scottish king

6-18-10

+ 'do you know what i am excited about?' craig ferguson asks, 'toy story 3 opens today. its not a sequel, its a threequel. threequels are usually not as good as the originals, you know, godfather 3, jaws 3. there are exceptions though, busty cops 3! busty cops 3: cops in space. anyway, its toy story 3. all the old favorites are back, buzz and woody, its a great combination. you have to strike the right balance though, too much buzz and you cant get woody. i'm glad the movie is only two hours long though, cause if you have a woody for more than four hours you have to call a doctor. cbs cares. mr. potato head is back too. you know, when i was a kid i had a mr. potato head that was actually a potato. we were poor. i got it for christmas, i was like to my mother 'why did santa leave me a potato?' my mom was like 'its mr. potato head! he's sleeping!' one day i went to play with my mr. potato, and i saw my dad eating fries. 'its what he would have wanted son, sad but delicious'. 'well, i'll just go check on my goldfish!' 'dont bother...'.'

- mark ruffalo

- saffron burrows

6-17-10

+ 'if you are like me and you enjoy the harry potter', craig ferguson tells us, 'and who doesnt? just a few hours from now, in orlando florida, the wizarding world of harry potter opens. its a theme park devoted to my favorite gay wizard. i shouldnt actually say he's gay, hes not gay, but some people say he is because he always has a wand in in hand. hey, if that makes you gay, then sign me up for the parade, mister! actually, i think you better... you know who doesnt like harry potter? al quida! thats right, they prefer twilight probably. 'i identify with bella, i am torn between edward and jacob!'. there is a rivalry between the harry potter fans and the twilight fans. the twilight fans think they are much cooler than the harry potter fans. i dont know why, they would all get their ass kicked by the dr. who fans! thats right, i win! i am a who-zer! now that we have the harry potter theme park, maybe we will get a twilight theme park! there will be some great rides in that: vampires of the caribbean, mr. wolf's wild abs, suck mountain...'

- virginia madsen

* chris hardwick

= justin currie

6-16-10

+ 'it is a great day for one of my favorite americans', craig ferguson shares, 'sarah palin is speaking out about the oil spill. she said, i am not kidding... god bless that woman, i really mean it! she said we should ask the dutch for help with spill because the dutch have the best dykes. let me get this straight, its ok to cover lesbians in oil, we just cant let them get married? is that what we are saying? which, by the way, you had me at 'lesbians covered in oil'. everybody is talking about the presidents big speech last night. the reaction is mixed. 10% of america wondered 'why would they delay craig ferguson for this?', and 90% of the country is like 'who the hell is craig ferguson?' alright, its more like 98 and 2%. anyway, obama said we need a new energy strategy, one with more alternatives like solar power. i agree, but lets not forget about lunar power. remember, the moon is what gives power to werewolves. and we can study them, i got dibs on that little twink from twilight! we really should take advantage of things we have an endless supply of, like the wind, or the sun, or the kardashians. now, i know the president was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house being engulfed in flames and saying 'you know, we really should change the curtains'. its not the time is what i'm saying. anyway, at this point its not really an oil spill anymore. a spill is an accident that can be cleaned up. calling this a spill is like calling world war II a tif. its a fucking disaster! sometimes only a cuss word will do.'

- tim allen

6-15-10

+ 'listen, i'm sorry the show is on later than usual tonight', craig apologizes, 'we were delayed by the president's speech about the golf oil spill. obama has been criticized for not doing enough, but to be fair, he has been using every strategy on the book. unfortunately, its the same book that president bush used for katrina. chapter 1: sit on your ass for a couple weeks. chapter 2: go on vacation. i have refrained from discussing the oil spill, cause honestly i couldnt think of anything funny to say about it. then i realized, that doesnt stop me from anything else. the spill is awful though, its nearly impossible to be contained. this makes the exxon valdez look like a leaky juice box, this thing. theres almost two million barrels already steeped into the gulf of mexico. i'll give you an idea of how much oil that is: its enough oil to drive charlie sheen's mercedes off a cliff for three months! you know its a real catastrophe when the biggest hope of getting something done is kevin costner. i'm not kidding, kevin costner has spent millions of his own money to develop a water cleaning system. what this system does is takes the oil tainted water and then it spins in around and pops it out clean water out the other end. now, to be fair, i have made jokes about kevin costner. well, i didnt, geoff did... anyway, no more jokes about kevin costner on this show, if he cleans out the gulf of mexico, then he can dance with my wolf, he can water my world, he can tin my cup, he can bull my durham...'

- ice cube

* stan lee

= tig notaro

6-14-10

+ 'its a great day for america', craig ferguson reminds us, 'many reasons why, one reason is that we are not england. which is always good. but its not a great day for one english man in particular, robert greene, who is the english goalie who let the americans score an easy goal in the world cup game on saturday. it must be very difficult for greene, i understand. i still think whistfully about the balls that slipped through my hands. because its not the balls you grab that you are remembered for, its the balls that you let go. so, with that in mind, call me lady gaga. i feel bad for this goalie, but there is a silver lining. he is english and he messed up so badly he was just offered a job at bp! ha ha! take that bp! thats right, in the offices of bp now they are going 'oh no, the scottish guy lightly slapped us. we can take all sorts of strict talking to's from the president, but once that late night douche bag goes after us we are in big trouble now!'.'+ talk about the world cup with referee betty white

- bradley whitford

> jeff stilson

= shelby lynne

craig to host shark week!

