9-05-13

+ 'its a big day in st. petersburg, russia', craig ferguson shares, 'the G20 summit is going on and i'm stuck here!  but the G20 is where the heads of government get together and talk about the global economy, the european recession, miley cyrus on the vma's...  'what was she doing with her tongue?'  the big time world leaders are at the G20, vladimir putin is there representing russia, and of course barack obama is there representing nigeria...  anyway, reports are saying that putin wasn't in a good mood today.  i'm not surprised, putin just lost half his stuff in a divorce!  anyway, obama and putin are having dinner tonight to patch things up.  a little advice for obama- stay away from the sushi...  all eyes are on obama because of syria, he wants to use military strikes.  even his allies don't agree with him: britain wants to use economic embargoes, france wants to use sarcasm.'
- vin diesel
- sara gilbert

9-04-13

+ 'its a great day for the wonderful artist known as beyonce', craig ferguson shares, 'beyonce's birthday today- happy birthday, your ladyship.  she's 32 today, also its l.a.'s birthday today.  the city of los angeles was founded on this day 232 years ago.  now, los angeles and beyonce are very different of course, one's great to spend a couple nights in if you get the chance, and the other... um, lets just forget that, shall we?  now, i've made fun of los angeles many times on this show, i've called it a dump, ive called it ugly, i've said its a terrible place to live... but its l.a.'s birthday today!  it was founded in 1781 by the spanish.  now you may want to sit down for this.  people in l.a. used to speak spanish. used to, eh?'
- elijah wood
- brie larson

9-03-13

+ 'it is a great day for dianna naya', craig ferguson informs, 'she's the 64 year old woman who was the first person to swim from cuba to florida without a cage.  apparently people have done it before with a cage.  i don't know how its done, i would think it would be harder with a cage, wouldn't it?  you have to hold up the cage and swim the whole time?  that would be damn near impossible!  swimming without a cage, great, but what about swimming with a cage?  anyway, she did it and it was very inspiring, but i'm concerned about the practice of putting old people in cages!  its an amazing thing, a 64 year old woman swimming from cuba to florida though, it took endurance and perseverance and some pretty fucking lazy sharks, i'd say!  i mean, come on sharks, really?'
- jay leno
> cameron esposito

9-02-13

+ 'its labor day!', craig ferguson exclaims, 'what could be more american than making an immigrant work on labor day?  its too bad because i like to go to the beach on labor day.  and here in los angeles the beaches are packed with thongs and cleavage, and the women dress sexy too!  me? i've got some new green pants!  i'm very excited about them, i'm wearing them under these pants!  how do they feel? snug.  you should get a pair of green pants, everybody is doing it- minty green pants!  everybody, but me first.  that's how you know a trend is on the way, when a middle aged white guy does it...'
- angela kinsey
* david feherty

season 10

'hey everybody, hi', craig says as he walks out wearing a loose button down shirt, minty green pants, and sunglasses, 'welcome to the new show!  things are going to be a bit different from now on.  'in what way do you mean, craig?'  well, first of all, the audience isn't even here yet- we started without them!  losers!  the leaves are turning in secretariat's barn, the fall is coming.  and geoff, whats the big news there?  he can now move both arms!  i've got a feeling that this season, the start of our 10th season, will be the grooviest of all!'

8-09-13

+ 'the movie opening today i'm very excited about', craig ferguson shares, 'its called elysium, its a science fiction movie with matt damon.  i'm sure that its good because matt damon usually does great movies!  he was in that liberace movie on hbo.  i haven't finished watching it.  i've seen in 47 times, but i have not finished watching it...  anyway, the title is taken from 'elysium fields' of course, its what the ancient greeks called the afterlife.  elysium was said to be filled with heroic men in togas.  the epic poet homer wrote about the elysium fields in his epic 'the odyssey'.  there have been many references to elysium in contemporary culture.  in doctor who, for example, davros, the inventor of the deleks, died at the gates of elysium.  this was during the first year of the time war when his command ship was destroyed by the nightmare child, but everyone knows that!
* keith olbermann
> esther povitsky

8-08-13

+ 'its a big anniversary today', craig ferguson shares, 'fifty years ago today was the great train robbery.  robbers got away with 53 million dollars in cash from a postal train in britain.  the robbers became folk heroes over there.  the reason this is of interest to me is because my father worked at the post office in glasgow at that time and was supposed to be sorting mail on that train the very night it was robbed, but he had 'the flu' and he called in 'sick'.  coincidence?  i'm not sure, all i know is that right after the great train robbery we ate well around my house!  yes, that's the night we got a brand new potato!  it really happened though, the train was going from glasgow to london.  the scottish bank lost millions!  the scottish people were spewing venom, accusing the english of betraying them, then the robbery happened and it got worse!  now, pulling off a robbery like that was very complicated, more than 30 criminals were involved, and they split up according to their skills.  you know, there's the safe cracker, the muscle, the look out, the guy who distracts guards with his cleavage...  then there was the guy who insisted that he was retired but he couldn't resist the money and adrenaline of one last job, and he was known as jay leno!  three of the great train robbers have never been caught.  i love a good heist movie.  you know whats a good one?  oceans eleven.  that's where they robbed the casino.  then there was oceans twelve, where they robbed the people who went to go see the movie!'
- james marsden
- meghan markle

