1-08-10

+ craig ferguson starts off the show with a funny bit with jason segel and his pee pee.

+ 'there's two big birthdays in the world of music today', craig ferguson shares, 'david bowie is 63 today, ziggy stardust still looks good, i hope i look that good when im 63. i'll probably look like a stained old sofa when i'm 63. its also the kings birthday, elvis presley, he would have been 75 today. elvis and david bowie are very different though, one of them was a music legend who was wacked out on drugs and wore sparkly jumpsuits... actually, they are pretty similar if you think about it. anyway, david bowie has always been surrounded by rumors that he was gay, now the gay rumors started with a misunderstanding because he did an interview with a british journalist who got the impression he was gay. i dont know why, it might have been the part of the interview when david bowie said 'i'm gay'. then a few years later david bowie's ex wife said she caught him in bed with mick jager, which i dont believe, i dont see mick jager as someone who swings both ways... i miss the day when rock stars were known for decadent sexual behavior, now if you want to see that sort of thing, you have to watch golf. rock and roll used to be unpredictable and rebellious, now most rock stars are just corporate monkeys dancing for pennies thrown by the man. and thats my thing, so knock it off, you bastards!'

- jason segel he and craig have so much fun, he ends up staying for the whole show!

1-07-10

+ "the consumer electronics show is this weekend', craig ferguson informs us, 'when it comes to electronics, i'm something of a luddite. do you know what luddites are? luddites are british people in the early 19th century who protested against the industrial revolution, they felt technology was ruining their lives. they were textile workers, so they thought the weaving loom was the work of the devil. they were like 'we dont like the weaving loom, its the work of the devil! we like things the way they are, you know, expensive old fashioned way of making pants, the black death, taxation without repesentation- thats one of our favorites.' they thought the weaving loom was satan's work. because everybody knows, satan loves quality trousers.'
> steven wright
- michelle monaghan

1-06-10

+ 'now, yesterday i spent the whole monologue talking about crabs', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the kind that live in the sea because there was a new species of crab discovered. anyway, today there is even more exciting news from the sea that i want to talk about. i guess that makes this 'sea week' on the show. keep in mind, sea week might not go past tonight though... earlier today there was trouble on the high seas. now, what was the trouble? i hear you ask. was it sharks? was it pirates? no, whale hunters. they rammed their ship right into some anti whaling protesters. actually, i support all those environmental groups like green peace, but nothing makes those guys angrier than whaling. except maybe if you take their weed. i'm glad people are out there fighting for animal rights. they disrupt the whaling, they fight the elephant poachers, they fight for the right for dogs to play poker. now, the protesters had to be evacuated to another boat called, and i'm not kidding, the 'bob barker'. they were thinking about updating the boat and calling it the 'drew carrey', but they would need a bigger boat. take that, old friend! apparently what happened is that bob barker donated money to this protesting group and they named the boat after him. i think that's why they named the boat after him, that what they say, but i think they named it after him is because it's old and leaky. i'm kidding, i love bob barker. last time i had him on he tried to have me spade and neutered. the whaling boat is from japan, they hunt more whales than anyone else. shouldnt they be hunting godzilla? a whale isn't going to destroy tokyo, godzilla is!'
- ray romano
= herb alpert

marshmallow gun

recently craig ferguson got a new toy! during one of the segments of 'the late late show with craig ferguson' he pulled out a little marshmallow gun! its a little gun made of pvc pipes that he put little marshmallows in, pointed it at the audience, then blew through the hole- out pops a marshmallow! as he was first playing with it he jokingly asked the director why he had it: 'is this so i am more appealing to a younger demographic?!?' yup, it sure is! if he plays with this all the time, it reminds me of rosie o'donnell and her koosh balls! oh, maybe there's an endorsement deal in the works here!!!

1-05-10

+ 'today is a great day if you are a fan of crabs', craig ferguson announces, 'its true, and who isnt a fan of crabs? if you have tuned in tonight to hear the latest crab news, then tonights your lucky night! because scientists have discovered a brand new species of crab, its called the strawberry crab. why? i'll tell you why: because it looks like a strawberry. isnt that adorable? and its tasty i imagine as well. i'd rather have a case of strawberries than a case of crabs. but you can get either at a road side stand for ten bucks. i learned that the hard way. anyway, the scientists found the crab of the coast of taiwan, i think they heard it call or something 'come to me, i look like a delicious fruit!' same thing i call every night 'come to me, i look like a delicious fruit!' but the strawberry crab may be cute, but he's still a crab. and i dont like crabs. i'll tell you why: i dont like anything that walks sideways. i dont like crabs, ancient egyptians, and lawyers. alright, thats a bit harsh, i didnt mean to offend the ancient egyptians.