'hello everyone, my name is brian' says the shark puppet, 'i've got some very exciting news, as you may or may not know, the discovery channel, an exellent channel, much better than cbs, it features lot of animals eating other animals, kind of my thing! well, the discovery channel is 25 years old this week. yes, i know. but i love the discovery channel because every year they have something called 'shark week'. and shark week is just the kind of programing i enjoy. it has lots of sharks. well, the good news is that shark week this year will be hosted by craig ferguson! 'but wait!' i hear you say in your puny human voices, 'wait, wait brian! wait! surely craig ferguson works on cbs, how could he be involved in the discovery channel? its a completely different company!' yes, well lawyers figured it out! they are the real sharks, am i right ladies and gentlemen? ha ha ha! anyway, here's the deal. craig ferguson is going to be hosting shark week, he has to go to the bahamas and dive with sharks. and this is where i come in. i call on all the sharks on all the ocean beds and other parts of the ocean, all across the world. the bull sharks in australia, the great whites in san francisco, the tigers the hammerheads, the white tip reef sharks, the cambian reef sharks, the other reef sharks, all the sharks, and the baracuda, which is not a shark, but is still quite scary. i call on all of them to meet me in the bahamas. lets eat this douche bag, once and for all! ha ha! then finally we can get kilborne back!'

6-11-10

+ 'its friday, and its a great day for the world! for the entire world!', shares craig ferguson, 'because the world cup starts today! and on behalf of all americans let me say: meh. here in the united states, soccer's popularity ranks somewhere between jon gosslin and people who give out rasiens for halloween. dont get me wrong, we americans know that the world cup is a big deal in other countries. but this is a big weekend here in america too because the tony awards are on sunday... now, the tony awards and the world cup are very different, of course, one of them is a celebration of barely conceiled gayness, and the other is the tony awards. the rest of the world, though, is nuts for soccer. its estimated that one billion people will watch the world cup. to give you an idea of how many people that is, take the audience of this show, and add one billion! you get one billion people.'

- denis leary he even got to join criag in playing with the puppets!

> john 'hippieman' novosad

6-10-10

+ 'researchers still dont know the purpose of sleep', craig ferguson says, 'its one of life's great mysteries. like why do men have nipples? i know why... i have to admit i dont get much sleep lately. not with the new twilight movie coming out. i'm like 'will bella choose edward or jacob? i dont know what i just said... i never really appreciated sleep until i had a little one in the house- boy that midget keeps me up at night! no, i'm talking about when you have a baby in the house. sleep researchers say that when you have a baby you loose 700 hours of sleep in the first year. but its worth it when they get big enough to do the yard work. which is usually about six months... according to research, older people need less sleep. i dont know why. i think its because you dont need a lot of energy to play bingo. do you know that americans spend 600 million dollars a year on sleep aids. and by that i mean pills. i am a little nervous taking pills, and coming from me, thats a big thing to say! i dont take pills, except for the pills that are advertised on cbs- they are awesome! and in no way habit forming... the sleep aid i use most is usually something along the lines of self massage. cbs doesnt advertise any products for that, unless you count the sham-wow, of course. i tried counting sheep at night but that doesnt work- i get too turned on! their little hooves, their come hither fleece, the way the taunt me whispering in my ear saying 'craig, youve been very baaaad'. back in my drinking days it was easy to get to sleep, you knock back a couple bottles of vodka and right to sleep. i never had a problem with the bed wetting because, for the most part, i enjoyed it. wake up to a little pond. the vodka really did the trick for me, i'd sleep like a log. sometimes id wake up in one of those too...'

+ jim parsons stops by to help with tweets and emails

-> wolfgang puck craig even wears safty goggles?

6-09-10

+ sorry folks, due to a game running late my dvr didnt record this episode. i'm sure it was amazing though. as an apology for missing this episode, i will include this completly random picture of craig ferguson wearing a crazy wig and jacket. enjoy!

6-08-10

+ 'you know what happened earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'the glee finale was on earlier tonight. if you dont know about glee, all i have to say is where have you been, mister? its about the high school kids in the glee club. its on the fox network, which is strange, cause fox is the home of glee, and fox news is the home of people who dont like people who watch glee. strange. glee, its a terrific show, its won many awards including the hugely prestigious peabody award. now, only the cream of broadcast television are even considered for the peabody award. i'm kidding- i've got one! i stole it from jon stewart! when the fox executives first saw glee they said the knew they had a hit. just like when the cbs executives first saw this show they knew they had something that rhymed with hit... fox has just announced that they are putting on an episode of glee right after the super bowl next year. i'm like 'wha?!?' its like an antidote for testosterone! 'you just won the super bowl, what are you going to do?' 'i'm going to dance, mister!' i have a confession to make: i've never seen glee. i've never seen it, i've heard its fantastic, but i've never seen it at all. i'm not just saying i havent seen it in a desperate attempt to appear heterosexual, i really havent seen it. it wasnt made for me though, i'm a 48 year old man. if i start watching glee i'll get a visit from that guy from 'to catch a predator'.'

- john waters

- taraji p. henson

6-07-10

+ ooh! craig ferguson is wearing sneakers! 'all my important communications these days are done electronically. i do everything, you know, contracts, meetings, penis enlargement opportunities... everything in paper is dying out, including newspapers. this is great for the environment, but alarming for some people, and by some people, i mean hobos. what will they use for blankets if there are no newspapers? anyway, ive got an ipad. its like an iphone, but its like the large print version of an iphone. it is! its like an iphone for old people. i've got it, its got
a bigger screen, and bigger buttons, theres an app to help you find the closes early bird special. you can download something called iprunes. you know what the ipad is perfect for? navigation, cause you can use it in cars. cause watching the road is boring. it is! road, road, road, turn, more road, more turning, pedestrians, other cars. boring! i was in vegas this weekend and on the ride back i read an entire book on my ipad. it was a very short book, it was by mel gibson. it was called 'my jewish friends'. no no, it was another short book: the amish tv guide. it was 'the art of british cooking', it was larry king's guide to a happy marriage.'

