4-11-13

+ 'its a great day for donald trump', criag ferguson states, 'here comes a donald trump joke, that means its a late night talk show right there, a late night staple.  he's going to be a grandfather, donald trump.  congratulations, trump.  its true, hes going to be a grandfather, that thing on his head is pregnant!  no its not, his daughter is pregnant i think.  the thing on his head lays eggs.'
- carl reiner
- anna chlumsky

4-10-13

+ 'it is a great day if you are a late night talk show host', craig ferguson states, 'which technically i am.  technically.  anyway, its a great day because former congressman anthony wiener is returning to politics!  listen, if you had to do this crap every day you would love it when you hear a wiener is running!  thats what we live for!  wiener running again? that takes balls!  then you can say things like 'i guess you cant keep a good wiener down!'  if you dont know, anthony wiener is the guy who texted his pictures, you know, he texted pictures of his junk.  when is that ever a great idea?  no matter how well you know the person you are sending it to, how drunk do you have to be?  now he says he might run for the mayor of new york city.  he's a democrat, but from what i've seen, sometimes he leans to the right...'
- julia louis-dreyfus
- myq kaplan
= he's my brother she's my sister

4-09-13

+ 'i'm very tense about this crisis in asia', craig ferguson admits, 'right now the north koreans are about to test  a new weapons system.  as we all know, north korea is ruled by kim jung un.  for those of you who dont know, over the weekend the premier of china told kim jung un to chill out.  now, when the premier of china tells you to chill out, you know things are pretty bad.  thats like mel gibson saying 'whoa, chill out on the tequila!',  thats like charlie sheen saying 'thats enough hookers!'  yesterday japan were giving warnings too, they said that if north korea tests new weapons, japan will have no choice but to set up their own missile defense system- an adorable system with 'hello kitty' pictures on them!'
- drew carey
- jane levy

4-08-13

+ 'its a fantastic day for college basketball', craig ferguson states, 'what a game that was... congratulations, winners.  we are live so of course i watched every...  you know, people say to me, they say 'craig, put some clothes on!' then they say to me 'craig, are you saying your show is not live?  because other late night shows are live!'  and i'm like, no they are not live.  'but...' no, they are not live. and even if they were, which they are not, we are not like other late night shows.  'why craig?  how can you say that? you are a guy, you walk out, you are wearing a suit, you are like other late night shows!'  no, number 1: i dont give a fuck.  wait wait, i know what you are thinking: 'craig, its just part of your shtick'.  no, its not part of a shtick  i really dont give  a fuck!  its not that i dont like everyone here, they are perfectly nice people, cbs are a lovely corporation in every way, but i dont give a fuck.  and thats important.  remember that kids, never give a fuck!  well, the buddists say that desire is suffering, thats the first truth of buddism, desire is suffering.  so if you dont give a fuck, you are in clover, right?'  {editors note: this sounds like craig is mad when written, but when he did his monologue it was all lighthearted and in jest, just so ya know!}
- max greenfield
- debbie reynolds

3-27-13

+ 'apple has a patent out on a new phone that they say will not break', craig ferguson shares, 'which is fantastic, now i will stop duct taping the phone to a cat!  meow! i do not tape my phone to a cat, please put the email down.  'you are so cruel!'  i dont even have a cat!  its a joke cat, it is the cat of my imagination.  its a bit like that parrot in the monty python thing, its not dead, its pining for the fjords!'
> don rickles
- radha mitchell

3-26-13

+ who just so happens to be in the audience for tonight's taping? why, scott adsit from 30 rock!  craig invites him up for the opening big and has a bit of fun with him.
+ 'it is an important birthday today', criag ferguson shares, 'it is the birthday, everyone is very excited around here, i know cbs is going crazy, there's a lot of events planned for this week because it is the birthday of american poet robert frost.  i love the idea of cbs' primetime 'robert frost week'!  hawaii 5-0 robert frost! nci dont know any of his poems!  robert frost got his own stamp in 1973.  it costed 10 cents.  it usually costs me more than twice that to lick an elderly person!  robert frost won four pulitzer prizes in his lifetime.  thats amazing!  if i had won four pulitzer prizes, or even one, i would wear them around my neck and i'd be like michael phelps in the club!  no, robert frost was probably much more dignified that that.  he had a fascinating life, he said that a poem begins as a lump in the throat.  look, i may not understand the whole idea of metaphors and allegories, but if your poem starts as a lump in the throat, maybe you should see a doctor!  now, i have mixed feelings about poetry.  i've said this before and i'll say it again, done well, poetry is fantastic, but not many people are capable of doing poetry well.  i think you should have some sort of official certification in order to perform or write poetry.  we could call it some sort of poetic licence  if you will. basically, i think poetry is like sex, its brief, confusing, and best left to professionals.'
- sarah chalke
* lawrence block

