6-14-13

+ 'big movie opened today i'm very excited about', criag ferguson shares, 'people in hollywood are saying it could make 100 million dollars this weekend.  now, to give you an idea of how much money that is, take the amount of money that the new will smith movie has made and add 100 million dollars!  now, in the new man of steel movie, superman is played by henry cavill.  he's a terrific actor, but he's british.  when i first heard that a buff british dude was playing the man of steel, i though 'good for you, madonna!'  i'm not sure why all our iconic american figures are being played by foreigners.  you've got superman from britain, batman from britan, a spider-man from britain, a president from kenya...'
- emily mortimer
> barry rothbart

6-13-13

+ 'its a great day for fans of rock and roll', craig ferguson exclaims, 'the bonaroo festival starts today in tennessee. a great lineup this year: paul mccartney and tom petty.  another big act this year at bonaroo is mumford and sons.  i like mumford and sons. well, i like mumford, his sons are jerks!  the only problem with mumford and sons is that the guy playing the banjo has all his teeth- that is not authentic!  some people say that mumford and sons carry on the proud celtic folk tradition, and other people say they are just coldplay with banjo's.  i say both, and i love it!  we love that kind of music where i'm from, the leprechaun rock, we love it!'
- seth rogan
- elisabeth moss

craig wins an award!

looks like craig ferguson is being recognized for his humor!  recently craig said that he went up to canada to accept a comedy award.  'i'd like to thank my agent and my friend geoffrey peterson, and all the little people', craig ferguson began at the top of a recent episode of the late late show, 'yesterday something very rare happened in my life: i won an award!  it is actually a very prestigious award, from the bamff world media festival in canada, its a very big deal, its the sir peter ustinov award for comedy.  its actually a very prestigious award, however, our canadian friends are not given to such flashy showmanship the way we like to do things here.  so, when i went all the way to canada yesterday to get the award, they gave it to me, and here it is!'  craig says, then shows off the rather small award.  'i'm very greatful for it, its a lovely award.  the good thing about it is that its canadian, so its cleaver, they are like 'so we are giving you an award, but it doesnt mean you're great, eh.  its lovely, so its really going to look out of place here!'

6-12-13

+ 'its a great day today for mick jager', craig ferguson states, 'but when isn't it though?  the rolling stones are in the biggest tour in the world, even though mick is 69 years old, he's still doing great!  what mick jager said in an interview, he said he keeps in shape by, and this answer may surprise you: he does ballet!  ballet is a great way to keep in shape.  he said he's been doing ballet for years, its got to be tough at his age, he's 69 years old!  his testicles must be dragging around on the floor!  dragging around his testicles like a ship's anchor!  a ship's anchor, but with less barnacles!  by the way, you know les barnacles?  he works in international marketing...  anyway, whatever mick jager is doing its working, he says he has a 28 inch waist, he's the only man who's waist is smaller than his mouth!  it shouldn't be any surprise that mick jager is in to ballet, next think you know we will find out that bono loves to riverdance!
- valerie bertinelli
- adam ray

6-11-13

+ 'its the first week of summer vacation', craig ferguson states, 'kids in america spend 180 days in school, kids in japan spend 243 days.  that is a difference of... some days!  i don't know, i dropped out of school, that's why i'm on cbs in the middle of the night- let this be a warning to you!  now that school's out, a lot of teenagers will be looking for jobs like the lifeguards.  not here in l.a., it different, public pools do not have lifeguards, we have life coaches.  if they see you struggling in the water, they ask 'are you happy with the decisions you are making?'  then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.  i hate this town.  i hated summer jobs when i was a teenager, they were so mundane and repetitious that they deadened my soul.  on the bright side, they were good training for this job!  i'm working dark, eh?  i spend my summers as a dickensian street urchin cleaning chimneys.  you know, when i was a teenager i worked at a carnival- i was a carnie.  i never really fit into the lifestyle, something about my hands not having hooks...  'look at you with all your fingers!  and both your eyes facing the same way!'.'
- margaret cho
- hugh dancy

6-10-13

+ 'i'm in a kerfuffle, i'm cockahoop and i'll tell you why', craig ferguson shares, 'cause today is the first day of e3, its the huge video game expo here in l.a.!  the gaming experts are saying its the biggest gathering of virgins since they elected the pope.  that would be a great video game: choose a pope!  gather up the smoke, puff it out your chimney, and new pope!  i love e3, e3 of course stands for electronic entertainment erection or something...  i actually went to e3 last year, i saw someone dressed up as the big furry ape creature.  i went up to them and was like 'hey, can i get a picture, donkey kong?'  and it said 'i'm khloe kardashian!'  every year at e3 they show the upgrades to your favorite games, the birds get angrier, the calls get dutyer, mario gets more super.  oh, sorry, i'm thinking about yesterday's gay pride parade...  anyway, the new video games have got the new facial recognition technology so your gaming console can identify you without logging in.  so when i walk up to it it says 'hello mrs. minelli, what would you like to play?'  you remember 'legend of zelda'?  that was a great game, that was a fantasy game with sword play, magic, and midgets.  today in e3 they unveiled the new legend of zelda, its called wind maker, and in wind maker, zelda must face the most dangerous wind maker of all: larry king!  you know what i think would be a great game? late night talk show host.  you play by dancing for quarters in the middle of the night.  the most insincere douche wins the prize: a face off against the ruthless villain: doctor leno!  doctor leno has never been beaten!'
- jonah hill
# tony kanaan

