5-27-13

+ 'it is, of course, memorial day', craig ferguson exclaims, 'when we honor the men and women who defended this country, and to them i say thank you.  every year as americans we celebrate memorial day the best way we know how: by having sales at mattress stores and car dealerships. that's how we say thanks!  today is when the car dealerships bring out the heavy artillery: the big blowy guys out front!  a lot of americans get the three day weekend, not this american.  i've been a citizen for five years, how long before i get a day off, huh?  the only way i can get a day off is if i some how pretaped a show...  but i just wouldnt do that.  you know who gets a day off today?  jay leno.  he gets a day off.  he's about to get a bunch of days off, actually.  i probably shouldnt joke about that cause he might end up hosting this show!'
- ben kingsley
- alia shawkat

5-22-13

+ 'tonight's show is a little different', craig ferguson warns, 'i mean, some things will be the same, i'm going to go back and then come out in a minute and people will cheer, then i'm going to go 'great day for america', then the audience is going to pretend i haven't been here, you will be like 'why does he always come out then even though he's already been on...?'  all that will be the same, but my only guest tonight will be my friend stephen fry.  now, i warn you, stephen is an out spoken man, he has views that you may find difficult, and you may find they make you angry or upset.  let this be the point when i say to you 'maybe this is a good night to get an early night'.  if you don't mind engaging in a bit of mental gymnastics with stephen, then please stay. i'd love you to stay because he is a fascinating, brilliant, intelligent man.  as the evening goes on we will talk about stuff that is challenging to talk about and think about.  it wont all be cheeky monkeys, but there will be some of that.  all i'm saying is this: this is a late night show, and sometimes i take advantage of that.  i do hope you will too.'
- stephen fry

5-21-13

+ 'its a great day to be in sweden', craig ferguson shares, 'but then again, when isn't it a great day to be in sweden?  sweden is full of gorgeous blondes with long flowing hair and casual attitudes toward sex.  the women are hot too!  i read today in stockholm, which is a town in sweden- the capitol, they have opened the worlds first museum devoted exclusively to abba!  now, if you dont like abba go and join al quida!  actually, even al quida love abba!  this museum in sweden claims to have the worlds biggest collection of abba memorabilia.  they clearly haven't seen my bedroom!   i love abba, when i was younger hearing an abba song made me instantly happy, it would wake me right up.  all i wanted to do was stay up and play more abba.  no, wait, hold on, i'm thinking of cocaine...'.'
- zach galifianakis
- andrea riseborough

5-20-13

+ 'we are almost done with may sweeps', craig ferguson states, 'sweeps, that's the time when networks pull out all the stops to get the ratings up.  sweeps, if you don't know, is very important to the likes of us who work in television.  its the time when you have to amp up your game, which i think is not right.  you know, a lot of shows amp up their game and i think what about the people who watch every night?  what, they don't matter the rest of the time?  so tonight i have decided to provide the same level of crap that i always provide.  it wont be any better, in fact as we continue with the show at this point it will probably be on the down side...  this year a lot of shows are pulling some crazy stunts: on glee one of the actors is going to come out as straight, on the voice shakira's hips are going to lie, on keeping up with the kardashians they are going to circumcise khloe!  they do this for the ratings, the ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that wont be answered until the next time the show is on.  you know, like 'who shot j.r.?'  i like to think that every night when people watch this show the question is 'is this still on?  why is this still on?!?'  i don't look at the nielsen ratings.  i don't think you want to win the ratings in late night anyway.  look at what happened at nbc.  look what happened!  who's been number one on nbc for 20 years?  what happened? fired! fired! twice!'
- heather graham
* david benioff

5-17-13

+ 'i've just been checking all my bits and i'll tell you why', craig ferguson informs, 'i am now 51. today.  here's the thing, though, i am now north of fifty.  this is it, this is the home stretch now.  i'm officially in the AARP, i want teenagers off my lawn, every time i go to the doctor they are putting more and more things up my ass.  when i went to the doctor when i was thirty it was like 'how do you feel?' 'awesome', 'well, out you go!'  now its like 'well, we will be putting this one in, and we got another one over here, we've got the camera, you've met the teamsters, they are coming...'  my ass is catnip for doctors!  anyway, 51.  now what?  more of this?  that's not cheering me up!  i don't feel any different, i can see that i look different, i mean i look in the mirror and i'm like 'what the hell?'  what has changed since 50?  well, my testicles are even lower.  now i have to be careful when i put on my shoes.  one wrong move and i'm limping all day...  one of the great advantages of getting older is that you really really start to not give a rat's ass.  i mean, really!  am i right, old people?  as a kid i was like 'i don't care what you think, man!' but i did, i really cared what you thought.  but now i really don't care what you think!  people are like 'craig!  you cant do that!'  who says, you jerk?!?  its awesome!  51 is the new punk rock!'
- william shatner
- natalie dormer

