11-21-11

+ 'hollywood is swimming in cash because the twilight movie made so much money over the weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'whats it called again? breaking dawn? breaking wind? something like that. i love the twilight movie, i cant get enough of the sensitive vampires and the twinky werewolves! its not true. i've never seen them. well, i've seen the first one. i thought 'maybe this is not so bad' because i used to make fun of the harry potter, you know, i was like 'aw, this is rubbish'. but then i read the books and and watched the movies- now i'm a total griffin-dork! and if you dont know what that is then you are a hufflepuff! i thought 'well, ill look at a twilight movie, maybe i'm wrong'. i put it in the vcr- thats right, i've got a vcr! i took out my jackie chan movie and started watching it. i thought 'well, this is in fact awful!' its crap! to be fair, i only made it though the first half hour. maybe it got better, but i couldnt do that do myself. it would be like saying 'this really hurts when i rub the cheese grater on my genitals, but maybe it will get better, and besides my quesadilla isnt finished!' i shouldnt dis twilight, its not for me.'

+ robin williams joins in to help out with the tweets and emails

- johnny galicki

11-18-11

+ 'today is a very big day for america's sweetheart: regis philbin', craig ferguson shares, 'my friend regis is having his last day on the regis show. i shouldnt call it the regis show, cause kelly ripa is there. they are two great hosts, but lets be honest, one of them is just there for eye candy, and the other one is kelly ripa. i remember i was eating breakfast when regis announced he was leaving, i almost choked on my sausage! and then my breakfast got stuck in my throat too! in new york people actually camped out to see regis' last show. it looked like occupy wall street, but regis' fans are a little bit older, so it looked more like occupy wall mart. regis' departure thought is big news. all day long reactions from the daytime tv stars came pouring in. the women from the view said they were sorry to see regis go, ellen degeneres said she is broken hearted, dr. phil said 'poached eggs in the hand when the chicken are flyin'!' a lot of people think regis is retiring, but hes not retiring. he's just finished with that show. retiring, now a days anyway, means taking some time off then coming back, taking pictures of your penis and texting them! regis would never do that. he would take pictures of his penis, but he wouldnt know how to text them!'

- don rickles

relationship advice from craig

after reading a tweet about his recent penchant for fun socks, craig ferguson shares a bit of relationship advice for all the bachelors out there. he said 'hey, here's a tip. guys, if you want girls to find you attractive, when they are looking at your leg because they will be drawn by the sock. pull it down a little bit, and that mark that the elastic makes- it drives them crazy!'

11-17-11

+ 'its a great day if you want to stop smoking', craig ferguson shares, 'its the 36th annual smoke out. this is the day that everybody who smokes is encouraged to knock it off. so if you are seeing me through a haze of smoke it means you haven't quit yet, or you live in l.a. and your window is open. but if you are out there smoking, stop right now! unless you are smoking... you know... in which case, carry on! you know, late november is the perfect time to quit smoking. what could be more stress free than spending the holidays with your family? but as bad as they are, smoking helps you deal with stress. so do breathing exercises. so my point is always smoke during yoga. president obama quit smoking earlier this year, but it wasnt easy, he had to ask the republicans for permission first. obama is not the first president to use tobacco though, fdr was famous for using one of those holders. bill clinton used one of those too, her name is monica. i think the surgan general should just come out and tell the truth: kissing a smoker is like licking a cats butt! dont ask me how i know that... call me, heathcliff!'

- robin williams

= black dub

11-16-11

+ 'president obama is in australia today', craig ferguson states, 'you know whats interesting? when he is in australia his approval ratings go down the toilet in the other direction! last weekend the president was in hawaii, today he is in australia, on friday he goes to indonesia. i think what happened is he saw the republican debates and he was like 'this reelection is going to be a piece of cake, i'm going on vacation!' no, thats not true. the president is traveling all around the pacific rim. but its not a pacific rim vacation, its a pacific rim job... today the president made a big announcement, today he said we are sending 20,000 troops to australia. the troops are going down there for one reason: we've declared war on the dingos! dingos of course get a bad rap, they dont eat all the babies, just the tasty ones... dingo is just a fancy word for 'dog' though, dingos are just like regular old dogs, they lick their genitals one ball at a time, just like american dogs! do you know that this show actually airs in australia? i'm not sure how that works with the time difference, i think they are a day ahead. so the show thats on right now we havent even done it yet!'

