+ 'hi everybody. wait a minute, where's the audience?' asks craig ferguson, 'there is none. the audience machine isnt working. i'm going to do something tonight thats a bit different, i'm going to do a show without and audience. i'll tell you why: i was watching the late night thing unfold, conan and jay, and now conan is gone and jay is back. there was a lot of attention on late night. and i'm no different than anybody else and was kind of interested in it. maybe a little more interested because i kind of work in that area. i dont think this is a late night talk show, i mean, it started as that, but i think its turned into something else. its kind of our nightly train wreck that we have here. i became fascinated with late night again when i watched this terrible thing unfolding. the way i see it is that late night television in the way that i understand it and appreciate it was created in the 50's, really. you had steve allen and jack parr, and then johnny carson made this monster, this huge thing that became the late night television brand. and then that brand was lovingly and cleverly deconstructed by david letterman. everyone else in late night, me included, is unimportant. what i started to become interested in was this show that i actually do at night, cause i thought 'well, this show has some history that goes back beyond me'. theres craig kilborn, my predecessor on this show, he had a very specific style, not mine, but it was his and he owned it. and then before that was a gentleman by the name of tom snyder, who was a very interesting broadcaster. a cranky man by all accounts, i never really spent any time with him, but cranky difficult and brilliant. he would do this show every night and he would just talk to people. so i thought i would like to try that tonight. and then i thought, well, there's nothing new to this, this experiment i'm doing here, isnt an experiment in television, larry king does it every night. charlie rose does it, joy bayhar does it. now, if you watch this show, you watch it because you found it. no one told you it was on. there are no bus ads for craigy. there's no billboards, theres no promotion. you found this show because you found it. and if you stayed with it for any length of time, its because you are interested. i am. i kind of deny this quite a lot, but i do feel a certain connection, a certain kinship with the audience because of that. and so i want you to indulge me tonight. i'm going to talk to one man. now, its not just any man, the man i'm going to talk to tonight is really protection for me, its stephen fry, he will be the guest on the show. hes a brilliant man, a very clever man. to be honest, i knew him in london in the 1980's and i was kind of intimidated by him. he's very clever and very successful. and i thought, if i cant do the show tonight, he will be able to handle it fine on his own. so, in the words of my predecessor, the late and much lamented, tom snyder: sit back, fire up the colortini's, and watch the pictures as they fly through the air!'
2-23-10
+ 'hi everybody. wait a minute, where's the audience?' asks craig ferguson, 'there is none. the audience machine isnt working. i'm going to do something tonight thats a bit different, i'm going to do a show without and audience. i'll tell you why: i was watching the late night thing unfold, conan and jay, and now conan is gone and jay is back. there was a lot of attention on late night. and i'm no different than anybody else and was kind of interested in it. maybe a little more interested because i kind of work in that area. i dont think this is a late night talk show, i mean, it started as that, but i think its turned into something else. its kind of our nightly train wreck that we have here. i became fascinated with late night again when i watched this terrible thing unfolding. the way i see it is that late night television in the way that i understand it and appreciate it was created in the 50's, really. you had steve allen and jack parr, and then johnny carson made this monster, this huge thing that became the late night television brand. and then that brand was lovingly and cleverly deconstructed by david letterman. everyone else in late night, me included, is unimportant. what i started to become interested in was this show that i actually do at night, cause i thought 'well, this show has some history that goes back beyond me'. theres craig kilborn, my predecessor on this show, he had a very specific style, not mine, but it was his and he owned it. and then before that was a gentleman by the name of tom snyder, who was a very interesting broadcaster. a cranky man by all accounts, i never really spent any time with him, but cranky difficult and brilliant. he would do this show every night and he would just talk to people. so i thought i would like to try that tonight. and then i thought, well, there's nothing new to this, this experiment i'm doing here, isnt an experiment in television, larry king does it every night. charlie rose does it, joy bayhar does it. now, if you watch this show, you watch it because you found it. no one told you it was on. there are no bus ads for craigy. there's no billboards, theres no promotion. you found this show because you found it. and if you stayed with it for any length of time, its because you are interested. i am. i kind of deny this quite a lot, but i do feel a certain connection, a certain kinship with the audience because of that. and so i want you to indulge me tonight. i'm going to talk to one man. now, its not just any man, the man i'm going to talk to tonight is really protection for me, its stephen fry, he will be the guest on the show. hes a brilliant man, a very clever man. to be honest, i knew him in london in the 1980's and i was kind of intimidated by him. he's very clever and very successful. and i thought, if i cant do the show tonight, he will be able to handle it fine on his own. so, in the words of my predecessor, the late and much lamented, tom snyder: sit back, fire up the colortini's, and watch the pictures as they fly through the air!'
