1-23-09

+ 'in scotland this weekend they celebrate burns night', craig ferguson shares, 'it's a huge event over there, its like st. patricks day and super bowl sunday all wrapped into one- there's a lot a drinking is what i'm trying to say. hurrah for alcoholism, you sick bastards... it's a day to celebrate the poet robert burns, who is considered scotland's favorite son. this sunday they celebrate his 250th birthday. he's a national icon, and its no wonder, cause during his lifetime he was an out of control drunk with a string of illegitimate children!'

+ 'inside the world of acting', with sir cornwell barnes

- james earl jones

1-22-09

+ 'today was the first day for hillary clinton as secretary of state', craig ferguson tells us, 'she's now in charge of all foreign affairs. bill clinton will still handle all domestic affairs... she's going to be out of the country a lot!'

'john mccain is on larry king live tonight, they talked about the biggest threat facing them both today, which is teenagers on their lawn.'

+ larry king of the jungle

- jennifer love hewitt

- matthew rhys

1-21-09

+ every night craig ferguson starts with a short two minute bit where he tries to get everyone to stay tuned for the show, usually he doesn't have much to say and often resorts to using puppets (which is usually very funny!). but today he's got something different: 'i know what you're thinking, 'he's got nothing to say', well you're wrong!' craig informs us, 'cause you know what i just heard? in washington dc president obama is retaking the oath of office. did you see it yesterday? there was a bit of a flub. there's an argument over if its obama's fault, or john g roberts jr's fault. oh, you'd know thats his name if you'd recently taken the citizen test! i had never heard of him before that, and lets be honest, neither had you. anyway, so he gets to take the oath of office again! i don't know if that's fair, i don't get to do this show again if it's crap, and lets be honest, it often is. maybe that's why they don't let me do it again, cause it'll just be crap again. so i will promise you this, loyal viewer. mrs. henderson in cincinnati, margaret, if i may call you that. could you imagine if you are someone called margaret henderson sitting in cincinnati going 'what the hell is this?!? how did he know about me?' oh, i know about you margaret- put on your house coat woman!'

+ talk with former president bush and vice president chaney

- trace adkins talks and sings, and he's actually pretty funny too!

* perez hilton

the soup

on the E! channel there is a show called 'the soup' hosted by joel mchale where he makes fun of the weeks television shows. joel has been on craig ferguson's show quite often. the last time joel was on craig asked him when he would get to be on 'the soup' and joel said whenever he wanted. being true to his word, craig was on 'the soup' on january 30!

joel mchale starts by saying 'on this week's episode of '24'...' and craig steps into camera and says 'woah woah woah! you can't just tell us whats happening on '24'!' joel responds 'hey! it's the star of the conveniently named 'late late show with craig ferguson', craig ferguson! i have to tell everyone what happened on '24', how else am i going to kill a minute of tv time? it's not like you can just ramble on for a solid minute and make everything entertaining and then just say 'it's reality show clip time' and hope it all makes sense!' craig replies 'you're saying something about my show, aren't you? you're saying that what i do on my show is go on and i ramble on and what i say doesn't make sense and i hope its entertaining! your saying that about my show, but let me tell you something, mister. but i dont go out there and tell them what's happening on '24', you don't want to tell them whats happening cause they might want to watch it again. and your going to ruin it cause 'ooh, look at me, i'm joel mchale with my skinny tie, and ooh, look how tall i am, i'm 25 foot tall! well you know what, pal? fuck you! and fuck your show! oh, it's reality show clip time!' the whole time craig kept busting up laughing and couldn't keep the smile off his face. he came back a couple minutes later to mock the show 'the city' from mtv.

1-20-09

+ today is inauguration day, and craig ferguson is excited. 'two million people were there in washington dc to see it happen, there, in the cold. now, i think obama owes a debt of gratitude to bush for that. the only reason the crowd was that big was because they were unemployed and they have the time. it was very emotional, some people in the crowd cried, the liberals i'm talking about mostly, haven't cried this much since... well, quite recently, i suppose. they cry all the time, they've got feelings 'boo hoo, i spilled my latte in my prius, boo hoo, now how will i get npr?'
+ u2 backstage at the inauguration
- joel mchale
= the submarines

1-19-09

+ 'it's martin luther king jr. day today', craig ferguson mentions, 'and isn't it fitting that, on his last day in office, president bush takes a holiday? it seems like the whole country's got inauguration fever, or at least 52% of the country, the other 48% seem to be immune... all the hotels in washington dc are overbooked, a lot of v.i.p.'s have got nowhere to stay. things are so bad, 'how bad are they craig?', i'll tell you how bad they are- things are so bad that bill and hillary have to share a room!'

