12-12-12

+ during the show intro, craig ferguson talks with two audience members, jake and britney.  craig steps aside and jake pops the question to britney and they get engaged!  congrats!
+ 'i'll tell you why today is a great day', craig ferguson states, 'because its 12-12-12!  you know what that means?  exactly- nothing.  people say its the last time this century we will be repeating numbers like that.  but thats only if you use the gregorian calender, but i dont use the gregorian calander- i use a cowboys and ferrets calender!  12-12-12, it doesnt mean anything, but across the country there's a surge of weddings because people think if you get married today it is lucky.  you know what i think?  i think any day you get married is lucky.  she could be watching... its called insurance.  some think its lucky but other people think its unlucky.  i dont think its either, i mean i'll still be spending the night clutching my riffle in my underground bunker, but i do that every wednesday...'
+ a sean connery holiday memory
- chris o'dowd
- beth behrs

12-11-12

+ 'the latest report from the us census bureau has come out today', craig ferguson states, 'and for the first time, this is astonishing to me, more people are moving away from california than are moving to california.  people are leaving california in droves!  when i heard this i though 'ugh.  i dont care about this'.  but i've got to have something to talk about on my dumb late night show so i'll pretend to care about it.  ok, i care about it!  apparently the census bureau has said that one hundred thousand californians have left.  i think the number is wrong, i dont think those people left, its just that the census bureau didnt recognize them after the plastic surgery!  anyway, to those who are leaving california i give you the traditional california farwell: adios, amigos!'
- betty white
- morena baccarin
> terry fator

signed bella doll

'so, here's the thing', craig ferguson shares, 'my tweety exploded today!  and also i got some messages on twitter.  some people were mad at me because kristen stewart was here last night and i was talking to her.  and since i've been a bit mean about the twilight movies, which i've never seen, i've been a bit of a douche about her.  anyway, she was here and i was polite and nice to her, she was very nice and i tried to be a nice and friendly guy to her.  the comments were like 'you've sold out! you've sold out, craig!'  yeah, when i took this fucking job!  anyway, here's the thing, kristen stewart was here and my plan worked!  because i got a signed bella doll!  she signed it!'  craig then took a pole of the audience to figure out its permanent place of honor: on the mantel piece, or in secretariat's winter wonderland.  the decision was made that is will be put over by the horse.  now we will be able to 'enjoy' it forever!

12-10-12

+ 'i'm a little nervous tonight' craig ferguson admits at the top of the show, 'here's why: we have a very big star on the show tonight, a very big star.  we have kristen stewart on tonight.  here's the thing, kristen became  very popular through the twilight movies among the rest of a very impressive body of work.  i have been, um, a bit of a douche about them on this show.  now, here's the thing, i havent seen any of them, so i've just been a douche for no reason!  you know what it is?  you know when you get guys like me, middle aged white guys, who are like 'i dont like the hip hop', well, its not for you, grandpa, thats why!  but these movies, they arent made for me, but now i feel terrible because this big hollywood star who very classily agreed to come on the show.  this is not the biggest show in hollywood, i dont think thats a secret...  so here's the thing, i've had attractive women angry at me before, here's what i'm going to do: if i apologize now, maybe that will cut her off at the pass!  you know, you dont want to upset vampires- especially the sparkly ones!'
-kristen stewart
* sloane crosley

12-07-12

+ its the last night of the richie sambora 'house band' week!
+ 'i'll tell you what i'm excited about today', craig ferguson states, 'a very big movie opening today, its one of the most highly anticipated movies of the year.  personally, i've been waiting for it for 10 years.  whats it called?  playing for keeps?  no, thats not the hobbit, i though that was coming out today... oh, that comes out next weekend.  well, whats that one called?  playing for keeps?  well, i want to see that too.  its actually based on the french film 'playing for crepes'.  its one of those romantic comedies.  who doesnt love a romantic comedy?  al quida, thats who!  this one's got gerry butler in it, gerard butler as he's known,  gerry is my friend.  all i know about this movie is that its gerry butler who plays a scottish soccer player who moves to america to teach kids soccer.  and i'm sure along the way he falls in love, gets his heart broken, learns a valuable life lesson, and everybody wins.  what i think is interesting is that it speaks volumes that they dont actually put soccer anywhere on the poster.  cause people in america do not love soccer, to most americans soccer is like warm hockey.'
- julie delpy
- lamorne morris
= to cap off the great week with richie sambora, craig ferguson joins him in singing 'sugar daddy' together!

12-06-12

+ richie sambora and eddie izzard sing out the great theme song from the show!
+ 'its a great day if you like lists,'  craig ferguson states, 'we're in december now, which means every day theres a new list.  ten things about this, ten things about that,  yesterday it was ten sexiest elbows, tomorrow its the ten hairiest kardashians... which is all of them.  today, i'm not kidding, was the ten most corrupt nations of 2012.  congratuations afganistan, simalia, and north korea!  the three of them are sharing the title of 'most corrupt'.  all three of them kept trying to bribe the judges, so it was declared a tie.  congratulations to the country of finland which is now officially the least corrupt nation on earth!  you know, back when i was younger i hooked up with a girl in finland.  i dont think she was local though, because afterward she kept saying 'i'm not finnish, i'm not finnish!'.'
- denis leary

12-05-12

+ richie sambora plays the theme song for the show with a little (and i do mean little) help from larry king.  he should probably stick to his day job...
+ 'the list of the world's best cities came out today', craig ferguson informs, 'and no american city is in the top ten.  none!  guess what the highest ranking american city is?  vancouver!  yes, i know!  apparently its not even in america!  i've been there and they look just like us!  maybe they are a little more polite though, and their bacon is weird...  the next highest ranking real american city is honolulu and it came in at 28.  they got points taken off for bad public transportation, but apparently its a great place to go for fake birth certificates. number 29 was a tie between paris, france, adalaide, australia, and san franscisco.  according to this list the worst city in the world to live in is bagdad iraq.  i'm thinking thats clearly wrong as well, because i'm pretty sure we went there and fixed that place up pretty good!  hmmm... too soon?'
- cheryl hines
* peter segal

12-04-12

+ richie sambora and his band continue their time as the 'house band' for craig!

