3-04-09

+ with desmond tutu visiting the show, craig ferguson shares about his plight: 'south africa has a fascinating history which i will try to sum up for you quickly so you don't get the feeling im giving you 'information'- all the stuff you don't come to the show for. basically south africa, as i understand it, is like this: things were going fine for the people living there until the dutch showed up in about the 17th century and they started colonizing. by the way, 'colonizing' is an old fashioned word which means 'stealing stuff from countries that don't belong to you'. anyway, the dutch colonies of south africa suffered a horrendous catastrophe that made a bad situation even worse: the catastrophe known as the british arriving. the british, what they did was sail down to south africa and saw a land rich in diamonds and gold and said: 'i say, this place is splendid, i love it here, all we have to do is kill all the dutch people'. which basically lead to the first bore war, that leads to the second bore war called 'bore war 2: the legend of curly's gold'. yackity yack, stuff happened, world war 1, world war 2... 1948, i think, the national party takes over south africa, institutes apartheid, a great idea... by the 80's south africa was a racist hellzone.

nelson mandela was sentenced to life in a south african prison, so desmond tutu traveled all over the world making the argument that doing business with a racist south africa regime was immoral. there were a few holdouts, people who apposed sanctions against south africa, like margaret thatcher, darth vader, and goldfinger. what happened is that bishop tutu succeeded in getting dozens of nations to enact tough sanctions that hit the apartheid regime right in the trousers, in the end apartheid crumbled, mandela was released from prison, and was elected as president. mandela even invited the man who tried to have him executed to his election ceremony. that's got to be awkward! thats like inviting your ex wife to your wedding. 'so, hows things since you had me killed? chicken or fish?'

- archbishop desmond tutu

3-03-09

+ craig ferguson informs us that 'today the l.a. county board supervisors have declared the first week of march, and i'm not kidding you, 'no swearing week'. no swearing in l.a. and christian bale just left town- coincidence? i'm not going to swear here on television, here at CBS we can't say more than carlin's seven words, i'm not kidding, i cannot say the name of certain animals! like for instance a semi aquatic rodent. i cant tell you what it is. i don't understand what the problem is, it's just a cute wet soft ball of fur... you know the whole concept of the swear word is strange to me, you create words that are naughty to say, and then you don't let yourself say them- it's pointless! what the hell is that?!?'
- kristin davis
* wolfgang puck

intro other shows

this was the first night that jimmy fallon started his new show, so cbs tried to counter his audience by having his rival, craig ferguson, host the night with introductions to each of cbs's primetime shows. he appeared with paris hilton, his guest that night on the show.

he introduced the big bang theory, two and a half men, and how i met your mother. each time acting as if he were in his dressing room at cbs, just hanging out with paris hilton.

'you really live here, craig?' asks paris. 'its all i can afford on my cbs salary' responds craig. paris replies 'but it's old, it's dirty, and it smells like a hobo.' 'remind you of anyone?' quibs craig.

'i've never been someplace that didn't have a line outside of it' states paris. 'yeah, it's great, isn't it?' asks craig. 'i thought you said there would be other people here' paris questions. 'nope. just you , me, and the puppets' craig replies. 'your very creepy' states paris. 'thank you!' responds craig.

3-02-09

+ 'two big pieces of news from iran,' craig tells us, 'cause i always get the news from iran... ithe first is that the CIA believes they will turn on their secret nuclear reactor any day now, and the second is they are demanding an apology from hollywood. are these things related? i hope not, actually. yesterday the arts and cinema advisor to the iranian president, akmood ma-dinner-jacket, has demanded an apology. he pointed out the movies he didn't like: '300', and 'the wrestler'. he said they were offensive because they portrayed iranians in a negative light. what?!? i dont understand what's offensive about '300'. in that movie the persians (iranians), are sexually ambiguous oiled up party boys with abs of steel. i'd pay money to be portrayed like that! hollywood doesnt apologize for anything ever. like i've seen dozens of crap movies in my life, and no ones apologizing to me! but then again, i don't have nuclear weapons. oh, wait, neither does iran...'
+infomercial: brick johnson, greatest hits album 'hard times'
- paris hilton
* dee dee myers