- eric idle

- terry crews

6-07-10

6-04-10

+ 'today, of course, is national donut day!' craig ferguson reminds us, 'national donut day is always the first friday in june. its perfect! as everyone is trying to get in shape for bikini season its donut day! looks like another one piece for the summer for me. to celebrate national donut day, this is true, dunkin donuts is giving away free donuts! the vagrants from around los angeles who make up our audience are like 'oh, free donuts? why are we sitting here?' the good news is, there is a dunkin donuts right around the corner from cbs. the bad news is that drew carrey had already been there... dunkin donuts is planning to build 15,000 new stores! they are expanding faster then their customers! anyway, i like donuts. when i was a younger man i had a faster metabolism and i ate a lot of donuts. but whenever i ate powdered donuts the powder would get all over my face and it would look like i had been doing tons of cocaine. now, strangely enough, the same thing used to happen when i did tons of cocaine! people would say 'woah craig, you are a bit speedy, have you had a lot of donuts?' i'd be like 'yeah, i've been eating donuts all day!'.
+ email and tweets with kelly moore, a guy from the audience who craig talked with in the opening.
+ espn uk with sir ben kingsly
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- jennifer tilly
^ magician ed alonzo

6-03-10

+ 'its great news today, if you are in to mark twain', craig ferguson shares, 'because publishers today announced that volume one of mark twain's autobiography is coming out this fall. its more than a century since he wrote it, i'm not sure if his references will make sense to modern audiences, for instance: one of twain's first jobs was writing for something called a 'newspaper'. which is kind of like a blog, but more papery. mark twain was considered the greatest humorist of his age, but thats only because he didnt live at the same time at carrot top. clearly. mark twain is responsible for a number of famous quotes. he said 'i have never let my schooling interfere with my education'. i wish i could say something like that. my most famous quote is 'i think i broke the toilet again'. people are excited about this autobiography though, because mark twain gave explicit instructions in his will, that it couldnt be published until 100 years after his death. because apparently he attacks people in the book. he 'disses' them, as the young folks say. he wanted to make sure they werent alive, so he wouldnt hurt anyones feelings. 100 years? thats a bit excessive. what, were some of his enemies babies or something? 'aw, babies! you make me so angry! why you babies with your crying and pooping your little diapers, why you make me more angry then i could ever be!' by the way, that is an amazing mark twain impression... 'why, those little babies, they make me so angry i could put on my hat!' anyway, my hats off to mark twain for writing down what he thought and then sticking to it. so what if it offends people? i say do it! now a days nobody sticks to anything, too many people get mad and they say stuff then people get mad and say 'we dont like that!' and they apologize 'oh, it was my parents! now i need to go to rehab, obviously, i didnt mean to say stuff that you disagree with!'. 'oh those babies, they make me so mad!' it makes me laugh the idea of mark twain getting angry at babies! 'oh i'm so angry at babies, i'm trying to write a book and they keep crying and yelling!' man, this is the stupidest stuff i've come up with in years!'

- adam goldberg

^ magician jamy ian swiss

6-02-10

+ 'its a great day in italy', craig ferguson shares, 'why? because today, june 2nd, is the big national holiday over there. its italian republic day. the italian people are running through the streets yelling, waving their arms. then they remembered it is a holiday. italians are known, of course for talking with their hands. scottish people also communicate with their hands. for example, if a scottish person is upset they will use their hands, make a fist, and punch you in the face! now, i grew up in glasgow, a scottish town, which has a huge italian population. thats true. i'll never understand why italian people moved to glasgow, but i'm glad they did because a lot of them opened up italian restaurants. this is good because food in scotland is crap! its true, 'oh, how many ways can you make potatoes interesting?' the food in scotland isnt that good, its no secret, except the food in the italian restaurants. i love italian food! or, as they call it in italy: 'food'. the most famous italian food is, of course, is pizza. which actually goes back to roman times. a lot of roman culture is still with us today, we eat pizza, we use roman numerals, we light roman candles, we hide our daughters from roman polanski...'
- evangeline lilly
- charlyne yi
^ magician laraf

5-28-10

+ ''prince of persia: the sands of time' comes out today', shares craig ferguson, 'prince of persia is from a long line of sword and sandle movies. one of the best ever was 'ben-hur' movie with charlton heston. it has an increadible chariot race in that movie. a scene which still holds its best against all the cgi stuff today, it still stands up against it. it doesnt really, but there are a lot of old people who watch cbs... anyway, prince of persia stars jake gyllenhaal. he conquers the kingdom using the power of his magical dagger, and the power of his magical puppy dog eyes. he's a great actor, i'm actually not sure i buy him as a prince from sixth century persia. he's quite modern looking, he looks like a dude who's ears are designed for an ipod. and his name doesnt exactly speak 'action hero' does it? eastman, connery, stallone. these are big action stars. the name gyllenhaal sounds like a home furnishing store. kinda does, doesnt it? '20 % off matresses at gyllenhaal's!'.'
- shirley manson
> jeffrey ross
= the national

5-27-10

+ 'you know, there is a big movie opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'movies usually open on a friday, but this movie is so fabulous that it had to come out on a thursday. its called 'sex and the city 2: the legend of curly's gold' it opens today. thats what its called! these movies are very popular with women and gay men. they should just call this movie 'line up, gays'. actually, thats another movie i've seen... the movie opened at midnight last night. people were lined up at the theater dressed as their favorite sex and the city character. and when i say people, i mean me. i was samantha! i was, i wore a very expensive dress. lets just say i put the 'wang' in vera wang! i was waiting in line for the movie, but i couldnt get a ticket for the movie, it was sold out. so i walked down to santa monica blvd, made a couple bucks, and got a ride from eddie murphy!'

- michael sheen

= band of horses

5-26-10

+ 'happy birthday today to an american icon, john wayne'. craig ferguson shares, 'john wayne was born on this day in 1907. thats a movie star! growing up, john wayne was one of the first images of america. we were like 'oh, these movies, they've got john wayne, and cowboys, and food that is not potatoes!' 'what are you talking about? food that is not potatoes? thats a pipe dream, boy!' john wayne passed away 30 years ago. he's still iconic though, it reassures me to know that if john wayne were here right now he would be 103. but hed still be able to punch me in the face and call me a sissy. his real name was marion morrison. did you know that? thats why he's such a tough guy. its like the jonny cash thing, 'a boy named sue'. a father names his son sue so it will make him grow up big and strong then they can go 'kickin and a gougin and the mud and the blood and the beer'! it is a fact, its a proven medical fact. if your son has a girly name he will be tough. if you name him marion or lady gaga he will grow up to be tough. john wayne though, is the ultimate tough guy, he's like a cross between russell crowe and who is that other tough guy? oh, thats right, madonna.'

