4-13-10

+ 'its a great day if you like catching crabs, and who doesnt?' asks craig ferguson, 'cause tonight is the season 6 premier of 'deadliest catch', thats an awesome show, i love that show. its a reality show about crab fisherman in the gulf of alaska in the frigid waters between north america and asia. i love that show because its a manly job, these guys are men out there, they are men doing manly stuff. its not some douche bag yacking in the middle of the night in a rented suit. these are men doing a real job with some risks. although, this job has risks too. i have gotten more than one paper cut reading those emails, and i almost fell into rachel welsh's cleavage the other night- it was worth it! but i would like to take people from other reality shows and put them on the deadliest catch. imagine the girly men from 'the hills' going fishing in alaska. 'get that disgusting creature away from me! oh, thats heidi...'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: sucio- dirty!
- james marsden
- charlyne yi

4-12-10

+ 'although its a great day for america, its a sad day for pigs', comments craig ferguson, 'pigs are lovely, very intelligent animals, but unfortunately for them, they are delicious. and today kfc restaurants have announced something called the 'double down'. yeah, its a gamble all right! its two slabs of fried chicken with bacon in the middle. well, why not. we're all getting free health insurance- why not?! its awesome, its basically a three way between two chickens and a pig! i think theres a website for that actually, porkysdream.com. i cant believe i'm saying this, bacon is now a trendy food stuff. its not just fast food, if you go to any high end restaurant in hollywood, which i dont, but if you do they have bacon all over the menu. you open the menu, bacon falls out in your lap. if you want to tip your waiter, you just stuff bacon in his pants. 'there you go, toots, get yourself something nice'. its true- bacon is the new cocaine!'
+ craig's spanish word of the day: tocino- bacon!
- tim gunn
- kathy kinney

4-09-10

+ 'the new fashion trend sweeping the fashion world is gray hair!' craig ferguson shockingly states, 'i was like wha? no way! there was a headline in the new york times. that means its true. actually the only people who read the new york times have gray hair... its true, all over new york and paris the models are dying their hair gray. we even have a picture of kate moss with gray hair. it might be dyed gray, she might have just fallen asleep in her cocaine. wait wait wait. you dont fall asleep in cocaine. you dont fall asleep until the cocaine is done. and then, its a little bit after the cocaine is done. and i'm not making that up, i speak from experience. i did not sleep in 1991.
+ craig's spanish word of the day: arbol- tree!
+ craig has an ipad, and he has one of the employees from apple to talk about it: betty white!
- kunal nayyar
= slash!

4-08-10

+ 'president obama signed an historic treaty with the russian president today', craig informs us, 'not everyone is happy about this, fox news said it was a summit between a powerful communist leader and the president of russia. the two presidents signed the treaty in prague, in the chech republic. i've never been there, but i've heard it was amazing. small, but very organized. everyone has amazing clothes and handbags and jewelry... i might be confusing the chech republic with banana republic. but the chech women are very beautiful, but they have to put up with tourists being creepy to them. 'oh, chech her out!' 'chech mate', 'chech her out!', 'i better chech my underpants!' well, i dont think anyone says that last one... cept me.'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: flores- flowers!

- jennifer love hewett

* stuart neville

hobo audience

recently craig ferguson has taken to calling his audience hobos. why? i'm not entirely sure, he seems to think that only hobos would be willing to sit in the audience and watch his show! as someone who has been in the audience before, it is certainly not the case! (well, i dont consider myself a hobo anyway...) since they are hobos, craig has been making them the promise of free chicken if they behave themselves.
'the audience tonight is really hyped up at the promise of some free chicken!' craig ferguson shares, 'oprah gives out cars, we give out the possibility of free chicken! now, wait, you must know this: i have never yet gave out the free chicken because no audience has ever deserved it. but tonight things may change. or maybe, i'll be sending a chicken around to your place. and when i say 'sending a chicken around to your place' i think you know what i mean... hey baby, can i send a chicken around to your place? yup, still creepy!'

