goodbye, old studio!

craig is getting a bigger set!  as craig ferguson says goodbye to the studio he has been performing 'the late late show with craig ferguson' in for the past seven and a half years, he explained a bit about what is in store for the show:
'the new studio will be the same old crap, people have said 'oh, whats the set going to be like?' its going to be like this- the same set!  the same set!  i know what you are thinking, 'they dont do that in tv'.  thats right, they dont!  we are taking this set and adding a bit on to it.  i'm not kidding!  people have been saying to me 'i dont want the show to change!'  i'm like 'who are you?  everyone else does!'  frankly i dont know whats wrong with change, people in the audience during the commercial break are always saying 'spare change?  spare change?'  if you are a regular viewer of this show i'm sorry.  but you know i come out here every night, i stand in this spot, and i talk about whatever is on my mind.  i've done 1565 opening monologues with four jokes spread out over that time.  the new studio will have all the usual talk show stuff, you know, we will have the desk, the chairs, the podium, the audience pleasure dungeon, the glory holes, the glass unicorns, the sex swing, the ferrets, the monkeys, the handcuffs, the bedazzelers, the mimes, and fred willard!  you know, all the classic talk show stuff.  you know the one thing is that we will have a bigger audience.  it wont make much of a difference, it will just be more people not laughing.  the new studio will be super high tech, there will be these new fancy gadgets that are on all the tv shows now, they are called 'lights'.  and lesbian row will be much bigger.  i dont mean we are getting more seats, i just mean we are getting bigger lesbians!'
at the end of the show, craig gathered together everyone who works on the show for one last hurrah, ending the night with the promise 'we will see you when we come back everybody!  good night!'

8-08-12

+ 'it is a very emotional day for the staff of this show', craig ferguson admits, 'and by staff i mean me, and by emotional i mean 'meh'.  we have been at this studio, stage 58, cbs television city.  i've been here seven and a half years, tonight is our last night here, our last night.  dont get excited, we havent been cancelled!  we are finally moving to another studio, we are moving on up!  you know when you are about to leave something and you realize how much you are going to miss it?  well, that the opposite of what's going on here!  seven years of me complaining about what a dump this place is and finally somebody at cbs heard me.  and today they sent me a little note, it said 'looking forward to the next chapter in our relationship!'  it kind of bummed me though because the just wrote my name over katie curic's!  we are not moving far, the new studio is just down the hall.  its not ready yet, but its where they used to film the pat sajak show.  thats why its taking so long to get ready, they are trying to scrub out that sajak smell!  he smells like vowels...  i have a lot of fond memories though, there was the time the power went out, the time the roof leaked, and the other time the power went out again.  but now we are moving down the hall where it has the exact same electrical system and the exact same roof!  we will be living the dream!'
- chris hardwick stops by to help out with the tweets and emails
- carla gugino

8-07-12

+ 'today is gymnastics in the olympics', craig ferguson reminds, 'now, i have a confession to make.  i used to think that gymnastics wasnt a real sport, just an excuse to wear a leotard.  i have learned something, i do not need an excuse to wear a leotard!  people often ask me, they say 'craig, whats the difference between a leotard and a unitard?' they say.  i'm not really sure, i think the main difference is a leotard has exposed legs, like me if i ever win an oscar.  i'll be like angelina jolie.  the leotard was named after the man who invented it. he was a french trapeze artist, his name was jules ballhugger.  no, his name was jules leotard, that was his name.  he's probably the most famous guy to have clothes named after him.  right after bob spankz, steve jeggings, tom coat, and simon trousers.  anyway, when you watch the gymnasts on tv you always see them powdering up their hands to soak up the sweat.  i think they should use a big sham-wow!  you know, i spent the entire 1980's with my hands covered in white powder...  it was a result of my two favorite hobbies at the time:  cocaine, and punching mimes!'
* rachael ray who showed up a bit late, forcing craig to make himself a cup of noodles.
= the imagineers

8-06-12

+ 'its week two of the olympics', craig ferguson states, 'anyway, its the second week of the olympics and i've still got olympic fever- just look at my nipples!  today, of course, was the shot put.  the track and field event where the athletes spin around and then throw a 16 pound ball as far as possible.  or as i call it: foreplay!  did you know that wrestling started at the olympics as well?  the original olympics had lots of different types of wrestling.  youve got the greco roman, the freestyle, the jello, mud, and hot oil wresting.  i've been mistaken for a wrestler before.  i asked 'is it because i look strong?'  'no, because you are wearing a unitard and tights' and i said 'touche, officer!'  you know what i never understood about wrestling?  why dont they allow professional wrestling at the olympics?  they allow pro basketball and pro hockey players there.  they should have pro wrestlers.  the team from mexico could wear their masks, the swedish wrestlers could hit people with chairs from ikea, the french could hit his opponent with a baguette.  or perhaps just surrender.'
* stephen king
* dave barry
= rock bottom remainders

8-03-12

+ 'ill tell you why i'm excited', craig ferguson states, 'there's a big hollywood movie coming out today called total recall.  its a remake of the arnold schwarzenegger classic.  total recall is a movie that has two haunting questions: 1. what is reality? and b. will you pay to see a movie that kind of sucked the first time?  when i heard that they were remaking total recall i thought 'you cant do that, its a recent movie'.  then i realized its twenty two years old!  twenty two years? i'm old!  anyway, the new total recall and the old total recall are apparently totally different different.  you know, other than the title, thats the same.  and the premise and the tone and the characters and the script, but other than that...  instead of arnold, this one's got colin farrell.  i dont know if he's a good replacement because, well, he can act!  anyway, total recall is about a man who wakes up with no memory, which is perfect for colin farrell- he is irish, after all.  calin farrell's character is a spy and his wife is an assassin who is trying to kill him.  thats why they couldnt bring back arnold, he could never relate to a character who's wife wants to kill him!'
+ after reading a tweet on the show, craig decides that he now wants to be called 'johnny memphis'!
- edward norton
- malin akerman

