+ 'it's a great day for america everybody! now some times i say that and you go 'well, its not that great craig'. but today it is! cause the drug companies announced they are giving away free boner pills to the unemployed! take this job and shove it, pal! they say that if your unemployment goes on for more than four hours you should call your doctor...'
+ 'obama had a 'poetry slam' at the white house. i've actually been to a poetry slam, i went to a poetry slam in del ray beach in florida. i ended up in this coffee house and it was lesbian poetry night! it was awesome! i'm not kidding! i think i might be a lesbian. now, i've got mixed feelings about poetry, done well its great, but not many people can do it well. i think you should have some sort of license to perform poetry, a poetic license perhaps...'
+ 'miss california claims that her topless photos are the result of a windy day. you know, on any given day all of us hear mountains and mountains of bullshit, right? everyday you hear it from everybody, blah blah blah. there's always some crap going on. but when i hear a model say to me 'i only showed my nipples because the wind blew and my breasts came out'. i say madam, you are treating me as if i am a fool. that, madam, is not true. i don't care how many fancy hollywood lawyers ya got, i'm telling ya.'
+ 'it's salvidor dali's birthday! i recently went to an art show. and to be honest with ya, i dont understand a lot of the art at this auction. some of it was even- i was looking at it going 'this is offensive'. then i thought 'oh, i like that!' no, i do. i think art should be beautiful and offensive and hard to understand some times. beautiful, offensive, hard to understand some times... remind you of anyone?'
+ tonight craig ferguson broke the camera! 'i came out and i was talking, and i slapped the camera as i do every night, and it broke! and the glass tumbled to the floor at my feet like some sort of crystal rain!'
+ 'there was a new show that premiered on bravo tonight called 'the fashion show',' craig informs us, 'its about a group of fashion designers who compete against each other to win a grand prize. what an amazing idea. what would a show like that be like? it would be kind of exactly like 'project runway'! actually i have no problem with similarities between two shows. i'm a big fan of 'project runway', but its ok to have two fashion competition shows. you can have 'wife swap', and 'trading spouses'. you can have 'the view', and 'when animals attack', you can have them both!'
+ 'this whole beauty pageant thing', craig ferguson inquires, 'aren't we past this? it's kind of creepy to me. the whole concept is out of date, beauty pageants, its like VCRs, or parachute pants, or meg ryan.' the audience responds disapprovingly, 'oh, yeah right, you went to go see her last movie too, didn't you? oh shut up! some people say we should have beauty pageants for men too. thats not the right answer, two wrongs don't make a right.'
+ 'today of course, is cinco de mayo,' craig ferguson shares, 'its a great day for mexico. today is the day we celebrate the mexican army's defeat of the french in 1862. many people think it's mexican independence day, but its not, thats in december. do you know that cinco de mayo is a bigger holiday here than it is in mexico? its the same way with st. patrick's day. its bigger here than in ireland. strange that the two foreign holidays we've embraced so quickly involve heavy drinking...'
+ 'a couple years ago sony got busted for making up critics to put on their ads', craig ferguson reminds us, 'they just made it up! 'this is a great movie!' -by john notreallyalive. people got suspicious when they saw the second name, they were like 'is this a real last name, notreallyalive?' 'uh, yes, its german...'
+ 'its may day', craig ferguson declares, 'may day, of course, started as a spring festival, the druids would dance around and sacrifice a virgin. april the 30th must have been a really good day to get lucky back then! 'may day's coming honey...' 'oh, i don't know' 'ok, fine, if you want to be a virgin tomorrow...' 'oh, i see your point!' if the henge is rockin', dont come a knockin'!'
+ 'big news today', craig ferguson announces, 'president obama announced with the surgeon general that chrysler has the swine flu. chrysler is going to have to declare bankruptcy. there is still hope that they can merge with the italian car company fiat. chrysler and fiat together will be awesome- crappy cars in two languages!'
in this sketch craig ferguson lampoons the celebrity apprentice show. donald trump is deciding who to fire, arnold schwarzenegger played by the show's regular impersonator, and sean connery played by craig. there is certainly no love lost between craig and donald trump, a constant target of craig's lambasting. at the end of the skit donald trump's wig falls off.
+ 'yesterday arland spector switched over to be a democrat', craig ferguson tell us, 'wow- if obama can turn spector into a democrat can he turn rush limbaugh into a democrat? could he turn ann coulter into a woman? the last great leader to switch sides was lindsay lohan- she became a lesbo-crat! this gives democrats 59 seats, just one more and they will be filibuster proof. and that one vote is al franken. what the fuck?!? al franken?!? if twenty five years ago you had told me the balance of power in the united states senate will all pivot on al franken, they would say you were crazy!'
