7-24-13

+ 'it was a very tense day here at cbs' criag ferguson admits, 'cbs is locked in a huge battle with time warner cable.  it could cost time warner cable's subscribers to loose cbs.  the fight is about money probably.  i don't know, i'm not up on the details.  i think cbs wants more money from time warner cable, which is fair!...  i don't know.  what cbs is asking for is still less than what time warner pays to carry the disney channel, but remember cbs, there's a reason disney gets all that cash, they send goofy to collect!  'gahyuck, pay up bitches, or i'll cut ya, gahyuck!'  obviously this issue hits close to home for me because if cbs doesnt get the higher fees, cbs will be forced to slash the show's hay budget and secretariat will die!  dont let secretariat die, time warner! i'm not taking sides, but time warner wants the beloved secretariat horse to die!  its in your hands, internet!  anyway, what i'm saying is that disputes like this are more evidence how tv is quickly changing.  a few years ago the tv business model looked one way, now everything is all switched around and looks another way.  oh wait, i'm thinking of bruce jenner.'
- matt smith
- teri polo

7-23-13

+ 'its not a great day for new york today', craig ferguson shared, 'the mayoral candidate anthony wiener, you know, the guy who resigned from congress for showing wiener, today more wiener photographs were released of his wiener! new yorkers were shocked, they were so shocked that elliot spitzer fell off his hooker, they were so shocked that people almost stopped urinating in public, they were so shocked that think on trump's head fainted!  people were so shocked that woody allen had to pull his daughter wife out of school!  the new photos are from the same time period as the old photograph, so it seems to me its kind of like beating a dead horse...  new details have emerged, apparently anthony wiener would show his junk on the internet using the name, and i'm not kidding, carlos danger!  isn't that great?  that's an awesome name!  anthony wiener released a statement today saying 'this kind of behavior is behind me',  then he added 'if you want to see more of what's behind me, i'll text you a photograph!'  the race for mayor goes on, anthony wiener still has a small lead over city council member kristin quinn, who is gay.  its the classic match up: lesbian versus predator!'
- larry king
- anna camp

7-22-13

+ 'its a great day for our friends in the u.k.', criag ferguson shares, 'its really a great day for everyone!  a royal baby!  you know, in a royal baby, the umbilical cord is cut by a unicorn's horn.  what happens is the royal baby comes out and he's covered in blue blood, of course, and the unicorn comes over and bows.  as the unicorn bows, the horn magically cuts the umbilical cord and doves fly out of the royal vagina!  none of that common after birth stuff!  i'm tellin' ya, its like a david copperfield show!  it was very big news, of course, congratulations to the royal family.  moments ago the palace released a photo of his royal adorableness.  the royal family, of course, are delighted about this news.  prince harry popped open some champagne and danced naked around the palace- then he heard about the baby!  prince charles said what any proud new grandpa would say: 'back of line, junior!'  there were very few people actually in the room for the birth: prince william, the father, kate middleton's mother, and neil patrick harris i believe was there.  he does most of the tonys, the emmy's, the royal birth.  and you know what?  he makes it better!  cause normally i dont enjoy these things, but when neil does it, i'm like 'actually this is entertaining!'  so the royal baby is now number one on the list of favorite wrinkly dudes!  number two is still micheal caine, and number three is still madanna...'
- brooke shields
= sara bareilles

7-19-13

+ 'its a great day for san diego, or is it?', craig ferguson asks, '135 thousand people have descended on san diego for comic con.  when i say 'people', im refering to the geeks and the nerds and the trolls.  if you live in southern california and you need to get your computer fixed this weekend, you are screwed!  i think comic con might have jumped the shark.  i'll tell you why: because i'm going!  that's it, its over!  its like the sundance film festival.  the sundance film festival used to be cool, it was about independent film and serious art, now its a place where paris hilton goes.  i am the paris hilton of comic con!  if i'm going, it is no longer relevant!  the reason i'm going is because i will be moderating the doctor who panel on sunday.  i love doctor who, its been on tv in britain since the sixties, i grew up with it.  there will be people at comic con who know a lot more about doctor who than i do.  if i don't know the title of a particular episode or if i mispronounce the name of a planet i will be shamed, i will be ridiculed.  i will be like paula dean at the BET awards!  i have children and a job, i don't have have time to memorize details of a tv show, like the fact that the doctor's home planet is gallifrey, the gridlock system with it the constellation of casta boris.  the galactic quadrants are 10 zero 11 zero zero by zero two from galactic zero center.  and that's correct!  i know that!  i will be fielding questions from the doctor who panel, i'm sure the first question will be 'why are you here, miss minelli?'.'
-jane lynch
= goo goo dolls

7-18-13

+ 'its a great day for television', craig ferguson shares, 'three million people watched the season premier of 'here comes honey boo boo'.  three million people!  the cast was delighted, at least i think that's that they said, i don't understand them...  do the honey boo boo family have a last name? i just call them the boo boos.   their first names are easy to remember, there's june, the mother, sugar bear, the father, and kids are honey boo, chickity, pumpkin, pee pee, and plinko, i think.  oh, and regis.  anyway, if you've never seen honey boo boo, its like duck dynasty but with less ducks, or downton abby but with less shoes, or like keeping up with the kardashians but with less hair.  but when you think about it, honey boo boo's are like the kardashians, honey boo boo is the little princess, thats like kim kardashian, june, the stay at home mother is like kris jenner, and then sugar bear, that's khloe.  their all in there!  i remember when the show first started critics were calling it offensive and outrageous and exploitative, and they also had bad things to say about it!'
- jeffrey tambor
= cristela alonzo