3-25-13

+ 'its a great day for italy', craig ferguson informs, 'the city of venice was founded on this day in the year 421.  so happy birthday venice, and if i may say in my best italian, 'whas a come and a go!'  you know who else has a birthday today?  sir elton john!  hes 66 years old.  venice and elton john are very different of course, one is an old crumbling landmark that italian sailors have been riding over for years...  its very lucky to have a birthday today because its also vaffel dagen today!  its the day i wait for all year!  vaffel dagen, thats swedish for 'waffel day'.  every year, march 25th, the people of sweden get out of their volvos, they turn off the abba cds, and they start making waffles!  its a big tradition over there.  as far as i am concerned, there are two people in this world: those who love waffles, and al quida.  vaffel dagen is one of my favorite days of the year, its right up there with pancakesgiving, and cinco de pie-o,  ham-oween.  some people prefer pancakes to waffles.  like some guys are ass men and others are breast men.  you know what i say?  it doesnt matter if you are in to waffles or pancakes, or asses or breasts, they are all better if they are covered in maple syrup!'
- morgan freeman
- vera farmiga

3-20-13

+ 'you know why i'm excited?' craig ferguson asks, 'its because its the first day of spring!  the first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox, which means that the amount of day and night are equal, split right down the middle.  or as fox news would call it 'solar communism!'  equinox is something that only happens once a year, kind of like good ratings on nbc!  vernal is, of course, the latin word for spring.  spring sounds light and cheery, vernal sounds nasty, it sounds like a disease!  the vernal equinox occurred this morning at 6:02 am.  if you were awake for it and you're still awake for this show, then you are probably running a bit low on meth!  a lot of myths about the equinox have been debunked, you cannot balance an egg on its side, water does not flow backwards, kim kardashian will not appear bigger than khloe.'
- aaron eckhart
= kellie pickler

3-19-13

+ 'did you watch the show 'bates motel'?' craig ferguson asks, 'it premiered on a&e.  wow!  it was the most watched drama on a&e, the channel that brought you hoarders and duck dynasty.  these are big shows!  i'm going to pitch them a show about someone who hoards ducks.  its me.  i've got one in my pants right now...  bates motel, its a spin off from the movie psycho.  i hope this doesnt mean we are going to get other cheap knock offs like 'stabbing with the stars', 'how i met your murderer', 'so you think you can put the lotion in the basket?', 'downton stabby'.  psycho was the movie that changed the way i look at roadside motels.  after that movie i swore id find somewhere else to take my truck stop prostitutes.  you know the guy who plays norman bates in the new version is freddie highmore.  hes a good actor, freddie highmore, hes great in this, but nobody could possibly top anthony perkins as norman bates.  anthony perkins was truly the master bates...'
- michelle monaghan
* john green

3-18-13

+ 'it is a great day for science', craig ferguson shares, 'researchers in australia- they have researchers in australia?  wow!  well, they have cloned a frog.  now, not just any frog, this frog was extinct!  its a special type of frog that gives birth through its mouth!  this frog that they brought back, had been extinct, its been gone since the 80's, so its first question back was 'who shot jr?'  or 'wheres the beef?', 'did anyone solve the rubic's cube?', 'is charles still in charge?', 'o.j. did what?!?'.  anyway, all i'm saying is i dont see the point in cloning a frog unless its one of those frogs you can get high from licking- you know, a licky frog!  in which case, mass produce those things!  actually, i hope its not one of those frogs, because when you are tripping, the last thing you want to see is a little from coming out of a bigger frog!'
- seth green
- jenna-louise coleman

3-15-13

+ 'it is, of course, not only friday, and the day after pi day, it is also march 15th: the ides of march!' craig ferguson informs, 'its the ides of march, you know that saying 'beware the ides of march'? it means today you have to be extra careful to avoid disaster.  although, if you are watching this show, you clearly did not heed the warnings.  the romans used to celebrate the ides of march with a giant military parade, people throwing flowers, live music, huge crowds.  it was like a parade in west hollywood, but with fewer gladiators...  anyway, julius caeser was assassinated on the ides of march.  he was stabbed in the back by someone he thought was a friend.  it was like he worked in show business!  historians say julius caesar brought ruin upon himself, he illegally seized power from the roman senate, then he proclaimed himself ruler for life, and worst of all, he decided to put anchovies in salad dressing.  the senate was like 'you've gone to far!'.'
- megan mullally
- alison brie

3-14-13

+ 'it is, of course, pi day today!' craig ferguson informs, 'happy pie day, everybody!  now, i'm not talking tasty pie, although i do enjoy a tasty pie!  sweet or savory   i like a fruit pie myself.  its march the 14th, as in 3 1 4.  its the day we celebrate the mathematical constant we call pi.  this is the day i wait for all year, i love this today.  i wanted to recite the number as far as i could go for the whole hour, but cbs told me 'no, you have to provide entertainment!'  i said 'really?  you don't have a problem any other night, why tonight?'.'
- monica potter
# jim rome

3-13-13

+ 'perhaps its a great day for the entire world', craig ferguson states, 'i dont know if you can smell that, i put out some pope- ouri!  i'm sure you've heard, the pope pickin' is over.  the white smoke came out of the vatican chimney, and as the old saying goes, 'if the church is a smokin', here comes the popein'!' there were one hundred thousand people packed into st. peter's square waiting for news of the pope.  it was a spectacular sight, it was like popeapalooza!  between that and monday night's bachelor finale, my eyes havent been dry all week!  anyway, the new pope, frances the first.  frances wasnt his first choice, but the church wisely talked him out of pope boo boo.  what do we know about pope frances? hes 76 years old, he's a former arch bishop, like long walks on the beach, giant hats, and the music of coldplay.  i'll tell you this: if he's 76 he probably watches cbs!  welcome your holiness!'
- olivia wilde
- windell middlebrooks

