3-09-12

+ 'its a great day if your name is john carter', craig ferguson states, 'because that movie 'john carter' comes out today.  hollywood made a movie just for you, john carter!  the film was originally titled 'john carter of mars', but  a few months ago they changed the title to 'john carter'.  they wanted to, you know, make it less interesting.  you can tell disney is worried about how this movie is going to do at the box office because this morning they changed the title again to 'dr. seuss's john carter twilight harry potter'.  i think calling a movie 'john carter' is genius marketing because there is about, and i looked this up, theres about seven thousand people in the united states named john carter, now if each one of them pays 15 bucks to see it, then its... something.  it would be weird if you were john carter, if that was your name, and you'd see your name in billboards everywhere.  i suppose that happens to famous people all the time.  hope it never happens to me!  i dont want a big media company using 'craig ferguson' to promote entertainment.  i think i'm safe with that here, cbs in the middle of the night.'
- kristin davis
- chris o'dowd

3-08-12

+ 'its a great day if you like to smoke the reefer', criag ferguson shares, 'but when is it not, really?  no, the stoners just got a powerful new ally in the fight to legalize marijuana: pat robertson!  i'm not kidding, he said 'yeah, legalize it'.  may i be the first to say 'wha?!?'  its true, in an interview yesterday, the conservative broadcaster pat robertson, said that its time to treat marijuana like alcohol.  legalize it, tax it, keep it the hell away from mel gibson.  robertson said that people should be allowed to use pot in a responsible way.  he didnt specify what 'responsible' means, but i think we all know: adult swim.  some conservatives were shocked to hear that robertson wants to legalize marijuana.  look, this is a big deal, pat robertson saying that he supports the legalization of marijuana is like bob barker saying 'go ahead, let your dog keep its balls!'  its like matthew mcconaughey saying 'alright alright, today the shirt stays on!',  its like tim gunn saying 'i love it when people wear crocs'.  i dont see why anyone is surprised though, pat robertson is 81 years old, and after a certain point old people dont give a crap what anybody things!  they dont, they eat at 5:00pm, they wear socks with sandals, they see a cute girl at the checkout at the supermarket they say 'i wont to squeeze your boobies' and everyone is like 'aw, he's so cute!' i salute you, old people, do what you damn well please!
- raquel welch
* carl edwards

3-07-12

+ 'there was a big announcement today from apple', craig ferguson states, 'i dont know if you know apple computer, they are a tiny little mom and pop company, you know.  they announced today a brand spanking new ipad is coming out in a few weeks.  and i'm like 'finally!  another high tech doodad that i dont need and dont want but i'll get anyway!'  actually, i wont get it, i cant get one, they are bringing out a new one of these every two weeks it seems.  they brought out the new ipad today in san francisco. see, if i were in san francisco i wouldnt be able to quite playing with it... or the new ipad!  i'm excited about the new ipad is what i'm saying, but then i'm excited about anything that isnt the republican primaries.  i've had enough!  i'm so excited about the new ipad i peed my ipants.  and some other computer companies tried to outdo apple today, for instance, dell just announced their newest device: a computer that turns on sometimes!  whenever a new gizmo like the ipad comes out there are always some people who have to have it before everyone else.  i understand that, i've always had to be ahead of the curve.  back in the 90's i was the first of my crew to have the rachel hairdo!  the ipad does sound pretty cool though, it'll have a high def video camera, its got faster internet, little scissors comes out the side, its got a corkscrew, its got a plastic toothpick, its got one of those things for taking stones out of a horses hooves, its got a horses hoof, its got a rear facing camera for taking pictures of your ass, and also has something called a personal hot spot.  i dont know what that is, but i like the sound of it...'
- susan sarandon
> rondell sheridan

3-06-12

+ 'i'm very upset at the fox network', craig ferguson admits, 'they cancelled the dinosaur show terra nova.  i was like 'come on fox, i was just getting in to it!'.  i guess its difficult to get people excited about fake dinosaurs when they can see the real thing battle things out on super tuesday!  the results are down to the wire, so congratulations, winners.  one thing is for sure though, one man was on top, one man was on bottom, and the other two were right there in the middle. thats what elton john calls super tuesday anyway.  the ten states had their primaries today, but everyone says the big money is on mit romney.  i mean literally, he's so rich money oozes from his pores.  he spent five million dollars on ads for super tuesday.  anyway, my hat's off to mit romney, he's been out on the campaign trail even though he's got a terrible cold.  i'm not surprised he's sick though, its very unsanitary to keep putting your foot in your mouth like that.  and it doesnt help matter when he keeps blowing his nose on hundred dollar bills!'
- joel mchale

