7-22-09

+ today's a big day if you are a gangster', shares craig ferguson, 'and i dont mean a 16 year old with his hat on backwards driving your mom's pimped out camery. i mean real gangsters. 75 years ago today the gangster john dillanger was shot by g-men. now when i say g-men i don't mean goreous men, or gay men. government angents, thats how they talked in the 1930's, 'say mack, a couple of g-men are on our tail' 'g-men? do you mean goreous men?' 'oh, i wish!' 'goreous men are on our tail? why are you driving so fast?!?' there's a movie out now, 'public enemies' with jonny depp and christian bale. in the 30's john dillanger was known as public enemy number one. and you know who i feal sorry for? public enemy number two. its very hard to get respenct when you're like 'dont mess with me, i'm number two! why are you laughing at me, mack? number two! on one will ever touch number two. number two will make a big splash!'
- tom lennon
- kelly rowland
> dobie maxwell not funny

7-21-09

+ 'i figured it out.' craig ferguson begins his rant, 'i figured it out! 'what?' i'll tell ya: everything!!! why everything sucks. here's why: in the 1950's a bunch of advertising guys, madison avenue guys got together and decided what they were trying to do is sell products to younger people. they said 'we should try to sell products to younger people because then they will buy more products their whole lives'. so they tried to sell them soft drinks, or bread, or cigars, or whatever the hell they were trying to sell them. they decided they would try to advertise to younger people. it was jus an advertising thing, they didn't mean any harm by it, its just a bit of market research. so they did that and told the tv companies, the movie companies, the radio companies, so everybody started targeting they youth because the youth were where you were going to be able to sell things. what happened was, in a strange sort of quirk of fate, youth began to be celebrated by society in a way that had never been done in the whole human history of society, because what used to be celebrated was experience and cleverness. what happened though, was what became valuable was youth. the quality of youth is what made you a consumer. what happened was they started concentrating on these people. i know what yuor thinking: 'but craig, in ancient greece they deified the youth'. no, they didnt, they deified beauty. ah, different, right? so what happened is youth became more important and more important and more important, and society began to turn on its head because with the deification of youth, and youth has a byproduct, the byproduct of inexperience. by the very nature of youth you dont have experience, you're too young to have it, its not your fault. but you're young and kind of stupid, so they sell you stuff, right. so the deification of youth began, but the deification of youth didn't stop there. the deification of youth evolved and became the deification of imbecility. so it became desirable and fashionable to be young and stupid. it started to be in fashion and that grew and that grew and that grew, and now that's all that kids want to be: 'i just want to be young and stupid'. but you know what? that's not what you want to be, you don't want to be that. and then what happened is people became frightened to not be young, they didnt want to be older, so they started to dye their hair, they started to mutilate their face and their bodies to look young. you cant be young forever. thats against the laws of the universe! and all of this horrible querk and terrible movement, nobody meant it, nobody meant any harm, but now we're in this terrible place where we have the fucking jonas brothers!!!'
- gerard butler
- jackie collins

7-20-09

+ during email time craig ferguson shares this: 'oh, this is awesome, this is an email from carolie in altoin bay in new hampsire. she says 'dear craig, did you know you are the highest rated late night show in the lesbian demographic? does that turn you on?' you bet it does! you know whats so awesome about it as well, it opens up a whole new range of advertisers. i think we can get into plaid shirts, ladies golf accessories... i love that lesbians watch the show. you know why? you're not judged here, no one is judged here. lesbians, not lesbians- what do you call not lesbians? unlesbians i suppose. gay, straight, fat, thin, black, white, tall short. you're all welcome here. you know why? cause its only me, and i got no problem with you, so you're good. 'yes craig, but what about us people who don't like other people?' you're welcome here too. 'but if we're welcome...' dont worry, you don't all have to watch it in the same house. hats my point. 'but craig, i'm a committed racist homophobe, i cant enjoy a show that lesbians also enjoy', well, yes you can! 'how is this possible?' well, you don't have to live in the same house. 'ooh'. its only tv, it's not important. well, its important to me, its how i pay the bills. that and the stripping.'
- margaret cho
- michael lewis
= eric church