3-12-13

+ 'its a great day for the residents of new york city', craig ferguson shares, 'the superior court judge struck down the proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces.  in manhattan they are very excited about this, they were yelling and screaming, there was a spontaneous parade down broadway, then they heard about the judges ruling.  everyone is very excited.  the ban on giant sodas was proposed by mayor michael bloomburg.  he is a billionaire fitness night who believes everyone should be as healthy as him.  i think he should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education.  clearly new york needs a better education system if the kids cant figure out that you can get around the 16 ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12 ounce sodas!  i'm thinking you cant do this, you cant enforce a ban like this on large sodas.  how is the government going to enforce that?  its not like obama has a secret fleet of robot air crafts circling watching everything people do with tiny little cameras...  'are you having a large soda down there?!?'  dont get me wrong, i'm not saying soda is good for you, unless they advertise on cbs, then they are nature's perfect food, but personally i drink a lot of diet soda.  i like my sugar the same way i like my boobies: artificial, over-sized, and bought with a coupon!'
- minnie driver
- ben schwartz

3-11-13

+ 'the conclave of cardinals are about to begin voting on the new pope', craig ferguson shares, 'the new pope will pope up at any moment.  i've just heard that the new winner will be announced live on tv by michelle obama and tom bergeron!  the winner of the election gets to be pope, and the runner up gets to date taylor swift.  its a joke, he's a cardinal, he cant date swift, whats wrong with you!  the cardinals arrive at the vatican today and i spent all day watching joan rivers on the conclave red carpet- 'who are you wearing?'  'the same as everyone else...'.'
- george hamilton
- jessica lucas

3-08-13

+ 'i'm very excited cause there's a big movie out today', craig ferguson exclaims, 'oz the great and powerful.  its a prequel to the wizard of oz.  a little risky, isnt it?  that movie is an american icon, that movie.  a prequel? thats like the french making a prequel to the statue of liberty.  i hope this movie isnt some sort of hipster version of wizard of oz, i'd be very upset.  you know, the tin man is brought to the recycling center, the scarecrow is exchanged for a sparkly vampire that cares about your feelings, dorothy wears ruby crocs and does the harlem shake or something.  by the way, if i know about the harlem shake, that means its over!  let that be a barometer, young people who enjoy trendy things, the minute the fifty year old white guy knows about it, it is no longer relevant to you!  anyway, this prequel to wizard of oz will be fine, it will be fine, it could be great.  george lucas made prequels to the star wars movies and that turned out great, right?'
- chi mcbride
- laurie holden

3-07-13

+ 'if you're at home watching this show', craig ferguson states, 'turn it off right now!  you aught to be ashamed of yourself! watching this crap while the wonders of the universe are right outside.  tonight there is a comet making the closest approach to earth.  now, is it really a comet or is it one of president obama's drones?  yes, your welcome fox news!  they said that the comet is visible to the naked eye.  what is that phrase?  my eyes are always naked- do people wear clothes on their eyes?!? 'ah, i cant see a fucking think!' its because you've got pants on your eyes!  there's a lot of people watching the comet tonight, i'm surprised that advertisers aren't sponsoring it- 'tonight's comet is brought to you by boner pills, for when you want to tap that assteroid!'  people all over the world are excited about the comet, even canadians are like 'oh, a comet, eh?'.'
- zach braff who stared in a unaired tv pilot with craig back in the 80's...
- gillian jacobs

3-06-13

+ 'for the president of venezuela who died yesterday', craig ferguson says, 'president obama said the united states supports the venezuelan people, sean penn said he lost a friend.  hugo chavez is being mourned all across south america.  if he were still here today, i'm sure he would say 'dont cry for me, argentina!'  chavez famously called george w bush the devil.  remember that? el diablo- the devil.  and chaney is like 'what am i, chopped liver?'  the people of venezuela arent sure who is going to replace hugo chavez.  cbs has already suggested ashton kutcher.  i have to admit, i dont know much about venezuela, i've never been there, in fact i've never been to south america.  brazil takes up almost half the space of south america, its kind of like texas, but with more exposed butt cheek.'
- christina hendricks
* jackie collins

3-05-13

+ 'its election day here in l.a.', craig ferguson states, 'we are going for a new mayor.  we have had the same mayor for the last 8 years, our mayor has been antonio villaraigosa, or as i call him 'the forbidden mayor' because he got caught having an affair with a reporter.  you know, at one point our mayor was seen hanging out with charlie sheen.  apparently they partied together a couple times.  everyone is like 'why would the most powerful guy in the city, a role model, a pillar of the community, why would he want to hang around with the mayor?' but he did!  it is time for some new leadership here in l.a., its been almost a decade since we had a new mayor.  it was starting to feel like one of those jobs for life, like supreme court judge, or host of the tonight show...  anyway, the front runner for mayor is a new guy named eric garcetti.  there have been negative ads about how garcetti is a hipster.  i'd quite like a hipster mayor- tax break on skinny jeans, free handle bar mustaches.  one of the other candidates is a gentleman named kevin james.  not the actor, this is kevin james a former lawyer and gay republican.  now, kevin james the actor and kevin james the politician are very different of course, one is the king of queens and the other...'
# larry king
- abbie cornish