2-20-09

+ 'its friday, of course, a great day for hollywood!' craig ferguson cheers, 'it's the countdown to the oscars. in less than 48 hours from now the academy of motion pictures arts and sciences will bestow its highest honor on a movie you've never seen!' the crowd laughs, 'oh, thats right, you've seen them all, you lying bastards! sunday is the 81st oscars, some people call it the gay super bowl. it kind of is, its the gayer bowl.'
+ dave foley stops by as a representative for the banks
- rosie o'donnell
= the knux

2-19-09

+ 'a swiss bank is giving out information on accounts to the CIA.' craig ferguson shares, 'quite surprising that the swiss are finally letting down their veil of secrecy, switzerland is famous for being discreet, in any war the swiss are always neutral 'oh, a massive war is ravishing europe, oh, we'll take everyone's money. oh, we'll make sure its safe, it'll be right here when you get finished killing each other...' see when other countries get ready to fight, switzerland offers to hold their jackets, then when everyone is fighting they take the wallets from the jackets...'
+ steven wright stops by to help with emails
- paula abdul
- carl edwards, nascar driver

2-18-09

+ 'welcome to show 830', craig informs us, 'a very special show for us, 830. wow, it seems like only yesterday we were doing show 829...' in celebration of this special event, craig took a special fire safty course so that he could light a sparkler on stage! then he messes it all up by putting the sparkler in the mouth of a dinosaur hand puppet- he actually gets in a ton of trouble for breaking the fire code!
'kate moss, the supermodel, says she just started wearing a bra. she said she didn't get boobs until she was 35, i was like wow! thats exactly the same age i grew mine!'

+ craig's valentines day spectacular!

- wynonna

- peter bart

2-17-09

+ 'i'm seeing these things about obama,' craig ferguson shares, 'i read an article last week saying 'is obama's presidency already a failure?' im like 'huh?' how long has he been doing it? i mean the guy was worshiped like a messiah two months ago, he takes office, and now they turn on him. what i think has happened to obama is this: it's kinda like george w bush was in the restroom before him, walked out and went away, obama walked in, and he's found something aweful and it wont go away. he's like 'i cant be here', so he walks out of the room, just in time to meet an attractive woman who's about to go in. he's like 'that wasnt me in there' and she's like 'oh yeah, sure it wasnt you...'
- bill maher
- chris klein

2-16-09

+ craig ferguson gives tips for sucess: 'i'll be like tony robbins! telling people to be forceful by moving your arms when you talk- be winner! i think when you move your arms on purpose like that when you talk you look like someone in an old timey movie trying to be italian 'what's a come and a go!' 'its a tootsie fruitsy ice cream!' body language that works for tony robbins doesnt necessarily work for anyone else cause he's a giant. and i don't mean a legend, i mean an actual giant! he lives on a magic beanstalk, he gets angry if you try to steal his singing harp. i sat by him at a restaurant once and he's huge! he was eating pigs in a blanket, but they were actual pigs in a blankets! i'm sorry its a grizzly picture, someone should tell you!'
- david boreanaz
- philip johnson
= zach brown band

2-13-09

+ 'friday the 13th' opens up today, its a very scary movie. right now the scariest thing at the movies is the price of admission! hey hey! i just turned into andy rooney right there: 'don't you hate that?' that's right, i blame all my bad jokes on andy rooney. anyway, the movie is about a guy who goes around terrorizing young women. the clinical name for someone like that is chris brown. its a movie about a guy who wears a hockey mask. i'm surprised really, that the nhl are ok with hockey being associated with violence, you would think that they wouldn't like that...'
+ michael caine in spain
- tom selleck
= glen campbell

2-12-09

+'Today is, of course, abraham lincoln's birthday', craig ferguson informs us. 'happy b-day abe! to honor this occasion the u.s. mint is releasing a new penny that shows abraham lincoln's house, which is appropriate cause thats how much a house is worth these days...''its a bad day for the satalite radio. you know, the serius xm radio, they are filing for bankruptcy- it's terrible, cause i love satalite radio. if youve never heard satellite radio, you usually get in in the rental cars, but i have one in my home. because i live in a rental car. the guy who's renting it doesn't seem to mind, and im quite happy there, we get along.'
+ steven wright stops by during emails
- lewis black
- shirley manson

2-11-09

+ 'hey, you know what's quite exciting?' craig asks, 'in egypt this week archaeologists dug up a three thousand year old tomb that was packed full of mummies- not just one, it was packed! that's fantastic! in the future, when they dig up LA, all they will find is silicone implants! they'll say 'people of ancient times came with airbags i see...'