8-02-12

+ 'something is going on this week thats just as important as the olympics', craig ferguson informs, 'maybe even more important.  shark week?  yes, that is going on, but no.  something even more terrifying than sharks.  this week is international clown week.  thats true!  not just domestic clown week- international clown week!  i cant believe i made it all the way to thursday without acknowledging clown week!  its a real thing!  it was signed in to law on this day in 1971 by the great president nixon.  one of the many great things he did for america.  am i right people who dont know a motherfucking thing about history!  anyway, i think clowns get a bad rap.  they are my second favorite thing about going to the circus.  my first favorite thing about going to the circus is not going to the circus!  some people think that clowns are descended from the medieval court jester, i dont i think they are just creepy jerks in make up.  some people think that clowns are scary.  and these people are called 'correct!'.  i dont know why clowns are a bit scary, i just know that they are scary.  i think its that clowns are really talking mimes!'
- rashida jones stops by to help out with tweets and emails
+ larry king's guide to london
- julie delpy

8-01-12

+ at the top of the show, craig ferguson often invites a guest from the audience to chat with him.  this time it was a british musician named david robinson.  unbeknownst to craig, david plays the harmonica!  after showing off his skills, he was awarded the coveted golden mouth organ!
+ 'its a big show business birthday today', craig ferguson shares, 'who is it?  mtv.  music television started on this day in 1981.  the first video they ever played was the song 'video killed the radio star'.  its a little on the nose if you ask me.  it would be like if bravo started with 24 hours of gay porn! a lot of people dont know this but the second video on mtv was by pat benatar.  i could actually remember seeing pat benatar on the screen.  you know, the high heels, tight sweaters, the gothy hooker make up.  i though 'bitch stole my look!'  did you, this is true, in the 1980's i was drunk.  the entire 1980's!  i actually auditioned to be an mtv vj in new york in the 80's.  thats true.  the producers said i wasnt right and i said drunkenly 'is that because i'm scottish?' 'what did you say?' 'is it becaoauidsfpao amsdfpmkasd!'  they said 'no no, its because you are not wearing anything but an olivia newton john headband and a shimmery vest!'  i said 'yeah, well, bitch stole my look again!'.'
- selma blair
- adam savage  adam also takes up the harmonica challenge and also received the golden mouth organ!

larry king's guide to london

larry king, frequent guest and friend of the late late show with craig ferguson, gives us a brief guide to london.  just in time for the olympics, king shares small bits of wisdom like this:
'i'm standing in front of buckingham palace', larry says, 'i thought they would let me in because my last name is king.  i thought wrong. oh, and an fyi: they have tazers over here too.'
'you know, in england the law states that a pregnant woman may relieve herself wherever she wishes.  i say, hey, why let them have all the fun!'

7-31-12

+ 'last night on the show i had olympic fever', craig ferguson admits, 'now unfortunately its getting worse, and thats not good.  apparently i have to call my doctor if the torch keeps burning for more than four hours.  today's events at the olympics are equestrian events, sailing, and table tennis.  in other words, its a big day for white people today!  equestrian and sailing, now these are sports for people who grew up on the mean streets of connecticut.  'oh, i'm sorry mummy, i cant go to the ragatta, my head sail got caught in the jib mast. and then something happened on the boat...'  sailing sounds cool, at least it sounds better than yachting, which just sounds like something mit romney would do at his indoor lake.  i've been sailing before and i liked it, but i wouldnt want to watch it in tv.  its like sex, you know, half the fun is feeling the wind blowing through your hair, the sun beating down on your head, and the spray washing all over your body.  thats what happens when you go sailing!  everything went smoothly for the sailing events today except for the british team which unfortunately forgot limes and got skervy.  anyway, what else did they do today at the olympics?  there was table tennis, which is just a fancy way of saying ping pong.  can olympic air hockey be far behind?'
- rosie perez

7-30-12

+ 'over in london the olympics are well underway now!' craig ferguson shares, 'records are being broken, theres a lot of grunting, people are holding their breathe, then i step out of the bathroom and go watch the olympics!  i have to tell you, after a long weekend, i woke up this morning and i have got olympic fever!  i cant tell you how long it will last, but i will tell you that i was never able to cure my world cup herpes.  anyway, the olympics are kicked off with a bang.  millions of people are watching the most celebrated athlete in the world.  the guy everyone wants to see in action, men want to be him, women want to be with him.  thats right, i'm talking about u.s. archer brady ellison!  maybe not.  i'm really talking about swimming of course, the olympic swimming is kind of like the presidential election: every four years we pretend to give a crap.'
+ larry king's guide to london
- emma roberts
> paula poundstone

