11-14-08

+ shocked, craig ferguson talks about how a movie studio recently 'announced movie plans for 'monopoly'. its official: hollywood is out of ideas. agents all over town are calling their clients 'can you play a wheelbarrow? what about a hat?'.'

'the new bond comes out today. now, of course sean connery is the best bond, but theres been arguing over who the second best bond is. we already know who the best is, arguing over the second best is like arguing who's the second best member of 'tom petty and the heartbreakers'! whats the point?!?'

- jim parsons from big bang theory.

= ray davies

11-13-08

+ remember that person who got a sex change, but then got pregnant? well, craig ferguson shares that 'tonight barbara walters has an interview with the man who got pregnant. its called 'what is a man? what is a woman?' now, i thought i knew! a man has a peepee, a woman has a shoe collection. they both love them, admire them for hours, lie about their size...'

+ dear aquaman

+ sketch of the new bond film with sean connery as bond again, with jim parsons playing the evil bad guy- very funny!

- andy richter (craig and andy were in 'larry the wonder dog' together. both of them thought it sucked! i saw it and i must say they are not wrong...)

= cold war kids

+ at the beginning of the show one of the workers of the show, megan o'toole, cut her long hair from locks of love, the cancer charity.

sean connery reads from this autobiography

as is required of all scotsman, craig ferguson does a great sean connery impression! over the years of the show he had found different ways to incorporate that impression in. he used to do a segment called 'this day in history with sean connery' where he would stand in a study, with a drink in his hand, and share the sorted escapades he had with different people while he was drunk. it was a really funny bit, very much like 'michael caine in space'. now, craig has begun doing 'sean connery reads from his autobiography' where craig plays connery sitting and reading from the book in front of him. usually he adds little asides about women, or he will just randomly ramble without even looking at the book. in my opinion, any time craig does his connery impression is hilarious!

the mug

when i visited 'the late late show with craig ferguson' this past spring i went to the gift shop and bought everything they had with craig on it! i got this coffee mug there, and i dont even drink coffee! its currently on display on the shelf above my kitchen sink. feel free to drop by and gaze upon its beauty. now taking reservations.

11-12-08

+ the CMAs were on tonight, craig ferguson mentions, 'a couple years ago i presented at the CMAs. i wore a cowboy hat and a kilt! i looked like a redneck drag queen...'

'i like country music, i love bluegrass music too. its like country music, but it has more soul and less teeth.'

+ dave foley comes on to promote a fake fishing book.

- seann william scott

- kathy kinney (mimi from the drew carrey show)

warm up comedian

when i visited the show back in april i got to see how the show goes. before craig ferguson comes out the audience is treated to a warm up comedian, he is someone who comes out and gets everyone riled up so that when craig starts we will know how to conduct ourselves- lots of laughs! he started by reminding everyone that if we think he is funny we should laugh loud, 'the camera doesnt hear smiles!'. he told some jokes, most of them fairly lame, in order for us to practice our laughing. another tried and true trick he used: throw free candy into the crowd! he told us often that we should applaud loudly when craig first comes out 'i want to hear thunder!'
(the rest of my awesome visit to 'the late late show' is talked about here)

11-11-08

+ with the economy so bad, craig ferguson shares 'many companies are going out of business: sharper image. not surprising, they only sold stupid crap for rich jerks. 'oh, i've got a wine guage, i use it to guage my wine...'. linens and things. not surprising either, the problem is they took a real apathetic approach to what they sold, besides linens. they dont care... even starbucks is down. i've got some advice for them, they can turn it around in two easy steps: 1. stop selling cds! if i wanted a cd i'd go back in time to when cd's were not obsolete! 2. bring back the zuccini walnut muffin! yesterday circuit city filed for chapter 11. who's next?'
+ dear aquaman
- coolio. talk and sing
> tom dreesen and tim reid

11-10-08

+ 'i went to new york city over the weekend', tells craig ferguson, 'then i went to baltimore, where i have never been before. baltimore? you bet i do! balt as much as you can! i flew out of dullas airport- what a lovely airport! why cant every airport be like this? its clean, the planes leave on time, the security people are nice. they strip searched me, but only after i asked them to... and they cuddle you afterward.'

+ jk rowling show

- mark harmon

> ron white

11-07-08

+ 'the obama's are getting a new puppy', craig ferguson tells us, 'they are thinking of names: rex if it's a boy, and hillary if its a bitch.'