7-17-09

+ the new harry potter movie comes out today, and craig ferguson has a few things to say about it. 'now, the harry potter books were written, of course, by j.k. rowling who was the most famous woman in scotland, until susan boyle took over. actually, i think her 15 minutes of fame are over by now, which is good- hollywood only has room for one middle aged scottish virgin, and that's me! thats right, step aside, boyle! now, the harry potter books i like cause they made magic seem cool again, this is after the years of damage caused by david blaine. jk should right more harry potter books cause kids get very excited about them, and i think thats great. kids getting excited about them instead of what i did when i was a kid, you know, watching tv, robbing houses, stabbing people. maybe that was just my childhood... i grew up in the village of the damned. 'you were thinking about hurting us, weren't you?' there's only two harry potter movies left to get made, but we'll get more after that, they're not going to stop. they'll make harry potter cartoons with harry potter's little cousin scrappy potter, harry potter meets the harlem globetrotters, a tv show where harry potter is a middle aged dude who's living in a boat in the marina, he's divorced and he solves crimes and hangs out in swingers clubs and everything i'm looking forward to that one, actually...'
- paris hilton
- alan furst
= ray lamontagne

7-16-09

+ 'its a great day for the show', craig ferguson shares, 'we're very excited, the emmy awards were announced today, the nominations, and i'm proud to say we've been nominated for outstanding achievement in fart jokes, we're very excited. no we didn't get nominated. you know why? because the academy of television arts hates america. somebody has to say it, and the price that you pay is not getting an emmy nomination. i understand. its a price i'm willing to pay for my country, thank you. yes it is.'
- isaac mizrahi
- shahren aghdashloo

7-15-09

+ 'paul mccartney was on dave tonight,' craig ferguson reminds us, 'i thought paul was fantastic! do we have a picture of paul mccartney?' craig asks, and they show a photo of angela lansbury. 'we've been doing that for years. you know, the only reason we keep doing that, by the way, in the first year of the show, the show got a terrible review from the los angeles times newspaper. a newspaper is a thing that they had before blogs. they gave the show a terrible review and the reviewer said, and i remember the quote, it said 'and without any apparent irony he shows a picture of angela lansbury and says it's paul mccartney, and he's done it three or four times.' so for the next four years i showed it once a week. some weeks it was every night. i'm still here, where are you los angeles times?!?'
- rosie perez
- mike massimino

7-14-09

+ 'its not only a great day for america, but also for our good friends the french', craig ferguson informs us, 'it's bastille day! now, bastille day, of course, is when the french celebrate the storming of the prison near paris in 1789, the bastille prison. this day was the beginning of the french revolution. it was an era of turmoil for france, lots of things happened: the french fighting, then napoleon, he turned up and ruled for a while, he was kicked out, then they decided they wanted him back, so they put him on at 10:00pm on NBC. i'm hazy on the details...'
+ skit with palin on different shows now that she's not the governor of alaska
- john larroquette
= sharon jones and the dap kings

7-13-09

+ 'people are freaked by bruno and the gay stereotypes' craig ferguson shares, 'most audience members are smart enough to know that not all gay people act like bruno, unfortunately there are some people who don't realize this, and these people are called 'morons'. morons use a funny movie like bruno to reinforce their ignorant ideas, and they always ruin it for the rest of us. 'i dont want those gays in my neighborhood checking out my ass.' no one's checking out your ass, not until you loose fifty pounds and get a belt that matches those shoes, mister! what i'm saying is of course bruno is a ridiculous gay stereotype. its like the stereotype that all scottish people wear kilts, eat haggis, and are careful with their money. its nonsense. as you see i am not wearing a kilt. its cause i spilled haggis on it, and the dry cleaners want six whole dollars! there's another stereotype that we have a special relationship with sheep. i dont have anything to do with sheep- i've had my heart broken too many times...'
- selma blair
- connie schultz

7-10-09

+ craig ferguson must be getting pretty frustrated about the late night wars, because tonight he went into a sarcastic sing-song rant on why his show is maybe not doing quite as well as the rest: ' welcome back to the biggest show in late night! doo dee dee- quiet band! oh, lights! graphics graphics graphics! 'A' list guests stopping by for a chat! promotion from the network, advertising in newspapers! oh wait, thats everybody else. welcome back to the one you have to find for yourself. but i'm glad you made it here, we are a small select group of people. we will call ourselves 'people who like cats.'
- ray romano
- michael buble talks and sings. he sure was funny too!

7-09-09

+ 'its day three of the running of the bulls in pamplona spain', craig ferguson shares, 'you know i went there in the 1990's once, i believe... no, i did, in 1990 i went to the running of the bulls, but day three i was sleeping in a dumpster and had my ass gored twice! and i hadn't yet run with the bulls... 'wait a minute crag, are you implying that you were a blackout drunk with promiscuous sex going on everywhere in the 80's and 90's?' i'm not implying, i'm categorically stating it! ah, good times...'
- jeff goldblum
- dr. lisa masterson
> avi liberman

