10-01-08

+ pirates took over a ship in somalia, craig ferguson tells us. the funny thing is that its filled with russian tanks! 'the pirates are holding them for ransom,' craig shares, 'first they asked for 45 million dollars, then 20 million, now 5. i think they have my agent negotiating for them, using the same technique he used to get me this job...'

'a lot of people think captain crunch is a pirate, but he's not. he is a legitimate navel officer who makes delicious breakfast cereal- take that frankenberry, you lazy pink bitch!'

+ 'white trash style tips' with tim gunn

craig has a strange dream about the vice presidential debate.

- jennifer love hewitt

- jim parsons. the funny nerd from 'big bang theory'

9-30-08

+ with all this financial stuff going on, craig ferguson is ready to weigh in on the situation and give us his advice: 'i'll tell you what got us here: greed. do i know what im talking about? no. im just a vulgar lounge entertainer, not an economist. but i am scottish, which should count for something, because capitalism was invented by a scottsman! aha! adam smith, a scottish philosopher came up with the concept of 'the invisible hand'. its when a price is set at a point where supply meets demand. the whole crisis is adam smiths 'invisible hand' bitch slapping wall street across the face for groping the 'invisible ass' of america!'

and pondering the desperation of the whole situation, craig asks 'wall street is affecting main street, but what about other streets? on sesame street there are people living in garbage cans!'

- tim daly

- anna friel

= alice cooper

white trash style tips

this is a new segment that they must have cooked up last time tim gunn was on the show. they start with a little tag for the segment, and then tim gunn proceeds to give helpful fashion advice to a model who is decked out in a terribly trashy outfit. his advice is on how to be properly trashy.
after the segment, craig always informs us 'listen to tim gunn, hes never wrong!'

9-29-08

+ with the vice presidential debates coming up craig ferguson has some advice for the candidates. because its a man vs. a woman, 'they have got to be careful how they come across, joe biden must be nice or he'll be seen as a jerk, palin has to be nice or she'll be seen as a nag. i know what they could do to make it even- have biden come out in drag!'

+ 'white trash style tips' with tim gunn

'rather late programme with prince charles' skit, paul the palace guard is leaving, so they have a video montage of all the great times they have had together.

- melina kanakeredes. she shares an interesting story of meeting the pope

- gina carano. a super hot mma fighter

= amy macdonald

access extratainment tonight

this is a recurring skit that mocks entertainment news shows like access hollywood and entertainment tonight. craig ferguson plays 'barney slash', a real loser who doesnt understand anything and is barely able to make sense of the telepropter that he has to read. by his side is his little sidekick 'john tesh'. together they try to report on the 'dirt' about celebrities. usually it involves a simple concept that they arent really able to understand and try to 'get to the bottom of'. an example would be: 'celebrity weddings: why are celebrities getting married?' and then jumping to wild and silly assumptions. the editing and pace are kept ridiculously fast, another jab at this type of show.
i enjoy this bit, and its usually at least mildly amusing.

9-26-08

+ it seems henry the monkey decided to stop in again to say hi.

+ the ridiculous david blaine stunt was on the night before, and craig talks about how stupid it was. it seems that the exciting finish to his hanging upside down bit didnt go very well because president bush interrupted the live telecast for a speech. 'interrupting david blaine was the first time in a while that the presidents approval rating went up!'

+ access extratainment tonight with barney slash and john tesh skit.

- drew carey

# tony parker

= lady antebellum

9-25-08

+ craig ferguson shares that he has gotten some flack today because yesterday he railed against mccain for skipping out on a letterman appearance that he had scheduled. some people complained that he is trying to further his own political leanings by singling out mccain and not obama. 'get this straight,' he informs us, 'i am not the democrats bitch. i am david lettermans bitch!'

+ thinly veiled sketch thats obviously just a ford commerical

- tim gunn

+ dear aquaman sketch

- elizabeth reaser

9-24-08

+ every once in a while craig ferguson sees a problem and gives a serious solution, or at least how he would want to solve it. tonight is one of those times. 'john mccain suspended his campaign today and says he might delay the debate due to the economic crisis. whats next, suspend the elections? you cant do that! some have done it in the past: castro, napolian, julius cesaer...'

craig goes on to talk about the bankers who are in trouble: 'shouldnt we bail them out? no. basically what this is is some rich brats crashed the ferarri and they want uncle sam to buy them a new one. no!!!'