4-07-10

+ 'scientists have recently discovered a new species of lizard', craig ferguson shares, 'its six foot tall and lives in the philippines. i'm surprised they havent given it a name yet. they will name it after the dude that discovered them. thats probably something like steve the lizard or something. thats why guys become scientists, so they can discover stuff and name it after themselves. they dont become scientists to meet girls. you dont say 'hey baby, wanna come back to my place and see my six foot lizard. actually... that might work! now, the biggest lizard of all is, of course, the dinosaur. dinosaur is greek for 'terrible lizard'. what are you laughing at hobos? that true! 'when do we get our chicken?' ill tell you when you get your chicken! now, my son is just at the age now, he's almost 9 years old, he loves dinosaurs. every young boy loves dinosaurs, i did. now he's always showing me pictures of dinosaurs and asking me what their names are, and i dont know. so i just make stuff up. 'that son, is a thesaurus. that dinosaur can tell you any word and another word that means the same as that one...'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: salchichas- sausages!

- raquel welch

- anna torv

4-06-10

+ craig has a sit down chat with geoff peterson before the show: craig walks in 'hey geoff, are you ok? i got your call, and your voice sounded funny on the phone'

'i feel very bad' says geoff.

'whats wrong? have you had enough today?' craig asks.

'i sucked on the show last night' geoff states.

'no, no, you were great. alright, it was a bit rough. but it was your first night.' craig comforts, 'i remember a certain scottish entertainer who started off with a rocky start but it all worked out in the end.'

geoff says 'i love susan boyle'.

'not susan boyle, me! i was terrible on this show when i first got it, but after a while i got comfortable at it and started to enjoy myself.' geoff says 'but you still suck, i want to be good.' 'geoff, geoff, tv isnt about being good, its about being confident. look at all the greats: dr. phil- not good, but confident. geraldo- crap, but with a confident moustache. ryan seacrest- dumber than a can of paint, but you wouldnt know and why? because he's confident. you want to be a tv star, geoff? you have to forget any ideas about quality or intelligence, you just look down that camera, geoff, and you own how bad you really are. and be proud!' shares craig

'are you sure?' asks geoff.

'of course i'm sure- i may suck, but i suck with pride!' responds craig.

'like one of those dyson vacuum cleaners' says geoff.

'exactly, you go out there tonight buddy, and you show everyone you've got the proper amount of suction!'

+ criag's spanish word fo the day: esqueleto- skeleton!

- mindy kaling

- dom irrera

geoff peterson: robot skeleton sidekick!

it finally happened! after years of craig ferguson complaining about not having a band or a sidekick, he finally got one! for the past few months craig has been on twitter and has been calling his twitter followers his 'robot skeleton army'. at one point he was just talking during the show (which you can read about here) and he had a really great idea- what if he had a robot skeleton sidekick! he contacted grant imahara, the robot builder from mythbusters, and they struck a deal. if grant got a certain number of twitter followers, he would build craig a robot skeleton sidekick. well, wouldnt you know it, craig delivered! and for the past month or so grant has been busy at it building this guy! this past week we had our first introduction to him on the show and it will never be the same again. whether thats good or bad is up for discussion...

4-05-10

+ 'its a great day here at this show, because tonight we unveil the first robot skeleton sidekick ever on television', craig ferguson shares, 'i've never had a companion on this show. well, i might have had a companion, i just never knew because of the crappy lighting. there could have been companions lurking all the time! i'll get the robot skeleton sidekick tonight, and all i need now is the robot band! imagine a band that never breaks up, always plays the same song for hundreds of years, it would be like the rolling stones! anyway, before we start and before i introduce you to the robot sidekick properly, cbs legal department insists i make the following disclaimer: in the event that geoff peterson goes berserk and attacks the hobo audience tonight, you should form a single line and make your way to the emergency exit behind you. dont worry, there is only an 80% chance this will happen...'+ after a little video showing how geoff peterson got from grant's workshop to craig's show, craig and geoff chatted for a little bit. after some dicey back and forth, craig lets the audience know 'hey, i'm committed to this...'