+ a brief check in with president bush

- christian slater

* luke dempsey

= eric hutchinson

tim meadows

on his show, craig ferguson has a group of actors who stop by regularly for different sketches and bits. he usually invites them on in the first half hour of the show before the guests. among these regulars is tim meadows.

tim usually comes on as a reporter. he stands in front of a green screen and reports from where ever the story is that week. in his reports he usually talks about his own laziness in not wanting to report, or how the event he's covering really sucks. he and craig banter back and forth, which usually devolves into tim calling craig a racist. of craig's cast of regulars, tim meadows is most often the funniest.

henry winkler

on his show craig ferguson has a group of actors who stop by regularly for different sketches and bits. he usually invites them on in the first half hour of the show before the guests. among these regulars is henry winkler.

henry will come on and talk about whatever he is suppossed to be a pro about that week. he has come on to promote (fake) books, give advice for winterizing you house, giving advice to presidential hopefulls, and anything else he wants to. usually playing on his positive image, he jokes with craig and usually gives terrible advice.

mouse pad

when i went to california and saw a taping of 'the late late show with craig ferguson' i made sure to stop in the gift shop and buy anything with the show on it. among the things i got was this mouse pad for the show. i now have it at school and use it everyday!

11-06-08

+ 'there's protests going on about the ban on gay marriage,' craig ferguson informs us, 'there are hundreds of drag queens marching around town as we speak. and i'm stuck here... oh, i could have been somebody!'

+ monologue recap, austrailan monologue recap

- elizabeth banks

- jay mohr

11-05-08

+ the day after the election craig ferguson warns us 'you know this leaves the door open for a scottish-american president...'

+ 'i tivoed the election, so don't tell me who won...' craig jokes, 'i have to say, the election result, how ever it is for the country, its terrible for late night talk show hosts. its tragic. obama doesnt make that many mistakes- how can i do my job?!? im getting a little panicky. a dignified african-american running the country- what the hell can i do with that? my only hope is biden. i think my way in is biden. i'm hoping he's a little crazy, you know in 'lion king' there's that hyena ed? i'm hoping biden is this!'

+ tim medows reports from grant park

-paris hilton

* dr. drew

11-03-08

+ its election eve, and craig ferguson has a little poem to share: 'twas the night before the election and all through the nation, we were all sick of it and need a vacation!'

+ access extratainment tonight with barney slash and john tesh

- bill maher bill and craig both pretend to be disgusted with what each other just said

10-31-08

+ its halloween and craig ferguson talks about some of the different costumes he's worn over the years. last year he dressed up as a banana!

+ sean connery reads from his autobiography

+ a talk with governer arnold schwarzenegger impersonator

- lauren graham

= the damned

10-30-08

+ obama recently bought a half hour of airtime on most major networks and craig ferguson talks about the infomercial and how ross perot did something similar back in 1992.

+ call from governor arnold schwarzenegger impersonator

ford commercial thinly veiled as a skit about a fake band called 'the highlanders', followed by a music video from the group. finally, this ridiculous ford promotion is done!

- kevin smith

- kaitlin olson the girl from 'its always sunny in philadelphia'

= the damned

10-29-08

+ as a boss, craig ferguson has a few responsibilities, he tells us, 'cbs, my employer, is making me watch the sexual harassment video. it defines it as this: 'any conduct that makes someone uncomfortable on the basis of their sexuality'. well here's what i think: making anyone watch a sexual harassment video at work is a form of sexual harassment! i dont come here to think about sex, i came here to do my job, and your making me think about sex! thats sexual harassment! and i get uncomfortable thinking about anyone's sexuality, especially mine- i'm european!'

+ harry potter skit

# ben stein

- parminder nagra

= new york dolls

10-28-08

+ ted stevens, the senator from alaska, is in the news. craig ferguson comments 'hes been convicted of seven felony counts, but hes still running for the senate, which reminds me of that knight in the monty python movie- 'just a scratch!' 'you're a seven time felon!' 'no i'm not, nothing to see here!'...'

- pepe the king prawn

+ dear aquaman

- saffron burrows

= x

email ganja

as far as email time jingles go, the one that seems to be played most often is the jamaican style jingle about smoking weed. craig always plays it on fridays, saying its 'for everyone enjoying an 'herbal cigarette' on the weekend'. recently he showed the same jingle, but now with new animated graphics!

celebrity minute

a segment sometimes featured on the late late show, this one has craig ferguson as vance la brea, an interviewer of celebrities. craig takes a stock interview with different actors and cuts it with vance la brea asking them questions that do not fit at all with their responses. its often very funny!

10-27-08

+ craig ferguson was in las vegas over the weekend. he did stand-up at the mgm grand. 'it has two theaters, one can fit, like, a jillion people, the other is more intimate, for puppet shows and close-up magic. i'll let you guess which one i played...'

