+ 'a lot of people go home to see the family at thanksgiving', craig ferguson tells, 'heres a tip. if you want to save the air fare, this is what i do: you have to pick a fight with the family right before thanksgiving, then you don't have to make the trip. which reminds me, i'd like to say hi to my fat uncle gordan and my stupid aunt moira. cant wait to see you guys at thanksgiving, you jerks!'
+ 'do i look tired to you?' craig ferguson asks, 'i tell ya, i feel tired. i had such a long weekend, the weekend was so long, even though yesterday was monday and today's tuesday, cause i think i've seen the twilight movie like fifty times! nope. still havent seen it. cant do it. cant do it. trying to connect with popular culture, but just cant give a rats ass about it. trying to. now, i know that a lot of you are like 'well craig, it doesnt matter, this is america, you dont have to be into twilight.' i know you dont have to, but i have to, its my job. you know, i have to go 'hey, our next guest is from the twilight movie, hey!' ugh. and then on the tv they have 'the vampire diaries'. now, what kind of fucking vampire keeps a diary?!? 'dear diary, does dracula like me, or like me?' what happened? i know i've been complaining about this too long now, i've been complaining about the trendiness of vampires. you know it started with harry potter. i'll tell you why. hang on, i'll tell you why. soon.' craig tries to think on his feet, 'its because he's english. and thats a safe bet for me. and i'm scottish. so, if in doubt about who to blame, blame the english. thats what i always do. oh, look at the time, i've been talked way too long. well, i better stop and get to the commericals. commercials. you know who i blame for the commercials? harry potter.'
+ 'have you seen how much money that 'new moon' movie made?' craig ferguson asks, 'oh my lord! it made so much money, they havent finished counting it yet, its got to be nearly a gazzillion dollars. mostly from me, i've seen it 20 times! i'm just kidding, i'm not going to go see it. i'm not going to go see it! i'm not going to see a movie called 'new moon' that doesnt have a bare ass in it, what's the point?' new moon is, of course, the second in the twilight series. twilight fever is everywhere. in books, magazine covers, posters all over the place, everywhere i look i see thin pale skinned men with fangs and hair gel. then i leave my house and it gets worse. the first twilight is about sensitive vampires who talk about their feelings. what could be better than that? 'i feel vulnerable', but in this one its got sensitive werewolves who talk about their feelings as well. have you seen the new werewolf in the movie? thats not wolfy, thats more like a gay bear.'
+ 'its a great day, but also a sad day', criag ferguson laments, 'oprah winfrey announced that she's quiting the show in 2011. now you know why the mayans ended their calender in 2012, thats it! oprah's announcement today was very emotional, lots of tears, handkerchiefs, weeping. i tried to control myself, but i couldnt! once oprah leaves, the most powerful woman on tv is of course ryan seacrest, so everything will change! oprah has been doing her show for 24 years. 24 years! i cant imagine doing this show 24 years, i cant even imagine getting past the next commerical break! also, did you hear? even more bad news, did you hear about dr. phil's show? unfortunately he is going to keep going.'
+ craig ferguson gets an email from nina in manalus, new york. it says 'hi craig, my boyfriend just got a tatoo on his lower back, where it is referred to as a 'tramp stamp' for girls. is this normal for a guy?' 'i dont know. it depends what the tattoo is of, but even then, im not sure. i've got three tattoos, and i'm going to get more, i've decided that three tattoos isn't enough, i need at least 28. i've not got any tattoos where i cant see them because, and this is no disrespect to tattoo artists all across america, or across the world, but i don't trust you. so it has to be in a part of the body i can see', craig then looks over his shoulder, 'i can, but i have to go in a different direction. thanks coundalini yoga. i dont wish to blow my own trumpet, but i could if i wanted too...'
+ 'it's mickey mouse's birthday today', criag ferguson shares, 'so the mighty disney corporation declared today as 'micky mouse day'. mickey mouse is 81 years old today, 81. he's now officially the oldest rodent in show business, unless you count that thing on donald trump's head. now, mickey mouse isn't the only disney character who's growing old, all of them are. all the seven dwarfs now are grumpy, all of them. pinochio needs a blue pill now to get his nose up!'
+ 'president obama's 9 day trip to asia is in full swing,' craig ferguson reports, 'he's visiting south korea, japan, china. the presidential trips like this require a lot of planning, the state department briefs the president, the air force clears the air space, the secret service leaves out dog food for joe biden. right now president obama is meeting with top chinese officials, and the american/chinese relationship has changed in the past couple years. we used to be the world's only super power, we would be standing head and shoulders above the other nations. we were like alec baldwin towering over all the other baldwins. oh steven and all the other baldwins, like corky, jermaine... thats actually quite accurate, isnt it, huh?'
+ 'unlike most americans, i didnt go see 2012 this weekend', craig admits, 'it made a lot of money this weekend- the mayans warned us. a lot of people right now are wishing the mayans had warned them about the movie. oh, i shouldnt say that, there are some people who love watching the human suffering- those people are called divorce lawyers! usually the big disaster movies come out in the summer. i think with global warming it means that we are going to have to see movies like this all year round. and the movie is so successful, they are already, probably, i guess (i'm making it up). no its true- they are working on a sequel. when the world ends again! it will be called 2013: the legend of curly's gold! you're welcome people who enjoy topical movie references!'
+ 'its a big weekend for the movies, its the end of the world! hurrah!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'the movie 2012 comes out today. and like a lot of movies, it teaches us a valuable life lesson: and the life lesson is that we are all going to die. goodnight everybody. the movie 2012 is based on the mayan belief that the world will end in 2012. now keep in mind that the mayans believed the oceans would run dry, a jaguar would eat the sun, and jon and kate would last forever. so consider the source. anyway, the mayan calender ends in 2012. for the mayans it actually ended much ealier, the entire civilization was wiped out much earlier, the entire civilization was wiped out by the spanish. didn't really predict that, did you mayans.'