+ michael caine in space

- sarah chalke

- jeffery dean morgan man, this guy is funny!

= seal

1-16-09

+ craig ferguson shares 'i read somewhere that women like scary movies so they can jump in their boyfriend's arms, which is a waste of money. if you really want to be scared, ladies, you should date a violent unpredictable drunk. yah, if you want to be scared... if you want a chick flick, date a gay guy. there you are, cause there are only two types of men out there, apearently: gay or violently unpredictable drunks. or, in very rare cases like myself, a dangerous hybrid of the two...'

+ michael caine in space

- dev patel

> greg proops

michael caine in space

one of my favorite bits, in this short recurring segment craig ferguson dresses up like michael caine in an astronaut suit and gives short little stories about being michael caine. usually it has something to do with 'shagging birds' or some wild party from the 60's. the best part is just hearing craig's spot-on impression of michael caine!

1-15-09

+ 'did you see that airplane landing in new york?!?' craig ferguson asks amazed, 'it's a great day for the people on that flight! wow! as far as we know all aboard are safe. it appears what happened is both engines went out when the plane hit a flock of geese', the crowd laughs, 'sure, you're laughing cause you're sitting here, you wouldn't be if you were sitting on the damn plane! the captain, sully sullenburger, he executed a water landing with no power. that's insanely difficult what he did, that is an amazing bit of flying. the only thing they lost was their luggage, and that was going to happen anyway...'

+ michael caine in space

- wanda sykes

= glasvegas

1-14-09

+ its an important milestone today and craig ferguson explains it to us: 'its a great day here at cbs, one of our own, broadcasting legend andy rooney, turns 90 years old today. congrats andy. if cbs is lucky, we will enjoy your trademark complaining for years to come. i don't understand why andy is so angry, he only works three minutes a week! the last andy rooney i saw, this is absolutely true, he was complaining that he had too much stuff in his kitchen drawers. what the hell is that? prime time cbs: a 90 year old guy complaining about his utensils 'don't you hate it when you have too many spatulas?'.'

+ a talk with a dick chaney impersonator

- john waters

* norah o'donnell

1-13-09

+ craig ferguson reminds us that 'obama starts work in one week, and president bush is giving his farewell address tomorrow night, it's going to air on three major networks, and nbc as well... obama starts next week and iranian protesters took to the streets today and they were burning posters of obama. i was thinking 'aw, come on! he's not even in office yet! i don't even think these guys are angry, i think they just like fire. i think it's just winter in iran, they're cold! 'oh come on, no one will know...'.'

+ dear aquaman

- kristen scott thomas

- joshua jackson

1-12-09

+ 'the detroit auto show is this week', craig ferguson informs us, 'the american automakers are showing off their cars, unfortunately the companies didn't get as much in the bail out as they thought they would get, so a ticket to the show costs 1.3 billion dollars, but its worth it! i like how at the auto show you look at all the cars and there's always a hot girl next to it showing it off. any car looks better if theres a hot girl on the hood! i don't know why they are there, is it so you know where the car is? 'hmm, i kind of don't recognize cars when i see them... oh look! a hot girl- oh a car is underneath her!' i feel bad for those models as well, cause it's the same question all day 'do you come with the car?' 'do you come with the car?' 'do you come with the car?', and the answer is always the same: 'no craig, i do not. put your pants back on and get out of here!'.'

- john corbett talks and sings

- tracie toms

1-09-09

+ always the perveyer of new movies, craig ferguson informs us that there are two new ones coming out. 'the first one is called 'bride wars', it's like 'star wars' for the ladies. its about two young ladies on their wedding day. it stars kate hudson and anne hathaway, because who knows more about healthy relationships than kate hudson and anne hathaway?

the other movie is 'unborn', about a girl with an evil twin. i think its based on the life of the olson twins. one of them is good, the other is evil. what are their names again? thats right, mary kate and osama...'

