2-22-13

+ 'its not a great day for me, i went to the doctor today', craig feguson admits, 'turns out i've got oscar fever! the oscars on on sunday, but so is the daytona 500.  so its going to be a great day for gay nascar fans!  los angeles loves the oscars, people here go nuts.  they spend all weekend putting on their make up, squeezing in  to their dresses, pressing their boobies together- and the women are worse!  and they've closed down hollywood blvd this weekend, and if youve never been up there- dont, its sad and dangerous.  the oscars is a perfect representation of hollywood though, cause hollywood releases hundreds of movies a year and about three of them are good, and the oscars are eight hundred minutes long and about three of them are entertaining.  but this year i have high hopes because the host is seth macfarlane.  i like seth, i think he's talented and clever, and i think he will do a great job.  he's a real song and dance man, there are only three song and dance men left in hollywood: seth, billy crystal, and madonna.'
- william shatner
- alona tal

2-21-13

+ 'its a great day if you want to dress like a mailman', criag ferguson shares, 'and who doesnt?  the us postal service is launching a fashion line.  i'm not lying, they are actually doing this!  the clothes themselves will be made by a company in cleveland.  see, its a classic formula: post office plus cleveland equals high fashion!  i've never dressed up like a postal worker, the closest was one time for halloween i covered my penis with stamps and called myself junk mail...'
- kunal nayyar
- molly shannon

2-20-13

+ 'led zeppelin might be getting back together', craig ferguson announces, 'its true, robert plant told australia's version of sixty minutes that he would be willing to reform led zeppelin   when i heard this i was like 'wha?  australia has a version of sixty minutes?!?'  according to the interview, robert plant says that he's got nothing to do next year, so if the other band members are available  i can think of one who isn't... but if the rest are available   so we could see a led zeppelin reunion tour.  they did a reunion show last year in london.  the surviving members are getting a bit old.  i'm a big fan of led zeppelin, they were huge when i was younger.  i don't want to date myself... actually i do want to date myself- i'm lovely!  anyway, one of my favorite albums of all time is led zeppelin 4.  that is an awesome album!  that is your seminal rock album right there- its right up there with 'color me barbara' by barbara striesand.  i had to buy that album so many times, first i bought it on vinyl, then on cassette, then cd, then download.  here's the rule though: vinyl is always better, doesn't matter if you are talking about albums or underpants!'
- lisa kudrow
= bonnie raitt

2-19-13

+ 'it is a great day for a bunch of thieves in belgium'. craig ferguson explains, 'they pulled off a brazen jewel heist.  at the brussels airport they got away with more than fifty million in pure, uncut, diamonds.  the diamond heist is the biggest robbery ever pulled off at an airport, if you don't count them charging twenty five bucks to check your bag in!  am i right?  the police in belgium are still investigating who is behind the theft.  i'm thinking its probably jason statham.  think about it, its exactly the kind of thing he does in his movies!  if it was one of statham's movies he would get a rag tag crew of renegades for one last job.  see, this is what i think, putting together a group of immoral thieves is surprisingly easy.  these days there is a public place where they all congregate- its called washington dc!'
- jon cryer
- melissa benoist

2-18-13

+ 'happy presidents day, everyone', craig ferguson congratulates, 'today we celebrate an american tradition of immigrants working on your day off.  most stores are open today.  i have no problem with a little commerce on presidents day, what better way to celebrate our presidents than to offer a sale on tires.  'four score and seven years ago our forefathers got two for one on steel radial tires'.  presidents day is in february because thats when lincoln and washington were born.  not the same year, obviously.  lincoln and washingtons bithdays used to be separate holidays but they were combined to make everything easier.  kind of like how woody allen combined valentines day and take your daughter to work day...  lincoln and washington were both great presidents.  now, you can tell how important a president was based on the monument they have in washington.  lincoln, very important, he has the monument that shows him sitting in a chair looking very important, and then washinton has an even better one: its like a giant middle finger pointed at england!'

