+ 'the new shrek movie opens today', craig ferguson announces, 'its made by the dream works studio, its called 'shrek forever after'. its the best shrek movie ever made, i didnt think it was possible, but these geniuses at dreamworks pulled it off. i should probably mention two other things, 1. dreamworks studios also made 'how to train your dragon' which i am also in, and B. i am a corporate whore. now, dreamworks are saying this is the final shrek movie (unless this one makes a lot of money...) well, they said that the last shrek movie was the final one. it doesnt matter, its like when musicians go on farewell concert tours, and then another one, and another one. and if people love them, why not? frank sinatra went on a farewell tour in the 70's, the 80's, and the 90's. no one is going to tell frank to stop touring. anway i am not talking about sinatra, i'm talking about shrek. i like the shrek movies cause they have got something for everyone. theyve got the pop culture references for the grown ups, and the fart jokes for the kids and the late night talk show hosts. children and talk show hosts, very different of course, one need constant attention, cries when he doesnt get his way. and the other is a child. anyway, the shrek movies have got a lot of great characters, and a lot of them are borrowed from the brothers grimm. the brothers grimm were from germany and they wrote about german folktales like hansel and gretel, rumpelstiltskin, little ludwig poopinsphinkter. some of these folk tales are more popular than others... little ludwig poopinsphinkter lived in a house that was not made of candy. it was more of a log cabin... ah, making myself laugh with poop jokes!'5-21-10
+ 'the new shrek movie opens today', craig ferguson announces, 'its made by the dream works studio, its called 'shrek forever after'. its the best shrek movie ever made, i didnt think it was possible, but these geniuses at dreamworks pulled it off. i should probably mention two other things, 1. dreamworks studios also made 'how to train your dragon' which i am also in, and B. i am a corporate whore. now, dreamworks are saying this is the final shrek movie (unless this one makes a lot of money...) well, they said that the last shrek movie was the final one. it doesnt matter, its like when musicians go on farewell concert tours, and then another one, and another one. and if people love them, why not? frank sinatra went on a farewell tour in the 70's, the 80's, and the 90's. no one is going to tell frank to stop touring. anway i am not talking about sinatra, i'm talking about shrek. i like the shrek movies cause they have got something for everyone. theyve got the pop culture references for the grown ups, and the fart jokes for the kids and the late night talk show hosts. children and talk show hosts, very different of course, one need constant attention, cries when he doesnt get his way. and the other is a child. anyway, the shrek movies have got a lot of great characters, and a lot of them are borrowed from the brothers grimm. the brothers grimm were from germany and they wrote about german folktales like hansel and gretel, rumpelstiltskin, little ludwig poopinsphinkter. some of these folk tales are more popular than others... little ludwig poopinsphinkter lived in a house that was not made of candy. it was more of a log cabin... ah, making myself laugh with poop jokes!'5-20-10
+ 'this being thursday, its a big day for tv', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the two hour season finale of 'greys anatomy' was on earlier tonight, and i watched because we are live. and i loved it when that doctor got up the nerve to kiss that other doctor, i've been waiting all season for that... ugh. the network executives think that if characters on a tv show have sex, the rating go up. maybe we should do that here. what do you say, geoff?' geoff replies 'thats not in my contract, craig'. 'the robot is going to sue me for sexual harassment now, isnt he? my favorite tv doctor is, of course, dr. phil. now, i admit he's not a real doctor, but so what? in fact, if i got sick, id rather see dr. suess. have you ever seen that show 'the doctors'? where they have real doctors on answering medical questions. and one of the doctors, the handsome one, wears his green surgical scrubs, and i'm like 'you are in a tv studio, you jackass!' no one is going to ask you to do surgery! you know, i do hate it though when people in the hospitals wear their scrubs outside of the hospital. if you go to any starbucks outside of the hospital and you see guys in scrubs, they arent doctors. they are orderlies trying to meet girls in the starbucks. real doctors dont do that, they would hate that! its like when i go outside of this studio and i see a guy in a crap suit i say 'hey, stop trying to be a talk show host!' and then these guys think 'why is liza mineli shouting at me?'.'+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition
5-19-10
+ 'yesterday was my favorite day of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'it was international museum day. please, try to contain your phony excitement. i cant believe i forgot about international museum day, that would be like woody allen forgetting 'take your daughter to work' day... anyway, international museum day is a real day, by the way. it started in 1977ish. its celebrated all over the world, hence the word 'international'. its an important part of our culture, so they need an international day. just like pancakes are an important part of our culture, they need an international house. pablo picaso once said 'give me a museum and i will fill it'. i say the same thing about speedoes. everybody loves a museum though, especially when ben stiller spends a night in one, its hilarious. public museums have not been around that long, the first ones opened in the 17th century during the age of enlightenment. i know what you are thinking, 'here we go again, another late night host banging on about the age of enlightenment, didnt carson daily do that last week?' actually, is he still on, carson daily? no, i'm not being mean, is he still on? yes? well good for him. until the age of enlightenment, museums werent meant for the public. the old artifacts and paintings were kept in private by private collectors. if you wanted to see dogs playing poker, you had to train them yourself!'+ don glover stops by to help craig with the tweets and emails
indian tweets
there is a new email and tweets jingle! this time is sung by geoff peterson. he is an indian I.T. guy who raps about being a customer assistance phone rep. kinda strange, but really catchy!
