7-24-13

+ 'it was a very tense day here at cbs' criag ferguson admits, 'cbs is locked in a huge battle with time warner cable.  it could cost time warner cable's subscribers to loose cbs.  the fight is about money probably.  i don't know, i'm not up on the details.  i think cbs wants more money from time warner cable, which is fair!...  i don't know.  what cbs is asking for is still less than what time warner pays to carry the disney channel, but remember cbs, there's a reason disney gets all that cash, they send goofy to collect!  'gahyuck, pay up bitches, or i'll cut ya, gahyuck!'  obviously this issue hits close to home for me because if cbs doesnt get the higher fees, cbs will be forced to slash the show's hay budget and secretariat will die!  dont let secretariat die, time warner! i'm not taking sides, but time warner wants the beloved secretariat horse to die!  its in your hands, internet!  anyway, what i'm saying is that disputes like this are more evidence how tv is quickly changing.  a few years ago the tv business model looked one way, now everything is all switched around and looks another way.  oh wait, i'm thinking of bruce jenner.'
- matt smith
- teri polo

7-23-13

+ 'its not a great day for new york today', craig ferguson shared, 'the mayoral candidate anthony wiener, you know, the guy who resigned from congress for showing wiener, today more wiener photographs were released of his wiener! new yorkers were shocked, they were so shocked that elliot spitzer fell off his hooker, they were so shocked that people almost stopped urinating in public, they were so shocked that think on trump's head fainted!  people were so shocked that woody allen had to pull his daughter wife out of school!  the new photos are from the same time period as the old photograph, so it seems to me its kind of like beating a dead horse...  new details have emerged, apparently anthony wiener would show his junk on the internet using the name, and i'm not kidding, carlos danger!  isn't that great?  that's an awesome name!  anthony wiener released a statement today saying 'this kind of behavior is behind me',  then he added 'if you want to see more of what's behind me, i'll text you a photograph!'  the race for mayor goes on, anthony wiener still has a small lead over city council member kristin quinn, who is gay.  its the classic match up: lesbian versus predator!'
- larry king
- anna camp

7-22-13

+ 'its a great day for our friends in the u.k.', criag ferguson shares, 'its really a great day for everyone!  a royal baby!  you know, in a royal baby, the umbilical cord is cut by a unicorn's horn.  what happens is the royal baby comes out and he's covered in blue blood, of course, and the unicorn comes over and bows.  as the unicorn bows, the horn magically cuts the umbilical cord and doves fly out of the royal vagina!  none of that common after birth stuff!  i'm tellin' ya, its like a david copperfield show!  it was very big news, of course, congratulations to the royal family.  moments ago the palace released a photo of his royal adorableness.  the royal family, of course, are delighted about this news.  prince harry popped open some champagne and danced naked around the palace- then he heard about the baby!  prince charles said what any proud new grandpa would say: 'back of line, junior!'  there were very few people actually in the room for the birth: prince william, the father, kate middleton's mother, and neil patrick harris i believe was there.  he does most of the tonys, the emmy's, the royal birth.  and you know what?  he makes it better!  cause normally i dont enjoy these things, but when neil does it, i'm like 'actually this is entertaining!'  so the royal baby is now number one on the list of favorite wrinkly dudes!  number two is still micheal caine, and number three is still madanna...'
- brooke shields
= sara bareilles

7-19-13

+ 'its a great day for san diego, or is it?', craig ferguson asks, '135 thousand people have descended on san diego for comic con.  when i say 'people', im refering to the geeks and the nerds and the trolls.  if you live in southern california and you need to get your computer fixed this weekend, you are screwed!  i think comic con might have jumped the shark.  i'll tell you why: because i'm going!  that's it, its over!  its like the sundance film festival.  the sundance film festival used to be cool, it was about independent film and serious art, now its a place where paris hilton goes.  i am the paris hilton of comic con!  if i'm going, it is no longer relevant!  the reason i'm going is because i will be moderating the doctor who panel on sunday.  i love doctor who, its been on tv in britain since the sixties, i grew up with it.  there will be people at comic con who know a lot more about doctor who than i do.  if i don't know the title of a particular episode or if i mispronounce the name of a planet i will be shamed, i will be ridiculed.  i will be like paula dean at the BET awards!  i have children and a job, i don't have have time to memorize details of a tv show, like the fact that the doctor's home planet is gallifrey, the gridlock system with it the constellation of casta boris.  the galactic quadrants are 10 zero 11 zero zero by zero two from galactic zero center.  and that's correct!  i know that!  i will be fielding questions from the doctor who panel, i'm sure the first question will be 'why are you here, miss minelli?'.'
-jane lynch
= goo goo dolls