- grant imahara

- kristen bell

clapping twitter

a new email jingle, this one is kind of a german techno thing with lots of clapping! pretty cool!

4-02-10

+ 'its a big weekend for the apple computers', craig ferguson states, 'the ipad comes out this weekend, although its thunder was stolen a couple days ago when ricky martin did the same thing. anyway, the ipad comes out on saturday, and then on sunday the improved ipad comes out, the one that you will actually want to buy. you are welcome anyone who bought the first mac product of anything. the reviewers are saying that the ipad is going to change the way we use our computers. so apparently you wont be using them for porn anymore...'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: malvado- evil!

- john corbett

= joss stone talks and sings

4-01-10

+ 'it is, of course, april fools day today,' craig ferguson reminds us, 'happy april fools day, everybody. this is the day when people with absolutely no sense of humor take upon themselves to be hilarious. i hate april fools day, i do, i cant stand it. people believe they can be forgiven anything if you say 'april fools!'. you cant. you cant take your pants off at starbucks and then when the cops arrive yell 'april fools!' you cant. you will be arrested. and i know that because i learned it today... the way i feel about april fools day is the same way i felt about new years eve when i was drinking. i never drank on new years eve because everybody else was drinking on new years eve. i was like 'awe, its amature night out there, they dont know what they are doing!'. no one really knows how april fools day started, there is literature going back hundreds of years that associates april the first with trickery. chauser wrote in the Canterbury tales back in 1392, he wrote that april the first is the day the rooster, chante claire, was tricked by the fox. aw, you are enjoying this, arent you hobos! 'ah, finally something about the Canterbury tales!'. chante claire is described by chauncer as, and i quote, 'a vain cock'. you cant touch me, censors, its literature!'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: brillante- shiny!

- robin williams very funny!

* philosopher jonathan dancy (claire danes' father-in-law)

peabody award winner!

this news announced by wavey the crocadillio. 'hey, whatado everybody? hey, guess what? this show has just won the peabody award for excellence! now, i know a lot of you are thinking 'whats a peabody award, wavey? is that some sort of puppet based award for a tv show? no sir, no sir! the peabody award is the most prestigious award that is available to a television broadcaster. it makes the emmy look like an emmy. 'are you saying the emmy is a crap award?' yes sir. he he he. how bad? well, not as bad as a fucking golden globe, but bad! anyway, the peabody is an awesome award, its usually given to good shows! and this year is was given to this show. which makes me think that the people at peabody have lowered their standards. i mean, come on. look at this place. well, i do know that this is the second time craig ferguson has gotten the peabody award. the first time being at sleep away camp when he was 10, but i do believe that was for a completely different endeavour. however, i just want to say on behalf of everyone here at this show, we are delighted and honored to be considered a... show. and let me just say, that if we ever get any other awards like an emmy or golden globe, we will no longer say they are shit. whatado everybody!'

craig won for his interview with archbishop desmond tutu (you can read his introduction of tutu here). read more about the award winners here!

3-31-10

+ 'its a great day here in california, and thats because its cesar chavez day today,' craig ferguson announces, 'today we celebrate the life of the civil rights leader who had a very big effect on this state. california is the most productive agricultural state in the country. when people think of california they think gay hippies in san francisco, complete duech bags in LA, and they are right. but also, in the bits between san fransicso and LA we have some of the best carrots and tomatoes, the best marijuana crop... now i have your attention, hobos! in the 1970s cesar chavez famously supported the boycott of california grapes. back then if you wanted grapes in california you had to smuggle them in from other states. i've smuggled grapes before, back when i wore speedos... 'is he smuggling grapes?' 'no, he's just european'. anyway, cesar chaves spent most of his life in california's central valley. now, the central valley in california is less then 1 percent of america's farmland, but it produces eight percent of our agricultural output. it is the best farmland in the country. it is the peabody award of farming, if you know what i mean, and i think you do if you are smart enough to know what i mean..'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: primavera- spring!