5-18-10
+ 'its a great day for me', shares craig ferguson, 'because it was my birthday yesterday!' the audience claps loudly, 'please, no loud noises, i'm getting on now, and loud noises scare me. i didnt talk about it yesterday, because i wasnt here because we showed a repeat so i could celebrate. and i celebrated the way i always do, i stayed home and called bob saget. well, cause bob saget and i share the same birthday. thats true! bob saget is my friend. i know you are thinking 'oh craig, you are making fun of bob saget!' well, i am, but he is my friend. and bob's older than me, he's 54. that means now the olson twins have to change his diapers. anyway, the best thing about getting older is nothing! no, its all right. you dont have to follow the fashion treads, now you can start wearing comfortable sneakers. then you ask yourself when you are wearing the sneakers 'why do my socks always have to be white?' then i found myself recently saying 'is there a way i can get sun glasses that dont let any light in on the side? maybe i can get a pair of those. its getting into the side and its annoying me, i want glasses that make me look like a robot. and then before you know it you are driving and using the speed limit as an eventual goal. and then when you are driving you turn on your blinker because, who knows, you might be turning at some point...'- jon favreau
= jakob dylan
5-17-10
+ 'good evening, i am tv's craig ferguson. a vulgar lounge entertainer who, at a moments notice, may use a puppet, a robot skeleton, or a fart joke in order to squeeze a cheap laugh out of some poorly paid hobo's in the studio audience. so, imagine my surprise when i thought i would indulge myself with inviting a guest on this show, about a year ago, who was not in any way vulgar or cheap: arch bishop desmond tutu. someone who has done some very important things in the world, not like me. and for that show we were given the prestigious peabody award. i was very delighted and surprised and honored to get the peabody award, and we thought, well i did. well, cbs did. well, someone did. we thought that maybe if you wanted we could show you desmond tutu's visit to the show again, something of an encore performance. but of course, this would be a 'repeat'. no, no, no. a repeat is something you show when it didnt win the peabody award. when you win the peabody award, its 'an encore performance'. i was humbled and delighted to be in the presence of such a great man who clearly had a sense of humor about himself, and a sense of humor about me, which you are going to need if you are on this show... take a look then, at what a real human at his best looks like.'5-14-10
+ 'oh, listen, theres a big movie opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm very excited about it, its called 'robin hood', it stars russell crowe. now, i like russell crowe, take that you bastards! i do like russell crowe, but some people are saying hes too heavy to play robin hood. i'm like 'what are you talking about?' all i'm saying is, for all the people who think russell crowe is too heavy, i say 'shut the hell up'. if you want to watch some skinny little twink being all sensitive with his abs, go and rent 'twilight'. or borrow my copy, i've got three. but its not easy making someone named robin hood sound tough, robin is a girls name, and a hood is something you wear on your head. its like having an action star named susan hat! you know the movie is going to be good, you know why? because the french hate it. the french critics say that the french characters are unfairly depicted. because the french in the movie are all two faced panzies more interested in eating cheese than fighting wars. no wait, wait. there is some unfair stuff too...'+ gardening tips with willie nelson
5-13-10
+ 'so listen, i went to go see a movie a couple weeks ago and the trailers were on', craig ferguson begins, 'and there was a trailer for the new tom cruise movie. now, i've been kind of tough on tom cruise here, i'm a late night host so i make fun of him for being short or having his crazy beliefs. its what you do if you have this job. i saw the trailer for this tom cruise movie and its awesome! so i've decided i'm making a complete 180. tom cruise is awesome and if you dont like tom cruise you can go and join al quida. thats right- tom cruise is an awesome movie star. now, i know what you are going to say, 'wait a minute craig, he's got crazy ideas!' thats right, he's a movie star! he's got crazy ideas and he stuck with them- he stuck with them! you dont see tom cruise going on dr. phil saying 'oh, i'm sorry, i'm going to go to rehab'. that's right! tom cruise doesnt care what you think. you know why? cause he's awesome!' craig then shows a preview of 'knight and day', 'so i see that and i think 'wait a minute, i've been making fun of that dude- what the hell is wrong with me?!?" so tonight i quit. i quit and i say to you this: tom cruise may be mad, he may be idiosyncratic, he may have beliefs that i may not necessarily have myself, but he can do kung fu on a plane! he can dive off a motorcycle and land on the windshield of a car and compliment cameron diaz on her dress! thats the type of movie star i want to see, everybody! so from now on, no more tom cruise jokes. oh, its going to be tough. in fact, i'm feeling it already. but i'm serious: he's awesome. i know you will be mad at me, but you will just have to deal with it. then we can have make up sex!'- robert downey jr. he and craig had an awesome awkward pause!