- jacki weaver
- jim gaffigan

= nicola benedetti

2-15-13

+ 'its a very special friday', craig ferguson shares, 'because today is a good day to die hard!  the new die hard movie opens today.  die hard, that is a term that comes from the medical profession, its when an old man dies from an overdose on boner pills!  anyway, the new movie's slogan is 'yippie ki-yay mother russia'.  thats because its set in russia, and bruce willis' character's catchphrase is 'yippie ki-yay something i cant say on cbs'.  i think they came up with the tagline before they came up with the script for the movie.  studio executives are sitting around going 'yippie ki-yey mother... i dont know?'  the next die hard movie will be whatever was second:  yippie ki-yay mother hubbard!  'in a world where the cupboard is bare...'  anyway, in the new die hard movie, bruce willis joins forces with his son.  thats the plot.  yeah, i'm getting a little 'scrappy-do' vibe from this one...'
- jane lynch
- mario lopez

2-14-13

+ 'it is valentines day', craig ferguson cheers, 'so to all you love birds: happy valentines day!  i'd give you valentines day tips, but if you are watching this show, then your valentines day went horribly!  never mind, i'll love you!  i wanted to commemorate valentines day by coming out here with a little heart pin on my jacket tonight but cbs wouldnt allow it.  they said 'you cant go out there with a heart on!'  come on, why cant i?  what could be more appropriate for valentines day than if i came out here with a heart on?  the biggest gifts on valentines day are, of course, flowers and chocolate.  because what says true love better than murdering a plant and trying to make someone fat?  for me, the best valentine gifts dont cost anything because they come straight from the heart.  thats why i have composed a valentines day poem for you, my audience.  here you go, you ready?  roses are red, love is but a fable, i'm very sorry you cant afford cable!'
- george lopez
- sutton foster

2-13-13

+ 'everyone, of course, is still talking about the president's state of the union address', craig ferguson admits, 'everyone except me!  because while the president was speaking in washington, the westminster dog show was wrapping up in new york.  thats the real story!  the dog show and the state of the union address is very different, of course, one is a lot of yapping and prancing and sniffing of asses, and the other one? is the dog show.  anyway, if you are a dog winning at the westminster dog show, its like an actor winning an oscar, or like a tennis player winning at wimbleton, or an nba player winning a kardashian!  the westminster dog show is tough, these doggies have to parade in front of the judges and behave themselves.  its not the doggie way, its not the doggie style.  westminster is no more than a beauty contest, really.  the judges dont care if the dogs have talent, the dogs just need to have a shiny coat and nice testicles.  cbs used the same criterea when they selected a host for this show!'
- russell brand
- allison williams

2-12-13

+ 'today, of course, is marti gras', criag ferguson exclaims, 'now, for me, marti gras is when i lose control, do things ill regret tomorrow, and trade my dignity for a few small trinkets.  then, when i'm done doing this show, i celebrate marti gras!  the most common way that people go nuts during marti gras is to expose their breasts in exchange for beads.  i've never understood that.  what is it about marti gras that makes otherwise modest normal ladies expose themselves for shiny plastic bobbles.  then i remembered what it is:  binge drinking!  marti gras is only the fourth biggest drinking holiday of the year.  the top three are st. patricks day, new years, and tuesdays at mel gibson's house!  years ago marti gras started as a catholic celebration before lent. so now we know why pope benedict quit- he wanted one last party!'
- ted danson
- teresa palmer

2-11-13

+ 'the big news today, of course, is from the vatican', craig ferguson shares, 'the pope is resigning!  everyone is surprised, the people of italy were running threw the streets shouting, waiving their hands, saying 'whats a come and a go?' then they heard the pope is resigning!  its true, pope benedict the sixteenth is stepping down, he's hanging up his giant hat.  he will be replaced, of course, when one pope goes, another one popes up right away.  cbs announced its suggestion: the pope should be replaced by ashton kutcher.  you know, the last time a pope stepped down was six hundred years ago.  pope gregory stepped down in 1415.  things were a bit different back then, the popemobile had a hole in the floor and it ran on foot power.  pope benedict is stepping down because he's 85 years old and he wants to... um... i dont know, spend time with his grandkids?  no no, he's the pope he doesnt have grandkids!'
- julie andrews
- grace park

2-08-13

+ 'its a great day for star wars fans', craig ferguson informs, 'disney  announced today that they are making new movies featuring younger versions of the beloved star wars characters.  it starts with han solo.  now, we dont know who will be playing the teenage han solo, but they have already found the perfect young chewbacca: khloe kardashian!'
- alfred molina
- ophira eisenberg