8-07-13

+ 'it is a great day to quit smoking', craig ferguson insists, 'any day is a good day to quit, blah blah, cbs cares.  a new study says that ex smokers make more money than smokers.  i actually used to smoke, i used to be a smoker, i really enjoyed it.  nothing relaxed me more than a winston in my mouth... then i had a cigarette.  i understand why people smoke, i understand why you do it, because it feels awesome.  addictive poisons are funny like that.  i smoked for years.  a lot of ex smokers say 'i'd never take up smoking again', but i'm not one of them.  i would start smoking again in a heartbeat.  the only thing stopping me is the painful early death.  if we ever find out there is a meteor headed to earth i'll be the first one down at the store buying a carton of cigarettes, a six pack of lube, and a crate of turnips...  well, you know i guess!  the big trend these days is the e-cigarette, you know, they are supposed to be as nicotiney as regular cigarettes, but then again, so is strapping your nipples to a car battery.  saying you are safer than cigarettes is like saying you are taller than tom cruise.  its like saying your movie made more money than the lone ranger.  its like saying you fathered less children than arnold schwarzenegger.  its like saying you are a better husband than o.j. simpson!'
- jeff goldblum talks and plays some jazz

8-06-13

+ 'its a great day for our friends in jamaica', criag ferguson, 'if you know anything about me, you know this is the day i look forward to all year: jamaican independence day!  happy independence day, jamaica!  today in jamaica everyone spend the day smokin' and drinkin', having a great time, then they remembered its independence day!  jamaica, of course, is associated with raggae music.  i have mixed feelings about regee, its pleasant enough, but it all kind of sounds the same, like coldplay.  coldplay could make a great reggae album if they traded in gwenyth paltrow for weed.  you know, come on, i make a fair point.  people think that everyone in jamaica smokes weed, and that's not true.  some people eat it!  if you are unfamiliar with the island of jamaica, its an island nation in the caribbean.  jamaica isn't far away from florida, so if you go to jamaca on a quite night, you can hear old people in boca raton laughing at cbs sitcoms!'
- diane kruger
- tony hale

8-05-13

+ 'i can tell by the look on your faces, completely random selection of the public', craig ferguson states, 'and you at home, i can see you- oh yes i can!  i know you are thinking 'craig, i wish you would tell us the latest news from hollywood!'  alright, i will.  the big news in hollywood is the movie i saw five times over the weekend: smurfs 2!  what a great movie!  its rare that a sequel surpassed the original, like the second godfather movie is better the first, star wars, the second is better, or the oj simpson trial...  i liked the ending better on the second one!  anyway, if you know anything at all about me, you know i love the smurfs.  i'm like a smurfaholic.  if you dont like the smurfs then join al quida!  the smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves.  kind of like justin bieber but without the 'everybody loves' part.  i used to love that little canadian songster, but he's turning out to be a world class prick, huh?  who knew?  anyway, i cant decide on my favorite smurf.  i love papa smurf, of course, but who is that one who is always yelling at everyone with his long winded stories?  regis smurf, that's right.  there's tito smurf, germaine smurf, you've got your kardashian smurf.  the smurfs are named after their personalities.  the one who plays pranks is jokey smurf, the one who's always falling down is clumsy smurf, and the one who's always complaining is french smurf.  if you don't know about the smurfs, here's the basics:  they are little blue people who live in mushroom shaped houses and they fight crime or something.  i don't really give a rats ass about this.  the village is 100 male smurfs and one girl smurf.  is it any wonder these dudes are blue?'
- minnie driver talks and sings
> baron vaughn

8-02-13

+ 'i'll tell ya, i'm very excited', craig ferguson admits, 'its a big weekend if you like the sharks, and who doesn't?  sunday of this weekend is the start of shark week!  come sunday night i'll be glued to my tv set asking how do these magnificent creatures open their mouths so side around all that meat?  then ill turn off the porn and start watching shark week...  shark week isn't on cbs, its on cable.  the lawyers told me i cant say which channel its on or i'd be fired, so its on discovery channel.  this is the 26th year of shark week, it started off as a gimmick in the 80's that has turned into a cultural phenomenon that scares the crap out of everyone- its like david hasselhoff!  shark week is so awesome i'm surprised other networks don't have shark related programming, you know, like 'sharks and recreation', 'here comes chummy boo boo', 'fins of anarchy', 'how i ate your mother', 'hawaii five-oh crap its a shark!', 'the tonight show with jaws leno'!  did you see that tv movie 'sharknado'?  it was amazing, the plot of that movie was that a tornado went over the water and spewed sharks over l.a., which was terrifying.  but i'm thinking why was it only sharks?  why didn't it get all the fish that were there?  i guess 'fishquake' doesn't have the same ring about it'.
- josh wolf
- georgia king

8-01-13

+ 'its a great day for mtv', craig ferguson shares, 'the channel that brought us beavis & butthead, snookie & j-wow, its 32 years old today!  mtv started in 1981, things were different in 1981.  justin bieber wasn't even born yet, you could leave your mop buckets out in the open without worrying about someone peeing in them!  people say mtv doesn't play music anymore, these people are called 'old'.  just because mtv has the word music in it doesn't mean they have to play music.  the name of a channel is irrelevant these days, this became clear after the learning channel gave us 'here come's honey boo boo'.  mtv is for people younger than 25.  the only old person who is allowed to be on mtv is kurt loder.  speaking of music videos, have you seen justin timberlake's new music video?  its got naked girls in it.  i remember back in the day when record companies would spend millions of dollars on music videos that were artistic and told a story, now a days they just put topless girls in a room and let them dance around.  what i'm trying to say is that things are getting better!'
- anthony edwards
> hugh moore

7-31-13

+ 'you know what its a great day for?' craig ferguson asks, 'fashion!  who doesn't like fashion?  vanity fair's best dressed list came out today, and guess who's number 22?  that's right, justin timberlake.  i guess that's fair, justin timberlake cares a lot about fashion, he even has a song called 'suit and tie'.  if i had a song about fashion it would be called 'crocs and socks' or something like that!  i'm kind of bummed that i didn't make this year's best dressed list cause i make a lot of sacrifices to look good out here.  i steal all my suits from bob barker's old dressing room!  they look good, but they smell like plinko and dog nuts.  'spay and neuter your pets!'  when i'm not on tv i like to keep things casual, i like to wear regular guy like, you know, a crop top and juicy sweat pants.  i don't usually like it when people make lists, especially 'best dressed' lists, they are number one on my top 10 list of lists i hate!  i hate lists so much i don't even make a grocery list, i just go to the store and improvise!  and by 'improvise', i mean i load a cart up with ice cream and preparation h...'
- jane leeves
- ahna o'reilly
= backstreet boys