- michael clarke duncan

- shirley manson

= jamie lidell

9-23-08

+ always looking to the headlines, craig ferguson shares 'clay aiken is on the cover of people magazine and says hes gay. what?!? who saw that coming? also, in the same magazine john mccain says hes old, and obama says hes black.'

the audience tonight is really very strange, and craig makes mention of it. at one point he makes a joke and they go 'oooh', he asks 'what?', and they clap. huh?

+ sean connery reads from his autobiography

- john krasinski. he shows off his ability to do muppet arms. very funny.

# dr. lisa masterson

9-22-08

+ 'i wanted to talk about the emmys that were on last night, but i cant say s**t on television' craig ferguson shares. he goes on to talk about how bad they were anyway, 'any one who watches this show will know that i know a thing or two about badly made television, but i am an amateur. last night i got to see how the pros make badly made television! i love show business, but thats the worst f***ing thing ive seen in a long time!!! and i know, i was there. i had to present an award at the end with the lovely brooke shields. im waiting and waiting, i go out with brooke and its very nice, and as i walk out on the stage, cause im hating all this show, i realize i hate me now, cause im a part of this! on behalf of show business, im sorry america...'

+ tim meadows with an economic report

- denis leary. he asks an important question: 'when you did that bit where you said your hand was on brooke shields ass, was it really?' craig raises his hand triumphantly and says 'yah baby!'

- marianne jean-baptiste

9-19-08

+ at the beginning and ending of the show craig ferguson used a stuffed monkey to warn us of the impending cheeky monkey invasion (their evil plan is laid out here).

+ the emmys are on this weekend, and craig tells us that he is going to be there. 'i will be there presenting an award with brooke sheilds. you know her new show 'lipstick jungle'? its about a bunch of older women with revitalized sex lives. its basically 'cougars go nuts'. man that sounds like a show on fox!' craig continues in an announcery voice ''tonight on fox 'cougars go nuts', followed by 'are you smarter than a meerkat?' ' which your not, they are natures little Einsteins...'

+ murder she wrote '08 skit, featuring samuel l. jackson.

- kristen bell

- josh radnor

cheeky monkey leader

'people of earth, heed me! if you watched this show last night you will know that i, henry, leader of the cheeky monkeys, from the planet monkeyvania (thats right? monkeyvania?), ok, i had announced that craig had been saying 'cheeky wee monkeys' in vain, which is ok, then he had stopped saying it, which infuriated me and a lot of ladies with cats. but now the cheeky monkeys have arrived, and we arrived in great numbers. im first, but theres more coming... soon our battle ships will be coming from the planet monkeyvania. we will take over your planet and you will bow down to our loveliness. we are so cute that you will be enslaved by our delightful frolics, so enjoy it while you can, people of earth!'

9-18-08

+ election fever still has its grip on craig ferguson. he talks about the two candidates and how each of them is trying to appeal to the 'average joe', when both of them attended very prestigous schools, and are both quite well off. both of them claim the other is elitist, when in reality, they both are. 'two elite men trying to run the the country. i think thats the way it should be,' says craig, 'im fine with that, im fine with elitists running the country. people say 'aw, i want someone running the country whos just like me!' -not me! im an unreliable drunk and a pathological lier! we cant vote someone like that into the white house... again.'

+ ford commercial disguised as a skit.

- jason segel talks and sings a beautiful love ballad called 'wonky eye'

= dr. dog

> steve hofstetter

9-17-08

+ the talk is still political as craig ferguson questions the poling process. 'according to the poles both candidates have 56%. what?!? is it just me, or... this is why i dont trust poles. i think some people think this is like american idol, you can vote as many times as you like- im talking to you, florida...'

+ de niro and pacino skit. hoo ha!

- alan alda

- illeana douglas

9-16-08

+ craig ferguson still has election fever! he talks about how barbara striesand held a fundraiser, 'it costed 28 grand a plate! after dinner she had a concert. for an extra grand you can leave before she starts singing...'

+ pollitical update summary recap report round-up. it featured the 'ham of justice', and it was quite lame, as craig himself admits to later in the show.

# model paulina porizkova

* journalist ken tucker

= tally hall