+ craig ferguson has a few complaints about the new fcc crackdown. 'here's something thats weird to me, it's not ok to say certain words on tv, but its perfectly acceptable on tv to show acts of extreme violence. why? fucked if i know. people use words like sex and violence like they are the same thing- they are not the same thing, they're different, they are extremely different. one is a hateful business that involves tears, shouting, usually ends up with me in bandages- and the other is violence!'
+ 'you know whats even scarier that the swine flu?' craig ferguson asks, 'which is admittedly terrifying, is the news coverage of the swine flu. if you flip over to the cable news channels right now its all 'swine flu!' 'swine flu!' 'swine flu!' 'its ham-ageddon!' 'it's the pig-pocolypse!' 'its snout of control!' they just want to scare the crap out of you. 'is swine flu deadlier than the grim reaper? stay tuned!' they never give you advice on how to avoid getting sick, cause then you would just turn off the tv and just go avoid getting sick. its always like 'swine flu tips on not getting sick right after and ad for these boner pills!' you know the news channels love this cause panic is their business, then they bring on the medical corespondent 'i've never seen anything like this!' killer bees that didn't kill, then Y2K,. the bottom line is this: there is potential danger everywhere, the truth is this: swine flu is real, a small number of people will become sick, but if you wash your hands and dont wait too long to see a doctor if you do get sick, you'll be ok. there, was that so hard?'
+ 'i like almost all of God's creatures,' craig ferguson admits, 'but i do have to say, ostriches are bastards. no, they are! i've got nothing against any of them, but ostriches are bastards, they're big pecky, and stupid. they're like killer chickens. do you know that more people are killed by ostriches in the wild than by lions or tigers combined! now, thats is not true, but if it was true, you'd be like 'thats not true' and i'd be like 'well, yeah.' ostriches, skinny up top, with huge big round bottoms. its the animal world's kardashians!'
+ 'its william shakespeare's birthday today', craig ferguson points out, 'scholars say that the accent in shakespeare's day wasn't like the english accent today, they say that it probably, now this is true, they say it probably would have sounded like a midwestern accent of today, like a chicago accent. isn't that weird? i think thats weird! its very hard to imagine shakespeare actors sounding like they're from chicago. 'shall i compare they to a summer's day? or should we just go and get drunk and watch da bears?'
+ 'today is 'administrative professionals day'', craig ferguson reminds us, 'it used to be called secretaries day, but they changed it to be more p.c., its like when thanksgiving used to be called 'cook my dinner, bitch!' day, but now its not. its also jack nicholson's birthday, he turns 72- happy b-day jack! and, to top it all, its earth day! now, planet earth and jack nicholson are very different, of course, one is a big round object ravaged by years of abuse and we're running out of time to save it, and the other one is earth!'
+ 'newspapers are facing competition from these 24 hour news channels', craig observes, 'but they don't have anything on these, 24 hours of news, they say its a 24 hour news channel, and there's like 3-4 minutes of actual news, and the rest is just someone talking bullshit. it is! i heard once, i dont remember what it was, but i heard once them say 'would you care to speculate on the assumptions made here?' speculate on the assumptions?!? theres terrible! thats what i do here, thats not news! they also give their shows deceptive names, i watched 'hardball' the other night- it was not what i expected, i was sorely disappointed.'
+ 'big weekend at the box office', craig mentions, 'the number one movie was '17 again' with zac efron. now i haven't seen it, but that won't stop me from talking about it cause i'm a guy on tv. anyway, the story is about a middle aged guy who becomes 17. i dont know how, i think he gets bitten by a radio active teenager or something. it sounds dumb, but i understand the appeal of being 17. when you're 17 years old its all in front of you, when you're my age, 46, well, a lot of its behind you. by 70 its all, well, hanging under you...'craig shares that over the weekend his son milo won the sport stacking world championship in his age group!+ michael caine in spain
+ its email time! one email asks 'does the rattlesnake museum in albuquerque new mexico know how much business you're throwing their way?' craig responds 'oh yes, i do like to talk about the rattlesnake museum in albuquerque new mexico cause i've been there, its a rattlesnake museum. they have rattle snakes from the beginning of time all the way up to present day rattle snakes. its a fantastic place even if you dont like rattle snakes. go, because it's just... if you're thinking 'where should i go on vacation this year?', go to the rattle snake museum in albuquerque new mexico, you'll fill and entire morning! and in thee afternoon get some turquoise! anyway, i don't know if they know, i dont know if they care, but take that people who spend millions of dollars to advertise on CBS!'
+ the governor of texas has been talking about secession lately, and craig is not happy about that: 'i'm sorry, i have to tell you, i don't like the secessionists. it not just one side at fault though, both sides of the political fence get huffy when things don't go their way. when right wingers are mad at washinton they say 'we're going to split from the union!', and the left wingers say 'we're going to move to canada! i'm getting in the prius and i'm out of here!'