7-30-13

+ 'i have to be very careful tonight', craig ferguson informs,' guess what happened to me today?  i was brushing my teeth this morning. 'but craig, you are european!'  yes, but i'm an american now.  i was brushing my teeth this morning and one of my crowns just boop- fell out!  i was like 'oh!'  it just fell right out!  i had to go to the dentist and they put it in.  guess what happened when i went to the dentist?  the guy said 'ah, its cool'.  when i went to pay he waved me off saying 'oh, its fine'.  what part of beverly hills is this?  the guy said 'it only took five minutes, get out of here'.  ok!  i have to be careful though, cause it has to be redone.  its just glued temporarily, it has to be redone.  my tooth might fall out on the show tonight.  that woke you up, didn't it?  now you'll stay watching!  you'll see that, the ratings will go crazy!  people are going to watch shows to see if teeth fall out!  'two and a half teeth', 'how i met your dentist'- its teeth watch 2013!  anyway, its a great day for america, everybody!  its not such a great day for that little canadian girl, that rabble rouser, justin bieber.  he's in terrible trouble!  his tour bus was stopped at the canadian border by the patrol agents and they found marijuana!  the agents said justin bieber was a disgrace to canada and should never come back.  then they found the marijuana!  look at that- first joke out of the way and the teeth are still there!'
- henry winkler
- valerie azlynn

7-29-13

+ 'now, if you know anything about me', craig ferguson informs, 'you know that i love reading about and learning about fashion!  i was reading an article about it and apparently the 90's are back!  according to this article, one of the hottest items on ebay is acid washed jeans.  i tried making acid wash jeans by washing them in LSD.  it didn't do anything for my jeans, but my washing machine saw god!  90's fashions aren't coming back because they are good, they are coming back because people are nostalgic.  nostalgia is defined as sentimentality for the past.  people have always been nostalgic, i wonder if even cave men were like 'ah, remember the mammoth stampede?'  of course, as you remember, marcel proust said 'remembrance of things past is not necessarily remembrance of things as they actually were'.  i think we look back at the past with fondness because we were younger, you know, life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh carrion.  a lot of people in their 30's  get nostalgic for their teen years and then they get jobs on tv, then they become bitter and jaded and prematurely old, and then they turn their nostalgia into good television.  in the 1990's we had 'that 70's show', twenty years, right?  then in the 1970's we had 'happy days' and that was set in the 50's, twenty years.  and then in the 1950's in television they had shows set in the 30's.  they had... 'here come's hitler boo boo'?  'how i met your hindenburg', 'live with regis and herbert hoover',  'real housewives of the great depression', 'larry king tonight'.  see what i did there?'
= courtney love
# jeff kurr

7-26-13

+ 'the big movie opening today that i'm very excited about is wolverine', craig ferguson shares, 'hugh jackman is a man with sharp nails who'll tear any man apart who crosses his path.  i'm not sure what he does in the movie, but i'm a big fan!  i love the x-men movies, i can name all the x-men: there's wolverine, professor xavier, cyclops, storm, rogue, sugar bear, pumpkin, chickity, moma june, and honey boo boo!  you know what i like about wolverine as a super hero?  his character is canadian!  in the comics he's a canadian citizen who works for the canadian government.  i love the thought of a canadian superhero!  they could have called him captain hawky or something.  or maybe syrup boy!  the lone bieber!  mr. soft spoken!  celine dion!  anyway, in the now movie, wolverine goes to japan.  although in japan they don't call him wolverine, they call him 'big fuzzy man ha ha'.  now, people think a wolverine is a big tough animal, but its not.  a wolverine is a cross between a wolf and a tangerine!  a wolverine actually resembles a little bear, its also referred to as skunk bear.  that wouldn't make a cool superhero, would it?  'stop villain, or ill... make a smell'.  its true though, wolverines, that's what they do, they make a stench from their anal glands to mark their territory, that's what they do.  you can make your own larry king joke here...'
- lisa kudrow
= michael mcdonald

7-25-13

+ 'its not such a great day here in l.a.', criag ferguson admits, 'according to the authorities we are on plague watch!  the department of health in los angeles confirmed there has been at least one case of bubonic plague here in l.a.!  the first victim has been identified: a squirrel!  the plague infected squirrel was found in the angeles national forest.  i hope the plague doesn't spread out.  if it wipes out squirrels all around the country, what's honey boo boo going to have for dinner?!?  they say people going camping in l.a. are in most danger.  you should be ok if you don't touch the dead animals.  i'm like, that's the only reason i go camping!  also, camping in l.a.?  are you serious?  anyway, i have been camping in l.a., it was terrifying!  i woke up outside my tent and saw a hairy creature rooting through the garbage.  it took all my courage just to whisper 'khloe kardashian, is that you?'.'
- bill hader
- shohreh aghdashloo

7-24-13

+ 'it was a very tense day here at cbs' criag ferguson admits, 'cbs is locked in a huge battle with time warner cable.  it could cost time warner cable's subscribers to loose cbs.  the fight is about money probably.  i don't know, i'm not up on the details.  i think cbs wants more money from time warner cable, which is fair!...  i don't know.  what cbs is asking for is still less than what time warner pays to carry the disney channel, but remember cbs, there's a reason disney gets all that cash, they send goofy to collect!  'gahyuck, pay up bitches, or i'll cut ya, gahyuck!'  obviously this issue hits close to home for me because if cbs doesnt get the higher fees, cbs will be forced to slash the show's hay budget and secretariat will die!  dont let secretariat die, time warner! i'm not taking sides, but time warner wants the beloved secretariat horse to die!  its in your hands, internet!  anyway, what i'm saying is that disputes like this are more evidence how tv is quickly changing.  a few years ago the tv business model looked one way, now everything is all switched around and looks another way.  oh wait, i'm thinking of bruce jenner.'
- matt smith
- teri polo