+ henry winkler as a pollster

- kathy griffin she brought her two emmys with her

* carl bernstein

10-24-08

+ 'this week in people magazine', craig ferguson shares, 'sarah palin talks about the plans for her daughters wedding. she says its very difficult to find a dress that doesnt clash with the shotgun. but she's not letting the critizism get her down. she says shes putting the election in Gods hands. which is good news for the democrats, because most of them think obama is god!'

- mo'nique

> bill santiago really lame

= lanka

10-23-08

+ after recently looking at a ballot in california, craig ferguson explains how complicated it is. there are a bunch of propositions on the ballot that he talks about. 'there is a proposition against animal cruelty. who would vote for animal cruelty? besides michael vick...'

many times during the night craig stops himself, saying 'if you just thought the same dirty joke as me...'

+ a ford commerical thinly veiled as a skit

- john malkovich

= little jackie

10-22-08

+ more election frustration from craig ferguson, and something or other about sporks...

# chris matthews

- christopher mintz-plasse

10-21-08

+ after looking at a few polls, craig ferguson tells us 'they are saying this election will be decided by the 'undecided voter', just like in 2004, 2000, 1996... and every other election ever! according to polls, seven percent of people are still undecided. i have a question for those people: what the hell is wrong with you?!? i think they just want attention. we've been baraged with informations for months, years now! the choice for this election is black and white- literally!'
-> rachel ray
# leanne marshall, winner of this season of project runway.
= laura marling

10-20-08

+ with joe the plumber now a political mascot, craig ferguson has a few things to say about him. 'joe the plumber is meant to represent the 'regular americans'. i dont get that! america is a diverse country, theres no such thing as a regular american, except americans that take fiber...'

+ the rather late programme with prince charles. he got a new guard to replace paul.

* dee dee myers

- noah emmerich

10-10-08

+ 'the mccain/palin ticket got an NRA endorsement' craig ferguson shares, 'palin, a huge enthusiast of guns, said shes actually using a shotgun to plan her daughters wedding...'

+ white trash style tips with tim gunn

+ dear aquaman

celebrity minute with vance la brea

- little britain

= tom morello

10-09-08

+ its lief ericson day, and craig ferguson talks about the life of the famous viking who landed on north america hundreds of years before columbus.

+ a ford commerical thinly veiled as a skit

- russell crowe

- jennifer esposito

= no age

10-08-08

+ the election is still the focus of craig fergusons monologue. 'i wont reveal who i'm voting for' craig tells us, 'but i speak for late night comedians when i say mccain is a better choice... for comedy. some people vote for someone who will create more jobs, but someone creates more jokes is kind of what im interested in...'

+ white trash style tips with tim gunn

a fun new game with footage from the debates: find the bald guys!

= natasha bedingfield talks and sings

- rufus sewell

10-07-08

+ today craig ferguson has some things to say about the election. its time to set straight the perception some have of the process: 'the country has problems, we wont solve this by being polite. a french philosopher once said 'its better to debate a problem without settling it, than to settle a problem without debating it.' and its never been more true. the media is too easy on the candidates. the only major media figure who holds these guys to account is jon stewart. he is! i love jon stewart, he does a great show, but hes a comedian! on the comedy network!!! whats it say about the state of the union when the best political analyst is on right after 'battle bots'?!? i think we are to blame here, 'we the people', this year tens of millions of americans wont vote, which is pathetic. you hear people complain about our image around the world, nothing makes us look worse than not voting!

democracy is always under threat, the threat right now is complacency. in poland, when they were trying to bring down communism in the 80's, there was this thing called 'the solidarity movement.' in 1989 there was a referendum in poland to decide if they were going to stay with the soviet communist party, or go for democracy. and the polish government, instructed by the kremlin, was to break the heads of anyone supporting an opposition party like the solidarity party. the people were scared. they didnt know what to do. the night before the vote, solidarity members plastered warsaw with posters, and the posters had such a powerful image that it inspired the nation. on the poster is gary cooper in 'high noon', thats what they used. instead of a gun, hes holding a ballot paper. the best way these polish workers knew how to symbolize the struggle against communism was a single amarican armed with a ballot. remember that the next time someone tells you voting is a waste of time.'

+white trash style tips with tim gunn

- thandie newton

- barry sonnenfeld

= jim bianco

10-06-08

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody' craig ferguson shares, 'you know why? because OJ is back in jail!'

'the election is getting nuts, with all the mudslinging. its the last month before the elections and things are starting to get a little crazy. something always gets revealed around this time, its called 'october surprise' in the political world. you want an october surprise? were broke!'