7-18-13

+ 'its a great day for television', craig ferguson shares, 'three million people watched the season premier of 'here comes honey boo boo'.  three million people!  the cast was delighted, at least i think that's that they said, i don't understand them...  do the honey boo boo family have a last name? i just call them the boo boos.   their first names are easy to remember, there's june, the mother, sugar bear, the father, and kids are honey boo, chickity, pumpkin, pee pee, and plinko, i think.  oh, and regis.  anyway, if you've never seen honey boo boo, its like duck dynasty but with less ducks, or downton abby but with less shoes, or like keeping up with the kardashians but with less hair.  but when you think about it, honey boo boo's are like the kardashians, honey boo boo is the little princess, thats like kim kardashian, june, the stay at home mother is like kris jenner, and then sugar bear, that's khloe.  their all in there!  i remember when the show first started critics were calling it offensive and outrageous and exploitative, and they also had bad things to say about it!'
- jeffrey tambor
= cristela alonzo

7-17-13

+ 'you know, over in britain they are very tense', craig ferguson admits, 'because still no royal baby!  i cant wait to see that little bundle of joy!  i'm talking about prince harry's genitals.  that's what he says when he poses for those naked pictures, 'do you want to see my royal bundle of joy?'  we are still in royal baby watch here at this show.  the royal family are keeping all the details secret because they don't want their plans spoiled by voldemort!  ha ha!  that's right, everyone in britain is in harry potter!  the maternity wards in britain are a little bit different, instead of surgical masks they wear those curly wigs!  kate middleton is now four days overdue, which means that in just a few more days the royal baby watch will surpass gweyneth paltrow as the most annoying thing in london...'
- anthony hopkins
- jes macallan

7-16-13

+ 'there's a new cable channel coming', craig ferguson informs, 'i don't watch cable, i only watch cbs...  just like you, everybody else in the world!  there is going to be a new cable channel for dogs!  i'm like, that's stupid!  you ever seen a dog watch tv?  their schedule came out today and they've got some great shows: 'barks and recreation', 'game of bones', and 'so you think you can lick your balls?'.'
- jon hamm

7-15-13

+ 'britain is in a heightened state of alert right now', craig ferguson shares, 'right now we are on royal baby watch.  yes, everyone over there is on the look out for the helpless little bald creature who will someday become the most powerful person in england.  but enough about prince charles...!  the child of prince william and kiki wigglesworth is due any time.  prince harry is said to be very excited because he will be an uncle for the first time and he will no longer be the only one running around the royal palace naked!  queen elisabeth is very excited, and who can blame here?  its been 120 years since a british monarch has been alive for the birth of a great grandchild.  a royal birth is a little different, but even in the delivery room formal protocol must be followed.  the doctors will have to refer to william as 'your highness', and kiki wigglesworth, her lady parts will be on view.  and you cant say 'the royal vagina', so you need another name for it.  perhaps 'the regal baby basket', maybe 'her majesty's beefeater', or 'her majesty's secret cervix'!  anyway, the doctors have warned the princess that the birth might be painful because there is a one in four shot that the baby will have prince charles' ears!'
- julie chen
> michael palascak