+ craig got a marshmallow gun to shoot at the audience.

+ craig calls kathy griffin to see how her CNN new years eve gig went.

- patricia heaton

= yonder mountain string band

1-04-10

+ 'we are back! today is the start of our sixth season,' craig ferguson exclaims, 'five years yesterday we were on the air. thats 4.9 years longer than anyone thought we were gunna last. thats absolutely true. i havent received any anniversary gifts yet, traditionally, on the sixth anniversary you are supposed to give wood. i have been waiting 5 years to do that joke! anyway, this year i promise you clever jokes, whity insights, topical humor. but only if you are watching HBO, cause here at CBS, same old crap.'

+ as a part of the new years, craig makes a resolution that he is going to try and learn spanish! he says that by the end of the year he will do a show entirely in spanish. i dont think he really thought this one out very well...

- rosie perez

= switchfoot

12-23-09

+ 'at my house, christmas is at a fever pitch', craig ferguson shares, 'my son is 8 and a half, so there is a lot of jumping up and down, looking for presents, crawling up the chimney- and my son is pretty excited too. he's at the age where he's starting to suspect that santa clause might not be what he appears, and i understand that. when i was his age i was suspicious too, i remember i used to leave refreshments for santa: cookies and whiskey. thats refreshments where i come from. we used to have that at half time at soccer games at school. 'alright children, come over for your cookies and whiskey!' 'ok, thank you!' anyway, we would leave cookies and whiskey out for santa. then the next morning i noticed my dad's breath smelled like whiskey and cookies. then i realized the awful truth: my dad had been making out with santa!'

+ an interview with tim meadows from the mall of america

- paris hilton

-> jose andres

12-22-09

+ 'its a great day for me because i just finished my christmas shopping', craig ferguson shares, 'i always finish my christmas shopping before christmas. i got up early to get to the mall, hours before dawn, it was brutal. me, arnold schwarzenegger, and sinbad all fighting for the same toy, we are all rolling around on the ground wrestling and pinching each other. then the stores open and we have to go get some things... you know what i do these days? a lot of people do this, they shop online. they say its quicker than shoping at the mall, but its not for me, because at the mall i cant be distracted by porn.'
+ a sean connery christmas memory
- kathy griffin
= harry connick jr.

12-21-09

+ 'i had a very busy weekend' craig ferguson tells, 'yes i did, i was out this weekend and i bought a christmas tree for my house. well, you know, for everyone in my house, not just for my house, its not like 'there you go, house, merry christmas'. now, when i was single i just had a drawing of a tree taped to the fridge, that and mistletoe underwear. but now that i'm married, i have a big domesticated christmas with the christmas tree. we went to the parking lot tree sales. here in l.a. you can buy trees in the same parking lots that sold pumpkins last month. so in december they sell christmas trees, in november they sell pumpkins, and in the summer they sell crack! thats true! anyway, i put the tree up in the living room and my dog peed on it. now, i know what you are thinking, but he did not learn that from me!'

+ a sean connery holiday memory

+ betty white as a salvation army bell ringer

= renee fleming

> jim mcdonald

12-18-09

+ 'its a great weekend in hollywood, i'm very excited' craig ferguson admits, 'theres a big movie that opens today, i'm very excited about it, its one of the most anticipated movies of the year. expect long lines at the movie theaters all weekend. its avatar. you know, the science fiction one, with the planet with the blue people. they look like cats! that means it will be successful. people love cats! i dont know why. the play 'cats' ran on broadway for over 100 years. if the people who made avatar are smart, there will be scene in the film where a cat bursts into song with all the other cats who all sing along in cockney accents 'oh, i'm a big blue cat, me name is socks! and i left a present in me litter box!' ah, cockney singing cats, there isnt anything funnier than that! anyway, the avatar movie cost 300 million dollars to make. which doesnt mean its good, i havent seen it so i dont know. but you dont need 300 million dollars to make a good movie, all you need is a good script, good actors, and boobies. now that i think about it, you dont really need actors or a script...'

- dame judi dench

- michelle rodriguez

12-17-09

+ 'its a big anniverary today' craig ferguson reminds us, 'mine? no, mine's on monday- i remembered, just in time! no, its 106 years ago this very day, the wright brothers in south carolina i think, the first air plane flight. the first flight was just 12 seconds long. it would have been shorter, but they had to change planes in st. louis... the wright brothers, of course, were wilber wright and orvile wright. they were bicycle manufacturers, some how they got this crazy idea that they could build an aircraft. basically, they were the 'jackass' guys of their day. historians say the wright brothers were constantly tinkering with their airplanes. they spent years experimenting with various models. much like tiger woods... now i've told you this before, i love the aviation. im a bit of an aviation buff, i am. there is something magical about looking down from above. everything looks great from above: buildings, freeways, clevage.'