+ 'its only three weeks to christmas', criag ferguson shares, 'so tonight cbs got into the christmas spirit by showing the heartwarming classic 'the victoria's secret's fashion show'!  um hum!  yup, cbs is spreading the christmas joy like a modern day charles dickens 'please sir, can i have some more boobies!'  some people say that the victoria's secret show serves no purpose other than showing sexy women and bolstering ratings.  now, these people are called 'correct'.  it usually gives cbs a big boost in the ratings so you might get more cbs shows a bit of sexing up, like they might put the cast of '60 minutes' in bathing suits.  well, maybe, thy would put anderson cooper on a swim suit!  in defense of cbs, it wasnt all boobies- they showed 'rudolph the red nosed reindeer' was on right before the fashion show.  now, rudolph the red nosed reindeer and victoria's secret fashion show are very different, of course, ones about a skinny little thing that brings santa to a place where he can unload his bag...  and the other is rudolph.'

- reba mcentire

- keagan-mnichael key

12-03-12

+ richie sambora is on the show with his band playing all week!  he and craig sing out the theme song at the top of the show!
+ 'over in brittan its a great day today,' craig ferguson points out, 'prince william and his lovely bride kiki wigglesworth is pregnant.  she has a krumpet in the nobblebox, a doodle in the noodle, a scone in the breadbox.  what we are saying is that the crown jewels are officially functional.  we do have a parchment: his royal highness, the prince of cambridge  did indeed, get all up in that.'  they have been married for a year and a half, thats like five kardashian marriages!  this is bad news for the paparazzi- a nursing baby is going to cover up this woman's breasts!  kate said that she is very nervous about giving birth.  giving birth to a baby wearing a crown is very difficult- thats were the term 'crowning' comes from! i'm telling you what i just made up in my head and its true!  apparently the royal couple told their family over the weekend.  prince william told his father they had exciting news and his father said 'the queen is dead?!?'.'
- seth macfarlane
- miranda kerr

11-30-12

+ tom hanks stops by and plays a little on the mouth organ- winning for himself the coveted golden harmonica!  congrats, tom!
+ 'today i'm very excited bacause today is a holiday in scotland: saint andrews day', craig ferguson informs, 'i'm scottish and i was hoping that cbs would give me the day off.  but, of course, the didnt because they are bastards!  so i'm thinking i should try a new tactic: tell the people at cbs that my show is filth and they shouldnt watch it!  spoiler alert- everyone already knows that!  i cant believe cbs is making me work on saint andrews day, thats like making george washington work on the 4th of july, itsl like making collin farrel work on st. patricks day, its like making the octomom work on mothers day, its like making donald trump work on april fools day, its like donald trump's hair work on groundhogs day, its like making larry king work on fathers day, its like making woody allen work on 'take your daughter to work' day!  anyway, saint andrew's day, st. andrew is the patron saint of scotland, also the patron saint of russia.  now russia and scotland are very different, of course, one is a cold place with a bloody history of drunk people and... actually, they are very similar!  anyway, st. andrews is one of many holidays celebrated in scotland, you guys dont know about them, there's st. andrews day, there's susan boyle eve, haggis-akka, shamesgiving.  i know what you are thinking, 'craig, why is st. andrew the patron saint of scotland?'  well, legend says, and i'm making this up remember, legend says that st. andrew was the saint who gave god the idea for sean connery!'
- tim meadows
- mayim bialik

1000 episodes!

wow, its been almost five years that this blog has been busy writing episode summaries and commenting on 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!  we have now written about or commented on our 1000th episode.  why, it feels like just yesterday that craig was first hired to take over the vacancy left by that last guy...  its been filled with some great times, a visit to the studio, and a really cool rattlesnake mug!  we are looking forward to the next thousand episodes, and we will be right here commenting on it all!

11-29-12

+ 'there's a lot of people here tonight', criag ferguson states, 'you know why?  cause its rainin'.  its raining in l.a. and everyone is like 'ahhhh!'  this is the big test cause this is our new studio.  in our old studio, when it rained, it leaked!  but look in here, in here everything is dry except certain areas- certain areas of my body where it leaks no matter what. everyone in l.a. goes nuts when it rains.  people are like 'its never been this bad before!'  people are taking shelter under meg ryan's lips!  the whole city smells like a wet kardashian!  its panic here- lindsey lohan went to prison just to stay dry!'
- kristin davis
- nat faxon

11-28-12

+ 'you know what today is all about?' craig ferguson asks, 'its the big power balls.  the big power ball drawing is tonight.  someone tonight may have already won 550 million big ones.  and some money!  i am excited to announce that we actually have the winning power ball numbers for you, so if you want to pull out your power ball tickets, play along at home, the winning number are:  not yours.  no one watching this show has won power ball, thats ridiculous   'we just won 550 million dollars, what do you want to do?'  'lets watch craig and his big gay robot pal!'  anyway, there are 42 states that participate in the power ball, not california though.  you cant do it in california.  if you wanted to do it, you would have to go to arizona, and i dont have my papers in order...  in california we have other ways to make a fortune:  you could play the lotto, you could play the mega millions, you could be the new kid on two and a half men...  anyway, the chances of winning the lotto are one in 175 million.  youve got a better chance of hooking up with a kardashian...  a much better chance!'
>lewis black
- karen gillan
= l.p.

