+ 'hi everybody. wait a minute, where's the audience?' asks craig ferguson, 'there is none. the audience machine isnt working. i'm going to do something tonight thats a bit different, i'm going to do a show without and audience. i'll tell you why: i was watching the late night thing unfold, conan and jay, and now conan is gone and jay is back. there was a lot of attention on late night. and i'm no different than anybody else and was kind of interested in it. maybe a little more interested because i kind of work in that area. i dont think this is a late night talk show, i mean, it started as that, but i think its turned into something else. its kind of our nightly train wreck that we have here. i became fascinated with late night again when i watched this terrible thing unfolding. the way i see it is that late night television in the way that i understand it and appreciate it was created in the 50's, really. you had steve allen and jack parr, and then johnny carson made this monster, this huge thing that became the late night television brand. and then that brand was lovingly and cleverly deconstructed by david letterman. everyone else in late night, me included, is unimportant. what i started to become interested in was this show that i actually do at night, cause i thought 'well, this show has some history that goes back beyond me'. theres craig kilborn, my predecessor on this show, he had a very specific style, not mine, but it was his and he owned it. and then before that was a gentleman by the name of tom snyder, who was a very interesting broadcaster. a cranky man by all accounts, i never really spent any time with him, but cranky difficult and brilliant. he would do this show every night and he would just talk to people. so i thought i would like to try that tonight. and then i thought, well, there's nothing new to this, this experiment i'm doing here, isnt an experiment in television, larry king does it every night. charlie rose does it, joy bayhar does it. now, if you watch this show, you watch it because you found it. no one told you it was on. there are no bus ads for craigy. there's no billboards, theres no promotion. you found this show because you found it. and if you stayed with it for any length of time, its because you are interested. i am. i kind of deny this quite a lot, but i do feel a certain connection, a certain kinship with the audience because of that. and so i want you to indulge me tonight. i'm going to talk to one man. now, its not just any man, the man i'm going to talk to tonight is really protection for me, its stephen fry, he will be the guest on the show. hes a brilliant man, a very clever man. to be honest, i knew him in london in the 1980's and i was kind of intimidated by him. he's very clever and very successful. and i thought, if i cant do the show tonight, he will be able to handle it fine on his own. so, in the words of my predecessor, the late and much lamented, tom snyder: sit back, fire up the colortini's, and watch the pictures as they fly through the air!'
2-23-10
+ 'hi everybody. wait a minute, where's the audience?' asks craig ferguson, 'there is none. the audience machine isnt working. i'm going to do something tonight thats a bit different, i'm going to do a show without and audience. i'll tell you why: i was watching the late night thing unfold, conan and jay, and now conan is gone and jay is back. there was a lot of attention on late night. and i'm no different than anybody else and was kind of interested in it. maybe a little more interested because i kind of work in that area. i dont think this is a late night talk show, i mean, it started as that, but i think its turned into something else. its kind of our nightly train wreck that we have here. i became fascinated with late night again when i watched this terrible thing unfolding. the way i see it is that late night television in the way that i understand it and appreciate it was created in the 50's, really. you had steve allen and jack parr, and then johnny carson made this monster, this huge thing that became the late night television brand. and then that brand was lovingly and cleverly deconstructed by david letterman. everyone else in late night, me included, is unimportant. what i started to become interested in was this show that i actually do at night, cause i thought 'well, this show has some history that goes back beyond me'. theres craig kilborn, my predecessor on this show, he had a very specific style, not mine, but it was his and he owned it. and then before that was a gentleman by the name of tom snyder, who was a very interesting broadcaster. a cranky man by all accounts, i never really spent any time with him, but cranky difficult and brilliant. he would do this show every night and he would just talk to people. so i thought i would like to try that tonight. and then i thought, well, there's nothing new to this, this experiment i'm doing here, isnt an experiment in television, larry king does it every night. charlie rose does it, joy bayhar does it. now, if you watch this show, you watch it because you found it. no one told you it was on. there are no bus ads for craigy. there's no billboards, theres no promotion. you found this show because you found it. and if you stayed with it for any length of time, its because you are interested. i am. i kind of deny this quite a lot, but i do feel a certain connection, a certain kinship with the audience because of that. and so i want you to indulge me tonight. i'm going to talk to one man. now, its not just any man, the man i'm going to talk to tonight is really protection for me, its stephen fry, he will be the guest on the show. hes a brilliant man, a very clever man. to be honest, i knew him in london in the 1980's and i was kind of intimidated by him. he's very clever and very successful. and i thought, if i cant do the show tonight, he will be able to handle it fine on his own. so, in the words of my predecessor, the late and much lamented, tom snyder: sit back, fire up the colortini's, and watch the pictures as they fly through the air!'
2-22-10
+ 'you know why its a good day today?', craig ferguson asks, 'because today the new credit card regulations start today. which is good news if you are in credit card debt, like me. i do, i racked up like 50 grand on bedazzelers. starting today the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways, they cant increase their rates when ever they want, which is great news because americans owe 874 billion to credit card companies. to be fair, most of that is mel gibson's bar tab... some people say you should pay your credit card off at the end of the month. these are the same 'people' who tell you to look both ways before you cross the street, who tell you 'dont eat glass', they say 'why dont you bath everyday?' shut up people with good ideas!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: boda- wedding!