2-22-10
+ 'you know why its a good day today?', craig ferguson asks, 'because today the new credit card regulations start today. which is good news if you are in credit card debt, like me. i do, i racked up like 50 grand on bedazzelers. starting today the credit card companies have to scale back their evil ways, they cant increase their rates when ever they want, which is great news because americans owe 874 billion to credit card companies. to be fair, most of that is mel gibson's bar tab... some people say you should pay your credit card off at the end of the month. these are the same 'people' who tell you to look both ways before you cross the street, who tell you 'dont eat glass', they say 'why dont you bath everyday?' shut up people with good ideas!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: boda- wedding!
- parker posey2-19-10
+ 'the big story today is that this is the birthday of the 14th century astronomer copernicus!', informs craig ferguson, 'the media goes nuts once a year for the birthday of copernicus, born on this day in 1473 blah blah blah, they are always talking about it. i'm sure you are sick of hearing about it now. tmz is sending reporters back to the 15th century to follow copernicus as he gets out of a restaurant and walking over to his horse or something... apparently copernicus did date a lot of people back then, he was the tiger woods of his day. he was gorgeous! he was so good looking i want to give him a coperna-kiss! alright alright. in five years of lame humor, never have we seen a joke as lame as this, but i liked it, so there. copernicus, of course, is famous for his comprehensive heliocentric cosmology. thats a fancy way of saying that the earth revolved around the sun and not the other way around. i hate it when people use fancy language to dress up something simple like that. like when someone says 'mens longform figure skating' and what they really mean is 'gay pride parade'. just say what it is!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: aspiradora- vacuum cleaner!
robot skeleton sidekick?
'i was thinking about this', craig ferguson shares, 'because helena bonham carter was on the show last night and the skeleton was here. then she said 'do you have a side kick?' and i said 'well not really' and i put it next to her and i thought: we will make a sidekick! we will make one! we can build our own sidekick! a robot skeleton sidekick! what do you think?!? maybe we can call in experts to make a robot skeleton sidekick and it can say things like 'craig, your the man!', 'thats cold, buddy'. he can say that! this could be a new dawn in late night television that doesnt have any money! i think its a good idea and i told it to the producers today and they said 'no chance', which means it was a good idea! so, stay tuned loyal robot skeleton people who enjoy robot skeletons on tv, cause i'm going to work on this. obviously we've got a ways to go. maybe we will construct a temporary robot skeleton sidekick until we get a full blown one. you know, like when you burst a tire on your car and youve got a little one to get you as far as the shop where they can put a tire on? well, that will be our robot skeleton until we get... you are seeing this show being made as it happens!'hmmm, will anything come of this? we will have to wait and see!
2-18-10
+ wavey the crocadilio races onto the screne 'sorry if i'm moving too quickly for ya! i'm practicing my snowboarding! yeah! i was watching the snowboarding on the lympics. some people call them the o-lympics. but thats because i think they originated in ireland. people in ireland put the letter 'O' in front of everything, like 'do you want to watch the o'lympics?' no thanks, i'll just watch the lympics! well it was awesome! i was watching the competitors and there is a genuine feeling of camaraderie. i was watching lindsey vonn and she was watching the other girls who were falling over and she was genuinely concerned, like the beautiful snow angel she is! like, if i was in a skiing competition and the others were falling over, i would be like 'yeah, fucker!' thats right, i said it! uh oh! uh oh! the crocadilio cussed! thats right, you know why? because this crocadilio is a bad crocadilio. a bad crocadilio tends to use naughty words. i'm sorry if i upset your delicate sensibilities. but if your sensibilities are so delicate, what are you doing up at this time of night? maybe you should be getting some sleep so you can wake up in the morning so you can oppress other people with your sanctimonious whining!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: nieve- snow!