7-27-12

+ 'over in london the olympic torch is burning 24 hours a day, just like my genitals', craig ferguson jokes, 'dont worry, i'll press on...  did you see the opening ceremony tonight?  wasnt it fabulous?  i liked it when, um, something.  i dont know.  the opening ceremony kicks off the olympics with flair and it sets up the audience with expectations of a terriffic time.  its like what we do here, except the opposite.  i see its working this evening very well, too.  like everything else in britan, the opening ceremony tonight was judged by simon cowell.  'those fireworks were rubbish!  that torch isnt nearly as flaming as seacrest!'  anyway, here's what i think, the opening ceremonies are supposed to show the best of britain, right?  why didnt they just show an episode of downton abbey?  i'll be honest, i didnt watch the opening ceremony tonight cause i tivo'ed them.  dont tell me what happened, i'll get around to watching them... never.  well, my tivo is backlogged with episodes of house hunters international.'
- vince vaughn

7-26-12

+ vince vaughn stops by to watch craig do the pre monologue segment.
+ 'it is a big day on my calender, i know the audience members are all very excited about this as well', craig ferguson shares, 'it is the birthday, or course, of carl jung, the swiss psychoanalyst!  i celebrated jung's birthday today by integrating my conscious with my unconscious while still maintaining their respective autonomies.  how about you?  i know what you are thinking, you are thinking 'oh here we go again, another late night host with a crowd pleasing monologue about the the founding of psychology!'  carl jung is a legend in the world of psychology, his famous theories include the collective unconscious, the process of individuation, and his most famous: beer before liquor never sicker!  personally, i think therapy is fantastic. it combines two of my favorite things: talking about myself and lying down!'.
- emile hirsch
- ariel tweto

7-25-12

+ 'scientists in chile, this is true', criag ferguson states, 'have designed a molecule that wipes out cavities.  it destroys bacteria that causes cavities.  scientists are saying that they can put this molecule in toothpaste or even in food and then you will never lose a tooth unless you play hockey or crystal meth.  anyway, scientists have been working on this molecule for seven years and they've just started testing it on humans.  i love when scientists start testing things on humans, you think 'well what could possibly go wrong?'  well, i tell you what could go wrong: it could give rise to people with super human sized teeth, like julia roberts!  the new molecule could be on the market in the next couple years.  there are other ways to fight cavities, like eating healthy.  ha ha ha!  yeah right!  you know who needs those molecules?   britain!  they are not used to seeing healthy teeth.  i went back recently, this is true, and people thought i had plastic surgery done on my teeth!  people were like 'oh, look at you with your fancy capped teeth!'  they arent capped teeth, they are just brushed!  'oh, brushing your teeth, ya hollywood bastard?'  here in america people spend thousands and thousands of dollars to keep their teeth straight.  but i like to think that someday we will live in a world where we will accept gay teeth...'
- matthew mcconaughey
+ michael showalter reads from his new book mr. funny pants.

craig on who

the latest issue of entertainment weekly has a cover story about 'the cult of doctor who', which craig ferguson happens to be a big fan of.  in fact, matt smith, the current doctor who, had his first american television interview on the late late show with craig ferguson!  the article is about how doctor who has changed over the past few years from a small british tv show into a smash that continues to win over many american viewers.  in the article they talk with craig about his obvious love of the doctor:
'craig ferguson insists his who references on the late late show reflect less a desire to publicize the icon from the old country than an attempt to keep his own show fresh.  "i have to do a show that's interesting to me, because you'd lose your mind otherwise," says the scot, whose who viewing dates back to the late 60's.  "my show is about whatever the fuck i want to do.  if i want to dance around singing doctor who tunes, i'm going to do it!"'.
check out more about one of craig's favorite shows, and the rest of entertainment weekly's coverage, over at their website!

7-24-12

+ 'everyone is making sure they go home early', craig ferguson shares, 'because tonight is a very important night, nobody wanted to miss this, in the world of television: tonight was the finale of hgtv's design star!  have you seen the show?  its great!  interior designers fight to the death like gladiators.  its either to the death, or until they design a fabulous breakfast nook.  their motto is 'guts, glory, and glam!'  which is also the name of my testicles...  like anything else, interior design is subjective.  what you like i may hate, what i like you may hate.  the only difference is you would be wrong!  i decorated a room in my apartment from scratch, its amazing what you can do with imagination.  and 32 life size justin bieber posters!  anyway, the competition on design star can get pretty intense, every week they kick somebody out, but i guess they do that on all reality shows.  jeff probst on survivor says 'the tribe has spoken'.  i dont know what they say on design star, its probably something like 'get the feng shui out of here!'.'
- minnie driver
- colin mochrie

7-23-12

+ 'it is a great day for our friend over in britan.  they are called 'the british'. craig ferguson states, 'they won the tour de france!  the tour de france was won by bradley wiggins.  he is the first english man to triumph in france since henry the fifth opened a can of whoop ass and agincourt.  you are welcome five people...  in london today thousands of people drank and rioted, and then they heard about the tour de france!  i'd like to learn more about bicycling, i guess you'd say i'm 'bi-curious'.  come on, thats a great joke!  anyway, i am interested in any exercise that involves a lot of sitting down.  although, the real reason i dont do a lot of cycling is because it makes my junk numb.  however, i do know that when biking, your first task is safety.  you shouldnt take any chances, that why i wear a helmet up top and downstairs!  a lot of these professional bikers have a lot of problems with chaffing, you know, down below.  they use something called 'butt butter'.  thats what they call it.  butt butter, it prevents irritation down there, but man, does it taste awful on toast!'
- george hamilton
- julie gonzalo