7-17-13

+ 'you know, over in britain they are very tense', craig ferguson admits, 'because still no royal baby!  i cant wait to see that little bundle of joy!  i'm talking about prince harry's genitals.  that's what he says when he poses for those naked pictures, 'do you want to see my royal bundle of joy?'  we are still in royal baby watch here at this show.  the royal family are keeping all the details secret because they don't want their plans spoiled by voldemort!  ha ha!  that's right, everyone in britain is in harry potter!  the maternity wards in britain are a little bit different, instead of surgical masks they wear those curly wigs!  kate middleton is now four days overdue, which means that in just a few more days the royal baby watch will surpass gweyneth paltrow as the most annoying thing in london...'
- anthony hopkins
- jes macallan

7-16-13

+ 'there's a new cable channel coming', craig ferguson informs, 'i don't watch cable, i only watch cbs...  just like you, everybody else in the world!  there is going to be a new cable channel for dogs!  i'm like, that's stupid!  you ever seen a dog watch tv?  their schedule came out today and they've got some great shows: 'barks and recreation', 'game of bones', and 'so you think you can lick your balls?'.'
- jon hamm

7-15-13

+ 'britain is in a heightened state of alert right now', craig ferguson shares, 'right now we are on royal baby watch.  yes, everyone over there is on the look out for the helpless little bald creature who will someday become the most powerful person in england.  but enough about prince charles...!  the child of prince william and kiki wigglesworth is due any time.  prince harry is said to be very excited because he will be an uncle for the first time and he will no longer be the only one running around the royal palace naked!  queen elisabeth is very excited, and who can blame here?  its been 120 years since a british monarch has been alive for the birth of a great grandchild.  a royal birth is a little different, but even in the delivery room formal protocol must be followed.  the doctors will have to refer to william as 'your highness', and kiki wigglesworth, her lady parts will be on view.  and you cant say 'the royal vagina', so you need another name for it.  perhaps 'the regal baby basket', maybe 'her majesty's beefeater', or 'her majesty's secret cervix'!  anyway, the doctors have warned the princess that the birth might be painful because there is a one in four shot that the baby will have prince charles' ears!'
- julie chen
> michael palascak

7-12-13

+ jeff daniels starts the show off with a funny song about a traffic accident.
+ 'this is why i like him: he used to be a big guy himself.  so do i, see, thats why i trust him.  i dont trust skinny people telling me how to lose weight. what did you ever do, gweneth paltrow? i'm just saying!  now that richard simmons is 65 he can retire, but what would he do?  spend time on his sequin farm?  he has one, he grows sequins, and when they mature, he harvests them!  do you remember a few years ago a man said he was slapped by richard simmons in the pheonix airport? and he actually filed charges!  he did!  i'm thinking, what kind of man says he was beat up by richard simmons?!?  a man who wants money, thats who!  saying you got beat up by richard simmons is like saying you got beat up by an olson twin!
- jeff daniels
> sarah tiana

7-11-13

+ 'look, if you know anything about me, you know this is the day i look forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'i know you think 'craig, didn't you say that last night?' i did, but this is also the day i look forward to all year... its the first day of elvis fest in las vegas. today at the las vegas hilton, thousands of elvis impersonators gather to swap stories and swivel their hips!  this is true about elvis, historians say that the cult of elvis has all the makings of a future religion.  really, that's a real thing.  you know, the sightings after his death, people dressing like him.  its possible that in a couple thousand years there will be a church of elvis!  in the far distant future, at the end of a service, the minister will say 'elvis has left the building', and everyone will stand up and say 'thank you, thank you very much!'  you know, when elvis went on the ed sullivan show, cbs refused to show him from the waist down because of his gyrating hips, they thought it would make the audience go crazy.  cbs doesn't like to show me from the waist down either, in case something goes off!'
- maria bello
- scott adsit

7-10-13

+ 'its a great day for our friends in the bahamas', craig ferguson states, 'if you know anything about me, you know this is the day i wait for all year, july 10, bohemian independence day!  it was on this day in 1973, the bahamas declared independence, before that they were a british colony.  it used to be said 'the sun never sets on the british empire'.  the empire was so big, the sun never set on one of its territories, that's how huge the empire was.  that changed quickly, they lost canada, australia, jamaica, the bahamas to name just a few.  england has been dumped more times than taylor swift, but did they go writing whiny songs about it? no they did not!  last week, of course, was our independence day.  i think england had a habit of loosing places in july.  every year about this time, all around britain they are like 'good heavens, its july again!  keep a close eye on scotland!'.'
- cedric the entertainer
- jess weixler

7-09-13

+ 'you know who's birthday it is today?' craig ferguson asks, 'donkey kong!  the video game where the giant ape throws barrels down at mario!  you know donkey kong is getting older because instead of throwing barrels, he just throws his balls down there!  donkey kong is a great arcade game except one detail: it is very very hard!  donkey kong is harder than my nipples in an ice bath, harder than figuring out what nbc is doing in late night, harder than understanding what keith richards is saying!  the character if mario in the game is a manic fast talking italian with facial hair.  in other words, an italian!  when the movie first came out some groups protested, they said that the mario character perpetuated negative stereotypes about italians.  they said, and i quote, 'whatsa come and a go here?  we donta talka like that!  where'sa my pizza pie?'  you know, a few years ago there was a documentary about the game called 'the king of kong'.  it was a lot of fun to watch those guys using their joysticks on a quest for glory, but don't confuse it with the other movie 'the king of dong', which is also about guys using their joysticks on a quest for glory...'
- morgan freeman
> cathy ladman

7-08-13

+ 'it was, of course, a huge weekend at the box office!' craig ferguson states, 'the lone ranger made a ton of money.  people went to go see it because it stars johnny depp.  he wears lots of make-up and speaks in a weird accent.  i don't know what he does in the movie, but...  johnny plays tonto, the lone ranger's sidekick.  nothing makes more sense than a lone ranger having a sidekick.  'i'm the lone ranger, and here's my friend'.  that's stupid, if he's the lone ranger, he'd just walk out and go 'hey, its only me'.  i'll bet johnny depp doesn't even take the make-up off anymore, he just keeps it on until the next movie starts.  make-up or not, johnny depp definitely has a way with the ladies.  years ago, of course, he dated winona ryder.  remember that?  he even had her name tattooed on his arm, but he had to change it after winona stole his heart, and his watch, and earrings, and his prescription medication...  in the pirates of the caribbean movies, depp famously based his pirate character on keith richards, but in the lone ranger he's playing a mystical shaman who can talk to the spirit world, possibly with the help of peyote.  so, also based on keith richards...'
- heather locklear
> louie anderson