+ morgan freeman's guide to the winter olympics
2-17-10
+ 'there's big news from the world of movies', craig ferguson shares, 'legendary movie producer roger corman is making a movie for the syfy channel. but not just any movie, i've very excited about this, its a movie about a half shark, half octopus- shartopus! thats what its called! take that avatar! roger corman, if you dont know, he's the king of the low budget film making. he's famous for cheap sets, second hand costumes, bad lighting... did he produce this show by any chance? he didnt just produce movies, he directed some too, movies like 'creature from the haunted sea', 'attack of the crab monsters'. actually, they are going to remake 'attack of the crab monsters', the whole movie will take place in the dark underworld of bret michael's pants. i love roger corman because he is not shy about making knock off versions of popular movies. after the terminator came out he made a movie called 'termination man'. thats awesome! then after star wars he made 'battle beyond the stars'. anyway, he always copies the movies, roger corman, he always picks up and copies them. after spider man he made 'spider fella', after titanic he made 'big sinky boat'...'+ craig's spanish word of the day: pulpo- octopus!
- helena bonham carter man, she is one crazy woman- i like her!
2-16-10
+ 'tuesday is marti gras, or as its called fat tuesday', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm thinking about fat tuesday because over the weekend there was a fat related incident. what happened is kevin smith got thrown off an airplane for being... well... not thin. too unsvelt. he is the antithesis of twig like. kevin smith got thrown off a plane for being fat. to be fair, he is... well, lets just say that fat tuesday for kevin smith is just tuesday. no, he's a good friend of the show, kevin, but he would be the first to admit he is fat. anyway, over the weekend kevin was on a southwest airlines flight, he was already buckled into his seat, and someone from the airline, southwest, they asked him to get out of his seat because of his size. i know! i dont like this, is what i'm saying. charging fat people extra because they take up more space is ridiculous, they dont give thin people a discount, do they? they dont give the cast of desperate housewives a discount because they all fit into one seat. if the airline is going to discriminate people, they should discriminate against chatty people, or farty people, or the kid that sits behind you and bangs on the back of your seat. anyway, what i think was a remarkable display of restraint, kevin did not get mad, he just got even. he just mentioned it on the twitter and it caused a huge bruhaha. and i say good for him, i'm with kevin smith on this one!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: sombra- shadow!+ bob saget stops by the help craig answer the emails and tweets
= your lips, your lips (sorry, i couldnt find a link to this band. dont worry though, cause they really suck and you wont want to link to them...)
2-15-10
+ 'i'm going to say something controversial here', craig ferguson warns, 'i have mixed feeling about the winter olympics. no, i like watching sports, but some of the events during the winter olympics, theres a little too much posing. the athletes are like runway models posing. i think they cant decide if they are going to spend their time practicing or picking out there outfits. i have a hard time taking an athlete seriously if they are dressed like lady gaga! i must be honest, i'm a little bit skeptical about some of these events because the judging seems a bit arbitrary. it feels like the judges are just picking random scores. sometimes i watch the judges and the results and i'm like 'come on, are you high?!?' and we know you cant judge anything if you are high, unless you are paula abdul.'+ craig's spanish word of the day: lentejuelas- sequins!