5-16-13

+ 'its a great day for america because we have a new american idol!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'hurrah... congratulations, you...  you had me when you sang that song about love and stuff.  then the fans of the other person were like 'boo!' and randy jackson was like 'dog' and stuff.  i don't watch that crap.  they are in trouble in the ratings these days, they are down 40 percent since last year.  this is true, this season american idol was beaten by duck dynasty in the ratings!  duck dynasty, you know, they show with two dudes sitting there in a tree going 'that a duck?' 'nope, that aint a duck, that's a quail'.  that's the show that beat american idol!  if you don't know duck dynasty, its like honey boo boo, but replace the girl with a duck...'
- paul reiser
- yunjin kim

5-15-13

+ 'ill tell you why i'm excited', craig ferguson states, 'the cannes film festival started today.  i'm very excited, its a great day if you love cinema.  its a great day for those who love cinema, which is everyone, and for those people who love the french- the french!  anyone who is anyone in show business is in france right now.  i know what you are thinking, 'but craig, you are here in los angeles'.  exactly!  i am lower on the show business ladder than justin bieber's monkey!  the cannes film festival, we took the show to france a couple of years ago.  today in fance, the cannes film festival, the whole concept is ridiculous- these hollywood people spend thousands of dollars to fly to france, then spend a week sitting inside a movie theater!  they never see france!  we have movie theaters in l.a.!  its like going to a strip club for the buffet- its stupid!  its like going to a dodgers game to see a winning team!  wait, to be fair, you will see a winning team at a dodgers game, it just wont be the dodgers...'
- ice-t
> paula poundstone

5-14-13

+ 'i know what your thinking', craig says as he reads a newspaper, 'your thinking 'what the hell is that, craig?'  its a newspaper, its what stupid people used to read before twitter...  i look forward to your outrage.  anyway, so in the usa today, its a great paper and there's people in it and stuff, you know how they've always got the chart?  i'm looking at the chart today, it says 'most popular hot dog condiments'.  i'm thinking 'oh, this is going to be controversial!'  it says at 22 percent, the most popular hot dog condiment is cheese.  i'm like 'cheese isn't a condiment!'  then i thought that maybe in the context of a hot dog it is a condiment.  you know, if its melty and you pour it on your sausage.  and also, the second most popular is chili.  also, i would argue, is not a condiment!  but in the context of a hot dog you put it on your sausage.  18 percent.  third most popular, 13 percent, is onions.  onions also- not a condiment!  and finally, bringing up the rear, as it were, the least two popular condiments are mustard and ketchup.  mustard 12 percent, ketchup 8 percent.  first of all, only two condiments listed here, mustard and ketchup, and then i'm thinking i like mustard and ketchup.  all the other things are fine, but if push comes to shove, like, if the devil appeared and said 'you may only have one condiment for the rest of your life, which would it be?'  i'd be like 'ketchup' of course!  here's what i realized:  this show is for the 8 percent.  this is the ketchup of late night television.  were are the least popular condiment, but at least we are one...'
- ray liotta
> deanne smith
= pistol annies

5-13-13

+ 'its a great day today if you like robots', craig ferguson states, 'here's the thing, a new study has come out that says by the year 2030, household robots will dominate every phase of our lives.  so far, we've only got a robot that can lift its arm, right geoff?  but the technology is moving faster.  i'm all for robots doing work for us, but to be honest, do we humans need to be any lazier?  really?  have you been to vegas recently?  there's like a sea of rascal scooters the minute you get in there!  the study also says that robot driven cars are less than five years away!  robot driven cars!  i've got mixed feelings about it, its sounds cool, but its tricky for late night douche bags like me.  it would mean the end of the celebrity DUI!  what are we going to talk about?  and some of these cars will be voice activated, the engine turns on whenever they hear reese witherspoon say 'do you know who i am?!?'  you know what i like in movies, though, is that robots always go nuts when they're given the emotion chips so they can feel real feelings.  now, i hope they never do that sort of thing with household robots.  i don't ever want a vacuum cleaner capable of feeling shame...'
- john cho
- sara rue