5-12-10
+ 'today, as i'm sure you are aware, everyone is very excited, its the first day of the cannes film festival', craig ferguson informs, 'i know. its the cannes film festival, everybody who matters in tv and in movies is in cannes right now. which explains why i am right here. this year at cannes they are playing some big hollywood movies, today they premiered the sequel to wall street called: wall street 2: the legend of curly's gold. no, wall street 2: money never sleeps is what its called. which is a stupid title. of course money never sleeps, thats like saying regis never pays- of course he never pays! (not a joke!). anyway, what i do love, though, i love how passionate the french are about cinema. at the cannes festival, if the french audience dont like the movie, they will boo it. 'le boo!' which is very unfrench to care about something enough to boo, i thought they would just say 'that was two hours of my life i will never get back. and yet, i do not care.' there are a bunch of judges at cannes film festival. and i'm thinking 'how do you judge movies?' its very subjective. how do you compare a movie like police academy to a real work of art like police academy 7. its just not the same! the big award given out at cannes is called the palm d'or. which sounds classy, but 'palm d'or translated to english means 'straight to dvd'. (not a joke)! the judges gave roman polanski the palm d'or in 2002. that was back in the day when he wanted to appear before judges, he's changed his mind now... in 2004 they gave the palm d'or to michael moore. he returned it when he found out it wasnt chocolate. this year woody allen is in cannes. partially to promote his new film, but i think mostly because roman polanski is in jail, so woody seizes the opportunity. a little too soon, maybe. a little soon ye... anyway, some directors are having a hard time getting to cannes this year because of that volcano in iceland. its that volcano, it refuses to quit no matter how many people it annoys. its like jay leno! what am i talking about? the cannes film festival. i'm bored talking about that shit, lets just go to a commercial. i said that out loud didnt i? inner dialog! inner dialog!'+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- bryan cranston
- angela kensey
5-11-10
+ 'the new prime minister of britain was finally sworn in', craig ferguson tells us, 'he is a conservative, his name is david cameron. he is now the most powerful british dude in the world, if you dont count madonna. he had to meet the queen today, thats what happens when you get a new prime minister of britain, you have to go and meet the queen so she can say 'good, off you go then. do your stuff'. you do! theres all sorts of rules, when you have to take off your hat, when you have to curtsey and everything, and bow to her... holiness? i dont know. under no circumstances must you ask her majesty to pull your finger. 'your majesty, wont you...?' dont! and dont do it the other way around! never pull the queens finger! if you find yourself the prime minister of britain and you are being presented to the queen, do not pull her finger! although, if the queen farted, it would be alright. it would be royal! it would be a better fart than your common fart!'paperback on purpose
craig ferguson's autobiography 'american on purpose: the improbable adventures of an unlikely patriot ' has recently come out on paperback! the book itself has been out for almost a year now, but the meaty goodness is still just as fresh! craig talks about growing up in scotland and the crazy journey he took to get him where he is today. its a really great read- and very funny! if you havent bought a copy of his book yet, well, then get going! you can find it on amazon here.
5-10-10
+ 'i'm in trouble today', craig ferguson admits, 'about a year ago, or more, or less, sometime in the past i had a book come out, its called 'american on purpose', it was my autobiography. i havent read it yet. its the story of my life and my fabulous adventures and my great showbissness pals. anyway, it did really well, it was the number one book in the history of books. people were writing to me and saying this book is more popular than.. oh well, there are other books more popular, obviously. its the most popular showbiz biography about an ex-drunk late night tv show host in america there has ever been! but here's the thing, the paperback of it comes out tomorrow, right? it comes out in hardback first so you can walk around the library looking smart. anyway, the paperback comes out tommorrow and the publishers are like 'craig, you havent done any shameless promotion of the book on your show. when the book came out originally you promoted it and promoted it, but now the paperback is coming out and you havent even mentioned it on the show!' well, i have now!'+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition
- russell crowe
= wilco
5-07-10
+ 'today the big movie opening is iron man 2, i'm very excited about it', shares craig ferguson, 'i'm very excited about it. for those of you who dont know who iron man is, iron man is a super hero who doesnt have any powers. he just has an invincible suit made of iron. i have a suit that makes me feel invincible: it is my birthday suit. it even has a helmet... iron man is actually tony stark. he is a dashing playboy, he's protected by a thick outer shell. kind of like george hamilton. you think about it really, and iron man is just a guy with a pacemaker and iron pants. now, far be it from me to poke holes in the otherwise air tight logic of comic books, but arent there quite simple ways to stop a guy in a suit made of iron? its like 'how can we ever defeat iron man?' 'well, we could use a magnet'. 'what do you mean?' 'well, we will get a magnet and put him on the fridge next to...' now, in iron man 2 scarlett johansson plays the russian spy, cause if you are looking for someone who can sneek around without drawing attention to themselves, you are definitely going to pick scarlett johansson. heres a spoiler alert: she is quite a beautiful person. the bad guy in iron man 2 is played by mickie roarke. who is a fantastic actor and looks quite scary. he is a villian named whiplash, who doesnt sound that scary to me. i dont know what a guy named whiplash would do. maybe he like drive people around and then hits the breaks really hard? 'oh, whiplash got me iron man!' whiplash can only be defeated by one thing: the personal injury lawyer!'+ steven wright stops by to help out with the emails and tweets.