- michael ian black

- alex kingston

11-15-11

+ 'its a great day if you like to recycle', craig ferguson states, 'today is 'america recycles day', and i'm wondering if we really need this? we've already got earth day. so we have to think about the environment on two days?!? why dont we consolidate the two of them into one day, and while we are at it, get rid of arbor day. nobody gives a crap about arbor day! go on, tell me when it is, you cant! exactly! oh, go on, look it up on your computer! anyway, we have a strict recycling policy. can we see that picture of paul mccartney?' and for the one millionth time, they show a picture of angela lansbury! 'we think of recycling as a recent thing, but its been around for hundreds of years. historians say the first example of recycling was the pilgrims. they realized they could recycle corn cobs and use them as dildos! thats not true, but if it was true, wouldnt it be aw
esome? when you think about recycling you should always think about the three r's: reuse, renew, regis. these days we have separate colored bins for the different recyclable stuff. here in l.a. the green bin is for garden waste, blue bin for paper products, and pink bin for old breast implants. you can! you can recycle used boobies! i'm not just making this up. what they do is they melt down the recycled boobies and they turn them into lip injections and butt implants. and the circle of life continues!'

- ewan mcgregor who is always one of craig's best guests! also, now a winner of the golden mouth organ!

11-14-11

+ 'over the weekend president obama was in hawaii', craig ferguson informs, 'his birth place- ha! he attended the big apec summit meeting. now, apec is the asia pacific economic corporation. once a year its leaders get together to discuss free trade, economic growth, blah blah blah. i'm bored already. here's a recap of the conference: president obama was like 'nu uh', china was like 'wha?' and obama was like 'no!' take that, nightline! anyway, i'm sure the conference was a barrel of laughs. everybody loves being in hawaii. the republican candidate rick perry said hawaii was one of his favorite states. there's texas, hawaii, and... there was a third one... its nice that they have the apec conference in hawaii, but i wonder if things got awkward with the leaders of japan? the tour guides are like 'and over here is pearl harbor, but i think you've been here before...'.'

- poppy montgomery

* charlie higson

11-11-11

+ 'today is eleven eleven eleven', craig ferguson informs, 'todays date is the number eleven repeated three times. whats that called again when something is repeated over and over again? thats right, this show! the date 11/11/11 is kind of freaky though. seeing all these ones lined up like that reminds me of the days i had to count my earnings from the strip club. i may have been payed in one dollar bills, but what i learned there was priceless! on the internet there were all kinds of doomsday predictions for the eleventh. but guess what? nothing happened! it doesnt mean anything! people put a lot of significance in numbers, and these people are called morons! to me, numbers have no significance. mathematics has significance, but numbers are just tools of mathematics. i like mathematics, there's always a right or wrong answer. there's no subtlety, no nuance. unlike in art or literature or the gender of the prostitutes on hollywood boulevard! all i'm saying is that you know what you are going to get with mathematics, there's no nasty surprises... or awesome surprises depending on your point of view.'

+ jennifer tilly reads linda cunningham's 'small town girl'

* linda cunningham (she's craig's mother-in-law!)

- drew carey

11-10-11

+ 'its not a great day for texas governor rick perry', craig ferguson shares, 'oh shame. everybody's talking about his performance in the republican candidate debate, the brain freeze he had while trying to name three government agencies that he would eliminate. the media are going cockahoop over this, the pundits are saying that rick perry is as dumb as a post, he's a terrible public speaker, he's an embarrassment to the republican party. now, those things may be true, but personally though i hope he doesnt get out of the campaign. i need rick perry. i need him! i dont want to spend the next year trying to make jokes about mitt romney! what am i going to do with romney?!? take that, romney, you nice haired gorgeous hunk! where the hell can i go with that? look at you with your suit that fits perfectly! anyway, i salute rick perry for the way he's trying to overcome this, today he came out saying hes not one of those slick politicians, this is him just showing his human side, and some third excuse he cant remember...'