11-27-12

+ 'its a great day here at cbs', craig ferguson, 'because the kid actor who plays the kid, he's actually about 50, isnt he?  anyway,  the actor who plays the kid in two and a half men says that he is now cool and calm after the news yesterday, you know, where he appeared in a video trashing his own show.  i'm thinking, well you can be cool and calm because its not like they can replace him you with ashton kutcher, is it?  he's pretty good, kutcher, he could play both of them- 'hey, what are you doing?' 'i'm getting out of here!'  thats two and a half men with john cryer, ashton kutcher, and little ashton kutcher!  'yeah, i'm getting out of there!' 'you are a bad influence on me!'  'oh, what are you talking about?' 'gehehe!'  where's my fucking emmy?  who could replace that kid?  danny devito?  he's great and he's experienced- so cute!'
- james marsden
- daniela ruah
> cory kahaney

11-26-12

+ 'it is a great day for america's sweetheart justin bieber', craig ferguson says, 'even though he is in fact canadian.  he met with the canadian prime minister.  apparently he showed up wearing a backwards baseball cap and ratty overalls with the strap undone.  i dont know what justin was wearing... and then after that justin played the half time show at the canadian football championship and was booed by the crowd.  booed by canadians!  thats not easy!  they dont just throw boos around like they are candy!  its difficult to get that.  the canadians are the most polite society on earth, usually when a canadian is very very very angry at you they go 'cough cough'.'
- lily tomlin
- matthew gray gubler

11-20-12

+ 'its almost thanksgiving', craig ferguson remembers, 'in the midst of all the celebrating, we must remember those who are less fortunate than ourselves.  there was some sad news today, you might have heard about this, lance armstrong has just tested positive for tryptophan. here in hollywood, arnold schwarzanegger still insists on doing the stuffing. hence, he is alone on thanksgiving.  as for me i will be spending thanksgiving with my family, and by family, i of course mean my ferrets.  i actually love thanksgiving, i think its a uniquely american holiday.  i know canada has thanksgiving, but they have theirs in october.  can you believe that?  canadians gathered around their hockey pucks, eating round bacon and giving thanks for justin bieber.  but i associate thanksgiving with america because, this may surprise you, i'm not originally from here.  i am, thats right, i am mexican.  hola!  on thanksgiving i become super american, in fact i dont even eat turkey, i eat bald eagle!  you know who else loves thanksgiving in my house?  the dogs!  i have two dogs, a german shepherd and a jack russell.  i've got another spare dog, but i dont want to talk about that one, its a french bulldog.  thanksgiving the dogs get scraps from the table, the jack russell is irish, so he's like 'hiddly hiddly ho, now i'll get drunk.  woof.'  and the german shepherd is like 'sank you for the food.  now i will march up and down the backyard. voof'.'
- marion cotillard
> kevin pollak

11-19-12

+ 'its bad news today if you liked magazines', craig ferguson informs, 'do you remember magazines? they are like a big papery bloggy thing with a staple in the middle.  like carny wilson!  its a sad day if you like magazines because newsweek announced they are going to stop publishing magazines.  anyway, newsweek is done with printing their magazine, they are going to transition to 'an all digital outlet'.  which is fancy computer speak for 'porn'.  the last paper copy of newsweek will be published in january.  so to prepare for this, old people are starting to scotch tape copies of newsweek on to their monitors.  i'm thinking this is the end of an era!  i mean, newsweek started in the 1930's.  things were different back then, america was stuck in an economic depression, the president was accused of being a free spending socialist.  oh, how times have changed...'
- regis philbin he even brings in a photo of himself to put on the mantel!
- katie aselton

11-16-12

+ 'this is a day i've been waiting for all year', criag ferguson admits, 'today is a very important day because twilight: breaking dawn part 2 comes out today!  i'm so sad though because they are saying that this is the last twilight movie ever.  i'm like 'no!'  so i'm happy but i'm sad, i dont know whether to rejoice or to cry.  its like if somebody said to me 'craig, you can have your own tv show, but its on cbs at 12:30 at night'.  stephanie meyer wrote the twilight books, the final book was split in to two movies.  now, sometimes a studio will do this just to make money, but with twilight it was different, there was just too much source material for one film!  ha ha!  i'm kidding, it was for the money.  so far the twilight movies have made two and a half billion dollars, thats almost as much money as mit romney spent to lose the election!  but the new movie will make a lot of money too.  i dont believe for one second that this will be the last one.  its not because this is what will happen:  the twi-hards are a lot of teenage girls and about ten years from now some of these teenage girls will be running movie studios in hollywood.  they will be like 'i think we should bring back the twilight movies for a new generation!'  and if they dont do that maybe president bieber will insist on it!'
- james spader
* cynthia littleton