6-28-13

+ 'do you know what happened in britain this week?' craig ferguson asks, 'you know, britain.  you know, dr. who, harry potter, moptop musicians?  you know, britain!  anyway, in britain this week there was a massive hit on tv, it was a documentary.  now, a documentary is like a reality show except its classy.  its about something.  a show about something?  its an old fashioned idea...  four million people in britain, which is the entire population of britain.  i know its not, i look forward to your emails, arriving by owl...  anyway, four million people in britain watched a documentary about a man who has 140 pound testicles!  the tv executives are stunned by the high ratings.  the president of the bbc said 'its just nuts!'  see what i did there? ha ha!'
= tenacious d
- moon bloodgood

6-27-13

+ 'it is a great day, of course, for supporters of gay marriage',  craig ferguson states, 'congratulations to same sex couples, you can now be as miserable as everyone else...  i've always thought that if you really dont want gay people go get married, you shouldn't ban gay marriage, you should ban gay divorce. 'yeah yeah, you can get married, you just cant get divorced',  'what?'  'oh, you'll see...'.  its been a bit of a week for the supreme court.  yesterday they ruled that its ok for gay people to get married, today they ruled that its ok for straight people to rollerblade!'
- channing tatum
> marc maron

6-26-13

+ 'its a great day if you like the rock and roll', craig ferguson exclaims, 'do you like the rock and roll?  because glastonbury, the worlds largest rock festival, starts today in england.  its like coachella with teeth, bad teeth.  this year at glastonbury, the headliners are the rolling stones.  organizers are expecting 150 thousand people.  most of them will be mick jager's children!  tonight also was the season premier of big brother here on cbs!  i watched it live, of course, and wasn't it amazing?  i didn't actually see it, i haven't seen it ever.  its a great show though, isn't it?  you know, the term 'big brother' comes from george orwell's book 1984, where everyone is watched over by a network of cameras.  its called 'big brother'.  i've never understood that, why orwell chose the term 'big brother'.  cause if you are being watched all the time by someone, shouldn't that be 'creepy uncle'?  in the book 1984 people got in trouble just for their thoughts.  i hope we never develop mind reading technology here because i would have to apologize to some of my guests for whats going on up here, because some of them are very sexy!  sorry jeff goldblum...'
- sandra bullock
> jim mcdonald

6-25-13

+ john hodgman stops by with his french horn to plug his new comedy special 'ragnarok' on netflix.
+ 'you know who its not a great day for?' craig ferguson asks, 'edward snowden, you know, the guy who leaked all the information about our government's spy program.  we're not sure where he is, and its not easy to find a nerdy looking white guy with glasses, i learned that from 'where's waldo'!  some people say he's a hero, others say he's a traitor.  people cant seem to agree on it, the only think we can agree on is that north west is a horrible name for a baby.  i always think that, you know, when celebrities give their babies cute names like north or grapefruit, and stuff like that, they are going to change it to frank or sid or something like that.  anyway, snowden, he's got a girlfriend who's a stripper.  president obama said that they will stop at nothing to track snowden down.  president clinton said the same thing about snowden's girlfriend!'
- breckin meyer
- wendie malick

6-21-13

+ 'you know what i'm excited about today?' craig ferguson asks, 'world war z, the big zombie movie, its out today.  i'm very excited about it!  the trailer looks very scary, you see hordes of zombies climbing over each other- its like black friday at the mall!  brad pitt plays a man fighting against a terrifying gang of mindless creatures that keep coming at him day and night no matter what.  he trained for the role by having six children!  but children don't eat brains.  but the probably would it you just gave it to them.  zombies eat brains, but if you gave a child brains to eat and you didn't tell them, they would probably be ok with it, actually.  i've got to admit, last week i got a little freaked out about the possibility of the zombie apocalypse, i even wrote an email to president obama about it.  well, the email was to geoff, but i assume president obama read it...'
- maggie gyllenhaal
> matt goldich

6-20-13

+ 'here's some news that's very frightening and scandalous news', craig ferguson warns, 'well, i guess not frightening, its not like 'boo!'  it is scandalous though, the fashion designers dolce and gabbana have been found guilty of tax evasion.  they probably wont do any jail time, which is a relief, because stripes are very out this year...  the judge ordered them to pay a huge fine, it could be as high as 13 million dollars.  of course, that's chump change for dolce and gabbana, these guys giving away 13 million dollars.  that would be like jay leno giving away one car, that would be like lance armstrong giving up one syringe, that would be like me giving up one testicle!  i've got dozens of them, i keep them backstage.  i don't know a lot about dolce and gabbana, they are just two dudes who formed a successful partnership like ben & jerry, like barnum & bailey, or khloe & lamar.  apparently dolce and gabbana were an 'item' for 23 years, the broke up in 2005 but they still work together.  that must be tough, working with an ex.  i do it every time drew carey is on this show.  he lost all that weight to make me jealous... it worked!  anyway, i'm glad dolce and gabbana aren't going to prison, if they did i wonder if they would be cell mates?  then they would have to fight over who would get the top bunk and who would get the bottom!  well, they probably figured that out long ago...'
> lewis black
> matt morales