- antonio banderas

> paula poundstone

5-25-10

+ 'its geek pride day today, happy geek pride day, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'its a real day, geek pride day. everyone is encouraged to embrace their inner geek. geek pride day is kind of like gay pride day but with no sex! so actually, its nothing like gay pride day. i consider myself to be a geek because i'm into the technology and the science fiction. i enjoy playing my hand held gaming device, know what i mean? my joystick, my wii controller... i'm talking about masturbation is what i'm saying. the word geek used to be a label that people were ashamed of, now people embrace it. its like being called an outlaw, or a kardashian. people are ok with it now. in carnivals 'the geek' was the name of the guy who entertained the crowd by biting off the heads of chickens. i know, i'm appalled too. now a days we call these people warm up comedians. i looked up the word 'geek' today, and its defined as 'a peculiar person who is overly obsessed with one or more things usually including the electronics or the arts. which is definitely me. yes it is, everyone knows my obsessions with jazz hands- thats the arts!'

+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition

- kristen davis

- judd apatow

5-24-10

+ 'we had a great weekend, me and geoff', craig ferguson confesses, 'we went to vegas. we had a great weekend we were traveling. while we were gone there was a huge art theft in paris. coincidence? yes, because we actually were in vegas. but somebody broke into the paris museum of modern art. they stole more than 100 million bucks worth of art. anyway, the crooks got away with three certified masterpieces. pastorale, which is matisse's famous nude, they also took matisse's other masterpiece 'dogs playing poker', and the other 'nude's playing poker'. apparently in france what happened is the security guard discovered the theft when he saw a whole cut in the window pane. museum officials are now saying there was a malfunction in the security system. i'm thinking 'yes...' the real problem with the security system is that the guards are french- the can be distracted with unfiltered cigarettes and a trail of stinky cheese! after examining the evidence, the french police have asked interpol for help. i think they should bring in david coruso from csi: miami. 'looks like someone's trying to get monette for nothing'. wait wait wait, i've got another one: 'the theives were driving a van, where did the van gogh?' the french police say that the hiest was the work of sophisiticated thieves because they didnt take anything by rothko. ha ha ha! you are welcome the 10 people in america who got that joke!'

- ben stein

= mishka

> craig shoemaker. a bit too angry...

5-21-10

+ 'the new shrek movie opens today', craig ferguson announces, 'its made by the dream works studio, its called 'shrek forever after'. its the best shrek movie ever made, i didnt think it was possible, but these geniuses at dreamworks pulled it off. i should probably mention two other things, 1. dreamworks studios also made 'how to train your dragon' which i am also in, and B. i am a corporate whore. now, dreamworks are saying this is the final shrek movie (unless this one makes a lot of money...) well, they said that the last shrek movie was the final one. it doesnt matter, its like when musicians go on farewell concert tours, and then another one, and another one. and if people love them, why not? frank sinatra went on a farewell tour in the 70's, the 80's, and the 90's. no one is going to tell frank to stop touring. anway i am not talking about sinatra, i'm talking about shrek. i like the shrek movies cause they have got something for everyone. theyve got the pop culture references for the grown ups, and the fart jokes for the kids and the late night talk show hosts. children and talk show hosts, very different of course, one need constant attention, cries when he doesnt get his way. and the other is a child. anyway, the shrek movies have got a lot of great characters, and a lot of them are borrowed from the brothers grimm. the brothers grimm were from germany and they wrote about german folktales like hansel and gretel, rumpelstiltskin, little ludwig poopinsphinkter. some of these folk tales are more popular than others... little ludwig poopinsphinkter lived in a house that was not made of candy. it was more of a log cabin... ah, making myself laugh with poop jokes!'

- ben kingsley

= court yard hounds

5-20-10

+ 'this being thursday, its a big day for tv', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the two hour season finale of 'greys anatomy' was on earlier tonight, and i watched because we are live. and i loved it when that doctor got up the nerve to kiss that other doctor, i've been waiting all season for that... ugh. the network executives think that if characters on a tv show have sex, the rating go up. maybe we should do that here. what do you say, geoff?' geoff replies 'thats not in my contract, craig'. 'the robot is going to sue me for sexual harassment now, isnt he? my favorite tv doctor is, of course, dr. phil. now, i admit he's not a real doctor, but so what? in fact, if i got sick, id rather see dr. suess. have you ever seen that show 'the doctors'? where they have real doctors on answering medical questions. and one of the doctors, the handsome one, wears his green surgical scrubs, and i'm like 'you are in a tv studio, you jackass!' no one is going to ask you to do surgery! you know, i do hate it though when people in the hospitals wear their scrubs outside of the hospital. if you go to any starbucks outside of the hospital and you see guys in scrubs, they arent doctors. they are orderlies trying to meet girls in the starbucks. real doctors dont do that, they would hate that! its like when i go outside of this studio and i see a guy in a crap suit i say 'hey, stop trying to be a talk show host!' and then these guys think 'why is liza mineli shouting at me?'.'

+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition

- holly hunter

= the hold steady

5-19-10

+ 'yesterday was my favorite day of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'it was international museum day. please, try to contain your phony excitement. i cant believe i forgot about international museum day, that would be like woody allen forgetting 'take your daughter to work' day... anyway, international museum day is a real day, by the way. it started in 1977ish. its celebrated all over the world, hence the word 'international'. its an important part of our culture, so they need an international day. just like pancakes are an important part of our culture, they need an international house. pablo picaso once said 'give me a museum and i will fill it'. i say the same thing about speedoes. everybody loves a museum though, especially when ben stiller spends a night in one, its hilarious. public museums have not been around that long, the first ones opened in the 17th century during the age of enlightenment. i know what you are thinking, 'here we go again, another late night host banging on about the age of enlightenment, didnt carson daily do that last week?' actually, is he still on, carson daily? no, i'm not being mean, is he still on? yes? well good for him. until the age of enlightenment, museums werent meant for the public. the old artifacts and paintings were kept in private by private collectors. if you wanted to see dogs playing poker, you had to train them yourself!'