7-20-12

+ 'hi everybody, good evening.' craig ferguson addresses from his desk.  'obviously the events of today would make it very difficult to broadcast a show tonight which began with the phrase 'its a great day for america'.  i dont know if you know this, our late night show, and in fact all late night shows are prerecorded. as chance would have it, the show you are about to see, tonights show, was recorded last night, before the terrible events in colorado.  and the monologue in that show was kind of about batman and the movie.  i felt that it was inappropriate to show that monologue tonight.  the rest of the show was fine and it was just our show, and i didnt want to pull the whole show off the air because i thought that would be unfair to our guests, and i didnt want to make a whole show about the events of colorado.  i'm sure there's been a lot of media coverage and there will be a lot more and i didnt want to add my rage and despair to everyone elses.  my job, i think here, is to give you a laugh or something interesting at the end of the day, maybe something to entertain you and is a bit silly.  there are times when that is very difficult to do.  i'm not going to try to make sense of it, i'm not going to try to blame anyone for what happened there.  how do you make sense of anything like that?  the difficulty in the job that i have sometimes if you have a show everyday, is to be topical but at the same time i try for the most part to ignore stories which are grizzly.  its not really my job, its being covered everywhere else.  but here tonight i cant ignore this one, but neither can i talk about it in front of an audience and the skeleton robot and all that.  that doesnt make sense either.  tonights show is what we try to do here, its a bit of fun, something easy before you go to sleep.  if you are watching in aurora, if you are in any way connected to this awful business: i'm sorry.  i'm sorry that that happened.  its just awful.  my thoughts and simpathies to al the people who were there.  i just remember that we are all diminished by this.'
- jason biggs
+ celebrity book readings.  jeff garlin reads from his book 'curbing it'.
- jordana brewster
> brian scolaro

7-19-12

+ 'not a great day for a friend of this show, a great comedian and actor, fred willard', craig ferguson regrets to inform, 'he was arrested last night.  72 years old, fred is.  he was arrested last night in a porno theater with his trousers down.  i'm not the only creepy old man out there now!  i was shocked when i heard this, i was like 'there are still porn theaters?!? thats adorable!'  i wonder if they show retro porn, you know, like with extra hair!  well, is sounds like the dark knight isnt the only thing rising in the theaters, if you know what i mean...  i have to say, i am a huge fan of fred willard, i like fred personally as a man, and i think at 72 years old he is still watching porn and making the effort to get in his car and drive to the theater...  he was arrested in an adult theater giving himself an act of self massage perhaps.  and i'm like isnt that what you are supposed to do in an adult theater?  like, is there anyone from downton abbey going 'what are you doing?  i came here for the enjoyable popcorn and the gene se qua of the atmosphere.'  its a porn theater!  whats next? he'll get arrested for eating in a restaurant?  dont worry fred, i recently got busted for doing the same thing at a recent showing of magic mike.  we love you fred, no judgement here.  a little bit of mirth, some rib tickling, but no judgement here.'
- kenneth branagh
> ted alexandro

7-18-12

+ 'its a great day for america if you like mashed potatoes', craig ferguson informs, 'well, who doesnt like mashed potatoes?  no one.  even al quida loves potatoes, they are like 'death to america, except idaho!  your tasty spuds melt my cold disdain for your western decadence!'  today a seven-11 store in singapore introduced a new food dispenser, an instant mashed potato dispenser.  i'm very excited about this!  i've been waiting for this my whole life!  you see, when i was a kid grown up in scotland, there were very popular commercials for an instant mashed potato product called smash.  its true, it was a powder that you added water to and you got mashed potatoes.  i thought it was the future!  the commercial was creepy robots who mocked humans for all the work they did to make mashed potatoes instead of just adding water.  and we have the actual commercial!  [craig then shows this commercial].  for mash get smash!  thats when jingles were jingles!  we've got our mashed potato machine now, so take that robots that used to scare the crap out of me!'
- ray romano
= trampled by turtles

7-17-12

+ 'its not such a great day over in england', craig ferguson explains, 'they are going nuts over in london!  or as they say over in england 'things are higledy bigledy over here!  everyone is going bonkers!'  londoners are finding out that its not so easy to prepare for the olympics, the city is gridlocked.  i used to live in london and the city is always gridlocked.  eight million people live in london, and they are expecting four more for the olympics.  four more million, not just four more people!  four people are coming to the olympics?  'oh, blimey!  its a disaster! only four people showed up!'  twelve million people are expected in london.  to give you an idea of how many people that is, take the number of people who watch this show and add 12 million!  the games havent even started yet and the traffic is terrible.  people say they havent seen this many rearenders since elton john's last party.'
- cedric the entertainer
- ari graynor

7-16-12

+ 'its a great day for the people of manhatten', criag ferguson states, 'manahatten today has been named new york's sexiest borough.  named by who?!?  anyway, theres two reasons: a. of all the bouroughs, manhatten has the hightest percentage of people who have downloaded '50 shades of grey'.  everybody's crazy about this book right now, its a very popular work of erotica.  its very important that you call it erotica, if women like it its called erotica, if men like it its called porn.  women like to read their porn, men like to see it.  the only time porn and erotica can be the same thing at the same time is when a man gets caught watching porn- no! its erotica!  the 50 shades of grey book is very racey, its about what the folks call bdsm.  it stands for bondage, discipline, scrotum and meatballs, i think.  you know, all that bondage stuff with the whips and the chains and the spankings, the purple nerpals, the reverse teletubies...  he fifty shades books are written by a british woman named e.l. james and right now she makes over a million dollars a week on these books.  so her safe word is 'ka-ching'!  she used to work as a tv executive, so she has a lot of experience in humiliating other people!'
- julie chen
- chris messina