- sigourney weaver

* hank stuever

12-16-09

+ 'the most terrifying news story today', craig ferguson warns, 'is that octopuses use coconuts for shelter. octopuses have learned to use coconuts! i couldnt believe it, i always thought more than one octopus was called octopi, but its octopuses. what? thats what it is! i have no idea why, dont email me english majors, i dont care. but heres why it doesnt make sense to me: if you have more than one cactus, youve got a cacti. if you have more than one stimulus, youve got stimuli. if youve got more than fungus, youve probably had sex with bret micheals. but i do like octopi because it makes me hungry because i think of eight pies. and pie is the tarzan to my stomachs jane... that doesnt even make sense for this show! anyway, it turns out they dig up coconuts from the ocean floor and make stuff! isnt that adorable? they make shelters, weapons, pina coladas. my mother used to always say 'i'm not an octopus, i cant do eight things at once. which i never understood, just cause youve got eight arms, doesnt mean you can do eight things at once. its a ridiculous notion, although my mother did used to hide in a coconut.'

+ a collection of christmas specials from different famous people: sarah palin, andy rooney, kate gosselin, simon cowell, willie nelson, paula abdul, and tom cruise.

- bob barker

# greta van susteren

12-15-09 1000th episode!

+ for this special 1000th episode of 'the late show with craig ferguson' our favorite hand puppet, the crocadilli-alligator wavey is hosting! in fact, for the 1000th episode, craig isnt even on it! everything is over run with puppets! wavey interviews the guests, does the monologue, and introduces the show. the rest of the show is filled with puppets too, including all the regular bits. check out the pictures for more:

- jason schwartzman

+ a sean connery holiday memory. its the same old funny bit, but this time sean connery is a puppet of a goat. actually, it makes it even funnier!

+ dear aquaman. just like a regular aguaman bit where he answers emails, but this time aquaman is a shark with a human body and blond hair.

- maria bello

- dracula puppet by jason segal from 'forgetting sarah marshall' singing 'dracula's lament'
- kristen bell
+ a song with wavey, a harem of women, all the show's supporting players, and prince charles! (which is the only time we actually see craig ferguson on his own 1000th show)

12-14-09

+ 'guess what happened to me over the weekend', craig ferguson asks, 'i'll tell you. so, i was in nashville friday night, doing a little show in nashville, very nice, country music, everyone very pleasant, cowboy hats, cowboy boots, country music, politeness. lovely. saturday morning i have an early flight to l.a., but there is no direct flight from nashville to la on saturday morning, so i had to get a connecting flight through houston texas. a perfectly normal thing to do, people do it all the time. i get there early and i go up to the desk, everyone's very nice, i'm on the plane, a very small plane. and i'm on the plane and i think 'this plane is busy, theres just too many people for this small place'. its ten past six in the morning. then the gate agent comes on 'the flight is over booked, someone has to get off, its over booked and over weight'. and i'm like 'tell me about it, that exactly what i'm like!' so they are asking around to get people off, and i think well, i've got to go to make my connecting flight, but the flight is taking a while, i'm never going to make it. i say 'ok, ill get off'. so i get off the plane, i think 'well, i've got to get to l.a.' i get off and go up to the ticket agent. i ask 'all right, just get me to l.a.' they say 'oh, thanks for doing that.' i went 'its allright, you over booked the flight though' 'yeah, we've been doing that a lot lately'. i talk with this guy and he says 'i can get you back to l.a. through st. louis'. i get the ticket and i see its a six hour layover in st. louis airport. and as much as i like the people of st. louis, six hours aint going to cut it for me. i decide you know what, i'm going to get a car and drive up to atlanta and see a buddy who lives there. now, as im walking away, the guy says 'hey, i love your show'. and im thinking 'he knows i'm on tv...' and he says 'hey, dont bad mouth us on tv!' oh, there's no way i would bad mouth you on tv, CONTINENTAL AIRLINES!!! anyway, i went to see my buddy, stayed in atlanta for the night, and then i flew home on a big comfortable plane operated by DELTA AIRLINES who were very very nice! your welcome airline industry!'