- parker posey2-19-10
+ 'the big story today is that this is the birthday of the 14th century astronomer copernicus!', informs craig ferguson, 'the media goes nuts once a year for the birthday of copernicus, born on this day in 1473 blah blah blah, they are always talking about it. i'm sure you are sick of hearing about it now. tmz is sending reporters back to the 15th century to follow copernicus as he gets out of a restaurant and walking over to his horse or something... apparently copernicus did date a lot of people back then, he was the tiger woods of his day. he was gorgeous! he was so good looking i want to give him a coperna-kiss! alright alright. in five years of lame humor, never have we seen a joke as lame as this, but i liked it, so there. copernicus, of course, is famous for his comprehensive heliocentric cosmology. thats a fancy way of saying that the earth revolved around the sun and not the other way around. i hate it when people use fancy language to dress up something simple like that. like when someone says 'mens longform figure skating' and what they really mean is 'gay pride parade'. just say what it is!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: aspiradora- vacuum cleaner!
robot skeleton sidekick?
'i was thinking about this', craig ferguson shares, 'because helena bonham carter was on the show last night and the skeleton was here. then she said 'do you have a side kick?' and i said 'well not really' and i put it next to her and i thought: we will make a sidekick! we will make one! we can build our own sidekick! a robot skeleton sidekick! what do you think?!? maybe we can call in experts to make a robot skeleton sidekick and it can say things like 'craig, your the man!', 'thats cold, buddy'. he can say that! this could be a new dawn in late night television that doesnt have any money! i think its a good idea and i told it to the producers today and they said 'no chance', which means it was a good idea! so, stay tuned loyal robot skeleton people who enjoy robot skeletons on tv, cause i'm going to work on this. obviously we've got a ways to go. maybe we will construct a temporary robot skeleton sidekick until we get a full blown one. you know, like when you burst a tire on your car and youve got a little one to get you as far as the shop where they can put a tire on? well, that will be our robot skeleton until we get... you are seeing this show being made as it happens!'hmmm, will anything come of this? we will have to wait and see!
2-18-10
+ wavey the crocadilio races onto the screne 'sorry if i'm moving too quickly for ya! i'm practicing my snowboarding! yeah! i was watching the snowboarding on the lympics. some people call them the o-lympics. but thats because i think they originated in ireland. people in ireland put the letter 'O' in front of everything, like 'do you want to watch the o'lympics?' no thanks, i'll just watch the lympics! well it was awesome! i was watching the competitors and there is a genuine feeling of camaraderie. i was watching lindsey vonn and she was watching the other girls who were falling over and she was genuinely concerned, like the beautiful snow angel she is! like, if i was in a skiing competition and the others were falling over, i would be like 'yeah, fucker!' thats right, i said it! uh oh! uh oh! the crocadilio cussed! thats right, you know why? because this crocadilio is a bad crocadilio. a bad crocadilio tends to use naughty words. i'm sorry if i upset your delicate sensibilities. but if your sensibilities are so delicate, what are you doing up at this time of night? maybe you should be getting some sleep so you can wake up in the morning so you can oppress other people with your sanctimonious whining!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: nieve- snow!
+ morgan freeman's guide to the winter olympics
2-17-10
+ 'there's big news from the world of movies', craig ferguson shares, 'legendary movie producer roger corman is making a movie for the syfy channel. but not just any movie, i've very excited about this, its a movie about a half shark, half octopus- shartopus! thats what its called! take that avatar! roger corman, if you dont know, he's the king of the low budget film making. he's famous for cheap sets, second hand costumes, bad lighting... did he produce this show by any chance? he didnt just produce movies, he directed some too, movies like 'creature from the haunted sea', 'attack of the crab monsters'. actually, they are going to remake 'attack of the crab monsters', the whole movie will take place in the dark underworld of bret michael's pants. i love roger corman because he is not shy about making knock off versions of popular movies. after the terminator came out he made a movie called 'termination man'. thats awesome! then after star wars he made 'battle beyond the stars'. anyway, he always copies the movies, roger corman, he always picks up and copies them. after spider man he made 'spider fella', after titanic he made 'big sinky boat'...'+ craig's spanish word of the day: pulpo- octopus!
- helena bonham carter man, she is one crazy woman- i like her!
2-16-10
+ 'tuesday is marti gras, or as its called fat tuesday', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm thinking about fat tuesday because over the weekend there was a fat related incident. what happened is kevin smith got thrown off an airplane for being... well... not thin. too unsvelt. he is the antithesis of twig like. kevin smith got thrown off a plane for being fat. to be fair, he is... well, lets just say that fat tuesday for kevin smith is just tuesday. no, he's a good friend of the show, kevin, but he would be the first to admit he is fat. anyway, over the weekend kevin was on a southwest airlines flight, he was already buckled into his seat, and someone from the airline, southwest, they asked him to get out of his seat because of his size. i know! i dont like this, is what i'm saying. charging fat people extra because they take up more space is ridiculous, they dont give thin people a discount, do they? they dont give the cast of desperate housewives a discount because they all fit into one seat. if the airline is going to discriminate people, they should discriminate against chatty people, or farty people, or the kid that sits behind you and bangs on the back of your seat. anyway, what i think was a remarkable display of restraint, kevin did not get mad, he just got even. he just mentioned it on the twitter and it caused a huge bruhaha. and i say good for him, i'm with kevin smith on this one!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: sombra- shadow!+ bob saget stops by the help craig answer the emails and tweets
= your lips, your lips (sorry, i couldnt find a link to this band. dont worry though, cause they really suck and you wont want to link to them...)
2-15-10
+ 'i'm going to say something controversial here', craig ferguson warns, 'i have mixed feeling about the winter olympics. no, i like watching sports, but some of the events during the winter olympics, theres a little too much posing. the athletes are like runway models posing. i think they cant decide if they are going to spend their time practicing or picking out there outfits. i have a hard time taking an athlete seriously if they are dressed like lady gaga! i must be honest, i'm a little bit skeptical about some of these events because the judging seems a bit arbitrary. it feels like the judges are just picking random scores. sometimes i watch the judges and the results and i'm like 'come on, are you high?!?' and we know you cant judge anything if you are high, unless you are paula abdul.'+ craig's spanish word of the day: lentejuelas- sequins!