3-05-12

+ 'its a great day for vladimir putin', craig ferguson states, 'who won yesterdays russian presidential election, he received a whopping 325% of the vote.  the big story though, is that during his victory speech he cried!  ha ha ha!  he cried!  old hard ass putin cried!  ruthless autocrats have feelings too, i guess.  anyway, a lot of russians think the election was fixed, and i'm not surprised.  you've got to fix the elections in russia, its too cold to go outside and vote.  i dont know why its called 'fixing' the election, that implies that an honest election is broken.  its the same thing when you go 'fixing' your pets, their genitals were working perfectly fine before you 'repaired' them.  i'm talking to you, bob barker!  anyway, fixing the russian elections has been going on forever.  i believe it was lovable russian dictator old uncle joe stalin who said 'its not who votes that counts, its who counts the votes!'  the aftermath of the russian election makes you really appreciate our election process here in america.  we all know that when we cast our votes in a few months they will be counted fairly and in the end this country will have a new american idol!  who we can all forget in about two weeks...'
- courteney cox
> louie anderson

3-02-12

+ 'its a great day if you like dr. seuss', craig ferguson shares, 'his movie, the lorax, is coming out today.  you know dr. seuss, do you like green eggs and ham? and all that.  green eggs and ham, by the way, is the name i gave my gentleman's business.  i have green testicles and a ham flavored penis...  anyway, dr. seuss's real name was theodor geisel, but changed it because it sounds more fun.  i actually went the other way, i changed my name to something more boring.  my actual name is assflaps mcpennywhistle.  but they said that name will never work in comedy, and they were right.  anyway, the lorax isnt one of dr. seuss's more well known books, but its still a good one.  when i look at that character it reminds me of someone- wilford brimley!  he wasnt in any dr. seuss books.  he wasnt in them because even the great dr. seuss couldnt come up with a rhyme for diabetis!'
- dennis miller
= the light brigade

3-01-12

+ 'you know there's a new survey out', craig ferguson states, 'thank goodness because i do a late night show, about the happiest professions.  apparently one of the happiest professions is construction workers.  i knew they were happy because they always get to whistle at me whenever i walk by in a low cut top... 'hi!'  i think the whole premise of this survey is flawed, though, i don't think you are supposed to be happy at work.  i think work is just a tool where you are really supposed to derive true happiness from outside work.  from friends, or family, or youtube videos of old people falling down.  you know, for years i struggled to find that one thing that would make me happy.  i chased fame and money but they eluded me...  then i discovered the one thing that genuinely makes me happy: a nap!  which many of the studio audience are enjoying right now...  what i'm saying is that happiness is a choice, its a state of mind.  personally i find that i am most happy when i've got my pet ferrets with me, that's why i keep them in my pants!  according to this survey, one of the unhappiest professions are people who work in the media.  because we are insecure pieces of crap who whine into our lattes when something doesnt go our way.  except me of course, i am unique in show business, i live by the motto 'work like you dont need the money'.  which explains why i am working right here.'
- henry winkler
- jay baruchel

2-29-12

+ 'it is february 29th, its leap day!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'a day so special it pops up only once every four years, like hugh heffner's penis.  there are a lot of weird traditions associated with this day, in ireland and norway women are supposed to ask men to marry them.  in denmark, not only can women ask men to marry them, but if he refuses he must give the woman 12 pairs of his gloves.  come on danish ladies, if a man owns 12 pairs of gloves, hes probably not the marrying kind.  at least not marrying a woman kind.  why do we need a leap day every four years?  well, i'll tell you why: because the earth orbits the sun not every 365 days, but 365 days and six hours.  in astronomical sense, that is a very tiny amount of time.  scientists refer to it as a 'kardashian marriage'.
- tom lennon
* phil plait

2-28-12

+ 'its a great day of course, for the people of michigan', criag ferguson shares, 'today was the michigan republican primary.  even if romney doesnt win his home state, theres a long way to go, california and utah are still ahead.  so he can still go for his summer home state or his ski chalet state.  the fact is romney isn't the fat cat everyone thinks he is, he was born in good ol' detroit michigan, he grew up blue collar.  his dad had a job in the state of michigan.  what was his job again?  that's right, governor of the state of michigan!  growing up romney had to be very frugal.  mit romney once saved money on a family vacation by strapping the family dog in a carrier to the roof of a car for 600 miles.  that is unbelievable! that is true!  that is no way to treat a dog, thats for cats!  i'm just kidding, i would never strap a cat to the roof of a car, i'm not going to do that, i would never do that.  especially after spending fifty grand on a kitty cannon!'
# dr. oz  newly crowned winner of the golden mouth organ!
# carrie keagan