6-19-13

+ 'its a great day for president obama', craig ferguson informs, 'in berlin germany today, he gave a speech at the brandenburg gate, the former site of the berlin wall.  it was hot in berlin today, it was 98 degrees- that's hot enough to fry your schnitzel.  it was very hot, i haven't seen obama sweat like that since... yesterday, and the day before that, all this week- its been a pretty rough month for him, huh?  over the years, many u.s. presidents have given famous speeches at the brandenburg gate, in 1987 president reagan told gorbachev to 'tear down this wall'.  in 1996, bill clinton tried the old j.f.k. trick of speaking german, he said 'hmmm...'  which translates to 'where is the strip club?'  the brandenburg gate separates east and west berlin, during the cold war west berlin was an exclave, it was a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who wanted to crush it.  it was like austin, texas.  anyway, president obama is trying to get vladimir putin to scale back russia's nuclear arsenal, but its not a good time.  putin just got a divorce!  he's not in the mood, he just lost half of his stuff!  he's like 'vife gets to use kremlin on veekents'.  besides, russia is not the most dangerous nuclear power anymore, its north korea.  this year he has nuclear weapons, last year he was dancing to 'gangnam style'!  i don't know which one is worse!'
- rosie perez
= the rubens

6-18-13

+ 'earlier tonight it was the big season finale of the voice', craig ferguson states, 'did you watch it?  it was awesome, wasn't it?  it was so exciting!  i am so glad that guy or girl won!  it was fantastic!  congratulations, winner!  that's right, whoever you are, you are a winner!  i'm sure this year's winner will turn out as big as last year's winner, the great cassidy pope.  that's who won last year, cassidy pope!  i've got to be fair, i've never heard cassidy pope's music, maybe its good.  i love the name though, cassidy pope.  it sounds like it should be a tv show about a cowboy who rides into the vatican and becomes the pope and he solves crimes!'
- angie harmon
# ben mezrich

6-17-13

+ 'its a great day if you want to live forever, and who doesnt?' craig ferguson asks, 'over the weekend in new york city they hosted the global future 2045 conference.  now, its a meeting of scientists who say that if technology continues the way its going, its possible that by the year 2045 we could all be immortal!  now i hear you asking 'craig, how does this immortality work?' well, it involves putting your brain into a robot.  why do we need a conference to live forever?  why don't we just ask larry king?  to achieve immortality by 2045 we have a lot of work to do.  first, we have to figure out how to copy our brains into a computer, then you have to create robots to put them in, which sounds like a terminator movie!  immortality technology sounds like a contemporary search for the fountain of youth.  ponce de leon, the french spanish explorer, searched for the fountain of youth in the 16th century, but he died in 1521, so i'm guessing no.'
- carson kressley
- rachelle lefevre

6-14-13

+ 'big movie opened today i'm very excited about', criag ferguson shares, 'people in hollywood are saying it could make 100 million dollars this weekend.  now, to give you an idea of how much money that is, take the amount of money that the new will smith movie has made and add 100 million dollars!  now, in the new man of steel movie, superman is played by henry cavill.  he's a terrific actor, but he's british.  when i first heard that a buff british dude was playing the man of steel, i though 'good for you, madonna!'  i'm not sure why all our iconic american figures are being played by foreigners.  you've got superman from britain, batman from britan, a spider-man from britain, a president from kenya...'
- emily mortimer
> barry rothbart

6-13-13

+ 'its a great day for fans of rock and roll', craig ferguson exclaims, 'the bonaroo festival starts today in tennessee. a great lineup this year: paul mccartney and tom petty.  another big act this year at bonaroo is mumford and sons.  i like mumford and sons. well, i like mumford, his sons are jerks!  the only problem with mumford and sons is that the guy playing the banjo has all his teeth- that is not authentic!  some people say that mumford and sons carry on the proud celtic folk tradition, and other people say they are just coldplay with banjo's.  i say both, and i love it!  we love that kind of music where i'm from, the leprechaun rock, we love it!'
- seth rogan
- elisabeth moss

craig wins an award!

looks like craig ferguson is being recognized for his humor!  recently craig said that he went up to canada to accept a comedy award.  'i'd like to thank my agent and my friend geoffrey peterson, and all the little people', craig ferguson began at the top of a recent episode of the late late show, 'yesterday something very rare happened in my life: i won an award!  it is actually a very prestigious award, from the bamff world media festival in canada, its a very big deal, its the sir peter ustinov award for comedy.  its actually a very prestigious award, however, our canadian friends are not given to such flashy showmanship the way we like to do things here.  so, when i went all the way to canada yesterday to get the award, they gave it to me, and here it is!'  craig says, then shows off the rather small award.  'i'm very greatful for it, its a lovely award.  the good thing about it is that its canadian, so its cleaver, they are like 'so we are giving you an award, but it doesnt mean you're great, eh.  its lovely, so its really going to look out of place here!'

6-12-13

+ 'its a great day today for mick jager', craig ferguson states, 'but when isn't it though?  the rolling stones are in the biggest tour in the world, even though mick is 69 years old, he's still doing great!  what mick jager said in an interview, he said he keeps in shape by, and this answer may surprise you: he does ballet!  ballet is a great way to keep in shape.  he said he's been doing ballet for years, its got to be tough at his age, he's 69 years old!  his testicles must be dragging around on the floor!  dragging around his testicles like a ship's anchor!  a ship's anchor, but with less barnacles!  by the way, you know les barnacles?  he works in international marketing...  anyway, whatever mick jager is doing its working, he says he has a 28 inch waist, he's the only man who's waist is smaller than his mouth!  it shouldn't be any surprise that mick jager is in to ballet, next think you know we will find out that bono loves to riverdance!
- valerie bertinelli
- adam ray