3-04-13

+ 'it is a great day for the city of chicago which turns 176 today', craig ferguson informs, 'happy birthday, chicago!  chicago, of course, is world famous for its food.   i enjoy their deep dish pizza.  to me, deep dish pizza is like the soren kierkegaard of pizza.  soren kierkegaard, the danish philosopher.  he's deep, mouth watering, a little hammy, just like deep dish pizza!  chicago is well known for its sausage.  last time i was there i couldnt believe all the juicy sausage that was on sale for just a few bucks... or the food, the food was good too!  many people dont realize that chicago is the home of two major cookie companies: keebler and nabisco who are intense rivals.  no one will ever forget the great keebler elf massacre of 1984!  it was horrible, hats and pointy shoes everywhere!  those three elves found face down in a pool of their own fudge! police described the scene as 'delicious!'.'
- jeffrey dean morgan
- katheryn winnick

3-01-13

+ 'theres a big movie out today', craig ferguson states, 'the last exorcism part 2.  how can it be called the last exorcism part 2?  by definition a movie called 'last' cannot have a sequel.  unless, unless hollywood is run by money hungry liers!  no way...  in the first last exorcism part 1, a young girl gets possessed by satan and the priest performs an exorcism to try and cast it out.  i guess in part two the devil returns because... i dont know, he forgot his wallet?  'it was red!  with velcro!  my drivers license was in it and it had my blockbuster card in it.  i know it doesnt exist anymore, but...'  if the movie is a hit, its only a matter of time before we get a tv knock off of it.  what would it be called?  'how i possessed your mother',  the biggest loo-cifer',  'two broke ghouls'.  people think i got this show because i made a deal with the devil.  thats true!  nine years ago the devil promised me great fame and untold wealth in exchange for my soul. well, i broke that deal and now i am condemned to this place for all eternity.'
- trace adkins
- naya rivera

2-28-13

+ 'it is a great day for pope denedict XVI', craig ferguson states, 'or should i say former pope benedict XVI, he's officially retired.  today he said goodbye, i heard that before he left he loaded up his giant hat with staplers and post-its...  i'm kidding!  its a joke!  he's the pope, he would never steal anything!  he actually had to turn in his giant hat, they retired it at the vatican, its up there in the rafters right next to gretsky's 99.  apparently there is some tension at the vatican because the pope wouldnt give him back his security deposit. there was some trouble because there was some glue on the wall from his def leopard posters.  no, the pope is german so he actually listens to david hasselhoff and kraftwork!  i've said this before and i do mean it, we shouldnt worry about the pope's retirement, when one pope leaves, another one always popes up!'
- david duchovny
- ashley madekwe

2-27-13

+ 'its not a great day for our friends in italy', craig ferguson explains, 'they just had the elections and there is no winner. it means for now there is no government in italy.  in today's vote in italy, not a single party won the majority.  so italy's italian will be one of three leaders.  it will either be silvio berlusconi, who is the italian bill clinton, really.  and there's a communist, and a stand up comedian!  sounds like the set up for a joke, doesnt it?  berlusconi used to be the prime minister, he is known for his sex crazed bunga bunga parties.  i dont think berlusconi has learned his lesson, because when he heard he would have to share power with two other partys, hes like 'great, i love-a threesomes!'  the outgoing prime minister is mario monte.  the man who got a lot of votes is a comedian named beppe grillo, he looks like the italian version of 'the most interesting man in the world'!  'i dont-a always eat-a ice cream, when when-a i do, its always tootsie frootsie ice-a cream!'.'
- tom lennon
- mike tyson

2-26-13

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson shares, 'seth macfarlane said there is no way he will host the oscars again.  he said its boring to host something more than once.  i've felt that way since the second show in 2005!  apparently after the oscars ben affleck got rid of his beard- yes, its true, he finally professed his love to matt damon!'
- sharon osbourne
- matthew lillard

2-25-13

+ 'well, the oscars are over', craig ferguson states, 'personally i'm glad that brave won for best animated feature because now i can say that i've been in an oscar winning movie!  and, i only had to do about two hours work- i didnt even have to wear pants!  take that, daniel day-lewis, you had to put on a hat- you loser!  anyway, with all the gossip and the fashion and popularity contests, the oscars seem just like high school. and just like high school, i wasnt there!  i didnt watch the oscars, i was traveling.  but i do have to admit, though, that i did watch some of the red carpet stuff, only about five or six hours of it.  i really enjoyed looking at the gorgeous dresses, the handbags, and the jewelry.  and when i was done picking out my outfit i turned on the tv!  you know who i feel bad for?  the actresses on the red carpet cause their clothes are judged by experts as they enter the building, which is no fair.  anne hathaway got a lot of flack because her dress, and i quote, 'made her nipples pop'.  why is that a problem?  isnt that what dresses are supposed to do?'
- keith olbermann
- coco rocha