6-07-13

+ 'it is friday and here in l.a. it is gay pride weekend, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i spend all day waxing my chest, ironing my speedo- and then i remembered it was gay pride weekend!  the big gay pride parade is on sunday, but so is the season finale for game of thrones.  hmm.  games of thrones and the gay pride parade are very different, one of them is a lot of men in elaborate costumes riding bareback and sword fighting, and the other is game of thrones!
some very sad news today as well, according to khloe kardashian, bruce jenner and chris jenner are now living apart.  i dont care either.  they have refused to get a divorce though, because so far it is not in the script...'
- ethan hawke
- jamie chung

6-06-13

+ 'there's a huge scandal in washington', craig ferguson shares, 'its been a very rough couple of weeks for obama.  this comes on the heels of the irs scandal, and before that it was ben gazi.  even the crack head mayor of toronto was like 'rough week, ehe?'  next we'll find out that obama was behind last week's game of thrones wedding!  phone hacking, the reality is that both republicans and democrats in congress have both come out in defense of collecting this data.  as every good american knows, when republicans and democrats agree on something in congress, it is time to be very very worried indeed!  they are evil.  'but craig, they are democratically..'  yes, i know what they are, but they are evil.  congress actually gave the white house authority to spy on the phones under president bush.  but experts say that the cell phone snooping go as far back as president clinton.  it wasn't as organized back then, it was just clinton dialing up women going 'what are you wearing?'.'
- betty white
- sarah paulson

6-05-13

+ 'hey, did you see the country music awards earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'i haven't seen it yet because we're live, don't tell me, but i'm really hoping that the guy with the cowboy hat and the big belt buckle wins!  he's my favorite!  when he sings that song about things going wrong, it gets me every time!  he's like 'things were goin' right, then they went wrong.  things were all messed up inside, but i'm gonna just keep movin'.'  i think i just won a country music award!  anyway, the country music awards, they gave a life time achievement award to whiskey this year as well, for contributions to country music.  whiskey, tequila, and pot- the big three!  well, for willie nelson anyway.  the country music awards, no one goes home empty handed, the winners get trophies and the losers have something to write about for their next song!  a lot of big stars at the cmt's, rumor was that taylor swift was going to make an appearance in something shocking- like a stable relationship!  take that, innocent girl i've never met!'
# sanjay gupta
= gretchen wilson

6-04-13

+ 'there's a new book out today', craig ferguson states, 'i know what your thinking, 'craig, what's a book?'  well, imagine its a blog printed out all over on bits of paper.  imagine loads of text messages all smooshed together!  the new book out today called 'joy land' is by an up and coming author named stephen king.  now, stephen king is getting a lot of flack because he refuses to release the book digitally.  he doesn't want you reading it on a tablet or phone.  its only coming out on pages made of paper.  take that trees, you leafy wooden bastards!  i think that if stephen king doesn't want to put out an electronic version of the book he shouldn't have to.  he's a great american writer, he has earned the right to do whatever the hell he wants.  but when he started out, critics did not like his books.  over time though, things changed.  just like this show, minus the part about things changing...  king's new book joyland takes place in a creepy old amusement park.  its about a carnie.  carnies are terrifying, except carnie wilson, who is adorable.  with or without the stomach staples she is just lovely!'
- bill maher
-> cat cora

6-03-13

+ 'its a very historic day for law enforcement', craig ferguson informs, 'the supreme court has ruled that police now have the right to take DNA samples.  oh dear!  this decision has split the court.  judge scolia said that it establishes a terrifying precedent, obama's administration has said that its the right thing to do, and anthony wiener said 'who wants to see my penis?'.  now when you get arrested you have to get your finger printed and your cheek swabbed.  even if you are reese witherspoon!  we already have a database of everyone's fingerprints, and the plan is to have a database of everyone's dna.  and that way we can find out how many children arnold schwarzanegger really has!  the dna testing has changed many things, it made the game of clue go much faster.  'we've tested everyone's dna, professor plum, you did it.  everyone else, you may go home'.  dna evidence will be used even more in courtrooms now.  do you remember the oj simpson trial?  the dna evidence was very new back then, so the jury felt more comfortable relying on evidence they could trust, like rhymes.  'if the glove don't fit, you must acquit!'  it rhymes!  so that proves it!  every time there is new technology in law enforcement people get a bit uneasy.  i'm sure people were probably against finger printing when it started in the late 1800's.  i'll have to ask larry king since he was around at the time.'
= steven tyler
- olga kurylenko