2-27-12

+ 'so, the oscars were last night', craig ferguson states, 'but in heterosexual news, yesterday was the daytona 500.  it was supposed to be yesterday but it got rained out.  its the first time in history that has ever happened.  anyway, over the weekend mit romney went to daytona.  i think he was collecting motor oil for his hair, but he wanted to give the idea that he is a regular dude, not a rich fat cat thats made of money.  and this is true, he said to a reporter 'i dont follow nascar closely, but i have great friends who are nascar team owners'.  dont you even want to win this thing?  it didnt help that he shouted it out of a golden helicopter as well.  the other presidental candidate doesnt even pretend to like nascar, he's against any activity where dudes can rear end each other.'
+ 'fruits and veggies' a silent film making fun of the oscar winner 'the artist'
- eric idle
- sarah paulson

2-24-12

+ 'i'm feeling a little woozy. you know why?' craig ferguson asks, 'because i've got oscar fever!  there's only one cure for oscar fever, and thats stripping naked and singing 'there's no business like show business!'  the oscars are on sunday night.  this town needs the oscars, its the one time all year that hollywood stars can stop being humble and pat themselves on the back...  i dont give a rats ass about the oscars, everyone here goes cockahoop though.  if you are in town this weekend, good luck finding a botox shop open!  during the oscars all the streets are empty, the whole town shuts down, people are locked in their houses and its deathly quiet.  the only other time that happens in l.a. is during a light rain shower.  'its coming right for us!'  this year's oscars will definitely better than last year because billy crystal is back.  thank goodness billy is back!  we love you billy!  everyone is happy that billy crystal is back, even people who dont like the oscars.  al quida is happy that billy crystal is back!  they released a new tape and said 'i hated james franco, i am so glad billy is back! its like james franco didnt even want to be there.  oh, by the way, death to america.'  i dont have a dog in this oscar fight, i dont care who wins or looses.  i dont think we should judge actors on how well they pretend to be someone else, we should judge them on things that are important, like their clothes and their sex tapes.'
+ a glorious return of the rather late programme with prince charles
- john waters
- jennifer carpenter

2-23-12

+ 'actually, its not such a great day today if you have to buy gasoline', craig ferguson states, 'and some of us do!  record high gas prices lately.  the high gas prices is terrible and its an election year so both sides are trying to turn it into a political issue.  the republicans are blaming comrade obama, and the democrats are saying it was that cowboy bush.  i'm like, calm down everybody, do what i do with the gas situation, blame the dog...  anyway, the obama administration is blaming the gas prices on unrest in the middle east.  i think thats smart, because how long can violent chaos last in the middle east?  its bound to clear up any day!  here in l.a. gas prices have gone up so much i might have to go back to huffing paint.  i go to the gas station everyday, not to fill up the tank, i just like to drizzle myself with the water from the squeegees!  i understand that oil is a part of the american way of life: driving the open road, eating apple pie, getting it on under a snuggie. and petroleum products make all that possible.  gasoline in our cars, natural gas in our ovens, vasoline under our... oh, nevermind.  personally, i am always on the look out for a more cost effective way to commute.  i'm always looking for an excuse to rollerblade!'
- malin akerman
* jon ronson

2-22-12

+ 'here's the thing on everyone's mind', craig ferguson states, 'test tube hamburgers!  yeah, thats me, the willie lohman of late night, i'm going to try and sell you this one!  test tube hamburgers, we have have finally figured out how to make meat in test tubes.  there's an article about it in 'the telegraph'.  thats a british news paper, a classy newspaper.  they dont just hack celebrities phones, they would hack downton abbey- thats how classy they are!  'i say, lady mary has a problem with a dead turkish gentleman'  'what should we do?' 'usher him away...'  what i'm saying is this is big news for scientists and hamburgers- two of my favorite things!  dutch scientists say what they have done is they have created artificial meat from stem cells, and in about 8 months they will have a complete hamburger patty.  when i first heard this i was shocked, i though 'there are dutch scientists?!?'  thats got to be uncomfortable working in a lab with those giant wooden shoes on!  'cant walk over to microscope... must put finger in dike...'  there are still a lot of questions about this artificial hamburger though: is it healthy? does it go well with cheese?  can david hasselhoff eat it from the floor?  unfortunately this artificial hamburger technology is not perfected.  to make a complete patty, scientists say it will cost 400,000 dollars per burger.  so the first ten have already been ordered by mit romney.'
# carson kressley

2-21-12

+ 'today is marti gras', craig ferguson shares, 'which is french for 'fat tuesday'.  thats right, marti is tuesday, gras is gross, fat.  it makes sense.  unfortunately we are so politically correct these days you cant say 'fat tuesday', you have to say 'big boned day after monday'.  the parties in new orleans went crazy today, lots of food and drink.  i think new orleans, i have to say, i think they have the best food in america.  personally, i like the crawfish.  i remember when i was there a local guy told me how to eat crawfish, he said 'you have to suck the head and pinch the tail.  so i did that, and later i went out and had some crawfish.  you know how everyone throws the beads on mari gras?  well, the guys do.  the beads are paid for by select groups of local businessmen, you know, they ride on elaborate floats and toss trinkets to the desperate masses.  which is, coincidentally, mit romney's economic plan...  now remember, throwing beads at a woman expecting her to flash her boobies works at marti gras, but only marti gras!  i learned that the hard way.  thats why i can never go back to red lobster...'
* bill maher
- eloise mumford