+ tim meadows reports from the golden globes

- ted danson

> paula poundstone performs and talks

1-08-09

+ with the consumer electronics show going on this week, craig ferguson has some things to share about it. 'lexus announced they have a talking car coming out. i don't need a fancy talking car, all i need is a smooth ride, comfortable seats, and a cup holder. it's all about the cup holder for me, i used to have an english car, but i had to get rid of it because it only had a cup holder for tea. and the GPS was very snooty, it was an english GPS. it would talk like 'what's a scottish guy like you doing in a fancy car like this? you can't afford this!'.'

+ rather late programme with prince charles

- amy sedaris

- dennis heysbert

1-07-09

'led zeppelin announced they're making a new record!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i know! that's awesome! one catch, they're making it without robert plant. jimmy page said they are auditioning new singers. you can't do that!- zeppelin without plant, that's like the blowfish without hootie, like simon and garfunkel without garfunkel... actually, thats a really bad example.'

- william shatner he reinacts a strange real-life seal rape scene.

+dear aquaman

= jazmine sullivan

1-06-09

+ 'it's armageddon week on the history channel', craig furguson shares, 'and i'm very excited. all this week it's specials about the end of the world. you know, a cheery start to the new year. they've got all the signs, they're studying them, and all the signs are there: they've got the four horsemen, plague of frogs, me getting married.... last night i watched a special on nostradamus, he predicted armageddon, he wrote 'there will be a great war in europe'. thats really going out on a limb, isn't it? europe is a densely populated continent full of countries that hate each other, and have for thousands of years. that's like predicting a politician will have a sex scandal, or oprah will go on a diet. many people say, of course, the best way to predict the future is to study the past- don't tell that to my new wife!'

+ dear aquaman
- marisa tomei

- pauley perrettet

a married man

congratulations to craig ferguson on the wedding to megan wallace cunningham! may your lives together be long and happy, and full of cheeky wee monkeys.

1-05-09

+ craig ferguson got married!!! 'i had a great time off. what happened? i got married!' craig exclaims, and the crowd goes wild! 'i know! i know i said i would never get married again, but apparently i can't live by my own rules. take that, me. you know what was even more shocking? the wedding was in vermont where they have legalized gay civil unions, and i married a woman! but i am european, so i was both the groom and maid of honor.'

'there are all sorts of rumor online that this could actually hurt my career. they say 'he can't get married, there will be thousands of angry cougars!' well, there will be upwards of a dozen angry cougars... so i'm sorry angry cougars, and angry bears, and one very disappointed sheep...'

- richard lewis

+ larry king of the jungle

million dollar password

craig ferguson recently appeared on 'million dollar password' as a celebrity contestant. the show is hosted by regis philbin, and he introduces craig by saying 'joining us tonight, one of the funniest comedians, very unique, very original, from the late late show on cbs, craig ferguson!' craig waves to the crowd and regis comments 'and, uh, thanks so much for dressing up...'
'anyway craig,' continues regis, 'it's great to see you, love your monologues; very unique, off the cuff, just great stuff.'
craig responds 'thank you regis, i feel the same way about you, but today- stay out of my way!'
regis retorts 'and incidentally, welcome to primetime tv'
'hey, knock it off!' craig responds.
as the game progressed craig did a great job and was very good at giving clues and guessing words. he was selected to help by both contestants and he won both of them twenty five thousand dollars!

12-26-08

+ christmas is over, but there is still some holiday fun to be had. craig ferguson tells us 'back in the old country, where i'm from, the day after christmas is called 'boxing day'. it got it's name from donation boxes that were opened after christmas when priests would hand out money to the poor. its a tradition i think we can start here in america. the day after christmas we could offer help to the needy, like hobo's, the banks, car companies, you know, the people who really need our help...'

+ a sean connery holiday memory

+ an absolutely hysterical cooking segment with wolfgang puck and kristen bell. this is probably the funniest the show has ever been! i was howling with laughter the whole time!

