11-01-12

+ 'the big news in hollywood today', craig ferguson shares, 'disney has bought the rights to the star wars movies for four billion dollars!  after the deal was signed, goofy turned to r2d2 and said 'guhyuck, your my robot now, bitch!'  four billion dollars!  thats a lot of money!  now, george lucas was already loaded, but now he's got more money than cher has faces.  the first thing disney announced after the deal was done is that they are making a new star wars trilogy.  there's going to be more, the new one is going to be released in 2015.  so let me be the first to congratulate the star wars fans: live long and prosper!'
- joel mchale
-> alton brown

10-31-12

+ 'i had a very tough time coming up with a halloween costume idea', craig ferguson states, 'eventually i settled.  one of my ideas was a very obvious choice, i was going to go out as the australian prime minister julia gillard.  i know what you are thinking, 'come on craig, everyone goes out as the australian prime minister!  you just wanted an excuse to put on a tight dress and a wig and boobies'  i dont need an excuse for that!  now here's the thing, i would go as the australian prime minister because last week i had a dream where i was the australian prime minister, i woke up and it stayed with me.  for a minute i had to remember i wasnt! i mean, cause i was like 'alright, i have to get that bill about kangaroos through parliament.
- rashida jones
- david morrissey

10-30-12

+ 'its a great day for america everybody', criag ferguson exclaims, 'i dont suppose its great, but its getting a little better.  the storm is starting to pass the east coast.  the people are starting the long process of cleaning up.  for those on the east coast, help is on the way.  finally today we heard that pippa middleton's new book is coming out.  and its about throwing parties!  you've got to ask yourself, shouldnt you cancel the party book?  hurricane sandy is all over the east coast and they are like 'oh well, people will want a book about parties!'  whenever i plan a party i always ask 'wwpd'?  what would pippa do?  finally i have an answer, and pippa's book is called 'celebrate: a year of festivities for family and friends, how to put on a proper british party'.  this is bad timing for a book about throwing parties, especially from someone so close to the royal family.  'here's how to throw a royal party:  have your servants do stuff, and then enjoy the party!'  to be fair though, pippa's family made their fortune making party supplies.  but she is only famous because of her brother-in-law, prince william.  her sister is, whats her name, kate wigglesworth.  and her brother-in-law is prince harry, he's writing a book too, its not about parties, its more about balls.'
- jay leno

10-29-12

+ 'you know what i did today?' craig ferguson asks, 'i got a flu shot.  i get one every year, thats how i roll.  its a good idea to get a flu shot right now because we are officially entering cold and flu season.  cold and flu season is especially problematic here in hollywood because its also oscar season!  the oscar season means one thing: ass kissing- and that leads directly to influenza!  so remember this, hollywood people, when you are kissing someone's ass, you are also kissing the ass of everyone else who's ass they have already kissed.  its the circle of ass kissing.  doctors say that now is the best time to get a flu shot because it takes a couple weeks to get working, and you want it working before thanksgiving.  cause thats when everyone travels, people get on airplanes, they spread germs all over the country faster than tabloids spread rumors about me and katie curic...'
- tom hanks
> phil hanley

10-26-12

+ 'i'm going to see cloud atlas over the weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'tom hanks is on the show on monday!  i'm going to ask him about his other movie, you know, that one where he spends the whole time talking to that leathery deflated ball.  you know... meg ryan.  ahh!  its a joke! its a joke!  i love her, please dont think i'm having a celebrity feud with meg ryan, i'm not.  i adore meg ryan, she's had a bit of work done, but i love her.  who doesn't like meg ryan?  al quida, thats who.  anyway, i'm talking about tom hanks.  looking back at his movies i see a pattern  in toy story he played the cowboy, in saving private ryan he played the soldier, in cast away he played the shirtless hairy dude.  if he can play a native american he will have achieved something called 'the village people grand slam'!'
+ a special message from president bill clinton
- amanda peet
- john cho

10-25-12

+ eddie izzard drops by to plug his new show and do some role playing with craig.
+ 'its a great day for barak obama', craig ferguson states, 'because today colon powell endorsed obama for president.  the news surprised many elderly americans who thought they were the same person.  'craig, what are you saying?' you know what i'm saying...  there is a lot going on today, but to me there's only one real story today, thats because its day two of my feud with katie curic.  i talked about this last night, but a tabloid magazine that shall remain nameless, the star, says that i am angry with katie curic and it implies we had a 'thing'.  its written down, so it must be true!  i'm still shaking from this article, and also decades of substance abuse.  lets pretend its about the article...  it says that i am seething with jealousy over katie's ratings.  thats ridiculous, i'm not jealous of her ratings, i'm jealous of her legs!  now, normally i dont read the tabloids of course, i prefer to get my celebrity news the old fashioned way: peeping through their windows!  i actually called katie today to make sure everything was cool.  i laughed at her response, she said 'craig who? how did you get this number?'  i'm going to say something controversial now: a lot of the stuff in the tabloids is made up.  except the astrology section, thats real...'
- michael chiklis
- maggie grace