7-23-13

+ 'its not a great day for new york today', craig ferguson shared, 'the mayoral candidate anthony wiener, you know, the guy who resigned from congress for showing wiener, today more wiener photographs were released of his wiener! new yorkers were shocked, they were so shocked that elliot spitzer fell off his hooker, they were so shocked that people almost stopped urinating in public, they were so shocked that think on trump's head fainted!  people were so shocked that woody allen had to pull his daughter wife out of school!  the new photos are from the same time period as the old photograph, so it seems to me its kind of like beating a dead horse...  new details have emerged, apparently anthony wiener would show his junk on the internet using the name, and i'm not kidding, carlos danger!  isn't that great?  that's an awesome name!  anthony wiener released a statement today saying 'this kind of behavior is behind me',  then he added 'if you want to see more of what's behind me, i'll text you a photograph!'  the race for mayor goes on, anthony wiener still has a small lead over city council member kristin quinn, who is gay.  its the classic match up: lesbian versus predator!'
- larry king
- anna camp

7-22-13

+ 'its a great day for our friends in the u.k.', criag ferguson shares, 'its really a great day for everyone!  a royal baby!  you know, in a royal baby, the umbilical cord is cut by a unicorn's horn.  what happens is the royal baby comes out and he's covered in blue blood, of course, and the unicorn comes over and bows.  as the unicorn bows, the horn magically cuts the umbilical cord and doves fly out of the royal vagina!  none of that common after birth stuff!  i'm tellin' ya, its like a david copperfield show!  it was very big news, of course, congratulations to the royal family.  moments ago the palace released a photo of his royal adorableness.  the royal family, of course, are delighted about this news.  prince harry popped open some champagne and danced naked around the palace- then he heard about the baby!  prince charles said what any proud new grandpa would say: 'back of line, junior!'  there were very few people actually in the room for the birth: prince william, the father, kate middleton's mother, and neil patrick harris i believe was there.  he does most of the tonys, the emmy's, the royal birth.  and you know what?  he makes it better!  cause normally i dont enjoy these things, but when neil does it, i'm like 'actually this is entertaining!'  so the royal baby is now number one on the list of favorite wrinkly dudes!  number two is still micheal caine, and number three is still madanna...'
- brooke shields
= sara bareilles

7-19-13

+ 'its a great day for san diego, or is it?', craig ferguson asks, '135 thousand people have descended on san diego for comic con.  when i say 'people', im refering to the geeks and the nerds and the trolls.  if you live in southern california and you need to get your computer fixed this weekend, you are screwed!  i think comic con might have jumped the shark.  i'll tell you why: because i'm going!  that's it, its over!  its like the sundance film festival.  the sundance film festival used to be cool, it was about independent film and serious art, now its a place where paris hilton goes.  i am the paris hilton of comic con!  if i'm going, it is no longer relevant!  the reason i'm going is because i will be moderating the doctor who panel on sunday.  i love doctor who, its been on tv in britain since the sixties, i grew up with it.  there will be people at comic con who know a lot more about doctor who than i do.  if i don't know the title of a particular episode or if i mispronounce the name of a planet i will be shamed, i will be ridiculed.  i will be like paula dean at the BET awards!  i have children and a job, i don't have have time to memorize details of a tv show, like the fact that the doctor's home planet is gallifrey, the gridlock system with it the constellation of casta boris.  the galactic quadrants are 10 zero 11 zero zero by zero two from galactic zero center.  and that's correct!  i know that!  i will be fielding questions from the doctor who panel, i'm sure the first question will be 'why are you here, miss minelli?'.'
-jane lynch
= goo goo dolls

7-18-13

+ 'its a great day for television', craig ferguson shares, 'three million people watched the season premier of 'here comes honey boo boo'.  three million people!  the cast was delighted, at least i think that's that they said, i don't understand them...  do the honey boo boo family have a last name? i just call them the boo boos.   their first names are easy to remember, there's june, the mother, sugar bear, the father, and kids are honey boo, chickity, pumpkin, pee pee, and plinko, i think.  oh, and regis.  anyway, if you've never seen honey boo boo, its like duck dynasty but with less ducks, or downton abby but with less shoes, or like keeping up with the kardashians but with less hair.  but when you think about it, honey boo boo's are like the kardashians, honey boo boo is the little princess, thats like kim kardashian, june, the stay at home mother is like kris jenner, and then sugar bear, that's khloe.  their all in there!  i remember when the show first started critics were calling it offensive and outrageous and exploitative, and they also had bad things to say about it!'
- jeffrey tambor
= cristela alonzo

7-17-13

+ 'you know, over in britain they are very tense', craig ferguson admits, 'because still no royal baby!  i cant wait to see that little bundle of joy!  i'm talking about prince harry's genitals.  that's what he says when he poses for those naked pictures, 'do you want to see my royal bundle of joy?'  we are still in royal baby watch here at this show.  the royal family are keeping all the details secret because they don't want their plans spoiled by voldemort!  ha ha!  that's right, everyone in britain is in harry potter!  the maternity wards in britain are a little bit different, instead of surgical masks they wear those curly wigs!  kate middleton is now four days overdue, which means that in just a few more days the royal baby watch will surpass gweyneth paltrow as the most annoying thing in london...'
- anthony hopkins
- jes macallan

7-16-13

+ 'there's a new cable channel coming', craig ferguson informs, 'i don't watch cable, i only watch cbs...  just like you, everybody else in the world!  there is going to be a new cable channel for dogs!  i'm like, that's stupid!  you ever seen a dog watch tv?  their schedule came out today and they've got some great shows: 'barks and recreation', 'game of bones', and 'so you think you can lick your balls?'.'
- jon hamm