- joshua jackson

- lake bell

= reba mcentire

12-11-09

+ 'do you know the hell of presenting a television show every night where you just talk?', craig ferguson asks, 'i'll tell you, you never know what offensive crap you are going to say next. this is why, what happens is this: the people like me, who are basically just wiseasses and just talk for a living, we would start doing these shows. we would just come out and say anything. soon we were saying things and people would go 'hey, you cant say that!' and they would be right. we were just talking. now what we do is we have scripts. we look at these scripts and ponder over them and lawyers come in and go 'yes, i think that would be acceptable for small americans' or you know, what ever it is, the group of people who would be offended by your 'comedy'. but heres the problem: i think i goes to far sometimes. cause what happens is, i had an idea for something to do on the show and one of the lawyers said 'i think this is in poor taste'. and i said 'yes, thats kind of what we do'. he said 'yeah, but i think its in poor taste'. i said 'you dont have taste, your a lawyer!' i said 'i dont care, is it legal?' see what happens is, everybody is an expert in comedy. if it doesnt make you laugh, its not funny. in drama you can get around it, cause if somebody says they liked it, you can say 'oh, you liked it did you?' 'what, you didnt like it?' 'no, i didnt like it.' then you can say 'oh, you probably didn't get it'. comedy is the opposite, 'oh, thats the kind of thing that makes you laugh? i only laugh at intelligent things.' now, i have something to tell you: if you only laugh at really intelligent things, its slim pickins here.'
- jim parsons
= they might be giants

12-10-09

+ 'its a great day for our present president obama', craig ferguson shares, 'he accepted a nobel peace prize in norway. i dont want to say this obama love is out of control, but his acceptance speech for the nobel prize just won the pulitzer prize and his over all performance won an oscar. theres a lot of controversy for president obama in norway, because he apparently snubbed the norwegian royal family. he snubbed them by canceling lunch with them. he was meant to have lunch with the royal family and he canceled. dont be silly, norwegian royal family, even if the president doesnt invite you just show up and crash the party, thats how we do it in america. the award is given out in oslo norway, which has been in the news this week because of the strange lights in the sky there. wait... a strange star like object over oslo just before obama arrives, a gift of a gold medal given by a group of wise men... nah. naaah. even msnbc are going 'no, you took it too far'. anyway, some people are saying its a light from a ufo coming to welcome obama, which is ridiculous cause if it were really a ufo, they would take joe biden back to his home planet.'
+ a sean connery christmas memory
# howie mandel
- paula marshall

12-09-09

+ 'oh, wait a minute', criag ferguson asks, 'morgan freeman is on tonight! see, now theres the thing! here's the thing though, morgan freeman is one of those guys where if he's in your movie, its better! no, its true, if morgan freeman is in the movie and there's like flippy baldwin is in it too, then you go 'oh, morgan freeman is in it, alright, i'll watch it!' well, he's here. and this is when we will break the rule. morgan freeman will be on this show, and it will still be crap!'
- morgan freeman
= overtones

12-08-09

+ 'earlier tonight abc aired 'a charlie brown christmas', craig ferguson shares, 'it was supposed to be on last week but was delayed for the presidential speech last week. i've always been a fan of charlie brown and the whole peanuts gang. its good to see the peanuts gang back together. snoopys not there though, no one has seen him since he spent that weekend at michael vick's house! uh oh! anyway, the peanuts cartoon has stayed the same since the '50s. i'm very glad of that, i dont like the idea of charlie brown aging, otherwise there would be specials like 'its your third divorce, charlie brown', 'its the great pumpkin size prostate, charlie brown'. you know who i think is like the peanuts gang: the late night talk show hosts. david letterman can be like charlie brown, he's the leader of the gang, but he's kind of cranky and depressed. and then conan o'brien can be like peppermint patty, you know he's freckly. and i'll be pigpen! the dude who makes an occasional appearance to stink the place up a bit, all covered in flies and everything. who's the kid with the blankey? linus? fallon.'

- michael clarke duncan

- gillian jacobs

= rosanne cash

take a poll

the magazine marie claire is running a pole asking 'Which late-night talk show host would you sleep with?' it lists 9 different options, and among them is our very own craig ferguson! craig talked about this poll on monday's show when it was brought up by an emailer. at the time craig was by far in the lead- he had 74% of all the votes! want to add your two cents? curious about where the numbers are now? well, click here to check it out!

12-07-09

+ 'i'm troubled', shares craig ferguson, 'a couple things happened. one is that i've done something this weekend that i havent done before, and thats really upset me. my son wanted to see the harry potter movies. i've never seen them, i been making fun of them for years. thats easy for me to say 'oh that kid, he's a drunk midget' all that stuff. i've been making fun of it. so anyway, so i watched the first harry potter movie with my son. its awesome. awesome! and i'm like 'wait, wait. i'm was like 'oh, voldimort is right behind you, harry!' its fantastic and i've been making fun of it. now, i'm having a crisis, i'm having an existentialist dilemma. well, not as brainy as that, i'm probably just having a douche dilemma. here's my douche dilemma: i make fun of things, its kind of my job, you know? and i've been making fun of those vampires, you know the modern ones with good haircuts that are vegetarians and they care about your feelings. 'oh, new moon, i'm not going to see that'. what if thats good?!? and i've been making fun of it, and its good? then i'm thinking 'i've never listened to the jonas brothers, maybe their good!' what am i going to do?!? maybe everything i say is sucky isnt sucky at all! maybe i'm the one that sucks. i make fun of stuff i havent seen all the time. will i stop? no...'