- seth mcfarlane
> matt baetz
5-06-10
+ 'well, its election day in britain', craig ferguson states, 'since i left britain i dont really follow british politics, i am an american now, so i follow american politics. thats why i am a member of *whatever party you support*. i am excited about the british election, im as excited as you are. i'll bet you are as excited about this as mel gibson is about hanukkah. the people of great britain are very anxious about this election. the polls just closed a few hours ago, and it looks like they have a new prime minister, david cameron of the conservative party. the conservative party are like the republicans, except with bad teeth. the current prime minister is gordan brown, he is the labor party, which is kind of like the democrats, but with bad teeth. they are more bleeding gums than bleeding hearts. the wild card in this election is nick cleg, hes a liberal democrats, they are the new guys, sort of like the green party. but a lot of people like nick cleg because he's young, cute, and has all his teeth. british people have never seen anything like this before! 'blimey! whats that in his mouth! his mouth is a row of white shields- its like he's from the future!'- mark harmon
- sophia bush
= local natives
5-05-10
+ craig ferguson just got a new haircut and he loves it. 'look at me scratching my new haircut! you know the great thing about getting your hair cut nice and short is that when you go to scratch your hair, you fingers dont go deep into hair. hey, i've been trying to start this rumor about dr. phil. its not true, but lets just say it, right? from now on lets just everybody say this: he's not really bald. he's not really bald, he's not. and when he says 'i am' you just go 'no, dr. phil, we know you are not really bald, you just shave your head to impress oprah'. this guy aint buying it, hairy dr. phil. anyway, happy cinco de mayo, everybody. its a proud day for mexican americans. see, thats one of the great things about living in this country, with its diverse population, every ethnic group has its own holiday. youve got your cinco de mayo for mexican americans, italian americans get columbus day, polish americans have got polaski day. which is not to be confused with polanski day. polanski day is very different, it falls on the 13th, but then you drug it and act like its the 18th. so thats what you do there. i've got a feeling i just got into more trouble than with the cussing. i keep expecting to get into trouble, and i dont get into trouble here at cbs. and this only tells me one thing: they are not fucking watching the show. clearly! which gives me a strange sense of liberation! cause when ever i bump into a cbs executive they are like 'who are you?' i'm like 'im the guy after david letterman'. and they are like 'oh yeah, the show's doing great!', i'm like 'really? what bit do you like?' 'that bit where you talk to that actress', 'really, thats your favorite bit? what about the robot skeleton?' 'oh, you!'.'- scarlett johansson
5-04-10
+ 'its may the fourth today, so fans of the movie star wars have declared today star wars day', craig ferguson informs, 'now they do that because its may the fourth, so they can say 'may the fourth be with you'. its a real thing! its a day of observance based on a pun, its like spanksgiving. its a lame idea, but its caught on, star wars today is the number one most popular topic on the twitter, the whole internet is cockahoop with star wars today. anyway, its amazing that a movie from 1977 is still so popular today. when star wars came out everyone raved about the special effects, but thats not the reason its endured so long. its endured because of the characters. they have become iconic, darth vader, obi wan kanobi, that big hairy thing- harrison ford. and the force itself was kind of a character, its an all powerful presence that dominates the entire galaxy. now a days we call it oprah. the movie has been so influential that i'm surprised that the fashion never really caught on. you never really see anyone wearing their hair like lea with the buns on the side. one positive influence these movies had, they had technology. the star wars depicts a world where human and robot interaction is normal, unlike this show. right, geoff?' 'let it go craig' says geoff peterson. anyway, i remember when luke skywalker and ben kanobi go into that bar, and back in 1977 people made a big fuss over that bar scene, cause of all the weird creatures and i never understood why. i was used to bars in scotland. no, i was 15 so i had been going for years. at the star wars bar everyone is drinking and fighting. i'm thinking whats the big deal? no one was vomiting or snorting lines off the tables or having sex against the jukebox. the bars in scotland made the bar in star wars look like chuck e cheese!'- andy garcia
- donald glover
5-03-10
+ 'over the weekend there were huge marches to protest arizona's new immigration law', craig ferguson shares, 'things got out of control here in l.a., up on hollywood blvd people were frisked and given body cavity searches. things got worse when the police showed up! if you dont know about this, arizona's new law says that the police have to ask anyone for immigration papers if 'reasonable suspicion' can be found that they are in the country illegally. 'reasonable suspicion'. what is 'reasonable suspicion'? one arizona law maker said, and i'm not kiddng, illegal immigrants are easy to spot because of their clothes. really? i know it was obvious with me when i got off the place because i was wearing speedoes, of course. i came in from europe wearing my speedoes and my waxed moustache. so as i got off the plane wearing my speedoes a cop had 'reasonable suspicion' i was from somewhere else. he said 'papers', and i thought it was a game so i said 'scissors'. and i got arrested. best damn night of my life. call me, officer delicious!'+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- morgan freeman
- kate mara
4-30-10
+ 'the big movie opening today is 'a nightmare on elm street'.' craig ferguson shares, 'the old nightmare on elm street is considered a classic. it was a big slasher movie. to be honest i'm not much of a fan of slasher movies, i like horror movies, but not so much slashers. theres a difference. see, horror movies are about suspense. they make me scream like a little girl, pee my pants, jump up into the arms of the gentleman sitting next to me. the slasher movies are just blood flowing and things squirting and body parts flying. its like a party at elton johns house. nightmare on elm street will make a ton of money cause elm street is the most common street name in america and when the first movie came out people were actually scared to live on streets called elm street. 'aw, honey, i'm so glad we didnt buy that house on elm street, i feel much safer here on stabby lane'. anyway, the bad guy in the nightmare movies isn't stabby lane, its freddy kruger. he kills people in their dreams, which is never really that scary to me because i know that isnt possible. its impossible to be killed in your dreams, but it is possible to have your dreams killed. it happens to me here every night...'+ style tips with tim gunn- 80's edition
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
+ email time with lauren graham
- peter sagal
4-29-10
+ 'it actually is a great day because it is one of my favorite days of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'if you know anything about me, you will know that this is a day i wait for all year. this is international dance day! this is a real day, its sponsored by the united nations because this is one of the two things that unite the international community. dancing- international dancing, and the international house of pancakes! in the last couple of years there has been a resurgence of the dance movie. i have an idea for a dance movie, its called 'hobo feet'. no, i came up with this idea cause i was in bed lying next to my wife. we sleep in the same bed, we've only been married a couple years so we still sleep in the same bed. she moved and her toe nail scratched my leg, and i was like 'ugh, youve got hobo feet!' and then i thought 'thats a great idea for a dance movie: hobo feet!' a dancer, right, he's a young dancer and he gets drafted into the vietnam war and he comes back and he's seen too much, he cant dance anymore. and he becomes a hobo, and he has feet! he has hobo feet and he lives in a dumpster and he says stuff that they say in a dance movie like 'i didnt give up on my dreams, my dreams gave up on me'. everyone else is like 'what the hell?' and then some young hot dancers are dancing in a parking lot and one of them goes 'wait a minute- your hobo feet!' and he's like 'nah, i aint hobo feet no more. i used to be, but i gave up on my dreams'. and then they all, you know, dance. the ending needs some work, but i think that would be awesome!'- tom selleck
< lance burton (introduced by neil patrick harris!)