5-10-13

+ 'there's a big movie out today that i'm excited about', craig ferguson states, 'the great gatsby.  leonardo di caprio is a billionaire who can have any woman he wants and never seems to be happy.  i dont know what he plays in the movie, but leonardo is...  the great gatsby is based on f. scott fitzgerald's novel.  i was surprised when i saw that it was in 3D though, i think what they want to do is they want to use fitzgerald's sardonic critique of materialism to come right at you!  doing it in 3D, they should have jazzed up the title as well, they should have called it 'too fast, too gatsby' or something.  this is the fifth time someone's made a film version of gatsby.  five film versions of great gatsby, and not a single version of snookie's book!  good job, hollywood!'
- tom lennon
- cat deeley

5-09-13

+ 'the big news this week is from belgium', craig ferguson states, 'how often do you hear that?  'big news from belgium!'  what?  belgium, of course, is the home of jean claude van damm and papa smurf.  i like him, he's like an old man leprechaun.  and papa smurf is nice too...  in belgium they finally captured the jewel thieves who got away with 50 million bucks worth of diamonds in february.  here's what happened: the diamonds were on a plane in brussels airport when a van cut in front of them and then a bunch of guys busted out of the van and stole the diamonds!  anyway, the police in belgium described it as a spectacular robbery.  but the jewel heist was brazen, when i first heard about it i thought there's only one man who could pull this off: jason statham!  you know what i want to know is, why were there 50 million dollars worth of diamonds being shipped out of belgium all at once?  they should have divided the shipment into tiny portions, just like i do with my meth!  just like that!  i've said too much...  yesterday the belgium police arrested 31 people involved in the heist   that's a lot of people.  50 million dollars sounds like a lot, but when you split it 31 ways, it hardly seems worth the effort and the risk.  they say that some of the jewel thieves may still be at large.  one of the jewel thieves who was captured yesterday is also a lawyer, which is a shame, because now lawyers will get a bad reputation!'
- bob saget
- sarah hyland

5-08-13

+ 'do you know whats going on that i'm actually keeping an eye on?' craig ferguson asks, 'i'm worried about it, that volcano in alaska, its been erupting for like five days.  we are in volcano watch 2013.  its like a documentary here!  the alaska volcano is millions of years old and last weekend it started giving off massive blasts of gas.  you could probably do your own larry king joke anytime you want here...  if you want to see a volcano without going to alaska, you can always go to the mirage in las vegas.  that's awesome, they have an artificial volcano out front.  people like to go to vegas and see that hot red mess.  kind of like carrot top! anyway, i'm talking about the volcano in alaska.  i've never been to alaska, but i would love to go.  it is a huge state.  its so white and vast and frozen that early settlers gave it the nickname 'nicole kidman's forehead'.  alaska is one of our least visited states.  i blame their slogan, 'alaska: you'll freeze your balls off'.  they've got some weird laws in alaska, this is true, it is against the law in alaska to wake a sleeping bear.  who's going to break that law?  'awe, what the hell, i've had a couple drinks, i'm going to wake a sleeping bear!'  in west hollywood, if you wake a sleeping bear he'll buy you lunch!'
-lauren graham
= ben dukes

5-07-13

+ 'remember how i told you over the weekend', craig ferguson's story begins, 'that one of the toilets, i have more than one toilet in my house- oh, swanky! but one of them blew up and covered the house in poop.  it wasn't me!  i didn't run around doing it!  it was a complete accident.  anyway, i thought who's weekend could be worse than that?  then i found out about the rolling stones.  did you hear about this?  over the weekend the rolling stones played here in l.a. at the staple center but they had to cut their ticket prices in half to fill the seats.  and i'm thinking that people in l.a. were thinking 'well, if we wanted to see old guys shuffling around past their prime we would just go see the lakers!' boom!'
- ryan seacrest
- andrea osvart

5-06-13

+ 'sorry, i've lost my mind a little bit', craig ferguson admits to, 'its raining in l.a., and when its raining l.a. everybody looses their minds!!!  its a big deal in l.a., i know everywhere else in the country everybody knows how to deal with the weather, but here we cant.  it was very wet here in l.a., no one was walking anywhere, the traffic wasnt moving- and then it started to rain!  how wet was it today?  it was so wet that nbc replaced leno with aquaman!  it was so wet that arnold schwarzanegger actually used rubbers!  it was so wet reese witherspoon got a d.u.i. on a jet ski!  it was so wet aquaman was replaced by jay leno!'
- isla fisher
- jim rash