6-29-12

+ 'its friday! a bunch of movies coming out this weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'the movie ted, its about the teddy bear that learned how to cuss, also magic mike, about a bunch of male strippers.  i dont need to see that, i lived that!  i danced under the name floaty powers.  i remember a bear named ted that enjoyed my work, actually.  also tyler perry's madea's witness protection opens and we have tyler perry on the show tonight!  tyler perry plays three roles in the movie, which is impressive and also economically very clever.  a lot of people say 'that tyler perry, he's a bit of a business man', you bet he is!  'lets see, who's in this movie?  me, i could do that too!  and i could give myself a salery for that one too!'  i think its impressive, most nights i can barely muster the energy to play with myself here.  ooh!  i mean play myself!'
- tyler perry

6-28-12

+ 'its a great day for president obama', craig ferguson states, 'his health care was upheld by the supreme court.  the president apparently had three speeches prepared this morning:  one if the law was overturned, one if it was upheld, and one if joe biden chewed up the other two.  the president is very cocky now, he released a statement today saying 'you know who this health care doesnt affect?  osama bin laden!'  and then he added 'yeah, i was born in kenya, so what?'.  the media went nuts this morning, all the different media outlets of course have their own point of view: msnbc went 'yeah!', at fox news all the conservatives were like 'grrrr', and bravo was like 'one more day till magic mike opens!'  you know that some people watching cnn were so shocked that they started rioting!  just kidding, no one watches cnn.  you know, one thing is for sure, now that health care is assured, i'm going to be frying everything i eat!  thats me, fried food and cigarettes!  i'm going to deep fry cigarettes and get all the goodness!'
- denis leary
= brandi carlile

6-27-12

uh oh!  looks like the lights are out again!
'i know what you are thinking: 'oh craig, it looks like an episode of twilight on your show tonight!' the lighting is sort of working but not working at the show tonight', craig ferguson explains, 'some electricity is getting in and other electricity is not getting in.  what happened was that there was we have got the power but it fused in our can. whatever that is.  i'm not kidding, there's like a dozen electricians working backstage.  we should bring out the electricians.  come on out!  rest assured that these gentlemen will do their best to fix our can and we will continue to do the show the best we can.  also, this answers another question: is cbs unionized?'
- lisa kudrow
# harvey weinstein

goeff's snake mug

craig ferguson has one of the coolest mugs on tv!  he always has his trusty coiled mug on his desk during 'the late late show', sipping from it when ever he is thirsty, or whenever a guest is particularly bad...  well, have you noticed that geoff has his own snake mug as well?

i ordered myself one of craig's mugs, and now i've got geoff's mug as well!  i ordered it from houseoftasso.com, which is about the only place you can find these things online!  they did such a great job with the coiled mug, that i knew they would deliver for the geoff snake mug as well.  sure enough, it arrived safe and in one piece- thanks guys!

when i got it i found a bit of a surprise- you cant really tell from seeing it on the show, but there is a little ceramic snake head poking up from inside the mug!  i'm sure it would be pretty funny if you are drinking coffee from it and as you drink there is a creepy snake head that reveals itself the more you drink!  i may have to try that, actually...

6-26-12

+ 'its a great day if you are a spice girl fan', craig feruson shares, 'and who isnt?  everybody loves the spice girls!  who were the spice girls again?  there was posh, sporty, sleepy, dopey, grumpy, regis, and tito.  anyway, the spice girls were a huge band, they were like that band 'one direction', but not quite as girly...  oh, i feel the wrath of teenage girls already!  calm down, girls, its a joke!  cause i know teenage girls never miss this show...  anyway, the spice girls are reunited today to announce a new stage play based on their music.  its going to be like 'mamma mia' except crap!'
- william shatner
- breckin meyer

6-25-12

+ 'it turns out that the golden state, california, is sinking faster than ever before', craig ferguson informs, 'scientists say that sea levels here will rise six inches by 2020.  six inches!  it gets worse though, scientists say that over the next 100 years the coast of california will sink almost five feet.  five feet!  that actually doesnt really matter unless you are tom cruise or ryan seacrest, who cares?  its going to be tough for them in their little cars!  now, i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that climate change is a serious problem.  we are all going to have to do what we can, unless that means i have to change stuff, then i'm not doing it!  i am not giving up my coal powered hot tub or my steam car or my hair spray.  seriously, if we dont act now the freeways here in l.a. will be under water and we will all be riding italian gondolas to work- which would be faster than driving on the freeways here anyway!'
- elijah wood
- kathleen rose perkins

guess what her majesty is thinking

every once in a while craig ferguson adds another option for the guests to select as their interview time draws to a close.  after recently receiving a collectible plate of the queen's jubilee from carrie fischer, craig has decided to add an option taking advantage of this item.  its called 'guess what her majesty is thinking'.  craig explains it like this: 'we have imagined a scenario where her majesty the queen has been falsely imprisoned, you must guess her thoughts'.  craig then holds the plate (which has been encased in a black box with two jail bars over the front of it) in front of his face and, with a high voice, impersonates the queen!  man, this stuff just gets weirder and weirder, huh?