+ access extratainment tonight

- steve coogan

- connie britton

2-10-09

+ 'its a great day to be a dog', craig ferguson admits, 'today is the finals of the westminster dog show. i am definitely a dog person, i love dogs. i've said it before, if you dont like dogs then go and join your buddies in al qaida! on you go, you bastard! off you go to torabora you dog hating communist! i love talking about the dog shows as well because cbs cant stop me from saying 'bitch!' the westminster dog show is the grandaddy of them all. its like the oscars of dog shows, the speeches are shorter though. there's slightly less butt sniffing at the dog show. the dogs are judged by a very odd criteria: their coats, eye shape, and their testicles. it's actually exactly like the oscars, now that i think of it...'

+ michael caine in spain

- sean combs

- olivia williams

grammys

this past weekend craig ferguson appeared on the grammy awards. he was an introducer and he introduced katy perry, then she came on and sang.

2-09-09

+ there was a big movie over the weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'it was called 'he's just not that into you'. and according to the surveys most of the people who saw it were women. actually, all the people who saw it were women. and me. i'm kidding, i didn't see it, but it wont stop me from talking about it! i'll just make stuff up- i'm like rush limbaugh except i can see my own pee pee. now, the easiest way to tell if a guy is into you is if he's willing to see 'he's just not that into you' with you. then he's into you. or gay.'

+ bono and the edge at the grammys

- michael clark duncan

= adele

* richard zoglin

magic week

this week was magic week and craig has had a different magician on each day, including lance burton, ed alonzo, jason hudy, and jason randal. the best part of magic week was the introductions of the magician each day by neil patrick harris! he is a big fan of magic and hosted an award show for magicians recently. he was hilarious- one of the intro started out like this: 'a lot of people wonder why magicians always wear tuxedos. i'll tell you why they wear tuxedos, its because they are effing classy!'

2-06-09

+ 'the grammys are this weekend,' craig ferguson starts, 'a lot of people have criticized the grammys for being out of touch, and you can see their point. even the name 'grammy' is short for gramaphone- the ward is a big old record player with a horny thing. they are a bit out of touch, there have been some glaring embarassments in grammy history, like the time when jethro tull won best heavy metal album over metalica. how can that happen?!? jethro tull has a flute, they've got a flute in jethro tull! a flude is not heavy metal unless you're a hobbit!'

- kristen bell

magic: craig saws kristen bell in half!

= alex kapranos, lead singer of franz ferdinand talks and sings

2-05-09

+ there's a leak in the late late show's studio, and craig ferguson warns us in his intro 'brace yourselves everyone, this could get damp...'

+ this situation leads to one of craigs funniest, angriest monologues in a long time: 'its not such a great day here in the glamorous land of show business... look!' craig points to a bucket on the floor, 'now, you probably cant tell by looking out the window, but it's raining here in las angeles, and guess what? even though i have the best studio in television, its leaking!!!' craig yells angrily. 'have you no shame, cbs? have you no shame? this is outrageous. here's a clue, im originally from scotland and i came to live in l.a., can you guess why? i'll press through, i'll press through.

we'll do the show anyway, and you know why? why not... its only rain. although im a bit scared, not of rain, i'm just a bit scared generally. i thought when i stopped drinking i would be done playing places with buckets on the floor...'

- gary shandling a legend, and through out the interview continually compliments craig on the funny rantings about the leaky roof

magic: ed alonzo

email magic

in honor of magic week, craig ferguson unveils another email jingle, this one features all kinds of magical imagry, including craig dressed up as a magical wizard!

2-04-09

+ today was not such a great day on wall street,' craig ferguson explains, 'because the president opened up a can of whoop-ass on the wall street fat cats. obama's putting salary caps for executives that work for companies that take the government bailout money. these CEOs are furious because the limit to what they can make is five hundred thousand dollars. cry me a fucking river! half a million dollars! now that might sound like a lot of money, but you've got to remember a lot of these guys live in manhattan where an orange juice costs twenty grand, but still... for most of these wall street clowns thats a huge pay cut, some of them had been making hundreds of millions a year. they say these huge salaries were justified because it took a lot of hard work to drive these magnificent companies into the ground. these arent just run of the mill execs were talking about, these guys are the cream of the crap. they have a point because anybody at all, you, me, fabio, anybody can make stupid decisions and reduce a banks capital to zero, but it takes a genius to go straight past zero and end up billions of dollars in the red!