10-24-12

+ 'its a great day for america, everybody', craig ferguson exclaims, 'i know what you are thinking 'craig, you are a human being of sorts, it cant be a great day for you every day'.  its not a great day for me.  i'm very upset.  so i think 'oh, today is my favorite day, the day that star magazine comes out'  so i rushed off to the newsstand and picked up the latest issue.  i'm going through it, i'm looking at the celebrities, and then i come to a page and i find this: i am having a feud with katie curic and i didnt even know about it!  it says 'abandoned by craig'  and there's katie looking all beautiful and lovely, which she is, and theres me looking like a bastard.  i'm like 'no katie, your loveliness will not be accepted by me because i'm a bastard!'  here's what it says: katie curic's daytime talk show is quickly making her the queen of the airwaves and has her fellow television host seeing green.  apparently i am very jealous of katie's ratings.  we are on at different times of day!  she's on during the day and i'm on in the middle of the fucking night!!!  oh, and here's a quote from a friend of mine: 'he's totally bitter and annoyed by her success'.  you know the weirdest thing about gossip?  katie's been trying to approach me, apparently.  i'm like 'where?'  it says craig's friends think that he and katie either dated at some point- i wish! or she has spurned his advances.  this is true. and then there's the quote 'there is no other explanation for his sour grapes'.  'craig is not interested in repairing their friendship  from 'a source'.  this is how insidious gossip is: i'm reading this and i'm like 'well, there's no smoke without fire'.  yes there is smoke without fire!  look, let me get this straight katie, i am interested in repairing our friendship!  except i never knew about this- now i dont know what to believe!  whats going on?!?'
- susan sarandon
* david benioff

10-23-12

+ 'today apple has unveiled another gadget', craig ferguson informs, 'its the ipad mini, which is like an ipod touch but smaller, or like an ipad but smaller.  the point is its awesome and amazing- you are a loser if you dont have one!  the ipad mini is only eight inches long.  i'm like 'apple, dont go around telling people that eight inches is a mini!'  it may be a mini to me, but i'm thinking of the self esteem of my brothers!  why not call the old one the ipad maxi.  oh wait...  dont you get the sense that apple are just taking the same material and putting it out in different shapes?  its like a clown with balloon animals- i feel like i'm getting played here!'
+ a special message from former president bill clinton
* dr. phil mcgraw
- hana mae lee

10-22-12

+ 'its not such a good day for lance armstrong', craig ferguson shares, 'stripped of all seven tour de france titles.  i thought maybe they would let him keep one.  awe, come on, let him keep just one!  anyway, everyone in this room should be proud.  congratulations, we have now all won as many tour de frances as lance armstrong...  you know the officials are saying that new tests show that a vile of lance armstrong's blood was more tainted than his bycicle seat.  anyway, armstrong today said that he doesnt have the energy to fight this decision but his lawyers said that will probably change after he's had a few more steroids!'
- bryan cranston
* dr. lisa masterson

10-19-12

+ 'i'm a little riled up', criag ferguson admits, 'i got a lot of flack.  you know what happened last night?  last night when i came out i was coming out to do the traditional late night monologue and i got a little bored, so i stopped and went to my desk.  and there have been meetings!  people are up set!  there have been tweets and email coming in all day long!  people are going nuts about this.  and i'm like 'why? its all right, just be chillin!'  do you know what?  i'm a little bored of doing the monologue again tonight.  i'll go over and do it again!'  craig then goes to his desk and runs right into the tweets and emails segment.  he's goin' crazy!
- chelsea handler
> nina conti
= allen stone

10-18-12

+ 'its day three of the rotterdam investigations into the hundred million dollar art heist ' craig ferguson states, 'its the big story that no one else on television is covering.  'why are you covering it, craig?'  because its free! authorities are saying it was a smash and grab robbery rather than the work of professionals.  so basically it was the opposite of that heist movie 'entrapment'.  you know, the one where sean connery trains catherine zeta jones and she maneuvers through the lasers and connery is like 'almosht, but you triped the shylent alarm in my troushers.  i mean of courshe my erecshon.  come over here and disharm it.'  anyway, the big art heist has forced me to take extra precautions with my art collection.  i now have an armed guard watching my posters of cats dressed like victorian english ladies.  i wouldnt want anyone stealing my 'downton tabbies'!'
- kelsey grammer
- casey wilson
> ben hague

10-17-12

+ 'of course everyone is still talking about last night's presidential debate',  craig ferguson states, 'i'm not though, you know how i feel about it: the same way as you, viewer.  by this time of night everyone on tv has said everything there is to say, there's no political commentary here.  if you are tuning in to the show for political commentary, you dont deserve any.  you deserve an immigrant  a gay robot, and a horse, and thats what you are going to get!  thats right, tonight you are getting lucky!  watching this show for political commentary would be like watching nightline for the fart jokes, or watching bravo to learn about sports.  it would be like going to amanda bynes for driving lessons, its like going to larry king for marital advice.  all i'm saying is that coming here for political commentary isnt a good idea.  and to be honest, i didnt even watch the debates.  i dont want 'information' getting in the way of my strategy, and thats to vote for the candidate with the prettiest eyes!'
+ a special message from former president bill clinton
# carson kressley
# kay adams
+ what did we learn on the show tonight, prince charles and steve jones from the sex pistols?