12-23-08

+ it's christmas time!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'now, my christmas is usually pretty low key. you know, a crackling fire, roasted nuts... i have to remember not to stand so close to the fire this year.'

craig goes on to share a few family traditions in his household: 'when i was a kid santa never brought us much. our tradition, what we used to do is yell up the chimney for santa. my dad would be sitting there 'yell up the chimney, son' 'hey santa, can i have a bike?' my dad would be standing behind me 'no, we dont have any bikes left. how about a potato? you can carve it into any shape you like'.'

'the whole family would hang stockings, every year the stockings are always filled with the same things: tangerines and chocolate. i have no idea why, its not a combination you see at any other time of year. tangerines and chocolate, but thanks to that diet i got zits, but never got scurvy!'

+ tom arnold stops by in a santa suit

- billy bob thornton comes bearing gifts.

= conor oberst

12-22-08

+ during the two minute intro segment craig ferguson often enjoys playing with different stuffed animals that people bring him. this week he has been talking as the voice of a stuffed monkey, 'good evening everyone, i'm the traditional christmas monkey. a christmas monkey dressed as some sort of elevator operator... nothing says christmas like a talking gay monkey dressed like an elevator operator. and im wearing no pants! ha ha! that can only mean one thing: santa's on his way!'

+ craig is visited by three christmas ghosts

- joel mchale

= matt nathanson

craig ferguson's holiday christmas spectacular

its that time of year once again where everyone has their christmas specials. we are told that unfortunately cbs wasn't willing to air craig ferguson's special, so he decided to air it himself. this is a sketch in the style of those old christmas specials where the host is in his living room and some famous guests stop by and chat. a guy doing is dressed up playing the part of craig (this guy is terrible and unfunny, he needs to be fired!), and different guests stop in to say hi. first, craig comes in dressed up as michael caine with a glass of wiskey in one hand, and a bunch of double entendres in the other. he leaves and after a few seconds craig comes back dressed as prince charles, bearing gifts for 'craig'. after he is gone, craig comes back dressed as santa! it was a really funny bit, well, except for the guy playing 'craig'.

12-19-08

+ always one to share new research, craig ferguson tells about the latest, 'there was a study that just came out this week that debunks a lot of popular myths, i was fascinated by this, for example sugar doesn't actually make kids go crazy. i thought it did, but it doesn't. eating at night does not make you fatter than any other time of day, also, he who smelt it isn't necessarily the one who dealt it! i'm like 'are you sure?!?' lets just pull my finger to check...'

+ tillman, the skateboarding dog brings out the mail. it goes very poorly.

+ craig ferguson's holiday christmas spectacular

- jeffrey tambor

> patrick keane

12-18-08

+ 'there was a huge announcement today from the disney channel', craig shares, 'they are going to russia! starting next month they're going to be broadcasting there for the first time. isn't that amazing? the disney corporation is going to have to change some of the names of their shows for russia though. 'hannah montana' will have to be 'hannah siberia', 'the lion king' will have to be 'the lion party boss', 'beauty and the borshed', 'alice in vodka-land', 'peter panski', 'swiss family bulshivik', '101 totalitarians', and 'finding nemo guilty of crimes against the state'! boy, i spent all day on that...'

+ espn uk

+ a sean connery holiday memory

- julia ormond

* michael connelly

12-17-08

+ this week the new movie 'the wrestler' comes out and craig ferguson tells us all about it: 'apparently the movie reveals some hard truths, because it turns out that wrestling is fake! i haven't been this shocked since i found out clay aiken is gay. now, a lot of wrestlers have signature moves, like chris jericho as 'the walls of jerecho'. well, i've got my own signature move, i call it the 'ferguson pull-my-finger', they never see it coming!'

'i'm going to take a controversial stance here and say that wrestling is not a sport.' the crowd 'ooh's, 'dont you ooh me! you're not vince mcmahan. in the state of new jersey the courts ruled that its not a legitimate sport. and if the state of new jersey says you're a bit shady, then you're a bit shady!'

+ a sean connery holiday memory

- samuel l. jackson he was in top form and really funny!