5-31-13

+ 'a new movie is out today that i'm very excited about', craig ferguson states, 'it doesn't have any superheroes or space ships or vin diesels or any of that, which means no one will go see it.  its called 'now you see me' and its about everyone's favorite subject: magic!  'now you see me' is a phrase often used by magicians, like 'hocus pocus', or 'abra kadabra', or 'where's everybody going?'  its not that difficult to be a magician, all you need is a cape, a top hat, and a willingness to sell your soul to satan in exchange for mystical powers.  and by 'mystical powers' i mean an endless stream of colorful handkerchiefs!  magic has changed over the years, i used to like the old school magicians.  i don't like modern day magicians, they don't even do magic!  david blaine, 'i'm going to hold my breath for 17 days'.  that's not magic, that's a remedy for hiccups!'
- kathy griffin
- scott adsit
= bad rabbits

5-30-13

+ 'its the big sporting event of the year for me', craig ferguson shares, 'tonight was the finals of the scripts national spelling bee.  i live for it, i l-i-v-e for it!  the finals were broadcast on espn.  wouldn't you think something like this would be on the learning channel?  then again, you wouldn't think the learning channel would show something like honey boo boo either!  now with spell check, some people think that spelling is of little use, its because on of those skills that have become obsolete.  like repairing steam engines, or like hosting a network talk show.. its become an obsolete thing.  anyway, people forget that spell check can only tell you if you spelled correctly, not if you are using the correct word.  i found that out the hard way when i asked friends to meet me at the pubic library.  geoff was the only one that showed up!  i didn't even invite him, he was already there, leafing through the periodicals...  anyway, the winner of the spelling bee wins thirty thousand dollars cash!  i cant imagine what i would have spent that kind of money on when i was fourteen.  yes i can- cocaine!'
- jeff garlin
- anne heche

5-29-13

+ 'if you know anything about me, you know i wait for this day all year', craig ferguson states, 'today is the 60th anniversary of the first men to climb mount everest.  that's the big holliday for me!  sir edmond hillary and tensing norgay, they climbed the world's tallest mountain, 29,000 feet.  that's very high, very high indeed!  how high is it?  as high as a kardashian's waxing bill, its as high as the mayor of toronto, its as high as the pope's hat closet, its as high as willie nelson at a snoop dogg concert, its as high as kim jung un standing on dennis rodman.  now, edmond hillary was a kiwi, a kiwi is from new zeeland.  they are kind of like australians, except they have a fuzzy outer skin.  and no pouch like the australians.  tensing norgay was hillary's guide up mount everest, he was an ethnic sherpa, a native of napal.  he had lived mount everest but he had never climbed it.  then along came edmond hillary and he was like 'do you want to touch my fuzzy outer skin?'  anyway, the top of mount everest, its called 'the death zone'.  if you stay there your body doesn't get enough oxigen and you can quickly spiral into a black depression that feels like dying but you are still conscious.  there's a similar place in california, its called los angeles!'
- howie mandel
- brit marling

5-28-13

+ 'here's the news from memorial weekend', craig ferguson shares, 'the fast and furious movie, it make a gasprillian dollars!  i'm going to go see this movie, and i'm not even a car guy.  i don't know the difference between double clutching and granny shifting.  i thought granny shifting was what cbs did during sweeps!  and the star of this movie is, of course, vin diesel.  which i think is the perfect name for an action star: vin diesel. i couldn't come up with a better one if i tried!  but i will anyway:  flin buckshot, grant meatfist, gnarl thrustgullet, j.t. asskicker, blaze cracklethrob.  in the new movie vin diesel and his crew come out of retirement for one last job, which, if i'm not mistaken, they did in the last two movies, and probably the next two movies as well, which you know there will be more.  it also stars dwayne 'the rock' johnson.  between dwayne 'the rock' johnson and vin diesel, the dialogue is sensational!  its like shakespeare... when he goes to the bathroom.  the producers said today they are only going to start filming fast and furious 7 when the script is just right... ha ha ha! come one!  they filled it already, they filmed it on an iphone over the weekend!  the thing is though, in the next one, who is going to be the bad guy?  its a tough roll to fill.  its got to be someone who is available, who is passionate about cars, and who audiences will accept as a ruthless villain who is capable of anything.  jay leno!  that's who its going to be: jay leno!  no offense to vin diesel and the rock, but their bald asses wouldn't stand a chance against leno's gray hair!'
- ellen page
* george stroumboulopoulos