4-23-10
+ during the monologue they show a picture of craig ferguson for a comedy bit they prepared. after they show it craig says 'i like that photograph of me though, i should have that on a t-shirt. people sometimes come up to me, this is true, and they've got a photograph of me that they have very nicely put on a t-shirt, and they give it to me. i'm like 'you want me to wear a t-shirt with a picture of me on it?' couldn't i just walk up to people and say 'hello, i'm a douche'. i mean i appreciate the effort and everything, but why the fuck would i wear a t-shirt with me on it?'+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- drew carey
= jason aldean
4-22-10
+ 'its earth day today', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the movie avatar comes out on dvd today. fantastic! now, dvd's usually come out on tuesdays, but james cameron wanted it to be released on earth day because nothing says save the planet like millions of plastic dvd cases everywhere... anyway, its earth day- congratulations earth, we made it through another one. this is the 40th earth day, which is bad news for you if you are earth. it all goes downhill for you in your 40's. trust me- once you get into your 40's your equater expands, your south pole starts to melt... soon you look as bad as uranus!'+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- jeffery dean morgan
- busy philipps
craig's loose tie
an email comes in that asks 'craig, whats up with your tie lately, why have you decided to leave it loosely tied?' craig ferguson replies 'in case i have to leave here quickly. no, you know what? i figured that the tie could represent, you know, through sartorial form, the shody nature of how the rest of cbs feels about this fucking show. thats why i wear it like this. its a protest, mister! its protest. it says 'when you give me the equipment i will tie my tie! and until you do, my neck will be available for viewing! oh, we are out of time? funny how your clock still works...'
4-21-10
+ 'its very sad news if you are a fan of the star trek films', shares craig ferguson, 'and who isnt? i love the star trek. i call it 'the' star trek. you know why? because... um... i can? anyway, its a very sad day if you love the star trek because leonard nemoy, who plays spock, announced today that he is retiring from acting. but there is even worse news: william shatner isnt! actually, i dont know if that's true. i think william shatner retired from acting right about when he was on the twilight zone!'+ they cant get the audio equipment to work, so there is no music or jingles!
- brooke shields
- george wallace
= corinne bailey rae
4-20-10
+ 'thats right, its 420 everybody!' craig ferguson reminds us, 'its a big holiday for the people who smoke marijuana, because the rest of the time they work very hard! here in l.a. there was a huge stoner parade. thousands of marijuana enthusiasts, they marched down sunset boulivard, they took a left at ben and jerry's and they never came out. its not all good news for the pot smokers though, a new phone survey shows that the majority of americans are not in favor of legalizing pot. but you cant trust the phone results, i dont think, most stoners are too paranoid to use the phone.'+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- emily mortimer
= miranda lambert
> randy kagan
gardening tips with willie nelson
willie nelson gives some gardening tips to the audience. a new bit that features willie and craig giving some good advice to make your garden grow. advice like this: 'a compost pit is a great way to provide your garden with nutrition. you fill it with food scraps, grass clippings, and manure, and you let it sit there a while. you know its ready when it starts to smell like craig ferguson', willie nelson states.craig walks in 'hey hey, i heard that!'
willie sniffs, 'yup, thats it, thats the good stuff!'
4-19-10
+ 'it is a great day for me personally', craig ferguson shares, ''why' i hear you ask, cause i get my newspaper this morning. you know the newspaper? its a big papery thing. before computers were invented, everyone was crazy about them. i look in the news paper today and i see that i am in the number one and the number two movie in america! kick-ass is the number 1 movie in america and i do a little cameo in that, and how to train your dragon is number two movie in america, and i do a little voicing in that. now the last time the newspaper said i was involved in a number one and a number two it was an ugly incident in a german bondage club...'+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- brendan fraser
- amanda righetti
> brian scott mcfadden
4-16-10
+ 'its a big day for us at this show', craig ferguson shares, 'willie nelson is here tonight, everybody! willie nelson is an artist, an activist, he's a true outlaw. he's been called an outlaw for decades. not just for his attitude, but for his music you see. back in the 1970's country music on the radio was lifeless, bland and corporate. not like now... but then some guys came along: willie nelson, waylon jennings, and some others in the spirit of original hank williams. but basically, an outlaw is someone who doesnt conform, a rebel. and there arent many in music these days, but i can think of three: nick, kevin, and joe. the jonas brothers, yes. why not? they wear purity rings, they dont conform to the rock star lifestyle. what i'm saying is they dont conform to the rock star lifestyle, so why cant they be considered outlaws? its very simple, because their music is crap. its not fair that i make fun of the jonas brothers, thats not fair. i'm sure its very stressful being on top of the disney music chain, there's always somebody younger and more adorable ready to take your place. someone with bigger eyes and a cuter face, someone who's even more adorable than you! it will happen to you too, justin bieber!'= willie nelson talks and sings
- ellie kemper
style tips with tim gunn 80's edition
tim gunn critiques someone's clothing, this time its models dressed like the 80's. 'for me, the fashion plague of the 80's was the preppy look. oceans of bland pleat fronted khakis. silly little golf shirts with alligators chomping their way toward your nipples. they put the bored in boarding school. this country club hate crime wouldnt be complete without a sweater draped around the shoulders, kind of like a gay cape. thats a joke of course, because the term 'gay cape' is redundant.'
