. see young people, i'm just like you! except i'm older and creepier. i'm going to watch the final shuttle landing live on nbc. its sad watching an icon that defined the 80's come to an end, and i'll miss the shuttle too! a ha! i read that the crew of atlantis brought an iphone into space and they use it to track their experiments. i think 'track their experiments' is code for 'playing angry birds'. the commander of the atlantis is named chris ferguson, i think its heartening to see someone named ferguson make smart career choices. you know, some people are born to be astronauts, they look at the moon and say 'some day i'm going to go there', and other people like me look at the moon and say 'someday i'm going to meet a sexy werewolf'.'

- jenna elfman

- breckin meyer

> omid djalili

7-18-11

+ 'its a great day for us here in los angeles', craig ferguson shares, 'we have in fact survived 'carmageddon'. yes, the giant freeway closure. we made it through. what a load of crap! for three months the local news here has been drilling it into our heads saying the same word over and over and over again. there were updates on a freeway closure! every hour on the hour 'still closed. still closed. still closed. freeway's still not open!' now, if you dont live here in l.a., first of all, congratulations. but if you dont live here you might not have heard about the 'carmageddon' bruhaha. the local 405 freeway here was closed for the weekend to 'get some work done', just like everyone else in l.a. it was to add an extra traffic lane for jay leno's cars or something. anyway, the 405 freeway is the main highway here in southern california. if freeways were kardashians, then the 405 would be kim. you know, its more popular than the other ones, a little more glamorous, has room for a carpool lane... apparently they are going to close the freeway again next year for even more construction. cause if theres one thing hollywood loves, its making a sequel to something that sucked the first time! they are going to have to give it a better title so people will get excited about it! may i suggest 'carmageddon and the deathly hallows part 2'!'

- elizabeth banks

> rich fulcher

photos of craig in france

recently craig ferguson shared that he was going to take his show, the late late show with craig ferguson, to paris france! this will be the first time the show has ever left the confines of its studio in california! the magazine entertainment weekly caught up with craig and shared a few pictures of some of the wacky goings-on in paris! here's what it said in a recent issue:

For a week beginning Aug. 1, CBS' chatfest will air episodes filmed in Paris- non of which feature the standard talk-show setup. "It was kind of our own version of The Amazing Race," says producer Michael Naidus. "We didn't tape anything in a studio. We were in something like 35 locations in four days." Host Craig Ferguson donned his Michael Caine getup, while his robot sidekick Geoff took in the sights. "Only tourists wear berets in Paris," explains Naidus, "so we put them on."

look forward to seeing the craig and geoff peterson in paris episodes airing at the beginning of august!

7-15-11

+ 'it is a big day for us today', craig ferguson admits, 'its a big day for the wizards and the house elves, the muggles, the ravenclaws, and the rufflepinks, because the movie they have all been waiting for is finally here: winnie the pooh! fun for the whole family, go see it! ah, i talked about pooh yesterday, actually i talk about poo every day! no, the other movie thats out today: harry potter! hurray! i love harry potter, the crowds are huge. its so tough to get tickets. how tough is it to get tickets? its so tough that rupert murdoch had to hack into the movie phone! now this movie is all about harry confronting his arch rival voldimort, a hideous villain with pale skin and awful teeth, which in brittan could be just about anybody... anyway, i just got into the harry potter recently because i've begun reading the books. you know, not for myself, but i've been reading them to my son. i like the books, they are great, actually. but some of the movies, i have to be honest with you, and i know this will be controversial, i'm like 'really?' i just watched the fourth one, the goblet of fire, after reading the book. the book is sensational then i watched the movie and i went 'really?' it made me pretty angry, the book is great. the movie doesnt even have winky the female house elf in it. how the hell can that happen? winky is my favorite character and they cut her out of the movie- you bastards! and let me tell you something, this new movie better have winky in it, in fact, every movie should have winky in it! from this moment on, i will only see movies that have winky in it!'

- tim daly

- leslie bibb

= foster the people

7-14-11

+ 'everybody is going to the movies this weekend', craig ferguson admits, 'thats whats going on. a lot of people are going to see that little out house movie, 'harry potter and the legend of curly's gold', i'm not. i'm going to a different movie. i'm going to a positive uplifting film that has a message for the whole family. and by positive message for the whole family, i mean one where i see my name on the screen and i say to my family 'in your face, bitches! especially you, six month old baby!' anyway, luckily for me, winnie the pooh is out this weekend and i am the voice of owl. if you want a little taste of what it sounds like, here you go, you ready: 'woo'. if you want more, get your ass to the theater because if you dont, this little mom and pop company that made it, called disney, wont be able to make another movie... winnie the pooh, thats what i'm talking about. it can teach children important life lessons. remember kids, if you ever see a bear in the woods, go up to it and try to make friends! offer him some honey! its not true of course, bears are ruthless predators who will pounce on fresh meat with their razor sharp claws. thats why i never wear tight pants when i go on 'the view'. when i first found out i got the gig as the owl i was very happy, i immediately started gluing feathers to my body. then i found out it was an animated movie and i was only doing the voice, but i kept on gluing because i did not want those birds to have died for nothing. its a joke! i didnt kill birds so i could have a costume! owls are awesome anyway, i love them. they've got these tiny little bodies with giant heads and they vomit out these furry little pellets. they're like super models!'
- zooey deschanel she wins the golden mouth organ!