+ a talk with a joe biden impersonator

- samuel l. jackson

magic: jason hudy

2-03-09

+ as always, its a great day for america, craig ferguson tells us, 'but not such a great day for batman, or as he's known in real life, the actor christian bale. its all over the interwebs today, its five minutes of christian bale yelling at a guy, now we cant play the tape for you because the language is not appropriate for tv. its a lot of what the kids call 'f-bombs'. theres a couple 'mf-bombs, and actually there are some z-bombs. that's right, he was so mad he was making up cuss words that began with the letter z... i'm out raged too, everybody. everyone who's heard this tape says its very offensive, except of course for governor blagojavich who says its kind of amateur, not really cussy enough.'

- robin williams

magic: jason randal

2-02-09

+ today is the start of magic week!

'did you watch the super bowl yesterday?' asks craig ferguson, 'me too! now here's the thing- the tv stations in arizona during the super bowl- did you hear about this?- they accidentally put on thirty seconds of porn in the middle of the game! it was the most disturbing thing broadcast during a football game since they accidentally showed the detroit lions! people were frightened! everyone in arizona was surprised by this porn, they thought the referees were the only ones who sucked, but no...

+ espn uk

- alfred molina

magician: lance burton

1-30-09

+ the super bowl is only two days away and craig ferguson shares about football: 'you may be surprised to know that i am a big football fan, it certainly surprised the hell out of me! cause one minute i'm sitting in a european cafe smoking, smelling my own body oder, the next minute i'm wearing a helmet made out of nachos slamming my face into a bowl of guacamole. then i came to america. where i grew up football was different. it was about kicking a ball with our feet. i don't know where we came up with the name 'football', it seems so stupid now... where i grew up the game itself was quite tame, we kept the extreme violence in the stands. so when i saw a game where the violence is actually built into the game, i thought 'thats the way to do it- let the people who are getting paid knock the hell out of each other!'.'

- michael sheen

> russell peters

= sharon jones and the dap kings

1-29-09

+ 'the series premiere of 'hell's kitchen' was on earlier tonight, craig ferguson says, 'i love 'hell's kitchen'! you know, with the people competing and the food and cooking. it's like project runway for people who actually eat food. i don't know why they call it 'hell's kitchen', the food in hell would be terrible. it would be all burnt and smelling like brimstone and everything. do they even have a kitchen in hell? maybe that's why satan chose it, you know, because of the kitchen! 'oh, i dont know, the views not very nice. oh! look at this kitchen! i could get so busy in here! i could put my pots right there, and look, the bedroom is right there, oh and chaney's room is over here...'. whenever i here the name 'hell's kitchen' i think of the movie '300'. now bear with me, i'll tell you why: you know the movie about 300 spartans? right before the fight the leader of the spartans yells 'tonight we dine in hell!' to me that sounds like a monty python sketch: 'tonight we dine in hell!' 'well, what are we having?' 'why do you want to know what we're having?' 'well, if im going to die, i'd like to know what were having for dinner, plus bill is a vegetarian and ian is lactose intolerant' 'ian? since when are spartans called ian?' 'ian henderson, he's our best swordsman. anyway, what are we having?' 'why do you want to know what we're having?' 'well, you brought it up...'' after realizing he had just gone off on a pretty strange tangent, craig comes back 'oh, sorry, i went somewhere else for a minute... what am i doing here?'

- dominic monaghan

- rosemarie dewitt

1-28-09

+ craig ferguson tell us of an ice storm that hit the east. 'an ice storm, i'll bet you there's a weatherman on a local news channel somewhere who's name is 'ice storm' i'll bet you. cause the weathermen love the weathery names. you've got stormy johnson, bob fog, jonny puddle. i think everyone in the news should have names that match their jobs. you know, 'here's the news with frank murder and susan carjack. and now sports with dick groinpull, dick?' i like weather, though we live in california so we don't really have weather. i like songs about the weather like 'raindrops keep falling on my head', 'it's raining men'- ah, the soundtrack to my dreams! you know who sand that song? they were called the weather girls. they only sang weather related songs: 'raining men', 'snowing boys', 'drizzling transexuals'... drizzling transexuals' was the name of a movie i accidentally rented twenty times... i'm just kidding, i was in it! i played 'dick groinpull'...'