2-12-10
+ 'the winter olympics is not the only crypto fascist event this weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'because on sunday its valentines day. and just in case men need a reminder of this, there is a movie opening called 'valentines day'. everywhere i look valentines day! valentines day! i leave the house to go to work- valentines day! valentines day! there is another movie opening today though that i'm very excited about. its a scary movie, its called 'wolfman'. so you can guess which movie i'm going to see- valentines day! you know, this is a classic example of the studios using their evil powers to destroy relationships. ladies, of course, any that i know (one in particular), want to see valentines day. but i want to see wolfman. there hasnt been this conflict since 'must love dogs' opened the same day as 'the michael vick story'. and most men i know would rather see wolfman. but if they really want to see a movie about a big creature with giant teeth, you can see valentines day because julia roberts is in it...'+ criag's spanish word of the day: hombre lobo- warewolf!
2-11-10
+ 'as you probably know', criag ferguson says, 'i have a twitter account. and you can follow me at craigyferg. and if you join and follow me on twitter you become part of my robot skeleton army. you can dress like this if you want! its not compulsary.' craig points to kunal nayyar, who plays raj on 'the big bang theory', who is dressed up like a robot, complete with blinking lights and everything! 'when you follow me on twitter you dont have to dress up like that. once all my followers join me on twitter we will all live in a hollowed out volcano and dress like that! you know what happened today? i have been starting to have an argument with grant imuhara from mythbusters because he has a robot cat army. the robot cat army and the robot skeleton army are trying to reach a peace agreement, but its not looking good!'+ criag's spanish word of the day: sobreviviente- survivor!
tweet mail
after all the talk from craig ferguson about how he would never join twitter, he has certainly come around! not only does he reference it often, giving his twitter account name all over the place (if you want to follow him, check the link to the right!), but now he has also incorporated it into his nightly reading of the emails!a while back craig had a bunch of email jingles (which you can learn more about here) that played right before he would read them. he seemed to grow tired of them and retired the jingles for a while, but now hes back at it, this time he has a twitter jingle! he always refers to his twitter followers as his robot skeleton army who live with him in a hollowed out volcano, so the jingle itself is very robotic sounding and features an animated robot army descending from a volcano! its outrageously catchy!
2-10-10
+ 'its not such a great day for another country, greece', craig ferguson shares, 'greece are in trouble. not the musical, i'm talking about the country. the musical is doing great, but the country of greece in southeastern europe is in a huge economical crisis. theyve got a general strike going on. that means no trains, no busses, huge slabs of lamb kabob are spinning, theyve got no one to cut them. to be honest, i saw this comming. they dont take care of anything, the always throw their plates, smashing them, half their buildings are in ruins. they do, they smash their plates at greek weddings, the yell 'oprah!', i have no idea what oprah has to do with greek wedding. you know, if you are in a bit of financial trouble greece, you can give oprah a call... its sad that greece is in trouble, theyve given the world so many great things over the years: democracy, thats from greece, philosophy, that came from greece. with out greece there would be no olympics. of course, the olympics were a bit different from the modern olympics. ancient greek olympics were all male, the competed in the nude, and they were covered in olive oil. go on, laugh at history why dont you. they were nude and covered in olive oil. thats how they invented the pole vault, i'm sure. they were covered in olive oil, it was meant to be the 100 yard dash, and everyone got excited, and...'+ craig's spanish word of the day: coro- chorus!
- gabourey sibide
= ok go
> jeff stilson
2-09-10
+ 'if you are tuning in tonight to hear about latest airline news', craig ferguson informs us, 'then tonight is your lucky night. american airlines was in the news today. they used to have a big business connection with cbs, american airlines. but they dont any more. tough luck for you, american airlines! they announced today that they are going to be charging the customers eight bucks for a blanket. eight bucks for a blanket! that didnt happen when you used to be with cbs! i dont know if thats true... anyway, if you dont want to pay, i've got an idea, you just have to be creative. apparently the airlines are not yet charging for napkins. so what you do, is you bring a sewing kit onto the plane and ask for 500 napkins! or, if you are sitting next to the giant overweight guy who is always on the plane sitting next to me, you just pull some of his gut over the top of you. 'can i use your belly button as a cup holder? thanks'.'+ craig's spanish word of the day: manta- blanket!