6-22-12

+ jeff daniels starts the show with a song!  'last night jeff daniels was here but we ran out of time and he couldnt do his song, so we invited him back to start tonight's show with a song.  are you ready jeff?  i really hope its good...' craig ferguson says.
to introduce his song, jeff daniels says 'neil sedaka wrote a song called 'breaking up is hard to do'.  i wrote a breaking up song called 'baby take your tongue out of my mouth, i'm kissing you goodbye'.  and, boy was it a silly one!
+ 'you know, theres a really good movie coming out that i'm excited about', craig ferguson states, 'now, usually when i come out here and i say there is a great movie coming out i am lying, or high on mescaline.  one of these things may be true tonight, but there really is a great movie coming out, its called 'brave' by pixar, which means its good. which is strange because i'm in it!  the main character is a feisty scottish princess who cant play by the rules. remind you of anyone? she's a great heroine, she's much tougher than most cartoon princesses. because, lets be honest, snow white was defeated by a piece of fruit! the character i play is lord macintosh. a couple years ago i did the voice in 'how to train your dragon' and i'm doing the sequel next. now, the dragon movies are from dreamworks, so i've worked with dreamworks and disney pixar. they are the rivals of dreamworks. its like an east coast and west coast thing- i could end up getting shot by goofy or something! 'ghyuck! west side, bitch!'.'
- mark wahlberg
* sloane crosley

6-21-12

+ 'new york city is crazy right now, there are apparently bees going crazy right now', craig ferguson informs, 'i dont know whats going on with bees, last year everyone was like 'all the bees are gone!  there's no bees left!  oh no, the bees!'  now they are all swarming?  they are like the kardashians- they are everywhere!  its dangerous to have a plague of bees in this hot weather, its difficult to warn people.  cause you go 'swarm!' and they say 'i know its warm, whats your point, mister?'  'swarm! swarm!'  anyway, the bee infestation thing is scary, new yorkers are tense, they are on edge and ready to snap at any second.  and then they found out about the bees!  now, if you are ever attacked by bees always remember: stop, drop, and roll.  thats what you do: stop, drop, and roll.  the bees will still sting you, but it looks really funny when you are rolling around down there.'
- jeff daniels
* john irving

6-20-12

+ 'not only is it a great day for america, its also a hot day in america!' craig ferguson states.  'not so much here in l.a., here its just 70 degrees with a heavy douche bag advisery, but thats every day.  in new york it was 102 degrees!  the entire northeast section of the country was hot today, it was so hot today that new yorkers fired mayor bloomburg and hired mayor iceburg!  it was so hot lance armstrong injected himself with cold lemonade.  i blame this strange weather thats going on right now on something that scientists call 'summer'.  today is the summer solstice, today is the day of our maximum axial tilt toward the sun.  its a fancy scientific high falootin way of saying its the longest day of the year.  in england today, thousands of people who call themselves 'modern day druids' gathered together at stonehenge.  they cant sacrifice virgins like the olden days, so they are probably just playing hackey sack.  cause its like an english version of burning man, but with more nudity and less teeth.'
- morgan freeman
= ben dukes

6-19-12

+ 'its not such a great day for the art world', craig ferguson informs, 'police in huston texas are looking for a man who walked into an art museum and spray painted a picasso.  the painting is called 'woman in red armchair'.  they guy who vandalized the painting is still at large.  i'm sure soon the cops will have the right guy in custudy unless he's framed.  ah, there!  see?  there's your shitty late night humor right there!  there's your well crafted little joke put together by a disappointed harvard graduate right there!  thats how it works!  a member of a good american wga, union of writers, put together that joke and i went out there and sold it like i loved it!  ah, thats the end of the good stuff.  anyway, the picasso was worth tens of millions of dollars and then it was ruined in seconds.  i havent seen anything loose value that fast since facebook's ipo.  another joke!  there's two jokes right there- two jokes and only one cuss!'
- steve carell
* don winslow

6-18-12

+ 'its a great day, of course, for sir paul mccartney', craig ferguson shares, 'yes, he's seventy years old today.  he's still the cute one!  i cant believe he's seventy!  some people say that seventy is the new sixty.  and the people who say that are me.  because that makes sixty the new fifty, and that makes fifty the new forty, and thats not too old to get a navel stud!  now, paul is seventy though.  he's going to have to change the lyrics to the song, its no longer 'when i'm sixty four', but now when i WAS sixty four!  let it be is now 'let me pee'.  i think its great that paul mccartney is still putting on concerts at seventy years old.  the only other british musician putting concerts on at seventy is madonna...  the rolling stones are as old as sir paul, and they are still going.   although, rumor has it that they will be breaking up after they tour next summer.  i dont mean the band, i mean pieces of them will actually be breaking off!'
+ first minister of scotland, alex salmond, stops by to help out with tweets and emails!
- kelly macdonald
- kevin mckidd

6-15-12

+ 'it is of course friday- aw, thank goodness! i've been waiting for this day since yesterday!'  craig ferguson exclaims, 'big movie opening today called 'rock of ages'.  its a musical about hair metal bands from the 1980's.  which makes me a bit torn, really.  part of me is like 'do i really want to hear songs that i hated the first time around?'  and the other part of me is like 'its a musical!!!'  to be honest, i'm not the biggest fan of hair metal.  how good can a musical genre be when it is known for its hair style?  a lot of the hair metal songs are popular again because of the video games.  you know, the video games like rock band or guitar hero.  cause nothing says 'rock and roll' like playing a video game in your parent's basement.  what i never understood about guitar hero is that if you go through all the trouble to be good at guitar hero, why dont you just fucking learn the guitar?!?'
- jenna elfman
= imagineers

6-14-12

+ 'there's only one story going on in everyone's mind today', criag ferguson shares, 'are you going to accept pizza from vending machines?!?  thats right!  its true!  in a few months pizza vending machines will be installed all over america.  this is great news!  just when you thought america couldnt get any more awesome, pizza vending machines!  even al quida is thinking 'i was so certain that i thought i hated america, but pizza vending machines?  i dont know what to do!'  the pizza vending machine is the brain child of an italian entrepreneur, and as far as i am concerned, this is the guy that deserves a nobel prize!  more so than the 2011 winner saul perlmutter, his accelerating the expansion theory of the universe is a bunch of crap!  hey perlmutter, accelerate to hell!'
* don rickles
- max greenfield