+ henry winkler, super bowl ref.

- cuba gooding jr.

- frieda pinto she teaches craig how to dance

1-27-09

+ continuing the yodel theme he started the night before, craig ferguson has some monkeys sing along with the yodeling song.

+ 'a new study says they found a 'shy' gene', craig shares, 'scientists can look at a baby and determined if its going to be shy or outgoing. and i'm thinking 'oh, youre out of your mind!' who ever heard of a shy baby? it will take a crap right in front of you! now, i know scientists have discovered great things like electricity, phones, and computer porn, but i hate any scientific study that tries to explain human behavior. people cannot be broken down into equations. sure, there's certain genetic predispositions toward behavior, for instance, i have a genetic predisposition to drink too much, but at a certain point i took responsibility of not doing that. i also have a genetic predisposition to bedazzling my underwear... i'm still working on that one. what im trying to say is making a pathology out of human condition, i don't think thats right. it takes away all the responsibility from the individual. 'im not shy, i've got a condition', 'i'm not a theif, i've just got a gland in my neck that makes me a robbing bastard', 'im not a habitual liar, i'm just the governor of illinois.' at a certain point you've got to take responsibility. of course, the cure for that one is jail. what i'm saying is everyone's got personal responsibility. we are defined by our actions, not our genetic predispositions. i believe it was aristotle who said 'we are what we repeatedly do'. although in aristotle's case, that was young men.

+ dear aquaman skit, and 'michael caine in spain'

= rza talk and sing

- jared harris

ding dong vicar

this skit was a continuation of the new character craig ferguson introduced named sir cornwell barnes, a very stuffy english actor. this was introduced as one of barnes' acting jobs, the very famous british television series called 'ding dong vicar' in which the fictional barnes played a priest who's daughter (? priests dont have daughters!) is in her bedroom with her boyfriend.

the boyfriend (also played by craig) is inviting her out to go fishing, then accidentally gets his fishing pole stuck on her shirt and while trying to unhook the pole falls on her in a suggestive manner, at which point the priest walks in on them. he is terribly upset and thinks the worst and get really mad. hilarity ensues.

1-26-09

+ there is always a short two minute bit where craig ferguson talks before the show starts, today he doesn't talk- he sings! in the song craig teaches us how to yodel!

+ 'i recently did a show in nashville,' craig tells us, 'i had always wanted to go there since arriving in america, it only took me 14 years. i always wanted to go there, and pahrump nevada. i know what youre thinking: 'craig, is that cause of the legalized prostitution?' well, partly, but i also like their laissez faire attitude, naming their town after a fart! these people are relaxed! pahrump? come on, you know that back in the day there were a couple prospectors there around a fire 'well, what we gonna call this new town round here?' 'i don't know', the guy farts, 'that'll do!'.'

+ 'ding dong vicar' skit starring sir cornwell barnes

# chris matthews

> paul morrissey

inside the world of acting

in a new segment called 'inside the world of acting with sir cornwell barnes, craig ferguson plays a stuck up actor who thinks he is the best actor in the world. the skit revolves around him talking with other famous actors, which are just snippets of actual interviews others have done with the actors. sir cornwell barnes talks about the craft of acting in erudite terms then asks a question of the actor, but before they get a chance to answer he continues his own monologue about the skill and craft of his acting, never giving them a chance to respond.

its a pretty funny bit, but its a bit of a retread because craig has done this before with his character vance lebrea.

1-23-09

+ 'in scotland this weekend they celebrate burns night', craig ferguson shares, 'it's a huge event over there, its like st. patricks day and super bowl sunday all wrapped into one- there's a lot a drinking is what i'm trying to say. hurrah for alcoholism, you sick bastards... it's a day to celebrate the poet robert burns, who is considered scotland's favorite son. this sunday they celebrate his 250th birthday. he's a national icon, and its no wonder, cause during his lifetime he was an out of control drunk with a string of illegitimate children!'