2-12-10
+ 'the winter olympics is not the only crypto fascist event this weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'because on sunday its valentines day. and just in case men need a reminder of this, there is a movie opening called 'valentines day'. everywhere i look valentines day! valentines day! i leave the house to go to work- valentines day! valentines day! there is another movie opening today though that i'm very excited about. its a scary movie, its called 'wolfman'. so you can guess which movie i'm going to see- valentines day! you know, this is a classic example of the studios using their evil powers to destroy relationships. ladies, of course, any that i know (one in particular), want to see valentines day. but i want to see wolfman. there hasnt been this conflict since 'must love dogs' opened the same day as 'the michael vick story'. and most men i know would rather see wolfman. but if they really want to see a movie about a big creature with giant teeth, you can see valentines day because julia roberts is in it...'+ criag's spanish word of the day: hombre lobo- warewolf!
2-11-10
+ 'as you probably know', criag ferguson says, 'i have a twitter account. and you can follow me at craigyferg. and if you join and follow me on twitter you become part of my robot skeleton army. you can dress like this if you want! its not compulsary.' craig points to kunal nayyar, who plays raj on 'the big bang theory', who is dressed up like a robot, complete with blinking lights and everything! 'when you follow me on twitter you dont have to dress up like that. once all my followers join me on twitter we will all live in a hollowed out volcano and dress like that! you know what happened today? i have been starting to have an argument with grant imuhara from mythbusters because he has a robot cat army. the robot cat army and the robot skeleton army are trying to reach a peace agreement, but its not looking good!'+ criag's spanish word of the day: sobreviviente- survivor!
tweet mail
after all the talk from craig ferguson about how he would never join twitter, he has certainly come around! not only does he reference it often, giving his twitter account name all over the place (if you want to follow him, check the link to the right!), but now he has also incorporated it into his nightly reading of the emails!a while back craig had a bunch of email jingles (which you can learn more about here) that played right before he would read them. he seemed to grow tired of them and retired the jingles for a while, but now hes back at it, this time he has a twitter jingle! he always refers to his twitter followers as his robot skeleton army who live with him in a hollowed out volcano, so the jingle itself is very robotic sounding and features an animated robot army descending from a volcano! its outrageously catchy!
2-10-10
+ 'its not such a great day for another country, greece', craig ferguson shares, 'greece are in trouble. not the musical, i'm talking about the country. the musical is doing great, but the country of greece in southeastern europe is in a huge economical crisis. theyve got a general strike going on. that means no trains, no busses, huge slabs of lamb kabob are spinning, theyve got no one to cut them. to be honest, i saw this comming. they dont take care of anything, the always throw their plates, smashing them, half their buildings are in ruins. they do, they smash their plates at greek weddings, the yell 'oprah!', i have no idea what oprah has to do with greek wedding. you know, if you are in a bit of financial trouble greece, you can give oprah a call... its sad that greece is in trouble, theyve given the world so many great things over the years: democracy, thats from greece, philosophy, that came from greece. with out greece there would be no olympics. of course, the olympics were a bit different from the modern olympics. ancient greek olympics were all male, the competed in the nude, and they were covered in olive oil. go on, laugh at history why dont you. they were nude and covered in olive oil. thats how they invented the pole vault, i'm sure. they were covered in olive oil, it was meant to be the 100 yard dash, and everyone got excited, and...'+ craig's spanish word of the day: coro- chorus!
- gabourey sibide
= ok go
> jeff stilson
2-09-10
+ 'if you are tuning in tonight to hear about latest airline news', craig ferguson informs us, 'then tonight is your lucky night. american airlines was in the news today. they used to have a big business connection with cbs, american airlines. but they dont any more. tough luck for you, american airlines! they announced today that they are going to be charging the customers eight bucks for a blanket. eight bucks for a blanket! that didnt happen when you used to be with cbs! i dont know if thats true... anyway, if you dont want to pay, i've got an idea, you just have to be creative. apparently the airlines are not yet charging for napkins. so what you do, is you bring a sewing kit onto the plane and ask for 500 napkins! or, if you are sitting next to the giant overweight guy who is always on the plane sitting next to me, you just pull some of his gut over the top of you. 'can i use your belly button as a cup holder? thanks'.'+ craig's spanish word of the day: manta- blanket!
- carrie fisher
- donald glover
craig is now on twitter!
guess what? craig ferguson, the man who always mocked twitter as something only for young people, has now changed his mind and has made his own twitter account! in fact, he seems to be obsessed- he has been tweeting a dozen times a day!craig announced it on the show recently, and said 'guess what i did today? i joined the tweety! i know i've always said 'i will never join twitter, i have no interest in joining twitter'. but you must remember that i often lie. tweet me and you can become my follower! and when i have enough followers, i will rule them all in my hollowed out volcano where we will train beside my robot skeleton army!'
be sure to follow him- his posts are really hilarious! check it out here!
2-08-10
+ 'the super bowl yesterday was the most watched program in the history of tv!', craig ferguson exclaims, 'more people watched it than the finaly of m*a*s*h, than who shot j.r.?, than the slap chop infomercial. 106 million people! that more than one in three americans watched it! what?!? a lot of people watched that game yesterday, which is not good news if you are a member of the indianapolis colts, it hurts to have millions of americans watch you embarass yourself on television. i know. well, not millions... you know the saints have that slogan 'who dat?'. no, thats their slogan: who dat? i know it doesnt sound good in my accent... it means as in 'who dat going to beat dem saints?'. anyway, today the saints fans are just saying 'who dat?' cause they are so drunk they cant see the person in front of them. they have gotten the super bowl fever this week, and next week is marti gras- so for the next month new orleans will be on a wild uncontrollable bender! they are going drinking, going crazy, right now on bourbin street the party is already under way. you know you live in a party town when they have streets named after alcohol. in the french quarter it goes bourbin street, jello shots avenue, and then vomit lane. and if you make it to beer goggles blvd, youve gone too far!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: brisa- breeze!