7-15-13

+ 'britain is in a heightened state of alert right now', craig ferguson shares, 'right now we are on royal baby watch.  yes, everyone over there is on the look out for the helpless little bald creature who will someday become the most powerful person in england.  but enough about prince charles...!  the child of prince william and kiki wigglesworth is due any time.  prince harry is said to be very excited because he will be an uncle for the first time and he will no longer be the only one running around the royal palace naked!  queen elisabeth is very excited, and who can blame here?  its been 120 years since a british monarch has been alive for the birth of a great grandchild.  a royal birth is a little different, but even in the delivery room formal protocol must be followed.  the doctors will have to refer to william as 'your highness', and kiki wigglesworth, her lady parts will be on view.  and you cant say 'the royal vagina', so you need another name for it.  perhaps 'the regal baby basket', maybe 'her majesty's beefeater', or 'her majesty's secret cervix'!  anyway, the doctors have warned the princess that the birth might be painful because there is a one in four shot that the baby will have prince charles' ears!'
- julie chen
> michael palascak

7-12-13

+ jeff daniels starts the show off with a funny song about a traffic accident.
+ 'this is why i like him: he used to be a big guy himself.  so do i, see, thats why i trust him.  i dont trust skinny people telling me how to lose weight. what did you ever do, gweneth paltrow? i'm just saying!  now that richard simmons is 65 he can retire, but what would he do?  spend time on his sequin farm?  he has one, he grows sequins, and when they mature, he harvests them!  do you remember a few years ago a man said he was slapped by richard simmons in the pheonix airport? and he actually filed charges!  he did!  i'm thinking, what kind of man says he was beat up by richard simmons?!?  a man who wants money, thats who!  saying you got beat up by richard simmons is like saying you got beat up by an olson twin!
- jeff daniels
> sarah tiana

7-11-13

+ 'look, if you know anything about me, you know this is the day i look forward to all year', craig ferguson admits, 'i know you think 'craig, didn't you say that last night?' i did, but this is also the day i look forward to all year... its the first day of elvis fest in las vegas. today at the las vegas hilton, thousands of elvis impersonators gather to swap stories and swivel their hips!  this is true about elvis, historians say that the cult of elvis has all the makings of a future religion.  really, that's a real thing.  you know, the sightings after his death, people dressing like him.  its possible that in a couple thousand years there will be a church of elvis!  in the far distant future, at the end of a service, the minister will say 'elvis has left the building', and everyone will stand up and say 'thank you, thank you very much!'  you know, when elvis went on the ed sullivan show, cbs refused to show him from the waist down because of his gyrating hips, they thought it would make the audience go crazy.  cbs doesn't like to show me from the waist down either, in case something goes off!'
- maria bello
- scott adsit

7-10-13

+ 'its a great day for our friends in the bahamas', craig ferguson states, 'if you know anything about me, you know this is the day i wait for all year, july 10, bohemian independence day!  it was on this day in 1973, the bahamas declared independence, before that they were a british colony.  it used to be said 'the sun never sets on the british empire'.  the empire was so big, the sun never set on one of its territories, that's how huge the empire was.  that changed quickly, they lost canada, australia, jamaica, the bahamas to name just a few.  england has been dumped more times than taylor swift, but did they go writing whiny songs about it? no they did not!  last week, of course, was our independence day.  i think england had a habit of loosing places in july.  every year about this time, all around britain they are like 'good heavens, its july again!  keep a close eye on scotland!'.'
- cedric the entertainer
- jess weixler

7-09-13

+ 'you know who's birthday it is today?' craig ferguson asks, 'donkey kong!  the video game where the giant ape throws barrels down at mario!  you know donkey kong is getting older because instead of throwing barrels, he just throws his balls down there!  donkey kong is a great arcade game except one detail: it is very very hard!  donkey kong is harder than my nipples in an ice bath, harder than figuring out what nbc is doing in late night, harder than understanding what keith richards is saying!  the character if mario in the game is a manic fast talking italian with facial hair.  in other words, an italian!  when the movie first came out some groups protested, they said that the mario character perpetuated negative stereotypes about italians.  they said, and i quote, 'whatsa come and a go here?  we donta talka like that!  where'sa my pizza pie?'  you know, a few years ago there was a documentary about the game called 'the king of kong'.  it was a lot of fun to watch those guys using their joysticks on a quest for glory, but don't confuse it with the other movie 'the king of dong', which is also about guys using their joysticks on a quest for glory...'
- morgan freeman
> cathy ladman

7-08-13

+ 'it was, of course, a huge weekend at the box office!' craig ferguson states, 'the lone ranger made a ton of money.  people went to go see it because it stars johnny depp.  he wears lots of make-up and speaks in a weird accent.  i don't know what he does in the movie, but...  johnny plays tonto, the lone ranger's sidekick.  nothing makes more sense than a lone ranger having a sidekick.  'i'm the lone ranger, and here's my friend'.  that's stupid, if he's the lone ranger, he'd just walk out and go 'hey, its only me'.  i'll bet johnny depp doesn't even take the make-up off anymore, he just keeps it on until the next movie starts.  make-up or not, johnny depp definitely has a way with the ladies.  years ago, of course, he dated winona ryder.  remember that?  he even had her name tattooed on his arm, but he had to change it after winona stole his heart, and his watch, and earrings, and his prescription medication...  in the pirates of the caribbean movies, depp famously based his pirate character on keith richards, but in the lone ranger he's playing a mystical shaman who can talk to the spirit world, possibly with the help of peyote.  so, also based on keith richards...'
- heather locklear
> louie anderson