+ 'inside the world of acting', with sir cornwell barnes

- james earl jones

1-22-09

+ 'today was the first day for hillary clinton as secretary of state', craig ferguson tells us, 'she's now in charge of all foreign affairs. bill clinton will still handle all domestic affairs... she's going to be out of the country a lot!'

'john mccain is on larry king live tonight, they talked about the biggest threat facing them both today, which is teenagers on their lawn.'

+ larry king of the jungle

- jennifer love hewitt

- matthew rhys

1-21-09

+ every night craig ferguson starts with a short two minute bit where he tries to get everyone to stay tuned for the show, usually he doesn't have much to say and often resorts to using puppets (which is usually very funny!). but today he's got something different: 'i know what you're thinking, 'he's got nothing to say', well you're wrong!' craig informs us, 'cause you know what i just heard? in washington dc president obama is retaking the oath of office. did you see it yesterday? there was a bit of a flub. there's an argument over if its obama's fault, or john g roberts jr's fault. oh, you'd know thats his name if you'd recently taken the citizen test! i had never heard of him before that, and lets be honest, neither had you. anyway, so he gets to take the oath of office again! i don't know if that's fair, i don't get to do this show again if it's crap, and lets be honest, it often is. maybe that's why they don't let me do it again, cause it'll just be crap again. so i will promise you this, loyal viewer. mrs. henderson in cincinnati, margaret, if i may call you that. could you imagine if you are someone called margaret henderson sitting in cincinnati going 'what the hell is this?!? how did he know about me?' oh, i know about you margaret- put on your house coat woman!'

+ talk with former president bush and vice president chaney

- trace adkins talks and sings, and he's actually pretty funny too!

* perez hilton

the soup

on the E! channel there is a show called 'the soup' hosted by joel mchale where he makes fun of the weeks television shows. joel has been on craig ferguson's show quite often. the last time joel was on craig asked him when he would get to be on 'the soup' and joel said whenever he wanted. being true to his word, craig was on 'the soup' on january 30!

joel mchale starts by saying 'on this week's episode of '24'...' and craig steps into camera and says 'woah woah woah! you can't just tell us whats happening on '24'!' joel responds 'hey! it's the star of the conveniently named 'late late show with craig ferguson', craig ferguson! i have to tell everyone what happened on '24', how else am i going to kill a minute of tv time? it's not like you can just ramble on for a solid minute and make everything entertaining and then just say 'it's reality show clip time' and hope it all makes sense!' craig replies 'you're saying something about my show, aren't you? you're saying that what i do on my show is go on and i ramble on and what i say doesn't make sense and i hope its entertaining! your saying that about my show, but let me tell you something, mister. but i dont go out there and tell them what's happening on '24', you don't want to tell them whats happening cause they might want to watch it again. and your going to ruin it cause 'ooh, look at me, i'm joel mchale with my skinny tie, and ooh, look how tall i am, i'm 25 foot tall! well you know what, pal? fuck you! and fuck your show! oh, it's reality show clip time!' the whole time craig kept busting up laughing and couldn't keep the smile off his face. he came back a couple minutes later to mock the show 'the city' from mtv.

1-20-09

+ today is inauguration day, and craig ferguson is excited. 'two million people were there in washington dc to see it happen, there, in the cold. now, i think obama owes a debt of gratitude to bush for that. the only reason the crowd was that big was because they were unemployed and they have the time. it was very emotional, some people in the crowd cried, the liberals i'm talking about mostly, haven't cried this much since... well, quite recently, i suppose. they cry all the time, they've got feelings 'boo hoo, i spilled my latte in my prius, boo hoo, now how will i get npr?'
+ u2 backstage at the inauguration
- joel mchale
= the submarines

1-19-09

+ 'it's martin luther king jr. day today', craig ferguson mentions, 'and isn't it fitting that, on his last day in office, president bush takes a holiday? it seems like the whole country's got inauguration fever, or at least 52% of the country, the other 48% seem to be immune... all the hotels in washington dc are overbooked, a lot of v.i.p.'s have got nowhere to stay. things are so bad, 'how bad are they craig?', i'll tell you how bad they are- things are so bad that bill and hillary have to share a room!'

+ michael caine in space

- sarah chalke

- jeffery dean morgan man, this guy is funny!