7-12-13

+ jeff daniels starts the show off with a funny song about a traffic accident.
+ 'this is why i like him: he used to be a big guy himself.  so do i, see, thats why i trust him.  i dont trust skinny people telling me how to lose weight. what did you ever do, gweneth paltrow? i'm just saying!  now that richard simmons is 65 he can retire, but what would he do?  spend time on his sequin farm?  he has one, he grows sequins, and when they mature, he harvests them!  do you remember a few years ago a man said he was slapped by richard simmons in the pheonix airport? and he actually filed charges!  he did!  i'm thinking, what kind of man says he was beat up by richard simmons?!?  a man who wants money, thats who!  saying you got beat up by richard simmons is like saying you got beat up by an olson twin!
- jeff daniels
> sarah tiana

7-11-13

+ 'look, if you know anything about me, you know this is the day i look forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'i know you think 'craig, didn't you say that last night?' i did, but this is also the day i look forward to all year... its the first day of elvis fest in las vegas. today at the las vegas hilton, thousands of elvis impersonators gather to swap stories and swivel their hips!  this is true about elvis, historians say that the cult of elvis has all the makings of a future religion.  really, that's a real thing.  you know, the sightings after his death, people dressing like him.  its possible that in a couple thousand years there will be a church of elvis!  in the far distant future, at the end of a service, the minister will say 'elvis has left the building', and everyone will stand up and say 'thank you, thank you very much!'  you know, when elvis went on the ed sullivan show, cbs refused to show him from the waist down because of his gyrating hips, they thought it would make the audience go crazy.  cbs doesn't like to show me from the waist down either, in case something goes off!'
- maria bello
- scott adsit

7-10-13

+ 'its a great day for our friends in the bahamas', craig ferguson states, 'if you know anything about me, you know this is the day i wait for all year, july 10, bohemian independence day!  it was on this day in 1973, the bahamas declared independence, before that they were a british colony.  it used to be said 'the sun never sets on the british empire'.  the empire was so big, the sun never set on one of its territories, that's how huge the empire was.  that changed quickly, they lost canada, australia, jamaica, the bahamas to name just a few.  england has been dumped more times than taylor swift, but did they go writing whiny songs about it? no they did not!  last week, of course, was our independence day.  i think england had a habit of loosing places in july.  every year about this time, all around britain they are like 'good heavens, its july again!  keep a close eye on scotland!'.'
- cedric the entertainer
- jess weixler

7-09-13

+ 'you know who's birthday it is today?' craig ferguson asks, 'donkey kong!  the video game where the giant ape throws barrels down at mario!  you know donkey kong is getting older because instead of throwing barrels, he just throws his balls down there!  donkey kong is a great arcade game except one detail: it is very very hard!  donkey kong is harder than my nipples in an ice bath, harder than figuring out what nbc is doing in late night, harder than understanding what keith richards is saying!  the character if mario in the game is a manic fast talking italian with facial hair.  in other words, an italian!  when the movie first came out some groups protested, they said that the mario character perpetuated negative stereotypes about italians.  they said, and i quote, 'whatsa come and a go here?  we donta talka like that!  where'sa my pizza pie?'  you know, a few years ago there was a documentary about the game called 'the king of kong'.  it was a lot of fun to watch those guys using their joysticks on a quest for glory, but don't confuse it with the other movie 'the king of dong', which is also about guys using their joysticks on a quest for glory...'
- morgan freeman
> cathy ladman

7-08-13

+ 'it was, of course, a huge weekend at the box office!' craig ferguson states, 'the lone ranger made a ton of money.  people went to go see it because it stars johnny depp.  he wears lots of make-up and speaks in a weird accent.  i don't know what he does in the movie, but...  johnny plays tonto, the lone ranger's sidekick.  nothing makes more sense than a lone ranger having a sidekick.  'i'm the lone ranger, and here's my friend'.  that's stupid, if he's the lone ranger, he'd just walk out and go 'hey, its only me'.  i'll bet johnny depp doesn't even take the make-up off anymore, he just keeps it on until the next movie starts.  make-up or not, johnny depp definitely has a way with the ladies.  years ago, of course, he dated winona ryder.  remember that?  he even had her name tattooed on his arm, but he had to change it after winona stole his heart, and his watch, and earrings, and his prescription medication...  in the pirates of the caribbean movies, depp famously based his pirate character on keith richards, but in the lone ranger he's playing a mystical shaman who can talk to the spirit world, possibly with the help of peyote.  so, also based on keith richards...'
- heather locklear
> louie anderson