richie sambora house band

for years craig ferguson has been complaining that all the other late night talk shows have their own house band but he doesnt.  a couple weeks ago he and geoff peterson were getting in to it again and craig suggested that they have richie sambora, the guitarist from bon jovi, be the house band.  as they were taking that idea and running with it, they decided that they wanted him to come, but not to play the guitar.  rather, richie would come and play a tiny harp and bongos naked!  recently richie actually stopped by the show to try to make it happen for real!
'i'm very excited!  geoff, remember i was saying that i wanted a house band?' craig asks.
'richie sambora' geoff responds.
'i said i wanted richie sambora- guess who's here?!?'  craig questions, just as richie sambora comes walking out on stage!
'i heard you were talking about me on the show', richie says.
'i was talking about you a little bit', craig admits, 'i thought it would be great if you would be our house band on the show but not necessarily playing the guitar.  just you, naked, playing a tiny little harp!'
'i really love the show', richie responds, 'but i'm not going to be naked playing the harp.  but i'll tell ya what, as long as you let me play some of my songs, i'd be fine with that!'
turns out they are actually going to make it happen!  richie sambora will be the late late show house band for a week starting on december 3!

11-15-12

+ craig starts off the show with a little bit of poetry!  he reads 'a dream' from edger allen poe.
+ 'its the great american smoke-out', craig ferguson informs, 'i think we are supposed to shame people into not smoking.  i'm not going to do that.  i used to smoke and i had a good excuse to start:  i lived in scotland.  i quit smoking cigarettes about 15 years ago, i still smoke a little meth, but...   no, i dont smoke anything.  the only time you will see me light up is when there's a sale at hot topic!  sometimes though i do get a craving and people say 'hey craig, try one of those e-cigarettes' and i'm like 'no thanks!' thats like drinking 'near beer'.  people have offered me near beer but it has alcohol in it!  if i drink near beer i'll move on to near whiskey, i'll end up doing a near line of coke and i'll end up in near jail with a near sore ass!'
- max greenfield
- lucy punch

11-14-12

+ 'you know who's birthday it is today?' criag ferguson questions, 'happy birthday to his royal highness prince charles, who is 64 today.  he didnt want any celebrations, just a quiet day silently plotting the death of his mother.  prince charles is spending his birthday in new zeeland, which is part of his 'places we used to own' tour.  it hasnt been an easy trip, a lot of people in new zeeland have been mistaking him for gollom from lord of the rings.  'hey mate, have you found your precious?'  if you want to send prince charles a birthday card, remember to use his official title which is: charles, prince of wales, duke of cornwall, duke of rosly, duke of earle, kings of leon, queens of the stone age, prince of persia, sons of anarchy.  it would be a pain in the ass to have a name that long- its really hard on the girl who's writing names on the cups at starbucks.  anyway, happy birthday, prince charles.  i think prince charles should give his son prince william a lesson in manners.  its been almost a year since he was married to princess kiki wigglesworth and i have still yet to receive the thank you for my gift.  slap-chops aint cheep, ya royal bastard!'
- billy crystal
- berenice marlohe

11-13-12

+ 'its a great day if you like video games', criag ferguson shares, 'today was the release of call of duty: black ops 2.  you know i love the video games!  i saw people camped out last night waiting for it, i thought it was some kind of 'occupy toys r us' or something like that.  and it was right next to the line for twilight.  the gamer people and the twilight people- there was nearly a dance off!  anyway, the video game takes place in the year 2025, the us is feuding with china, drug cartels threaten our shores, but the most disturbing part about this video game, and this is true, the secretary of defense character is portrayed by david patraeus.  its true, i'm not making it up.  patraeus gave his permission a couple of hears ago, for more than this it turned out, but it really is him!  even though general patraeus is the secretary of defense he's not in the game very much, he spends most of his time in the hotel room getting debriefed!'
* j r martinez
= toby keith

11-12-12

+ dj qualls stops by to have a chat during the opening segment.
+ 'its a tricky day for general david patraeus', criag ferguson states, 'the cia director has resigned.  the fbi caught him having an affair with his biographer.  groping civilians on the government dime, general patraeus?  you work for the cia, not the tsa!  i think there is a bit of a double standard here, the head of the cia gets caught having sex and he has to resign, meanwhile a british special agent has sex with a bunch of women and makes 90 million at the box office.  where's the justice here?  no one knows what general patraeus will do next, all i know is that he's in for a pretty awkward thanksgiving- 'can you pass the gravy?'  'why dont you get your slut to pass the gravy!'.  'craig, its almost as if youve been down this kind of road yourself'.  mmhmm!  looking back on it, all the signs were there: paula broadwell's biography about patraeus is called 'all in'.  i dont think i could come up with anything better!  can we come up with any better double entendre for a book title about the general?  'embedded',  'call of booty',  'honorable discharge', 'weapon of ass destruction'.  anyway, general patraeus spend the weekend cleaning out his office, you know, putting his junk in a box...'
> dave attell
= nikki reed

11-09-12

uh oh! its lights out again!  i thought this problem was fixed when they moved to the new studio?  well, so did craig...
+ 'this creepy foreign gentleman in the dark dark studio', craig ferguson begins, 'used to live in another studio.  when it rained there was a hole in the roof, and there were power outages all the time.  then one day cbs gave him a new shiney studio and they said 'dont worry, there will never be any power outages in the new studio..'  here's the deal, the power has apparently been going off and on.  we think we have enough power for the monologue, but to be honest with you, i dont know if its worth turning the lights on for...  'so what your saying is that the rest of the show is going to be in this creepy twilight thing?'  hey, it worked for kristen stewart!'
- eric idle talks and sings
- emily vancamp