6-11-13

+ 'its the first week of summer vacation', craig ferguson states, 'kids in america spend 180 days in school, kids in japan spend 243 days.  that is a difference of... some days!  i don't know, i dropped out of school, that's why i'm on cbs in the middle of the night- let this be a warning to you!  now that school's out, a lot of teenagers will be looking for jobs like the lifeguards.  not here in l.a., it different, public pools do not have lifeguards, we have life coaches.  if they see you struggling in the water, they ask 'are you happy with the decisions you are making?'  then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.  i hate this town.  i hated summer jobs when i was a teenager, they were so mundane and repetitious that they deadened my soul.  on the bright side, they were good training for this job!  i'm working dark, eh?  i spend my summers as a dickensian street urchin cleaning chimneys.  you know, when i was a teenager i worked at a carnival- i was a carnie.  i never really fit into the lifestyle, something about my hands not having hooks...  'look at you with all your fingers!  and both your eyes facing the same way!'.'
- margaret cho
- hugh dancy

6-10-13

+ 'i'm in a kerfuffle, i'm cockahoop and i'll tell you why', craig ferguson shares, 'cause today is the first day of e3, its the huge video game expo here in l.a.!  the gaming experts are saying its the biggest gathering of virgins since they elected the pope.  that would be a great video game: choose a pope!  gather up the smoke, puff it out your chimney, and new pope!  i love e3, e3 of course stands for electronic entertainment erection or something...  i actually went to e3 last year, i saw someone dressed up as the big furry ape creature.  i went up to them and was like 'hey, can i get a picture, donkey kong?'  and it said 'i'm khloe kardashian!'  every year at e3 they show the upgrades to your favorite games, the birds get angrier, the calls get dutyer, mario gets more super.  oh, sorry, i'm thinking about yesterday's gay pride parade...  anyway, the new video games have got the new facial recognition technology so your gaming console can identify you without logging in.  so when i walk up to it it says 'hello mrs. minelli, what would you like to play?'  you remember 'legend of zelda'?  that was a great game, that was a fantasy game with sword play, magic, and midgets.  today in e3 they unveiled the new legend of zelda, its called wind maker, and in wind maker, zelda must face the most dangerous wind maker of all: larry king!  you know what i think would be a great game? late night talk show host.  you play by dancing for quarters in the middle of the night.  the most insincere douche wins the prize: a face off against the ruthless villain: doctor leno!  doctor leno has never been beaten!'
- jonah hill
# tony kanaan

6-07-13

+ 'it is friday and here in l.a. it is gay pride weekend, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i spend all day waxing my chest, ironing my speedo- and then i remembered it was gay pride weekend!  the big gay pride parade is on sunday, but so is the season finale for game of thrones.  hmm.  games of thrones and the gay pride parade are very different, one of them is a lot of men in elaborate costumes riding bareback and sword fighting, and the other is game of thrones!
some very sad news today as well, according to khloe kardashian, bruce jenner and chris jenner are now living apart.  i dont care either.  they have refused to get a divorce though, because so far it is not in the script...'
- ethan hawke
- jamie chung

6-06-13

+ 'there's a huge scandal in washington', craig ferguson shares, 'its been a very rough couple of weeks for obama.  this comes on the heels of the irs scandal, and before that it was ben gazi.  even the crack head mayor of toronto was like 'rough week, ehe?'  next we'll find out that obama was behind last week's game of thrones wedding!  phone hacking, the reality is that both republicans and democrats in congress have both come out in defense of collecting this data.  as every good american knows, when republicans and democrats agree on something in congress, it is time to be very very worried indeed!  they are evil.  'but craig, they are democratically..'  yes, i know what they are, but they are evil.  congress actually gave the white house authority to spy on the phones under president bush.  but experts say that the cell phone snooping go as far back as president clinton.  it wasn't as organized back then, it was just clinton dialing up women going 'what are you wearing?'.'
- betty white
- sarah paulson

6-05-13

+ 'hey, did you see the country music awards earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'i haven't seen it yet because we're live, don't tell me, but i'm really hoping that the guy with the cowboy hat and the big belt buckle wins!  he's my favorite!  when he sings that song about things going wrong, it gets me every time!  he's like 'things were goin' right, then they went wrong.  things were all messed up inside, but i'm gonna just keep movin'.'  i think i just won a country music award!  anyway, the country music awards, they gave a life time achievement award to whiskey this year as well, for contributions to country music.  whiskey, tequila, and pot- the big three!  well, for willie nelson anyway.  the country music awards, no one goes home empty handed, the winners get trophies and the losers have something to write about for their next song!  a lot of big stars at the cmt's, rumor was that taylor swift was going to make an appearance in something shocking- like a stable relationship!  take that, innocent girl i've never met!'
# sanjay gupta
= gretchen wilson

6-04-13

+ 'there's a new book out today', craig ferguson states, 'i know what your thinking, 'craig, what's a book?'  well, imagine its a blog printed out all over on bits of paper.  imagine loads of text messages all smooshed together!  the new book out today called 'joy land' is by an up and coming author named stephen king.  now, stephen king is getting a lot of flack because he refuses to release the book digitally.  he doesn't want you reading it on a tablet or phone.  its only coming out on pages made of paper.  take that trees, you leafy wooden bastards!  i think that if stephen king doesn't want to put out an electronic version of the book he shouldn't have to.  he's a great american writer, he has earned the right to do whatever the hell he wants.  but when he started out, critics did not like his books.  over time though, things changed.  just like this show, minus the part about things changing...  king's new book joyland takes place in a creepy old amusement park.  its about a carnie.  carnies are terrifying, except carnie wilson, who is adorable.  with or without the stomach staples she is just lovely!'
- bill maher
-> cat cora