2-22-13

+ 'its not a great day for me, i went to the doctor today', craig feguson admits, 'turns out i've got oscar fever! the oscars on on sunday, but so is the daytona 500.  so its going to be a great day for gay nascar fans!  los angeles loves the oscars, people here go nuts.  they spend all weekend putting on their make up, squeezing in  to their dresses, pressing their boobies together- and the women are worse!  and they've closed down hollywood blvd this weekend, and if youve never been up there- dont, its sad and dangerous.  the oscars is a perfect representation of hollywood though, cause hollywood releases hundreds of movies a year and about three of them are good, and the oscars are eight hundred minutes long and about three of them are entertaining.  but this year i have high hopes because the host is seth macfarlane.  i like seth, i think he's talented and clever, and i think he will do a great job.  he's a real song and dance man, there are only three song and dance men left in hollywood: seth, billy crystal, and madonna.'
- william shatner
- alona tal

2-21-13

+ 'its a great day if you want to dress like a mailman', criag ferguson shares, 'and who doesnt?  the us postal service is launching a fashion line.  i'm not lying, they are actually doing this!  the clothes themselves will be made by a company in cleveland.  see, its a classic formula: post office plus cleveland equals high fashion!  i've never dressed up like a postal worker, the closest was one time for halloween i covered my penis with stamps and called myself junk mail...'
- kunal nayyar
- molly shannon

2-20-13

+ 'led zeppelin might be getting back together', craig ferguson announces, 'its true, robert plant told australia's version of sixty minutes that he would be willing to reform led zeppelin   when i heard this i was like 'wha?  australia has a version of sixty minutes?!?'  according to the interview, robert plant says that he's got nothing to do next year, so if the other band members are available  i can think of one who isn't... but if the rest are available   so we could see a led zeppelin reunion tour.  they did a reunion show last year in london.  the surviving members are getting a bit old.  i'm a big fan of led zeppelin, they were huge when i was younger.  i don't want to date myself... actually i do want to date myself- i'm lovely!  anyway, one of my favorite albums of all time is led zeppelin 4.  that is an awesome album!  that is your seminal rock album right there- its right up there with 'color me barbara' by barbara striesand.  i had to buy that album so many times, first i bought it on vinyl, then on cassette, then cd, then download.  here's the rule though: vinyl is always better, doesn't matter if you are talking about albums or underpants!'
- lisa kudrow
= bonnie raitt

2-19-13

+ 'it is a great day for a bunch of thieves in belgium'. craig ferguson explains, 'they pulled off a brazen jewel heist.  at the brussels airport they got away with more than fifty million in pure, uncut, diamonds.  the diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport, if you don't count them charging twenty five bucks to check your bag in!  am i right?  the police in belgium are still investigating who is behind the theft.  i'm thinking its probably jason statham.  think about it, its exactly the kind of thing he does in his movies!  if it was one of statham's movies he would get a rag tag crew of renegades for one last job.  see, this is what i think, putting together a group of immoral thieves is surprisingly easy.  these days there is a public place where they all congregate- its called washington dc!'
- jon cryer
- melissa benoist

2-18-13

+ 'happy presidents day, everyone', craig ferguson congratulates, 'today we celebrate an american tradition of immigrants working on your day off.  most stores are open today.  i have no problem with a little commerce on presidents day, what better way to celebrate our presidents than to offer a sale on tires.  'four score and seven years ago our forefathers got two for one on steel radial tires'.  presidents day is in february because thats when lincoln and washington were born.  not the same year, obviously.  lincoln and washingtons bithdays used to be separate holidays but they were combined to make everything easier.  kind of like how woody allen combined valentines day and take your daughter to work day...  lincoln and washington were both great presidents.  now, you can tell how important a president was based on the monument they have in washington.  lincoln, very important, he has the monument that shows him sitting in a chair looking very important, and then washinton has an even better one: its like a giant middle finger pointed at england!'

- jacki weaver
- jim gaffigan

= nicola benedetti

2-15-13

+ 'its a very special friday', craig ferguson shares, 'because today is a good day to die hard!  the new die hard movie opens today.  die hard, that is a term that comes from the medical profession, its when an old man dies from an overdose on boner pills!  anyway, the new movie's slogan is 'yippie ki-yay mother russia'.  thats because its set in russia, and bruce willis' character's catchphrase is 'yippie ki-yay something i cant say on cbs'.  i think they came up with the tagline before they came up with the script for the movie.  studio executives are sitting around going 'yippie ki-yey mother... i dont know?'  the next die hard movie will be whatever was second:  yippie ki-yay mother hubbard!  'in a world where the cupboard is bare...'  anyway, in the new die hard movie, bruce willis joins forces with his son.  thats the plot.  yeah, i'm getting a little 'scrappy-do' vibe from this one...'
- jane lynch
- mario lopez

2-14-13

+ 'it is valentines day', craig ferguson cheers, 'so to all you love birds: happy valentines day!  i'd give you valentines day tips, but if you are watching this show, then your valentines day went horribly!  never mind, i'll love you!  i wanted to commemorate valentines day by coming out here with a little heart pin on my jacket tonight but cbs wouldnt allow it.  they said 'you cant go out there with a heart on!'  come on, why cant i?  what could be more appropriate for valentines day than if i came out here with a heart on?  the biggest gifts on valentines day are, of course, flowers and chocolate.  because what says true love better than murdering a plant and trying to make someone fat?  for me, the best valentine gifts dont cost anything because they come straight from the heart.  thats why i have composed a valentines day poem for you, my audience.  here you go, you ready?  roses are red, love is but a fable, i'm very sorry you cant afford cable!'
- george lopez
- sutton foster