- pierce brosnan
= patty griffin
2-05-10
+ 'it's super bowl weekend this weekend', craig ferguson reminds us, 'l.a. doesnt have a football team. apparently the only reason we dont have one is because we dont have a proper stadium. mayor anthony viarosa says we cant afford to renovate the facade of the historic l.a. colosseum. which is a terrible attitude. in l.a., we've got some renovations going on here that we can help with- just look at cher! now, since l.a. doesnt have a team, i've sort of become a fan of the san diago chargers. which is good and bad cause if you follow the chargers during the regular season its all right, but come the playoffs- you are heart broken. every january we cope with the sudden demise of the team. its that disappointment. its kind of like being vin diesel around oscar time, you kind of know its coming, but still... now, cbs is expecting about a bazillian people to watch the super bowl on sunday. its the most watched event on tv, the super bowl. its nice to see that during this harsh partisan time, when americans dont see eye to eye on anything, we can all agree to sit down and watching two groups of huge men kicking the shit out of each other. get it done!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: resaca- hangover!
+ tim meadows reports from miami about the super bowl
- claire danes
- jill scott
2-04-10
+ 'its a great day here at cbs', craig shares, 'because today is the first day of sweeps. yes, sweeps. for those of you who dont make your living as a tv network whore, sweeps are a month long ratings measurement period, its when the tv shows pull out all the stops to attract more viewers, and this show is no different! and we have a graphic tonight!' a graphic appears at the bottom of the screen that says 'first day of sweeps!'. 'yes, there it is! now, you can tell it must actually be sweeps because the graphic actually appeared! yes, of course it sucks, but the rest of the year the suckage only makes it on to the screen 50 percent of the time, but now everybodys ready. i dont understand why they are called sweeps, it makes me think of a broom. we could use a broom around here. actually, we need more than a broom to solve the problems on this show! we need a wrecking ball to solve the problems on this show!'+ inside the world of acting with sir cornwell barnes. he interviews dwayne 'the rock' johnson about the tooth fairy.
+ craig's spanish word of the day: tiburon- shark!
craig's other mug
ever since craig ferguson got that rattlesnake mug from mary mccormack, he's been getting some more fun gifts! this mug, made by ms. kunis herself, was given to craig when mila kunis came on the show as a guest. mila painted it herself just for craig! craig played it off like he really loved it, but it was obvious that he wasnt too keen on it at all! the best part if the mug is that mila even painted butt cheeks on the back of it!1-29-10
+ 'there a big movie opening today that i'm very excited about', craig ferguson says, 'cause kristen bell is in it, and we love kristen bell on this show. its called 'when in rome', its a romantic comedy about a woman who goes to rome and... i dont know, solves crimes or something... the phrase the movie name comes from, 'when in rome' is short hand for 'when in rome, do as the romans do'. but i dont know if that means ancient romans or contemporary romans, cause they are very different. contemporary romans live in rome, they wear suits, they say 'whats a come and a go?' and 'tootsie fruitsie icea cream'. ancient romans wore sheets and went to orgies...'+ craig's spanish word of the day: zanahoria- carrot!
- jon heder
> dana eagle
= corinne bailey rea
1-28-10
+ rosie o'donnell lipsyncs 'addicted to love', while craig and his regulars are dressed in black dresses and red lipstick!+ 'its a very sad day today for american literature', craig ferguson shares, 'the legendary author j.d. salinger died today at the age of 91. well, he was 91, it terribly sad, but he was 91. he was best known for 'the catcher in the rye'.' at which point a member of the audience claps. 'he cant hear you. look, even when he was alive, i happened to know that he never watched this show... catcher in the rye was the first part of salinger's famous trilogy: 'catcher in the rye', 'shortstop in the rye', and 'catcher in the rye 3: rye harder'. no, no. there is no sequel to 'catcher in the rye'! it sold 65 million copies, but salinger did not want to exploit it for profit, and i respect his refusal to let his work get over commercialized. it reminds me of my autobiography 'american on purpose', which is available at bookstores nation wide... or my other book, 'between the bridge and the river' available at fine bookstores. i wont have that one over commercialized either...'
- rosie o'donnell
= wilco
1-27-10
+ craig mixes it up a bit and starts off with the guests instead of the monologue.+ 'what we would like to celebrate tonight is the birthday of one of the greatest musicians to ever live. wolfgang amadeus mozart. its his birthday today. no please, do not applaud, he cannot hear you, he's dead. 'mozart's dead?!?' yes, but if he were alive today he would be saying 'get me out of ze coffin- i'm alive!' mozart is, of course, from austria and his birthday is a big deal over there. they are always trumpeting the fact that mozart is from there. i think that they try to do is take your mind off of any other very famous austrians... he wrote over 600 pieces of classical music, best know for his master work 'rock me, amadeus'. somepeople prefer bethoven over mozart, i like all the greats, mozart, bethoven, lady gaga...'.
-> myron mixon
1-26-10
+ 'today governor schwarzenegger proposed that we open prisons in mexico', craig ferguson informs, 'its to house the overflow of california inmates. i know! its better than his last idea though, to sent a robot from the future to grope them. 'vy not? it vill verk!' sending prisoners to another country is not a new idea though, australia was a founded by criminals who were deported from england. they werent necessarily bad people. in victorian england you could be thrown in prison for just annoying an aristocrat. 'i say, how can i possibly count my money? that peasant's stomach is growling. all right, off you go!' + craig's spanish word of the day: cuchara- spoon!