10-16-12

+ 'the big story out of europe today', craig ferguson leads, 'was the art heist out of roterdam.  the theft took place at an art museum, it was a very big heist.  experts say that its the biggest heist since someone took obama's balls during the first debate.  the dutch police arent sure if the thieves were professionals because they got away with paintings by matisse and monet, but they didnt take anything by salvador dali.  right now the police are searching for the paintings all over the netherlands, inside homes, on top of buildings, tucked between dykes...  anyway, i was sad to hear that the paintings are still missing, the museum will be empty.  how will i pass the time when i visit the netherlands?!?  youre right, drugs and hookers...  in a way though, youve got to hand it to these thieves.  its not easy sneaking up and stealing stuff in the netherlands, usually your wooden shoes give you away!'
- lauren graham
* james patterson
= michael kiwanuka

10-15-12

+ 'it was a big weekend for felix baumgartner, the austrian daredevil who broke the world record for skydiving', craig ferguson shares, 'he jumped off a balloon 24 miles high and then fell to the earth so fast he broke the sound barrier.  thats fast!  how fast is that?  faster than president obama's poll numbers after the debate, fell faster than bill clinton's pants at a strip club, fell faster than madonna's boobies when she takes off her top!  i've got another one: faster than my balls- i'm old!  the footage of his jump is amazing, really.  at one point he starts spinning uncontrollably- like me during the 1980's but with less vomit!  i saw him wearing the elaborate space suit with all the cushions and the padding and i thought 'you see arnold schwarzenegger, some austrians do use protection!'  here's what i think is amazing: baumgartner landed completely upright on his feet- thats impressive, i can barely do that when i get out of bed!'
- jeff goldblum
- sarah paulson

10-05-12

+ 'its friday of course, everybody', craig ferguson states, 'and a big weekend at the box office.  taken 2 is opening this weekend and i am so excited!  i loved the first one, liam neeson has this great line in the first movie.  he's talking to the bad guys and he goes 'i have a very unique set of skills.  i will find you, and i will kill you.'  its a good thing he played a killer trained by the cia.  the movie wouldnt have been any good if he said 'i have a unique set of skills.  i will find you, and i will repair your washing mashine'.  i love that movie!  my favorite line in the movie is he is trying to convince his ex-wive's new husband stuart to help find his daughter.  this stuart jerk isnt helping. and he says, i'll paraphrase it, but he says 'now is not the time for penis measuring, stuart'.  now, this to me, raises a very important question:  is there every an appropriate time where you go 'you know, now would be a good time for a penis measuring contest'.'
* dr. sanjay gupta
- ginnifer goodwin

10-04-12

+ 'tonight's season premiere of 'jersey shore' was bitter sweet', criag ferguson explains, 'cause its the last one.  mtv says they are ending the show to give the cast members a rest, which is code for 'we are getting our asses kicked by honey boo boo.  let this be a lesson to you, hit tv shows, there is always a younger crappier show ready to take your place.  i'm going to miss the jersey shore kids, what are their names again?  there's ronnie, sammy, vinnie, dickie, sparky, sneezy, dopey, pee pee, tito, and regis.  they all looked so young and cuddly in season one, but you have to admit they are starting to show their age.  it hasnt always been easy going for the jersey shore, some italian american groups were protesting it.  they were saying that the show reinforces negative cultural stereotypes about itailan americans.  their exact words were 'mama mia!  these-a jersey shores are a spicy meatballs!'  anyway, nothing against these jersey shore kids, but i cant believe that show lasted as long as they did.  six seasons, thats longer than the wire was on tv.  thats twice as long as the original star trek.  six seasons, thats six seasons longer than anything on the new nbc schedule- thats terrible! then again, this show is in year eight? nine?  the critics of this show said that we would run out of steam after the first year.  they were absolutely right, of course...'
- roseanne barr
- keke parlmer

10-03-12

+ 'everyone, of course, is talking about the presidential debate earlier on tonight', craig ferguson states, 'i watched it and wow, my goodness.  i watched it in denver tonight, and wasnt it great?  i liked the part where romney was like 'yeah, tax cuts!'  and obama was like 'boo rich people' and clinton was like 'which one of you needs a wingman for after the debate?'.  personally i think this debate was an instant classic.  people are already calling it 'the full throttle in colorado', 'the talkie in the rockies', the 'ooh, that stings in colorado springs'.  the host of the debate is jim leher, that dude from pbs.  for some reason they chose this dude over elmo.  personally i think they would have been better with elmo.  'elmo wants to know when we will bomb canada'.  anyway, some people always complain that the debate moderators are always asking 'gotcha' questions, but i dont think they are gotcha enough.  i think the candidate should be more surprised   you should lull the candidate into a false sense of security and then pounce.  like you say 'mr. romney, you say you support tax cuts for the middle class, but... team edward or team jacob?  answer the question!'  like that!'
+ a special message from former president bill clinton.
- keanu reeves
* dan riskin

10-02-12

+ 'its a great day if you like the twilight movies', craig ferguson states, 'oh, i do!  who doesnt like twilight?  even al quida loves twilight.  'team edward or team jacob?  i dont know!'  anyway, they released a new poster of the next twilight movie.  it looks like they are running a race or something.  i'll bet bella wins because she cheats...  hey!  that was a real joke there!'
- mindy kaling
> carrot top

10-01-12

+ 'arnold schwarzenegger is doing publicity because his book 'total recall' is coming out today', craig ferguson shares, 'i've read it already, of course, and arnold's book reveals all the secrets he kept from his wife.  that is why it is a million pages long.  i cant believe he managed to keep so many secrets, people believed his lies, even though, lets be fair, he is the worst actor of his generation!  but i dont like to think of arnold as just a terrible actor, he was also a terrible governor, and he was the creator of a terrible restaurant chain!  do you remember planet hollywood?  you get the movie themed meals, it was 'silence of the lamb chops', 'the good, the bad, and the baked potato', 'edward sausage hands'.  anyway, it doesnt matter what you think of arnold schwarzenegger, you have to admit he has lived a fascinating life: bodybuilder, actor, politician.  he has done so many things its easier to list the things he hasnt done: wear a condom!'
+ an excerpt from arnold schwarzenegger.  a brief sketch where an arnold impersonator reads fake excerpts from his autobiography.
- ethan hawk
> lynyrd skynyrd