5-03-13

+ 'i'll tell you why i'm really excited: iron man 3 opens today!'  craig ferguson exclaims, 'this time iron man goes up against his most dangerous enemy yet: rust!  'iron man, watch out for the sprinklers!'  i don't care who iron man fights, i'm just glad he's back.  my favorite is the theme song: 'iron man, iron man, does what ever iron can'.  alright, that's spider-man.  i always get iron and spiders mixed up.  that's why i rub a tarantula over my pants before i put them on!  its in my pants right now- best feeling ever!  keep dancing, my hairy friend!  you too, little spider!  anyway, the trailer looks fantastic.  i liked the first two iron man movies, i like that he doesn't keep his identity a secret.  everyone knows he's tony stark, he's just free to be himself, he wont pretend to be someone else.  he wont let the uniform hide who he truly is, he's like the nba's jason collins!  good for you, jason, good for you!  iron man, of course, played by robert downey jr. who is fantastic.  he is saying though, that this might be the last time he will be playing iron man.  that's hollywood code for 'hey movie studio, pony up!'.'
- angela kinsey
> simon amstell

5-02-13

+ 'there's a new study out', craig ferguson states, 'it explains whats wrong with young people.  researchers have proven what i have suspected for years: young people are greedy bastards.  it says young people are more materialistic than ever.  its in the l.a. times, which is a newspaper.  a newspaper is like a blog except everything in it is from yesterday.  apparently today's youth is more materialistic, they are less interested in hard work than old people.  i don't know, i know people who are old, i'm 51- i'm old!  i'm thinking, yeah, they are young people, they aren't supposed to be interested in hard work.  young people were put on earth to eat snacks and nap.  and by that i mean puff puff!'
- pierce brosnan
> tone bell

5-01-13

+ 'its a day on broadway this week', craig ferguson shares, 'the nominations for the tony awards came out yesterday.  only 40 more days till the broadcast, so i'm going to start getting in shape.  i'm not going, i just like to watch it at home with my shirt off.  there's a musical called 'kinky boots' that got all the nominations.  its about a little shoe store that starts making sexy dominatrix boots.  its the best play about fetish wear since 'annie get your gimp mask', 'my fair nipple clamps', 'jersey toys', 'joseph and the amazing technicolor assless chaps'!  the music from kinky boots is written by cindi lauper.  there's a video on youtube about here, a few years ago she was at a concert, she was singing at the concert, and a bird pooped in her mouth!  that's true!  here's why she is an american hero: she kept on singing!  she cannot be stopped by bird poop!'
- michael ian black
- lena headey

4-30-13

+ 'good evening everyone', craig ferguson begins, 'i know what you are thinking, 'craig, why are you sitting there at your desk?  don't you usually stand up at the start of your show so we can appreciate your long lovely legs?'  here's the problem, if you cant tell already, the lighting is apparently out on half of the studio.  there's a leak.  i don't understand, there's been a drought in l.a. for the past two months!  the leak is from the air conditioning unit that's leaking water, the lights are dangerous so no one can sit there.  there's not enough light for me to stand there, there's barely enough light for me to be here.  the horse is in twilight over there!  and the robot, that runs on electricity, is over by where the leak is!  what i'm saying is, this show is usually a mess, but tonight is going to be an unholy mess!  its going to be bad, very very bad- worse than usual.  and i, for one, am delighted!  the audience though, does not think that so much...  we don't have any room for the 25 people, there's no lesbian row- we are lesbian free!  this is going to be a rough one...'
- larry the cable guy
- abigail spencer

4-29-13

+ 'its a great day for the nba star jason collins', craig ferguson informs, 'he is the first athlete in a major u.s. sport to officially announce he's gay.  good for you jason!  he's a free agent now, but i'll bet that next season he will start for the utah jazz hands!  his last team was the washinton wizards.  he's not the first openly gay wizard, that trail was blazed by dumpledore.  remember dumpledore? j.k. rawling was the one who wrote him, she said dumpledore was gay and people were like 'ahhh!'  he's fictional!  so far the reaction from fans and teammates has been nothing but positive.  but why shouldnt it be positive?  jason collins has nothing to be ashamed of, its not like he plays for the lakers!  i think the positive reaction to jason's announcement is a great sign, it shows us that nba fans want to embrace diversity and they really want to focus on what unites them: hating the miami heat!  i have to say, i have no idea what i just said...'
- mary mccormack
- jim o'heir