11-08-12

+ 'if you know anything about me, you know i am addicted to shopping', craig ferguson admits, 'today walmart announced their black friday deals.  i'm still hung over from the election, so whats the cure?  the christmas shopping season is finally upon us!  hurray!  black friday is the day after thanksgiving, its the day you find all the real bargains   it works on our innate desire to save money and our innate desire to get the hell away from your family after thanksgiving!  most black friday items are geared toward young people, but theres stuff for people my age too.  for example, kmart is running a deal on pants that come up to your armpits.  'ooh, you cant get these at hot topic!'  this year some big retail outlets are starting their sales on thanksgiving night, which wont work for me, i spend every thanksgiving night washing the gravy out of my eyebrows.  thats what happens when you go bobbin' for giblets!'
- ll cool j
- naomie harris
= sutton foster

11-07-12

+ 'finally the residents of boulder and seattle can enjoy their first taste of marijuana ', craig ferguson states, 'the governor of colorado made a speech last night reminding citizens that smoking weed is still against federal law.  i'm not making this up, and i quote, 'do not break out the cheetos and goldfish too quickly'.  stoners are like 'dude, put them away, the governor can see us on tv!'  here in l.a. we had some local things on the ballot.  we had some strange measures.  one of them was about whether to require condoms in pornography, and it passed pretty easily.  voters realized that making porn stars use condoms doesnt just help the porn stars, but it helps charlie sheen!  the porn stars are not happy about the ballot, they are not going to take this sitting down, maybe over the chair, but not sitting down...'
- matthew perry
- rza

11-05-12

+ 'the election is almost over', craig ferguson informs, 'so here we are again, the election has come down to undecided voters.  so if you are still undecided: what the fuck is wrong with you?!?  whats wrong with you?!?  seriously!  these guys have spend billions laying out totally different visions for our future, and you still havent made your mind up?!?  whats it going to take?!?  there's not a bikini competition... theres not a bikini competition, is there?  anyway, personally cant wait to say goodbye to the election, and also to people who complain that the election has gone on too long.  oh wait, thats me.  here in california we get off pretty easy, but for those who live in swing states, i am terribly sorry.  your airwaves have been so clogged with negative ads you'll be looking forward to seeing regular ads- seeing an ad for piece of crap like the slap-chop will be like a breath of fresh air!'
+ larry king's presidential election history
= tenacious d
- sarah shahi

11-02-12

+ 'it is, of course, friday!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'its a great day if you like kung fu cause the movie i've been waiting for is coming out: the man with the iron fists.  its got russell crow in this movie,  i cant tell you if its fat russell crow or this russell crow, and frankly to me it doesnt matter.  russell crow doesnt need nunchucks or a sword, he can take you out with a phone!  in this movie he plays a character in the movie called jack knife cause he uses a jackknife in battle.  its a lethal fighting name, its more lethal than his side kick fred bedazzler.  i cant imagine though, having that happen, its called 'man with the iron fists', can you imagine having fists made of iron?  it would be kind of a mixed bag, it would be good when you are fighting, but what about when its... other things?  what about when its time to have a little self massage?  it would be like having sex with a volvo!'
- michael sheen
> thomas dale

11-01-12

+ 'the big news in hollywood today', craig ferguson shares, 'disney has bought the rights to the star wars movies for four billion dollars!  after the deal was signed, goofy turned to r2d2 and said 'guhyuck, your my robot now, bitch!'  four billion dollars!  thats a lot of money!  now, george lucas was already loaded, but now he's got more money than cher has faces.  the first thing disney announced after the deal was done is that they are making a new star wars trilogy.  there's going to be more, the new one is going to be released in 2015.  so let me be the first to congratulate the star wars fans: live long and prosper!'
- joel mchale
-> alton brown

10-31-12

+ 'i had a very tough time coming up with a halloween costume idea', craig ferguson states, 'eventually i settled.  one of my ideas was a very obvious choice, i was going to go out as the australian prime minister julia gillard.  i know what you are thinking, 'come on craig, everyone goes out as the australian prime minister!  you just wanted an excuse to put on a tight dress and a wig and boobies'  i dont need an excuse for that!  now here's the thing, i would go as the australian prime minister because last week i had a dream where i was the australian prime minister, i woke up and it stayed with me.  for a minute i had to remember i wasnt! i mean, cause i was like 'alright, i have to get that bill about kangaroos through parliament.
- rashida jones
- david morrissey

10-30-12

+ 'its a great day for america everybody', criag ferguson exclaims, 'i dont suppose its great, but its getting a little better.  the storm is starting to pass the east coast.  the people are starting the long process of cleaning up.  for those on the east coast, help is on the way.  finally today we heard that pippa middleton's new book is coming out.  and its about throwing parties!  you've got to ask yourself, shouldnt you cancel the party book?  hurricane sandy is all over the east coast and they are like 'oh well, people will want a book about parties!'  whenever i plan a party i always ask 'wwpd'?  what would pippa do?  finally i have an answer, and pippa's book is called 'celebrate: a year of festivities for family and friends, how to put on a proper british party'.  this is bad timing for a book about throwing parties, especially from someone so close to the royal family.  'here's how to throw a royal party:  have your servants do stuff, and then enjoy the party!'  to be fair though, pippa's family made their fortune making party supplies.  but she is only famous because of her brother-in-law, prince william.  her sister is, whats her name, kate wigglesworth.  and her brother-in-law is prince harry, he's writing a book too, its not about parties, its more about balls.'
- jay leno