9-28-12

+ 'here in l.a. everyone is in panic mode', craig ferguson shares, 'were are all kind of 'ahhh!'  because its carmageddon 2 this weekend!  yeah, no one gives a rats ass.  for those of you who dont live in l.a., first of all, congratulations, and secondly, let me explain to you what carmageddon is.  its what the local media is calling this weekend because one of our main freeways is being shut down for a few days.  yes- carmageddon!  the result of this phenomenon is really bad traffic.  we are all being advised to stay home, not to drive.  the entire population of l.a. is being treated like amanda bynes.  i have to drive this weekend!  if i cant drive i have to walk to my weekend job, and i hate that.  i'm not going to walk five miles in stripper heals!  the goldfish will die!  the freeway thats closing here in l.a. is the 405.  its the main freeway of the city.  its getting some work done.  sooner or later everyone on l.a. takes some time off to 'get some work done'...'
- michael c hall
- martha plimpton

a bill clinton message

it looks like craig ferguson has added a new impression to his repertoire: bill clinton.  craig regularly plays sean connery, michael caine, and prince charles, but he recently began adding an impression of clinton in his new segment called 'a special message from former president bill clinton' where craig, with a beauty on each arm, makes some political statements that are heavy on the double (or not so double) entendres.  wearing a grey wig, craig as clinton states 'in our current partisan atmosphere, i think we can all agree on one thing:  brunettes can be every bit as hot as blondes.  but its the red heads that take it all the way up to defcon freaky!'

9-27-12

+ 'our long national nightmare is over', craig ferguson cheers, 'the nfl refs are back! hurray!  its official, we have returned to the most hated people in america once again are divorce lawyers.  when i heard the nfl was bringing back real refs i though 'all is right in the land'.  then i watched honey boo boo and i went back to thinking 'nope, we're screwed.'  today in the nfl the commissioner announced the deal and apologized to the fans for the poor performance of the replacement refs.  he also said that he's a bit sorry for the cleveland browns.  we're like 'i know'.  i look forward to your angry hate mail.  the integrity of the game of football has been restored.  from now on if you want to turn on your tv and see someone with no clue how to do their job, you will have to watch this show again!'
- anne heche
- jennifer carpenter

9-26-12

+ 'wait till you hear, you are going to be so jelous', craig ferguson teases, 'we here in california are getting driverless cars.  they are the cars that run completely on sensors and gigabites and ipods and stuff.  they do it.  california governor jerry brown signed legislation today to make it happen.  soon we will be able to buy a car that will drive itself.  wow!  what next?  bread that toasts itself, gum that chews itself, nfl games that referee themselves?  i dont know if driverless cars will affect us here in l.a., its not really a car town...  no, the driverless car should be available in about ten years.  i'm thinking 'wow, by then i'll be almost 40... just in time for my first midlife crisis.  i can buy a big convertible that drives itself and i'll sit in the back and do something private.  like cry.  whilst masturbating   in the olden days people had to pull a crank to start their cars, now with cars that drive themselves, you can pull your crank!'
- jim parsons
= dispatch

9-25-12

+ 'its a great day here at cbs', craig ferguson explains, 'earlier tonight there was a premiere of the new show 'vegas'.  it was awesome.  i loved it.  its such a good show they didn't even use a dollar sign in the 's' for vegas.  thats how you know its classy.  los vegas, of course, is a great setting for a tv show. its the perfect combanation of glamourous and sleezy... outside of my pants.  now, it stars dennis quaid.  now, i like dennis quaid, he stars as a rancher turned sheriff.  tv shows always love that, dont they?  they always like somebody who is doing a job that they didnt start off doing.  like, she's a ballerina and a detective!  he's scottish and he's on tv!  anyway, he's the sheriff of las vegas and he realizes that vegas is either incompetent or corrupt.  oh no wait, thats the nfl!'
- tom selleck
- june diane raphael

9-24-12

+ 'if i seem like i've got a little extra wind in my sails', craig ferguson admits, 'its because the new season of dancing with the stars was just on earlier tonight and i enjoyed it immensely.  i've also got wind in my sails because i cut holes in my underpants.  everybody loves dancing with the stars, even al quida loves dancing with the stars.  in their latest tape they were like 'death to america, but only after we see joey fatone dance the macarena!'  anyway, dancing with the stars is on abc, but they actually tape it here at television city.  when i drive into the building i see all the people lined up for their audience and its funny to watch them get all excited when they see me come in the artist's entrance and then they are like 'ugh'.  a bit like the audience here, actually.  this season's dancing with the stars is called the 'all stars edition'.  in previous seasons people have complained that they have never heard of the stars.  well, not this year, this is the all star season!  they've got big names, they've got sabrina brian, melissa rycroft, giles marini.  yes, giles marini!  they've got him... or her.'
- dennis quaid
- ellie kemper

9-21-12

+ 'i'll tell you why i'm excited', craig ferguson hints, 'there's some big movies opening today i'm looking forward to.  there's 'the trouble with the curve', which is about my penis.  and the other big movie is 'dredd', which is also about my penis...  trouble with the curve is a clint eastwood movie, clint is a crotchety baseball scout, and dredd is based on an  old british comic that i grew up with.  now, an old british comic book and clint eastwood are very different of course,  one is a wrinkly thing i used to hide in my bed when i was a teenager, and the other is a comic book.  people are giving clint eastwood a bit of flack, some people are saying 'trouble with the curve? what about trouble with the chair! ha ha!'  ok, it was me who said that.  we should have known clint was really in to chairs because of his old movies.  there was 'every which way but stool', 'the armchairs of madison country', 'the good, the bed, and the beanbag'.  anyway, clint eastwood is an icon, he has won so many awards, its easier to mention the awards he hasn't won.  there's the soul train award... and that's about it.'
- neil patrick harris
> gerry dee