+ don glover stops by to help craig with the tweets and emails

- dennis quaid

- alice eve

indian tweets

there is a new email and tweets jingle! this time is sung by geoff peterson. he is an indian I.T. guy who raps about being a customer assistance phone rep. kinda strange, but really catchy!

5-18-10

+ 'its a great day for me', shares craig ferguson, 'because it was my birthday yesterday!' the audience claps loudly, 'please, no loud noises, i'm getting on now, and loud noises scare me. i didnt talk about it yesterday, because i wasnt here because we showed a repeat so i could celebrate. and i celebrated the way i always do, i stayed home and called bob saget. well, cause bob saget and i share the same birthday. thats true! bob saget is my friend. i know you are thinking 'oh craig, you are making fun of bob saget!' well, i am, but he is my friend. and bob's older than me, he's 54. that means now the olson twins have to change his diapers. anyway, the best thing about getting older is nothing! no, its all right. you dont have to follow the fashion treads, now you can start wearing comfortable sneakers. then you ask yourself when you are wearing the sneakers 'why do my socks always have to be white?' then i found myself recently saying 'is there a way i can get sun glasses that dont let any light in on the side? maybe i can get a pair of those. its getting into the side and its annoying me, i want glasses that make me look like a robot. and then before you know it you are driving and using the speed limit as an eventual goal. and then when you are driving you turn on your blinker because, who knows, you might be turning at some point...'
- jon favreau
= jakob dylan

5-17-10

+ 'good evening, i am tv's craig ferguson. a vulgar lounge entertainer who, at a moments notice, may use a puppet, a robot skeleton, or a fart joke in order to squeeze a cheap laugh out of some poorly paid hobo's in the studio audience. so, imagine my surprise when i thought i would indulge myself with inviting a guest on this show, about a year ago, who was not in any way vulgar or cheap: arch bishop desmond tutu. someone who has done some very important things in the world, not like me. and for that show we were given the prestigious peabody award. i was very delighted and surprised and honored to get the peabody award, and we thought, well i did. well, cbs did. well, someone did. we thought that maybe if you wanted we could show you desmond tutu's visit to the show again, something of an encore performance. but of course, this would be a 'repeat'. no, no, no. a repeat is something you show when it didnt win the peabody award. when you win the peabody award, its 'an encore performance'. i was humbled and delighted to be in the presence of such a great man who clearly had a sense of humor about himself, and a sense of humor about me, which you are going to need if you are on this show... take a look then, at what a real human at his best looks like.'

- arch bishop desmond tutu

5-14-10

+ 'oh, listen, theres a big movie opening today', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm very excited about it, its called 'robin hood', it stars russell crowe. now, i like russell crowe, take that you bastards! i do like russell crowe, but some people are saying hes too heavy to play robin hood. i'm like 'what are you talking about?' all i'm saying is, for all the people who think russell crowe is too heavy, i say 'shut the hell up'. if you want to watch some skinny little twink being all sensitive with his abs, go and rent 'twilight'. or borrow my copy, i've got three. but its not easy making someone named robin hood sound tough, robin is a girls name, and a hood is something you wear on your head. its like having an action star named susan hat! you know the movie is going to be good, you know why? because the french hate it. the french critics say that the french characters are unfairly depicted. because the french in the movie are all two faced panzies more interested in eating cheese than fighting wars. no wait, wait. there is some unfair stuff too...'

+ gardening tips with willie nelson

- amanda seyfried

5-13-10

+ 'so listen, i went to go see a movie a couple weeks ago and the trailers were on', craig ferguson begins, 'and there was a trailer for the new tom cruise movie. now, i've been kind of tough on tom cruise here, i'm a late night host so i make fun of him for being short or having his crazy beliefs. its what you do if you have this job. i saw the trailer for this tom cruise movie and its awesome! so i've decided i'm making a complete 180. tom cruise is awesome and if you dont like tom cruise you can go and join al quida. thats right- tom cruise is an awesome movie star. now, i know what you are going to say, 'wait a minute craig, he's got crazy ideas!' thats right, he's a movie star! he's got crazy ideas and he stuck with them- he stuck with them! you dont see tom cruise going on dr. phil saying 'oh, i'm sorry, i'm going to go to rehab'. that's right! tom cruise doesnt care what you think. you know why? cause he's awesome!' craig then shows a preview of 'knight and day', 'so i see that and i think 'wait a minute, i've been making fun of that dude- what the hell is wrong with me?!?" so tonight i quit. i quit and i say to you this: tom cruise may be mad, he may be idiosyncratic, he may have beliefs that i may not necessarily have myself, but he can do kung fu on a plane! he can dive off a motorcycle and land on the windshield of a car and compliment cameron diaz on her dress! thats the type of movie star i want to see, everybody! so from now on, no more tom cruise jokes. oh, its going to be tough. in fact, i'm feeling it already. but i'm serious: he's awesome. i know you will be mad at me, but you will just have to deal with it. then we can have make up sex!'
- robert downey jr. he and craig had an awesome awkward pause!

5-12-10

+ 'today, as i'm sure you are aware, everyone is very excited, its the first day of the cannes film festival', craig ferguson informs, 'i know. its the cannes film festival, everybody who matters in tv and in movies is in cannes right now. which explains why i am right here. this year at cannes they are playing some big hollywood movies, today they premiered the sequel to wall street called: wall street 2: the legend of curly's gold. no, wall street 2: money never sleeps is what its called. which is a stupid title. of course money never sleeps, thats like saying regis never pays- of course he never pays! (not a joke!). anyway, what i do love, though, i love how passionate the french are about cinema. at the cannes festival, if the french audience dont like the movie, they will boo it. 'le boo!' which is very unfrench to care about something enough to boo, i thought they would just say 'that was two hours of my life i will never get back. and yet, i do not care.' there are a bunch of judges at cannes film festival. and i'm thinking 'how do you judge movies?' its very subjective. how do you compare a movie like police academy to a real work of art like police academy 7. its just not the same! the big award given out at cannes is called the palm d'or. which sounds classy, but 'palm d'or translated to english means 'straight to dvd'. (not a joke)! the judges gave roman polanski the palm d'or in 2002. that was back in the day when he wanted to appear before judges, he's changed his mind now... in 2004 they gave the palm d'or to michael moore. he returned it when he found out it wasnt chocolate. this year woody allen is in cannes. partially to promote his new film, but i think mostly because roman polanski is in jail, so woody seizes the opportunity. a little too soon, maybe. a little soon ye... anyway, some directors are having a hard time getting to cannes this year because of that volcano in iceland. its that volcano, it refuses to quit no matter how many people it annoys. its like jay leno! what am i talking about? the cannes film festival. i'm bored talking about that shit, lets just go to a commercial. i said that out loud didnt i? inner dialog! inner dialog!'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- bryan cranston
- angela kensey