2-20-12

+ 'i dont know if you were watching the show friday and you have been sitting there all weekend waiting for me to come back', craig ferguson shares, 'ive still got my cold.  i had a cold on friday and i thought it would go away over the weekend, but it hasnt.  its been a very bad cold and i had to lay in bed all weekend, and i've done some pretty bad things.  first of all i wanted to catch up on some movies i had never seen before.  so my son and i watched goonies.  i had never seen goonies.  anyway, there is a line in it, you know in the movie when they fall through the thing and they fall in the ship and its all 'ahh!'?  then the little asian kid when 'i'm tired of falling, i'm tired of yelling, and i'm tired of skeletons!'  i went 'thats like my life!!!'  then later on last night i was pretty tired and feeling a bit ill, so i watched 'hellboy' on cable.  you know hellboy? its a great movie with all the monsters and all that.  i guess i was feeling a bit mad, because what i did was i went on twitter and put 'hellboy is greater than x-men'  twitter went crazy!  i didnt care, i was like 'ha, screw you guys!' then my wife saw it...  so now i have to apologize and say that x-men is better than hellboy.  but its not!'
- jayma mays
* jean-michel cousteau

2-17-12

+ 'it is a fantastic day for me, not only do i have my cold medicine coarsing through my veins, but there is a new movie opening today that i have been looking forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'now, i come out here on fridays and i'm like 'oh there's a movie opening that i'm excited about it' and most of the time i am lying my ass off, but not today!  i am very excited about this one, its going to win a ton of oscars.  its a little film called 'ghost rider: spirit of vengeance'!!!  hurrah!  some people say that the first ghost rider did not need a sequel.  these people are called 'correct'.  but this one should be great.  i've seen the trailer, in the trailer, i'm not making this up, he pees fire!  fire!  he pees fire!!!  actually, i know what that's like a little bit... that's not the spirit of vengeance, that's the spirit of the clap...  i mean, its got to be a great movie.  does anyone in 'the artist' pee fire? i think not, they are just being whimsical.  take that whimsical french poofs!  ghost rider, i know what you are thinking, when will hollywood stop making these chick flicks?  i don't know.  now, if you don't know ghost rider, he's not a ghost, he's just a bad ass with a flaming skull.  a flaming skull is how you let people know you are a bad ass.  it is!  that's why i sewed one on my fanny pack.  you know the original idea for geoff peterson was from the first ghost rider movie.  i loved it so much i asked grant imahara from mythbusters to make me a flaming skeleton.  i should have been more specific... he's flamin' alright...'
- margaret cho
- simon helberg

2-16-12

+ 'its a great day for the entire world', craig ferguson states, 'everyone is breathing a little easier today, the stand off between the united states and its mortal enemy is finally over.  i'm not talking about iran, that stand off is still in progress, teran is still cranking out nukes like malibu cranks out kardashians.  are kardashians from malibu?  i think they started off in malibu, but now they are everywhere, they are kind of like tribbles.  no, i'm talking about the stand off between america, the good guys, and these monsters to the north we call canadians!  let me explain, for years the american daredevil nik wallenda has wanted to walk the tight rope over the niagra falls.  the officials in new york quickly granted him the necessary permits.  why?  because we are american and love freedom and dangerous pointless stunts!  but the canadians were refusing to allow the stunt until today!  the canadians only granted him permission today.  i think they were afraid because they have the free health care, that if the guy falls on their side they are bankrupt!  i hope they take the tight rope down, because after he's done thats a wide open door for other canadians to sneak over the tight rope into america!'
- jeffrey tambor
- amy smart

alex and bridger at the zoo

craig ferguson recently tried to hook up a couple of his employees.  bridger, who had been an intern with the show for a while but recently was hired on as a line producer, and another intern named alex were brought up during the opening segment of the show.  craig has been trying to get the two of them together.  they are both short and red heads, so obviously they should go out right?  that was craigs thinking as he invited them to go out on a date together to the l.a. zoo.  on the show they did a segment where the two of them were at the zoo in front of the flamingos.  craig has recently been on a kick of talking about flamingos and how much they smell, so this bit focused pretty heavily on the terrible stink of those pink birds.  alex and bridger, obviously not hitting it off as craig had suspected, are attacked by the lawn ornaments with bridger falling victim to their attacks and alex walking off annoyed...  maybe the two of them can make it work anyway?