6-28-13

+ 'do you know what happened in britain this week?' craig ferguson asks, 'you know, britain.  you know, dr. who, harry potter, moptop musicians?  you know, britain!  anyway, in britain this week there was a massive hit on tv, it was a documentary.  now, a documentary is like a reality show except its classy.  its about something.  a show about something?  its an old fashioned idea...  four million people in britain, which is the entire population of britain.  i know its not, i look forward to your emails, arriving by owl...  anyway, four million people in britain watched a documentary about a man who has 140 pound testicles!  the tv executives are stunned by the high ratings.  the president of the bbc said 'its just nuts!'  see what i did there? ha ha!'
= tenacious d
- moon bloodgood

6-27-13

+ 'it is a great day, of course, for supporters of gay marriage',  craig ferguson states, 'congratulations to same sex couples, you can now be as miserable as everyone else...  i've always thought that if you really dont want gay people go get married, you shouldn't ban gay marriage, you should ban gay divorce. 'yeah yeah, you can get married, you just cant get divorced',  'what?'  'oh, you'll see...'.  its been a bit of a week for the supreme court.  yesterday they ruled that its ok for gay people to get married, today they ruled that its ok for straight people to rollerblade!'
- channing tatum
> marc maron

6-26-13

+ 'its a great day if you like the rock and roll', craig ferguson exclaims, 'do you like the rock and roll?  because glastonbury, the worlds largest rock festival, starts today in england.  its like coachella with teeth, bad teeth.  this year at glastonbury, the headliners are the rolling stones.  organizers are expecting 150 thousand people.  most of them will be mick jager's children!  tonight also was the season premier of big brother here on cbs!  i watched it live, of course, and wasn't it amazing?  i didn't actually see it, i haven't seen it ever.  its a great show though, isn't it?  you know, the term 'big brother' comes from george orwell's book 1984, where everyone is watched over by a network of cameras.  its called 'big brother'.  i've never understood that, why orwell chose the term 'big brother'.  cause if you are being watched all the time by someone, shouldn't that be 'creepy uncle'?  in the book 1984 people got in trouble just for their thoughts.  i hope we never develop mind reading technology here because i would have to apologize to some of my guests for whats going on up here, because some of them are very sexy!  sorry jeff goldblum...'
- sandra bullock
> jim mcdonald

6-25-13

+ john hodgman stops by with his french horn to plug his new comedy special 'ragnarok' on netflix.
+ 'you know who its not a great day for?' craig ferguson asks, 'edward snowden, you know, the guy who leaked all the information about our government's spy program.  we're not sure where he is, and its not easy to find a nerdy looking white guy with glasses, i learned that from 'where's waldo'!  some people say he's a hero, others say he's a traitor.  people cant seem to agree on it, the only think we can agree on is that north west is a horrible name for a baby.  i always think that, you know, when celebrities give their babies cute names like north or grapefruit, and stuff like that, they are going to change it to frank or sid or something like that.  anyway, snowden, he's got a girlfriend who's a stripper.  president obama said that they will stop at nothing to track snowden down.  president clinton said the same thing about snowden's girlfriend!'
- breckin meyer
- wendie malick

6-21-13

+ 'you know what i'm excited about today?' craig ferguson asks, 'world war z, the big zombie movie, its out today.  i'm very excited about it!  the trailer looks very scary, you see hordes of zombies climbing over each other- its like black friday at the mall!  brad pitt plays a man fighting against a terrifying gang of mindless creatures that keep coming at him day and night no matter what.  he trained for the role by having six children!  but children don't eat brains.  but the probably would it you just gave it to them.  zombies eat brains, but if you gave a child brains to eat and you didn't tell them, they would probably be ok with it, actually.  i've got to admit, last week i got a little freaked out about the possibility of the zombie apocalypse, i even wrote an email to president obama about it.  well, the email was to geoff, but i assume president obama read it...'
- maggie gyllenhaal
> matt goldich

6-20-13

+ 'here's some news that's very frightening and scandalous news', craig ferguson warns, 'well, i guess not frightening, its not like 'boo!'  it is scandalous though, the fashion designers dolce and gabbana have been found guilty of tax evasion.  they probably wont do any jail time, which is a relief, because stripes are very out this year...  the judge ordered them to pay a huge fine, it could be as high as 13 million dollars.  of course, that's chump change for dolce and gabbana, these guys giving away 13 million dollars.  that would be like jay leno giving away one car, that would be like lance armstrong giving up one syringe, that would be like me giving up one testicle!  i've got dozens of them, i keep them backstage.  i don't know a lot about dolce and gabbana, they are just two dudes who formed a successful partnership like ben & jerry, like barnum & bailey, or khloe & lamar.  apparently dolce and gabbana were an 'item' for 23 years, the broke up in 2005 but they still work together.  that must be tough, working with an ex.  i do it every time drew carey is on this show.  he lost all that weight to make me jealous... it worked!  anyway, i'm glad dolce and gabbana aren't going to prison, if they did i wonder if they would be cell mates?  then they would have to fight over who would get the top bunk and who would get the bottom!  well, they probably figured that out long ago...'
> lewis black
> matt morales

6-19-13

+ 'its a great day for president obama', craig ferguson informs, 'in berlin germany today, he gave a speech at the brandenburg gate, the former site of the berlin wall.  it was hot in berlin today, it was 98 degrees- that's hot enough to fry your schnitzel.  it was very hot, i haven't seen obama sweat like that since... yesterday, and the day before that, all this week- its been a pretty rough month for him, huh?  over the years, many u.s. presidents have given famous speeches at the brandenburg gate, in 1987 president reagan told gorbachev to 'tear down this wall'.  in 1996, bill clinton tried the old j.f.k. trick of speaking german, he said 'hmmm...'  which translates to 'where is the strip club?'  the brandenburg gate separates east and west berlin, during the cold war west berlin was an exclave, it was a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who wanted to crush it.  it was like austin, texas.  anyway, president obama is trying to get vladimir putin to scale back russia's nuclear arsenal, but its not a good time.  putin just got a divorce!  he's not in the mood, he just lost half of his stuff!  he's like 'vife gets to use kremlin on veekents'.  besides, russia is not the most dangerous nuclear power anymore, its north korea.  this year he has nuclear weapons, last year he was dancing to 'gangnam style'!  i don't know which one is worse!'
- rosie perez
= the rubens