5-11-10

+ 'the new prime minister of britain was finally sworn in', craig ferguson tells us, 'he is a conservative, his name is david cameron. he is now the most powerful british dude in the world, if you dont count madonna. he had to meet the queen today, thats what happens when you get a new prime minister of britain, you have to go and meet the queen so she can say 'good, off you go then. do your stuff'. you do! theres all sorts of rules, when you have to take off your hat, when you have to curtsey and everything, and bow to her... holiness? i dont know. under no circumstances must you ask her majesty to pull your finger. 'your majesty, wont you...?' dont! and dont do it the other way around! never pull the queens finger! if you find yourself the prime minister of britain and you are being presented to the queen, do not pull her finger! although, if the queen farted, it would be alright. it would be royal! it would be a better fart than your common fart!'

- melina kanakaredes

- tom lennon

= jonsi

paperback on purpose

craig ferguson's autobiography 'american on purpose: the improbable adventures of an unlikely patriot ' has recently come out on paperback! the book itself has been out for almost a year now, but the meaty goodness is still just as fresh! craig talks about growing up in scotland and the crazy journey he took to get him where he is today. its a really great read- and very funny! if you havent bought a copy of his book yet, well, then get going! you can find it on amazon here.

5-10-10

+ 'i'm in trouble today', craig ferguson admits, 'about a year ago, or more, or less, sometime in the past i had a book come out, its called 'american on purpose', it was my autobiography. i havent read it yet. its the story of my life and my fabulous adventures and my great showbissness pals. anyway, it did really well, it was the number one book in the history of books. people were writing to me and saying this book is more popular than.. oh well, there are other books more popular, obviously. its the most popular showbiz biography about an ex-drunk late night tv show host in america there has ever been! but here's the thing, the paperback of it comes out tomorrow, right? it comes out in hardback first so you can walk around the library looking smart. anyway, the paperback comes out tommorrow and the publishers are like 'craig, you havent done any shameless promotion of the book on your show. when the book came out originally you promoted it and promoted it, but now the paperback is coming out and you havent even mentioned it on the show!' well, i have now!'
+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition
- russell crowe
= wilco

5-07-10

+ 'today the big movie opening is iron man 2, i'm very excited about it', shares craig ferguson, 'i'm very excited about it. for those of you who dont know who iron man is, iron man is a super hero who doesnt have any powers. he just has an invincible suit made of iron. i have a suit that makes me feel invincible: it is my birthday suit. it even has a helmet... iron man is actually tony stark. he is a dashing playboy, he's protected by a thick outer shell. kind of like george hamilton. you think about it really, and iron man is just a guy with a pacemaker and iron pants. now, far be it from me to poke holes in the otherwise air tight logic of comic books, but arent there quite simple ways to stop a guy in a suit made of iron? its like 'how can we ever defeat iron man?' 'well, we could use a magnet'. 'what do you mean?' 'well, we will get a magnet and put him on the fridge next to...' now, in iron man 2 scarlett johansson plays the russian spy, cause if you are looking for someone who can sneek around without drawing attention to themselves, you are definitely going to pick scarlett johansson. heres a spoiler alert: she is quite a beautiful person. the bad guy in iron man 2 is played by mickie roarke. who is a fantastic actor and looks quite scary. he is a villian named whiplash, who doesnt sound that scary to me. i dont know what a guy named whiplash would do. maybe he like drive people around and then hits the breaks really hard? 'oh, whiplash got me iron man!' whiplash can only be defeated by one thing: the personal injury lawyer!'
+ steven wright stops by to help out with the emails and tweets.
- seth mcfarlane
> matt baetz

5-06-10

+ 'well, its election day in britain', craig ferguson states, 'since i left britain i dont really follow british politics, i am an american now, so i follow american politics. thats why i am a member of *whatever party you support*. i am excited about the british election, im as excited as you are. i'll bet you are as excited about this as mel gibson is about hanukkah. the people of great britain are very anxious about this election. the polls just closed a few hours ago, and it looks like they have a new prime minister, david cameron of the conservative party. the conservative party are like the republicans, except with bad teeth. the current prime minister is gordan brown, he is the labor party, which is kind of like the democrats, but with bad teeth. they are more bleeding gums than bleeding hearts. the wild card in this election is nick cleg, hes a liberal democrats, they are the new guys, sort of like the green party. but a lot of people like nick cleg because he's young, cute, and has all his teeth. british people have never seen anything like this before! 'blimey! whats that in his mouth! his mouth is a row of white shields- its like he's from the future!'
- mark harmon
- sophia bush
= local natives