= seal

1-16-09

+ craig ferguson shares 'i read somewhere that women like scary movies so they can jump in their boyfriend's arms, which is a waste of money. if you really want to be scared, ladies, you should date a violent unpredictable drunk. yah, if you want to be scared... if you want a chick flick, date a gay guy. there you are, cause there are only two types of men out there, apearently: gay or violently unpredictable drunks. or, in very rare cases like myself, a dangerous hybrid of the two...'

+ michael caine in space

- dev patel

> greg proops

michael caine in space

one of my favorite bits, in this short recurring segment craig ferguson dresses up like michael caine in an astronaut suit and gives short little stories about being michael caine. usually it has something to do with 'shagging birds' or some wild party from the 60's. the best part is just hearing craig's spot-on impression of michael caine!

1-15-09

+ 'did you see that airplane landing in new york?!?' craig ferguson asks amazed, 'it's a great day for the people on that flight! wow! as far as we know all aboard are safe. it appears what happened is both engines went out when the plane hit a flock of geese', the crowd laughs, 'sure, you're laughing cause you're sitting here, you wouldn't be if you were sitting on the damn plane! the captain, sully sullenburger, he executed a water landing with no power. that's insanely difficult what he did, that is an amazing bit of flying. the only thing they lost was their luggage, and that was going to happen anyway...'

+ michael caine in space

- wanda sykes

= glasvegas

1-14-09

+ its an important milestone today and craig ferguson explains it to us: 'its a great day here at cbs, one of our own, broadcasting legend andy rooney, turns 90 years old today. congrats andy. if cbs is lucky, we will enjoy your trademark complaining for years to come. i don't understand why andy is so angry, he only works three minutes a week! the last andy rooney i saw, this is absolutely true, he was complaining that he had too much stuff in his kitchen drawers. what the hell is that? prime time cbs: a 90 year old guy complaining about his utensils 'don't you hate it when you have too many spatulas?'.'

+ a talk with a dick chaney impersonator

- john waters

* norah o'donnell

1-13-09

+ craig ferguson reminds us that 'obama starts work in one week, and president bush is giving his farewell address tomorrow night, it's going to air on three major networks, and nbc as well... obama starts next week and iranian protesters took to the streets today and they were burning posters of obama. i was thinking 'aw, come on! he's not even in office yet! i don't even think these guys are angry, i think they just like fire. i think it's just winter in iran, they're cold! 'oh come on, no one will know...'.'

+ dear aquaman

- kristen scott thomas

- joshua jackson

1-12-09

+ 'the detroit auto show is this week', craig ferguson informs us, 'the american automakers are showing off their cars, unfortunately the companies didn't get as much in the bail out as they thought they would get, so a ticket to the show costs 1.3 billion dollars, but its worth it! i like how at the auto show you look at all the cars and there's always a hot girl next to it showing it off. any car looks better if theres a hot girl on the hood! i don't know why they are there, is it so you know where the car is? 'hmm, i kind of don't recognize cars when i see them... oh look! a hot girl- oh a car is underneath her!' i feel bad for those models as well, cause it's the same question all day 'do you come with the car?' 'do you come with the car?' 'do you come with the car?', and the answer is always the same: 'no craig, i do not. put your pants back on and get out of here!'.'

- john corbett talks and sings

- tracie toms

1-09-09

+ always the perveyer of new movies, craig ferguson informs us that there are two new ones coming out. 'the first one is called 'bride wars', it's like 'star wars' for the ladies. its about two young ladies on their wedding day. it stars kate hudson and anne hathaway, because who knows more about healthy relationships than kate hudson and anne hathaway?

the other movie is 'unborn', about a girl with an evil twin. i think its based on the life of the olson twins. one of them is good, the other is evil. what are their names again? thats right, mary kate and osama...'

+ tim meadows reports from the golden globes

- ted danson

> paula poundstone performs and talks

1-08-09

+ with the consumer electronics show going on this week, craig ferguson has some things to share about it. 'lexus announced they have a talking car coming out. i don't need a fancy talking car, all i need is a smooth ride, comfortable seats, and a cup holder. it's all about the cup holder for me, i used to have an english car, but i had to get rid of it because it only had a cup holder for tea. and the GPS was very snooty, it was an english GPS. it would talk like 'what's a scottish guy like you doing in a fancy car like this? you can't afford this!'.'

+ rather late programme with prince charles

- amy sedaris

- dennis heysbert