9-20-12

+ 'its a great day if you are into space', craig ferguson shares, 'cause there's a moon rock going up for auction today.  this moon rock is five inches tall, it weighs four pounds.  its expected to sell for three hundred and eighty thousand pounds.  thats a lot of money- even mit romney is like 'damn!'  personally, i would never spend that much on a moon rock.  i'm not interested.  i'm only interested in objects from uranus.  i'm talking about space, i have to get the uranus joke out of the way, its comedy rules.  so, lets get uranus out of the way, even if it is adorable!  anyway, the moon is old to me, its yesterday's news.  i'm in to mars now.  the moon is the jonas brothers, while mars is one direction!  the moon was a big deal in the 1960's, but then again, so was lsd.  for you young people, lsd was what your parents got high on because they didnt have bath salts...  anyway, i'm really in to mars, i'm excited about nasa's curiosity rover.  it took off from cape canaveral last november and it landed on mars three weeks ago.  its still faster than flying jet blue, am i right? there's your late night joke!  the curiosity rover has two seperate computer systems, so they probably should have called it bi-curiosity rover!  in space, no one can hear you swoosh...'
- nikki reed
* mitch albom

9-19-12

+ jeff garlin chats with craig during the cold open to promote a movie that he isn't even in.  strange...
+ 'the big story today, of course, is that its national talk like a pirate day', craig ferguson informs, 'that is an actual day, its every year on the nineteenth of septemb-arrr.  talk like a pirate day, its a real day, it was invented ten years ago by two guys in oregon.  which proves my theory: everyone in oregon is stoned all the time!  i dont know the real names of the two guys who started it, but they say their pirate names are ol' chum bucket and captain slappy.  which is weird because ol' chum bucket and captain slappy are what i call my genitals!  i dont know how to chose your pirate name, i dont know how you come up with them.  i think its like porn names, what you do for a pirate name is you take the name of the last person you had sex with and the name of the place you had sex.  so, my pirate name would be 'hand truck stop bathroom'.  historians cant answer the most pressing question i have about pirates:  why wasn't there one in the village people?'
- sophia bush

9-18-12

+ 'its been a pretty tough day for mit romney', craig ferguson states, 'he's in a bit of hot water.  earlier this year mit romney was speaking at a private fundraiser, which is political code of 'rich people fiesta'.  its not a big deal, both parties do it.  their candidates get down on their knees and they beg old rich bastards for money.  its like kissing babies except with more drool and poopy diapers.  well, at the fundraiser, someone secretly taped mit romney doing something insane.  what he did was, and this is it, he was saying what he actually believes!  what the fuck?!? you cant do that!  thats a rookie mistake, mister!  if you want to be president of the united states there's two things you can never do: 1 is you can never say what you really believe, and the other is to admit you were born in kenya.  one of the things he said was that 47 percent of people would never vote for him.  that is pessimistic  mit!  i am surprised, mit romney is a self made man, he took his dad's millions and turned it into millions...  a lot of people are saying its over for him, its not, he's still got six weeks left.  he could still get back in to this thing, he just needs to do something radical, like create a deadly virus that kills off poor people.'
- john goodman
+ larry king's presidential election history
- arjay smith
= melissa etheridge

craig's mantel

one of the new features of craig ferguson's new set on the late late show is a beautiful new fire place and mantel.  every time they cut to geoff peterson you can get a good look at it in the background.  the fire is not real, instead it is a cheesy back lit image of a fireplace that flickers a bit.  the interesting part, though, is what craig has on the mantel.  by taking a closer look, we can get a peek in to craig's mind.  careful!

one one side of the mantel we have some of craig's loved ones: a picture of betty white, a one time regular on the show before she got popular again a couple years ago.  next, a framed picture of david letterman, craig's boss.  got to do a little kissing up, huh?  next to him is a picture of tom snyder, the man who hosted the first incarnation of the late late show.  he passed away a few years ago and craig honors his memory by including his picture.  next to him is a small framed picture of justin bieber.  why?  good question...

next on the mantel is a picture of angela lansbury and then a picture of paul mccartney (or at least that's the order craig would say...).  i'm not entirely sure why, but craig has also included a framed photo of the cussy rabbit puppet that once was a common staple of the late late show.  he, and his puppet friends, havent made appearances on the show in a while.  maybe this is craig's way of letting us know that they wont be back...
along with these items, there is an ever changing selection of other items on the mantel, most of them are given as gifts from guests to add to the mantel.  so far, craig has received:
a porcelain skull from kristen bell
a signed photo of pat sagak from neil patrick harris
a photo of kathy griffin meeting prince charles from kathy griffin
a bamboo plant from julie chen