- jim cummings he wins the golden mouth organ too- he even brought his own! what an episode!

craig on leno?!?

what? craig ferguson was on leno?!? yes, thats right, craig ferguson appeared on 'the tonight show with jay leno' last night. what is this world coming to?!? well, at least during that episode that had one good host on it! craig talks about being on leno during the opening bit of his own show, heres what he had to say: 'i was on the tonight show tonight with jay leno. it was funny, i was on the tonight show and they have everything there! he've got lights, and cameras, and an audience that wants to see the host! ok, maybe they dont have that... but they've got lights and cameras. theres bands there and a desk that isnt rickety, and there's glittery balls hanging from the ceiling! not just one glittery ball on a desk, they were hanging from the ceiling! as if they were free, you could just reach out and pluck them, as if they were some sort of disco fruit! anyway i just loved it, it was like for someone who does this job, like sitting in a big beautiful ferrari or something. and then i got to come back here, a soviet era sedan. and i'm not kidding, i go into the tonight show and they've all got free things, they are like 'hey craig, have free cups, here's a bath robe, here's a hat, and please take this complimentary car, and train, and here's some moisturizer that costs thousands. here, have your own leopard, off you go!' and then i come back here and put on this suit and i walk down the corridor to this studio and i see a crap stain on the carpet. and i thought, you know, i wouldnt be anywhere else!'

7-13-11

+ 'its a great day if you like the roller coasters', craig ferguson shares, 'cause today the worlds steepest roller coaster opens in japan. the roller coaster goes 80 miles an hour and flips upside down seven times! its like car pooling with mel gibson- its crazy! the real kicker is that the new roller coaster has a drop so steep that they say its 'beyond vertical'. now i know what you are thinking, your thinking 'craig, there is no such thing as beyond vertical', and i'm like 'shut up, physicists!' its called the takabetha, which i think is japanese for 'number one pants pooper'. i look forward to your letters... historians say that the first roller coaster was built in 1784 in st. petersburg in russia, it was built for the amusement of catherine the great. you know, for most of the 1800's, roller coasters were called 'russian mountains', which is the name i used to dance under! even when the ride came to a stop, the screaming didnt! thats quite good that! strangely in russia they called roller coasters 'american mountains'. isnt that weird? i dont know why, no one knows. its one of those strange wrinkles in history that no one has cared enough to investigate, like how larry king avoided getting scurvy on the mayflower, no one really knows! 'it was the oranges!' you're thinking 'craig, we are learning so much tonight and yet you are still creapy and disgusting!' i know.'
- d. j. qualls
- angela kinsey

7-12-11

+ 'we've got a bunch to worry about here in america', craig ferguson states, 'and everyone is worried about the same thing. thats right, the joffrey dancers are being locked out. its true, the joffrey ballet dancers are being locked out and might lead to season being cancelled. what the fuck!?! i cant believe this shit! the joffrey ballet is in chicago, and needless to say the locals are not happy. the people of chicago love two things: da bears, and da ballet! it must be tough to be a ballet dancer in a city known for its deep dish pizza. now chicago is a city without dance! is this the plot to footloose? we have to send kevin bacon to chicago to restore their faith in the power of a loose foot! as of now, chicago's ballerinas are locked out. that means the union talks have failed, everythings at a stand still until they can get it worked out, this could lead to a strike. and the most graceful picket line ever! you've got lock outs going in the nfl and the nba as well, where can we go to find guys in tight pants?!? dont worry, i'll find somewhere...'

- julie chen

= joss stone

7-11-11

+ 'its not a great day for rupert murdoch', craig shares, 'you know rupert murdoch, the adorable media baron who owns fox, fox news, fox sports, fox and friends, foxy, and megan fox... his cheerful drive for global domination has hit a snag. the british government has announced that they may cancel his 14 billion dollar satellite deal because they have discovered something about mr. murdoch: he's evil! thats how on the ball the british government is! 'i say, this ruthless billionaire may not be entirely trustworthy'. anyway, in the media business being evil isnt always a bad thing, there's also the loveable kind of evil we have here at cbs! anyway, rupert murdoch is in the business where evil and awesome gets blurry, one of murdoch's tabloids went too far. they hacked people's phones and listened to their voicemails. victims said that their iphones were so screwed up they were actually working! lawyers are saying there is a technical word for accessing someone's voicemail without permission, the word is 'crime', and the people who do it are often called 'criminals'. apparently criminals arent allowed to buy britian's largest satellite network. they have very quaint laws over there...'