2-13-13

+ 'everyone, of course, is still talking about the president's state of the union address', craig ferguson admits, 'everyone except me!  because while the president was speaking in washington, the westminster dog show was wrapping up in new york.  thats the real story!  the dog show and the state of the union address is very different, of course, one is a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing of asses, and the other one? is the dog show.  anyway, if you are a dog winning at the westminster dog show, its like an actor winning an oscar, or like a tennis player winning at wimbleton, or an nba player winning a kardashian!  the westminster dog show is tough, these doggies have to parade in front of the judges and behave themselves.  its not the doggie way, its not the doggie style.  westminster is no more than a beauty contest, really.  the judges dont care if the dogs have talent, the dogs just need to have a shiny coat and nice testicles.  cbs used the same criterea when they selected a host for this show!'
- russell brand
- allison williams

2-12-13

+ 'today, of course, is marti gras', criag ferguson exclaims, 'now, for me, marti gras is when i lose control, do things ill regret tomorrow, and trade my dignity for a few small trinkets.  then, when i'm done doing this show, i celebrate marti gras!  the most common way that people go nuts during marti gras is to expose their breasts in exchange for beads.  i've never understood that.  what is it about marti gras that makes otherwise modest normal ladies expose themselves for shiny plastic bobbles.  then i remembered what it is:  binge drinking!  marti gras is only the fourth biggest drinking holiday of the year.  the top three are st. patricks day, new years, and tuesdays at mel gibson's house!  years ago marti gras started as a catholic celebration before lent. so now we know why pope benedict quit- he wanted one last party!'
- ted danson
- teresa palmer

2-11-13

+ 'the big news today, of course, is from the vatican', craig ferguson shares, 'the pope is resigning!  everyone is surprised, the people of italy were running threw the streets shouting, waiving their hands, saying 'whats a come and a go?' then they heard the pope is resigning!  its true, pope benedict the sixteenth is stepping down, he's hanging up his giant hat.  he will be replaced, of course, when one pope goes, another one popes up right away.  cbs announced its suggestion: the pope should be replaced by ashton kutcher.  you know, the last time a pope stepped down was six hundred years ago.  pope gregory stepped down in 1415.  things were a bit different back then, the popemobile had a hole in the floor and it ran on foot power.  pope benedict is stepping down because he's 85 years old and he wants to... um... i dont know, spend time with his grandkids?  no no, he's the pope he doesnt have grandkids!'
- julie andrews
- grace park

2-08-13

+ 'its a great day for star wars fans', craig ferguson informs, 'disney  announced today that they are making new movies featuring younger versions of the beloved star wars characters.  it starts with han solo.  now, we dont know who will be playing the teenage han solo, but they have already found the perfect young chewbacca: khloe kardashian!'
- alfred molina
- ophira eisenberg

2-07-13

+ 'now, here's good news if you are into the late night douche business', craig ferugson says, 'and i am!  there's a new report that came out today by economists.  oh boy!  they listed the worlds most expensive cities, it turns out the most expensive city in the world is tokyo, japan.  when the news broke there was a big parade... in san francisco.  tokyo didnt much care, but san francisco was like 'parade!'  but they did unveil their new tourism slogan: tokyo will leave you brokyo!  now, i've never been to tokyo, but this show is actually going out in japan.  we are very popular in japan.  i think the show looses something in translation though, you know what they call this show in japan?  'super happy fun time hour with robot and old man'.  i'd love to go to tokyo.  its not just expensive, its one of the worlds most crowded cities. so its a city full of people with thick wallets and they are all stuck together.  it makes me pine for my days as a dickensian pickpocket!  the second most expensive city in the world is also in japan.  the third and fourth is sydney and melbourne in australia.  some of the cities on the today's most expensive list didnt surprise me at all, for instance paris was number 8.  the people in france were very annoyed today, then they heard about the list.'
- amanda peet
= paul williams

2-06-13

+ 'its a great day for fans of monopoly', craig feguson shares, 'the game that introduced generations of kids to the concept of mortgage debt.  today the makers of monopoly have added a new game piece: the cat!  now, as we all know, in the game monopoly, players move their pieces around the board buying up property and the winner is decided when everyone goes 'i'm bored with this!'.  or really its the banker who wins because usually the banker is cheating- just like in real life!  anyway, they are hoping, with the addition of the cat, to reboot the game for 21st century kids.  not entirely sure the cat is going to do it, monopoly!  kids are like 'i dont want to play call of duty, so long world of warcraft, fuck you angry birds- monopoly is the best!'  the new cat piece was selected after weeks of online voting.  i'm like 'is that a surprise?  is anyone surprised?'  whenever there is a vote for something on the internet its always a cat that wins.  look, if the presidential election were online, the winner would be that cat that loves cheeseburgers!  'can i haz the presidency?'.'
- emmy rossum
* jon ronson