5-05-10

+ craig ferguson just got a new haircut and he loves it. 'look at me scratching my new haircut! you know the great thing about getting your hair cut nice and short is that when you go to scratch your hair, you fingers dont go deep into hair. hey, i've been trying to start this rumor about dr. phil. its not true, but lets just say it, right? from now on lets just everybody say this: he's not really bald. he's not really bald, he's not. and when he says 'i am' you just go 'no, dr. phil, we know you are not really bald, you just shave your head to impress oprah'. this guy aint buying it, hairy dr. phil. anyway, happy cinco de mayo, everybody. its a proud day for mexican americans. see, thats one of the great things about living in this country, with its diverse population, every ethnic group has its own holiday. youve got your cinco de mayo for mexican americans, italian americans get columbus day, polish americans have got polaski day. which is not to be confused with polanski day. polanski day is very different, it falls on the 13th, but then you drug it and act like its the 18th. so thats what you do there. i've got a feeling i just got into more trouble than with the cussing. i keep expecting to get into trouble, and i dont get into trouble here at cbs. and this only tells me one thing: they are not fucking watching the show. clearly! which gives me a strange sense of liberation! cause when ever i bump into a cbs executive they are like 'who are you?' i'm like 'im the guy after david letterman'. and they are like 'oh yeah, the show's doing great!', i'm like 'really? what bit do you like?' 'that bit where you talk to that actress', 'really, thats your favorite bit? what about the robot skeleton?' 'oh, you!'.'
- scarlett johansson

5-04-10

+ 'its may the fourth today, so fans of the movie star wars have declared today star wars day', craig ferguson informs, 'now they do that because its may the fourth, so they can say 'may the fourth be with you'. its a real thing! its a day of observance based on a pun, its like spanksgiving. its a lame idea, but its caught on, star wars today is the number one most popular topic on the twitter, the whole internet is cockahoop with star wars today. anyway, its amazing that a movie from 1977 is still so popular today. when star wars came out everyone raved about the special effects, but thats not the reason its endured so long. its endured because of the characters. they have become iconic, darth vader, obi wan kanobi, that big hairy thing- harrison ford. and the force itself was kind of a character, its an all powerful presence that dominates the entire galaxy. now a days we call it oprah. the movie has been so influential that i'm surprised that the fashion never really caught on. you never really see anyone wearing their hair like lea with the buns on the side. one positive influence these movies had, they had technology. the star wars depicts a world where human and robot interaction is normal, unlike this show. right, geoff?' 'let it go craig' says geoff peterson. anyway, i remember when luke skywalker and ben kanobi go into that bar, and back in 1977 people made a big fuss over that bar scene, cause of all the weird creatures and i never understood why. i was used to bars in scotland. no, i was 15 so i had been going for years. at the star wars bar everyone is drinking and fighting. i'm thinking whats the big deal? no one was vomiting or snorting lines off the tables or having sex against the jukebox. the bars in scotland made the bar in star wars look like chuck e cheese!'
- andy garcia
- donald glover

5-03-10

+ 'over the weekend there were huge marches to protest arizona's new immigration law', craig ferguson shares, 'things got out of control here in l.a., up on hollywood blvd people were frisked and given body cavity searches. things got worse when the police showed up! if you dont know about this, arizona's new law says that the police have to ask anyone for immigration papers if 'reasonable suspicion' can be found that they are in the country illegally. 'reasonable suspicion'. what is 'reasonable suspicion'? one arizona law maker said, and i'm not kiddng, illegal immigrants are easy to spot because of their clothes. really? i know it was obvious with me when i got off the place because i was wearing speedoes, of course. i came in from europe wearing my speedoes and my waxed moustache. so as i got off the plane wearing my speedoes a cop had 'reasonable suspicion' i was from somewhere else. he said 'papers', and i thought it was a game so i said 'scissors'. and i got arrested. best damn night of my life. call me, officer delicious!'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- morgan freeman
- kate mara

4-30-10

+ 'the big movie opening today is 'a nightmare on elm street'.' craig ferguson shares, 'the old nightmare on elm street is considered a classic. it was a big slasher movie. to be honest i'm not much of a fan of slasher movies, i like horror movies, but not so much slashers. theres a difference. see, horror movies are about suspense. they make me scream like a little girl, pee my pants, jump up into the arms of the gentleman sitting next to me. the slasher movies are just blood flowing and things squirting and body parts flying. its like a party at elton johns house. nightmare on elm street will make a ton of money cause elm street is the most common street name in america and when the first movie came out people were actually scared to live on streets called elm street. 'aw, honey, i'm so glad we didnt buy that house on elm street, i feel much safer here on stabby lane'. anyway, the bad guy in the nightmare movies isn't stabby lane, its freddy kruger. he kills people in their dreams, which is never really that scary to me because i know that isnt possible. its impossible to be killed in your dreams, but it is possible to have your dreams killed. it happens to me here every night...'
+ style tips with tim gunn- 80's edition
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
+ email time with lauren graham
- peter sagal

4-29-10

+ 'it actually is a great day because it is one of my favorite days of the year', craig ferguson shares, 'if you know anything about me, you will know that this is a day i wait for all year. this is international dance day! this is a real day, its sponsored by the united nations because this is one of the two things that unite the international community. dancing- international dancing, and the international house of pancakes! in the last couple of years there has been a resurgence of the dance movie. i have an idea for a dance movie, its called 'hobo feet'. no, i came up with this idea cause i was in bed lying next to my wife. we sleep in the same bed, we've only been married a couple years so we still sleep in the same bed. she moved and her toe nail scratched my leg, and i was like 'ugh, youve got hobo feet!' and then i thought 'thats a great idea for a dance movie: hobo feet!' a dancer, right, he's a young dancer and he gets drafted into the vietnam war and he comes back and he's seen too much, he cant dance anymore. and he becomes a hobo, and he has feet! he has hobo feet and he lives in a dumpster and he says stuff that they say in a dance movie like 'i didnt give up on my dreams, my dreams gave up on me'. everyone else is like 'what the hell?' and then some young hot dancers are dancing in a parking lot and one of them goes 'wait a minute- your hobo feet!' and he's like 'nah, i aint hobo feet no more. i used to be, but i gave up on my dreams'. and then they all, you know, dance. the ending needs some work, but i think that would be awesome!'
- tom selleck
< lance burton (introduced by neil patrick harris!)