+ 'let me just say on this tax day,' craig ferguson insists, some people hate the IRS, but i think thats wrong. i would like to just say, right now, that the IRS agents are the most awesome people in the world!' sucking up a little bit, craig? 'no, they are! they are actually, these people are impressive, these IRS people, because it's the one part of the government beurocrocy that is actually efficient! they know how much you made, how much you owe uncle sam, and they'll stop at nothing to get it! i mean, if osama bin laden had made illegal deductions, his ass would be in jail right now!'
+ 'it's a great day for the people of cuba,' craig ferguson announces, 'the obama administration announced that we are easing economic sanctions against cuba, so congratulations cuba. but this could mean the end, of course, for the castro brothers. fidel and raul. they are oppressive dictators. fidel castro has an artificial anus- no, he does! really, its true! apparently the artificial anus is sold under the product name 'i cant believe its not butt.'
+ during the introduction for the show craig ferguson has his new dog 'cabbage' with him.
just like all late night talk show hosts, craig ferguson has always had a mug at his table. its always been a 'late late show' mug, but recently one of his guests, mary mccormack, brought him a new mug! when ever the conversation on the show goes on things like the desert, snakes, or anywhere in the southwest of the country, craig loves to ask a guest if they have ever been to the rattlesnake museum in albuquerque new mexico. well, mary mccormack was there and got him this rattle snake mug as a gift for him- craig was overjoyed! he was so excited about the new mug that he immediately threw his old mug to the floor, swearing to use this new rattlesnake mug from now on! he has, and continues to use it since then, often showing it off to new guests each night. it has been the topic of much conversation on his show.
+ it's email time! craig ferguson reads an email sent in from a reader: 'here's one from robert in nashville tennessee. obligatory 'yee ha!'. robert says 'hello craig, my wife says...' oh, your wife? oh, listen to you, mr. swanky because i'm in a relationship! 'my wife says that your emails are actually written by your screenwriters'!' craig laughs! 'they're not even here! they leave after the first bit, then boom- their off drinking! 'email written by your writers, is that true?' no. 'does this make me one of your writers?' yes. 'why havent i been paid?' because you are one of my writers!'
for the past several months craig has been including puppets in his preshow two minute introduction. usually he just uses them to talk to the people and welcome them to stay tuned, but sometimes he has more elaborate set ups that use them. some of the best have included craig lipsynching songs like 'oops i did it again', and 'istanbul (not constantinople)' where the puppets are his back up singers. these bits are always funny!
meant to be in the style of HBO's 'taxicab confessional', it uses a secret camera style in an elevator where craig is the elevator operator. it usually involves craig's character making a lewd comment to one of the women in the elevator, and often has one of the guys in the elevator wanting him to take them up on the offer. this bit is funny in small doses.
+ as craig ferguson introduces the night's show, steven wright is pushing britney murphy on a swing in the background. quite strange...
another in a long line of sketches mostly designed to allow craig to play michael caine. he is now in spain, as apposed to space, due to a spelling error, or so the announcer tells us. now, dressed up in a matador suit, michael caine continues to share about different life stories, usually involving how he 'shagged a bird'.
+ 'it's april fools day everybody! hurray!' craig ferguson cries, 'i'm kidding. i hate april fools. i hate it with all the stupid pranks, i hat it and i refuse to participate! i am the scrooge of april fools day. 'oh, tiny tim, we brought you a prosthetic leg- i'm kidding! go on, hobble off! ha ha ha!' i will say this: i think people who do play pranks do it to cover up the fact that they don't have a sense of humor. there. i said it. pranks are passive aggressive and vicious. unless they are done by me, in which case they are hilarious!'
+ steven wright introduces the night's episode and shows up again to help craig ferguson answer the emails.
+ 'you ever watch pole vaulting?', craig ferguson asks, 'it's actually kind of great, its a great sport. but its not the kind of sport you grow up with, you don't watch the pole vaulting with your buddies. its not like theres 'monday night pole vaulting'! there was a pole vaulter running through paris naked recently. the sport isn't usually done naked, which is ironic cause it was started by the ancient greeks and they did everything naked! they pole vaulted naked, wrote greek mythologies naked, they invented democracy naked. 'all in favor, raise your hand- i said your hand, aristotle!' 'i'm sorry, im just so excited about democracy!'
+ 'waffles make everyone happy', craig reminds us, 'you know what i think they should do? they should open up a waffle restaurant in iraq- it would stablize the entire region! it would! and you could call it 'waffle-ujah'. people love waffles so much. they would try some and be like 'i love this so much i have given up the idea of jihad!'
+ mirian ross, the mother from 'happy days', introduces the night's episode.
+ mimi, from craig ferguson's old 'drew carrey show' days, shows up to introduce the night's episode.