+ 'yesterday at an art auction, an andy warhol piece, which is called '200 1 dollar bills', sold for 43 million dollars', craig ferguon exclaims, 'whoa?!? who has that kind of money these days? i dont mean the 43 million dollars, i mean the 200 1 dollar bills! i would love to go to a big art auction, but i'd be afraid that i'd scratch my nose or pull my ear or something and i'd bid for some crappy thing i dont want. thats how i got this job!'
+ 'there is some very important news tonight, very important news! i cant be mucking around with jokes- theres news!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'finally, after a long year of campaigning, the winners were announced today for the toy hall of fame. its a real place! its in rochester new york, it was built 11 years ago, this is true, to recognized toys that have changed our lives. this is a real place, the 2009 inductees, i'm not kidding you, there's three: the big wheel, the game boy, and the ball. wait, wait, the ball?!? they have a toy hall of fame for 11 years, and the ball just made it?!? shouldnt the ball just be at the beginning? the ball should be right at the beginning with the stick. and boogers.'
+ 'it is today, sesame street is 40 years old', craig ferguson informs us, 'happy birthday! its officially now middle aged. cookie monster is going to have switch to a low carb diet. you thought oscar was grouchy before, wait till he gets that prostate exam!'
+ 'its a great day for germany,' craig ferguson reminds us, '20 years ago the berlin wall came down. i remember where i was: i was passed out in a dumpster. i actually dont remember where i was, but its a good bet, it came down twenty years ago, and i've been sober 17 years, i was probably sleeping in a dumpster... anyway, berlin twenty years ago, it was kind of the capital of cold war europe, the wall divided the city between east and west, between capitalist and communists. it was a symbol of oppression, like the statue of liberty is a symbol of freedom, or the hollywood sign is a symbol of resentment. anyway, the germans celebrated the only way they knew how, with a massive david hasselhoff concert. that's true!'
+ 'the holiday season is officially upon us', craig ferguson announces, 'because the movie 'a christmas carol' opens today. yes, that's right, christmas movies are being released earlier and earlier every year. now, i'm thinking al gore will blame global warming, but i'm not sure. the new movie is the animated version of jim carrey. does jim carrey really need to be animated? he's pretty cartoony already. i'm sure he will tone it down a bit for the movie. any time jim carrey doesnt make his ass talk in a movie, you know thats the one he wants an oscar for. i want to see his ass win an oscar, it would be a fantastic acceptance speech!'
+ 'money's tight all over', craig ferguson shares, 'in fact, nicholas cage had to sell his bavarian castle. boo fucking hoo. turns out, nicholas cage is broke, he went from staring in blockbusters, to looking for a job at blockbuster. i'm actually concerned for nicholas cage, the market is quite soft right now for 500 year old bavarian castles... he also has to sell his haunted mansion in in new orleans. i heard that and i though nicholas cage has a haunted mansion? that is actually cool, he really is ghost rider! i've said it before, 'ghost rider' is the greatest movie ever made! if you dont like ghost rider, go and join your friends in tora bora, you al qaeda bastards! a movie about a skeleton who rides a motor cycle with his head on fire? come on! and they are making a sequel, but the producers are saying it wont be anything like the first one. well, you listen to me hollywood producers, you better not make it anything like that 'twilight' thing, with the sensitive vampires talking about their feelings, i dont want any of that! the ghost rider story doesnt need tinkering, i dont want a sequel where he's riding a sequel where he drives an old cadillac ghost riding ms. daisy or anything like that. just make the same movie again with different words- thats what i want!'
+ 'a few days ago, the largest cruise ship ever built set sail for the first time', craig ferguson shares, 'now, if you're like me, first of all, see a doctor and drink a lot of orange juice (there was a tip in there stoners...), you have been breathlessly following this ship's voyage. what happened is the ship left finland a few days a go, and soon will arrive in miami. its called 'oasis of the seas', its huge! its huge, this thing! its got a park on it, golf courses, its got a shopping mall. all the things you can do on land, with the added excitement of possibly sinking! the ship is five times as big as the titanic, so what could possibly go wrong? i'm sure everything is fine, they would never hit an ice burg, with global warning, there's no ice burgs left. anyway, the company that made the ship say that its environmentally friendly. its a completely green vessel. that means it doesnt dump anything in the ocean, all the waste created on the ship gets reused. in other words, dont order the lemonade... or the chocolate cake...'
+ 'its a great day for our japanese friends', craig ferguson shares, 'its a big holiday in japan, japanese culture day. big day for me, i celebrate it every year. i do, november the third every year i put on a kimono and giggle like a school girl 'tee hee hee'. actually i do that nearly every day. i think my fascination with japanese culture began by going to japanese restaurants. you know when you go to a japanese restaruant and they shout at you when you walk in 'hersumase!' it means 'welcome', and i think is the shouting really necessary? i dont shout at people when i welcome them into my home, unless they are old and hard of hearing, 'good to see you again regis!'. i will admit, i used to think the whole japanese dinning thing was a joke, it was a put on. they're like 'lets see if we can get these people to eat raw fish with steaks, and then get them to drink hot wine, and then we will get them to sit on the floor without shoes on!'.'
+ 'happy day light savings time, everybody' craig ferguson celebrates, 'as you can see its getting much darker at night now, much earlier at night. even though its live and its half past time in your region. this weekend everyone gained an hour, but it evens out, so your throwing an hour away. i'm not kidding, its going to suck more than usual tonight, but if you want to stay with it, i will too...'