6-18-13

+ 'earlier tonight it was the big season finale of the voice', craig ferguson states, 'did you watch it?  it was awesome, wasn't it?  it was so exciting!  i am so glad that guy or girl won!  it was fantastic!  congratulations, winner!  that's right, whoever you are, you are a winner!  i'm sure this year's winner will turn out as big as last year's winner, the great cassidy pope.  that's who won last year, cassidy pope!  i've got to be fair, i've never heard cassidy pope's music, maybe its good.  i love the name though, cassidy pope.  it sounds like it should be a tv show about a cowboy who rides into the vatican and becomes the pope and he solves crimes!'
- angie harmon
# ben mezrich

6-17-13

+ 'its a great day if you want to live forever, and who doesnt?' craig ferguson asks, 'over the weekend in new york city they hosted the global future 2045 conference.  now, its a meeting of scientists who say that if technology continues the way its going, its possible that by the year 2045 we could all be immortal!  now i hear you asking 'craig, how does this immortality work?' well, it involves putting your brain into a robot.  why do we need a conference to live forever?  why don't we just ask larry king?  to achieve immortality by 2045 we have a lot of work to do.  first, we have to figure out how to copy our brains into a computer, then you have to create robots to put them in, which sounds like a terminator movie!  immortality technology sounds like a contemporary search for the fountain of youth.  ponce de leon, the french spanish explorer, searched for the fountain of youth in the 16th century, but he died in 1521, so i'm guessing no.'
- carson kressley
- rachelle lefevre

6-14-13

+ 'big movie opened today i'm very excited about', criag ferguson shares, 'people in hollywood are saying it could make 100 million dollars this weekend.  now, to give you an idea of how much money that is, take the amount of money that the new will smith movie has made and add 100 million dollars!  now, in the new man of steel movie, superman is played by henry cavill.  he's a terrific actor, but he's british.  when i first heard that a buff british dude was playing the man of steel, i though 'good for you, madonna!'  i'm not sure why all our iconic american figures are being played by foreigners.  you've got superman from britain, batman from britan, a spider-man from britain, a president from kenya...'
- emily mortimer
> barry rothbart

6-13-13

+ 'its a great day for fans of rock and roll', craig ferguson exclaims, 'the bonaroo festival starts today in tennessee. a great lineup this year: paul mccartney and tom petty.  another big act this year at bonaroo is mumford and sons.  i like mumford and sons. well, i like mumford, his sons are jerks!  the only problem with mumford and sons is that the guy playing the banjo has all his teeth- that is not authentic!  some people say that mumford and sons carry on the proud celtic folk tradition, and other people say they are just coldplay with banjo's.  i say both, and i love it!  we love that kind of music where i'm from, the leprechaun rock, we love it!'
- seth rogan
- elisabeth moss

craig wins an award!

looks like craig ferguson is being recognized for his humor!  recently craig said that he went up to canada to accept a comedy award.  'i'd like to thank my agent and my friend geoffrey peterson, and all the little people', craig ferguson began at the top of a recent episode of the late late show, 'yesterday something very rare happened in my life: i won an award!  it is actually a very prestigious award, from the bamff world media festival in canada, its a very big deal, its the sir peter ustinov award for comedy.  its actually a very prestigious award, however, our canadian friends are not given to such flashy showmanship the way we like to do things here.  so, when i went all the way to canada yesterday to get the award, they gave it to me, and here it is!'  craig says, then shows off the rather small award.  'i'm very greatful for it, its a lovely award.  the good thing about it is that its canadian, so its cleaver, they are like 'so we are giving you an award, but it doesnt mean you're great, eh.  its lovely, so its really going to look out of place here!'

6-12-13

+ 'its a great day today for mick jager', craig ferguson states, 'but when isn't it though?  the rolling stones are in the biggest tour in the world, even though mick is 69 years old, he's still doing great!  what mick jager said in an interview, he said he keeps in shape by, and this answer may surprise you: he does ballet!  ballet is a great way to keep in shape.  he said he's been doing ballet for years, its got to be tough at his age, he's 69 years old!  his testicles must be dragging around on the floor!  dragging around his testicles like a ship's anchor!  a ship's anchor, but with less barnacles!  by the way, you know les barnacles?  he works in international marketing...  anyway, whatever mick jager is doing its working, he says he has a 28 inch waist, he's the only man who's waist is smaller than his mouth!  it shouldn't be any surprise that mick jager is in to ballet, next think you know we will find out that bono loves to riverdance!
- valerie bertinelli
- adam ray

6-11-13

+ 'its the first week of summer vacation', craig ferguson states, 'kids in america spend 180 days in school, kids in japan spend 243 days.  that is a difference of... some days!  i don't know, i dropped out of school, that's why i'm on cbs in the middle of the night- let this be a warning to you!  now that school's out, a lot of teenagers will be looking for jobs like the lifeguards.  not here in l.a., it different, public pools do not have lifeguards, we have life coaches.  if they see you struggling in the water, they ask 'are you happy with the decisions you are making?'  then they give you a pamphlet for a yoga studio.  i hate this town.  i hated summer jobs when i was a teenager, they were so mundane and repetitious that they deadened my soul.  on the bright side, they were good training for this job!  i'm working dark, eh?  i spend my summers as a dickensian street urchin cleaning chimneys.  you know, when i was a teenager i worked at a carnival- i was a carnie.  i never really fit into the lifestyle, something about my hands not having hooks...  'look at you with all your fingers!  and both your eyes facing the same way!'.'
- margaret cho
- hugh dancy