7-08-09

+ 'the los angeles city council has declared war on marijuana dispensaries' craig ferguson informs, 'now if you dont know what a marijuana dispensary is and i'm guessing noe of this audience has any doubt what it is. 'dude, yeah, its a store where you can legally get marijuana!' yes. its supposed to be for medical reasons, for glaucoma, tunnel vision usually. strangely, half of los angeles is suffering form the scourge of tunnel vision! 'oh, the tunnel vision is so bad- and this combined with my restless leg syndrome! i'm in hell!' it's an epidemic here, glaucoma, it's worse than botox and lying about your age! i'm 31, by the way.'
- julie chen
- micheal ian black

7-07-09

+ craig ferguson shares his memories of michael jackson: 'i actually saw michael jackson perform live in concert. it was a spectacular show. i wasn't a huge fan of michael jackson, but i went because it was michael jackson- thats how big a star he was. when someone said michael jackson is on, you went! at the end of the concert i was like 'wow! that is amazing!' at the end of his concert he flew off in a jet pack! it was awesome! there were two hours of singing and dancing and crotch grabbing- and that was just me in the audience, nevermind what michael was doing on stage! it was amazing, it was an amazing concert, i was like 'wow!' it was in london at wembley stadium, the old one. it used to hold 70,000 people- can you imagine: 70,000 english people singing along with micheal jackson? 'billy jean is not my lova, oy govna!' it is though, the end of an era, michael jackson was the biggest star in the world for years- for years! these days the biggest celebrity changes every ten minutes, thanks to youtube. first it was susan boyle, then its a cat playing the piano, then its a fat guy getting hit in the nuts or something. which i admit is always funny, but michael jackson was a hit for years. he was a music icon, he was. he changed pop culture forever. he was like frank sinatra, elvis, or the beatles. i remember when sinatra died many people would say 'he was the soundtrack to my life' most of those people were in the mafia, but it's true... the music of a true icon lives forever. in the 80's, what i'm saying is that michael jackson was the soundtrack to many people's lives. not mine, in the 80's my soundtrack was just 'glug glug', maybe a little 'sniff sniff'... i'm not proud of it, i'm just telling ya what happened. anyway, what i'm saying is this: i'm not going to pretend like everyone else in the media that i didnt make jokes about michael jackson, i did. michael jackson was an icon, and i am an iconoclast and its my job. when i make fun of celebrities it's nothing personal. i would like to say tonight to the millions of people all over the world, to his fans, to the friends, and of course to the family of michael jackson, our sympathies are with you.'
+ ask aquaman
- evan rachel wood
- christopher gorham

the great puppet challenge!

on monday night craig ferguson created a new contest on his show: the great puppet challenge! often over the past several months on his show, craig has been using puppets in his introductions to the show. he started out with a monkey puppet, and has since included many many more. some times he uses one, other times (usually when craig does a musical number at the top of the show) he uses six or more at a time! now he has decided to find out which one is the audience favorite, which is the best puppet! here is you chance, go here to vote on which of craig's puppets is the greatest puppet in 'the great puppet challenge!'

7-06-09

+ 'last week i was on a USO tour in europe' craig ferguson shares, 'USO, its a great organization, God bless em. what USO does is send celebrities to perform for the troops. when they run out of celebrities, they send me! 'don't our troops suffer enough?' 'no, send ferguson!' anyway, the first stop was kosovo. its very close to serbia. its so close in fact, that the serbians think its theirs, thats kind of where the problems begin... anyway, i'm sure parts of the former yogoslovia are very beautiful, but where we were, camp bondsteel, may not be the one they want to promote in the future. the first thing you notice when you drive in from the airport to the base, theres this law in kosovo that you don't have to pay taxes on a building if its not finished- so none of the buildings are finished, none of them! everything is under construction all the time- its like cher for miles! and the USO, a very dignified and great organization, they have a very tough rule: you cannot make fun fo the local environment. and i'm thinking 'well, this is unfair!' i mean, i am a professional comedian, not a very good one but a professional, i am driving through half built villages filled with vampire counts, where the whole town shares one bushy eyebrow, and i can't make fun of them?!? thats like inviting clinton to hooters and telling him 'only touch the food, bill!'.'
- eric idle

4th of july special

this year craig ferguson again hosted the 'boston pops fireworks spectacular' on CBS. 'happy 4th of july! this is my third year hosting this incredible party! a lot has changed for me personally over the years. the first year i was here i wasn't even an american citizen, the second year i became a citizen, and now i'm just an average american dude kicking back and having a bbq, lighting off fireworks with a million of my closest friends!'
through out the telecast craig would come on and introduce everything that was going on, from performances by neil diamond, to the amazing fireworks in boston!

a lady of insignificance

a skit parodying stuffy british dramas, here craig ferguson plays 'a lady of insignificance', a woman who is trying to find love. it is presented as a preview for a movie, showing who is in it and the cast includes all kinds of different craig impressions: sean connery, michael caine, angela lansbury, and many more! what, no aguaman?!?