- shirley manson

* mitch albom

craig ferguson's rattle snake mug

wondering how you can get your hands on a rattlesnake mug like craig fergusons? well, you are in luck! craig ferguson got his originally from mary mccormack when she went to the albuquerque rattlesnake museum, but i have discovered where to get one from if you are not able to quickly drive over there yourself. after scouring the internet for a place to find the mug (with a little help from some faithful readers...) i have figured it out!
i just got one for myself from the house of tasso, and it is pretty cool!  check out my pictures here.  you can get one of them by ordering online from here, or you can click the ad on the right!
+ check out craig's other mug too!
thanks for stopping by, and dont forget to check back here regularly for episode highlights of 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!

12-04-09

+ 'because its friday, there are a couple new movies coming out that i am very excited about', craig ferguson admits, 'no, i'm not really. i'm just going to see 'new moon' over and over again until my pants fall off. which usually happens as soon as the werewolves come on. i love the werewolves in that movie, they're not wolfy and theyre not werey. theres something about them that brings out the hairy beast in me, and he's hungry for meat. there's a new movie opening today, its called 'everybody's fine' staring robert deniro and drew barrymore. i like drew barrymore, i think she's lovely. remember when drew jumped on david letterman's desk and showed him her boobies? that happened here as well, except it was drew carrey. but, to be fair: awesome boobies! shame about the desk.'

- emily blunt

* david bianculli

12-03-09

+ in the opening bit craig invited a couple down and the man proposed to his girlfriend! very cool! (wish i had thought of that... i dont think my wife would have liked it though. she might not have said yes...)
+ 'last week adam lambert was kicked off 'good morning america' and today he was kicked off two more abc shows', craig ferguson shares, 'he's in hot water because he misbehaved on the american music awards. and when i say misbehaved, i mean he simulated gay sex. and if that's a crime, slap the cuffs on me, mister! tighter, tighter. the safety word is 'banana'. anyway, because of his performance, adam lambert is being dropped from abc's big new years eve show, cause, you know, he's doing too much gay stuff i guess. but the show is being hosted by ryan seacrest. mixed message anyone?'
- george lopez
+ a sean connery holiday memory
= onerepublic

12-02-09

+ 'you know, today three more women said they have had affairs with tiger woods', craig ferguson informs, 'i'm like 'alright! golf got sexy! some people are outraged, but i'm impressed- how does he find time to play golf?!? the florida police have now closed the case on the car accident, so they wont take him into custody and away from his wife, no matter how much he begs them to...'
+ kristen bell comes by to help craig read the emails
= paul shaffer
- shohreh aghdashloo

12-01-09

+ 'president obama's address to the nation was on earlier today', criag ferguson reminds us, 'all the networks who showed it, nbc preempted the jay leno show, it was his christmas special as well, i think: 'the chin who stole christmas'. abc had to postpone the charlie brown christmas special too. but here's the thing: cbs did not postpone its christmas special, it was on earlier tonight. it was, of course, the heart warming holiday favorite, the victorias secret christmas fashion show! those girls are so naughty its nice! the victorias secret fashion show is deceptive though, because that lingerie never looks as good on me. anyway, apparently, in the fashion show this year, a model wore a three million dollar bra. three million dollars?!? for that much it should turn your boobies into solid gold! that would be the best bond villain yet, goldboobies. anyway, women's underwear is so much more elaborate than mens. why should women have all the fun with the push up bras and everything. what about push up briefs? yeah!'

+ a sean connery holiday memory

- joel mchale

= the swell season

a sean connery christmas memory

craig ferguson has a new segment on the show, this one has craig dressed up like sean connery sharing his christmas memories. the memories themselves always seem to involve drinking and having sex with a man or family member. or both. its not the funniest bit ever on the show, but its somehow just comforting to have craig doing his sean connery impression again, huh? now thats a warm christmas memory!

11-30-09

+ 'last friday was the busiest shopping day of the year', criag fergson shares, 'economists are saying that holiday sales are already below expectations, they are saying, but they havent yet counted the diamond ring tiger woods is going to have to buy his wife. he is in a lot of trouble, tiger. look, if your name is tiger, sooner or later you are going to get in trouble. you are not just going to play golf your whole life... anyway, heres the tiger woods situation: 2:00am friday, tiger's suv crashes into a fire hydrant and a tree. the police arrive, tiger is unconscious, his face is smashed up, and his wife is holding a golf club. now, people are speculating, the bloggers are going crazy, like 'shes holding a golf club, she hit him!' now wait, it doesnt mean that she hit him. think about it, in tiger woods' house golf clubs are everywhere, they do everything with a golf club. they cook with the golf clubs, they brush their hair with the golf clubs, 'honey, can you pass the meatballs?' with a golf club! and, if it was a domestic dispute, and he sees his wife coming up with a golf club, he'd probably be thinking 'oh, thats a terrible backswing, look how her elbow is sticking out!'.'