= death cab for cutie

daniel mcvicar

every once in a while a door bell sounds. craig ferguson is always shocked and confusedly asks 'do we even have a door?!?' its daniel mcvicar, the star of one of cbs' daytime soap operas. he comes in and he and craig share some barbed pleasantries, then they start to feud, usually involving craig 'girlfriend' ashley. daniel steals her away, causing craig to scream to the heavens 'damn you mcvicar!' the back and forth between the two is always a play on the heightened melodrama of soap operas, and they often pull out the cheesy camera soft focus they always seem to use on those shows. the bitter rivalry between the two is always funny! this is one of the bits craig does that always hits the perfect notes and is always amusing.

12-16-08

+ giving out financial advice, craig ferguson says 'with the economy as it is, the only sue fire way to make money is to divorce madonna. did you hear what he's getting? 76 million dollars in the divorce settlement- that's right, one for the guys! a lot of people are making fun of guy ritchie, i say fair play to him, he earned every penny of that 76 million being married to her, i mean, you break it down and it works out to 50 cents for every time she mentioned the kabbalah. 'i just want to talk about kabbalah, i used to be a girl from detroit, now i'm an english bloke, all right? how ya doin?'.'

+ sean connery shares a holiday memory

> don rickles

- joanna garcia from 'reba'!

12-15-08

+ 'of course the big story over the weekend,' craig ferguson informs us, 'is that president bush had that press conference in iraq which turned onto shoe-pocolypse now! the journalist threw his shoe- can i just say, when a journalist throws his shoes at the president, thats one of those days where if you are a late night talk show host you just go 'ahh!, thats tonights show taken care of!'.'

+ dan mcvicar comes by, he and craig have a soap opera moment together...

- carmen electra

* dennis lehane

nature's platform

a new sketch that featured craig ferguson and another guy (seriously, this guy is not funny at all- he needs to leave the show!) doing a bit about being hippies. there was a lot of 'yah, man', and 'totally dude' going on. these two guys have their own public access show about nature, and were trying to sell their product, all natural diapers. not very funny, but craig always seems to crack up during any sketch, so its automatically funnier!

12-12-08

+ today the movie 'the day the earth stood still' comes out, and craig ferguson shares 'i love the old sci-fi movies cause the aliens were always a metaphor of what we were really afraid of, so in the 1950's everyone was afraid of communists, so that's why the aliens were always from planet bolshevik or something. they tried to make us share our stuff, drink vodka, and stuff. were not afraid of communists anymore, they've all gone away, so now they updated the aliens in the new movie, what happens is these aliens are broke and demand a five hundred billion dollar bailout from the government...'

+ 'nature's platform' skit

- carrie fisher craig says 'your crazy!' oops... cause she really is.

- julie benz

12-11-08

+ the golden globe nominations were announced, and craig ferguson has a pretty strong opinion about them: 'ah, the golden globes, the most corrupt award show in hollywood, in a town that is no stranger to corruption... here's how it works: the nominations are selected by the hollywood foreign press association. now, when you hear 'foreign press', you think prestigious journalists, lamond, or der speigel, but they are not these guys. they are from the amsterdam penny saver, or the zurich yoddler, the belgrade auto trader... and theres only 90 of these 'journalists'. every year they vote for which ever studio gives them the coolest gifts! they are for sale, every year the studios spend millions of dollars trying to bribe the foreign press into giving them a nomination. they should be using the money for something productive, like buying a seat in the senate...'

+ murder she wrote 2008

- brooke shields she and craig presented at the emmy awards together.

> dom irrera

12-10-08

+ tonight craig ferguson shares his thoughts on the blagojavich scandal: 'i'm upset about this scandal because it's sullying the otherwise spotless reputation of chicago politicians!

remember the movie 'the untouchables'? it was set in chicago when sean connery played a good cop in a city of corrupt cops, and he tells kevin costner in the movie, he tells him 'welcome to chicago, this town stinks like a whore house at low tide'. you say 'thats a great line', then you go 'wait, what the hell does that mean?!?' sean connery must go to some very unusual whore houses...'