2-07-13

+ 'now, here's good news if you are into the late night douche business', craig ferugson says, 'and i am!  there's a new report that came out today by economists.  oh boy!  they listed the worlds most expensive cities, it turns out the most expensive city in the world is tokyo, japan.  when the news broke there was a big parade... in san francisco.  tokyo didnt much care, but san francisco was like 'parade!'  but they did unveil their new tourism slogan: tokyo will leave you brokyo!  now, i've never been to tokyo, but this show is actually going out in japan.  we are very popular in japan.  i think the show looses something in translation though, you know what they call this show in japan?  'super happy fun time hour with robot and old man'.  i'd love to go to tokyo.  its not just expensive, its one of the worlds most crowded cities. so its a city full of people with thick wallets and they are all stuck together.  it makes me pine for my days as a dickensian pickpocket!  the second most expensive city in the world is also in japan.  the third and fourth is sydney and melbourne in australia.  some of the cities on the today's most expensive list didnt surprise me at all, for instance paris was number 8.  the people in france were very annoyed today, then they heard about the list.'
- amanda peet
= paul williams

2-06-13

+ 'its a great day for fans of monopoly', craig feguson shares, 'the game that introduced generations of kids to the concept of mortgage debt.  today the makers of monopoly have added a new game piece: the cat!  now, as we all know, in the game monopoly, players move their pieces around the board buying up property and the winner is decided when everyone goes 'i'm bored with this!'.  or really its the banker who wins because usually the banker is cheating- just like in real life!  anyway, they are hoping, with the addition of the cat, to reboot the game for 21st century kids.  not entirely sure the cat is going to do it, monopoly!  kids are like 'i dont want to play call of duty, so long world of warcraft, fuck you angry birds- monopoly is the best!'  the new cat piece was selected after weeks of online voting.  i'm like 'is that a surprise?  is anyone surprised?'  whenever there is a vote for something on the internet its always a cat that wins.  look, if the presidential election were online, the winner would be that cat that loves cheeseburgers!  'can i haz the presidency?'.'
- emmy rossum
* jon ronson

2-05-13

+ 'its a great day for america's upstairs neighbors', craig ferguson shares, 'i'm talking about the famously polite and docile creatures we call 'canadians'.  these beautiful people got rid of their penny today.  there's no more one cent coins in canada.  so if you are in canada and you say to someone 'a penny for your thoughts?' thats now illegal and you will be thrown in prison!  thats not true, but prison in canada?  how bad can that be?  but now without pennies, they will have to round everything up to the closest nickel.  so things will cost more to buy those famous products canada is famous for like... maple syrup, and bacon!  some canadians are absolutely outraged by this, and by that i mean a couple guys in edmonton went 'eh'.  anyway, no more canadian pennies means an increased demand for the canadian nickel, which has got a beaver on it!  canadians also have a one dollar coin, they call it a 'loonie'.  here in america 'loony' is what we call mel gibson.'
- david boreanaz
- alison becker

2-04-13

+ 'i must apologize to you, excuse me if i seem a little tired', craig ferguson pleads, 'we just got back from new orleans, we were there over the weekend.  i've got a pretty bad gumbo hangover, i was up all night picking purple and yellow confetti out of my pants.  but there's a down side to it too...  what a super bowl, huh?  forth and goal with everything on the line? just more proof that america rocks!  in your face other countries!  this year's super bowl was the third most watched television event in history.  the second is the kardashian sex tape, and the first was a youtube video of a dog punching a guy in the nuts...  to me, the play of the game came right after half time.  jackoby jones running that from the kick off 108.8 yards for a touchdown!  a man hasnt run that fast since i heard there was a sale at nine west!
- zooey deschanel
- adhir kalyan