6-03-13

+ 'its a very historic day for law enforcement', craig ferguson informs, 'the supreme court has ruled that police now have the right to take DNA samples.  oh dear!  this decision has split the court.  judge scolia said that it establishes a terrifying precedent, obama's administration has said that its the right thing to do, and anthony wiener said 'who wants to see my penis?'.  now when you get arrested you have to get your finger printed and your cheek swabbed.  even if you are reese witherspoon!  we already have a database of everyone's fingerprints, and the plan is to have a database of everyone's dna.  and that way we can find out how many children arnold schwarzanegger really has!  the dna testing has changed many things, it made the game of clue go much faster.  'we've tested everyone's dna, professor plum, you did it.  everyone else, you may go home'.  dna evidence will be used even more in courtrooms now.  do you remember the oj simpson trial?  the dna evidence was very new back then, so the jury felt more comfortable relying on evidence they could trust, like rhymes.  'if the glove don't fit, you must acquit!'  it rhymes!  so that proves it!  every time there is new technology in law enforcement people get a bit uneasy.  i'm sure people were probably against finger printing when it started in the late 1800's.  i'll have to ask larry king since he was around at the time.'
= steven tyler
- olga kurylenko

5-31-13

+ 'a new movie is out today that i'm very excited about', craig ferguson states, 'it doesn't have any superheroes or space ships or vin diesels or any of that, which means no one will go see it.  its called 'now you see me' and its about everyone's favorite subject: magic!  'now you see me' is a phrase often used by magicians, like 'hocus pocus', or 'abra kadabra', or 'where's everybody going?'  its not that difficult to be a magician, all you need is a cape, a top hat, and a willingness to sell your soul to satan in exchange for mystical powers.  and by 'mystical powers' i mean an endless stream of colorful handkerchiefs!  magic has changed over the years, i used to like the old school magicians.  i don't like modern day magicians, they don't even do magic!  david blaine, 'i'm going to hold my breath for 17 days'.  that's not magic, that's a remedy for hiccups!'
- kathy griffin
- scott adsit
= bad rabbits

5-30-13

+ 'its the big sporting event of the year for me', craig ferguson shares, 'tonight was the finals of the scripts national spelling bee.  i live for it, i l-i-v-e for it!  the finals were broadcast on espn.  wouldn't you think something like this would be on the learning channel?  then again, you wouldn't think the learning channel would show something like honey boo boo either!  now with spell check, some people think that spelling is of little use, its because on of those skills that have become obsolete.  like repairing steam engines, or like hosting a network talk show.. its become an obsolete thing.  anyway, people forget that spell check can only tell you if you spelled correctly, not if you are using the correct word.  i found that out the hard way when i asked friends to meet me at the pubic library.  geoff was the only one that showed up!  i didn't even invite him, he was already there, leafing through the periodicals...  anyway, the winner of the spelling bee wins thirty thousand dollars cash!  i cant imagine what i would have spent that kind of money on when i was fourteen.  yes i can- cocaine!'
- jeff garlin
- anne heche

5-29-13

+ 'if you know anything about me, you know i wait for this day all year', craig ferguson states, 'today is the 60th anniversary of the first men to climb mount everest.  that's the big holliday for me!  sir edmond hillary and tensing norgay, they climbed the world's tallest mountain, 29,000 feet.  that's very high, very high indeed!  how high is it?  as high as a kardashian's waxing bill, its as high as the mayor of toronto, its as high as the pope's hat closet, its as high as willie nelson at a snoop dogg concert, its as high as kim jung un standing on dennis rodman.  now, edmond hillary was a kiwi, a kiwi is from new zeeland.  they are kind of like australians, except they have a fuzzy outer skin.  and no pouch like the australians.  tensing norgay was hillary's guide up mount everest, he was an ethnic sherpa, a native of napal.  he had lived mount everest but he had never climbed it.  then along came edmond hillary and he was like 'do you want to touch my fuzzy outer skin?'  anyway, the top of mount everest, its called 'the death zone'.  if you stay there your body doesn't get enough oxigen and you can quickly spiral into a black depression that feels like dying but you are still conscious.  there's a similar place in california, its called los angeles!'
- howie mandel
- brit marling

5-28-13

+ 'here's the news from memorial weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'the fast and furious movie, it make a gasprillian dollars!  i'm going to go see this movie, and i'm not even a car guy.  i don't know the difference between double clutching and granny shifting.  i thought granny shifting was what cbs did during sweeps!  and the star of this movie is, of course, vin diesel.  which i think is the perfect name for an action star: vin diesel. i couldn't come up with a better one if i tried!  but i will anyway:  flin buckshot, grant meatfist, gnarl thrustgullet, j.t. asskicker, blaze cracklethrob.  in the new movie vin diesel and his crew come out of retirement for one last job, which, if i'm not mistaken, they did in the last two movies, and probably the next two movies as well, which you know there will be more.  it also stars dwayne 'the rock' johnson.  between dwayne 'the rock' johnson and vin diesel, the dialogue is sensational!  its like shakespeare... when he goes to the bathroom.  the producers said today they are only going to start filming fast and furious 7 when the script is just right... ha ha ha! come one!  they filled it already, they filmed it on an iphone over the weekend!  the thing is though, in the next one, who is going to be the bad guy?  its a tough roll to fill.  its got to be someone who is available, who is passionate about cars, and who audiences will accept as a ruthless villain who is capable of anything.  jay leno!  that's who its going to be: jay leno!  no offense to vin diesel and the rock, but their bald asses wouldn't stand a chance against leno's gray hair!'
- ellen page
* george stroumboulopoulos

5-27-13

+ 'it is, of course, memorial day', craig ferguson exclaims, 'when we honor the men and women who defended this country, and to them i say thank you.  every year as americans we celebrate memorial day the best way we know how: by having sales at mattress stores and car dealerships. that's how we say thanks!  today is when the car dealerships bring out the heavy artillery: the big blowy guys out front!  a lot of americans get the three day weekend, not this american.  i've been a citizen for five years, how long before i get a day off, huh?  the only way i can get a day off is if i some how pretaped a show...  but i just wouldnt do that.  you know who gets a day off today?  jay leno.  he gets a day off.  he's about to get a bunch of days off, actually.  i probably shouldnt joke about that cause he might end up hosting this show!'
- ben kingsley
- alia shawkat