- 50 cent
1-25-10
+ craig ferguson mixes things up a bit and starts off with the 'what did we learn on the show tonight, craig?' bit.+ 'the people up in canada are very nice', craig ferguson shares, 'but the animals in canada are bastards. now here's something you probably wont hear on the discovery channel, but polar bears are douche bags. its true! in northern canada the polar bears are jerks, the polar bears, this is true, is one of the few animals that will hunt you down for fun! i saw one following me the whole time i was in canada, sitting a few rows behind me on the airplane trying to look incognito in a hat and a magazine. i dont know what he was reading, i think it was 'bear's life'. once they start following you, you cant get rid of them!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: oso- bear!+ at the end of the show craig welcomes us all and says 'stay tuned for the rest of the show!' weird...
jersey shore: the movie
craig ferguson shows a funny spoof of 'jersey shore', claiming that they are releasing a 'jersey shore' movie! the preview says the film is rated I for idiotic, and features 'extreme mookishness, pickles, nudity, and ham'. there are even a few famous people stepping in to make fun of the people on the real show- mila kunis as snooki, tom lennon as 'the situation', nick lachey as ronnie, and even video game great mario, makes an appearance! very funny!
1-22-10
+ tonight is mythbusters night! 'mythbusters is about more than just busting myths', craig ferguson reminds us, 'its also about blowing stuff up! the mythbusters take popular myths and prove whether they are real or not. most modern myths are started by movies, actually. by hollywood movies. for instance, one episode of mythbusters they proved that shooting a car's gas tank does not make it explode. ah ha! makes you wonder what other lies are in the movie tango and cash!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: flatulencia- flatulence!
# tory belleci
# grant imahara
# kari byron
= hot rats
1-21-10
+ craig starts off with a sketch of 'jersey shore: the movie"- very funny!+ 'its a great day for american television', craig ferguson exclaims, 'tonight is the season finale of the award winning pbs documentary series 'jersey shore'. its not on pbs, its on mtv. wasnt it great, though? i didnt watch it, i cant afford cable. jersey shore is huge, its the most popular tv show in mtv history, even more popular than bevis and butthead. now, if you havent seen jersey shore, its basically 'the real world', but with italian americans who spend a lot of time in tanning booths, putting on hair gel. one of the guys says 'being italian is all about family, friends, tanning, and gel.' i dont think all italians americans would agree with that. the characters of jersey shore call each other guidos and guidettes. one guy says 'my abs are so ripped up they are called the situation'? he gave his abs a nickname because his abs are so awesome they are a situation? i think the situation he needs it to get himself to a damn dictionary!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: basura- garbage!
- adam goldberg
- abbie cornish
1-20-10
+ 'i was talking to the audience before hand, because i was talking about canadians', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm going to see some canadians this weekend and i'm very excited. i enjoy the company of canadians, which is lucky cause they live right on the border. so anyway, i was explaining to some members of the audience that canadians are shy, and i said 'you know, like an octopus'. appearently people dont know that octopuses are shy. but they are. you know why? ever seen one at a party? no. i rest my case. i know what you are thinking, but they do get invited. 'we will have to invite your sister, and your sisters husband even though he's a jerk. what about that lovely octopus we met when we were on holiday' 'should we?' 'yeh, lets invite him!' the mail goes through, invitation arrives somewhat soggy at the octopuses cave, the octopus opens the envelope- with ease!- and the octopus goes 'oh, how lovely to hear from those lovely people i met on holiday last year. oh, they've invited me to a party! no... i'm shy. like canadians'.'+ craig's spanish word of the day: travesti- transvestite!
- keri russell
> jake johannsen
1-19-10
+ craig ferguson plays some outtakes of morgan freeman's recording the opening for cbs news. very funny!+ 'have you seen the avatar movie? it looks like its going to pass by titanic as the most successful movie of all time. and i'm like 'uh oh!' cause i still havent seen it! i know what your thinking 'but craig, thats a massive pop culture phenomenon you've completely ignored!' damn right there is! right there i ignored it, i zig when you zag, bitches! i just called you bitches, i'm so sorry... one of the reasons avatar has made so much money is because 3D tickets are more expensive. i think the studios should think about a sliding scale for movie tickets. for a good movie, like avatar, thats ok, i dont mind paying a bit extra. for an ok movie, charge a little bit less, and for a terrible movie, the studio pays you. i think it will work! the theater has a shady guy outside asking 'have you heard about the morgans?' (hands over a couple bucks) 'how about now? you hear about them now?'!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: bigote- mustache!
- alan alda
- anna kendrick
1-18-10
+ 'a lot of people in l.a. are very upset about what happened yesterday', craig ferguson shares, 'the golden globe awards got rained on. do you watch the golden globe awards? no, i dont either. anyway, the golden globes, if you dont know, is an awards show that i will never be at. its also an awards show thats put on by the hollywood foreign press association, basically its 100 people who work for a prestigious news organizations like the amsterdam penny saver, or the beriln newsenpoopen. they have this big award show, usually they put big tents over the red carpet, but yesterday they decided to save money and not put up tents- and it was not pretty! the celebrities make up was all washed off, revealing their true age, many of them. turns out dakota fanning is 45- shes just a cute little person! i suspected it when i saw her in that funny car. some celebs actually melted in the rain. the cast of desperate housewives had to hide under kim kardashians ass. it was terrible!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: hamburguesa- hamburger!
- marion cotillard
= steve jones from the sex pistols talk and sing
1-15-10
+ 'there's a new movie opening today that looks pretty good', craig ferguson shares, 'its called 'the spy next door', it stars jackie chan. you dont really need to know what a movies about if jackie chan is in it, if jackie chan is in a movie its probably got fighting in it. you wont see jackie chan wasting time in a stuffy english drama. the spy next door is an action comedy. belly laughs mixed with extreme violence- thats entertainment right there. usually destruction doesnt mix well with violence, just look at nbc's late night lineup. anyway, in the movie jackie chan babysits his girlfriends children, teaching them important lessons: stay in school, eat your vegetables, the best way to kill a man is with a full diaper. its not that difficult. the toughest part is filling the diaper...'+ craig's spanish word of the day: hongo- mushroom!