- wanda sykes

charles!

prince charles now has a daytime talk showeveryone knows that prince charles is a successful late night talk show host in britan and heir to the thrown. but you probably dont know that he has moved to america. but there is no room for him in late night television, so he is trying a daytime talk show: charles!
this is the same jokes as the late night prince charles, but now there is a dj!

3-30-10

+ 'its not such a good day for the republican party', craig ferguson shares, 'there are two documents showing the GOP spent two grand at a lesbian theme bondage club right here in LA. i'm not making this up! i didnt even know there was one in LA- i've been here 15 years, where the hell is this place? the GOP clearly stands for gettin' it on party. listen, contrary to what you might think, i actually admire the old school ways, you know, 'lets raise some money, get drunk and watch hot chicks spank each other!' heres what happened: during a fundraising trip to california, some young republicans took the party credit card. they have their own credit card?!? 'is this your credit card?' 'no, its my dads..' they took the credit card to a club in west hollywood called 'voyeur', i've never heard of this place, but it has topless waitresses and live dancers putting on bondage shows. usually when republicans find themselves in dark rooms with whips and chains and bondage gear and stuff its in dick chaney's basement! you know the democrats have been very quick to react to all of this, president obama is calling it shocking, and vice president biden said it was disgusting, and bill clinton is saying 'finally, a place i can take hillary...'.'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: peludo- hairy!

+ prince charles' daytime talk show

- ben mckinzie

= v.v. brown

steve jones' diary

in 1975 steve jones formed the sex pistols, today he keeps a diary:
'dear diary, i'm so scared. i've been noticing hair growing in the strangest of places. this can only mean one thing: i'm finally becoming a woman. or im turning into chewbacca. i hope not! i guess we will find out. good night diary.'

3-29-10

+ 'its a great day for me personally', craig ferguson admits, 'i'm in the number one movie in america! how to train your dragon. you cant see me in it, but my voice is in it. how to train your dragon is number one in the box office, and alice in wonderland is number two. so, i'm on top of jonny depp. i guess dreams do come true! the nice thing about being a voice in a cartoon is that if its crap i can deny that it was me. 'nay, it wasnt me, it was nathan lane...' how to train your dragon made a lot of money this weekend. of course, that doesnt mean it good. actually, thats not true. in this case it does mean its good. i take back everything i ever said about box office not equalling quality. take that, me. it made one bazzilion dollars. after going over my contract and looking to see how much i get, i get zilch, nada, and bupkis. thats the name of the law firm zilch, nada, and bupkis, that made my deal for the movie. thanks a lot lawyers... i play a viking in this movie. the older vikings in this movie have scottish accents. and some people are saying 'thats ridiculous! vikings dont have scottish accents!' i say to them 'how do you know? have you ever meet a viking? then shut the hell up!' it might not be historically accurate, but if you believed everything you saw in cartoons you would think that vikings had scottish accents, that acme products were dangerous, and you could run on air as long as you dont look down!'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: pelicula- movie!

+ steve jones diary

- joel mchale

3-24-10

+ 'the big news today is that one of the earth's islands has vanished!' craig ferguson shares, 'i'm not kidding about this. its not one of those david copperfield pranks, its not one of those 'so long, catalina!' things. rising sea levels in the indian ocean have caused an entire island layer to vanish! its like that hole in the o zone layer. remember that? i stopped using hair spray for weeks! yesterday ben and jerry's was giving away free ice cream, today an island disappears. i'm thinking is a roller coaster week for al gore 'so happy- so alarmed! so happy!' you want to clap, but you've been shamed into not clapping. you shouldnt be afraid of the clap... the island that disappeared is called new moore island. i guess its called no more island now. its a controversial island, its been causing trouble between india and bangladesh. they almost came to war over this island. now, the last thing anybody wants is a war between india and their neighbors because india has nuclear weapons and its got all the tech support guys who know how to use it!'

+ craig's spanish word of the day: isla- island!

- jonah hill

- emily procter