5-22-13

+ 'tonight's show is a little different', craig ferguson warns, 'i mean, some things will be the same, i'm going to go back and then come out in a minute and people will cheer, then i'm going to go 'great day for america', then the audience is going to pretend i haven't been here, you will be like 'why does he always come out then even though he's already been on...?'  all that will be the same, but my only guest tonight will be my friend stephen fry.  now, i warn you, stephen is an out spoken man, he has views that you may find difficult, and you may find they make you angry or upset.  let this be the point when i say to you 'maybe this is a good night to get an early night'.  if you don't mind engaging in a bit of mental gymnastics with stephen, then please stay. i'd love you to stay because he is a fascinating, brilliant, intelligent man.  as the evening goes on we will talk about stuff that is challenging to talk about and think about.  it wont all be cheeky monkeys, but there will be some of that.  all i'm saying is this: this is a late night show, and sometimes i take advantage of that.  i do hope you will too.'
- stephen fry

5-21-13

+ 'its a great day to be in sweden', craig ferguson shares, 'but then again, when isn't it a great day to be in sweden?  sweden is full of gorgeous blondes with long flowing hair and casual attitudes toward sex.  the women are hot too!  i read today in stockholm, which is a town in sweden- the capitol, they have opened the worlds first museum devoted exclusively to abba!  now, if you dont like abba go and join al quida!  actually, even al quida love abba!  this museum in sweden claims to have the worlds biggest collection of abba memorabilia.  they clearly haven't seen my bedroom!   i love abba, when i was younger hearing an abba song made me instantly happy, it would wake me right up.  all i wanted to do was stay up and play more abba.  no, wait, hold on, i'm thinking of cocaine...'.'
- zach galifianakis
- andrea riseborough

5-20-13

+ 'we are almost done with may sweeps', craig ferguson states, 'sweeps, that's the time when networks pull out all the stops to get the ratings up.  sweeps, if you don't know, is very important to the likes of us who work in television.  its the time when you have to amp up your game, which i think is not right.  you know, a lot of shows amp up their game and i think what about the people who watch every night?  what, they don't matter the rest of the time?  so tonight i have decided to provide the same level of crap that i always provide.  it wont be any better, in fact as we continue with the show at this point it will probably be on the down side...  this year a lot of shows are pulling some crazy stunts: on glee one of the actors is going to come out as straight, on the voice shakira's hips are going to lie, on keeping up with the kardashians they are going to circumcise khloe!  they do this for the ratings, the ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that wont be answered until the next time the show is on.  you know, like 'who shot j.r.?'  i like to think that every night when people watch this show the question is 'is this still on?  why is this still on?!?'  i don't look at the nielsen ratings.  i don't think you want to win the ratings in late night anyway.  look at what happened at nbc.  look what happened!  who's been number one on nbc for 20 years?  what happened? fired! fired! twice!'
- heather graham
* david benioff

5-17-13

+ 'i've just been checking all my bits and i'll tell you why', craig ferguson informs, 'i am now 51. today.  here's the thing, though, i am now north of fifty.  this is it, this is the home stretch now.  i'm officially in the AARP, i want teenagers off my lawn, every time i go to the doctor they are putting more and more things up my ass.  when i went to the doctor when i was thirty it was like 'how do you feel?' 'awesome', 'well, out you go!'  now its like 'well, we will be putting this one in, and we got another one over here, we've got the camera, you've met the teamsters, they are coming...'  my ass is catnip for doctors!  anyway, 51.  now what?  more of this?  that's not cheering me up!  i don't feel any different, i can see that i look different, i mean i look in the mirror and i'm like 'what the hell?'  what has changed since 50?  well, my testicles are even lower.  now i have to be careful when i put on my shoes.  one wrong move and i'm limping all day...  one of the great advantages of getting older is that you really really start to not give a rat's ass.  i mean, really!  am i right, old people?  as a kid i was like 'i don't care what you think, man!' but i did, i really cared what you thought.  but now i really don't care what you think!  people are like 'craig!  you cant do that!'  who says, you jerk?!?  its awesome!  51 is the new punk rock!'
- william shatner
- natalie dormer

5-16-13

+ 'its a great day for america because we have a new american idol!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'hurrah... congratulations, you...  you had me when you sang that song about love and stuff.  then the fans of the other person were like 'boo!' and randy jackson was like 'dog' and stuff.  i don't watch that crap.  they are in trouble in the ratings these days, they are down 40 percent since last year.  this is true, this season american idol was beaten by duck dynasty in the ratings!  duck dynasty, you know, they show with two dudes sitting there in a tree going 'that a duck?' 'nope, that aint a duck, that's a quail'.  that's the show that beat american idol!  if you don't know duck dynasty, its like honey boo boo, but replace the girl with a duck...'
- paul reiser
- yunjin kim

5-15-13

+ 'ill tell you why i'm excited', craig ferguson states, 'the cannes film festival started today.  i'm very excited, its a great day if you love cinema.  its a great day for those who love cinema, which is everyone, and for those people who love the french- the french!  anyone who is anyone in show business is in france right now.  i know what you are thinking, 'but craig, you are here in los angeles'.  exactly!  i am lower on the show business ladder than justin bieber's monkey!  the cannes film festival, we took the show to france a couple of years ago.  today in fance, the cannes film festival, the whole concept is ridiculous- these hollywood people spend thousands of dollars to fly to france, then spend a week sitting inside a movie theater!  they never see france!  we have movie theaters in l.a.!  its like going to a strip club for the buffet- its stupid!  its like going to a dodgers game to see a winning team!  wait, to be fair, you will see a winning team at a dodgers game, it just wont be the dodgers...'
- ice-t
> paula poundstone