6-26-09

+ craig ferguson often misspronounces words, but goes with it. he has a great skill of turning his mistakes into humor. today there were a couple examples: 'the gentelman who directed transformers is michael bay. he makes all the movies about explosions and testerone. testerone? 'dont you mean testosterone?' 'no, no i dont' 'whats testerone then?' 'well, its like testosterone, only its european!'. oh, it's friday, what do you want? i've had a long week! anyway, michael bay makes all the mu... musicals? yeah, musicals. he makes musicals!' then craig breaks into a showtune song 'transformers! hey hey hey!' 'look, i know it's crap, but i'm trying! actually, i'm lying to ya- i'm not even trying that hard... michael bay makes all the movies with explosions and testosterone is what i'm trying to say. oh, i wanted to talka bout it, but we've run out of time!'

+ 'a lady of insignificance' skit

+ dear aquaman

- lisa kudrow

> james frey

= chairlift they are pretty good!

6-25-09

+ 'its national catfish day!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'it was actually started in 1987, catfish day, by president regan, so thank you mr. president! you took the time out of single-handedly defeating communism to give us catfish day. probably not what you are best remembered for, but you did do it. catfish go their name cause they look a bit like cats. i'm running low on crap about catfish day... no, they're called catfish cause they've got the wiskers, and they look a bit like cats. now, cats the animals, not the broadway show 'cats', but they can do jazz fins!'

+ dear aquaman

- larry david he seemed obviously amused with craig!

-> wolfgang puck

6-24-09

+ 'all im saying', craig ferguson explains, 'is that its a sad state of affairs when a politician who's always banging on about family values gets caught banging on. this would be like if al gore was caught using four s.u.v.s bringing his lunch to work. over the past couple of years theres been a whole lof of scandals involving governors. first there was the governor of new jersey with his secret gay sex life, which is like 'oh, that makes him quite interesting!'. then there was governor spitzer who was like 'i hate hookers, except for the ones i hire'. blagojavich taking bribes and wearing a beaver on his head. you know it's pretty messed up when the most normal governor of the last decade has been jesse 'the body' ventura!'

- mary steenburgen

= bettye lavette

> todd sawyer

star trek

when the new star trek movie came out, craig ferguson had a skit showing what william shatner tried to do to get in the film. it shows shatner, played terribly by craig, trying to get on the set of the movie. the whole thing fell apart pretty quickly as craig kept breaking character and admitting how terrible his impression of shatner was!

best guests

as with anyone, craig ferguson has his favorites. as a tv show host he has many, many guests on his show, but there are always those special few who he has a closer bond with. and every time they are on it is television gold! in my opinion, there are three guests in particular who craig seems to enjoy above all others. when they are on you can just tell he is having a blast- and so is the guest! below is a list of (in my opinion) who are his top three guests:

ewan mcgregor- i've seen him as a guest twice now, and each time has been outrageously funny! they obviously have a long history together and are close friends. when ever ewan is on, its absolutely apparent that they are having a blast. they both become like giddy school boys messing around! both times ewan has been on he has done a guest spot on the skit 'espn uk', wearing a wig and a mustache which never stays put. these sketches have become the funniest moments ever on craigs show.

jim parsons- jim comes on fairly regularly due to being on 'the big bang theory', another cbs show. jim and craig are great fun to watch together because jim is a very intellectual person who tries to be funny, and craig, also an intellectual person, plays off that by being even more ridiculous and silly. jim plays it straight and pretends to not get craig, and craig plays it funny pretending not to understand jim- the classic laurel and hardy formula!

billy connelly- obviously another friend of craigs, the two of them have a great chemistry and rapport. i cant quite figure out if its a father/son relationship, or an older brother/younger brother sort of thing, but either way, the two of them riff off each other to great effect!

am i missing anyone? who do you think is the best when they are along side craig?

6-23-09

+ a lot of people confuse american idol with america's got talent. they are not the same thing, they are very different. america's got talent isn't just people singing, they've got dancing, they got magicians, they got guys who juggle balls. although to be fair, i think american idol had some guys who juggle balls this season too... anyway, i'm looking at the america's got talent show today, and here's the amazing thing: the winner gets a show in las vegas and a million dollars! you might think 'man, now thats a prize!' right? then you find out the money gets payed out over 40 years. thats true! that means that the winner gets a show in vegas and 25 grand a year. now, according to estimates, 25 grand is a poverty level wage, but its poverty for 40 years- guaranteed! so, even if you win, you loose.

+ craig talks with governor arnold schwarzenegger

- jim parsons a light is out over his head, so he sits in the farther of the two chairs- hilarity ensues!