+ a sean connery holiday memory

- micheal sheen

* carl bernstein

11-25-09

+ 'a lot of people go home to see the family at thanksgiving', craig ferguson tells, 'heres a tip. if you want to save the air fare, this is what i do: you have to pick a fight with the family right before thanksgiving, then you don't have to make the trip. which reminds me, i'd like to say hi to my fat uncle gordan and my stupid aunt moira. cant wait to see you guys at thanksgiving, you jerks!'
- robin wright
-> wolfgang puck

11-24-09

+ 'do i look tired to you?' craig ferguson asks, 'i tell ya, i feel tired. i had such a long weekend, the weekend was so long, even though yesterday was monday and today's tuesday, cause i think i've seen the twilight movie like fifty times! nope. still havent seen it. cant do it. cant do it. trying to connect with popular culture, but just cant give a rats ass about it. trying to. now, i know that a lot of you are like 'well craig, it doesnt matter, this is america, you dont have to be into twilight.' i know you dont have to, but i have to, its my job. you know, i have to go 'hey, our next guest is from the twilight movie, hey!' ugh. and then on the tv they have 'the vampire diaries'. now, what kind of fucking vampire keeps a diary?!? 'dear diary, does dracula like me, or like me?' what happened? i know i've been complaining about this too long now, i've been complaining about the trendiness of vampires. you know it started with harry potter. i'll tell you why. hang on, i'll tell you why. soon.' craig tries to think on his feet, 'its because he's english. and thats a safe bet for me. and i'm scottish. so, if in doubt about who to blame, blame the english. thats what i always do. oh, look at the time, i've been talked way too long. well, i better stop and get to the commericals. commercials. you know who i blame for the commercials? harry potter.'

- maria bello

- peter capaldi

= ben harper and relentless 7

11-23-09

+ 'have you seen how much money that 'new moon' movie made?' craig ferguson asks, 'oh my lord! it made so much money, they havent finished counting it yet, its got to be nearly a gazzillion dollars. mostly from me, i've seen it 20 times! i'm just kidding, i'm not going to go see it. i'm not going to go see it! i'm not going to see a movie called 'new moon' that doesnt have a bare ass in it, what's the point?' new moon is, of course, the second in the twilight series. twilight fever is everywhere. in books, magazine covers, posters all over the place, everywhere i look i see thin pale skinned men with fangs and hair gel. then i leave my house and it gets worse. the first twilight is about sensitive vampires who talk about their feelings. what could be better than that? 'i feel vulnerable', but in this one its got sensitive werewolves who talk about their feelings as well. have you seen the new werewolf in the movie? thats not wolfy, thats more like a gay bear.'

- margaret cho

# carl edwards, race car driver

11-20-09

+ 'its a great day, but also a sad day', criag ferguson laments, 'oprah winfrey announced that she's quiting the show in 2011. now you know why the mayans ended their calender in 2012, thats it! oprah's announcement today was very emotional, lots of tears, handkerchiefs, weeping. i tried to control myself, but i couldnt! once oprah leaves, the most powerful woman on tv is of course ryan seacrest, so everything will change! oprah has been doing her show for 24 years. 24 years! i cant imagine doing this show 24 years, i cant even imagine getting past the next commerical break! also, did you hear? even more bad news, did you hear about dr. phil's show? unfortunately he is going to keep going.'

- neil patrick harris

= david gray

11-19-09

+ craig ferguson gets an email from nina in manalus, new york. it says 'hi craig, my boyfriend just got a tatoo on his lower back, where it is referred to as a 'tramp stamp' for girls. is this normal for a guy?' 'i dont know. it depends what the tattoo is of, but even then, im not sure. i've got three tattoos, and i'm going to get more, i've decided that three tattoos isn't enough, i need at least 28. i've not got any tattoos where i cant see them because, and this is no disrespect to tattoo artists all across america, or across the world, but i don't trust you. so it has to be in a part of the body i can see', craig then looks over his shoulder, 'i can, but i have to go in a different direction. thanks coundalini yoga. i dont wish to blow my own trumpet, but i could if i wanted too...'
- sandra bullock
- ben foster