5-14-13

+ 'i know what your thinking', craig says as he reads a newspaper, 'your thinking 'what the hell is that, craig?'  its a newspaper, its what stupid people used to read before twitter...  i look forward to your outrage.  anyway, so in the usa today, its a great paper and there's people in it and stuff, you know how they've always got the chart?  i'm looking at the chart today, it says 'most popular hot dog condiments'.  i'm thinking 'oh, this is going to be controversial!'  it says at 22 percent, the most popular hot dog condiment is cheese.  i'm like 'cheese isn't a condiment!'  then i thought that maybe in the context of a hot dog it is a condiment.  you know, if its melty and you pour it on your sausage.  and also, the second most popular is chili.  also, i would argue, is not a condiment!  but in the context of a hot dog you put it on your sausage.  18 percent.  third most popular, 13 percent, is onions.  onions also- not a condiment!  and finally, bringing up the rear, as it were, the least two popular condiments are mustard and ketchup.  mustard 12 percent, ketchup 8 percent.  first of all, only two condiments listed here, mustard and ketchup, and then i'm thinking i like mustard and ketchup.  all the other things are fine, but if push comes to shove, like, if the devil appeared and said 'you may only have one condiment for the rest of your life, which would it be?'  i'd be like 'ketchup' of course!  here's what i realized:  this show is for the 8 percent.  this is the ketchup of late night television.  were are the least popular condiment, but at least we are one...'
- ray liotta
> deanne smith
= pistol annies

5-13-13

+ 'its a great day today if you like robots', craig ferguson states, 'here's the thing, a new study has come out that says by the year 2030, household robots will dominate every phase of our lives.  so far, we've only got a robot that can lift its arm, right geoff?  but the technology is moving faster.  i'm all for robots doing work for us, but to be honest, do we humans need to be any lazier?  really?  have you been to vegas recently?  there's like a sea of rascal scooters the minute you get in there!  the study also says that robot driven cars are less than five years away!  robot driven cars!  i've got mixed feelings about it, its sounds cool, but its tricky for late night douche bags like me.  it would mean the end of the celebrity DUI!  what are we going to talk about?  and some of these cars will be voice activated, the engine turns on whenever they hear reese witherspoon say 'do you know who i am?!?'  you know what i like in movies, though, is that robots always go nuts when they're given the emotion chips so they can feel real feelings.  now, i hope they never do that sort of thing with household robots.  i don't ever want a vacuum cleaner capable of feeling shame...'
- john cho
- sara rue

5-10-13

+ 'there's a big movie out today that i'm excited about', craig ferguson states, 'the great gatsby.  leonardo di caprio is a billionaire who can have any woman he wants and never seems to be happy.  i dont know what he plays in the movie, but leonardo is...  the great gatsby is based on f. scott fitzgerald's novel.  i was surprised when i saw that it was in 3D though, i think what they want to do is they want to use fitzgerald's sardonic critique of materialism to come right at you!  doing it in 3D, they should have jazzed up the title as well, they should have called it 'too fast, too gatsby' or something.  this is the fifth time someone's made a film version of gatsby.  five film versions of great gatsby, and not a single version of snookie's book!  good job, hollywood!'
- tom lennon
- cat deeley

5-09-13

+ 'the big news this week is from belgium', craig ferguson states, 'how often do you hear that?  'big news from belgium!'  what?  belgium, of course, is the home of jean claude van damm and papa smurf.  i like him, he's like an old man leprechaun.  and papa smurf is nice too...  in belgium they finally captured the jewel thieves who got away with 50 million bucks worth of diamonds in february.  here's what happened: the diamonds were on a plane in brussels airport when a van cut in front of them and then a bunch of guys busted out of the van and stole the diamonds!  anyway, the police in belgium described it as a spectacular robbery.  but the jewel heist was brazen, when i first heard about it i thought there's only one man who could pull this off: jason statham!  you know what i want to know is, why were there 50 million dollars worth of diamonds being shipped out of belgium all at once?  they should have divided the shipment into tiny portions, just like i do with my meth!  just like that!  i've said too much...  yesterday the belgium police arrested 31 people involved in the heist   that's a lot of people.  50 million dollars sounds like a lot, but when you split it 31 ways, it hardly seems worth the effort and the risk.  they say that some of the jewel thieves may still be at large.  one of the jewel thieves who was captured yesterday is also a lawyer, which is a shame, because now lawyers will get a bad reputation!'
- bob saget
- sarah hyland

5-08-13

+ 'do you know whats going on that i'm actually keeping an eye on?' craig ferguson asks, 'i'm worried about it, that volcano in alaska, its been erupting for like five days.  we are in volcano watch 2013.  its like a documentary here!  the alaska volcano is millions of years old and last weekend it started giving off massive blasts of gas.  you could probably do your own larry king joke anytime you want here...  if you want to see a volcano without going to alaska, you can always go to the mirage in las vegas.  that's awesome, they have an artificial volcano out front.  people like to go to vegas and see that hot red mess.  kind of like carrot top! anyway, i'm talking about the volcano in alaska.  i've never been to alaska, but i would love to go.  it is a huge state.  its so white and vast and frozen that early settlers gave it the nickname 'nicole kidman's forehead'.  alaska is one of our least visited states.  i blame their slogan, 'alaska: you'll freeze your balls off'.  they've got some weird laws in alaska, this is true, it is against the law in alaska to wake a sleeping bear.  who's going to break that law?  'awe, what the hell, i've had a couple drinks, i'm going to wake a sleeping bear!'  in west hollywood, if you wake a sleeping bear he'll buy you lunch!'
-lauren graham
= ben dukes

5-07-13

+ 'remember how i told you over the weekend', craig ferguson's story begins, 'that one of the toilets, i have more than one toilet in my house- oh, swanky! but one of them blew up and covered the house in poop.  it wasn't me!  i didn't run around doing it!  it was a complete accident.  anyway, i thought who's weekend could be worse than that?  then i found out about the rolling stones.  did you hear about this?  over the weekend the rolling stones played here in l.a. at the staple center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats.  and i'm thinking that people in l.a. were thinking 'well, if we wanted to see old guys shuffling around past their prime we would just go see the lakers!' boom!'
- ryan seacrest
- andrea osvart