6-13-12

+ 'tonight was the premier of the new version of the tv show dallas', craig ferguson informs, 'and it has larry hagman in it!  he was the original j.r.  dallas was the original prime time soap, it was great.  it had the cool plot twists and the evil twins, the amnisiacs.  it had an entire season that turned out to be a dream!  thats true, they actually did that on dallas.  a character's husband died and a year later she wakes up and realizes its all a dream and her husband was standing there waiting for her in the shower!  which is weird, because waking up with some guy in the shower is how my dreams start!  the producers of the new dallas are hoping people remember the shower scene thing because they are using that image in the advertisements.  j.r. is even wearing a cowboy hat in the shower!  the original dallas started back in 1978.  back then america was very different:  we had an ineffective one term president, gas prices were through the roof, we were in a stand off with iran...  i'm glad those dark days are over!'
- ellen page
= lee brice

6-12-12

+ 'it is of course, a great day for the superb los angeles kings!'  craig ferguson exclaims, 'hey canadians, if you are looking for the stanley cup, its right here!  no, the l.a. kings beat the new jersey devils and they brought the cup to l.a.  tinsel town is now hockey town.  although, those of us who have to live here will always know it as crap town.  first of all, let me just say, if you are a fan of the new jersey devils, you may not get the stanley cup, but you get the new jersey equivalent:  the snookie cup!  which you can still fill it up with booze and pass it around to all your friends...  the l.a. kings have been around for 45 years and this is the first time they have won the stanley cup.  it was a bit of a scandal after the game though because some of the players tested positive for having their own teeth!'
- andy garcia
- cody horn

6-11-12

+ 'last week i got my colonoscopy', craig ferguson shares, 'i was going to upload the pictures online.  i did!  i got it, my long awaited colonoscopy.  i kept putting it off and putting it off.  i was going to upload the full video of it but i decided to hold off because i want morgan freeman to narrate it.  cause everything is better if you've got morgan freeman narrating, it gives it a classier feel.  it classes everything up!  no, i was really nervous, i was on the way there and i was trying to take my mind off it.  it didn't help that the sidewalk was under construction and i had to enter through the back door, i'm thinking 'get it out of your mind!'  in the waiting room the newspaper said something about fannie may.  'get it out of your mind!'  and the movie playing on the tv was 'rear window'...  the doctor was great through, i asked him if there was anything abnormal.  he said 'well, you smiling during the procedure is a little abnormal...'.'
- jason schwartsman
> rory scovel

a new director

at the end of the week, craig took a little bit of time at the end of friday's episode to recognize someone who is leaving the show: 'we mess around on the show, but i want to take a minute now to bid farewell to our director brian mcaloon who has been directing this show since tom snyder was doing it, he did it when craig kilborn was doing it, and he's been doing it for the 8 years i've been doing it.  i'm really sorry, man!  he's been working at the worldwide pants company that makes this show for 32 years and finally he's got something better.'
the next monday, craig has on the new director, tim mancinelli, and welcomes him to the show.  granted, tim has been an assistant director in the show for 17 years, so he might already have a pretty good idea of how things should go!  there are already some slight changes, including the shot over geoff's shoulder pictured above.  should be fun to keep an eye out for any other subtle differences as time goes on!

bridger: car breaker.

'please state your name for the folks at home.' craig asks as he circles bridger, who works on the late late show.
'bridger winegar'.
'now, tell the folks where you work, bridger.' craig asks.
'the late late show'.
'now, bridger, you are dressed up in a costume this evening which i suspect is making you a little uncomfortable.  is that true?'
'um, yes.'  bridger admits meekly.
'any idea why you are dressed in that costume, bridger?'
'ah, no.'
'bridger, what is your position here at this show?'  craig asks.
'um, i'm a production assistant'.
'bridger, did you go and fetch anyone's car recently from anyone's house?'
'yes...'  bridger responds, finally putting together where craig is taking this conversation.
'bridger, when you were fetching that car for someone, did you crash that fucking car?'
'yes'.
'well, guess what, bridger.  i today got the estimate for the repair bill on that car.  so you better get used to this costume buddy.  i'm only kidding pal, its all right, dont worry about it.  its fine.  i didnt really like that car anyway.'
'its a nice car'.
'it was, it was a nice car. now? its a piece of crap.  the main thing is that we have moved passed it.'
'i hope so...'

6-01-12

+ 'there's a big movie opening this weekend and i'm very excited about it', craig ferguson states, 'ha ha ha!  i couldnt give a rats ass!  but its a big movie, its snow white and the huntsman.  what they are doing, hollywood is taking a beloved children's story and turning it into another one of those twilight things.  if they really want to make money on this thing, they should call it snow white and the avengers!  snow white is the girl from twilight, you know, the angry stoned girl?  she's got to be high because she didnt choose jacob- whats wrong with you!  the movie also has charlize theron as the evil queen and every morning she speaks into her mirror and asks 'mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?'  thats in the movie.  she's a person willing to commit murder just to keep a more youthful appearance.  we have a name for that type of person in los angeles, its called 'everyone'.'
- jeff garlin
- sonya walger