+ craig ferguson shares some ideas about hangovers and their cures: 'a hangover is basically just extreme dehydration over the years poeple have come up with different remedies- eat a raw egg, or water with baking soda, cowboys had this hangover remedy, this is true, i was looking it up today on the googlything, hangover remedies. cowboys, what they used to do is make tea from rabbit poop. it doesn't make you feel any better, but after you drink it, you've got a lot bigger problems than having a hangover!'
+ its st. patrick's day! craig ferguson explains 'today of course, you're allowed to pinch someone if they are not wearing green. but be careful, i tried that once and CBS made me watch the sexual harassment video. now, i will admit when i did it it wasn't st. patrick's day, and i was nude. but still, cant andy rooney take a joke?'
+ 'NASA say they might have found life on mars', craig ferguson claims, 'no, this is true, i read about it today, they didn't find martians, but what they found, using a special detecting machine, was methane gas. 'aha! thats not a life form', you're thinking, well shut up smarty pants and i'll tell you why i think it, because what produces methane gas? farts! exactly! so this means there could be an alien, you know alien microbes perhaps, uunder the surface, farting methane gas! and they are going to have to admit it because there's no dogs on mars, so they can't blame it on them. i'm surprised, but surprised they found the farty stuff on mars, i would have thought they'd find it on uranus!'
+ 'as if things weren't bad enough,' craig ferguson shares, 'take a look at this headline: 'famed pastor predicts imminent catastrophe' the end of the world apparently is coming- again. the founding pastor of the times square church in new york is predicting the end of the world. you got to figure, now look, this is a lose/lose proposition if you are a pastor, cause either way the world ends, or he's talking crap. either way its not good! i think the theological term for this is 'painting yourself into a corner'. people have been predicting the end of the world for thousands of years and it's always 'the world will end next tuesday!' then tuesday comes and everyone goes 'mmhmm'. 'what i meant was the following tuesday...' it comes and everyone goes 'mmhmm'. if you really want to get ahead as a doomsday sayer is say 'next tuesday the world will NOT end!' the next tuesday if it does end, who cares, and if it doesn't end everyone will be like 'it didn't end! he said it! he said it! he's been right the last four weeks- he's a prophet!'.'
+ 'do i look grumpy to you tonight?' craig ferguson asks, ' probably because its a full moon. is it a full moon tonight, or was that last night? i dont know, lets look out the window and see...' craig goes to the background image of the skyline, 'oh, i forgot, its a child's drawing of a town. sorry for being cranky, i'm sort of like a bad tempered werewolf. that's probably where the legends of werewolves come from, you know, when there's a full moon, i get cranky. if you will, its my time of the month. hey, if you can get a chance to get angry once a month so can i! you want equality? you got it- here it is! thats right! ...i look forward to your emails.'
+ egypt is on craig ferguson's mind tonight, 'heres an interesting fact about egypt: they were stoned all the time! yes, thats true! cause their bread had sand in it, and after years of eating sandy bread they had tremendous dental pain. sandy bread, by the way, is the name i used to write romantic novels under... because they ate the sandy bread they looked like british people in drag! with eye makeup, it was like monty python! to ease the pain they drank a lot of beer and got stoned off the new wonder drug from the east: opium! is it any wonder im fascinated by these guys? they were stoned, drunk, working in construction, and were wearing eye makeup- it was my life in the 1980's!'
+ craig ferguson ponders the problems with child stars. 'michael jackson was a child star, and being a child star usually screws you up for later life, i mean thats what i think is the problem, and i'm sorry, you can't blame the kids. i blame the parents when they're always like 'i'm not pushing them into acting and show biz, my kid wants to act!' i'm like 'my kid wants to eat cookies all the time, what's your point?' my six year old wants to drive the car! you can say 'no' and love your children! and children, when you hear 'no', sometimes its a word of love!'
+ 'i'm very excited', shares craig ferguson, 'cause tonight was the premier of dancing with the stars!' craig shows off a few of his moves and dances a bit, 'sorry, i've been using performance enhancing drugs. didn't they just have the season premier of dancing with the stars a month ago? anyway, this time they've got steve-o from 'jackass', belinda carlyle from the go-gos, and denise richards from, i don't know, crazy bitch city or something. what does she do again? they asked me to be on dancing with the stars you know, they did! i couldn't do it, they couldn't find a star to pair me up with.'
+ 'the big movie opening today, the big blockbuster of 2009:' craig ferguson declares, 'its watchmen! i'm very excited. although i dont know what its about. i think its about a guy who was bitten by a radioactive watch... and then he turns into a superhero that has one big hand and one little hand! look out evildoers!'
+ craig talks all about snakes. 'you know what? it doesn't seem right to me that snakes made it onto the ark, but unicorns didn't- i mean come on! the unicorns didnt make it, neither did the chocolate moose, or the corndog! luckily, science brought them back to life! thank you petro-chemical food stuffs!'