- carrie fisher
- donald glover
craig is now on twitter!
guess what? craig ferguson, the man who always mocked twitter as something only for young people, has now changed his mind and has made his own twitter account! in fact, he seems to be obsessed- he has been tweeting a dozen times a day!craig announced it on the show recently, and said 'guess what i did today? i joined the tweety! i know i've always said 'i will never join twitter, i have no interest in joining twitter'. but you must remember that i often lie. tweet me and you can become my follower! and when i have enough followers, i will rule them all in my hollowed out volcano where we will train beside my robot skeleton army!'
be sure to follow him- his posts are really hilarious! check it out here!
2-08-10
+ 'the super bowl yesterday was the most watched program in the history of tv!', craig ferguson exclaims, 'more people watched it than the finaly of m*a*s*h, than who shot j.r.?, than the slap chop infomercial. 106 million people! that more than one in three americans watched it! what?!? a lot of people watched that game yesterday, which is not good news if you are a member of the indianapolis colts, it hurts to have millions of americans watch you embarass yourself on television. i know. well, not millions... you know the saints have that slogan 'who dat?'. no, thats their slogan: who dat? i know it doesnt sound good in my accent... it means as in 'who dat going to beat dem saints?'. anyway, today the saints fans are just saying 'who dat?' cause they are so drunk they cant see the person in front of them. they have gotten the super bowl fever this week, and next week is marti gras- so for the next month new orleans will be on a wild uncontrollable bender! they are going drinking, going crazy, right now on bourbin street the party is already under way. you know you live in a party town when they have streets named after alcohol. in the french quarter it goes bourbin street, jello shots avenue, and then vomit lane. and if you make it to beer goggles blvd, youve gone too far!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: brisa- breeze!
- pierce brosnan
= patty griffin
2-05-10
+ 'it's super bowl weekend this weekend', craig ferguson reminds us, 'l.a. doesnt have a football team. apparently the only reason we dont have one is because we dont have a proper stadium. mayor anthony viarosa says we cant afford to renovate the facade of the historic l.a. colosseum. which is a terrible attitude. in l.a., we've got some renovations going on here that we can help with- just look at cher! now, since l.a. doesnt have a team, i've sort of become a fan of the san diago chargers. which is good and bad cause if you follow the chargers during the regular season its all right, but come the playoffs- you are heart broken. every january we cope with the sudden demise of the team. its that disappointment. its kind of like being vin diesel around oscar time, you kind of know its coming, but still... now, cbs is expecting about a bazillian people to watch the super bowl on sunday. its the most watched event on tv, the super bowl. its nice to see that during this harsh partisan time, when americans dont see eye to eye on anything, we can all agree to sit down and watching two groups of huge men kicking the shit out of each other. get it done!'+ craig's spanish word of the day: resaca- hangover!
+ tim meadows reports from miami about the super bowl
- claire danes
- jill scott
2-04-10
+ 'its a great day here at cbs', craig shares, 'because today is the first day of sweeps. yes, sweeps. for those of you who dont make your living as a tv network whore, sweeps are a month long ratings measurement period, its when the tv shows pull out all the stops to attract more viewers, and this show is no different! and we have a graphic tonight!' a graphic appears at the bottom of the screen that says 'first day of sweeps!'. 'yes, there it is! now, you can tell it must actually be sweeps because the graphic actually appeared! yes, of course it sucks, but the rest of the year the suckage only makes it on to the screen 50 percent of the time, but now everybodys ready. i dont understand why they are called sweeps, it makes me think of a broom. we could use a broom around here. actually, we need more than a broom to solve the problems on this show! we need a wrecking ball to solve the problems on this show!'+ inside the world of acting with sir cornwell barnes. he interviews dwayne 'the rock' johnson about the tooth fairy.
+ craig's spanish word of the day: tiburon- shark!
craig's other mug
ever since craig ferguson got that rattlesnake mug from mary mccormack, he's been getting some more fun gifts! this mug, made by ms. kunis herself, was given to craig when mila kunis came on the show as a guest. mila painted it herself just for craig! craig played it off like he really loved it, but it was obvious that he wasnt too keen on it at all! the best part if the mug is that mila even painted butt cheeks on the back of it!
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