2-05-13

+ 'its a great day for america's upstairs neighbors', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm talking about the famously polite and docile creatures we call 'canadians'.  these beautiful people got rid of their penny today.  there's no more one cent coins in canada.  so if you are in canada and you say to someone 'a penny for your thoughts?' thats now illegal and you will be thrown in prison!  thats not true, but prison in canada?  how bad can that be?  but now without pennies, they will have to round everything up to the closest nickel.  so things will cost more to buy those famous products canada is famous for like... maple syrup, and bacon!  some canadians are absolutely outraged by this, and by that i mean a couple guys in edmonton went 'eh'.  anyway, no more canadian pennies means an increased demand for the canadian nickel, which has got a beaver on it!  canadians also have a one dollar coin, they call it a 'loonie'.  here in america 'loony' is what we call mel gibson.'
- david boreanaz
- alison becker

2-04-13

+ 'i must apologize to you, excuse me if i seem a little tired', craig ferguson pleads, 'we just got back from new orleans, we were there over the weekend.  i've got a pretty bad gumbo hangover, i was up all night picking purple and yellow confetti out of my pants.  but there's a down side to it too...  what a super bowl, huh?  forth and goal with everything on the line? just more proof that america rocks!  in your face other countries!  this year's super bowl was the third most watched television event in history.  the second is the kardashian sex tape, and the first was a youtube video of a dog punching a guy in the nuts...  to me, the play of the game came right after half time.  jackoby jones running that from the kick off 108.8 yards for a touchdown!  a man hasnt run that fast since i heard there was a sale at nine west!
- zooey deschanel
- adhir kalyan

super bowl special

 since the super bowl is on cbs this year, that means that there was a special sunday night episode of craig ferguson's show after the game!  craig spend the week in new orleans filming different bits and having a blast in the big easy.  the show starts off with a very funny scene with lucy lu stopping by to say hi to craig at the super dome.  craig is holding a phone charger and lucy asks if he would mind if she quick charged her phone for a minute.  he plugs it in- which in turn causes the blackout that happened during the game!  very clever and quick thinking on their part to take advantage of a funny situation!
+ on stage, criag is welcomed by the 49ers cheerleading squad.  'thanks ladies, their team lost and they still came to perform!' craig says as he launches in to his monologue, 'its a great day if you are a ravens fan- your team just won the super bowl!  the lombardi trophy is going back to baltimore, but dont worry 9ers fans, in california a super bowl loss counts as a prescription for medical marijuana!  its very refreshing down here, its a fantastic city!  theres so much they have here that we dont have in l.a.: they have history, clean air, and carbohydrates...  its fantastic to be here in jackson square.  named after andrew jackson who defeated the british at the battle of new orleans.  had the british won, things would be very different.  instead you would be watching a late night host who has an accent... hmm, i'm going down a bad path with this...'
+ after a few tweets, craig welcomes drew brees.  the two of them toss the football around a bit.
+ craig and steve carell stop by pascal's manale restaurant and bar to try some oysters, which goes horribly, as you might expect!  -by far the funniest segment of the night!
+ craig and nikki reed grab a bite to eat and then wander through a new orleans graveyard, and then craig stops by saints and sinners bar to chat with the place's owner: channing tatum!
+ craig and julie chen stop by little people's place for a bit to eat.
michael caine in space on bourbon street
neil patrick harris stops by the stage to chat with craig and laugh at his poor football catching when drew brees was on earlier!

2-01-13

+ 'you know what day it is?' craig ferguson asks, 'its groundhog day!  well, almost groundhog day, depending on your region.  groundhogs are not as cool as other animals, thats why they only get a week. sharks get a whole week, but groundhogs are like, one day!  the groundhog day tradition dates back to the 1800s.  you know what else dates back to the 1800s?  cholera.  what i'm saying is maybe its time to move on!  on groundhog day punxsutawney phil gets pulled out of the ground to see his shadow.  if he sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter.  today is the only day that punxsutawney phil has to work, the rest of the year he just hangs out on donald trump's head.  punxsutawney phil's predictions are only right 39 percent of the time.  i mean, 39 percent?  thats rubbish!  with that kind of accuracy you couldnt even get a job a the psychic friends network!  39 percent accuracy?  thats why i call groundhogs furry wikipedia.'
# joe theismann
- ariel tweto

1-31-13

+ 'today is an important day for me and for anyone who works in television', craig ferguson states, 'well, ok, its an important day for anyone who works in television.  today is the anniversary of the first daytime soap opera... or was it?!?  no, it was.  the first daytime soap was called 'these are my children' and it was premiered in 1949 on nbc.  it was 64 years ago, these are my children was a soap opera about an irish widow.  this is important, this day, because if you know one thing about me you know that i cant live without my soap operas.  there arent that many left, they are going away!  they are going away like newspapers and compact discs and lance armstrong fans.  the soap operas that are left, lets see, you've got the young and the restless, the bold and the beautiful, the damp and the damper, the wang and the chungier,  the master and the bater.  soap operas today are being replaced by reality shows, soap operas are filled with evil twins and anmesia, but people prefer the 'reality' of honey boo boo and the real housewives.'
+ michael caine in space
- rashida jones
- julie gonzalo