6-22-09

+ 'the creator of the vibrating bed died today. it's not sexy to me, the vibrating bed, i can get the same feeling leaning against a washing machine. that's why i can never go back to the laundry mat. call me fluff and fold!'

- marion cotillard

* michael musto craig certainly seemed to dislike this guy...

6-19-09

+ this was craig ferguson's 900th episode! wow! after the monologue, as he was walking back to his desk, he slipped on some grease that was on the floor and, in his words, almost died! 'call me lawyers!''you know, a lot of people say to me 'craig' and i'm like 'yeah? what?' they're like 'just hi.' and then other people dont say that, they say 'craig, do you know this? that prince charles is not only the prince of wales in the uk, he's also the king of late night tv in the uk.' i say 'no, that's not true', they say 'yes, it is true', and then they say 'look at this clip!' and i say 'where did you get a clip? we're in starbucks!' apparently you can get clips in starbucks now!' all that just to lead into a new installment of 'the rather late programme with prince charles'
- bryan cranson
= ben kweller

6-18-09

+ 'do you know who's broken more bones than anyone else ever, in the history of bone breaking?' craig asks, 'thats a history, its a real thing. its in the guinness book of world records: evel knievel! that makes me respect him a bit more, as if you need a reason to respect a guy who's mother named him 'evel!' 'and what are you going to call your child, mrs. knievel?' 'we're going to call him evel' 'evel knievel, you say?' 'yes, we're hoping he goes into daredevil stunt riding when he's older'. i like the old daredevil stunt riders like evel knievel, launching motorcycles over school busses, jumping through rings of fire, driving with mel gibson- they were crazy! nobody dared evel to do any of this stuff, he wasnt a daredevil, he did it for his own reasons. he's more of a 'stupid devil'. basically he was just a drunk guy with a motorcycle- which was awesome! remember when he jumped over snake river canyon on his motorcycle? people were saying 'aw, he's cheating cause its really just a motorcycle strapped to a rocket'. oh, you're right, he's cheating, what a cop out, anyone can do that! oh, he's just put a rocket on a motorcycle! thats not cheating, thats clinically insane!'
+ the return of 'michael caine in space'
- sandra bullock
= metric (they were pretty good!)
> david feldman lame

6-17-09

+ after another political scandal, involving a republican senator from nevada, craig tells it like it is: 'now of course, all the people on the left are delighted because senator ensin is a republican. of course, when someone from the left is in trouble, everyone on the right is delighted. you know me, i'm just delighted when any of them are in trouble! cause i don't care what side they are on, if anyone isn't out there lying, talking crap, cheating on their wives, i'd have nothing to talk about. it would be fart jokes every night! i'd have to talk about serious stuff like the economy or global warming. so to all the politicians i say 'thank you hypocritical bastards! thank you from the bottom of my heart!'
+ ask aquaman
- julia ormond
# derrick pitts

6-16-09

+ have you seen the spider-man on hollywood boulevard?' craig ferguson asks, 'have you seen him? oh, you'd clap if you'd seen him. that spider-man costume is... snug. its like you can see his spidey sense tingling! you can, you just see him and you're like 'oh, man!' throw a web over that or something!' realizing he has gotten off on a tangent, craig asks 'what was i talking about? i got distracted by the revealing costume of spider-man, not for the first time either...'
* jeff foxworthy
= gavin degraw

6-15-09

+ 'on the other side of the world there are riots going on', craig ferguson reminds us, 'crowds are flooding the streets of tehran standing up for a little something called democracy. if you havent been following the story, here it is: last week iran had a presidential election adn president imadinnerjacket was behind in the poles. then, low and behold, which is another way of saying 'then', low and behold, he won big everywhere! the big cities, rural areas, he even won in florida- which is impossible! many iranians think his 'come from behind' victory was rigged. why do they think that? well, the officials at the election ministry have cell phone videos of the ballot boxes being stuffed. that would be proof, in fact. the election results themselves are kind of hard to believe. according to the numbers, both opposition candidates lost in their own home towns. that's like obama loosing in his home city of chicago. i'm not in any way suggesting that iranian politics are as corrupt as chicago, but even blagojavich is like 'these guys are good!'
but what happened was the young people in iran could smell a rat. so they did what all young people do these days- they got on twitter. they are on the twitter and are organizing protests on the twitter. i dont know how they're doing it, i dont know how twitter works. i've said it before, i dont care, its not for me, i'm a geezer. but technology that spreads information quickly is always good for democracy. our american revolution wouldnt have happened without the printing press- the twitter of its day! they made up pamphlets saying 'arent the british bastards?!?' and handed them out. it would have been a lot easier for paul revere if he had twitter! he wouldnt need a horse- just a phone! 'the british are coming! the british are coming! omg! angry
emoticon' send!
- holly hunter
= camera obscura