- molly shannon

- michael k. williams

11-09-11

+ 'last night there was a close call for planet earth', criag ferguson shares, 'we had a giant asteroid pass by, it was only 200,000 miles from earth. the experts said 'thats not going to hit us', i was still nervous. last night i was screaming 'not the face! not the face!' but we are all right, and i say good riddance asteroid! this is a true thing, the asteroids went by. we dont need you, the human race is perfectly capable of destroying itself. 'oh craig, thats biting commentary about climate change', and i'm like 'no, its just pessimism fueled by a difficult childhood. and a love of dark chocolate.' the asteroid was huge though, it was 1300 feet across. thats the same size as michael moore's ass. the scientists gave it a lame name, they called it 'YU55'. they shouldnt call it that, it should be called something like 'death rock' or 'big floaty boulder'! anyway, nasa says that if the the asteroid would have hit earth it would have caused a 7.4 magnitude earthquake. if it had hit the sea it would have caused a 70 foot tsunami. if it hit were the land met the sea, for example somewhere on the jersey shore, it could have knocked the drink from snooki's hand! now, realistically of course, if we ever face a collision with an asteroid, nasa will do what they do best: assemble a rag-tag band of good looking welders to go up there and kick that rock's ass! you know, they will blow it up with the most powerful weapon ever invented: the power of the ballad! like they did in that movie 'armageddon', you know when they did that thing and steven tyler did his singing thing. it was sexy and creepy because he was singing the song while ben affleck was getting it on with steven tyler's daughter!'

- ellen barkin

> dave attell

11-08-11

+ 'its a great day for me because i just got out of jury duty like three minutes ago!' craig ferguson shares, 'i was very happy to do my civic duty. well, i was very happy to be excused from my civic duty. i was at the l.a. county courthouse all day, i was there all day! it was like three hours in the jury room and it was getting really intense. you know what it was like? it was like a greyhound bus station, waiting for the bus of justice! and the woman next to me was cracking her knuckles and the woman across from me was giving me the stink eye! she was an old lady, but she fancied her chances. i was like 'i'll cut a bitch!' it was going to get shanky in there! and then they were called into this thing. what do they call it? a court! there were 45 potential jurors, and i was in there with all these different people. the judge starts interviewing everybody and they ask what job you do and i said 'late night talk show host' and everybody went 'oh!' and i went 'on cbs' and everybody went 'ugh.' it was a stalking case, it was about stalking! i was like 'judge, i do a lot of stalking, so i dont know if i'm right for this'. i dont know if it was really working, so i made a pass at the judge. anyway, she's meeting me later on!'

- jennifer tilly

* lawrence block

geoff peterson's new voice(s)

does geoff sound a bit different to you? well, there's a reason for that! craig recently spoke about the temporary change in geoff's voice: 'i'm a little worried. i dont know if you are aware of this, but geoff is undergoing some repairs at the moment, so we are trying out various different personality chips for the next two weeks. so geoff will not necessarily be his normal self tonight.' later craig ferguson explains 'a lot of people have been asking me recently 'whats going on with geoff? something's going on with geoff? we want old geoff back!' look, old geoff will be coming back, but the thing is that essential maintenance is being conducted on geoff's innards, and so every night for the next two weeks he will have a different personality.' it seems that geoff's usual voice is gone for a while and there will be a rotating collection of people stepping in to voice our favorite robot skeleton!

those who have stepped in to do geoff's voice:

alfred molina

dominic monaghan

larry king

tom lennon

louie anderson

lauren graham

paula poundstone

jason schwartzman

shadoe stevens

11-07-11

+ 'not a great day for herman cain', craig ferguson states, 'the front runner of the republican presidential nomination, and also michael caine's brother. maybe thats a reach... now firstly, herman cain is the front runner of the sexual harassment claims. i believe very firmly that you are innocent until proven guilty, but today another woman accused him of harassment. how many does that make? four! now the first time you hear a nasty accusation like this you think 'well, it may or may not be true', when it happens twice you think 'well...', the third time 'argh...', the fourth time you think 'who does this guy think he is? schwarzenegger? he cant be doing this!' now four women have accused herman cain of being inappropriate. now thats got to remind him of the deal he made back at the pizza joints: harass four, you get the fifth free! now, people make fun of the fact that he was the CEO of a pizza chain, but i think pizza and politicians go hand in hand: both are hot and steamy and go straight to your ass! cain worked for a pizza chain called godfathers, but apparently he make an offer they could refuse!'

- jeffrey dean morgan

> jeff cesario

11-04-11

+ 'a couple of big movies opening today', craig ferguson reminds, 'youve got the harold and kumar christmas movie opening with neil patrick harris! neil patrick harris: three names, all adorable! he's with us tonight. and tower heist is opening as well with ben stiller, who is not here, so his movie is being slammed by us. no, i'm sure its great. i'm not clear on what its about, i think ben stiller tries to steal money and then stuff in a museum comes to live and helps him do it! its got eddie murphy in it and he's really funny. i love that eddie is paired up with ben stiller, they are like a modern day abbott and costello if abbot were skinny and costello were in to transsexuals. anyway, tower heist, the title tells you what you are going to get. not like some movies, i went to see moneyball: money? ball? brad pitt? i'm sold! i walked out of that movie feeling such a fool! i like heist movies. my all time favorite heist movie is a movie called 'the italian job' from the 1960's.