10-29-12

+ 'you know what i did today?' craig ferguson asks, 'i got a flu shot.  i get one every year, thats how i roll.  its a good idea to get a flu shot right now because we are officially entering cold and flu season.  cold and flu season is especially problematic here in hollywood because its also oscar season!  the oscar season means one thing: ass kissing- and that leads directly to influenza!  so remember this, hollywood people, when you are kissing someone's ass, you are also kissing the ass of everyone else who's ass they have already kissed.  its the circle of ass kissing.  doctors say that now is the best time to get a flu shot because it takes a couple weeks to get working, and you want it working before thanksgiving.  cause thats when everyone travels, people get on airplanes, they spread germs all over the country faster than tabloids spread rumors about me and katie curic...'
- tom hanks
> phil hanley

10-26-12

+ 'i'm going to see cloud atlas over the weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'tom hanks is on the show on monday!  i'm going to ask him about his other movie, you know, that one where he spends the whole time talking to that leathery deflated ball.  you know... meg ryan.  ahh!  its a joke! its a joke!  i love her, please dont think i'm having a celebrity feud with meg ryan, i'm not.  i adore meg ryan, she's had a bit of work done, but i love her.  who doesn't like meg ryan?  al quida, thats who.  anyway, i'm talking about tom hanks.  looking back at his movies i see a pattern  in toy story he played the cowboy, in saving private ryan he played the soldier, in cast away he played the shirtless hairy dude.  if he can play a native american he will have achieved something called 'the village people grand slam'!'
+ a special message from president bill clinton
- amanda peet
- john cho

10-25-12

+ eddie izzard drops by to plug his new show and do some role playing with craig.
+ 'its a great day for barak obama', craig ferguson states, 'because today colon powell endorsed obama for president.  the news surprised many elderly americans who thought they were the same person.  'craig, what are you saying?' you know what i'm saying...  there is a lot going on today, but to me there's only one real story today, thats because its day two of my feud with katie curic.  i talked about this last night, but a tabloid magazine that shall remain nameless, the star, says that i am angry with katie curic and it implies we had a 'thing'.  its written down, so it must be true!  i'm still shaking from this article, and also decades of substance abuse.  lets pretend its about the article...  it says that i am seething with jealousy over katie's ratings.  thats ridiculous, i'm not jealous of her ratings, i'm jealous of her legs!  now, normally i dont read the tabloids of course, i prefer to get my celebrity news the old fashioned way: peeping through their windows!  i actually called katie today to make sure everything was cool.  i laughed at her response, she said 'craig who? how did you get this number?'  i'm going to say something controversial now: a lot of the stuff in the tabloids is made up.  except the astrology section, thats real...'
- michael chiklis
- maggie grace

10-24-12

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson exclaims, 'i know what you are thinking 'craig, you are a human being of sorts, it cant be a great day for you every day'.  its not a great day for me.  i'm very upset.  so i think 'oh, today is my favorite day, the day that star magazine comes out'  so i rushed off to the newsstand and picked up the latest issue.  i'm going through it, i'm looking at the celebrities, and then i come to a page and i find this: i am having a feud with katie curic and i didnt even know about it!  it says 'abandoned by craig'  and there's katie looking all beautiful and lovely, which she is, and theres me looking like a bastard.  i'm like 'no katie, your loveliness will not be accepted by me because i'm a bastard!'  here's what it says: katie curic's daytime talk show is quickly making her the queen of the airwaves and has her fellow television host seeing green.  apparently i am very jealous of katie's ratings.  we are on at different times of day!  she's on during the day and i'm on in the middle of the fucking night!!!  oh, and here's a quote from a friend of mine: 'he's totally bitter and annoyed by her success'.  you know the weirdest thing about gossip?  katie's been trying to approach me, apparently.  i'm like 'where?'  it says craig's friends think that he and katie either dated at some point- i wish! or she has spurned his advances.  this is true. and then there's the quote 'there is no other explanation for his sour grapes'.  'craig is not interested in repairing their friendship  from 'a source'.  this is how insidious gossip is: i'm reading this and i'm like 'well, there's no smoke without fire'.  yes there is smoke without fire!  look, let me get this straight katie, i am interested in repairing our friendship!  except i never knew about this- now i dont know what to believe!  whats going on?!?'
- susan sarandon
* david benioff

10-23-12

+ 'today apple has unveiled another gadget', craig ferguson informs, 'its the ipad mini, which is like an ipod touch but smaller, or like an ipad but smaller.  the point is its awesome and amazing- you are a loser if you dont have one!  the ipad mini is only eight inches long.  i'm like 'apple, dont go around telling people that eight inches is a mini!'  it may be a mini to me, but i'm thinking of the self esteem of my brothers!  why not call the old one the ipad maxi.  oh wait...  dont you get the sense that apple are just taking the same material and putting it out in different shapes?  its like a clown with balloon animals- i feel like i'm getting played here!'
+ a special message from former president bill clinton
* dr. phil mcgraw
- hana mae lee

10-22-12

+ 'its not such a good day for lance armstrong', craig ferguson shares, 'stripped of all seven tour de france titles.  i thought maybe they would let him keep one.  awe, come on, let him keep just one!  anyway, everyone in this room should be proud.  congratulations, we have now all won as many tour de frances as lance armstrong...  you know the officials are saying that new tests show that a vile of lance armstrong's blood was more tainted than his bycicle seat.  anyway, armstrong today said that he doesnt have the energy to fight this decision but his lawyers said that will probably change after he's had a few more steroids!'
- bryan cranston
* dr. lisa masterson