6-12-09

+ 'its a big night for television,' craig ferguson explains, 'every tv station has made the transition from analog to digital. it went into effect at midnight tonight. oh yeah, digital- hurrah! no, don't applaud digital. now that i'm digital, i feel like a new man! i must confess, i feel like a new man every night. sticking with the same one makes me bored... now if you don't understand the digital transition, you are not alone, its very confusing. it's like trying to understand quantum physics, or 'lost', or paula abdul or something. now, not everyone is affected. if you have cable or satellite, you're ok. actually, if you have cable or satellite, you're not watching this show!'
- dane cook
+ larry king of the jungle
* peter travers

6-11-09

+ craig ferguson received an email asking 'dear craig, was henry the 8th really such a bad guy?' craig responds 'well, lets look at the historical evidence: he killed, what, two or was it three of his wives? he murdered a lot of people, and died of syphilis i believe. nah, wasn't that bad. what is wrong with you?!? yes, yes, he was a bad guy! 'but he was a king!', yes that's why we dont have any in america! except larry king, who's not a bad guy.'

- larry king

- anna friel

the must list

every year entertainment weekly makes a list of what is cool and popular this year. it used to be called 'the it list', but a couple years ago they changed it to 'the must list'. either way, our good old friend craig ferguson is on it this year! here is what entertainment weekly had to say:

Craig Ferguson: Must Monologuist
AGE: 47
WHY HIM: CBS' Late Late
Show host gives the most spontaneous, surprising monologues in late night.
REDEFINING THE BUCKET LIST: ''I work out the monologue subjects with the writers, but we don't write actual jokes. It allows for improvisation. One night recently there was a leak in the studio ceiling, and someone had put a ratty old bucket down to catch the drips. I did 10 minutes on that bucket. The audience loved it, 'cause they knew it was spontaneous. So if I can give any future talk-show host advice, it's this: Don't ignore the buckets in life. Speak from your heart about a leaky-ceiling bucket.''
NEXT: His no-holds-barred autobiography (drinking! punk-rock drumming!), titled American on Purpose, will be published in September.
ON HIS MUST LIST: Jeannette Walls' new book, Half Broke Horses.

betty white

betty white is a frequent guest on 'the late late show with craig ferguson'. she, along with a handful of other regulars, stop by and do sketches with criag after the monologue. craig will say that he has a guest coming on to talk about the something in particular, whether its the head of the girl scouts, or a representative for an airline, or his mail deliverer. then out comes betty pretending to be that person. the skits usually go the same way: craig asks about what she does and it always devolves into some sexual topic, which is always funny to hear betty white talk about sex!
craig himself talks about betty white as a regular on the show:
'betty white is the morgan freeman of comedy. you put her in a movie, it's automatically better! like when morgan freeman is in a movie you think 'well it's got to be good, morgan freeman is in it'. the same with betty white. if betty white is in a movie, it's going to be good! that's why we have her on this show all the time. cause, lets be honest, this is a crap show, but when shes on you go 'finally!' cause you know its going to be funny, and when she leaves, it's time to go to bed!'

6-10-09

+ 'its not such a great day for miss california today, who was fired!' craig ferguson shares. 'apearantly pageant organizers felt that she best represented the state of california if she was, in fact, unemployed. its a terrible shame, i'm very worried. i just hope, i hope with all my heart, that california can find another dumb blond with fake boobs- i hope we have one! fingers crossed!'
+ tim meadows reports on the newest supreme court appointment
- chris matthews

6-09-09

+ during the email time, joel mchale stops by to help craig ferguson read the emails, which lead to some really funny stuff! 'hi joel mchale' craig says. 'hellow craig ferguson' joel responds. 'how come you wear a tie on your show, but you come to visit me and you dont wear a tie?' inquires craig. 'because i dont care about this show' joel states. not surprised, craig says 'oh, ok.'+ the rather late programme with prince charles

+ ask aquaman

- dame edna

6-08-09

+ 'you know, there's a lot of indian people in glasgow, in scotland, where i grew up.' craig ferguson informs us, 'theres a huge indian community there, and they have a very unusual accent, its a scottish indian accent- very strange' (craig then tries to mimic it, but the funniness of the accent gets lost a bit in the written word...) 'the first delicious- the first decent food- i ever had in my life was at an indian restaurant. indian food is very popular over there because it goes good with beer. and indian curry is the most popular food in all of britain, it's not hard to believe if you've ever had british food. 'you want some fried eggs then? you want some beans on toast?' they ate beans one at a time to fit them in their tiny little mouths.'