11-18-09

+ 'it's mickey mouse's birthday today', criag ferguson shares, 'so the mighty disney corporation declared today as 'micky mouse day'. mickey mouse is 81 years old today, 81. he's now officially the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on donald trump's head. now, mickey mouse isn't the only disney character who's growing old, all of them are. all the seven dwarfs now are grumpy, all of them. pinochio needs a blue pill now to get his nose up!'
- david duchovny he even gets to chat with wavy the crocodile
> lewis black

11-17-09

+ 'president obama's 9 day trip to asia is in full swing,' craig ferguson reports, 'he's visiting south korea, japan, china. the presidential trips like this require a lot of planning, the state department briefs the president, the air force clears the air space, the secret service leaves out dog food for joe biden. right now president obama is meeting with top chinese officials, and the american/chinese relationship has changed in the past couple years. we used to be the world's only super power, we would be standing head and shoulders above the other nations. we were like alec baldwin towering over all the other baldwins. oh steven and all the other baldwins, like corky, jermaine... thats actually quite accurate, isnt it, huh?'
- woody harrelson
* joe theismann

11-16-09

+ 'unlike most americans, i didnt go see 2012 this weekend', craig admits, 'it made a lot of money this weekend- the mayans warned us. a lot of people right now are wishing the mayans had warned them about the movie. oh, i shouldnt say that, there are some people who love watching the human suffering- those people are called divorce lawyers! usually the big disaster movies come out in the summer. i think with global warming it means that we are going to have to see movies like this all year round. and the movie is so successful, they are already, probably, i guess (i'm making it up). no its true- they are working on a sequel. when the world ends again! it will be called 2013: the legend of curly's gold! you're welcome people who enjoy topical movie references!'

- l. l. cool j

- mindy kaling

= ben harper and relentless7

11-13-09

+ 'its a big weekend for the movies, its the end of the world! hurrah!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'the movie 2012 comes out today. and like a lot of movies, it teaches us a valuable life lesson: and the life lesson is that we are all going to die. goodnight everybody. the movie 2012 is based on the mayan belief that the world will end in 2012. now keep in mind that the mayans believed the oceans would run dry, a jaguar would eat the sun, and jon and kate would last forever. so consider the source. anyway, the mayan calender ends in 2012. for the mayans it actually ended much ealier, the entire civilization was wiped out much earlier, the entire civilization was wiped out by the spanish. didn't really predict that, did you mayans.'
+ dear aquaman, featuring tim gunn
= harry connick jr. he and craig almost lock lips!
* peter segal

ratings win!

it was a good week for craig ferguson and the late late show. with all the changes that have been happening over the past year in late night talk shows, it looks like things are finally looking up for the underdog! all the late night shows on nbc have been shaken up, leno is on at 10, conan is now opposite dave, and jimmy fallon took over the slot conan left empty. each of these changes have gotten a bunch of publicity and a lot of attention. with letterman's scandal earlier this fall, he got a ton of attention too. that leaves us with one late night talk show host who seems to have been left in the dust: craig ferguson. well, he may not get all the publicity, but he still gets results! as tvbythenumbers.com reports here, for the first time since the shake up of hosts on nbc, craig ferguson has won the week in ratings against his competitors! this means that the average number of viewers for the week is higher for his show than for jimmy fallon! well done craig, it couldnt have happened to a stranger guy!

11-12-09

+ 'yesterday at an art auction, an andy warhol piece, which is called '200 1 dollar bills', sold for 43 million dollars', craig ferguon exclaims, 'whoa?!? who has that kind of money these days? i dont mean the 43 million dollars, i mean the 200 1 dollar bills! i would love to go to a big art auction, but i'd be afraid that i'd scratch my nose or pull my ear or something and i'd bid for some crappy thing i dont want. thats how i got this job!'

+ the rather late programme with prince charles

= trace adkins talks but doesnt sing, much to his surprise!

> nick griffin pretty funny

11-11-09

+ 'there is some very important news tonight, very important news! i cant be mucking around with jokes- theres news!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'finally, after a long year of campaigning, the winners were announced today for the toy hall of fame. its a real place! its in rochester new york, it was built 11 years ago, this is true, to recognized toys that have changed our lives. this is a real place, the 2009 inductees, i'm not kidding you, there's three: the big wheel, the game boy, and the ball. wait, wait, the ball?!? they have a toy hall of fame for 11 years, and the ball just made it?!? shouldnt the ball just be at the beginning? the ball should be right at the beginning with the stick. and boogers.'
+ fake george bush shows up to chat and help out with the e-mails
- kenneth branagh

11-10-09

+ 'it is today, sesame street is 40 years old', craig ferguson informs us, 'happy birthday! its officially now middle aged. cookie monster is going to have switch to a low carb diet. you thought oscar was grouchy before, wait till he gets that prostate exam!'
- adam arkin
* nina garcia