- elijah wood

- cat deeley

7-07-11

+ 'its july the seventh, so its seven seven today', craig ferguson observes, 'for some reason seven is considered a lucky number. maybe tonight we are all getting lucky! lets be honest, if you are watching this show, your luck just ran out. i dont know why seven is supposed to be lucky, maybe cause there's seven days in a week, seven musical notes, seven colors of the rainbow, seven wonders of the ancient world, seven deadly sins, seven seas, seven dwarves, and i have seven pet ferrets. anyway, i dont know why i'm giving so much thought in this number seven thing, i dont put any faith in that numerology crap, especially during an odd numbered month like now. people told me i'd believe in numerology if i saw a numerologist, but i'm not going. cause every time i go to someone with 'ologist' in their title, i end up bending over. and there is bad stuff too!'

- tom lennon

- tatum o'neal

7-06-11

+ 'its not such a great day for me', craig ferguson states, 'because i had to do something very unpleasant today, something i never look forward to: i had to arrive. no, much worse: i had to watch the cbs sexual harassment video. we all have to watch the sexual harassment video, even david carusoe has to watch it, he actually has to watch it twice, once with the sunglasses and once without. they herd us all into this room and watch this badly lit hour long program with terrible performances- i feel right at home! here's the kicker though, at the end when you watch the sexual harassment video they say 'now making jokes about the sexual harassment video is, in itself, a form of sexual harassment'. i'm like 'whaaa?!?' it was too much for me, so i protested cbs' ridiculousness the only way i knew how- i took off my pants! anyway, finally the lawyer said i was able to make fun of the video tape on the show. i dont think they think i have a show, they just think i'm the crazy janitor or something. now, i understand what they are trying to do with the sexual harassment seminar, but they treat us like we are idiots. i think most guys know when they are being kind of creepy to a woman at work. so if you are a guy and you are being creepy- knock it off! guys, dont gather around the water cooler talking about sex, unless its sex with a water cooler, and i dont want to hear about that... well, maybe i do! nothing turns me on like five gallon jugs!'

- rosie perez

7-05-11

+ its tweets and email night! all the guests tonight will be helping out with answering the tweets and emails
+ 'according to a new study by security experts', craig ferguson begins, 'our email isnt as safe as we thought. now, how would they know this? because they are reading my email- those bastards! their next move is to try and steal all the money i'm getting from that nigerian prince! the study also says that 90 percent of all email is spam, you know, the spam about 'refinance your home', 'enlarge your penis', 'refinance your enlarged penis'... i've never understood why they call junk mail spam, cause spam is delicious and junk mail is just annoying. i read today that they call junk mail spam because it keeps popping up all over the place, like in the monty python sketch. i was disappointed, i always thought spam stood for 'sexy penis augmentation message'. and in a way, it does... i have to admit though, i'm hooked on the email. thats right young people, i'm just like you! thats right, i do the face chat and the farm tubes and everything. please except me into your 18-34 demographic and we will stick it to the man! you kids still have it in for the man, dont you? even though i send lots of emails, i still know how to communicate the old fashioned way: anonymous truck stop sex. you kids still do that, right?'
- stephen wright helps with the tweets
- ellie kemper helps with the tweets
- adam savage also helps with the tweets!

7-01-11

+ 'its the 4th of july weekend!', craig celebrates, 'its a great big weekend, a lot of people will be going to the movies, very big movies open this weekend. what better way to celebrate america's birthday than spending it with two hours with a big gangly machine that crushes men in its iron jaws. i am, of course, talking about the new julia roberts movie! theres a new julia roberts movie, its called larry crown, its julia roberts and tom hanks. i have no idea what its about but they probably hook up. you know the kids are going to be lining up for that one! young people will be going to see the new transformers movie. the transformers of course were originally a line of toys from the 80's, transformers, more than meets the eye! i was too old for that in the 80's, but i had my own transformer- tequilla, makes me do gay stuff! you know megan fox isnt in the new transformers movie. she was fired! it was very sad, they replaced her with ashton kutcher. thats not true, they replaced her with a lamp. thats a bit harsh, isnt it?'

- cedric the entertainer

- moon bloodgood

6-30-11

+ 'its a great day for our magical neighbor to the north, the fabled land of canada', craig ferguson shares, 'the land famous for three delicious treats: bacon, maple syrup, and justin bieber. baby, please. today the canadians are getting a visit from the most famous newlyweds in the world, the royal couple are there: kloe kardashian and lamar odem. prince william is there with his lovely bride, kiki wigglesworth. the royal couple landed in canada with afternoon. i wonder if while they were on the plane if they joined the mile high club? or as they would call it the 1.6 kilometer high club. the royals were greeted at ottowa airport by thousands of hysterical canadians. and by hysterical i mean they all nodded politely and then apologized for nodding politely and then enjoyed a tasty treat. now if you know anything about me you know that ive always been anti royal. and by slightly, i mean vehemently! but i have to admit i've been won over by prince william and kiki. they seem nice, theyre young, theyre in love, they went against the tradition that usual goes on in the royal family: they married outside of the family gene pool.'
- henry winkler
# mike massimino astronaut