- kevin bacon

* michael irving

6-05-09

+ 'there are two big movies this weekend', craig ferguson reminds us, 'what if they combined 'land of the lost' and 'the hangover'? you would see dinosaurs in las vegas- that would be fantastic! plenty fo things for dinosaurs to do in vegas, go see carrot top, 'he doesn't taste like carrots at all!' its very difficult for dinosaurs to play the slot machines though, short arms. hey i think dinosaurs would do very well in vegas- look at the success of cher, she plays vegas every night!'
- chris kattan
> henry cho

oooh!

this little bit first showed up on salvidor dali's birthday episode. craig ferguson was talking about dali and the randomness of the dada movement, this being an example of that randomness. when craig puts his hand to his head and goes 'oooh!' then this picture of dali slides onto the screen and goes 'oooh!' craig has since ooohed many times, and usually at the most unusual moments too! a follow up to this bit is the double oooh!, which shows a picture of a giraffe when ever craig puts two hands up to his head and goes 'oooh!'. there is no sense behind it, its just funny!

6-04-09

+ 'big news today,' craig ferguson announces, 'it's literally big news- the world's tallest man was discovered in china. eight foot one. how do you discover an eight foot one man? who's job is it to go around 'discovering' men? how do i get me that job? was there an expedition 'lets go looking for a big man' 'i'm with you!' i hope they didn't plant their pole in him...'

+ larry king talks to the new head of GM

- elizabeth perkins

# mark burnett

= bernie williams the baseball star plays a little jazz.

6-03-09

+ one thing i'd like to clear up about the middle east', craig ferguson implores, 'this is true, they love americans there. they don't hate us, they have some problems with some of our policies, but they love us. they love american culture, they love american clothes, they love most things american. and everyone in the middle east is like 'oh, i love bruce willis! do you know bruce willis?' bruce willis?!? 'aw, he's the greatest action hero ever!' everyone just kept asking 'oh, an american!- do you know bruce willis?' eventually i just said 'yes i do, and he is a great kisser!'

+ dear aquaman

- jeffrey tambor

- gabrielle anwar

6-02-09

+ 'over the weekend the president barack obama took his wife michelle out on a date', craig ferguson shares, 'it wasn't like a regular date like you and me, that wasnt good enough for our 44th president. he flew in to new york city, had a fancy dinner, and if that wasnt enough, they went to see a broadway show! now, mr. president, i respect you, but knock it off! you're making the rest of us look bad! some people are outraged by the obama's date, and by some people, i mean the g.o.p. there was an article where they slammed him for it. now, i'm just a vulgar lounge entertainer, i don't know anything, right? i think we can all agree on that. but republicans, may i suggest that slamming the president for being 'romantic' with his wife is not the best way to win back the millions of women who deserted you during the last election!'

+betty white, craig's paper girl, comes to deliver the press

- denis leary

- diane birch

+fozzy bear shows up to help out with the show wrap-up!

6-01-09

+ craig ferguson cracks an 'octomom' joke and asks if they still have the 'octomom' graphic. 'there was a time on late night shows where you had to do an octomom joke. do we still have the graphic for that? no, we dont, we recycled it, we threw it away. yeah, why keep it lying around, its not like we'd ever use it again' craig says sarcastically, 'nope, we don't have it. at least you know when i say we dont rehearse i'm not kidding. we don't. your probably like 'thats a joke, it's part of the shtick'. its not part of the shtick, we genuinely dont give a rats ass. we are about you, but this? how could you care about this?'

+ access extratainment tonight

- mary-luise parker

- guillermo del toro

= tori amos

cbs censors

late late show regular dave foley stoped by to talk with craig ferguson. each time he stops by they have a good time, this time it was under the ruse that cbs was getting upset about the foul language on the show, so a cbs censor had to be present for the conversation. any time dave or craig would say something offensive, the censor would push a buzzer and they would have to substitute in a different word. its an old improv game which forces the person talking to be creative and think of new ways to say what they have to say. the things that are censored are not actually offensive, but its a creative word game that keeps everyone on their toes. dave, who has a history in sketch comedy and improv, excels at the game, as does craig. its a funny little game and brings about some good laughs!

5-26-09

+ 'night at the museum 2 came out.' craig ferguson informs us, 'you know, usually i don't like museums to be honest, cause they are too much like strip clubs. they are for me because i know i'm going to get in trouble for touching something i'm not supposed to.'