1-14-10
+ 'i'm talking about fashion tonight', craig ferguson discusses, 'because tonight marks the return of one of my favorite shows on tv, project runway. its back in its original home, new york city. last season it was in l.a., and frankly a show about fashion does not work in l.a. people in l.a. dont want to fashionable, they want to look like they just got home from the gym. they wear work out clothes, they listen to the jonas brothers on thier ipods... maybe thats just me. what can i tell you, i love spandex. i do, i feels so good on me. spandex makes me feel young! it pushes it all back to where it used to be! why dont they make spankz for me?!? anyway, i'm glad that project runway is back in new york city because new york city is the capital of american fashion. when you take a new york fixture and you put it in l.a. if flounders. it would be like taking andy warhol from the new york art scene and putting him on the beach. putting a fashion show in l.a. is ridiculous, its like putting jay leno in primetime- it just doesnt work! you know what l.a. fashion is? its boobies. theres nothing wrong with that, i enjoy them immensely. new york fashion is about no boobies. see, new york fashion models cant have boobies, it would throw them off when they do that walk, you cant have everything moving around! new york fashion is all about shoulders and necks and turning these young women into giraffes.'+ craig's spanish word of the day: cacahuete- peanut!
1-13-10
+ 'i feel vulnerable this evening', craig ferguson confesses, 'its all this late night stuff, its working away at me. its like i had onions. havent i ever told you about that? onions dont agree with me at all. and i'm not talking about in an existentialist way, its not like i go into the kitchen and say 'hmm, is there a god?' and the onions are like 'dont be absurd'. its not like that. they dont argue with me in that regard, they just dont agree with me. when i eat onions they cause me to feel upset down below. and this whole late night thing is doing the same thing. everyone is all fighting, i hate it when mom and dad are fighting and i dont know what to do. and then i got all frightened cause i was watching dave earlier on, and he just introduced me now, cause we're live, and he said 'i think its craig ferguson next' and i'm like 'what do you know?!? dave, i've always been loyal to you!' anyway, not to worry. i mean, i loose this job i can always get something better. lets be honest. there are fast food chains that are dying for a young wipper snapper like me. i know how this is going to end up, with me selling used cars on regional television. 'come down to our store where we are having a massive sale on cars that advertise on cbs!'. awe man, it makes me feel bad, i wish i was in a more stable profession... actually, i just lied to you- i'm loving this shit!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: tortuga- turtle!
conan leaves the tonight show
with all this craziness going on with the late night problems at nbc between jay and conan, its important to keep one thing clear. it doesnt matter if you are on team jay, or team conan, because the best late night show is 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!!! just remember: i'm with craig!
1-12-10
+ 'i have some news', craig ferguson admits, 'i would like to announce that i am retiring. i just have to say that i refuse to go on after jay leno. like everyone else... of course the big news in tv today is conan o'brian, in a written statement, that he will not do the tonight show after jay leno, which means he quit. i think. but he also said that he wants the tonight show the best it can be, which means he didnt quit. i think. i have no idea, but i'm sure the lawyers will figure it out. because thats the best way for two parties who cant agree on anything to work things out- get some lawyers in there! get it all worked out, it worked for my first two marriages- it worked for the lawyers anyway...' 'we've got to take a break. i'm frightened to take a commerical break cause i dont know if my job will be here when i get back. i suppose i better than. look, if i take a break and you come back and its jay leno, you'll know what happened.'+ craig's spanish word of the day: sobaco- armpit!
- carey mulligan
> paula poundstone
craig's spanish word of the day
at the beginning of the year craig ferguson made a new years resolution: he will learn the spanish language! now, i have my doubts about it, but he promised that by the end of the year he will be doing a whole show in spanish! good luck...one of the segments that he has done since then is the 'craig's spanish word of the day' where one spanish word is defined. after its definition is given, craig tries to use it in a sentence, often to hilarious effect!
good luck reaching your goal, craig, you will need it!
1-11-10
+ 'now if you havent heard the news about the late night war thing, then congratulations, you have a life.' craig ferguson says, 'apparently jay leno is going back to 11:30. its not a smooth transition though, a lot of feeling are getting hurt. now, i like jay and conan, i honestly feel for them both. you know the world is on its ass when dave and i are the stable ones! it was really awkward this weekend at the late night club house. you know we all live together in a big house? its like jersey shore. i share a room with jimmy fallon. he's farty, but its ok cause he's on the bottom bunk. david letterman is the king of the household, he has his own room. no one knows what goes on in there except his lawyers and the fbi... its my last show everybody! the nbc wing is very confusing: jay leno used to have his own room, but now he shares with conan. carson daly doesnt get his own room, he just sits in the corner going 'trl, trl, trl...'. now, i know most people dont care about late night tv, and i dont blame them. before i got this job i didnt give a rats ass about late night tv. even now i dont give a rats ass! i think thats perfectly evident by the quality of this show! the media has been going nuts on this thing though. what i'm saying i think is, its a bunch of middle aged white guys fighting over who gets x number of millions of dollars, who gives a fuck?'+ craig's spanish word of the day: albondiga- meatball
1-08-10
+ craig ferguson starts off the show with a funny bit with jason segel and his pee pee.+ 'there's two big birthdays in the world of music today', craig ferguson shares, 'david bowie is 63 today, ziggy stardust still looks good, i hope i look that good when im 63. i'll probably look like a stained old sofa when i'm 63. its also the kings birthday, elvis presley, he would have been 75 today. elvis and david bowie are very different though, one of them was a music legend who was wacked out on drugs and wore sparkly jumpsuits... actually, they are pretty similar if you think about it. anyway, david bowie has always been surrounded by rumors that he was gay, now the gay rumors started with a misunderstanding because he did an interview with a british journalist who got the impression he was gay. i dont know why, it might have been the part of the interview when david bowie said 'i'm gay'. then a few years later david bowie's ex wife said she caught him in bed with mick jager, which i dont believe, i dont see mick jager as someone who swings both ways... i miss the day when rock stars were known for decadent sexual behavior, now if you want to see that sort of thing, you have to watch golf. rock and roll used to be unpredictable and rebellious, now most rock stars are just corporate monkeys dancing for pennies thrown by the man. and thats my thing, so knock it off, you bastards!'