4-15-10
+ 'its kind of a strange day', craig ferguson shares, 'did you hear about the people in the midwest, they are all cockahoop about this strange light in the sky. last night thousands of people saw a fire ball streak across the sky for about 15 minutes. this fascinates me, not because i think its a ufo, i'm just fascinated by lights in general because we dont have any in the studio...'+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition
- kristie alley
= sade
4-14-10
+ 'its a big day: its national pecan day!' shares craig ferguson, 'its fitting that april the 14th is national pecan day, cause today we recognize nuts. and tomorrow we pay our taxes to support them! ah ha ha! that was an actual joke! take that critics who say late night is afraid to get political. well, we've peaked now, thats it, we've had a joke. anyway, scientists say that eating pecans everyday may reduce your cholesterol. just in case they are right, i wrap all my pecans in a strip of bacon. dont want the balance to be thrown off... anyway, if national pecan day hasnt taken off, i think its because they dont have a mascot. like peanuts, they've got mr. peanut. so i think pecans should have a mascot- sean pecan-erry!- andie macdowell
# dario franchitti
= dawes
4-13-10
+ 'its a great day if you like catching crabs, and who doesnt?' asks craig ferguson, 'cause tonight is the season 6 premier of 'deadliest catch', thats an awesome show, i love that show. its a reality show about crab fisherman in the gulf of alaska in the frigid waters between north america and asia. i love that show because its a manly job, these guys are men out there, they are men doing manly stuff. its not some douche bag yacking in the middle of the night in a rented suit. these are men doing a real job with some risks. although, this job has risks too. i have gotten more than one paper cut reading those emails, and i almost fell into rachel welsh's cleavage the other night- it was worth it! but i would like to take people from other reality shows and put them on the deadliest catch. imagine the girly men from 'the hills' going fishing in alaska. 'get that disgusting creature away from me! oh, thats heidi...'+ craig's spanish word of the day: sucio- dirty!
- james marsden
- charlyne yi
4-12-10
+ 'although its a great day for america, its a sad day for pigs', comments craig ferguson, 'pigs are lovely, very intelligent animals, but unfortunately for them, they are delicious. and today kfc restaurants have announced something called the 'double down'. yeah, its a gamble all right! its two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. well, why not. we're all getting free health insurance- why not?! its awesome, its basically a three way between two chickens and a pig! i think theres a website for that actually, porkysdream.com. i cant believe i'm saying this, bacon is now a trendy food stuff. its not just fast food, if you go to any high end restaurant in hollywood, which i dont, but if you do they have bacon all over the menu. you open the menu, bacon falls out in your lap. if you want to tip your waiter, you just stuff bacon in his pants. 'there you go, toots, get yourself something nice'. its true- bacon is the new cocaine!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: tocino- bacon!
- tim gunn
- kathy kinney
4-09-10
+ 'the new fashion trend sweeping the fashion world is gray hair!' craig ferguson shockingly states, 'i was like wha? no way! there was a headline in the new york times. that means its true. actually the only people who read the new york times have gray hair... its true, all over new york and paris the models are dying their hair gray. we even have a picture of kate moss with gray hair. it might be dyed gray, she might have just fallen asleep in her cocaine. wait wait wait. you dont fall asleep in cocaine. you dont fall asleep until the cocaine is done. and then, its a little bit after the cocaine is done. and i'm not making that up, i speak from experience. i did not sleep in 1991.+ craig's spanish word of the day: arbol- tree!
+ craig has an ipad, and he has one of the employees from apple to talk about it: betty white!
- kunal nayyar
= slash!
4-08-10
+ 'president obama signed an historic treaty with the russian president today', craig informs us, 'not everyone is happy about this, fox news said it was a summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of russia. the two presidents signed the treaty in prague, in the chech republic. i've never been there, but i've heard it was amazing. small, but very organized. everyone has amazing clothes and handbags and jewelry... i might be confusing the chech republic with banana republic. but the chech women are very beautiful, but they have to put up with tourists being creepy to them. 'oh, chech her out!' 'chech mate', 'chech her out!', 'i better chech my underpants!' well, i dont think anyone says that last one... cept me.'+ craig's spanish word of the day: flores- flowers!
hobo audience
recently craig ferguson has taken to calling his audience hobos. why? i'm not entirely sure, he seems to think that only hobos would be willing to sit in the audience and watch his show! as someone who has been in the audience before, it is certainly not the case! (well, i dont consider myself a hobo anyway...) since they are hobos, craig has been making them the promise of free chicken if they behave themselves.'the audience tonight is really hyped up at the promise of some free chicken!' craig ferguson shares, 'oprah gives out cars, we give out the possibility of free chicken! now, wait, you must know this: i have never yet gave out the free chicken because no audience has ever deserved it. but tonight things may change. or maybe, i'll be sending a chicken around to your place. and when i say 'sending a chicken around to your place' i think you know what i mean... hey baby, can i send a chicken around to your place? yup, still creepy!'
4-07-10
+ 'scientists have recently discovered a new species of lizard', craig ferguson shares, 'its six foot tall and lives in the philippines. i'm surprised they havent given it a name yet. they will name it after the dude that discovered them. thats probably something like steve the lizard or something. thats why guys become scientists, so they can discover stuff and name it after themselves. they dont become scientists to meet girls. you dont say 'hey baby, wanna come back to my place and see my six foot lizard. actually... that might work! now, the biggest lizard of all is, of course, the dinosaur. dinosaur is greek for 'terrible lizard'. what are you laughing at hobos? that true! 'when do we get our chicken?' ill tell you when you get your chicken! now, my son is just at the age now, he's almost 9 years old, he loves dinosaurs. every young boy loves dinosaurs, i did. now he's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are, and i dont know. so i just make stuff up. 'that son, is a thesaurus. that dinosaur can tell you any word and another word that means the same as that one...'+ craig's spanish word of the day: salchichas- sausages!