super bowl special

 since the super bowl is on cbs this year, that means that there was a special sunday night episode of craig ferguson's show after the game!  craig spend the week in new orleans filming different bits and having a blast in the big easy.  the show starts off with a very funny scene with lucy lu stopping by to say hi to craig at the super dome.  craig is holding a phone charger and lucy asks if he would mind if she quick charged her phone for a minute.  he plugs it in- which in turn causes the blackout that happened during the game!  very clever and quick thinking on their part to take advantage of a funny situation!
+ on stage, criag is welcomed by the 49ers cheerleading squad.  'thanks ladies, their team lost and they still came to perform!' craig says as he launches in to his monologue, 'its a great day if you are a ravens fan- your team just won the super bowl!  the lombardi trophy is going back to baltimore, but dont worry 9ers fans, in california a super bowl loss counts as a prescription for medical marijuana!  its very refreshing down here, its a fantastic city!  theres so much they have here that we dont have in l.a.: they have history, clean air, and carbohydrates...  its fantastic to be here in jackson square.  named after andrew jackson who defeated the british at the battle of new orleans.  had the british won, things would be very different.  instead you would be watching a late night host who has an accent... hmm, i'm going down a bad path with this...'
+ after a few tweets, craig welcomes drew brees.  the two of them toss the football around a bit.
+ craig and steve carell stop by pascal's manale restaurant and bar to try some oysters, which goes horribly, as you might expect!  -by far the funniest segment of the night!
+ craig and nikki reed grab a bite to eat and then wander through a new orleans graveyard, and then craig stops by saints and sinners bar to chat with the place's owner: channing tatum!
+ craig and julie chen stop by little people's place for a bit to eat.
michael caine in space on bourbon street
neil patrick harris stops by the stage to chat with craig and laugh at his poor football catching when drew brees was on earlier!

2-01-13

+ 'you know what day it is?' craig ferguson asks, 'its groundhog day!  well, almost groundhog day, depending on your region.  groundhogs are not as cool as other animals, thats why they only get a week. sharks get a whole week, but groundhogs are like, one day!  the groundhog day tradition dates back to the 1800s.  you know what else dates back to the 1800s?  cholera.  what i'm saying is maybe its time to move on!  on groundhog day punxsutawney phil gets pulled out of the ground to see his shadow.  if he sees his shadow we get six more weeks of winter.  today is the only day that punxsutawney phil has to work, the rest of the year he just hangs out on donald trump's head.  punxsutawney phil's predictions are only right 39 percent of the time.  i mean, 39 percent?  thats rubbish!  with that kind of accuracy you couldnt even get a job a the psychic friends network!  39 percent accuracy?  thats why i call groundhogs furry wikipedia.'
# joe theismann
- ariel tweto

1-31-13

+ 'today is an important day for me and for anyone who works in television', craig ferguson states, 'well, ok, its an important day for anyone who works in television.  today is the anniversary of the first daytime soap opera... or was it?!?  no, it was.  the first daytime soap was called 'these are my children' and it was premiered in 1949 on nbc.  it was 64 years ago, these are my children was a soap opera about an irish widow.  this is important, this day, because if you know one thing about me you know that i cant live without my soap operas.  there arent that many left, they are going away!  they are going away like newspapers and compact discs and lance armstrong fans.  the soap operas that are left, lets see, you've got the young and the restless, the bold and the beautiful, the damp and the damper, the wang and the chungier,  the master and the bater.  soap operas today are being replaced by reality shows, soap operas are filled with evil twins and anmesia, but people prefer the 'reality' of honey boo boo and the real housewives.'
+ michael caine in space
- rashida jones
- julie gonzalo

1-30-13

+ 'its a great day if you are nostalgic for the cold war', craig ferguson says, 'and who isnt?  well, the soviets maybe.  back in the 1980's the ties were skinny, the nukes were fat, and the boobies were real.  so it wasnt all good... there is a brand new show premiering tonight on fx, its called 'the americans'.  its about russian spies embedded in DC during the cold war.  the russian agents who look like us and talk like us, but all their relationships are based on a big lie.  these days that only happens to college football players.  apparently the appeal of seeing shows like this is seeing the 80's spy tools like the rubik's cube that turns into a grenade, a walkman that turns into a pac-man, a car phone the size of an actual car.  they even have those tinny little gadgets you see in mission impossible, those little gizmos that can do everything but they still fit in the palm of your hand.  what are they called?  thats right, tom cruise.  in the americans kerri russell plays an intelligence service agent, what they call a 'sleeper agent'.  i've always wanted to be a sleeper agent- my skill: naps in five languages!
- dominic monaghan
- ellie kemper