+ dave foley comes by to talk about gardening and the cbs censor is there monitoring

= chris isaak talks and sings

- moon bloodgood

5-25-09

+ its memorial day! 'what i do on memorial day', craig ferguson shares, 'is the what everybody does on memorial day. three words: bar bee que! we had a cookout right here at CBS, all the CBS employees were there, andy rooney 'agh, i hate things!' andy was at the bbq, he brought the cream corn. jennifer love hewett was there, she brought a couple melons. drew carrey was there, he was in charge of the rest of the food... and i parked the cars. i love bbq though, not just for the food. i love to stand by the hot grill wearing just my speedoes. once i was doing that and i burned my wiener. now, when i say wiener, i mean penis. just soes were clear on this. i dont want you to think 'oh, he burned the sausage'- no! thats not what happened.'

+ michael caine's animal kingdom

- bob saget

* p w singer

5-22-09

+ 'you know what i'm excited about?' craig ferguson asks the audience, 'the new terminator movie! this is the movie where when they were shooting it christian bale went all shouty on the set. remember that? he was like 'why you...! i aught to... beep!' i remember when i heard the recording i was like 'this is awesome! i love this guy!' people were all up in arms 'oh christian bale screamed and swore on a movie set!' and i'm like 'i dont think he screamed and swore enough!' if you havent heard an actor scream and swear on a movie set its because you haven't spent enough time on a damn movie set, thats what i say. actors are douche bags and a movie set is a high pressure environment! its true! you've got this actor, and he's a terrific actor, christian bale, and your giving him millions of dollars, right? you pay him millions of dollars to be emotionally unstable, to be a conflicted guy. then while he's in the middle of a high pressure situation being all conflicted, he has a tantrum. everybody's like 'he's emotionally unstable!'- that's why your paying him millions of dollars! it's crazy! that man is a good actor!'

- mark ruffalo

- mindy kaling

= the decemberists

5-21-09

+ after his someone in the audience coughs, craig ferguson (mock angered) lays it out for him, 'if i was rich i would have a hollowed out volcano, then i'd live in it and have a secret army or robot skeletons. then we'd see who would tell me how to do my job! thats right, when the robot skeleton army comes, pal, your the first against the wall, cough or no cough!''i've got an announcement to make and you might as well know it. i'm about to become very rich and i want to make the announcement on the show so you dont read it in the papers. today i got an email from a nigerian prince...'

+ craig plays william shatner trying to get into the new star trek movie set.

- john waters

- manda musher

5-20-09

+ 'people are saying this year's american idol is very exciting', craig ferguson informs us, 'cause one of the finalists is adam who wears eyeliner and may or may not be gay. and the other finalist is kris, who doesnt wear eyeliner and may or may not be gay. i think i speak for just about anyone on planet earth when i say they all may or may not be gay! who gives a rats ass if the american idol winner is gay? i don't want to see anyone question anyone on american idol about they're sexuality. unless it's ryan- that will get my attention!

+ simon cowell says he may not return to american idol, so craig imagines him on other shows like sesame street, dancing with the stars, who wants to be a millionaire, deadliest catch, as part of the jonas brothers, 60 minutes, dirty jobs 'this rubbish is rubbish!', the late late show, and cops. very funny!

- guy pearce

> hattie hayridge

= hensley

5-19-09

+ the topic for the night is evolution, and craig ferguson shares his thoughts: 'now some people don't believe darwin's theory, they believe man's been around since the time of the dinosaurs, and i'm one of them! yeah, thats right, you heard me darwinists! and the evidence for this is overwhelming: have you ever seen the flintstones? yes! now in the flintstones man could not have survived without dinosaurs. how did we build our first tall buildings? riding on the back of a brontosaurus. how did the first records get played? using the 'bird's beak' system. you don't like it scientists, but facts are facts!'
- kathy griffin
* nelson george

5-18-09

+ happy birthday craig ferguson! sunday was his birthday and craig is feeling old! he has a few things to say about it: 'i don't like birthdays. i hate being the center of attention, thats why i do this show. i always, after my birthday, i try to think about things i'm grateful for: so, i'm grateful that my hip doesn't hurt, i'm grateful that i've been out here a couple minutes and i still dont have to take a wee...'

'i was a born a torus, its the sign of a bul. if your under the sign of a bull you have to put up with it your whole life. i dont necessarily believe the sign determines who you are. although i will admit i sometimes stomp my foot and i charge at spanish men in tight pants.'

+ dan mcvicker and craig get into a melodramatic fight

- justin long

* laurence block

5-15-09

+ craig ferguson shares a little bit of his life: 'a lot of people say to me 'craig, get out of this house, you don't live here!', and other people say to me... well, not so much anymore, but back in the day! when i was drinking, 'i'll just live here for a while'. 'alright then, but we got to get married'. 'fair enough...'
- ewan mcgregor. it must be said, ewan mcgregor is probably the greatest guest ever on this show, every time he comes on it is comedy gold!
+ espn uk with ewen mcgregor- totally hilarious!
= all american rejects