4-06-10
+ craig has a sit down chat with geoff peterson before the show: craig walks in 'hey geoff, are you ok? i got your call, and your voice sounded funny on the phone''i feel very bad' says geoff.
'whats wrong? have you had enough today?' craig asks.
'i sucked on the show last night' geoff states.
'no, no, you were great. alright, it was a bit rough. but it was your first night.' craig comforts, 'i remember a certain scottish entertainer who started off with a rocky start but it all worked out in the end.'
geoff says 'i love susan boyle'.
'not susan boyle, me! i was terrible on this show when i first got it, but after a while i got comfortable at it and started to enjoy myself.' geoff says 'but you still suck, i want to be good.' 'geoff, geoff, tv isnt about being good, its about being confident. look at all the greats: dr. phil- not good, but confident. geraldo- crap, but with a confident moustache. ryan seacrest- dumber than a can of paint, but you wouldnt know and why? because he's confident. you want to be a tv star, geoff? you have to forget any ideas about quality or intelligence, you just look down that camera, geoff, and you own how bad you really are. and be proud!' shares craig
'are you sure?' asks geoff.
'of course i'm sure- i may suck, but i suck with pride!' responds craig.
'like one of those dyson vacuum cleaners' says geoff.
'exactly, you go out there tonight buddy, and you show everyone you've got the proper amount of suction!'
+ criag's spanish word fo the day: esqueleto- skeleton!
geoff peterson: robot skeleton sidekick!
it finally happened! after years of craig ferguson complaining about not having a band or a sidekick, he finally got one! for the past few months craig has been on twitter and has been calling his twitter followers his 'robot skeleton army'. at one point he was just talking during the show (which you can read about here) and he had a really great idea- what if he had a robot skeleton sidekick! he contacted grant imahara, the robot builder from mythbusters, and they struck a deal. if grant got a certain number of twitter followers, he would build craig a robot skeleton sidekick. well, wouldnt you know it, craig delivered! and for the past month or so grant has been busy at it building this guy! this past week we had our first introduction to him on the show and it will never be the same again. whether thats good or bad is up for discussion...
4-05-10
+ 'its a great day here at this show, because tonight we unveil the first robot skeleton sidekick ever on television', craig ferguson shares, 'i've never had a companion on this show. well, i might have had a companion, i just never knew because of the crappy lighting. there could have been companions lurking all the time! i'll get the robot skeleton sidekick tonight, and all i need now is the robot band! imagine a band that never breaks up, always plays the same song for hundreds of years, it would be like the rolling stones! anyway, before we start and before i introduce you to the robot sidekick properly, cbs legal department insists i make the following disclaimer: in the event that geoff peterson goes berserk and attacks the hobo audience tonight, you should form a single line and make your way to the emergency exit behind you. dont worry, there is only an 80% chance this will happen...'+ after a little video showing how geoff peterson got from grant's workshop to craig's show, craig and geoff chatted for a little bit. after some dicey back and forth, craig lets the audience know 'hey, i'm committed to this...'clapping twitter
a new email jingle, this one is kind of a german techno thing with lots of clapping! pretty cool!
4-02-10
+ 'its a big weekend for the apple computers', craig ferguson states, 'the ipad comes out this weekend, although its thunder was stolen a couple days ago when ricky martin did the same thing. anyway, the ipad comes out on saturday, and then on sunday the improved ipad comes out, the one that you will actually want to buy. you are welcome anyone who bought the first mac product of anything. the reviewers are saying that the ipad is going to change the way we use our computers. so apparently you wont be using them for porn anymore...'+ craig's spanish word of the day: malvado- evil!
= joss stone talks and sings
4-01-10
+ 'it is, of course, april fools day today,' craig ferguson reminds us, 'happy april fools day, everybody. this is the day when people with absolutely no sense of humor take upon themselves to be hilarious. i hate april fools day, i do, i cant stand it. people believe they can be forgiven anything if you say 'april fools!'. you cant. you cant take your pants off at starbucks and then when the cops arrive yell 'april fools!' you cant. you will be arrested. and i know that because i learned it today... the way i feel about april fools day is the same way i felt about new years eve when i was drinking. i never drank on new years eve because everybody else was drinking on new years eve. i was like 'awe, its amature night out there, they dont know what they are doing!'. no one really knows how april fools day started, there is literature going back hundreds of years that associates april the first with trickery. chauser wrote in the Canterbury tales back in 1392, he wrote that april the first is the day the rooster, chante claire, was tricked by the fox. aw, you are enjoying this, arent you hobos! 'ah, finally something about the Canterbury tales!'. chante claire is described by chauncer as, and i quote, 'a vain cock'. you cant touch me, censors, its literature!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: brillante- shiny!
- robin williams very funny!
* philosopher jonathan dancy (claire danes' father-in-law)
peabody award winner!
this news announced by wavey the crocadillio. 'hey, whatado everybody? hey, guess what? this show has just won the peabody award for excellence! now, i know a lot of you are thinking 'whats a peabody award, wavey? is that some sort of puppet based award for a tv show? no sir, no sir! the peabody award is the most prestigious award that is available to a television broadcaster. it makes the emmy look like an emmy. 'are you saying the emmy is a crap award?' yes sir. he he he. how bad? well, not as bad as a fucking golden globe, but bad! anyway, the peabody is an awesome award, its usually given to good shows! and this year is was given to this show. which makes me think that the people at peabody have lowered their standards. i mean, come on. look at this place. well, i do know that this is the second time craig ferguson has gotten the peabody award. the first time being at sleep away camp when he was 10, but i do believe that was for a completely different endeavour. however, i just want to say on behalf of everyone here at this show, we are delighted and honored to be considered a... show. and let me just say, that if we ever get any other awards like an emmy or golden globe, we will no longer say they are shit. whatado everybody!'craig won for his interview with archbishop desmond tutu (you can read his introduction of tutu here). read more about the award winners here!