1-29-13

+ 'it is perhaps the greatest day ever!' craig ferguson suggests, 'because it is day two of geoff peterson and the bone patrol band!  but more than that, it is a great day for two american icons: the ruler of hawaii, tom selleck, and the ruler of the rest of the world: oprah winfrey!  happy birthday!  now, tom selleck and oprah winfrey are very different of course, one is a rough and tumble sex pot who enjoys a bushy mustache, and the othe one is tom selleck!  oh come on, steadman has a mustache!  i always think its got to be tough for steadman, at christmas he buys her a nice robe, and she buys him france.  'great, another country.  thanks, oprah'.  what do you buy oprah winfrey for her birthday?  she's got everything.  what do you buy a woman who has everything apart from a successful television network...?  its a joke, i love oprah.  i really respect oprah, she's from a tough background.  her story is an amazing american story.  she started dirt poor in the south and she went on to help millions.  she was her generation's honey boo boo!'
- simon helberg
> maria bamford

craig on the talk

with the super bowl coming up, cbs is having a special sunday episode of 'the late late show with craig ferguson'!  that means that craig and the gang are heading to new orleans for the big game.  craig took a little bit of time out of his busy schedule to stop by 'the talk', the afternoon talk show on cbs.  he gathered with the ladies and talked about strange new orleans food, strange relatives, and his feeling about american football from a foreigner's perspective.  he had a great time with the ladies, even if there were freaky frog legs around...

1-28-13

+ 'its a great day for the u.s. postal service', craig ferguson states, 'no, it is, trust me.  the price of a stamp goes up one cent today to 46 cents.  and now i am at an age where that caught my attention!  to make sure everyone received the information properly, the postal service announced it over the mail.  i mean, email is what i meant to say...  sorry, i'm just so excited about 46 cents!  this cent by cent thing is kind of annoying, why not raise the price of it to fifty cents and be done with the thing.  its how cbs gives me raises and it makes me feel small.  now, for most of us of course, the one cent increase in the price of a stamp is not a big deal, unless you are a hardcore stamp collector- a philatelist.  thats what it is!  that sounds sexy, doesnt it?  a philatelist.  'what are you doing in there?'  'philateling...'  'oh, philateling, whats that?'  'its the nerdiest thing you can do with your tongue!'  some people think that email has ruined the art of letter writing, but i disagree.  email has made us write even more, but email has ruined the art of licking.'
- kathy griffin
- michael weatherly

1-18-13

+ 'if you know anything about me, you know i keep in touch with zoo keepers in spain', craig ferguson shares, 'the reason i say this is because zoo keepers in spain have announced that they have a chimp.  i'm like 'big deal', a lot of zoos have chimpanzees, but their chimp spends all day watching pornography!  ah ha- i've got your attention!  of course, porn for a chimpanzee is just watching people throw poop.  so its german pornography...  the big news this week, of course, is about the college football player with the pretend girlfriend.  i'm like, i dont know what the big deal is here.  when you have a pretend football player here in hollywood, they let you star in mission impossible!'
- carrie fisher
- steven yeun

1-17-13

+ 'its a great day if you love the independent cinema', craig ferguson shares, 'today is the first day of the 20th annual sundance film festival.  this year the sundance jury picks between 87 different films.  i'd like to be on that jury someday, i'd take it very seriously, i'd wear a robe and have a gavel   i'd bang the gavel and be like 'i find your film guilty of being self indulgent and boring the crap out of me!  i here by sentence you to a weekend at bernie's and anything by pauly shore'.  i dont know if i could be a judge, you watch five movies a day- that sounds exhausting!  maybe thats just a sign of how out of shape i am, but it sounds exhausting!  a lot of these indy movies are too long as well, i just read that one of these films clocks in at over three hours.  its called jodie foster's acceptance speech!  day four!  i think we can spin this joke out for the whole week!  this year at sundance, joseph gordon levitt has a movie about a guy who is addicted to porn, and amanda seyfried has a movie about the porn star linda lovelace, and there are a bunch of other movies- they arent about porn so i dont know anything about them.  winning at sundance can be the springboard to years of artistic fulfillment making interesting and challenging feature films.  on the other hand, i once had a film that won at sundance, so...'
- julia stiles
- jerry ferrara
> tom cotter