9-17-12

+ 'a great day if you are any type of royal at all', craig ferguson states, 'prince was on the view this morning.  the musician prince, not the royal prince.  you can tell because he was fully clothed...  barbara walters had some hard hitting questions for prince, she was like 'pwince, do you still weow youw wasbewwy beway?'  anyway, not such a great day for prince william and his lovely bride kikki wigglesworth.  her proper name is, of course, kate middleton.  today an italian magazine published 26 pages of kate middleton naked.  today the door of buckingham palace no longer has the world's most famous royal knockers.  last week the french magazine published two pages of them.  now, i'm not must of a royalist, but i do feel sorry for william and kate.  they were on a private balcony doing what couples do, you know, rubbing oil on each other.  but they were doing it in a british way, you know, they were 'stirring each other's tea', they were 'buttering each other's crumpets', they were 'tasting each other's meat pie'.  insiders are saying that kate is so distracted that she cant focus on her job, which is...?  what a shame!  all i know is this: i am very concerned because usually when something very bad happens to the royal family, elton john writes a song about it.  thats what he does.'
+ a special announcement from former president bill clinton.
- julie chen
# warren sapp
= lianne la havas

9-14-12

+ 'its a big day if you like zombies', craig ferguson says, 'zombies are awesome.  if you like movies about zombies: resident evil retribution opens today!  yes!  i know you dont care, but i'm very excited about it, it stars my favorite actress milla jovovich.  beautiful as she is, i'm not sure that she is that good at killing zombies.  i mean, this is the 15th resident evil movie, how many zombies can there be left?  the movie is directed by milla's husband.  now this is the only time when its ok for an actress to make out with a director. i'm looking at you, kristen!  in these movies milla jovovich is fighting something called the umbrella company. i'm thinking 'wow, you've really given up on the evil mastermind thing when you just call it the umbrella company.  i'm not sure what makes them evil, maybe they open umbrellas indoors.  which is just foolish, really.'
- tom lennon
- brit marling

9-13-12

+ 'tonight is like new years day, the super bowl, and the world series all rolled in to one', craig ferguson announces, 'because tonight is the season premiere of glee!  hurray!  glee is a terrific show, its a lot of fun.  its all about the cheerleader outfits, the heals and the make-up.  and when i'm done getting ready i turn on the tv!  its an amazing show, its turned an entire cast of unknown actors into household names like... um...  well, its got jane lynch, right?  fans of glee are called 'gleeks'.  i wish we had a cool name for people who like this show, but there's not enough of them.  right now they are just called 'people who's cable isnt working'.  glee, of course, is about kids in high school who are in glee club.  you know, scrappy young folk with names like blaine, and racheal, and curt, and snookie, and spuds, and corky, and regis!  i cant really relate to a show like glee or any shows about high school because i wasnt really in high school long enough, i dropped out when i was 15.  and the scottish educational system of the 1970's frowned upon glee of any kind.  we didn't have a glee club, but we did have a glue club.  i was the president, we had our meetings out in the back with paper sacks and airplane glue...'
- katey sagal
- mike massimino

9-12-12

+ 'earlier tonight was the battle of the big music competition programs', craig ferguson shares, 'on nbc you had 'the voice' with that sexy lady.  whats her name? adam levine.  and then at the same time on fox you had the season premiere of simon cowell's 'x-factor'.  two very similar shows both on at the same time.  there hasnt been a match up like this since last month when the political conventions were on against 'honey boo boo'!  the voice wasn't originally supposed to be on tonight but last week nbc decided to move it opposite the x-factor.  they had a very good reason: to piss off simon cowell and apparently it worked!  simon cowell is very angry, he's as angry as clint eastwood is at an empty chair!  simon cowell said, and this is a direct quote, 'i thought there was a gentleman's agreement'. a gentleman's agreement?  in television?  he should know by now there are no gentlemen in television.  although i think one of those real housewives of beverly hills used to be a gentleman.  simon cowell is known for his competition shows, how could he be against real life competition? hmmm...'
- heather graham
- joel stein

9-11-12

+ 'its a big day if you like motorcycle gangs', craig ferguson informs, 'the biker show 'sons of anarchy' kicked off its fifth season tonight on cable.  its rated tv-ma which means nudity.  dont get too excited cause in basic cable 'ma' usually stands for 'man ass'.  sons of anarchy was on earlier tonight and i was torn on what to watch because it conflicts with my other favorite show which stars another surly grizzled hombe, i am of course referring to nancy grace.  she could kick your ass!  she wears a leather jacket on tv, thats pretty bad ass.  anyway, sons of anarchy is about a pack of hard nosed bikers who live outside the law- think lance armstrong but with less crime and drug deals.  the best known of all biker gangs is, of course, the hells angels.  they get a bad wrap sometimes, the hells angels, but being a member comes with perks: they get the leather jacket, the cool thing on it, the brotherhood of the road, they get ten percent off at bath and body works.  when i was growing up there were three guys that i looked up to that made motorcycles cool.  they were the quintisential american bike heroes.  steve mcqueen was one, now thats a movie star!  another bad ass: evil kenivel!  now there you have your redneck biker hero.  there's two tough guys, and the third is prince!  he's so tough he can make doves cry!'
- adam goldberg
- alison becker

9-10-12

+ 'if you like the daytime tv, then today is your lucky day', craig ferguson states, 'jeff probst, katie curic, and ricki lake all premiered new talk shows.  and we need them.  we need them!  to fill the void left by the queen of daytime tv who's voice we all still miss.  thats right, tony danza!  no, the oprah winfrey show has been off for a year now and everyone wants to fill that empty chair left by oprah.  everyone except for clint eastwood, he just wants to yell at that empty chair!  since oprah left everyone has been asking the same question: whose couch will tom cruise jump on?  you know, when he signs a contract for his next new 'wife'.  you know what i say? forget these other talk shows, bring back oprah!  and i have a feeling that in about, oh, six months oprah will be saying that too...'
- ben stein
- rhona mitra

sandra peterson (no relation)