+ white trash style tips with tim gunn

betty white talks to craig about how she writes speeches for john mccain.

- seth green

> smothers brothers

10-03-08

+ 'beverly hills chihuahua comes out today' craig ferguson warns, 'those chihuahuas are tiny little things, they are what michael vick would call appetizers. they were basically breed for one thing and one thing only: to be adorable! same thing with the jonas brothers, and it worked! chihuahuas are very popular with young actresses in hollywood, cause they are small, dont eat much, and are always yappy- its a match made in heaven!'

+ white trash style tips with tim gunn

tim meadows gives an election update

- margaret cho

= randy newman talks with craig and sings.

10-02-08

+ a difficult malady has been plaguing craig ferguson: election fever! it seems to have worsened- now its a full blown election infection!!!

+ white trash style tips with tim gunn

- lauren graham

# patrick pedraja, a kid craig met at the emmys who has his own charity to help those who need bone marrow transplants

= michael franti and spearhead

10-01-08

+ pirates took over a ship in somalia, craig ferguson tells us. the funny thing is that its filled with russian tanks! 'the pirates are holding them for ransom,' craig shares, 'first they asked for 45 million dollars, then 20 million, now 5. i think they have my agent negotiating for them, using the same technique he used to get me this job...'

'a lot of people think captain crunch is a pirate, but he's not. he is a legitimate navel officer who makes delicious breakfast cereal- take that frankenberry, you lazy pink bitch!'

+ 'white trash style tips' with tim gunn

craig has a strange dream about the vice presidential debate.

- jennifer love hewitt

- jim parsons. the funny nerd from 'big bang theory'

9-30-08

+ with all this financial stuff going on, craig ferguson is ready to weigh in on the situation and give us his advice: 'i'll tell you what got us here: greed. do i know what im talking about? no. im just a vulgar lounge entertainer, not an economist. but i am scottish, which should count for something, because capitalism was invented by a scottsman! aha! adam smith, a scottish philosopher came up with the concept of 'the invisible hand'. its when a price is set at a point where supply meets demand. the whole crisis is adam smiths 'invisible hand' bitch slapping wall street across the face for groping the 'invisible ass' of america!'

and pondering the desperation of the whole situation, craig asks 'wall street is affecting main street, but what about other streets? on sesame street there are people living in garbage cans!'

- tim daly

- anna friel

= alice cooper

white trash style tips

this is a new segment that they must have cooked up last time tim gunn was on the show. they start with a little tag for the segment, and then tim gunn proceeds to give helpful fashion advice to a model who is decked out in a terribly trashy outfit. his advice is on how to be properly trashy.
after the segment, craig always informs us 'listen to tim gunn, hes never wrong!'

9-29-08

+ with the vice presidential debates coming up craig ferguson has some advice for the candidates. because its a man vs. a woman, 'they have got to be careful how they come across, joe biden must be nice or he'll be seen as a jerk, palin has to be nice or she'll be seen as a nag. i know what they could do to make it even- have biden come out in drag!'

+ 'white trash style tips' with tim gunn

'rather late programme with prince charles' skit, paul the palace guard is leaving, so they have a video montage of all the great times they have had together.

- melina kanakeredes. she shares an interesting story of meeting the pope

- gina carano. a super hot mma fighter

= amy macdonald

access extratainment tonight

this is a recurring skit that mocks entertainment news shows like access hollywood and entertainment tonight. craig ferguson plays 'barney slash', a real loser who doesnt understand anything and is barely able to make sense of the telepropter that he has to read. by his side is his little sidekick 'john tesh'. together they try to report on the 'dirt' about celebrities. usually it involves a simple concept that they arent really able to understand and try to 'get to the bottom of'. an example would be: 'celebrity weddings: why are celebrities getting married?' and then jumping to wild and silly assumptions. the editing and pace are kept ridiculously fast, another jab at this type of show.
i enjoy this bit, and its usually at least mildly amusing.

9-26-08

+ it seems henry the monkey decided to stop in again to say hi.

+ the ridiculous david blaine stunt was on the night before, and craig talks about how stupid it was. it seems that the exciting finish to his hanging upside down bit didnt go very well because president bush interrupted the live telecast for a speech. 'interrupting david blaine was the first time in a while that the presidents approval rating went up!'

+ access extratainment tonight with barney slash and john tesh skit.