6-10-13

+ 'i'm in a kerfuffle, i'm cockahoop and i'll tell you why', craig ferguson shares, 'cause today is the first day of e3, its the huge video game expo here in l.a.!  the gaming experts are saying its the biggest gathering of virgins since they elected the pope.  that would be a great video game: choose a pope!  gather up the smoke, puff it out your chimney, and new pope!  i love e3, e3 of course stands for electronic entertainment erection or something...  i actually went to e3 last year, i saw someone dressed up as the big furry ape creature.  i went up to them and was like 'hey, can i get a picture, donkey kong?'  and it said 'i'm khloe kardashian!'  every year at e3 they show the upgrades to your favorite games, the birds get angrier, the calls get dutyer, mario gets more super.  oh, sorry, i'm thinking about yesterday's gay pride parade...  anyway, the new video games have got the new facial recognition technology so your gaming console can identify you without logging in.  so when i walk up to it it says 'hello mrs. minelli, what would you like to play?'  you remember 'legend of zelda'?  that was a great game, that was a fantasy game with sword play, magic, and midgets.  today in e3 they unveiled the new legend of zelda, its called wind maker, and in wind maker, zelda must face the most dangerous wind maker of all: larry king!  you know what i think would be a great game? late night talk show host.  you play by dancing for quarters in the middle of the night.  the most insincere douche wins the prize: a face off against the ruthless villain: doctor leno!  doctor leno has never been beaten!'
- jonah hill
# tony kanaan

6-07-13

+ 'it is friday and here in l.a. it is gay pride weekend, everybody!' craig ferguson exclaims, 'i spend all day waxing my chest, ironing my speedo- and then i remembered it was gay pride weekend!  the big gay pride parade is on sunday, but so is the season finale for game of thrones.  hmm.  games of thrones and the gay pride parade are very different, one of them is a lot of men in elaborate costumes riding bareback and sword fighting, and the other is game of thrones!
some very sad news today as well, according to khloe kardashian, bruce jenner and chris jenner are now living apart.  i dont care either.  they have refused to get a divorce though, because so far it is not in the script...'
- ethan hawke
- jamie chung

6-06-13

+ 'there's a huge scandal in washington', craig ferguson shares, 'its been a very rough couple of weeks for obama.  this comes on the heels of the irs scandal, and before that it was ben gazi.  even the crack head mayor of toronto was like 'rough week, ehe?'  next we'll find out that obama was behind last week's game of thrones wedding!  phone hacking, the reality is that both republicans and democrats in congress have both come out in defense of collecting this data.  as every good american knows, when republicans and democrats agree on something in congress, it is time to be very very worried indeed!  they are evil.  'but craig, they are democratically..'  yes, i know what they are, but they are evil.  congress actually gave the white house authority to spy on the phones under president bush.  but experts say that the cell phone snooping go as far back as president clinton.  it wasn't as organized back then, it was just clinton dialing up women going 'what are you wearing?'.'
- betty white
- sarah paulson

6-05-13

+ 'hey, did you see the country music awards earlier tonight?' craig ferguson asks, 'i haven't seen it yet because we're live, don't tell me, but i'm really hoping that the guy with the cowboy hat and the big belt buckle wins!  he's my favorite!  when he sings that song about things going wrong, it gets me every time!  he's like 'things were goin' right, then they went wrong.  things were all messed up inside, but i'm gonna just keep movin'.'  i think i just won a country music award!  anyway, the country music awards, they gave a life time achievement award to whiskey this year as well, for contributions to country music.  whiskey, tequila, and pot- the big three!  well, for willie nelson anyway.  the country music awards, no one goes home empty handed, the winners get trophies and the losers have something to write about for their next song!  a lot of big stars at the cmt's, rumor was that taylor swift was going to make an appearance in something shocking- like a stable relationship!  take that, innocent girl i've never met!'
# sanjay gupta
= gretchen wilson

6-04-13

+ 'there's a new book out today', craig ferguson states, 'i know what your thinking, 'craig, what's a book?'  well, imagine its a blog printed out all over on bits of paper.  imagine loads of text messages all smooshed together!  the new book out today called 'joy land' is by an up and coming author named stephen king.  now, stephen king is getting a lot of flack because he refuses to release the book digitally.  he doesn't want you reading it on a tablet or phone.  its only coming out on pages made of paper.  take that trees, you leafy wooden bastards!  i think that if stephen king doesn't want to put out an electronic version of the book he shouldn't have to.  he's a great american writer, he has earned the right to do whatever the hell he wants.  but when he started out, critics did not like his books.  over time though, things changed.  just like this show, minus the part about things changing...  king's new book joyland takes place in a creepy old amusement park.  its about a carnie.  carnies are terrifying, except carnie wilson, who is adorable.  with or without the stomach staples she is just lovely!'
- bill maher
-> cat cora

6-03-13

+ 'its a very historic day for law enforcement', craig ferguson informs, 'the supreme court has ruled that police now have the right to take DNA samples.  oh dear!  this decision has split the court.  judge scolia said that it establishes a terrifying precedent, obama's administration has said that its the right thing to do, and anthony wiener said 'who wants to see my penis?'.  now when you get arrested you have to get your finger printed and your cheek swabbed.  even if you are reese witherspoon!  we already have a database of everyone's fingerprints, and the plan is to have a database of everyone's dna.  and that way we can find out how many children arnold schwarzanegger really has!  the dna testing has changed many things, it made the game of clue go much faster.  'we've tested everyone's dna, professor plum, you did it.  everyone else, you may go home'.  dna evidence will be used even more in courtrooms now.  do you remember the oj simpson trial?  the dna evidence was very new back then, so the jury felt more comfortable relying on evidence they could trust, like rhymes.  'if the glove don't fit, you must acquit!'  it rhymes!  so that proves it!  every time there is new technology in law enforcement people get a bit uneasy.  i'm sure people were probably against finger printing when it started in the late 1800's.  i'll have to ask larry king since he was around at the time.'
= steven tyler
- olga kurylenko