'something weird just happened...' craig ferguson fearfully exclaims, 'geoff and i were mucking about before the show, right geoff?'
'yup, just muckin'.' geoff responds.
'yeah, just muckin about.  nothing strange going on.  just a guy and his gay robot pal.  and i threw a question at him and said 'i dont know, maybe we should ask the rhino' and watch what happens'
'i said 'hi, how are ya?' says the stuffed rhino head above the mantle!
'wow!  i know!  is your name sandra?' craig asks due to the sign under the rhino head that says 'sandra'.
'yeah, sandra peterson.' the rhino head responds.
'sandra peterson?!?' craig asks.
'yeah, no relation though.'
'where are you from?'
'i'm from the east coast, i did some traveling up and down there, and then you know, i came across country and answered geoff's ad and now here i am' sandra responds.
'you put an ad in for a rhino?' craig asks.
geoff answers 'i just said i was horny...'
'well thats good, you are very welcome here' craig tells.
'thank you, its just, you know, you and geoff have a good thing going and i didnt want to interupt the comedy team of abbot and costello, and peterson and ferguson.' sandra replies.
'wait wait, ferguson and peterson' craig corrects.
'i think she had it right the first time' geoff interupts.
'so let me get this straight' craig adds,  'i am now going to be heckled by a gay robot appliance and a wall hanging?  that pleases me...'

9-07-12

+ 'this week was the 40th anniversary of the price is right', craig ferguson shares, 'the big tv special was on tuesday and bob barker says he wasnt asked to be part of it.  i know! apparently the price is right said to its fans 'come on down!  except you bob barker, you stay right there!'  bob is having a war of words with the producers and you dont want to get in a war with barker, he's old school- he'll go plinko on your ass!'  his exact words were 'they chose to ignore me, they havent even offered me a dvd.'  thats true!  when i heard that i was shocked, i was like 'bob barker knows how to use a dvd player?'  i'm kidding, he's a broadcasting legend.  not inviting bob barker to a price is right tv special is like not inviting tom selleck to a mustache convention!
- kunal nayyar
- lauren miller

9-06-12

+ 'its a great day today if you like the music videos', craig ferguson informs, 'the vma's were earlier tonight.  now, vma stands for video music awards, yet people say 'vma awards'.  now, thats like saying 'video music awards awards'.  its like atm means 'automated teller machine', but people say they are looking for the atm machine which is like the automated teller machine machine!  sometimes i realize i'm just a mad old man saying stuff in the middle of the night.  its not jokes at all, its just 'argh!'  now, the vma's are downtown at the l.a. staple center.  its an arena, the staple center, it is not the back of joan rivers' neck.  you know, for years the vma's were at radio city music hall in new york city but now its in the staples center, cause what says 'rock and roll' like an office supply super store?'
- angela kinsey
- david simon
= the heavy

9-05-12

+ 'most channels had the democratic national convention tonight', criag ferguson states, 'i think this is an important election, i think everyone's responsibility is to stay informed.  so i did my part and i watched 'here comes honey boo boo' on tlc.  thank god for cable!  if you dont have cable, and clearly if you are watching me you dont, i'll explain the honey boo boo.  honey boo boo is an adorable little girl from the south who can sing and dance and act.  no wait, i'm thinking of justin timberlake.  anyway, the show 'here comes honey boo boo' is a show about this little girl's family from rural georgia.  now, they call themselves rednecks, but then so does jeff foxworthy.  compared to the honey boo boo's, jeff foxworthy is like downton abbey!  'i say, lady cybil, you might be a redneck if your fiance was previously your chauffeur.  anyway, the family call themselves rednecks like the jersey shore kids used to call themselves guidos.  and they should all call themselves what they are now, which is of course, rich!  but the jersey shore got cancelled, and now we've got honey boo boo.  one show dies and the other is born.  its the circle of reality show life.  hakuna ma boo boo!'
- jeremy irons
- monica potter
> gerry dee

beach tweet mail

craig ferguson rolled out another new tweet mail jingle on the late late show.  he always has different jingles to introduce the tweets and email section of his show, with each jingle done in some different style.  the latest song is done in the style of a 60's beach party!  it is filled with archive footage of different people surfing and playing on the beach, but with one major difference: everyone's head is replaced with craig's over sized head!   not one of his best, it lacks a really catchy tune, but its nice to see a new one thrown in to the rotation.

9-04-12

+ craig ferguson first takes a moment to remember one of his favorite guests michael clark duncan who passed away over the weekend.
+ 'its a great day if you love the conventions, and who doesnt?' craig asks, 'the democratic national convention is underway for three days in charlotte north carolina.  everything democrats do is good and everything republicans do is evil.  it doesnt bother me, i live in california, its like that every day!  i've been to charlotte, they have a great nascar track.  thats why the democrats picked it, they love everything that forces you to turn left.  michelle obama gave a great speech earlier tonight, nothing gets the crowd going like reminding them to eat more arugula!  later in the week, former democratic nominee john kerry is going to give a speech about foreign policy.  it will be like clint eastwood's speech except this time the empty chairs will be in the audience...  i want to go easy on clint eastwood though, i watched that thing.  i will admit it wasnt his best performance last week at the republican national convention, but he's given us decades of great films.  so democrats, if you are looking to mock mit romney by dragging an inanimate object out on to stage, why not use mit romney!'
+ the rather late programme with prince charles is back!  this time prince charles gives his son prince harry a good ribbing for his latest trip to las vegas.
- kathy griffin