- drew carey

# tony parker

= lady antebellum

9-25-08

+ craig ferguson shares that he has gotten some flack today because yesterday he railed against mccain for skipping out on a letterman appearance that he had scheduled. some people complained that he is trying to further his own political leanings by singling out mccain and not obama. 'get this straight,' he informs us, 'i am not the democrats bitch. i am david lettermans bitch!'

+ thinly veiled sketch thats obviously just a ford commerical

- tim gunn

+ dear aquaman sketch

- elizabeth reaser

9-24-08

+ every once in a while craig ferguson sees a problem and gives a serious solution, or at least how he would want to solve it. tonight is one of those times. 'john mccain suspended his campaign today and says he might delay the debate due to the economic crisis. whats next, suspend the elections? you cant do that! some have done it in the past: castro, napolian, julius cesaer...'

craig goes on to talk about the bankers who are in trouble: 'shouldnt we bail them out? no. basically what this is is some rich brats crashed the ferarri and they want uncle sam to buy them a new one. no!!!'

- michael clarke duncan

- shirley manson

= jamie lidell

9-23-08

+ always looking to the headlines, craig ferguson shares 'clay aiken is on the cover of people magazine and says hes gay. what?!? who saw that coming? also, in the same magazine john mccain says hes old, and obama says hes black.'

the audience tonight is really very strange, and craig makes mention of it. at one point he makes a joke and they go 'oooh', he asks 'what?', and they clap. huh?

+ sean connery reads from his autobiography

- john krasinski. he shows off his ability to do muppet arms. very funny.

# dr. lisa masterson

9-22-08

+ 'i wanted to talk about the emmys that were on last night, but i cant say s**t on television' craig ferguson shares. he goes on to talk about how bad they were anyway, 'any one who watches this show will know that i know a thing or two about badly made television, but i am an amateur. last night i got to see how the pros make badly made television! i love show business, but thats the worst f***ing thing ive seen in a long time!!! and i know, i was there. i had to present an award at the end with the lovely brooke shields. im waiting and waiting, i go out with brooke and its very nice, and as i walk out on the stage, cause im hating all this show, i realize i hate me now, cause im a part of this! on behalf of show business, im sorry america...'

+ tim meadows with an economic report

- denis leary. he asks an important question: 'when you did that bit where you said your hand was on brooke shields ass, was it really?' craig raises his hand triumphantly and says 'yah baby!'

- marianne jean-baptiste

9-19-08

+ at the beginning and ending of the show craig ferguson used a stuffed monkey to warn us of the impending cheeky monkey invasion (their evil plan is laid out here).

+ the emmys are on this weekend, and craig tells us that he is going to be there. 'i will be there presenting an award with brooke sheilds. you know her new show 'lipstick jungle'? its about a bunch of older women with revitalized sex lives. its basically 'cougars go nuts'. man that sounds like a show on fox!' craig continues in an announcery voice ''tonight on fox 'cougars go nuts', followed by 'are you smarter than a meerkat?' ' which your not, they are natures little Einsteins...'

+ murder she wrote '08 skit, featuring samuel l. jackson.

- kristen bell

- josh radnor

cheeky monkey leader

'people of earth, heed me! if you watched this show last night you will know that i, henry, leader of the cheeky monkeys, from the planet monkeyvania (thats right? monkeyvania?), ok, i had announced that craig had been saying 'cheeky wee monkeys' in vain, which is ok, then he had stopped saying it, which infuriated me and a lot of ladies with cats. but now the cheeky monkeys have arrived, and we arrived in great numbers. im first, but theres more coming... soon our battle ships will be coming from the planet monkeyvania. we will take over your planet and you will bow down to our loveliness. we are so cute that you will be enslaved by our delightful frolics, so enjoy it while you can, people of earth!'

9-18-08

+ election fever still has its grip on craig ferguson. he talks about the two candidates and how each of them is trying to appeal to the 'average joe', when both of them attended very prestigous schools, and are both quite well off. both of them claim the other is elitist, when in reality, they both are. 'two elite men trying to run the the country. i think thats the way it should be,' says craig, 'im fine with that, im fine with elitists running the country. people say 'aw, i want someone running the country whos just like me!' -not me! im an unreliable drunk and a pathological lier! we cant vote someone like that into the white house... again.'

+ ford commercial disguised as a skit.

- jason segel talks and sings a beautiful love ballad called 'wonky eye'

= dr. dog

> steve hofstetter

9-17-08

+ the talk is still political as craig ferguson questions the poling process. 'according to the poles both candidates have 56%. what?!? is it just me, or... this is why i dont trust poles. i think some people think this is like american idol, you can vote as many times as you like- im talking to you, florida...'

+ de niro and pacino skit. hoo ha!

- alan alda

- illeana douglas