- jason segel he and craig have so much fun, he ends up staying for the whole show!
1-07-10
+ "the consumer electronics show is this weekend', craig ferguson informs us, 'when it comes to electronics, i'm something of a luddite. do you know what luddites are? luddites are british people in the early 19th century who protested against the industrial revolution, they felt technology was ruining their lives. they were textile workers, so they thought the weaving loom was the work of the devil. they were like 'we dont like the weaving loom, its the work of the devil! we like things the way they are, you know, expensive old fashioned way of making pants, the black death, taxation without repesentation- thats one of our favorites.' they thought the weaving loom was satan's work. because everybody knows, satan loves quality trousers.'> steven wright
- michelle monaghan
1-06-10
+ 'now, yesterday i spent the whole monologue talking about crabs', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the kind that live in the sea because there was a new species of crab discovered. anyway, today there is even more exciting news from the sea that i want to talk about. i guess that makes this 'sea week' on the show. keep in mind, sea week might not go past tonight though... earlier today there was trouble on the high seas. now, what was the trouble? i hear you ask. was it sharks? was it pirates? no, whale hunters. they rammed their ship right into some anti whaling protesters. actually, i support all those environmental groups like green peace, but nothing makes those guys angrier than whaling. except maybe if you take their weed. i'm glad people are out there fighting for animal rights. they disrupt the whaling, they fight the elephant poachers, they fight for the right for dogs to play poker. now, the protesters had to be evacuated to another boat called, and i'm not kidding, the 'bob barker'. they were thinking about updating the boat and calling it the 'drew carrey', but they would need a bigger boat. take that, old friend! apparently what happened is that bob barker donated money to this protesting group and they named the boat after him. i think that's why they named the boat after him, that what they say, but i think they named it after him is because it's old and leaky. i'm kidding, i love bob barker. last time i had him on he tried to have me spade and neutered. the whaling boat is from japan, they hunt more whales than anyone else. shouldnt they be hunting godzilla? a whale isn't going to destroy tokyo, godzilla is!'- ray romano
= herb alpert
marshmallow gun
recently craig ferguson got a new toy! during one of the segments of 'the late late show with craig ferguson' he pulled out a little marshmallow gun! its a little gun made of pvc pipes that he put little marshmallows in, pointed it at the audience, then blew through the hole- out pops a marshmallow! as he was first playing with it he jokingly asked the director why he had it: 'is this so i am more appealing to a younger demographic?!?' yup, it sure is! if he plays with this all the time, it reminds me of rosie o'donnell and her koosh balls! oh, maybe there's an endorsement deal in the works here!!!
1-05-10
+ 'today is a great day if you are a fan of crabs', craig ferguson announces, 'its true, and who isnt a fan of crabs? if you have tuned in tonight to hear the latest crab news, then tonights your lucky night! because scientists have discovered a brand new species of crab, its called the strawberry crab. why? i'll tell you why: because it looks like a strawberry. isnt that adorable? and its tasty i imagine as well. i'd rather have a case of strawberries than a case of crabs. but you can get either at a road side stand for ten bucks. i learned that the hard way. anyway, the scientists found the crab of the coast of taiwan, i think they heard it call or something 'come to me, i look like a delicious fruit!' same thing i call every night 'come to me, i look like a delicious fruit!' but the strawberry crab may be cute, but he's still a crab. and i dont like crabs. i'll tell you why: i dont like anything that walks sideways. i dont like crabs, ancient egyptians, and lawyers. alright, thats a bit harsh, i didnt mean to offend the ancient egyptians.+ craig got a marshmallow gun to shoot at the audience.
+ craig calls kathy griffin to see how her CNN new years eve gig went.
1-04-10
+ 'we are back! today is the start of our sixth season,' craig ferguson exclaims, 'five years yesterday we were on the air. thats 4.9 years longer than anyone thought we were gunna last. thats absolutely true. i havent received any anniversary gifts yet, traditionally, on the sixth anniversary you are supposed to give wood. i have been waiting 5 years to do that joke! anyway, this year i promise you clever jokes, whity insights, topical humor. but only if you are watching HBO, cause here at CBS, same old crap.'+ as a part of the new years, craig makes a resolution that he is going to try and learn spanish! he says that by the end of the year he will do a show entirely in spanish. i dont think he really thought this one out very well...