+ his (fake) agent murrey stops by

- alfred molina

= tokyo police club

best of 2008

at the end of each year, entertainment weekly has always has a 'best of' issue where they list the best of everything from tv, to movies, to books. this year our very own craig ferguson made the list of '10 best shows of 2008'! he was listed as number 8 (along with his lead-in, david letterman). the article goes on to praise him:

...Meanwhile, his follow-up act, Ferguson, knew precisely how to fine-tune sincerity and daffiness, no more effectively than when this new Amer­ican citizen eloquently implored us all to vote.

email christmas

another new jingle was added to the collection of clips that preceded craig ferguson's reading of the email. this time it is a seasonal jingle for christmas time. this time the guy who plays 'john tesh' in the 'access extratainment tonight' sketches is dressed up like an elf and sings a little diddy about christmas emails.

cbs promo

craig ferguson has often made fun of all the new show promos that come out at the beginning of each new show season. he always laughs at how the stars of the show start off with their back to us, and then slowly turn and smile at the camera. well, it looks like craig is now one of those turners! in advertising for the upcoming episode, cbs ran a promo where craig turns and smiles!

12-09-08

+ today news broke of jay leno's new plan to have a show at 10pm every night on nbc. craig ferguson responds by saying 'with all the late night stuff up in the air now, i wonder what will happen next. if i were to go to another network, not that anyone is interested, cbs would own all my jokes. all two of them: 'i know!', and 'remind you of anybody?'. late night hosts are a very close knit group. people think we hate each other, and its just not true. each year we see each other at the late night picnic; david letterman has us over, he barbeques some meat, jay gives everyone rides on his motorcycle, conan teaches people to use hair gel. carson daly is even there, he parks jays car, but he's there...'

- elizabeth banks

* ken turan

12-08-08

+ last week craig ferguson's mother, janet, passed away. he spends the show sharing stories and memories of his mother, a fitting tribute. he talks of his mother raising the kids, becoming a teacher, and other stories. he becomes quite choked up as he shares 'my mother was always the talkative one, i guess i get that from her. my dad, though, was always quite. when i would call home each week after i got here in america and dad would answer i start sharing and he would say 'ill go get mom and get the news from her. it became his mantra. i dont know where they are now, but i take some comfort in knowing they're together, and he's getting the news.'

+ in 2005 he had his mom on as a guest, and craig shares a couple clips from that show. first, he shows a clip of him talking with his mother, and then a clip of rza, the wu tang clan member, showing his mom around l.a.
- chi mcbride

= seal

+ at the funeral for his mother he was asked to read something. he didnt know what to read, and the pastor gave him something written by victor hugo in his book toilers of the sea. its a beautiful tribute, and it says this:
I am standing upon the foreshore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to meet each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There, she is gone.' Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side, and just as able to bear her load of living weights to its place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her; and just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There, she is gone,' on that distant shore there are other eyes watching for her coming and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, 'Here she comes'.

in loving memory

janet ferguson

8-3-1933 12-1-2008

11-28-08

+ 'oh, i'm not feeling so good,' shares craig ferguson, 'i think its cause i ate too much at my thanksgiving dinner. after i ate so much i stumbled into the living room and collapsed on my lazy boy... poor raul, he never knew what hit him!'

+ almost every night craig reads emails that are sent in to him. tonight he read an email, and the girl who wrote it was actually in the audience! what are the chances?

- kristen chenoweth talked and sang

- dietrich bader

11-27-08

+ today is thanksgiving, and craig ferguson shares his love the the holiday. 'oh, the thanksgiving day parade- i love it! the balloons were filled with hot air, donated by donald trump. my favorite is the shrek balloon, when i see that bloated scottish monster floating high above new york city, it reminds me of when i lived there in the 80's... 'oh, aye donkey'...'

- tony curtis he looked almost unrecognizable, but then he did that squinty smile, and you knew it had to be him!

- megalyn echikunwoke

= oppenhiemer

11-26-08

+ its thanksgiving eve and craig ferguson informs us its the 'bussiest travel day of the year. it's rough, but its not the flight going to thanksgiving, its the flight going back. that gets ya. cause youre crammed into a pressurized cabin, there's two hundred other people there who've all spent the weekend gorging themselves- talk about a tailwind!'

+ dave folley comes on and talks about living like a pilgrim.

+ sean connery reads from his autobiography: 'page five hundred and one: i was born in edinburough scottland. wait a minute- what the hell was on the first five hundred pages?!?'