6-28-13

+ 'do you know what happened in britain this week?' craig ferguson asks, 'you know, britain.  you know, dr. who, harry potter, moptop musicians?  you know, britain!  anyway, in britain this week there was a massive hit on tv, it was a documentary.  now, a documentary is like a reality show except its classy.  its about something.  a show about something?  its an old fashioned idea...  four million people in britain, which is the entire population of britain.  i know its not, i look forward to your emails, arriving by owl...  anyway, four million people in britain watched a documentary about a man who has 140 pound testicles!  the tv executives are stunned by the high ratings.  the president of the bbc said 'its just nuts!'  see what i did there? ha ha!'
= tenacious d
- moon bloodgood

6-27-13

+ 'it is a great day, of course, for supporters of gay marriage',  craig ferguson states, 'congratulations to same sex couples, you can now be as miserable as everyone else...  i've always thought that if you really dont want gay people go get married, you shouldn't ban gay marriage, you should ban gay divorce. 'yeah yeah, you can get married, you just cant get divorced',  'what?'  'oh, you'll see...'.  its been a bit of a week for the supreme court.  yesterday they ruled that its ok for gay people to get married, today they ruled that its ok for straight people to rollerblade!'
- channing tatum
> marc maron

6-26-13

+ 'its a great day if you like the rock and roll', craig ferguson exclaims, 'do you like the rock and roll?  because glastonbury, the worlds largest rock festival, starts today in england.  its like coachella with teeth, bad teeth.  this year at glastonbury, the headliners are the rolling stones.  organizers are expecting 150 thousand people.  most of them will be mick jager's children!  tonight also was the season premier of big brother here on cbs!  i watched it live, of course, and wasn't it amazing?  i didn't actually see it, i haven't seen it ever.  its a great show though, isn't it?  you know, the term 'big brother' comes from george orwell's book 1984, where everyone is watched over by a network of cameras.  its called 'big brother'.  i've never understood that, why orwell chose the term 'big brother'.  cause if you are being watched all the time by someone, shouldn't that be 'creepy uncle'?  in the book 1984 people got in trouble just for their thoughts.  i hope we never develop mind reading technology here because i would have to apologize to some of my guests for whats going on up here, because some of them are very sexy!  sorry jeff goldblum...'
- sandra bullock
> jim mcdonald

6-25-13

+ john hodgman stops by with his french horn to plug his new comedy special 'ragnarok' on netflix.
+ 'you know who its not a great day for?' craig ferguson asks, 'edward snowden, you know, the guy who leaked all the information about our government's spy program.  we're not sure where he is, and its not easy to find a nerdy looking white guy with glasses, i learned that from 'where's waldo'!  some people say he's a hero, others say he's a traitor.  people cant seem to agree on it, the only think we can agree on is that north west is a horrible name for a baby.  i always think that, you know, when celebrities give their babies cute names like north or grapefruit, and stuff like that, they are going to change it to frank or sid or something like that.  anyway, snowden, he's got a girlfriend who's a stripper.  president obama said that they will stop at nothing to track snowden down.  president clinton said the same thing about snowden's girlfriend!'
- breckin meyer
- wendie malick

6-21-13

+ 'you know what i'm excited about today?' craig ferguson asks, 'world war z, the big zombie movie, its out today.  i'm very excited about it!  the trailer looks very scary, you see hordes of zombies climbing over each other- its like black friday at the mall!  brad pitt plays a man fighting against a terrifying gang of mindless creatures that keep coming at him day and night no matter what.  he trained for the role by having six children!  but children don't eat brains.  but the probably would it you just gave it to them.  zombies eat brains, but if you gave a child brains to eat and you didn't tell them, they would probably be ok with it, actually.  i've got to admit, last week i got a little freaked out about the possibility of the zombie apocalypse, i even wrote an email to president obama about it.  well, the email was to geoff, but i assume president obama read it...'
- maggie gyllenhaal
> matt goldich