1-30-13

+ 'its a great day if you are nostalgic for the cold war', craig ferguson says, 'and who isnt?  well, the soviets maybe.  back in the 1980's the ties were skinny, the nukes were fat, and the boobies were real.  so it wasnt all good... there is a brand new show premiering tonight on fx, its called 'the americans'.  its about russian spies embedded in DC during the cold war.  the russian agents who look like us and talk like us, but all their relationships are based on a big lie.  these days that only happens to college football players.  apparently the appeal of seeing shows like this is seeing the 80's spy tools like the rubik's cube that turns into a grenade, a walkman that turns into a pac-man, a car phone the size of an actual car.  they even have those tinny little gadgets you see in mission impossible, those little gizmos that can do everything but they still fit in the palm of your hand.  what are they called?  thats right, tom cruise.  in the americans kerri russell plays an intelligence service agent, what they call a 'sleeper agent'.  i've always wanted to be a sleeper agent- my skill: naps in five languages!
- dominic monaghan
- ellie kemper

1-29-13

+ 'it is perhaps the greatest day ever!' craig ferguson suggests, 'because it is day two of geoff peterson and the bone patrol band!  but more than that, it is a great day for two american icons: the ruler of hawaii, tom selleck, and the ruler of the rest of the world: oprah winfrey!  happy birthday!  now, tom selleck and oprah winfrey are very different of course, one is a rough and tumble sex pot who enjoys a bushy mustache, and the othe one is tom selleck!  oh come on, steadman has a mustache!  i always think its got to be tough for steadman, at christmas he buys her a nice robe, and she buys him france.  'great, another country.  thanks, oprah'.  what do you buy oprah winfrey for her birthday?  she's got everything.  what do you buy a woman who has everything apart from a successful television network...?  its a joke, i love oprah.  i really respect oprah, she's from a tough background.  her story is an amazing american story.  she started dirt poor in the south and she went on to help millions.  she was her generation's honey boo boo!'
- simon helberg
> maria bamford

craig on the talk

with the super bowl coming up, cbs is having a special sunday episode of 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!  that means that craig and the gang are heading to new orleans for the big game.  craig took a little bit of time out of his busy schedule to stop by 'the talk', the afternoon talk show on cbs.  he gathered with the ladies and talked about strange new orleans food, strange relatives, and his feeling about american football from a foreigner's perspective.  he had a great time with the ladies, even if there were freaky frog legs around...

1-28-13

+ 'its a great day for the u.s. postal service', craig ferguson states, 'no, it is, trust me.  the price of a stamp goes up one cent today to 46 cents.  and now i am at an age where that caught my attention!  to make sure everyone received the information properly, the postal service announced it over the mail.  i mean, email is what i meant to say...  sorry, i'm just so excited about 46 cents!  this cent by cent thing is kind of annoying, why not raise the price of it to fifty cents and be done with the thing.  its how cbs gives me raises and it makes me feel small.  now, for most of us of course, the one cent increase in the price of a stamp is not a big deal, unless you are a hardcore stamp collector- a philatelist.  thats what it is!  that sounds sexy, doesnt it?  a philatelist.  'what are you doing in there?'  'philateling...'  'oh, philateling, whats that?'  'its the nerdiest thing you can do with your tongue!'  some people think that email has ruined the art of letter writing, but i disagree.  email has made us write even more, but email has ruined the art of licking.'
- kathy griffin
- michael weatherly

1-18-13

+ 'if you know anything about me, you know i keep in touch with zoo keepers in spain', craig ferguson shares, 'the reason i say this is because zoo keepers in spain have announced that they have a chimp.  i'm like 'big deal', a lot of zoos have chimpanzees, but their chimp spends all day watching pornography!  ah ha- i've got your attention!  of course, porn for a chimpanzee is just watching people throw poop.  so its german pornography...  the big news this week, of course, is about the college football player with the pretend girlfriend.  i'm like, i dont know what the big deal is here.  when you have a pretend football player here in hollywood, they let you star in mission impossible!'
- carrie fisher
- steven yeun

1-17-13

+ 'its a great day if you love the independent cinema', craig ferguson shares, 'today is the first day of the 20th annual sundance film festival.  this year the sundance jury picks between 87 different films.  i'd like to be on that jury someday, i'd take it very seriously, i'd wear a robe and have a gavel   i'd bang the gavel and be like 'i find your film guilty of being self indulgent and boring the crap out of me!  i here by sentence you to a weekend at bernie's and anything by pauly shore'.  i dont know if i could be a judge, you watch five movies a day- that sounds exhausting!  maybe thats just a sign of how out of shape i am, but it sounds exhausting!  a lot of these indy movies are too long as well, i just read that one of these films clocks in at over three hours.  its called jodie foster's acceptance speech!  day four!  i think we can spin this joke out for the whole week!  this year at sundance, joseph gordon levitt has a movie about a guy who is addicted to porn, and amanda seyfried has a movie about the porn star linda lovelace, and there are a bunch of other movies- they arent about porn so i dont know anything about them.  winning at sundance can be the springboard to years of artistic fulfillment making interesting and challenging feature films.  on the other hand, i once had a film that won at sundance, so...'
- julia stiles
- jerry ferrara
> tom cotter