11-09-09

+ 'its a great day for germany,' craig ferguson reminds us, '20 years ago the berlin wall came down. i remember where i was: i was passed out in a dumpster. i actually dont remember where i was, but its a good bet, it came down twenty years ago, and i've been sober 17 years, i was probably sleeping in a dumpster... anyway, berlin twenty years ago, it was kind of the capital of cold war europe, the wall divided the city between east and west, between capitalist and communists. it was a symbol of oppression, like the statue of liberty is a symbol of freedom, or the hollywood sign is a symbol of resentment. anyway, the germans celebrated the only way they knew how, with a massive david hasselhoff concert. that's true!'
+ fake interview with governor schwarzenegger
- carla gugino
* dennis lehane

11-06-09

+ 'the holiday season is officially upon us', craig ferguson announces, 'because the movie 'a christmas carol' opens today. yes, that's right, christmas movies are being released earlier and earlier every year. now, i'm thinking al gore will blame global warming, but i'm not sure. the new movie is the animated version of jim carrey. does jim carrey really need to be animated? he's pretty cartoony already. i'm sure he will tone it down a bit for the movie. any time jim carrey doesnt make his ass talk in a movie, you know thats the one he wants an oscar for. i want to see his ass win an oscar, it would be a fantastic acceptance speech!'
- ewan mcgregor! another one of craig's best guests! two in one week- what a treat!
* anthony zuiker
= regina spektor

11-05-09

+ 'money's tight all over', craig ferguson shares, 'in fact, nicholas cage had to sell his bavarian castle. boo fucking hoo. turns out, nicholas cage is broke, he went from staring in blockbusters, to looking for a job at blockbuster. i'm actually concerned for nicholas cage, the market is quite soft right now for 500 year old bavarian castles... he also has to sell his haunted mansion in in new orleans. i heard that and i though nicholas cage has a haunted mansion? that is actually cool, he really is ghost rider! i've said it before, 'ghost rider' is the greatest movie ever made! if you dont like ghost rider, go and join your friends in tora bora, you al qaeda bastards! a movie about a skeleton who rides a motor cycle with his head on fire? come on! and they are making a sequel, but the producers are saying it wont be anything like the first one. well, you listen to me hollywood producers, you better not make it anything like that 'twilight' thing, with the sensitive vampires talking about their feelings, i dont want any of that! the ghost rider story doesnt need tinkering, i dont want a sequel where he's riding a sequel where he drives an old cadillac ghost riding ms. daisy or anything like that. just make the same movie again with different words- thats what i want!'
- denis leary
- jena malone

11-04-09

+ 'a few days ago, the largest cruise ship ever built set sail for the first time', craig ferguson shares, 'now, if you're like me, first of all, see a doctor and drink a lot of orange juice (there was a tip in there stoners...), you have been breathlessly following this ship's voyage. what happened is the ship left finland a few days a go, and soon will arrive in miami. its called 'oasis of the seas', its huge! its huge, this thing! its got a park on it, golf courses, its got a shopping mall. all the things you can do on land, with the added excitement of possibly sinking! the ship is five times as big as the titanic, so what could possibly go wrong? i'm sure everything is fine, they would never hit an ice burg, with global warning, there's no ice burgs left. anyway, the company that made the ship say that its environmentally friendly. its a completely green vessel. that means it doesnt dump anything in the ocean, all the waste created on the ship gets reused. in other words, dont order the lemonade... or the chocolate cake...'
+ dear aquaman featuring tim gunn
- mo'nique
* stephen fry

11-03-09

+ 'its a great day for our japanese friends', craig ferguson shares, 'its a big holiday in japan, japanese culture day. big day for me, i celebrate it every year. i do, november the third every year i put on a kimono and giggle like a school girl 'tee hee hee'. actually i do that nearly every day. i think my fascination with japanese culture began by going to japanese restaurants. you know when you go to a japanese restaruant and they shout at you when you walk in 'hersumase!' it means 'welcome', and i think is the shouting really necessary? i dont shout at people when i welcome them into my home, unless they are old and hard of hearing, 'good to see you again regis!'. i will admit, i used to think the whole japanese dinning thing was a joke, it was a put on. they're like 'lets see if we can get these people to eat raw fish with steaks, and then get them to drink hot wine, and then we will get them to sit on the floor without shoes on!'.'
+ celebrities read excerpts from craig's book. gerard butler
- valerie bertinelli
* dave barry

11-02-09

+ 'happy day light savings time, everybody' craig ferguson celebrates, 'as you can see its getting much darker at night now, much earlier at night. even though its live and its half past time in your region. this weekend everyone gained an hour, but it evens out, so your throwing an hour away. i'm not kidding, its going to suck more than usual tonight, but if you want to stay with it, i will too...'

- billy connelly the return of one of craig's top three guests!!!

- george eads

= jack ingram