6-20-13

+ 'here's some news that's very frightening and scandalous news', craig ferguson warns, 'well, i guess not frightening, its not like 'boo!'  it is scandalous though, the fashion designers dolce and gabbana have been found guilty of tax evasion.  they probably wont do any jail time, which is a relief, because stripes are very out this year...  the judge ordered them to pay a huge fine, it could be as high as 13 million dollars.  of course, that's chump change for dolce and gabbana, these guys giving away 13 million dollars.  that would be like jay leno giving away one car, that would be like lance armstrong giving up one syringe, that would be like me giving up one testicle!  i've got dozens of them, i keep them backstage.  i don't know a lot about dolce and gabbana, they are just two dudes who formed a successful partnership like ben & jerry, like barnum & bailey, or khloe & lamar.  apparently dolce and gabbana were an 'item' for 23 years, the broke up in 2005 but they still work together.  that must be tough, working with an ex.  i do it every time drew carey is on this show.  he lost all that weight to make me jealous... it worked!  anyway, i'm glad dolce and gabbana aren't going to prison, if they did i wonder if they would be cell mates?  then they would have to fight over who would get the top bunk and who would get the bottom!  well, they probably figured that out long ago...'
> lewis black
> matt morales

6-19-13

+ 'its a great day for president obama', craig ferguson informs, 'in berlin germany today, he gave a speech at the brandenburg gate, the former site of the berlin wall.  it was hot in berlin today, it was 98 degrees- that's hot enough to fry your schnitzel.  it was very hot, i haven't seen obama sweat like that since... yesterday, and the day before that, all this week- its been a pretty rough month for him, huh?  over the years, many u.s. presidents have given famous speeches at the brandenburg gate, in 1987 president reagan told gorbachev to 'tear down this wall'.  in 1996, bill clinton tried the old j.f.k. trick of speaking german, he said 'hmmm...'  which translates to 'where is the strip club?'  the brandenburg gate separates east and west berlin, during the cold war west berlin was an exclave, it was a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who wanted to crush it.  it was like austin, texas.  anyway, president obama is trying to get vladimir putin to scale back russia's nuclear arsenal, but its not a good time.  putin just got a divorce!  he's not in the mood, he just lost half of his stuff!  he's like 'vife gets to use kremlin on veekents'.  besides, russia is not the most dangerous nuclear power anymore, its north korea.  this year he has nuclear weapons, last year he was dancing to 'gangnam style'!  i don't know which one is worse!'
- rosie perez
= the rubens

6-18-13

+ 'earlier tonight it was the big season finale of the voice', craig ferguson states, 'did you watch it?  it was awesome, wasn't it?  it was so exciting!  i am so glad that guy or girl won!  it was fantastic!  congratulations, winner!  that's right, whoever you are, you are a winner!  i'm sure this year's winner will turn out as big as last year's winner, the great cassidy pope.  that's who won last year, cassidy pope!  i've got to be fair, i've never heard cassidy pope's music, maybe its good.  i love the name though, cassidy pope.  it sounds like it should be a tv show about a cowboy who rides into the vatican and becomes the pope and he solves crimes!'
- angie harmon
# ben mezrich

6-17-13

+ 'its a great day if you want to live forever, and who doesnt?' craig ferguson asks, 'over the weekend in new york city they hosted the global future 2045 conference.  now, its a meeting of scientists who say that if technology continues the way its going, its possible that by the year 2045 we could all be immortal!  now i hear you asking 'craig, how does this immortality work?' well, it involves putting your brain into a robot.  why do we need a conference to live forever?  why don't we just ask larry king?  to achieve immortality by 2045 we have a lot of work to do.  first, we have to figure out how to copy our brains into a computer, then you have to create robots to put them in, which sounds like a terminator movie!  immortality technology sounds like a contemporary search for the fountain of youth.  ponce de leon, the french spanish explorer, searched for the fountain of youth in the 16th century, but he died in 1521, so i'm guessing no.'
- carson kressley
- rachelle lefevre