12-23-09
+ 'at my house, christmas is at a fever pitch', craig ferguson shares, 'my son is 8 and a half, so there is a lot of jumping up and down, looking for presents, crawling up the chimney- and my son is pretty excited too. he's at the age where he's starting to suspect that santa clause might not be what he appears, and i understand that. when i was his age i was suspicious too, i remember i used to leave refreshments for santa: cookies and whiskey. thats refreshments where i come from. we used to have that at half time at soccer games at school. 'alright children, come over for your cookies and whiskey!' 'ok, thank you!' anyway, we would leave cookies and whiskey out for santa. then the next morning i noticed my dad's breath smelled like whiskey and cookies. then i realized the awful truth: my dad had been making out with santa!'+ an interview with tim meadows from the mall of america
-> jose andres
12-22-09
+ 'its a great day for me because i just finished my christmas shopping', craig ferguson shares, 'i always finish my christmas shopping before christmas. i got up early to get to the mall, hours before dawn, it was brutal. me, arnold schwarzenegger, and sinbad all fighting for the same toy, we are all rolling around on the ground wrestling and pinching each other. then the stores open and we have to go get some things... you know what i do these days? a lot of people do this, they shop online. they say its quicker than shoping at the mall, but its not for me, because at the mall i cant be distracted by porn.'+ a sean connery christmas memory
- kathy griffin
= harry connick jr.
12-21-09
+ 'i had a very busy weekend' craig ferguson tells, 'yes i did, i was out this weekend and i bought a christmas tree for my house. well, you know, for everyone in my house, not just for my house, its not like 'there you go, house, merry christmas'. now, when i was single i just had a drawing of a tree taped to the fridge, that and mistletoe underwear. but now that i'm married, i have a big domesticated christmas with the christmas tree. we went to the parking lot tree sales. here in l.a. you can buy trees in the same parking lots that sold pumpkins last month. so in december they sell christmas trees, in november they sell pumpkins, and in the summer they sell crack! thats true! anyway, i put the tree up in the living room and my dog peed on it. now, i know what you are thinking, but he did not learn that from me!'+ a sean connery holiday memory
+ betty white as a salvation army bell ringer
12-18-09
+ 'its a great weekend in hollywood, i'm very excited' craig ferguson admits, 'theres a big movie that opens today, i'm very excited about it, its one of the most anticipated movies of the year. expect long lines at the movie theaters all weekend. its avatar. you know, the science fiction one, with the planet with the blue people. they look like cats! that means it will be successful. people love cats! i dont know why. the play 'cats' ran on broadway for over 100 years. if the people who made avatar are smart, there will be scene in the film where a cat bursts into song with all the other cats who all sing along in cockney accents 'oh, i'm a big blue cat, me name is socks! and i left a present in me litter box!' ah, cockney singing cats, there isnt anything funnier than that! anyway, the avatar movie cost 300 million dollars to make. which doesnt mean its good, i havent seen it so i dont know. but you dont need 300 million dollars to make a good movie, all you need is a good script, good actors, and boobies. now that i think about it, you dont really need actors or a script...'- dame judi dench
12-17-09
+ 'its a big anniverary today' craig ferguson reminds us, 'mine? no, mine's on monday- i remembered, just in time! no, its 106 years ago this very day, the wright brothers in south carolina i think, the first air plane flight. the first flight was just 12 seconds long. it would have been shorter, but they had to change planes in st. louis... the wright brothers, of course, were wilber wright and orvile wright. they were bicycle manufacturers, some how they got this crazy idea that they could build an aircraft. basically, they were the 'jackass' guys of their day. historians say the wright brothers were constantly tinkering with their airplanes. they spent years experimenting with various models. much like tiger woods... now i've told you this before, i love the aviation. im a bit of an aviation buff, i am. there is something magical about looking down from above. everything looks great from above: buildings, freeways, clevage.'12-16-09
+ 'the most terrifying news story today', craig ferguson warns, 'is that octopuses use coconuts for shelter. octopuses have learned to use coconuts! i couldnt believe it, i always thought more than one octopus was called octopi, but its octopuses. what? thats what it is! i have no idea why, dont email me english majors, i dont care. but heres why it doesnt make sense to me: if you have more than one cactus, youve got a cacti. if you have more than one stimulus, youve got stimuli. if youve got more than fungus, youve probably had sex with bret micheals. but i do like octopi because it makes me hungry because i think of eight pies. and pie is the tarzan to my stomachs jane... that doesnt even make sense for this show! anyway, it turns out they dig up coconuts from the ocean floor and make stuff! isnt that adorable? they make shelters, weapons, pina coladas. my mother used to always say 'i'm not an octopus, i cant do eight things at once. which i never understood, just cause youve got eight arms, doesnt mean you can do eight things at once. its a ridiculous notion, although my mother did used to hide in a coconut.'+ a collection of christmas specials from different famous people: sarah palin, andy rooney, kate gosselin, simon cowell, willie nelson, paula abdul, and tom cruise.
12-15-09 1000th episode!
+ for this special 1000th episode of 'the late show with craig ferguson' our favorite hand puppet, the crocadilli-alligator wavey is hosting! in fact, for the 1000th episode, craig isnt even on it! everything is over run with puppets! wavey interviews the guests, does the monologue, and introduces the show. the rest of the show is filled with puppets too, including all the regular bits. check out the pictures for more: 
- jason schwartzman 
+ a sean connery holiday memory. its the same old funny bit, but this time sean connery is a puppet of a goat. actually, it makes it even funnier!
+ dear aquaman. just like a regular aguaman bit where he answers emails, but this time aquaman is a shark with a human body and blond hair.
- dracula puppet by jason segal from 'forgetting sarah marshall' singing 'dracula's lament'
- kristen bell
+ a song with wavey, a harem of women, all the show's supporting players, and prince charles! (which is the only time we actually see craig ferguson on his own 1000th show)
- jason schwartzman + a sean connery holiday memory. its the same old funny bit, but this time sean connery is a puppet of a goat. actually, it makes it even funnier!+ dear aquaman. just like a regular aguaman bit where he answers emails, but this time aquaman is a shark with a human body and blond hair.- dracula puppet by jason segal from 'forgetting sarah marshall' singing 'dracula's lament'- kristen bell
+ a song with wavey, a harem of women, all the show's supporting players, and prince charles! (which is the only time we actually see craig ferguson on his own 1000th show)
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