5-31-12

+ 'its not such a great day for those who live in new york city', craig ferguson shares, 'mayor bloomburg is cracking down on the dangerous threat to the big apple right now: soda.  its true, he wants to outlaw sodas and other sugary drinks over 16 ounces.  in the streets of manhattan people are enraged, they were yelling, shaking their fists.  and then they heard about the soda ban and were furious!  this ban only applies to large sodas, 16 ounces or more.  so if this ban were kardashians, they would only be banning khloe.  new yorkers, i've got a tip for you: here's a way to get around the ban, just buy two 12 ounce sodas.  that way you get all the soda you wont in exchange for paying twice the sales tax.  bloomburg, you midget genius!  health experts say that banning sugary drinks is a way to cure the obesity epidemic.  the soda industry says they have medical studies showing that soda does not cause obesity.  unfortunately, these studies were done by a dr. pepper.'
- carrie fisher
- tony hale

5-30-12

+ 'what was on espn today?' craig ferguson asks, 'the national spelling bee.  i watched it.  i was so glad i payed for cable...  go spelling!  they say that the national spelling bee is open for anyone who has not yet finished 8th grade.  hey, i qualify!  for a while there, schools across the country were banning spelling bees for obvious reasons: steroids.  some people take the spelling bee very seriously, these people are called 'parents of children in the spelling bee'.  you know, trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.  we didnt have the spelling bee when i was a kid, we had the punching bee.  you know, 'how do you spell cat?' 'stop asking questions!' pop!'
- howie mandel
- sutton foster

5-29-12

+ 'today they announced that they are going to auction off elvis' tomb', craig ferguson states, 'this auction house in memphis is actually selling the place where elvis left the building!  he's not still there, of course, he's buried in graceland.  i dont know if i would buy a tomb.  who would buy a tomb?  i dont need a scary dark place with a skeleton, i've got this place here!'
- dj qualls who brings geoff a special gift from his visit to london!
-> wolfgang puck

5-28-12

+ 'you know, its memorial day', craig ferguson states, 'and that means summer is here.  a lot of americans had today off, not me of course.  how long do i have to be a citizen before i get the day off?  anyone who is important in this town had plans today, going to pool parties and barbeques except me and the audience.  all the other late night talk shows are in repeats, but not us!  because this show cares and imigrant labor is cheap.  also, we are taking next week off.  oops, i'm not supposed to say that!  all right, we will be here next week and i've decided the theme for next week will be 'stuff i've talked about before'!  i dont do well at barbeques anyway, that type of thing.  i'm afraid of the sun.  i wear shorts hiked up to my nipples, socks pulled up to my thighs, i wear the giant old people robot sunglasses- i actually cant wait to move to florida.  'welcome to the late late show, now at 3:00 pm!  so you can get to bed!'.'
- benjamin mckensie
- shohreh aghdashloo

5-25-12

+ 'its a big weekend at the movies!  are you ready for the most anticipated movie of the summer?' craig ferguson asks, 'well, i'm sorry, batman is not out for another couple of months.  but, this weekend there is men in black 3!  so for all of you who are sick of sequels and comic book movies, hollywood has an answer:  this one is a sequel and a comic book movie!  men in black 3 is probably a pretty good movie, though, cause its got will smith in it.  everyone likes will smith.  even al quida loves will smith!  'oh, death to america, except the fresh prince!  i love how he gets jiggy with it!'.  it also stars tommy lee jones, now this is tricky for me because i often get him confused with tommy lee.  now, tommy lee jones and tommy lee are very very different.  one is a wild man who is always on drugs and trying to show you his penis, and the other is in the band motley crue.  apparently there are some celebrity cameos in this as well, lady gaga is in it.  she is a really weird looking creature from another planet.  i dont know what her role in the movie is, though.  i like how the men in black films suggest that certain famous people are aliens.  its funny cause we know celebrities arent aliens in real life.  (they are!  they are!).'
- jason alexander, who gets into a bit of trouble with what he talks about...
- angela kinsey

5-24-12

+ 'its a great day to be in new york city', criag ferguson shares, 'its fleet week!  you know, when dozens of the u s navy ships dock and sailors can go and party in the big apple- 'new york, new york!'  yep, fleet week in new york, and i'm stuck here.  sigh.  when all the sailors are on leave, things can get a big rowdy in new york, all the drinking and hooting, and whistling, and sex being solicited in every corner.  but eventually the police will taser regis philbin and we can all get back to our fun!  this is the first fleet week since the military repealed the 'dont ask, dont tell', so new york's only gay hotel is actually handing out coupons for affordable packages... and they also have deals on groups of rooms!'
- alfred molina
= sara watkins

5-23-12

+ 'the american idol finale was on earlier tonight!' craig ferguson shares, 'i dont watch it, but you've got to respect it though, its turned out to be the archetype for hundreds of shows.  without american idol there wouldnt be 'the x factor', 'the voice', 'sing sing, ya fat bastard', 'dance, monkey, dance', 'i cant believe its not butter'...  american idol started out in britain, they called it pop idol.  there are now versions all around the world, youve got canadian idol, italian idol, german idol.  well, german idol is just french idol, they just took it... anyway, one of tonights finalists is named phillip phillips.  i think that sounds like lazy parenting to me!  'what name would you like your baby, mrs. phillips?'  'phillip.  what do you want, i just had a fucking baby!'.  congratulations to both of tonights finalists, they are both very talented, of course.  but you dont need to be talented to be on tv.  clearly!  being successful at show business is more about working hard and kissing ass, or working hard at kissing ass.  but i refused to work hard or kiss ass.  and thats how i ended up here in the basement at cbs.  with a robot skeleton.'
- jennifer love hewitt
- rutina wesley