10-19-12

+ 'i'm a little riled up', criag ferguson admits, 'i got a lot of flack.  you know what happened last night?  last night when i came out i was coming out to do the traditional late night monologue and i got a little bored, so i stopped and went to my desk.  and there have been meetings!  people are up set!  there have been tweets and email coming in all day long!  people are going nuts about this.  and i'm like 'why? its all right, just be chillin!'  do you know what?  i'm a little bored of doing the monologue again tonight.  i'll go over and do it again!'  craig then goes to his desk and runs right into the tweets and emails segment.  he's goin' crazy!
- chelsea handler
> nina conti
= allen stone

10-18-12

+ 'its day three of the rotterdam investigations into the hundred million dollar art heist ' craig ferguson states, 'its the big story that no one else on television is covering.  'why are you covering it, craig?'  because its free! authorities are saying it was a smash and grab robbery rather than the work of professionals.  so basically it was the opposite of that heist movie 'entrapment'.  you know, the one where sean connery trains catherine zeta jones and she maneuvers through the lasers and connery is like 'almosht, but you triped the shylent alarm in my troushers.  i mean of courshe my erecshon.  come over here and disharm it.'  anyway, the big art heist has forced me to take extra precautions with my art collection.  i now have an armed guard watching my posters of cats dressed like victorian english ladies.  i wouldnt want anyone stealing my 'downton tabbies'!'
- kelsey grammer
- casey wilson
> ben hague

10-17-12

+ 'of course everyone is still talking about last night's presidential debate',  craig ferguson states, 'i'm not though, you know how i feel about it: the same way as you, viewer.  by this time of night everyone on tv has said everything there is to say, there's no political commentary here.  if you are tuning in to the show for political commentary, you dont deserve any.  you deserve an immigrant  a gay robot, and a horse, and thats what you are going to get!  thats right, tonight you are getting lucky!  watching this show for political commentary would be like watching nightline for the fart jokes, or watching bravo to learn about sports.  it would be like going to amanda bynes for driving lessons, its like going to larry king for marital advice.  all i'm saying is that coming here for political commentary isnt a good idea.  and to be honest, i didnt even watch the debates.  i dont want 'information' getting in the way of my strategy, and thats to vote for the candidate with the prettiest eyes!'
+ a special message from former president bill clinton
# carson kressley
# kay adams
+ what did we learn on the show tonight, prince charles and steve jones from the sex pistols?

10-16-12

+ 'the big story out of europe today', craig ferguson leads, 'was the art heist out of roterdam.  the theft took place at an art museum, it was a very big heist.  experts say that its the biggest heist since someone took obama's balls during the first debate.  the dutch police arent sure if the thieves were professionals because they got away with paintings by matisse and monet, but they didnt take anything by salvador dali.  right now the police are searching for the paintings all over the netherlands, inside homes, on top of buildings, tucked between dykes...  anyway, i was sad to hear that the paintings are still missing, the museum will be empty.  how will i pass the time when i visit the netherlands?!?  youre right, drugs and hookers...  in a way though, youve got to hand it to these thieves.  its not easy sneaking up and stealing stuff in the netherlands, usually your wooden shoes give you away!'
- lauren graham
* james patterson
= michael kiwanuka

10-15-12

+ 'it was a big weekend for felix baumgartner, the austrian daredevil who broke the world record for skydiving', craig ferguson shares, 'he jumped off a balloon 24 miles high and then fell to the earth so fast he broke the sound barrier.  thats fast!  how fast is that?  faster than president obama's poll numbers after the debate, fell faster than bill clinton's pants at a strip club, fell faster than madonna's boobies when she takes off her top!  i've got another one: faster than my balls- i'm old!  the footage of his jump is amazing, really.  at one point he starts spinning uncontrollably- like me during the 1980's but with less vomit!  i saw him wearing the elaborate space suit with all the cushions and the padding and i thought 'you see arnold schwarzenegger, some austrians do use protection!'  here's what i think is amazing: baumgartner landed completely upright on his feet- thats impressive, i can barely do that when i get out of bed!'
- jeff goldblum
- sarah paulson

10-05-12

+ 'its friday of course, everybody', craig ferguson states, 'and a big weekend at the box office.  taken 2 is opening this weekend and i am so excited!  i loved the first one, liam neeson has this great line in the first movie.  he's talking to the bad guys and he goes 'i have a very unique set of skills.  i will find you, and i will kill you.'  its a good thing he played a killer trained by the cia.  the movie wouldnt have been any good if he said 'i have a unique set of skills.  i will find you, and i will repair your washing mashine'.  i love that movie!  my favorite line in the movie is he is trying to convince his ex-wive's new husband stuart to help find his daughter.  this stuart jerk isnt helping. and he says, i'll paraphrase it, but he says 'now is not the time for penis measuring, stuart'.  now, this to me, raises a very important question:  is there every an appropriate time where you go 'you know, now would be a good time for a penis measuring contest'.'
* dr. sanjay gupta
- ginnifer goodwin