8-31-12

+ 'it is of course the big labor day weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'the last weekend of the summer.  theres only one last day and then the summer is over.  i am going to do what every american should do this weekend: i am going to stay indoors and watch 'doctor who'!  yes, tomorrow night on bbc america is the season premier of doctor who.  now, a lot of americans dont give a rats ass about doctor who, and to those people i say: 'ok'.  but i grew up with it, doctor who is a british television show, its been on in britan for 50 years, its the british equivalent of larry king!  not all british tv is good like doctor who, a lot of it is crap like television the world over.  i saw a lot of british television lately because i was in scotland while they were finishing the new studio.  which, i wasnt gone long enough.  it looks finished in places, but back there its like an abandoned bomb shelter, its just an empty broom closet and bundles of drew carey's old back fat.  they've got to store it somewhere!  doctor who is getting popular in america now, it was the most downloaded show on itunes last year.  i was like 'what? people download stuff thats not pornography?'  doctor who was slow to catch on in america, but thats ok, some american things are slow to catch on in britan.  you know, bubble gum, optimism, oral hygiene.  these things have taken years!  if you've never seen doctor who, its about a doctor who travels through time helping people.  imagine doctor phil if he could travel through time and he actually helped people, and if he was a real fucking doctor!' 
- seth green
- sutton foster

8-30-12

+ 'its a great day for the republicans', craig ferguson informs, 'at their convention tonight, their surprise speaker tonight was clint eastwood.  i know!  that was a big surprise, i mean what could be more surprising than a grumpy old white man at the republican convention?'
- lisa kudrow
> marc maron

8-29-12

+ 'its a great day today if you are a republican', craig ferguson states, 'the republican national convention is in full swing down there in tampa.  speeches are being made, hats are being thrown in the air, everyone gets their own hippie to slap around!  tonight was the big night john mccain not only celebrated his birthday, happy birthday john mccain-76!  the biggest speech tonight was given by paul ryan, mit romney's choice for vice president.  for those of you who dont know, paul ryan is a congressman from wisconsin, and of course the eldest son of meg ryan.  paul ryan was only 29 when he was first elected to congress.  when i was 29 i got my penis stuck in a jacuzzi spicket!  i guess every man makes his own path to greatness...  picking a vice president can be risky.  i mean, you can think outside the box and pick someone who will excite people like sarah palin, or you can play it safe with a nice down home family man like john edwards.'
- jeffrey dean morgan
> nick griffin
- fiona gubelmann

8-28-12

+ 'its a scary day for america', craig ferguson states, 'cause there is a big gust of dangerous hot air that is bearing down on our shores.  thats right, its the first night of madonna's world tour tonight.  she started her tour in philadelphia, which is fitting because both came to prominence in 1776.  during the world tour, madonna has been very vocal about this russian band 'pussy riot'.  thats what they are called.  can we say that?  its because of the new set we can say it, if we were still on the old set we would have to say 'ooh la la riot'.  now, if you dont know this band, that is what they are called.  they are called pussy riot.  get with the times, grandpa.  they are an all female rock band, like coldplay.  this band is from russia and the three members are locked in a russian prison and madonna is up in arms over it.  anyway, here is why this band is in trouble:  they set up in a moscow cathedral to play a protest song about vladimer putin's ties to the church.  after 40 seconds the security guards kicked them out.  then putin's henchmen tracked down three of them and threw them in jail for two years with a charge of 'hooliganism'.  is that really a crime?!?  thats like being charged for 'tom foolery'!  'you are going to prison for shenanigans!'.'
- larry king
> michelle buteau

8-27-12

+ regis philbin welcomes craig to the new studio!
+ 'i don't know if i realized it until we got some lights on us just how sucky it was!' craig ferguson comments on the new studio, 'i tell you what i'm worried about as well, it looks a little more like a late night show, which means we look a little more like them, which means we have to be more like us.  i had to take a couple weeks off so that they could do all this.  whenever i go on vacation the world goes crazy!  you know, the stories that you wish would happen when you were working.  i take a couple weeks off so they can do this, and thats when prince harry runs around las vegas naked!  i'm like 'why?!?'  couldnt you wait a couple weeks, you royal bastard?!?  here's the recap:  prince harry ran around naked in vegas, madonna rain around naked in london.  i think america got the better end of the deal if you ask me!  but if prince harry gets in more trouble he may not be able to go back to hogwarts next year! what will hufflepuff do without their star seeker?  vegas already had carrot top, but now they've got carrot bottom!'
- kristen bell  talks with craig and goes on a tour of the new set.

hello, new studio!

it finally happened: craig ferguson got a new studio!  after years and years of complaining about being stuck in that old 'basement' of a studio, the late late show with craig ferguson finally moves to a bigger space.
the show starts off with a time lapse montage of the crew putting the new studio together- its looking good! 'its weird, isnt it?' craig ferguson asks,  'its kind of like the old studio and its kind of not like the old studio!  this is what i look like in the light!  its a great day for us, we've got this brand new studio, we've got double the amount of lesbians we normally have!  this is really strange, i feel like i'm on somebody else's show. like a proper television show!  this is like a brand spanking new set, and by spanking, i mean spanking- we have a spanking station behind the curtain, regis philbin helped me break it in...  anyway, we've improved everything that sucked about the old show except the host.  thats self deprecating humor right there, right geoff?  anyway, i'm very excited, i couldnt wait to come to work today.  that feeling will fade eventually.  yup, there it goes!'