3-31-10
+ 'its a great day here in california, and thats because its cesar chavez day today,' craig ferguson announces, 'today we celebrate the life of the civil rights leader who had a very big effect on this state. california is the most productive agricultural state in the country. when people think of california they think gay hippies in san francisco, complete duech bags in LA, and they are right. but also, in the bits between san fransicso and LA we have some of the best carrots and tomatoes, the best marijuana crop... now i have your attention, hobos! in the 1970s cesar chavez famously supported the boycott of california grapes. back then if you wanted grapes in california you had to smuggle them in from other states. i've smuggled grapes before, back when i wore speedos... 'is he smuggling grapes?' 'no, he's just european'. anyway, cesar chaves spent most of his life in california's central valley. now, the central valley in california is less then 1 percent of america's farmland, but it produces eight percent of our agricultural output. it is the best farmland in the country. it is the peabody award of farming, if you know what i mean, and i think you do if you are smart enough to know what i mean..'+ craig's spanish word of the day: primavera- spring!
charles!
prince charles now has a daytime talk showeveryone knows that prince charles is a successful late night talk show host in britan and heir to the thrown. but you probably dont know that he has moved to america. but there is no room for him in late night television, so he is trying a daytime talk show: charles!this is the same jokes as the late night prince charles, but now there is a dj!
3-30-10
+ 'its not such a good day for the republican party', craig ferguson shares, 'there are two documents showing the GOP spent two grand at a lesbian theme bondage club right here in LA. i'm not making this up! i didnt even know there was one in LA- i've been here 15 years, where the hell is this place? the GOP clearly stands for gettin' it on party. listen, contrary to what you might think, i actually admire the old school ways, you know, 'lets raise some money, get drunk and watch hot chicks spank each other!' heres what happened: during a fundraising trip to california, some young republicans took the party credit card. they have their own credit card?!? 'is this your credit card?' 'no, its my dads..' they took the credit card to a club in west hollywood called 'voyeur', i've never heard of this place, but it has topless waitresses and live dancers putting on bondage shows. usually when republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains and bondage gear and stuff its in dick chaney's basement! you know the democrats have been very quick to react to all of this, president obama is calling it shocking, and vice president biden said it was disgusting, and bill clinton is saying 'finally, a place i can take hillary...'.'+ craig's spanish word of the day: peludo- hairy!
+ prince charles' daytime talk show
steve jones' diary
in 1975 steve jones formed the sex pistols, today he keeps a diary:'dear diary, i'm so scared. i've been noticing hair growing in the strangest of places. this can only mean one thing: i'm finally becoming a woman. or im turning into chewbacca. i hope not! i guess we will find out. good night diary.'
3-29-10
+ 'its a great day for me personally', craig ferguson admits, 'i'm in the number one movie in america! how to train your dragon. you cant see me in it, but my voice is in it. how to train your dragon is number one in the box office, and alice in wonderland is number two. so, i'm on top of jonny depp. i guess dreams do come true! the nice thing about being a voice in a cartoon is that if its crap i can deny that it was me. 'nay, it wasnt me, it was nathan lane...' how to train your dragon made a lot of money this weekend. of course, that doesnt mean it good. actually, thats not true. in this case it does mean its good. i take back everything i ever said about box office not equalling quality. take that, me. it made one bazzilion dollars. after going over my contract and looking to see how much i get, i get zilch, nada, and bupkis. thats the name of the law firm zilch, nada, and bupkis, that made my deal for the movie. thanks a lot lawyers... i play a viking in this movie. the older vikings in this movie have scottish accents. and some people are saying 'thats ridiculous! vikings dont have scottish accents!' i say to them 'how do you know? have you ever meet a viking? then shut the hell up!' it might not be historically accurate, but if you believed everything you saw in cartoons you would think that vikings had scottish accents, that acme products were dangerous, and you could run on air as long as you dont look down!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: pelicula- movie!
+ steve jones diary
3-24-10
+ 'the big news today is that one of the earth's islands has vanished!' craig ferguson shares, 'i'm not kidding about this. its not one of those david copperfield pranks, its not one of those 'so long, catalina!' things. rising sea levels in the indian ocean have caused an entire island layer to vanish! its like that hole in the o zone layer. remember that? i stopped using hair spray for weeks! yesterday ben and jerry's was giving away free ice cream, today an island disappears. i'm thinking is a roller coaster week for al gore 'so happy- so alarmed! so happy!' you want to clap, but you've been shamed into not clapping. you shouldnt be afraid of the clap... the island that disappeared is called new moore island. i guess its called no more island now. its a controversial island, its been causing trouble between india and bangladesh. they almost came to war over this island. now, the last thing anybody wants is a war between india and their neighbors because india has nuclear weapons and its got all the tech support guys who know how to use it!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: isla- island!
how to train your dragon
dreamworks animation recently released its latest movie 'how to train your dragon' and one of the actors voicing a character is none other than our very own craig ferguson! he voices the character gobber, one of the older vikings who loves to hunt dragons. he recently gave an interview for the film. check it out here. oh, and dont forget to go and see 'how to train your dragon'!
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