- adam arkin

= adele

> jen kirkman

11-25-08

+ 'those samali pirates are at it again!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'say what you like about them, but they go to work! and they arent those johnny depp style pirates with their mascara and swashbuckling ha ha fancy sword play, they're tough, these guys. and now, the development is that al qaeda has declared war on the simali pirates! that's awesome!! al qaeda vs. pirates- thats like in batman where its the joker vs. penguin or something@ evil vs. evil, alien vs. predator, its like dick chaney vs. his lawyer- evil vs. evil!'

+ betty white comes on as the president of flight attendants

- neil patrick harris

= julia fordham

11-24-08

+ there was some obama presidency news announced, craig ferguson tells us, 'obama announced his economic team, and president bush is working closely with them. obama says they've got many obstacles to overcome, the biggest one being maybe that president bush has been working closely with them.'

+ dear aquaman

- eamonn walker

= low vs. diamond

11-21-08

+ 'the twilight movie comes out today,' craig ferguson mentions, 'its based on the popular books. i like that reading hasnt gone out of style completely yet. if you are young and into magic, you read harry potter; you're a bit older and you read twilight, you get to my age and the only thing you read is the instructions on the hemorrhoid cream. but you know how to read it! the two greatest words in the english language? apply liberally!'

+ check in with dick chaney

- george hamilton wow, he is a dirty old man, and likes to wear cashmere.

- cobie smulders

in concert

every once in a while craig ferguson goes out and does stand-up shows around the country. in february he will be having a show around here! he will be appearing at the horseshoe casino, which is only about 20 minutes from my house!!! i would really love to go see him, but unfortunately i dont think i will be able to. with all the wedding stuff coming up i'm not going to be able to shell out the money to go see him. very sad, i know. next time hes around here though, i will certainly be able to go- i'll start saving my pennies now!

11-20-08

+ 'obama used to smoke,' craig ferguson informs us, 'but his wife michelle gave him an ultimatum: stop smoking, or i wont support your run for president. right, like she'd start supporting the other guy! - she isn't joe lieberman...'

+ monologue recap, viking recap

+ dear aquaman

- larry the cable guy

= third day

11-19-08

+ 'today i saw a guy in his mid 40's with a blinged out sweatshirt that said 'punks not dead',' craig ferguson shares, 'that sweatshirt cost 200 bucks! i used to listen to a punk band called 'the clash', its singer, joe strummer, wrote the line 'ha, you think its funny turning rebellion into money'. i hate this, i hate old men co opting youth culture trying to seem young, it really bothers me. it happens in L.A. a lot, this deification of youth by the middle aged and its perverse. you cant be young no matter how much botox you get! there is an epic poem written by the lebanese christian philosopher khalil ghibran, its called 'the prophet', and he says in that poem about children 'their souls live in the house of tomorrow which you cannot visit even in your dreams'. hes talking to you, jerk in the lame sweatshirt, so knock it off!'

- james lipton

- sara gilbert

= sarah mclachlan

11-18-08

+'mickey mouse is 80 years old today,' craig ferguson shares, 'he used to be in those short cartoons before movies. i wish they still did those, now they do commercials. you pay to get in the movie, then they do commercials at you! you know why they do that? because corporate america cares nothing about you, it has nothing but contempt for you, that is why our economy is in the crapper. now when i say corporate america, i do not mean cbs or any of the advertisers on cbs- but all the other ones!... ive really enjoyed doing this show, everybody, its been a great four years, thanks a lot... weve got to take a break, someones hanging around with a belt. i think im going to get in trouble for saying corporate america is to blame... but you know what? it is! it is! screw those guys! hey hey!'

+ dear aquaman skit

sitting at his desk now, craig shares a bit about his harsh words earlier: 'earlier i mentioned that corporate america doesnt value its costomers, and i'd like to take that back. i'd like to take it back, but i wont because its true!!! look out for my new show on my website...'

- kevin bacon

- sarah shahi

= bacon brothers band

11-17-08

+ when craig ferguson first comes out there is thunderous applause, and it continues for a while, causing him to respond 'look, if you over do it, it starts to sound a little insincere, also, if you applaud, applaud, applaud, and chear and think im great and i havent done anything, people might think im barack obama!'

+ prince charles' birthday party

- poppy montgomery

* nick hornby