- neil patrick harris

- imelda may

11-03-11

+ 'i usually try to avoid talking about controversial subjects', craig ferguson states, 'you know, like political dirty laundry and all that stuff. but the top story is pretty much everywhere right now so i've got to talk about it: thats right, someone bought queen victoria's underwear. apparently an anonymous man, a man that nobody knows who it is. 'what kind of man is that?' an anonymous man! he or she, but it was a man, but he was anonymous, so you cant be entirely sure. this anonymous person, a man, in scotland paid fifteen thousand bucks at auction for the panties from the 19th century. i cant tell you who it was, but it was a very tense auction. 'sold to the creepy scottish guy in the back!' cost me a fortune! but so what, i love the feeling of two hundred year old silk against my junk! beneath these trousers is a piece of history... and the queen's panties. the queen's undergarments were very big, they had to be: victoria was the embodiment of english modesty. she also had to cover up her tramp stamp as well.'

- alan alda

- ariel tweto

super tweety

craig ferguson and geoff peterson are back at it with a new email and tweet song!  this time the jingle is in the style of rick james and seems to be a play on his hit 'super freak'.  craig, clad in a goofy wig and mustache, rocks out the leopard print jacket, plays with some sort of fish for some reason, and tries to have his way with geoff in drag!  of course, each version of the tweets jingle must have 'ass mode' in it, this time it is in the form of huge rings craig wears!  they do a great job of getting the 70's rick james style, complete with cheesy effects and everything!

11-02-11

+ 'not a great day for herman cain, the pizza man who turned presidential candidate', craig ferguson shares, 'a third woman accused him of sexual harassment. three! then he was immediately endorsed by bill clinton.

the big news today is about justin bieber. oh, you didnt know? or maybe you did know you just didnt give a fuck! apparently a los angeles woman claims she had justin bieber's love child. she claims she hooked up with him backstage at a concert. thats the life of a pop star for you right there! the only thing that happens to me backstage is a surly teamster comes over and grills at me from time to time. 'you still aint funny, kilborn.' anyway, i hope the justin bieber story isnt true, i like to imagine justin bieber as pure as the driven snow. like the jonas brothers! remember them, young people? of course you dont. if justin did have a baby we can all agree that it would be the cutest baby ever! this will all be cleared up pretty soon. they are going to need a strand of justin's hair to do a DNA test. i'm like 'wha! do not touch his hair!' sure, the woman will have to take a paternity test and then the world will know once and for all who the father is: arnold schwarzenegger!'

- ted danson

- bitsie tulloch

11-01-11

+ 'its not a great day for kim kardashian', craig ferguson shares, 'its not a great day for kim and her soon to be ex husband, lurch kardashian. as the whole world knows by now, they have pulled the plug on their marriage after a whopping 72 days. even by hollywood standards thats not long! i've had erections that have lasted longer! i know, i know, i should have called my doctor. but what am i going to say? 'its awesome, doctor!' i dont know why people get worked up about gay marriage, its not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, its fucking celebrities that are ruining the sanctity of marriage! 'craig, thats rich coming from you who has been married three times' shut up, i cant be held to my own standards, how dare you! i'll tell you, the news about the kardashian divorce has depressed me. its either that or all the candy i ate last night. and this morning. and right before i walked out right here... oh butterfinger, i am your bitch! anyway, the 72 day marriage doesn't come close to the all time hollywood record. thats held by carmen electra and dennis rodman who were married for 9 days. 9 days. it boggles my mind! what could dennis rodman have done? oh thats right, its dennis rodman.'

- maria bello

- jake johnson

10-31-11

+ happy halloween! 'it is a great day for the human race!' criag ferguson states, 'is it? yes it is. we are no seven billion strong! well done, us! the seven billionth person was born today. congratulations! its a baby girl! i think. you know whats more surprising? out of the seven billion people in the world no one is surprised that kim kardashian is getting divorced. thats not true, i was surprised. when i heard she was getting divorced i thought 'what?' i mean, i called it, but i didnt call it that fast- i said like a year, but thats fast! terribly sad. if two celebrities who hardly know each other get married for a tv show cant make it, what hope is there for any of us? apparently kim and her husband whose name is... i dont know, tall dude? what is it, lurch? i dont know. anyway, they didnt have a prenup! yeah, that will scare you on halloween! under california law that means that he is now legally entitled to half the junk in her trunk. thats still a lot of junk...'