10-04-12

+ 'tonight's season premiere of 'jersey shore' was bitter sweet', criag ferguson explains, 'cause its the last one.  mtv says they are ending the show to give the cast members a rest, which is code for 'we are getting our asses kicked by honey boo boo.  let this be a lesson to you, hit tv shows, there is always a younger crappier show ready to take your place.  i'm going to miss the jersey shore kids, what are their names again?  there's ronnie, sammy, vinnie, dickie, sparky, sneezy, dopey, pee pee, tito, and regis.  they all looked so young and cuddly in season one, but you have to admit they are starting to show their age.  it hasnt always been easy going for the jersey shore, some italian american groups were protesting it.  they were saying that the show reinforces negative cultural stereotypes about itailan americans.  their exact words were 'mama mia!  these-a jersey shores are a spicy meatballs!'  anyway, nothing against these jersey shore kids, but i cant believe that show lasted as long as they did.  six seasons, thats longer than the wire was on tv.  thats twice as long as the original star trek.  six seasons, thats six seasons longer than anything on the new nbc schedule- thats terrible! then again, this show is in year eight? nine?  the critics of this show said that we would run out of steam after the first year.  they were absolutely right, of course...'
- roseanne barr
- keke parlmer

10-03-12

+ 'everyone, of course, is talking about the presidential debate earlier on tonight', craig ferguson states, 'i watched it and wow, my goodness.  i watched it in denver tonight, and wasnt it great?  i liked the part where romney was like 'yeah, tax cuts!'  and obama was like 'boo rich people' and clinton was like 'which one of you needs a wingman for after the debate?'.  personally i think this debate was an instant classic.  people are already calling it 'the full throttle in colorado', 'the talkie in the rockies', the 'ooh, that stings in colorado springs'.  the host of the debate is jim leher, that dude from pbs.  for some reason they chose this dude over elmo.  personally i think they would have been better with elmo.  'elmo wants to know when we will bomb canada'.  anyway, some people always complain that the debate moderators are always asking 'gotcha' questions, but i dont think they are gotcha enough.  i think the candidate should be more surprised   you should lull the candidate into a false sense of security and then pounce.  like you say 'mr. romney, you say you support tax cuts for the middle class, but... team edward or team jacob?  answer the question!'  like that!'
+ a special message from former president bill clinton.
- keanu reeves
* dan riskin

10-02-12

+ 'its a great day if you like the twilight movies', craig ferguson states, 'oh, i do!  who doesnt like twilight?  even al quida loves twilight.  'team edward or team jacob?  i dont know!'  anyway, they released a new poster of the next twilight movie.  it looks like they are running a race or something.  i'll bet bella wins because she cheats...  hey!  that was a real joke there!'
- mindy kaling
> carrot top

10-01-12

+ 'arnold schwarzenegger is doing publicity because his book 'total recall' is coming out today', craig ferguson shares, 'i've read it already, of course, and arnold's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife.  that is why it is a million pages long.  i cant believe he managed to keep so many secrets, people believed his lies, even though, lets be fair, he is the worst actor of his generation!  but i dont like to think of arnold as just a terrible actor, he was also a terrible governor, and he was the creator of a terrible restaurant chain!  do you remember planet hollywood?  you get the movie themed meals, it was 'silence of the lamb chops', 'the good, the bad, and the baked potato', 'edward sausage hands'.  anyway, it doesnt matter what you think of arnold schwarzenegger, you have to admit he has lived a fascinating life: bodybuilder, actor, politician.  he has done so many things its easier to list the things he hasnt done: wear a condom!'
+ an excerpt from arnold schwarzenegger.  a brief sketch where an arnold impersonator reads fake excerpts from his autobiography.
- ethan hawk
> lynyrd skynyrd

9-28-12

+ 'here in l.a. everyone is in panic mode', craig ferguson shares, 'were are all kind of 'ahhh!'  because its carmageddon 2 this weekend!  yeah, no one gives a rats ass.  for those of you who dont live in l.a., first of all, congratulations, and secondly, let me explain to you what carmageddon is.  its what the local media is calling this weekend because one of our main freeways is being shut down for a few days.  yes- carmageddon!  the result of this phenomenon is really bad traffic.  we are all being advised to stay home, not to drive.  the entire population of l.a. is being treated like amanda bynes.  i have to drive this weekend!  if i cant drive i have to walk to my weekend job, and i hate that.  i'm not going to walk five miles in stripper heals!  the goldfish will die!  the freeway thats closing here in l.a. is the 405.  its the main freeway of the city.  its getting some work done.  sooner or later everyone on l.a. takes some time off to 'get some work done'...'
- michael c hall
- martha plimpton

a bill clinton message

it looks like craig ferguson has added a new impression to his repertoire: bill clinton.  craig regularly plays sean connery, michael caine, and prince charles, but he recently began adding an impression of clinton in his new segment called 'a special message from former president bill clinton' where craig, with a beauty on each arm, makes some political statements that are heavy on the double (or not so double) entendres.  wearing a grey wig, craig as clinton states 'in our current partisan atmosphere, i think we can all agree on one thing:  brunettes can be every bit as hot as blondes.  but its the red heads that take it all the way up to defcon freaky!'

9-27-12

+ 'our long national nightmare is over', craig ferguson cheers, 'the nfl refs are back! hurray!  its official, we have returned to the most hated people in america once again are divorce lawyers.  when i heard the nfl was bringing back real refs i though 'all is right in the land'.  then i watched honey boo boo and i went back to thinking 'nope, we're screwed.'  today in the nfl the commissioner announced the deal and apologized to the fans for the poor performance of the replacement refs.  he also said that he's a bit sorry for the cleveland browns.  we're like 'i know'.  i look forward to your angry hate mail.  the integrity of the game of football has been restored.  from now on if you want to turn on your tv and see someone with no clue how to do their job, you will have to watch this show again!'
- anne heche
- jennifer carpenter