4-23-10

+ during the monologue they show a picture of craig ferguson for a comedy bit they prepared. after they show it craig says 'i like that photograph of me though, i should have that on a t-shirt. people sometimes come up to me, this is true, and they've got a photograph of me that they have very nicely put on a t-shirt, and they give it to me. i'm like 'you want me to wear a t-shirt with a picture of me on it?' couldn't i just walk up to people and say 'hello, i'm a douche'. i mean i appreciate the effort and everything, but why the fuck would i wear a t-shirt with me on it?'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- drew carey
= jason aldean

4-22-10

+ 'its earth day today', craig ferguson reminds us, 'the movie avatar comes out on dvd today. fantastic! now, dvd's usually come out on tuesdays, but james cameron wanted it to be released on earth day because nothing says save the planet like millions of plastic dvd cases everywhere... anyway, its earth day- congratulations earth, we made it through another one. this is the 40th earth day, which is bad news for you if you are earth. it all goes downhill for you in your 40's. trust me- once you get into your 40's your equater expands, your south pole starts to melt... soon you look as bad as uranus!'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- jeffery dean morgan
- busy philipps

craig's loose tie

an email comes in that asks 'craig, whats up with your tie lately, why have you decided to leave it loosely tied?' craig ferguson replies 'in case i have to leave here quickly. no, you know what? i figured that the tie could represent, you know, through sartorial form, the shody nature of how the rest of cbs feels about this fucking show. thats why i wear it like this. its a protest, mister! its protest. it says 'when you give me the equipment i will tie my tie! and until you do, my neck will be available for viewing! oh, we are out of time? funny how your clock still works...'

4-21-10

+ 'its very sad news if you are a fan of the star trek films', shares craig ferguson, 'and who isnt? i love the star trek. i call it 'the' star trek. you know why? because... um... i can? anyway, its a very sad day if you love the star trek because leonard nemoy, who plays spock, announced today that he is retiring from acting. but there is even worse news: william shatner isnt! actually, i dont know if that's true. i think william shatner retired from acting right about when he was on the twilight zone!'
+ they cant get the audio equipment to work, so there is no music or jingles!
- brooke shields
- george wallace
= corinne bailey rae

4-20-10

+ 'thats right, its 420 everybody!' craig ferguson reminds us, 'its a big holiday for the people who smoke marijuana, because the rest of the time they work very hard! here in l.a. there was a huge stoner parade. thousands of marijuana enthusiasts, they marched down sunset boulivard, they took a left at ben and jerry's and they never came out. its not all good news for the pot smokers though, a new phone survey shows that the majority of americans are not in favor of legalizing pot. but you cant trust the phone results, i dont think, most stoners are too paranoid to use the phone.'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- emily mortimer
= miranda lambert
> randy kagan

gardening tips with willie nelson

willie nelson gives some gardening tips to the audience. a new bit that features willie and craig giving some good advice to make your garden grow. advice like this: 'a compost pit is a great way to provide your garden with nutrition. you fill it with food scraps, grass clippings, and manure, and you let it sit there a while. you know its ready when it starts to smell like craig ferguson', willie nelson states.

craig walks in 'hey hey, i heard that!'

willie sniffs, 'yup, thats it, thats the good stuff!'

4-19-10

+ 'it is a great day for me personally', craig ferguson shares, ''why' i hear you ask, cause i get my newspaper this morning. you know the newspaper? its a big papery thing. before computers were invented, everyone was crazy about them. i look in the news paper today and i see that i am in the number one and the number two movie in america! kick-ass is the number 1 movie in america and i do a little cameo in that, and how to train your dragon is number two movie in america, and i do a little voicing in that. now the last time the newspaper said i was involved in a number one and a number two it was an ugly incident in a german bondage club...'
+ gardening tips with willie nelson
- brendan fraser
- amanda righetti
> brian scott mcfadden

4-16-10

+ 'its a big day for us at this show', craig ferguson shares, 'willie nelson is here tonight, everybody! willie nelson is an artist, an activist, he's a true outlaw. he's been called an outlaw for decades. not just for his attitude, but for his music you see. back in the 1970's country music on the radio was lifeless, bland and corporate. not like now... but then some guys came along: willie nelson, waylon jennings, and some others in the spirit of original hank williams. but basically, an outlaw is someone who doesnt conform, a rebel. and there arent many in music these days, but i can think of three: nick, kevin, and joe. the jonas brothers, yes. why not? they wear purity rings, they dont conform to the rock star lifestyle. what i'm saying is they dont conform to the rock star lifestyle, so why cant they be considered outlaws? its very simple, because their music is crap. its not fair that i make fun of the jonas brothers, thats not fair. i'm sure its very stressful being on top of the disney music chain, there's always somebody younger and more adorable ready to take your place. someone with bigger eyes and a cuter face, someone who's even more adorable than you! it will happen to you too, justin bieber!'
= willie nelson talks and sings
- ellie kemper

style tips with tim gunn 80's edition

tim gunn critiques someone's clothing, this time its models dressed like the 80's. 'for me, the fashion plague of the 80's was the preppy look. oceans of bland pleat fronted khakis. silly little golf shirts with alligators chomping their way toward your nipples. they put the bored in boarding school. this country club hate crime wouldnt be complete without a sweater draped around the shoulders, kind of like a gay cape. thats a joke of course, because the term 'gay cape' is redundant.'

4-15-10

+ 'its kind of a strange day', craig ferguson shares, 'did you hear about the people in the midwest, they are all cockahoop about this strange light in the sky. last night thousands of people saw a fire ball streak across the sky for about 15 minutes. this fascinates me, not because i think its a ufo, i'm just fascinated by lights in general because we dont have any in the studio...'
+ style tips with tim gunn 80's edition
- kristie alley
= sade

4-14-10

+ 'its a big day: its national pecan day!' shares craig ferguson, 'its fitting that april the 14th is national pecan day, cause today we recognize nuts. and tomorrow we pay our taxes to support them! ah ha ha! that was an actual joke! take that critics who say late night is afraid to get political. well, we've peaked now, thats it, we've had a joke. anyway, scientists say that eating pecans everyday may reduce your cholesterol. just in case they are right, i wrap all my pecans in a strip of bacon. dont want the balance to be thrown off... anyway, if national pecan day hasnt taken off, i think its because they dont have a mascot. like peanuts, they've got mr. peanut. so i think pecans should have a mascot- sean pecan-erry!
- andie macdowell
# dario franchitti
= dawes