- zooey deschanel

* neil gaiman he presents craig with a haggis!

= amanda palmer

10-28-11

+ 'its friday of course', craig ferguson states, 'only three more shopping days until halloween! i've already picked out my costume: i'm going as 'grumpy old man who doesnt give out candy'! anyway, its a very exciting day today, i've been looking forward to it all year. i'm sure you are sick of hearing about it by now, but today is the first day of the rome international film festival. in rome people are running through the streets, drinking and partying, waving their arms in the air! then they heard about the film festival! 'whas a come and a go, itsa movie time!' i've got to be honest with you, i actually dont give a rats ass about the rome film festival, but i do love the city of rome. whenever i think of rome i think of orgies. i know you are wondering 'why? why do you think of roman orgies, craig?' i'll tell you why: because i'm filthy! actually i think of roman orgies all the time, all those writhing bodies, all that exposed flesh, all those shiny helmets rubbing... you know, some times there were women there too!'

- olivia munn

> judy gold

= duran duran

10-27-11

+ 'last night, wednesday night, i did what i normally do on hump day', craig ferguson shares, 'i went to the movies. 'why did you go to the movies on hump day?' i hear you ask in your high pitched scottish voice. why would you go to a movie? what is it about having an infant crying and pooping all over your house that would make you seek the quite dark sanctuary of a movie theater? that 8 month old tyrrant! how could something that small be so loud? i was all complaining about it, i said to my wife 'oh come on, that baby is so loud!' and she said 'yeah, i wonder where he gets that...'. anyway, i saw the movie 'warrior'. its a good movie, actually. the guy who plays the lead is great, his name is tom hardy. he's in the next batman movie, he plays batmans sidekick: throbbin'... nick nolte was in the movie too, it was a great performance. nick nolte actually offered to get me a copy of the movie on dvd, he was going to drive it over himself. i'm like 'nah, its safer if i just go to the theater myself...' anyway, the movie is about mma, thats mixed martial arts. watching those fighters made me feel really out of shape. it inspired me: next week i'm going to do a push up!'

- kunal nayyar

10-21-11

+ 'there's big news in the world of late night tv', craig ferguson shares, 'this week president obama is going to be a guest on the tonight show with jay leno. i'm surprised because his popularity is at an all time low. there are people in the street who are marching against him. so its very nice of president obama to help him out!

hey, did you hear about this thing that happened in dublin? dublin is in ireland. in ireland a man was arrested, and this is true, he was arrested for defecating in his apartment space heater, which apparently is a crime in dublin! he was arrested, the cops barged in and said 'this place is a dump!' and he said 'thanks, i made it me self!' thats true!

- jeffrey tambor

= laura janson

> cory kahaney

10-20-11

+ 'not everybody is having a great day', craig ferguson shares, 'its not a great day for the nut job dictators of the world. moammar gadhafi is in fact no mo mar gadhafi! a spokesperson for the libyan rebels said that gadhafi will soon be replaced by ashton kutcher. it will never work! i dont know, if ashton walks around taking his shirt off all the time it might work! say what you want about gadhafi, no really, you can say what you want, really, whatever you want. its fitting that today was the day that gadhafi got his comuppance. he was a terrible bully. today is of course, spirit day. a day against bullying of all types. people wore purple today in recognition. personally i am wearing a purple tie to support the cause and i am wearing purple briefs to support my junk. there are all kinds of bullies of course, evil dictator bullies, schoolyard bullies, internet bullies, wooly bullys...'

- tom lennon

- sarah paulson

10-19-11

+ 'when ever i see professional baseball players in action i am very impressed', craig ferguson shares, 'unfortunately though, i live in l.a. and we dont have a professional baseball team, just the dodgers. ha ha ha! am i right sports fans? no really, am i right? i dont know! i do like baseball though, theres something incredibly uplifting about baseball and i'm not just talking about the tight pants. there's an inherent optimism about baseball, its something that could have only come from america because even the best players dont get on base more than about three every ten times. if you can hit 40 percent of the time in baseball you are going in the hall of fame! and then later you get your head frozen and put in a box or something, i dont know what the system is. what i'm saying is that when the batter strikes out he goes back to the dugout and he gets ready for the next time and all the other players are like 'you get up there and get em next time'. and thats an optimism that makes baseball american! do you think a french guy would be like that? strike one! 'oh, i surrender...'.'

- carla gugino

> joe matarese